Egyptian Mythology, jump #111: Deputy Sun vs Yakub coom-off

[Egyptian Mythology, jump #111]

Drawbacks: The Dynasties, Your Myth May Vary, Red Sands, Atenopocalypse, Weighing of Jumper's Heart, Ancient Aliens, The Lionness, T̶͠h̀͢͞e B͞l͟a̛͜c̛͜k̛ ̴͡͡P̶̢͟h͜a͞r̕͜o͠a͘͢h (2500)

The Creation of the World

Neter, Solar (2300)

Heka (Free)
Egyptian Soul (Free)
Life in the Afterlife (Free)
Sphere of Influence: Horizon, Order, Judgement (2100)
A God's Body: Clay human, limestone human, marble human (Free)
Ma'at (2000)
Begetting (1800)
Dual God (1500)
The Golden Sun (Free)
Jumper's Godly Attributes (1200)
Cult of Mystery (Free)
Golden Knife (Free)
Solar/Lunar Disc (1000)
Solar Barque (800)
Waters of Creation (500)
Opposite Aspect: Shores, The Abyss, Primordial Waters (300)
Ennead (0)
-Aria: Solar, The Golden Sun (Free), A God's Body (Free), Sphere of Influence: The Indestructibles (Free), Begetting (600), Heir (500), Eye of Ra (300), Jumper's Godly Attributes (0)
-Esi: Devourer, A God's Body (Free), Bite of Uraeus (Free), Sphere of Influence: Salt water (Free), Begetting (600), Great Serpent (500), Maw of Oblivion (300), Serpent of Rebirth (0)
-Cabar: Worldly, A God's Body (Free), Jumper of the West (Free), Sphere of Influence: Magic (Free), Begetting (600), Name of Power (500), Blessings to the Faithful (300), Incarnate (0)
-Hesi: Solar, The Golden Sun (Free), A God's Body (Free), Sphere of Influence: Falling stars (Free), Begetting (600), Great Serpent (500), Maw of Oblivion (300), Serpent of Rebirth (0)
-Merte: Devourer, A God's Body (Free), Bite of Uraeus (Free), Sphere of Influence: The Moon's Reflection (Free), Begetting (600), The Island in the Bitter Lake (Free), Crawling Things (500), Empty Darkness (300), Great Serpent (200), Maw of Oblivion (0)
-Cabar: Worldly, A God's Body (Free), Jumper of the West (Free), Sphere of Influence: Languages (Free), Begetting (600), Name of Power (500), Blessings to the Faithful (300), Incarnate (0)
-Senet: Worldly, Jumper of the West (Free), A God's Body (Free), Sphere of Influence: Nourishment, Ressurection, The Desert, Regeneration (500), Begetting (300), Incarnate (0)
-Nofre-Ari: Devourer, A God's Boody (Free), Bite of Uraeus (Free), Sphere of Influence: Namelessness (Free), Great Serpent (500), Maw of Oblivion (300), Serpent of Rebirth (0)

In the beginning, I rose from the watery abyss knowing all the movements of harmonious order. Two other celestial beings rose with me, and three incarnations of the world-to-be. As I travelled a portion of the water of creation itself reflected me, slavering predators swimming below her skirts, but they did not attack and claimed kinship like my other sisters, and I felt no fear to them.

I saw Ra hatch from his golden egg and greeted him. I saw Ptah create himself from nothing and nodded. Then I saw Atum rise on the Benben.

"So, who's actually supposed to create the world?"
"Don't know, too busy doing it" he explained, jacking his package.
"Hmm. That's what the other gods said"
"Huh" he said, skinning his sausage.
"So...it's just worlds all the way down?"
"Yep" he said, jerking his gherkin.

I thought about that for a while.
I shrugged, unzipped my loincloth and tangled my dangler. "Can I help?" "Sure, why not?"

"Wow, I've never created a WHOLE world this way before. Isn't this quaint?" I said later to the other nearby masturbating god I couldn't see clearly.

"Typically crude of Earth gods, isn't it? But I suppose it does get the job done. Hello, it's been a while" said Nyarlathotep calmly.

With less than no hesitation, I turned my fertility into a sceptre and struck it right in the crotch.


AND SO, the period of harmonious creation ended EXPLOSIVELY as I went from zero to ballistic and, still ejaculating what would become Australia, kicked Nyarlathotep in the face with my godly foot. It's own abominable fractal crotch-tooth-prolapse ejected a disembodied soulless blasphemy as he went flying, that would one day incarnate as Milton Keynes. The waters of Nun turned sour, saline and corrosive where Nyarlathotep landed beneath them, leaving the gods on unsteady footing as they swirled into a vortex of dire oblivion from which the chaos' rich, contemptible chuckling echoed. Several lesser gods went screaming into the maelstrom, never to be seen again.

So began the reign of Ra.

I consulted with my strategists, and my Strategists, and realised Nyarlathotep's contribution to the myriad Creations that lay on top of each other like Sloppy Joes had not only forever erased whatever coherent ontology the gods had, but had permeated reality with a wrongness-a disharmony that shadowed and opposed Ma'at. I began setting into motion my plan to defeat Nyarlathotep.

"I have a gift for you. Small rowboats, so that you two can accompany my flights" I told my celestial sisters.
"Wonderful. Even Ra won't pay much attention to what happens so near the border of his domain" said Aria.

"We'll need to build a chamber here, right under your main temple" I told my worldly sisters.
"A waterproof one, for neatness' sake" said Senet.

"And as for you three I'll build a, a kind of stone river that leads through the underworld. You can call it a sluice, and from it you'll get your tithe of soul energy" I told my abyssal sisters and my counterpart.
Esi made hungry roaring noises.

The rest of the gods were fairly confused about what the plan was, other than it only happened in private.

Ra forbade Nyarlathotep to be spoken of. It set the plan back, but less than contesting him would. He sailed his boat high and far in the day then back into the depths of Nu at night, while mine dawdled perpetually on the border where land and sea met sky. In this way farmers and kings were roused to work, astronomers and witches learned of celestial transitions and the borders of reality were afforded a second buffer.

I geased the humans to not oppose the gods and especially not to follow the Black Pharoah's whispers that drifted in like the desert wind from time to time. The Assyrians did. Strangely a lot of them started turning into white people over the years, and towards the end they lost much of their culture and civilisation devolving into abhuman monsters. Everything became a lot clearer when I caught Assyrians fielding sphynxes with void-portal faces, and slung the might of the sun at them from on high.

So began the reign of Osiris.

(Cont'd)

"I'm going to quit" Set told me one day. I had no formal duty on Ra's barge but we usually met at the start and end of a day anyway, because both humans and gods enjoyed the beer I'd invented to calm off Sekhmet. I'd made seeding the ground with rich dark beer a tradition so that when Sekhmet ran rampant, the fields already looked like delicious blood and it took only a slight enchantment to make her forget they weren't blood.

"You're going to quit guarding the sun every day, as Apep tries to devour it?" I asked.
"Yes"
"You're going to risk all light over...unfair labour hours?"
"YES! I've been doing this job since the dawn of time and they're forgetting about me! They don't even remember what a (egyptian word for animal that may not exist anymore) is! Look at Osiris!" shouted Set. "That useless (egyptian word for harem protagonist) wouldn't be half the god he without his sister! Our pantheon has been EMBARRASSED in the eyes of the Olympians and Annunaki!"

"That does suck pretty bad when you think about it like that" I said, administering the horizon and thinking about where next to hunt Nyarlathotep.

"Oh, was someone talking about me just now?" said Isis coming out of fucking nowhere. Set froze, ramrod straight, in terror while we chitchatted. We had beer, asked after each others' siblings, covertly exchanged a few pieces of mystic lore and after she left Set stared at me thoughtfully.

"You know" he said "I always thought it was quite the coincidence the old man was off his game long enough for someone to poison him"

"Well, it all worked out for the best didn't it?" I said. "With the advent of Osiris and his civilisation, humans have begun to learn the mystic arts of posthumous apotheosis meme magic. This generates more gods, and is in accord with the cosmic harmony. Maybe Ra should've made my Black Pharoah-smiting agenda a higher priority if he didn't want to be kicked upstairs"

Set's brow furrowed as he stared at my boat. It was now followed by an entire flotilla of solar deities that sprung up out of nowhere overnight.

"Hy-po-thetically" said Set carefully, "if my dark reign of tyranny openly hunted down that vile cosmic aberration. Would it's opening moves receive-a leveled playing field between myself and my overly privileged brother?"

(Cont'd)

"Absolutely. No promises are made AFTER said reign is formally recognised. But as you say, I will likely be very busy"
"Sweet"

So began the reign of Set. It was a time of brutal oppression and weaponising heka. It was around this time that I became patron to a group of mortal magicians who were taught a technique where their soul was bound into a helmet of sacred metal that focused and projected their heka as divinely potent Ma'at phenomena. They were called the Lords of Order.

Around this time the Persians invaded. I was pretty sure the Persians didn't fields orks and immortal mask-wearing men. I was pretty sure the Persians didn't have sorcerers who slung balls of exploding light, or actual mumakil for warbeasts. I was pretty sure the Persians weren't led by towering god-king after towering god-king. But everything became very clear once I discovered the Persians were invading from a bleak future in which the Great Old Ones had descended, and one in five of them exploded into hunting horrors when you realised this.

This was also the reign when other pantheons started encroaching on Egypt. Anansi cooked Hathor alive in a stew. Hermes showed up and stole Thoth's stuff. Although by the time I'd gotten back from purifying some timelines with solar radiance, imposing the order of Ma'at on others and leaving a few irredeemable ones to be eaten by the devourers many of them had retreated or settled for raids-because Egypt was full of gods at the time. Just, overpopulated with sun gods thronging the streets, blessing people's stuff, telling people about how you could become a god too. Anansi for example had been mugged by a dozen angry golden gods with big sticks in an alley to get back Hathor's tits.

And this too, generated more gods.

It was also around this time that Set discovered being the lord of storms and desert actually makes you a shitty administrator.



"Man, I love salad. You know what's the only thing I love more than salad? Rape. Especially raping Osiris' pampered little handsome, popular son's (egyptian word for boypussy)" said Set eating salad one day. I said nothing. "Gotta love this new dressing! Almost tastes as good as the nape of his neck while hatefucking him!" he said. He sighed. "I'm not a people person, am I?"

I continued to say nothing. "C'mon, say something about this salad! You don't even have a crocodile head or anything, what are you a reverse-vegan?" joked Set. I sighed, and said something about the salad dressing.

Set threw it out a window, screamed he wasn't gay, turned into a hippo, jumped out the window and lost a testicle in a fight with said bitchboi. And so began the reign of Horus and his pharoahs.

The next time I saw Set, it was after the Olympians had sued for peace after a prophecy made by the Fates about me. The Annunaki had less officially ceased hostilities and more focused on quarrling with deities in other regions after Inanna showed up on my barge unannounced for an...eventful night.

After, she looked me in the eye and said. "All of this has happened before. All of this will happen again".
"I know time was broken for you too. Tell me, am I remembered as a monster in your history as well? The Olympians keep yelling about something called Typhaon when they look at me"
She sniggered. "Ha. HA no, you'll have...privileges. But that does explain the snake-dicks"

It was at that point the aliens invaded.

I found Set talking to a man and Apep while wringing his hands, an army of men about to march of Egypt. They didn't look happy about it. Because at that point I'd spawned so many gods there were more gods than humans in Egypt, and none of them looked happy about the army on their doorstep.

"Okay so" said Set nervously, "mistakes may have been made"
"Mm-hmm"
"I...may have lost my temper slightly. And promised Apep half the world to devour in exchange for his support. I was not thinking clearly, and I am aware I am in trouble"
"Yes. Yes you are.
"And. You know what, ruling sucked. I'm just going to come quietly. I've found out some things you should know about that damned Black Pharoah"

After considering the situation, I gave orders. A storm of gods descended upon Apep and his army, while I told the aliens to bring me to their leader. I showed them a picture of Nyarlathotep. They didn't recognise him, but said one of their homeworld had encountered a similar entity before telling them to migrate to this planet before going dark forever. That was enough for me: I created new souls for the aliens to integrate them into Ma'at's harmony.

That left the serpent to deal with. It thrashed, and thrashed, under piles of chains and symbols and chanted words the gods were battering it with. This left it vulnerable when I named it a prisoner, and a defeated horror of bygone times, and manifested a great rod that was the incarnation of my judgement. When Apep opened his mouth to breath venom I drove roughly through the floor of his mouth, pinning him to the earth. When the top of his jaws closed on it as he thrashed, I assumed greater stature and trod his snout so the rod impaled him. Entombing Apep in a grotesque parody of mummification, stuck between life and death unable to flee into Nu to reform, Apep was finally made vulnerable as I unleashed reserves of light from other worlds to annihilate him.

This was the part where time broke for good.

This shouldn't have happened.

It was in alignment with Ma'at.

When time reformed my plan had gone awry. A vital component called Aten had hijacked most of the pantheon's powers, the other Neter diminished in a dozy fugue, many having abandoned the living world entirely. The palace guards I fought my way through were armed with divine regalia of their own, the pyramids they guarded flew on jets and most of the people there weren't even Egyptian. They looked suspiciously African, in fact.

My light tore through reinforced eldritch geometrical maze after reinforced eldritch geometrical maze. Sphynxes with faces that opened into the void pounced at me, the screams of the damned issued from swirling nebulae and predatory angles. And there, atop the pinnacle of the pyarmid, there was a family argument.

"You're not MY dad! It's my turn to be the supreme god!" screamed Aten in my face.
"You're RIGHT, I'm not your dad. You're my literal foot. Stop putting on airs and get back in line immediately" I ordered.
"That's bullshit and we both know it! We both know you don't even need the faith of the land here! What's wrong with doing things my way?!"
"Because as a mere PART of me, I can already tell you've sabotaged the plan irrevocably by absorbing several gods early! Where are the lineages of deities I've spawned down the ages? WHY ARE YOU LETTING AFRICANS OVERRUN EGYPT?"
"What? No, those africans...have always been there" said Aten, his eyes unfocusing. The void bubbled up through his eyes and dribbled out of his nose as his spine bent backwards and writhed like a dying eel. Before he could finish transforming into an avatar of chaos I turned my righteous judgement into a killing disc and slashed him into ash.

I went out again. The god of this eldritch, culturally enriched Egypt was descending from on high, his unnaturally bulbus head wearing a poorly fitting pharoah's headdress.

"How very far you've come. Where has all the time gone?" it said, it's smile stretching off it's face. In the distance, a cold wind of star-dust blew. Pyramids began to cave in, slick black tentacles waving hello lazily from within. "I remember a time when you were a lesser thing. A thing incapable of even dreaming to harm me. Now you see it, my target was never any one god but rather to unravel the balance that kept existence in order. In time, you will slow the process for the Annunaki and make of them an inconvenience, but here I stand. The mighty looking upon my works, to despair" . And then Nyarlathotep decided to add cultural appropriation to it's countless other crimes.

"You come here with your fancy-schmancy LIGHT and ORDER, and you think it can shut out the void? We wuz KANGZ, light boy. We all up in this biatch, usin' magnets fo' poisonin' the white man inta monstahs, we gettin' it DONE while you fakeass niggas be bitching 'bout universal order 'n harmony and all that bullshit. I tole you. I tole you dun fucked up nigga, you think I jus' jizzed in yo business to fuk wit you? I been sowin' discord & calamity all day EVERY day. 'Chu gon DO when the void's hustlin' beneath the very SKEIN o' da calabi-yau manifold you niggas fuckin wit? WAT CHOO GON DO, NIGGA?!"

The plan was lost. Fortunately, I had a backup plan. "This" I said. Once again I turned my fertility into a sceptre, but this time I actually gripped it in my thighs. Thrust. And from that thrust conjured a new era. An era in which the plan had gone off without a hitch. In which eventually, rites to accelerate the return of gods from death had been instituted, and the many parts of my body I had cast off then regenerated remained untainted by subtle corruptions while cultivated into the heights of power by my descendants.

The pyramids, the desert, the very sky split into gaping maws full of void-venom and dead stars that yearned and keened and roared for all light, all existence, to fall into the void and join the ceaseless cacophony of chaotic gradients at the Court of Azathoth. But I was too quick. Fast as a sunbeam I dived into the history I'd predicted I met with my aspect-descendants and amalgamated with them-becoming not just the horizon, but the horizon as worshipped and perceived from a hundred generations of mortal minds.

And barely stopping, I drove my sun-boat to the brink of nightfall where Nyarlathotep was trying to physically push the shores of Nu over reality. It was somehow doing it in a way that positioned itself crotch-first. It's genitals resembled an event horizon clogged with a botflie-infested anemone.

"Back! Back into the Abyss! Now we can do this the easy way, or the HARD way!" I shouted in a voice of thunder.

"DON'T DROP THE SOAP LIGHTY, IT'S ON LIKE FLEECE JOHNSON UP IN THIS BIATCH" it roared.

"THEN BY THE JUDGEMENT OF MA'AT, I SEE THAT YOU HAVE CHOSEN THE HARD WAY" I thundered, unsheathing my own symbolic and literal genitals.

The full force of heka, of balance, of the inevitable and self-justifying order that had ascended from the primordial waters flowed through me and into the blast of chunky non-newtonian strange matter fluid that Nyarlathotep was using to make reality into the cancerous hellhole of it's birth.

The struggle lasted many seasons: Spring was tainted by strange births and burnign portents in the sky, summer saw firestorms and kilns that burned with black flames, in autumn the crocodiles threw themselves on land to die of nameless things bursting from their organs that burned to ash in the sun's gaze and in winter the desert wind took the form of battling gods.

In the end, Nyarlathotep was the first to go flacid. It had laughed off the worldly gods whelming it with the symbols of their authority, Set dying to halt it's advance. It had roared in defiance as Ra and my family seared it with star-fire. But it hadn't expected the primordial waters beneath him to suddenly give way, for the abyss to fill with hungry teeth and least of all for an Abhorrent ICBM to blind it just long enough for an opportunity. Once more I drew on the full measure of the light and flame I had reserved, then concentrated into my genitals, and spoke them out into the world as an Imperial Miracle wrought in soulfire. Spoken as a wish like:

"I wish the light of day would banish night from all our years forever"

After the screaming and the last desperate clutches to the world were done, Nyarlathotep and the abyss could no longer be found save by a sluice that led to the part of it where my kin ruled. After, the reign of the Neter ended because the old gods had tired of their duties, and the new gods had either gone travelling to meet with other pantheons or reintegrated into me. I endured, bright and vigilant, after Ra himself had left. As Osiris said, even if I had not gained insurance from Yahweh in my youth (something that wasn't lost on the other Yahweh I met in my travels. He was a younger, poorer war god who liked barbeque ribs) the charm i'd given Isis which made his dismemberment by Set painless and saved his genitals from a crab alone would've earned me many charm points.

He did, however, ask me not to flood existence with my cum to save it again if it was at all possible.

>FIN