Mind Games

Lance put his Bayard onto his nightstand and removed the towel from his head, squeezing to get any remaining water out of his hair from the showers. Training had been intense, but better than usual; he noticed that Shiro was going easy on him, ignoring mistakes in his form that even he was aware were embarrassing. Considering how critical and demanding Shiro had been the past few weeks, it was a strange shift.

Asking him to train one-on-one was unusual, too. Shiro typically liked to get the whole team together for his training exercises, or came to check up on them while they worked alone. Instead of criticisms, Shiro had been oddly supportive, as well as staying closer to Lance physically than usual, helping him adjust his stance and hold his weapon properly, touching his shoulder when he complimented his work, but avoidant of eye contact and almost nervous whenever Lance replied. It was probably just the way that stress was messing with his mind, the same way it had been affecting his memory. Lance would enjoy his sudden positivity towards him while it lasted.

Ever since they’d had that conversation in the hallway where Shiro told him about not feeling like himself, his mood swings had gotten worse. It had been an issue ever since he came back from wherever the Black Lion sent him, he hadn’t been quite the same. Lance knew that whatever he had gone through must have been horrible, so he didn’t complain when Shiro become more controlling and angry, and defended him to the others.

“Dammit. I’m starting to act like Keith,” he mumbled, glaring accusingly at the Red Paladin suit at the foot of his bed. Maybe this was just a thing that happened when you took on Red- getting extra defensive of whoever piloted Black, right-hand guy and all that. Or maybe it was just because he couldn’t stand people talking that way about his hero.

If Lance ever had something resembling feelings for another guy, he knew that it was Shiro. It was difficult not to- and the way he’d been alternating between lashing out at him and apologetic words of kindness just made his approval taste sweeter. He wanted- needed Shiro to think he was a good Paladin, a useful member of the team. Maybe he’d never get as close to him as Keith did, but all the attention that he got from him felt amazing, whether positive or negative.

Removing his bath robe, Lance changed into his comfortably silky Altean nightwear. He hoped he’d be allowed to keep it when he returned to Earth, or maybe could get a tracksuit made out of the same material. Reaching for his comb, Lance absentmindedly brushed his hair as he stretched out on the bed and allowed his tired muscles to relax.

A knocking sound was emanating from the entry portal to his room, sounding kind of anachronistic with how different it looked from a normal door. Sitting up, Lance briefly mused about who it was. He hoped it wasn’t Allura, since he hadn’t finished with his nightly beauty routine and probably still looked kind of worn out from training.

“Uh, yeah?” Lance replied, flinching a little when the portal split open to reveal Shiro.

“Hi. Is it okay if I come in?” Shiro smiled, but looked slightly uncomfortable. Lance’s heart began to race involuntarily. He quickly got up and started cleaning his stuff up, anxious that his messiness would piss him off and change Shiro’s mood back to its lower range. Shiro’s arms were folded, but he didn’t seem angry. Did he have bad news for Lance? Was that why he seemed so… awkward?

“Shiro. Hey,” Lance said stiltedly, trying not to betray his nervousness in his voice. “What’s up? Is something wrong?”

Wrong with me, Lance silently added on.

“Nothing’s wrong.” Shiro stepped inside and let the portal shut behind him, placing a hand on the back of his head and wincing. Lance knew that he had been having a lot of headaches recently, and that he was concerned about figuring out their source. “I mean, nothing really. I just… wanted to talk to you.”

Lance swallowed and cracked a tentative grin. “Yeah, that’s fine. What do you want to talk about?”

“I know I’ve been leaning a lot on you recently,” Shiro began, uncharacteristically shakily. Normally he sounded completely confident, firm with whatever statement he was making- apart from those brief moments of vulnerability that Lance had noticed. Shiro had been showing those more and more often, and always seemed to do so when just Lance was around. It made him feel… kind of good.

“But you’ve been able to… help me a lot, Lance. I’m beginning to realize how much I need you.”

Lance’s forced smile shifted into a natural one, his body feeling lighter with Shiro’s praise. “No problem, man. I mean, you’re the leader of our team. I’ll do whatever you need me to.”

Shiro’s gaze suddenly became more focused, no longer avoiding Lance’s eyes. “I don’t think you understand.” He sat down next to Lance on his bed, stiffly sitting upright, his hands interlocked and fingers coming apart and together like a nervous tic. “Lance, I really do need you. Not just as a soldier or… teammate.”

The warm feeling in Lance’s body became almost uncomfortable, his stomach buzzing with that same feeling he got when a girl he liked paid attention to him. Shiro had always managed to make him feel that way, even if Lance didn’t like to think about whether his feelings went beyond respect or hero worship. Now, he was beginning to become certain that they did.

“Shiro, I-“ Lance bit his lip, feeling paralyzed by the words he was trying to find. What should he say? A simple ‘Thanks’ wouldn’t cut it. He also really didn’t want to blurt out anything stupid and destroy this moment they were having. What the hell did you say in this kind of a situation? Shiro finally seemed to… care for him. The high he felt was incredible, but he knew what a low it could drop to in an instant. “-I’m really glad, Shiro. I know I’m not Keith, but-“

“I know you’re not Keith.” Without warning, Shiro shifted closer to Lance and wrapped his arms around him, roughly pulling him in so that they were facing one another, their heads not more than a few inches apart. “This isn’t about him, or you replacing him. He’s family to me, but that’s different than what I’m saying now.”

The excited buzzing that Lance felt became chaotic, confused. He was stuck somewhere between elation and fear, unable to escape but having Shiro pay this kind of attention to him-

Shiro’s eyes had changed again. They became almost hyperfocused, the intensity of his expression scary. Lance really, really hoped he wasn’t going to have another Jekyll-and-Hyde change of heart right now.

“I love you, Lance. I can’t remember… figure out… when this happened, but I do.”

Lance’s mind went completely blank.

“Wh… what?” He’d misheard, right? Shiro must have meant something else, his head was messing with him, or he had fallen straight asleep without noticing and this was a dream. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d had one like this.

Shiro’s brows furrowed. “Look, I know this isn’t right. But it’s what I need from you right now. Please.”

Please, what?

Before he could reply, Lance felt his head hit the mattress as Shiro shoved him down into his bed, within a single movement repositioning him to lay beneath him on the bed and kissing him roughly. Lance’s head became hyperactive, his thoughts coming at him too rapidly to keep track of. He felt too stunned to move or respond in any way, his body becoming tense from the shock and wave of adrenaline hitting him.

“Lance.” Shiro’s voice was serious, the same one he’d used when he berated or yelled at him in the past. But his expression was softening, the arms he was pinning Lance down with trembling. “I’m so confused. I feel like I’m falling into pieces and everybody knows. Nothing else makes sense here but you. Whatever is going on, you can help me. I just need…”

Lance felt the coolness of Shiro’s robotic hand going underneath his shirt, tracing his body.

“S-Shiro!” Lance yelped, flinching away from the touch.

Shiro’s other hand moved to cover his mouth, his nails digging into Lance’s skin. His expression became angry, the way he had looked when he yelled at Lance in front of the others.

“Shut up,” he hissed. “Whatever happened to ‘I’ll do whatever you need me to do’? I’m your leader, and you’re going to keep your word and trust me.”

If Lance hadn’t been so stunned, he might have teared up, but Shiro’s sudden violence all seemed like a hazy dream to him. Not even a nightmare. He could almost believe that this all made sense, that this was really happening…

“Be good,” Shiro murmured, the hand on Lance’s body moving towards the hem of his pants. “Everything is going to be fine.” It wasn’t apparent whether Shiro was talking to Lance or himself.

Unable to protest or find the will to fight, Lance watched as Shiro’s face changed back into a soft, almost tender expression. He knew somewhere in the back of his head that this was wrong, and he should be fighting it. But since it was Shiro, the Shiro he’d always idolized and who had kept him and his friends safe and alive through so many battles…

Lance moved his arm up as much as Shiro’s dominion over him would allow and touched him gently, silently accepting his situation. Shiro seemed to understand, removing his hand from Lance’s mouth and stroking his cheek.

“I’m sorry I did that,” he whispered, leaning in and kissing Lance on the neck, this time more gently. “I don’t know why I… y-you’re okay with this, right?”

“…Yeah,” Lance replied, still in a daze. Shiro said everything was going to be fine, so it was. That was that. He figured that things could be much, much worse- and Shiro had said that he loved him. That was enough to justify… whatever this was. He could take it, for Shiro’s sake. This almost seemed like a dream come true, in its own twisted and mangled way.

“Good boy.” Shiro’s head moved up and his mouth twisted into a sneer. “Show me what you’re good for, Lance.”

The hand travelling down his body now yanked his bottoms off and gripped his thigh. Lance tried not to make any noise to suggest his pain, fearing what Shiro would do to him in response.

Shiro got onto his knees with his legs on either side of lance and began to fumble with his own pants. His breathing was erratic, his expression frenzied and desperate. Lance watched as he pulled his pants down and saw that his cock was hard, his legs quivering.

“Please- please help me, Lance- Nobody else can- You know I love you. Please, just trust me. It won’t hurt you.”

Sitting down on top of Lance’s bare lower half, Shiro’s chest heaved with each breath through gritted teeth as he stared intensely into Lance’s eyes, moving both hands to cradle his face. Lance felt almost disassociated from his body, the sensation of heaviness resting on him and mixture of fear and arousal palpable, but his body out of his conscious control.

“Shiro, I don’t know why you’re doing this, but…” Lance gulped, feeling his eyes water a little and hoping that he wasn’t going to cry out of sheer confusion. “I trust you.” What choice did he have?

Shiro began to move around, lifting himself up slightly onto his shins and rocking back and forth on Lance’s pelvis. His face was impossible to read, caught between the two states of mind he kept flipping between. Lance felt himself begin to get hard between the movement of Shiro’s body and the look of him, pants down and erect, taking complete control of him.

Shiro pushed two fingers inside of Lance’s mouth, still expressionless. “Suck.”

Lance diid as he was told. Finally, Shiro’s face settled on a smile.

“You’re doing great, Lance. You’re giving me everything I need. I feel so much more whole when I’m with you.” His other hand trailed down to Lance’s shoulder, rubbing it, not unlike the touches that he had given him before when he performed well in training. The feeling of affirmation just made Lance feel even more aroused, and he was unable to stifle a moan.

Removing his fingers from Lance’s mouth, Shiro leaned back and moved his lower body up for a moment to rub the saliva up and down the shaft of his cock. “This is far from optimal,” he muttered, “but it will have to do. I’ll come prepared in the future.” His tone of voice was the exact same as when he made a move in battle, fucking with Lance’s head even more.

Shiro lowered himself onto Lance’s cock with surprising ease, not hesitating or pausing until it was buried to the hilt. Lance felt himself weaken as pleasure overtook him even more than it already had, feeling the warmth and tightness unlike anything he’d experienced before or could have imagined in any fantasy. Maybe none of this made sense, but at least it felt good.

Still, this was as far from the way Lance pictured losing his virginity as possible.

Shiro grunted as he began to move up and down, steadying himself with his hands on Lance’s shoulders. His motions were fast and desperate, his fingers twitching as if searching for something within Lance’s skin. He seemed to be caught up in an unpleasant thought, his expression conflicted.

Lance put his hands on Shiro’s sides, hoping to comfort him; as messed up as the whole ordeal was, he could tell that he needed it.

“It’s okay, Shiro,” He whispered between his quiet pants and moans. “It’s okay… It’s okay.”

Shiro seemed to calm down, finally steadying his pace and looking at Lance with a grateful expression that seemed full of adoration. It felt amazing to have Shiro this hungry for him, his body, his comfort. His hero really needed him, really loved him. Plus, Shiro’s body just looked and felt amazing in general. Why fight it?

Shiro’s breathing became more laboured, his moans louder as he brought Lance closer to orgasm. He whispered something under his breath, so quietly that Lance could barely hear him.

“…Love me. Tell me you love me… Tell me…”

Shiro suddenly moved to grasp his throat and grip it so that Lance could barely breathe. He spoke louder now, issuing a command. “Tell me you love me.” There were tears in his eyes.

Lance couldn’t help but be surprised at how vulnerable Shiro sounded. “I love you,” he replied hoarsely, feeling himself on the edge. “I love you, Shiro!”

With that, Shiro cried out, biting on his lip as he came onto Lance’s chest. His body pulsed with the waves of the aftershock, tightening and making Lance cum inside him in turn, choking out his beloved leader’s name.

The hand of Lance’s throat loosened its grip and became limp. Shiro fell forward as he lifted himself off of Lance’s softening cock, lying on top of him like a machine that had run out of power. Both were still breathing heavily, Lance still recovering from the asphyxiation that Shiro had given him.

As his mind wandered in the confusion of the afterglow, Lance was brought back to reality by a soft, rhythmic heaving he felt against him. Focusing back onto Shiro, Lance realized that he was now sobbing quietly.

“Why did I do that? Christ, Lance, why? How could I do that to you? Why?”

“Hey,” Lance whispered, wrapping his arms around Shiro and allowing him to fall to his side on the bed. “It’s okay, Shiro. I’m okay. Don’t worry.”

Shiro whimpered, resting his head on Lance’s chest and curling up.

“I really am someone else. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, or why. Please help me, Lance. I need you.”

Lance ran a hand through Shiro’s hair. Through this experience that he knew should be traumatizing to him, he felt as if they had been transported to some fucked up world where all of this made perfect sense. And in this world, he guessed that he had ended up as Shiro’s secret lover, or whore, or something in between. Somehow, he was fine with that.

“Let’s just go to sleep,” Lance replied, feeling completely spent. He felt sore now not only from the training he did earlier, but from having Shiro riding him so forcefully and practically tearing into his flesh at times. Also, if Shiro went to sleep, he couldn’t change back to being angry.

Shiro must also have been exhausted, since he readily complied and fell asleep, holding onto Lance like a life raft. Before Lance could disappear into unconsciousness himself, he heard Shiro mumble in his sleep.

“I just want it to stop.”