notkickass222urmom

wai-wai pt 5

May 24th, 2014
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  1. Time to get started again.
  2. A short summary of our adventure thus far:
  3. John Price blew up humanity with nuclear missiles, then rode a nuclear blastwave to Equstria. He was instantly liked by everyone, and is in a non-sexual relationship with RD. There was Samantha, a BBEG, but she got killed in chapter 12. John also stabbed Celestia for no good reason. RD is hurt and hospitalized. She forgave him. Finding out that he had no plot any more, Andre, the author, came up with a horrible human OC, Steve Connor, who is a laughably poorly written International US Agent. Steve is evil and hates John because reasons.
  4. If they were a couple, I would all then John Connor.
  5. The fic has been so terrible I refuse to believe it is anything but a trollfic.
  6.  
  7. >Part 14: Questions upon questions
  8. And regrettably, not a single answer in sight.
  9.  
  10. >At the afternoon, the ponies and John went back to Ponyville.
  11. I'm glad we'll have a change of scenes. When we where in Canterlot, Andre actually had to come up with original locations, which was horrible.
  12.  
  13. >He was still unsure if the agent was dead or not.
  14. But you quite clearly saw him survive. He even told you he survived. I mean, you threw a pegasus over a balcony. It's not like he had wings or anything.
  15.  
  16.  
  17.  
  18. >The second though was Rainbow Dash. Did she really forgive him?
  19. Of course she forgives you. In this fic, everyone except the evil guys (maybe even them) loves and forgives John, no matter what he does.
  20.  
  21. >He thought about why the agent attacked him. What was his reason?
  22. To make plot happen. To tell John that he could be transformed into a pony. Because Andre is a shitty write. All three are valid reasons.
  23.  
  24. >As bad as the US government be, they never killed people without a reason.
  25. Why don't you rant about 9/11 again while you're at it? And Steve, the agent, clearly said he murdered a innocent unicorn last chapter.
  26.  
  27. >What if the agent survived the crash (what must be impossible) and he is starting to attack Rainbow Dash?
  28. Sometimes it's like Andre writes something, then in the very next chapter forgets all about it. Steve told you that he survived. You saw it.
  29.  
  30. >How could he know that I entered here? Maybe he followed me because he arrived on the company and seen me escaped. No but then Rainbow Dash had found him too or even another pony.
  31. Again, Steve told you all about this last chapter. He explained everything. The only thing that hasn't been explained is John's apparent amnesia.
  32.  
  33. >But it was right. Somepony got killed in his house. It was the unicorn which helped Steve to transform.
  34. Except it happened more than a week ago, and not in your house. You don't even have a house. You live in the library.
  35.  
  36.  
  37.  
  38. >The next weird thing was why did the portal open exactly at the nuclear fallout.
  39. Andre. Fallout does not mean what you think it means .
  40.  
  41. >I asked Princess Cilestia and she told me they opened all 30 moons.
  42. When did this discussion happen?
  43.  
  44. >After 3 hours thinking about the last days, John went to the library. He knocked. Spike opened the door.
  45. That's oddly specific. I like to imagine that's the exact number of hours it took Andre to come up with a new plot.
  46.  
  47. >"SUPRISE!!!" shouted a dozen ponies.
  48. >"Hey John this is your party which we promised." Twilight said.
  49. I actually had to check. It's mentioned somewhere in chapter 12. So fair, I guess. Another party.
  50.  
  51. >"Yes yes yes it´s your super duper mega hero friend party ever." Pinkie Pie shouted and jumped up and down.
  52. I think "and jumped up and down" has been the suffix every time Pinkie has said something in this entire fic.
  53.  
  54. >"DARLING I cant thank you enough. Here I made some clothes for the party. You like suits here I made the best one ever." Rarity said and gave the suit John.
  55. "Being such a baldy written and one-dimensional character, Darling, the only thing I can really do is to make clothes, clocks, jewellery and weapons for you."
  56.  
  57. >They danced, they ate, they drunk and they danced. John enjoy the party much. There was a huge poster with his face on it. Looked a bit crazy but he liked it. On the poster stood "OUR HERO!"
  58. [Wish fulfilment intensifies]
  59.  
  60.  
  61.  
  62. >It went dark. The most ponies have gone. Apple Jack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie left too.
  63. I love how 9 out of 10 times, Andre just straight up forgets Fluttershy.
  64.  
  65. >"What a party woooha never had a party since my final party on school, Ok Twilight I go sleeping, goodnight." John said exhausted.
  66. You know, except for the party in chapter 4.
  67.  
  68. >"NO NO NO NO WAIT!" Twilight shouted.
  69. Let me guess, you want to join him? You already shared a bed with him before going to Canterlot.
  70.  
  71. >"Ok sorry of course I help you, my fault I am a bit jazzed.
  72. If you're tired and ready for bed, you're not jazzed up. Quite the opposite in fact.
  73.  
  74. >He moved outside and then he lost his tongue. There stood something.... someone which wait for him.
  75. I hope nobody ever re-attaches it. This fic would be better with less dialogue.
  76.  
  77. Well, that's it for this chapter.
  78. Thanks a lot to whoever is archiving this and the LtD riff.
  79.  
  80.  
  81.  
  82. >Part 15: The second chance
  83. Subtle and cryptic as always.
  84.  
  85. >It was Rainbow Dash. Johns eyes popping out of his head.
  86. Woah, what a interesting and engaging plot twist!
  87.  
  88. Then there's a paragraph where Andre explains how RD looks in pic related. The only notable highlight is:
  89. >it enhanced her buff body
  90. I dunno if that is the word I would use to describe her. But fair enough, this is Andre's personal musclegirl fantasy.
  91.  
  92. >SHE WAS SO BEAUTIFUL. SHE LOOKED LIKE AN ANGLE.
  93. I have no words. Only burning sides.
  94.  
  95. >"Yea? Ha ha thank I hey I know I am sexy but this is not a reason to start to slobber." she giggled.
  96. Didn't he already say that he wasn't sexually attracted to ponies?
  97.  
  98. >"Slobber ... me? No I just wonder ... you ... you left the hospital and you look so ... wonderful." John said and he still stuttered.
  99. His pants grew tighter for each word she said.
  100.  
  101. >"Hey want to date me up?" Dash asked.
  102. That's sort of blunt.
  103.  
  104. >"Ehm this isn't a vision or a dream, is it?" John asked.
  105. >"Nope it isn't." Twilight said forum the background and everypony hid behind a bush and giggled.
  106. Everypony hid behind a bush. Everypony.
  107.  
  108. >"Come on John you promised me do you remember?" Dash said.
  109. I went back and checked. I can't find a single promise.
  110.  
  111.  
  112.  
  113. >"Of course before I got hijacked." she said.
  114. Again, wonderful prose by one of the great German writers of our time.
  115.  
  116. >"Yea of course ehm Ok where shall we go now?" John asked.
  117. Well, you can't visit RD's place. And you don't have a home. Sleazy motel?
  118.  
  119. >"Yea of course ehm Ok where shall we go now?" John asked.
  120. Come on man! You're given another shot a RD's cyan marevag. Don't talk yourself out of this.
  121.  
  122. >"You have to do nothing as to follow me now." Dash said and stats giggling again.
  123. At least someone in the couple has balls.
  124.  
  125. >"Dash I am so sorry what happened to you. I ... it wasn't my purpose to hurt you. Please forgive me." said John with an sad face.
  126. Funnily enough, RD's kidnapping might be the only bad thing that has happened that isn't John's fault, yet it is the only he feels bad about.
  127.  
  128. >"Nothing BUT it was my fault. I behaved me like a little stupid kid." Dash said.
  129. Naturally, she forgives him. For everything. Always.
  130.  
  131. >It was a small hill. A perfect place to watch the mountains and the sky. The sky was clear and full of stars. John never seen so many stars like today because on his time the pollution in New York inhibited that.
  132. So we're getting a reprise of the last date scene? Please no. Also, I hope you mean light pollution.
  133.  
  134.  
  135.  
  136. >"Yes of course. We all make mistakes Dash." John said.
  137. "Well, I don't. But I am a perfect self-insert OC. I am infallible and like by everyone."
  138.  
  139. >"Yea normally I visit this place only if I sad or something else. No one knows this beautiful place and I would never show it somepony or ANYONE." she explained.
  140. Yes, this hill a few minutes away from the centre of town sure is a well hidden hiding place.
  141.  
  142. >"Hey man you are my hero! You saved me. You helped me." she said.
  143. All his life, John/Andre has wished that someone would look up to him. No one ever has.
  144.  
  145. >"Its getting cold." Dash said and looked to John.
  146. >"What you feel cold?" John asked and smiled.
  147. >"I agree a bit yes." Dash said.
  148. Romance.
  149.  
  150. >"NO YOU SAVED US ALL AND ESCAPILY ... ME!" Dash said and started to look deep in John´s eyes.
  151. He escapily saved his little angle. From the Dark Brotherhood OC Samantha, who was more powerful than everything in Equestria until John just came up to her and stabbed her.
  152.  
  153. >"You know I had a dream to entered to the Wonderbolts but now I have a new dream." Dash said and looked in the sky.
  154. >"<3YOU!<3" Dash said and comes closer to John.
  155. "I want to leave my hopes and dreams of a career as a star flyer behind me to be the lover of a hairless monkey who isn't even sexually attracted to me."
  156.  
  157. >John couldn't ignore this. He likes her too....very.... NO HE LOVES HER no matter. Dash blew John a kiss. They kissed each other.
  158. What a dramatic and shocking turn of events!
  159.  
  160.  
  161.  
  162. >They walked 15 minutes. There was a holiday house.
  163. >"That's our flat tonight." Dash said.
  164. Prepare for sexytime. Dashfags, continue reading at own risk.
  165.  
  166. >"Nope its a holiday flat and do you see anypony? No? See." she smiled.
  167. >They get inside. There was an oven too. The flat was very nice.
  168. Did they just break into a vacation property to fuck?
  169.  
  170. >"John I booked it. And the dinner is ready." Dash said.
  171. No. Of course not. That would have been to exciting. At least RD is good housewife material.
  172.  
  173. >"Oh gosh you boys are ALWAYS THE SAME never mind if pony or human." she beefed and smiled. It was just a joke.
  174. Beefed? Are we back to the musclegirl fantasy?
  175.  
  176. >"I made pasta bake." Dash said.
  177. >"PASTA BAKE?! MY FAVOURITE MEAL HOW COULD YOU KNOW THIS?" John asked.
  178. >"You are like an open book John." she smiled.
  179. That doesn't even make any sense. In any way.
  180.  
  181. >They sat down and eat together. John had never a romantic dinner like that. The flat was nice, the meal tasted great but the greatest sat in front of him with a seductive smile.
  182. Tells him where to go? Check. Loves him and forgives him unconditionally? Check. Makes food for him? Check. Readies a home for him? Check.
  183. RD is practically John's Mom. Yes, I am implying Oedipus implications.
  184.  
  185. >"Close your eyes." Dash said.
  186. >Dash gave John a blindfold. They moved upstairs. Then Dash opened a door. She took back Johns blindfold and he saw where he was.
  187. What purpose did that blindfold serve?
  188.  
  189.  
  190.  
  191. >It was .... the bedroom. A wonderful softy bedroom but wait, it wasn't a single bed, it was ....
  192. >"Oh..." John thought.
  193. It is apparently just now that John realised that this night would end in sex.
  194.  
  195. >"Wait no John that's to soon, you hadn´t it under control again. She is a PONY and you are a HUMAN. THAT WONT WORK." John thought.
  196. It will. Search your feelings, John Price. You will know it to be true.
  197.  
  198. >"But she loves you and you ... YES I LIKE HER ... NO I LOVE HER ... VERY MUCH. SHE IS THE REAL REASON WHY I WENT TO THIS CAVE.
  199. A gripping tale of a man's internal struggle when offered prime 16 year old horse pussy.
  200.  
  201. >Dash comes closer and closer to John. John couldn't resist her seductive eyes. She was so beautiful and ... never mind if she is a pony or not SHE IS MY TRULY LOVE!
  202. "Your virginity... will disappear. As will your moral inhibitions. Good, I can feel your lust. I am defenceless. Take your penis. Strike it into me with all of your lust and your journey towards the horsefucker side will be complete!"
  203.  
  204. >SOMETHING was going to go wrong, and it was this. I wasn't ready for this kind of stuff. I felt heat rushing through my face, and I knew I was blushing in deep red. Badly. Dash noticed immediately and giggled. Then we felt into the bed.
  205. Are you ready for John to administer a dose of hot dicking upon RD?
  206.  
  207.  
  208.  
  209. >She started to undress John and starts kissing his body up to down. John enjoyed that ... extreme. He never had feelings like this.
  210. He did the same with Dash´s dress. He was amazed about her buff body. They cuddled together.
  211. Things John likes:
  212. America
  213. RD
  214. Buff girls
  215.  
  216. This Johns dislikes:
  217. Samantha
  218. Steve Connor
  219. 9/11
  220. Terrorists
  221.  
  222. >"SSSSHHHHHH....you are MINE NOW, RELEX THAT MOMENT AND ENJOY YOUR "FIRST TIME"!" Dash giggled silent and then it became dark.
  223. Did he pass out?
  224.  
  225. >THEY WERE TOGETHER NOW!
  226. This is all there is to the sex scene. I am thoroughly disappointed.
  227. Though, If I remember correctly, in chapter 4, I betted on John getting his dick wet within 10 chapters. So I that's nice I guess.
  228.  
  229. >A WUNDERFUL REALITIONSHIP BETWEEN A HUMAN AND POY BEGAN.
  230. Ja, begann eine wunderbare Beziehung zwischen einem Pferd und einem Affen. Es war sehr sexy, ja.
  231.  
  232. Anyway, that's it for chapter 15, and likely all for today. The two next chapters, titled Assassination and The Hardest Fight ever, are a bit longer and likely more stupid than these chapters usually are, so I'll save them for tomorrow.
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