Late Night (2019)

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In 1991,
she became the first female

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late-night talk-show host
on a major network.

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Tonight
with Katherine Newbury

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is the gold standard...

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She has hosted
over 6,000 episodes,

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winning 43
Primetime Emmy Awards...

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She's brilliant.

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She is excellence
without compromise.

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Ladies and gentlemen,

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please welcome to the stage

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- this year's recipient...
- Three, two.

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...of the American Humor Award,

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Katherine Newbury.

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Thank you so much

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for this incredible honor,
although I do have to say

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I think America is in
a tough spot if it's giving

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this amazing award for American
comedy to an Englishwoman.

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I guess they're right--

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foreigners are taking
all your jobs.

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I mean, what happened?

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Is there no one funny left
in the country?

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Is Martin Short dead?

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What about Jerry Seinfeld?

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Or how about Alec Baldwin?

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I mean, come on.

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Did someone blow up
the Hamptons?

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Whatever the reason,
I'm assuming I'm here because,

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28 years ago, you gave me
the greatest honor of my life.

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You made me the host

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of Tonight with
Katherine Newbury.

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Oh, God.

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I have hated many pairs
of shoes in my time,

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but none more than these.

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And everything hurts.
I'm in hell. How are you?

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- I liked your speech.
- But you have notes.

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- I know you have notes.
- My only note is

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- to drink as much as you want.
- I ran into Steve Martin.

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- He sends his love.
- He sends his love?

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Jesus Christ.
How sick do people think I am?

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Oh, please don't die
before I get home.

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I haven't got the strength
to organize your funeral.

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- Go party.
- Are you kidding?

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My Spanx have actually cut off
the blood supply to my head.

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I'm going to bed.

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- Good night, my love.
- I'll see you tomorrow.

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You know what I hate?

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Those friends who are like,

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"Oh, can you take off
your shoes?"

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Nope, not taking 'em off.

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You know why?

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'Cause this is not Japan.

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It's the United States
of America.

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Next time you go
to a friend's house

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and that friend says,
"Ooh, hold on,

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can you take your shoes off?"
here's what you do.

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You take one of their shoes,

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and you take a shit in it.

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All right?
Right in front of them.

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Boom.
You're welcome, America.

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Oh, what a wanker.

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Tonight with
Katherine Newbury.

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So, how did the speech go?

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Did you like
what the writers wrote?

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Well, I kept the last line.

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"Thank you for this honor.
Good night."

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I'll take that as a no.

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Okay, so the network
has been trying to contact us.

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You have to call Caroline back.

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Oh, I was just reading
about her. Yeah, here.

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Listen to this: "As a female
president of a network..."

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Don't start any sentence with:
"As a female..."

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So tacky.

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"I want to remind my network

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"that show business
is still business.

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When I was at
Harvard Business School,"

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where, apparently,
she majored in name-dropping,

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"I learned that if we're not
hitting prospective consumers

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"in all four quadrants,
we are not going to make

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a return on our investment."
She sounds hilarious.

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- I can't wait to call her back.
- Great.

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And Gabe Eichler
is waiting to talk to you.

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- I don't know who that is.
- He's one of our writers.

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Whoopee.

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I'm in a single-income
household,

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and Jen and I just had
our second baby, Taylor.

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Adorable, huh?

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She takes after you.

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Yeah. Thanks.

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So there's just
a lot of expenses

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at home right now, and...
I think it's time for a raise.

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I see.

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This is actually
very exciting to me.

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- Really? Great.
- Because what you're describing

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is the most clear-cut example
of the classic sexist argument

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for the advancement of men
in the workplace.

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You're asking for a raise
not because of

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any work-related contribution
you've made,

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but simply because
you have a family.

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And that's why, in the 1950s,
family men were promoted

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over the women
they worked with.

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I've never encountered it,
actually,

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in such a clean, teachable way.

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I don't think that's at all
what's happening.

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I can't give you a raise, Gabe.

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- It's like giving a raise to a drug addict.
- What?

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Well, your situations
are virtually identical.

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A drug addict makes
certain decisions

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outside of work
for their sense of self

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and comfort,
and then the addiction

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demands more time, more energy,
more money, just like a child.

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- My child's like a drug problem?
- Exactly.

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You want special treatment.
I'm sure you can see

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how unfair that would be
to a single man or-or woman.

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There are no women
on this staff.

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- Gabe. -And the reason
there aren't any women

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is because you hate women.

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So you can sit there
spouting all this

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pseudo-feminist bullshit,
but we all know

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what's going on here.

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We need to hire a woman.

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You're fired, obviously.

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Just so you know,

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this show sucks
and has for years.

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Everybody's here
for the paycheck.

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That would mean so much more
coming from someone with a job.

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Sorry, man.

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Yeah, sorry.

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Bradley, I don't hate women.

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I don't think you think
you hate women.

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What does that mean?

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I think you might have
a problem with women.

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I love Mary Tyler Moore.
I love Gilda Radner.

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They're both dead.
I-I think you have a problem

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with living female writers
on your staff.

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You never want to renew
their contracts.

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Well, find me one
worth keeping.

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- Would a gay guy work?
- No!

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"I have spread my dreams
under your feet.

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Tread softly because
you tread on my dreams."

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God!

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Okay, all right, all right.

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Oh, there's my guy.

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- How are you, buddy? Hey.
- Good.

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You guys remember my
little brother, Hayes, right?

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- Hey. -He's the funny one
in the family.

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- Oh. What?
- Wait, someone in your family is funny?

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Hey, man.

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Hayes, your timing
could not be better.

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- Gabe got fired last week.
- Oh, yeah.

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See, Gabe asked
if he could go home

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and have dinner with his kids.
Suicide.

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Yeah, so listen, so when you go
in there, okay, no commitments.

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- Okay.
- No girlfriend. All right?

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- You're a monk.
- All right.

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- Monk. I'm a monk.
- Dad already called the network.

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- You got this.
- You got this.

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- Thank you.
- Good luck, man.

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- Thanks.
- Text me after, okay?

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All right.

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So, you worked
at "Chemical Plant."

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Is that a cable show?

162
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No, it's a place.

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It's a... a chemical plant.

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I still work there, actually.

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How did you even hear
about this job?

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Your submission came
from Margaret Yang

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at Human Resources.

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At the chemical plant
where I work,

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there is a corkboard--

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you know,
where people hang notices

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for bikes, futons,
missing cats--

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and one day, I saw a notice

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for a company-sponsored
essay contest

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where the prize was you could
meet any executive you want.

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- An essay contest?
- Yes.

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To meet an executive, like...

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the head of the chemical plant?

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Yes, I think that's what

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you could have picked,
traditionally.

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- But you didn't?
- No.

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I picked Vernon Gleason,
the chief operating officer

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for all of Mainline Chemical,
which owns my plant,

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but also owns Comtech,
which owns this network,

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which owns Tonight with
Katherine Newbury.

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So... so you went

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to our parent's parent company

187
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in order to make
this interview?

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- Yep.
- And you have no experience in comedy?

189
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No.
No, I'm obsessed with comedy.

190
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No, I've seen every episode
of this show.

191
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I-I've read every book
written about it.

192
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- I do a little stand-up.
- Where?

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If you have a problem,
ask a chemist.

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She'll always have the solution.

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Which kills with people
who know about chemistry.

196
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And I'm actually emceeing
a benefit

197
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in the city pretty soon.

198
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- It's kind of cool.
- Um...

199
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"Cancer Isn't Funny:
A Night of Comedy

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in Support of Lung Cancer."
Jesus Christ.

201
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- Yes.
- Yeah, it's me.

202
00:08:29,134 --> 00:08:30,552
Did you hire a woman yet?

203
00:08:30,719 --> 00:08:34,056
- Uh, working on it.
- What's taking so long?

204
00:08:34,223 --> 00:08:36,201
The submissions haven't exactly
been the strongest.

205
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Just hire a woman!

206
00:08:40,938 --> 00:08:42,856
I also wanted to add

207
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that I live with
my aunt and uncle

208
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and 11-year-old cousin
in Queens.

209
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I have no friends,
no boyfriend.

210
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I am a monk.

211
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This job would be
my entire life.

212
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Would you consider yourself
a litigious person?

213
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- Litigious?
- A TV writers' room is...

214
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it's not very PC. It can be
a pretty masculine environment.

215
00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:01,458
Oh. I saw most of the writers.

216
00:09:01,625 --> 00:09:03,669
I'm not overly worried
about masculinity.

217
00:09:03,835 --> 00:09:05,837
Oh.

218
00:09:08,966 --> 00:09:11,426
Uh... you're hired.

219
00:09:11,593 --> 00:09:13,470
For 13 weeks--
and if it doesn't work out,

220
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which it probably won't,
you'll be gone.

221
00:09:15,347 --> 00:09:16,723
I can't believe this.

222
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:18,684
I thought this was going
very badly.

223
00:09:18,850 --> 00:09:20,227
It did, and then it didn't.

224
00:09:20,394 --> 00:09:22,020
Okay, here's my spiel
to all new writers.

225
00:09:22,187 --> 00:09:23,939
Nothing funny happened
after 1995.

226
00:09:24,106 --> 00:09:25,607
Don't talk about the Internet.

227
00:09:25,774 --> 00:09:27,234
She doesn't want
to leave her desk.

228
00:09:27,401 --> 00:09:29,045
She certainly doesn't want
to leave the office.

229
00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:30,338
- Here's the new schedule.
- Don't rock the boat.

230
00:09:30,362 --> 00:09:31,780
Oh, but don't use
the expression,

231
00:09:31,947 --> 00:09:33,949
"Don't rock the boat,"
'cause she hates it.

232
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Got it?

233
00:09:36,285 --> 00:09:38,745
Didn't you pitch us this same
exact thing last week?

234
00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:40,706
- Yes.
- I didn't... okay, well, I did

235
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- a different iteration.
- Pitched that same thing.

236
00:09:42,499 --> 00:09:45,377
Hey. Guys, uh, this is, um...

237
00:09:45,544 --> 00:09:46,962
- What's your name again?
- Molly.

238
00:09:47,129 --> 00:09:49,089
Malee. She used to work
at a chemical plant,

239
00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:50,841
and now she's working here.

240
00:09:51,008 --> 00:09:52,342
Oh. Oh, thank God.
We're starving.

241
00:09:52,509 --> 00:09:53,802
Uh, can you find out what

242
00:09:53,969 --> 00:09:55,512
the soup of the day is
at Au Bon Pain?

243
00:09:55,679 --> 00:09:57,031
Oh, and I need you
to send some packages

244
00:09:57,055 --> 00:09:58,473
back to L.L.Bean for me.

245
00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:00,159
She's not a
production assistant, dipshits.

246
00:10:00,183 --> 00:10:02,227
- She's the new writer.
- Mm-hmm.

247
00:10:03,812 --> 00:10:04,896
Hi.

248
00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,650
So, you start
tomorrow at 10:00.

249
00:10:08,817 --> 00:10:10,027
- Great.
- Okay.

250
00:10:13,989 --> 00:10:15,324
Tonight with
Katherine Newbury.

251
00:10:24,541 --> 00:10:26,126
Are you okay?

252
00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:28,879
I'm so happy, I feel sick.

253
00:10:32,799 --> 00:10:34,259
That's our show, everyone.

254
00:10:34,426 --> 00:10:37,054
I hope I earned the privilege
of your time.

255
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:44,311
- Brad.
- Yeah.

256
00:10:44,478 --> 00:10:46,313
Who is the woman
who was the second guest?

257
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:47,481
Dianne Feinstein?

258
00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:49,566
U.S. Senator?

259
00:10:49,733 --> 00:10:52,053
I thought it was Mike Myers
doing a bit in old-lady makeup.

260
00:10:52,110 --> 00:10:54,696
Jesus Christ. Why does she keep
booking these boring old broads

261
00:10:54,863 --> 00:10:56,990
when I rep the funniest
comedians in the city?

262
00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:58,477
Probably because I have

263
00:10:58,617 --> 00:11:00,327
a soft spot
for boring old broads.

264
00:11:00,494 --> 00:11:02,245
Speaking as one, hello, Billy.

265
00:11:02,412 --> 00:11:04,539
- Katherine, you look gorgeous as ever.
- Thank you.

266
00:11:04,706 --> 00:11:06,625
To what do I owe the pleasure
of a visit

267
00:11:06,792 --> 00:11:08,392
from the world's pushiest
talent manager?

268
00:11:08,543 --> 00:11:10,420
How about getting some
of my guys on the show?

269
00:11:10,587 --> 00:11:12,172
It'll shake the dust off
of this place.

270
00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:14,007
Dust?

271
00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:16,110
- Well... -Okay, Billy, I think
your charm is wearing off.

272
00:11:16,134 --> 00:11:18,470
- I'll-I'll walk you out.
- You know I'm right.

273
00:11:21,473 --> 00:11:23,100
Good for you.

274
00:11:23,266 --> 00:11:24,684
Uh, you're going to go
celebrate

275
00:11:24,851 --> 00:11:26,228
- with your friends?
- Mm-hmm.

276
00:11:26,395 --> 00:11:28,122
- We're gonna go get drinks.
- You deserve it.

277
00:11:28,146 --> 00:11:29,874
Okay, Mom, well, I don't want
to keep them waiting.

278
00:11:29,898 --> 00:11:31,400
I better go.

279
00:11:31,566 --> 00:11:33,693
- Was that the microwave?
- Oh, no, it's the doorbell.

280
00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:36,655
Be right there, you guys!
Okay, I got to go.

281
00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:47,374
Where did that catchphrase
come from?

282
00:11:47,541 --> 00:11:50,669
"I hope I earned the privilege
of your time"?

283
00:11:50,836 --> 00:11:52,462
It came from me.

284
00:11:52,629 --> 00:11:54,589
Sign of respect
for my audience.

285
00:11:54,756 --> 00:11:56,216
Your audience.

286
00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:58,343
Your tiny, proper,
catchphrase-loving audience.

287
00:11:58,510 --> 00:12:00,137
It's cute. I like it.

288
00:12:00,303 --> 00:12:01,721
That's a little insulting,
isn't it?

289
00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:03,608
Do you know what's insulting?
Waiting a week

290
00:12:03,682 --> 00:12:05,642
for one of your employees
to call you back.

291
00:12:05,809 --> 00:12:09,104
I apologize. I was away,
accepting an award for comedy.

292
00:12:09,271 --> 00:12:10,991
Comedy is the
three-and-a-half-minute chunks

293
00:12:11,022 --> 00:12:14,025
of filler on TV between
the commercials you sell.

294
00:12:15,485 --> 00:12:18,321
I came to tell you
this year is your last.

295
00:12:18,488 --> 00:12:19,614
What?

296
00:12:19,781 --> 00:12:22,451
This season is your last.

297
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:26,580
You're canceling the show?

298
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:28,123
No, I'm canceling you.

299
00:12:28,290 --> 00:12:30,459
This show is irrelevant.
The ratings reflect that.

300
00:12:30,625 --> 00:12:32,794
Do you want to know
who Jimmy Fallon had on

301
00:12:32,961 --> 00:12:35,881
last Tuesday when you had
Doris Kearns Goodwin?

302
00:12:36,047 --> 00:12:37,424
Robert Downey Jr.

303
00:12:37,591 --> 00:12:38,884
They washed a sheepdog
together.

304
00:12:39,050 --> 00:12:40,510
It was fucking glorious.

305
00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:42,345
I'm sorry, Caroline.

306
00:12:42,512 --> 00:12:44,365
Should I have played
giant Connect Four with her

307
00:12:44,389 --> 00:12:45,589
or perhaps sung a karaoke song

308
00:12:45,724 --> 00:12:47,309
on the back
of a tandem bicycle?

309
00:12:47,476 --> 00:12:49,328
It's Doris Kearns Goodwin.
She's a national treasure.

310
00:12:49,352 --> 00:12:51,104
Agreed. I only wish
she'd been an Avenger

311
00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,111
instead of writing books
about Abraham Lincoln.

312
00:12:53,231 --> 00:12:55,293
- She could be an Avenger if she tried.
- Your ratings

313
00:12:55,317 --> 00:12:57,128
have been in a steady decline
the past ten years.

314
00:12:57,152 --> 00:12:59,213
You won't even try to appeal
to a mainstream audience.

315
00:12:59,237 --> 00:13:00,947
The worst part is,
you seem proud of it,

316
00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:03,325
as if it's beneath you
to put forth any effort.

317
00:13:03,492 --> 00:13:06,119
It's so... English.

318
00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:08,955
I'm sure that attitude scores
you points at dinner parties,

319
00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:11,042
- but unfortun...
- I don't go to dinner parties.

320
00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:12,324
Who are you replacing me with?

321
00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:14,127
Well, we haven't
decided yet, but...

322
00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:15,879
we will.

323
00:13:18,673 --> 00:13:21,718
I hope I earned the privilege
of your time.

324
00:13:26,389 --> 00:13:28,683
After all the years,
the decades

325
00:13:28,850 --> 00:13:30,769
I've put into that show,
can you believe it?

326
00:13:30,936 --> 00:13:32,604
As a matter of fact, I can.

327
00:13:32,771 --> 00:13:34,606
They're all a bunch of idiots.

328
00:13:34,773 --> 00:13:36,834
I mean, this is the cyclical
nature of late-night TV.

329
00:13:36,858 --> 00:13:39,569
There are gonna be highs,
and there are gonna be slumps.

330
00:13:39,736 --> 00:13:42,656
This particular slump
has lasted for over a decade.

331
00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:44,908
- What? -The show hasn't
been good for years.

332
00:13:45,075 --> 00:13:48,161
Wow. I'm glad your candor's
still intact.

333
00:13:54,584 --> 00:13:56,628
Sorry.

334
00:13:56,795 --> 00:13:59,130
But if you felt this way,
why, for God's sake,

335
00:13:59,297 --> 00:14:00,465
didn't you say something?

336
00:14:00,632 --> 00:14:02,259
I thought you knew
and didn't care.

337
00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:03,677
- No.
- Are you sure?

338
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:05,262
Walter, I have invested
in precisely

339
00:14:05,428 --> 00:14:07,639
two things my entire life:
you and this show.

340
00:14:07,806 --> 00:14:09,349
I won't lose it now.
I can't.

341
00:14:09,516 --> 00:14:11,142
Then you have to fight again.

342
00:14:11,309 --> 00:14:13,812
Something you haven't had to do
for a long, long time.

343
00:14:13,979 --> 00:14:17,190
They want to replace you.

344
00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:19,234
But they can't replace you

345
00:14:19,401 --> 00:14:20,569
if everyone loves you.

346
00:14:24,781 --> 00:14:27,492
Okay, okay, okay, okay.

347
00:14:34,165 --> 00:14:35,417
Good morning!

348
00:14:35,584 --> 00:14:37,294
Oh, my God, you are so funny.

349
00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:39,671
Why am I even awake right now?
I'm a stand-up.

350
00:14:39,838 --> 00:14:41,758
I didn't even start my set
till 10:00 last night.

351
00:14:41,923 --> 00:14:43,734
Yeah, why did Brad want us here
so early anyway?

352
00:14:43,758 --> 00:14:44,968
That makes me kind of nervous.

353
00:14:45,135 --> 00:14:46,928
You're nervous?
That's surprising.

354
00:14:47,095 --> 00:14:49,931
Brad's assistant said he saw
Caroline Morton here yesterday.

355
00:14:50,098 --> 00:14:53,810
Caroline Morton? Why would the
head of the network come here?

356
00:15:10,327 --> 00:15:12,305
Well, hopefully, they don't lay
everybody off, you know?

357
00:15:12,329 --> 00:15:14,247
- I need this job.
- They did fire Gabe.

358
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:16,791
- Hey, babe. -Gabe should have
been fired years ago.

359
00:15:16,958 --> 00:15:19,127
He once went home early
because he had a "bad bagel."

360
00:15:19,294 --> 00:15:20,670
Hey, dickhead,
I shared an office

361
00:15:20,837 --> 00:15:22,464
with that guy for 17 years.

362
00:15:22,631 --> 00:15:25,008
- Oh, I heard he got hired at Kimmel.
- Fuck him.

363
00:15:25,175 --> 00:15:26,801
I thought you said Kimmel
wasn't hiring.

364
00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:29,030
Guys, there's a lot of reasons
Caroline could be here.

365
00:15:29,054 --> 00:15:30,764
Maybe she wants
to sleep with me.

366
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:33,224
Hey, man, it's a little early
in the morning for you to be

367
00:15:33,391 --> 00:15:35,036
this sexually charged, okay,
so let's just...

368
00:15:35,060 --> 00:15:36,820
Uh, sorry to interrupt
your coffee cake

369
00:15:36,895 --> 00:15:39,356
and catching up, but Katherine
is in the writers' room.

370
00:15:43,693 --> 00:15:45,654
God.

371
00:15:48,073 --> 00:15:49,783
Uh, if I may,
I just want to say,

372
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:52,452
it is such an honor
to meet you, Ms. Newbury.

373
00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:54,162
I'm Chris Reynolds.

374
00:15:54,329 --> 00:15:56,498
Uh, my name is Eugene Mancuso,
and when my parents

375
00:15:56,665 --> 00:15:58,601
- got divorced, this show...
- I don't know who any of you are.

376
00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:00,210
I don't know
who any of them are.

377
00:16:00,377 --> 00:16:02,504
- Um...
- Oh, well,

378
00:16:02,671 --> 00:16:05,507
uh, Tom.
I'm-I'm Tom.

379
00:16:05,674 --> 00:16:07,926
I, uh... I write the monologue.
I'm actually the youngest

380
00:16:08,093 --> 00:16:09,612
monologue writer
in the history of the show.

381
00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:10,863
No, no, no.
Don't care.

382
00:16:10,887 --> 00:16:12,097
- No? Okay.
- Do you know what?

383
00:16:12,263 --> 00:16:13,723
I'm not gonna remember
any of this,

384
00:16:13,890 --> 00:16:15,076
so here's what we're gonna do.
Um, you're One.

385
00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:17,977
Two. Three.

386
00:16:18,812 --> 00:16:20,772
Four.

387
00:16:20,939 --> 00:16:22,190
Hi, Katherine.

388
00:16:22,357 --> 00:16:24,776
Oh, Burditt. Thank God.
How's your baby?

389
00:16:24,943 --> 00:16:26,236
She's 27.

390
00:16:26,403 --> 00:16:27,904
Her baby's doing well.

391
00:16:28,071 --> 00:16:29,447
She just started preschool.

392
00:16:29,614 --> 00:16:31,008
She's, uh...

393
00:16:31,032 --> 00:16:32,450
Never mind.
I-I don't want to know.

394
00:16:32,617 --> 00:16:34,497
I don't know why I asked,
actually. You're Five.

395
00:16:34,536 --> 00:16:36,430
Six. Seven. That's what I'm
gonna call you all from now on.

396
00:16:36,454 --> 00:16:38,474
- It's just easier.
- Are we allowed to call each other

397
00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:39,624
by our own names?

398
00:16:39,791 --> 00:16:40,935
J-Just learn the numbers,
Reynolds.

399
00:16:40,959 --> 00:16:42,168
- Yeah, yeah.
- I mean Two.

400
00:16:42,335 --> 00:16:43,753
- Yeah.
- Can One and I switch?

401
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:45,630
I'm-I'm just...
I'm the most senior writer.

402
00:16:46,715 --> 00:16:47,882
I'll take Seven. Seven.

403
00:16:48,049 --> 00:16:49,318
- Lucky Seven.
- Okay, can we just

404
00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:50,635
get into it now
and see if we can

405
00:16:50,802 --> 00:16:52,321
- salvage anything worth taping?
- Yes.

406
00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:55,348
You-you had that
"Trapped in the Closet" thing.

407
00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:58,518
Why are you dressed like
you work HR at a funeral home?

408
00:16:58,685 --> 00:16:59,925
Pavarti,
I don't look like that.

409
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:01,396
I look professional.

410
00:17:01,563 --> 00:17:04,315
Like I work HR at a law firm.

411
00:17:23,001 --> 00:17:24,812
Um, anyway,
but it's something like that.

412
00:17:24,836 --> 00:17:26,796
- Yeah, you start.
- Okay, um...

413
00:17:26,963 --> 00:17:28,214
Now, but it could be funny.

414
00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:29,692
- That-that'd be your job.
- Who are you?

415
00:17:29,716 --> 00:17:30,717
Uh, I, uh... I-I'm Molly.

416
00:17:30,884 --> 00:17:32,552
I'm a new writer.

417
00:17:32,719 --> 00:17:34,947
- Uh, the new female writer.
- Yeah, I can see that, Brad.

418
00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:36,222
What are those?

419
00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:37,766
These are cupcakes.

420
00:17:37,932 --> 00:17:39,809
They're my way
of saying thank you

421
00:17:39,976 --> 00:17:42,312
- for this amazing opportun...
- You're late.

422
00:17:42,479 --> 00:17:44,314
Late?

423
00:17:44,481 --> 00:17:46,983
I thought I was
almost two hours early.

424
00:17:47,150 --> 00:17:48,735
Does it look like you're early?

425
00:17:48,902 --> 00:17:50,570
Uh, Brad told her
we start at 10:00.

426
00:17:50,737 --> 00:17:51,738
Oh.

427
00:17:52,655 --> 00:17:54,407
Well, get in here, then.

428
00:17:54,574 --> 00:17:56,254
- Should I...
- What? You want to sit down?

429
00:17:56,367 --> 00:17:58,536
Okay. Yeah.

430
00:17:58,703 --> 00:18:00,343
Oh, that's where
Mendelsohn sits.

431
00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:02,415
He's in the bathroom, so...

432
00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:05,418
- Okay.
- And that's McCrary's seat.

433
00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:07,086
- Oh.
- Where is McCrary?

434
00:18:07,253 --> 00:18:09,380
I told everyone
to be here at 8:00.

435
00:18:09,547 --> 00:18:10,381
Oh, he got a call
from his girlfriend,

436
00:18:10,548 --> 00:18:11,716
so it's gonna be a while.

437
00:18:11,883 --> 00:18:13,593
They're actually
newly long-distance,

438
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,112
- and I think it's been really hard for her.
- Has it been?

439
00:18:15,136 --> 00:18:16,489
Has it been hard
for McCrary's girlfriend?

440
00:18:16,513 --> 00:18:18,014
Oh, wow, he must be
such a catch.

441
00:18:18,181 --> 00:18:20,350
- Could you sit down, please?
- Uh, I-I-I want to.

442
00:18:20,517 --> 00:18:22,060
- I'm trying.
- Could you try harder?

443
00:18:22,227 --> 00:18:24,562
Uh, yes.

444
00:18:24,729 --> 00:18:26,940
Oh, okay. I'll just use,
uh, this trash can.

445
00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:30,693
There's... you know, there's
hardly any trash in it at all.

446
00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:32,403
- Excuse me. Thank you.
- Yeah.

447
00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:35,114
Ooh, it's kind of comfortable.
Better than a chair.

448
00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:36,574
- You're Eight.
- What?

449
00:18:36,741 --> 00:18:37,951
Your name is Eight.

450
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:39,517
- I'm Molly.
- None of this matters.

451
00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:41,179
Why would anyone care
what your name is?

452
00:18:41,246 --> 00:18:43,126
Do none of you understand
what is at stake here?

453
00:18:43,164 --> 00:18:45,166
I am being replaced
as host of this show

454
00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:48,503
because of declining ratings
and general lack of quality.

455
00:18:48,670 --> 00:18:51,172
- Wait, what?
- The show is great.

456
00:18:51,339 --> 00:18:53,299
Let's see them
do 300 shows a year.

457
00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:54,944
What do they expect?

458
00:18:54,968 --> 00:18:57,053
What do they know?

459
00:18:57,220 --> 00:18:58,721
What do you think?

460
00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:02,475
Oh, I think it's horrible.

461
00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:04,102
It's terrible.

462
00:19:04,269 --> 00:19:06,521
It's-it's the worst.
It's... I hate it.

463
00:19:06,688 --> 00:19:08,523
Please stop saying
synonyms for "bad."

464
00:19:08,690 --> 00:19:10,817
Tell me what you think.

465
00:19:10,984 --> 00:19:14,696
If I'm being
completely honest, and...

466
00:19:14,863 --> 00:19:16,281
also acknowledging
how much of a fan

467
00:19:16,447 --> 00:19:18,616
I am of the show
and all of your work,

468
00:19:18,783 --> 00:19:22,078
I think there is room for
a little bit of improvement.

469
00:19:22,245 --> 00:19:23,621
Oh, well, sorry the show

470
00:19:23,788 --> 00:19:25,266
doesn't appeal to
the heightened sensibilities

471
00:19:25,290 --> 00:19:26,767
of you and your friends
at the factory.

472
00:19:26,791 --> 00:19:28,501
It's a chemical plant,
not a factory.

473
00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:30,271
Seven's
right. It's not the smartest

474
00:19:30,295 --> 00:19:31,814
thing in the world
to come in on your first day

475
00:19:31,838 --> 00:19:33,198
and criticize
a room full of people

476
00:19:33,298 --> 00:19:35,425
who've been doing this
for years, but...

477
00:19:35,592 --> 00:19:37,468
I asked your opinion,

478
00:19:37,635 --> 00:19:39,846
and honestly,
I do not disagree with you.

479
00:19:40,013 --> 00:19:41,613
I've been hearing
a lot of this recently.

480
00:19:41,764 --> 00:19:43,933
Last night, from the person
I know most in the world,

481
00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:46,269
and today, from this person
sitting on a trash can

482
00:19:46,436 --> 00:19:47,937
whom I know the least.

483
00:19:48,104 --> 00:19:50,273
But taking both into account,

484
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:52,233
the show is bad--
I don't know why--

485
00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:54,068
and I think it's your fault.

486
00:19:54,235 --> 00:19:56,195
I love you, too.

487
00:19:56,362 --> 00:19:57,739
Oh, you must be McCrary.

488
00:19:57,906 --> 00:19:59,449
- Oh, wow.
- How's your girlfriend?

489
00:19:59,616 --> 00:20:01,743
Good. Really good. Yeah,
she just got this new job,

490
00:20:01,910 --> 00:20:03,202
so she's a little emotional.

491
00:20:03,369 --> 00:20:04,471
- She misses me.
- Well, she's gonna be

492
00:20:04,495 --> 00:20:05,872
seeing a lot more of you now,

493
00:20:06,039 --> 00:20:07,391
'cause you're fired.
Could you see him out?

494
00:20:07,415 --> 00:20:09,042
Now, this is what's
gonna happen.

495
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:11,544
From this moment forth,
none of you has a life.

496
00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:14,213
You have no wives,
no girlfriends, no kids.

497
00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:15,757
You have only this.

498
00:20:15,924 --> 00:20:17,425
You live this show.

499
00:20:17,592 --> 00:20:19,052
You breathe this show.

500
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:21,888
When you masturbate,
you think about this show.

501
00:20:22,055 --> 00:20:23,866
You're finally going to earn
those big, fat paychecks

502
00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:25,683
that have been paying
for your divorces

503
00:20:25,850 --> 00:20:27,161
and gym memberships
you clearly never use.

504
00:20:27,185 --> 00:20:28,519
Think about
why the show is bad,

505
00:20:28,686 --> 00:20:30,188
and come up with ways
to fix it.

506
00:20:30,355 --> 00:20:32,941
And, Eight, sit on a chair
tomorrow, for God's sake!

507
00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:36,152
Okay.

508
00:20:36,319 --> 00:20:37,695
So...

509
00:20:37,862 --> 00:20:40,531
Can I take
the fired man's seat?

510
00:20:40,698 --> 00:20:42,283
We're all gonna be out of jobs.

511
00:20:42,450 --> 00:20:43,761
I'm gonna have to move
to Long Island City,

512
00:20:43,785 --> 00:20:45,161
probably sell all my clothes.

513
00:20:45,328 --> 00:20:47,222
- Don't be so dramatic.
- Oh, how would you know?

514
00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:48,526
You don't even have
nice clothes.

515
00:20:48,623 --> 00:20:50,041
Okay, it's not
all that surprising.

516
00:20:50,208 --> 00:20:51,602
Any of your friends talk
about the show anymore?

517
00:20:51,626 --> 00:20:52,895
No, it's a relic.
Okay? There's no buzz

518
00:20:52,919 --> 00:20:54,279
- about it at all.
- Hey.

519
00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:55,940
It's not a relic, okay?
She is an icon.

520
00:20:56,047 --> 00:20:57,274
I mean,
it would take them a month

521
00:20:57,298 --> 00:20:58,525
just to remove
all of her Emmys.

522
00:20:58,549 --> 00:20:59,926
Well, you know, who knows?

523
00:21:00,093 --> 00:21:01,487
Maybe Little Miss
Chemical Plant can help us.

524
00:21:01,511 --> 00:21:03,071
Please, don't even
joke about that.

525
00:21:03,179 --> 00:21:04,907
You know what, Reynolds?
Give me one of your Xanaxes.

526
00:21:04,931 --> 00:21:06,075
No, I need all my Xannies
now that I'm in the poorhouse.

527
00:21:06,099 --> 00:21:09,060
Molly Patel!
Molly Patel,

528
00:21:09,227 --> 00:21:12,063
- the quality control specialist.
- Oh, my God.

529
00:21:12,230 --> 00:21:14,524
Hobbies include
ruining our lives.

530
00:21:14,691 --> 00:21:17,026
I don't think she's worked
a day in television.

531
00:21:17,193 --> 00:21:18,879
You know, I think
she's a pathological liar.

532
00:21:18,903 --> 00:21:21,239
I wish I was a woman of color
so I could just get

533
00:21:21,406 --> 00:21:22,966
any job I want
with zero qualifications.

534
00:21:23,116 --> 00:21:25,076
We talked about this.
You can't say that.

535
00:21:27,954 --> 00:21:29,163
Hey, man.

536
00:21:29,330 --> 00:21:31,165
You remember, uh,
Molly from earlier?

537
00:21:31,332 --> 00:21:33,584
Yes. She told everyone
the show was bad.

538
00:21:33,751 --> 00:21:36,546
That's her. You'll be sharing
an office with her.

539
00:21:36,713 --> 00:21:38,715
Brad? Brad. Brad?

540
00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:43,011
This is nice. Who's that?

541
00:21:43,177 --> 00:21:44,737
That's the guy
whose desk you're taking.

542
00:21:44,887 --> 00:21:46,889
He was fired last week.

543
00:21:47,056 --> 00:21:49,475
He was my best friend.

544
00:21:59,402 --> 00:22:03,406
So...
you must be pretty new, too.

545
00:22:03,573 --> 00:22:05,033
You don't have any stuff.

546
00:22:06,242 --> 00:22:08,911
Oh, I-I've been here 27 years.

547
00:22:09,078 --> 00:22:11,914
In case I get fired, I don't
want to get too comfortable.

548
00:22:14,125 --> 00:22:17,170
So, are you gonna tell me
about your day?

549
00:22:17,336 --> 00:22:18,963
It was a bit like
trying to mount

550
00:22:19,130 --> 00:22:20,339
a prison production
of Hamlet.

551
00:22:20,506 --> 00:22:22,008
But at least prisoners
get sunlight

552
00:22:22,175 --> 00:22:24,552
and exercise once a day.

553
00:22:24,719 --> 00:22:26,512
That sounds very promising.

554
00:22:26,679 --> 00:22:28,681
You always worked best
with a captive audience.

555
00:22:31,392 --> 00:22:33,269
Right now it is
a hostile environment

556
00:22:33,436 --> 00:22:35,521
in which to be
an educated white male.

557
00:22:35,688 --> 00:22:38,191
I mean, it's staggering
how unfair it is, okay?

558
00:22:38,357 --> 00:22:40,526
Staggering.

559
00:22:40,693 --> 00:22:42,337
Yeah, they completely
overlooked my brother.

560
00:22:42,361 --> 00:22:43,780
All right.

561
00:22:43,946 --> 00:22:45,299
She's, like, a diversity hire
or something.

562
00:22:45,323 --> 00:22:46,616
Man, she'll be here 13 weeks.

563
00:22:46,783 --> 00:22:48,576
She's, like,
a single mom or something.

564
00:22:51,079 --> 00:22:52,330
Hey.

565
00:22:52,497 --> 00:22:53,998
I'm not a single mom,
by the way.

566
00:22:54,165 --> 00:22:55,249
I just look like one.

567
00:22:55,416 --> 00:22:56,876
And I guess I dress like one.

568
00:22:57,043 --> 00:22:59,337
No, I...
I-I wasn't talking about you.

569
00:22:59,504 --> 00:23:01,422
- Then who were you talking about?
- Uh, my...

570
00:23:01,589 --> 00:23:03,091
cleaning lady.

571
00:23:03,257 --> 00:23:04,967
Your brother lost a job
to your housekeeper?

572
00:23:06,010 --> 00:23:07,220
- Yep.
- Whatever.

573
00:23:07,386 --> 00:23:08,679
Just so you know,
I'd rather be

574
00:23:08,846 --> 00:23:10,282
a diversity hire
than a nepotism hire.

575
00:23:10,306 --> 00:23:11,849
'Cause at least
I had to beat out

576
00:23:12,016 --> 00:23:13,452
every minority and woman
to get here.

577
00:23:13,476 --> 00:23:17,021
You just had to be born.

578
00:23:17,188 --> 00:23:19,690
Hey, you know, one of my
grandparents was an immigrant.

579
00:23:19,857 --> 00:23:21,567
This documentary was insane.

580
00:23:21,734 --> 00:23:23,170
It said, basically,
we're all covered

581
00:23:23,194 --> 00:23:24,862
in, like, tiny bugs and...

582
00:23:25,029 --> 00:23:27,240
- Oh.
- No cupcakes today.

583
00:23:38,876 --> 00:23:41,170
So, Molly, what is your deal?

584
00:23:41,337 --> 00:23:44,298
Well, I am from central
Pennsylvania. I love to laugh.

585
00:23:44,465 --> 00:23:46,342
No, boring.
Like, what do you hate?

586
00:23:46,509 --> 00:23:48,803
What neighborhood do you
live in? Who are you fucking?

587
00:23:48,970 --> 00:23:51,639
Uh, I, uh... I hate injustice.

588
00:23:53,307 --> 00:23:55,518
I live with my aunt
and uncle in Queens.

589
00:23:55,685 --> 00:23:57,770
And I'm not sleeping
with anybody.

590
00:23:57,937 --> 00:23:59,998
- Where'd you go to school?
- Luzerne Community College.

591
00:24:00,022 --> 00:24:01,816
Loser Community College?

592
00:24:01,983 --> 00:24:04,128
- Luzerne. -Oh, 'cause it really
sounded like you said "loser."

593
00:24:04,152 --> 00:24:06,338
- Yeah, but why would I say that?
- Don't listen to them.

594
00:24:06,362 --> 00:24:08,442
I dropped out of high school
and worked at the docks.

595
00:24:08,531 --> 00:24:10,342
That's why I write
so many jokes about seagulls.

596
00:24:10,366 --> 00:24:12,410
So, what is the stage like?
I cannot wait to see it.

597
00:24:12,577 --> 00:24:14,471
We're not allowed on the stage.
Only Brad and Tom.

598
00:24:14,495 --> 00:24:16,122
Yeah,
I'm head monologue writer.

599
00:24:16,289 --> 00:24:18,583
You are? 'Cause you hadn't
mentioned it in ten minutes.

600
00:24:18,749 --> 00:24:19,959
I was worried.

601
00:24:20,126 --> 00:24:21,486
Wait, so you all write
on the show,

602
00:24:21,544 --> 00:24:23,129
and you've never been
to the stage?

603
00:24:24,172 --> 00:24:25,506
Okay. Okay.

604
00:24:25,673 --> 00:24:27,341
This is how it works.

605
00:24:27,508 --> 00:24:28,968
The writers are supposed

606
00:24:29,135 --> 00:24:31,304
- to get here at 10:00.
- Good morning.

607
00:24:31,470 --> 00:24:33,306
I usually get here at 9:00.

608
00:24:33,472 --> 00:24:35,016
Then we go into our offices
and read

609
00:24:35,183 --> 00:24:36,726
the newspaper headlines
for joke ideas.

610
00:24:36,893 --> 00:24:39,604
Some of us are a little more
focused than others.

611
00:24:39,770 --> 00:24:41,832
Then we submit our jokes to
Brad, who makes his selects.

612
00:24:41,856 --> 00:24:43,649
That's what makes it
in the show.

613
00:24:43,816 --> 00:24:45,335
- Here you go.
- I usually get some good stuff in there.

614
00:24:45,359 --> 00:24:46,736
Ah!

615
00:24:46,903 --> 00:24:48,213
Then we meet up
in the writers' room

616
00:24:48,237 --> 00:24:49,697
to go over Brad's selects.

617
00:24:49,864 --> 00:24:52,158
Oh, kiss my ass!

618
00:24:52,325 --> 00:24:54,118
Then at 6:30,
the show starts taping,

619
00:24:54,285 --> 00:24:55,494
and we all watch.

620
00:24:55,661 --> 00:24:58,414
And that is how we make
a TV show.

621
00:24:58,581 --> 00:25:01,751
So you never interact with her
once the entire day?

622
00:25:01,918 --> 00:25:04,212
Until yesterday, most of us
hadn't even met her.

623
00:25:06,214 --> 00:25:08,299
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

624
00:25:08,466 --> 00:25:09,693
I thought this was
the women's room.

625
00:25:09,717 --> 00:25:11,177
No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.

626
00:25:11,344 --> 00:25:12,779
You're right. It is...
it is the women's room.

627
00:25:12,803 --> 00:25:14,281
We just... we haven't had
a woman here

628
00:25:14,305 --> 00:25:17,016
in, like, ever,
so yeah, we use it.

629
00:25:17,183 --> 00:25:18,643
Doesn't Katherine mind?

630
00:25:18,809 --> 00:25:20,245
You kidding me?
No, she doesn't come in here.

631
00:25:20,269 --> 00:25:21,479
She has her own bathroom.

632
00:25:21,646 --> 00:25:23,648
We actually...
we-we come in here to...

633
00:25:23,814 --> 00:25:25,399
to take a shit.

634
00:25:25,566 --> 00:25:29,362
I don't understand anything
about this job.

635
00:25:29,528 --> 00:25:31,864
Well, you're right about
not being allowed on set.

636
00:25:32,031 --> 00:25:33,199
It's fucked up.

637
00:25:33,366 --> 00:25:34,951
So, why don't you say
something?

638
00:25:35,117 --> 00:25:37,119
Like,
"See Something, Say Something"?

639
00:25:37,286 --> 00:25:39,121
Because it's not
airport security, Molly.

640
00:25:39,288 --> 00:25:40,623
It's a TV show.

641
00:25:40,790 --> 00:25:45,127
And she's not the, uh,
classy role model

642
00:25:45,294 --> 00:25:47,755
you've been watching
on TV for 20 years.

643
00:25:50,424 --> 00:25:51,842
Hey, you know... you know what?

644
00:25:52,009 --> 00:25:53,970
I'm doing stand-up
tomorrow night, all right?

645
00:25:54,136 --> 00:25:55,513
Come see me.

646
00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:57,723
We'll get a drink after.

647
00:26:03,729 --> 00:26:05,009
Okay.
Let's get going, everybody.

648
00:26:05,106 --> 00:26:06,774
One, you're up.

649
00:26:06,941 --> 00:26:09,277
I have an idea entitled
"Hollywood Zoo."

650
00:26:09,443 --> 00:26:11,445
It's animals
that look like celebrities.

651
00:26:11,612 --> 00:26:14,699
- No. -And... or celebrities
that look like animals?

652
00:26:14,865 --> 00:26:16,659
Can I? Okay.

653
00:26:16,826 --> 00:26:19,245
"Shrimp My Ride."

654
00:26:20,454 --> 00:26:21,872
"Fancy Pelosi."

655
00:26:22,039 --> 00:26:24,625
"Celebrity Fitted-Sheet
Folding Challenge."

656
00:26:24,792 --> 00:26:26,168
Yeah, we worked
on that together.

657
00:26:26,335 --> 00:26:27,604
It's where we have you
and a celebrity race

658
00:26:27,628 --> 00:26:28,796
to fold a fitted sheet.

659
00:26:28,963 --> 00:26:30,798
You know what? Forget it.

660
00:26:30,965 --> 00:26:33,342
Can I just remind
everybody here

661
00:26:33,509 --> 00:26:36,929
that the stakes
could not be higher.

662
00:26:37,096 --> 00:26:38,597
- Two, go.
- Uh, okay.

663
00:26:38,764 --> 00:26:40,349
So, the Miss America pageant

664
00:26:40,516 --> 00:26:42,452
and the Westminster Dog Show
are both the same week.

665
00:26:42,476 --> 00:26:44,145
So I thought,
why not combine the two?

666
00:26:44,312 --> 00:26:45,914
We ask the girls
to run around in a circle,

667
00:26:45,938 --> 00:26:47,940
and we ask the dogs
their take on immigration.

668
00:26:48,107 --> 00:26:50,234
Oh, the Miss America pageant.

669
00:26:50,401 --> 00:26:52,504
The scholarship competition
where it's still appropriate

670
00:26:52,528 --> 00:26:54,113
to ask a beautiful teenager
from Tampa

671
00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:55,489
who can't afford college

672
00:26:55,656 --> 00:26:57,533
but who can afford
breast implants

673
00:26:57,700 --> 00:26:58,909
about world peace.

674
00:26:59,076 --> 00:26:59,869
No, we're not gonna be
doing that.

675
00:27:00,036 --> 00:27:01,036
Where's John Phillips?

676
00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:01,871
I want to hear his pitches.

677
00:27:02,038 --> 00:27:04,582
- Um...
- Um...

678
00:27:06,042 --> 00:27:07,043
What?

679
00:27:07,209 --> 00:27:10,629
Uh, John died in 2012.

680
00:27:10,796 --> 00:27:12,256
John's dead?
Are you kidding me?

681
00:27:12,423 --> 00:27:14,967
About the death
of our coworker? No.

682
00:27:15,134 --> 00:27:16,510
Oh, that's terrible.

683
00:27:16,677 --> 00:27:18,929
- He was so funny.
- Yeah.

684
00:27:19,096 --> 00:27:20,806
Eight, what?

685
00:27:20,973 --> 00:27:23,225
First of all,
I'm very sorry for your loss.

686
00:27:23,392 --> 00:27:24,977
He sounded like
an incredible person.

687
00:27:25,144 --> 00:27:27,355
Second, I'm really honored

688
00:27:27,521 --> 00:27:29,398
to be presenting my ideas
here today.

689
00:27:29,565 --> 00:27:31,442
Oh, God, I wish I was
John Phillips.

690
00:27:31,609 --> 00:27:33,319
So, I thought I would
take a step back

691
00:27:33,486 --> 00:27:35,071
and see what wasn't working.

692
00:27:35,237 --> 00:27:36,947
This is what I do
at quality control

693
00:27:37,114 --> 00:27:39,343
at the chemical plant, and I
thought I would do that here.

694
00:27:39,367 --> 00:27:42,661
The headline of my analysis
is "Complacency."

695
00:27:42,828 --> 00:27:45,331
And I noticed that there's
three major areas

696
00:27:45,498 --> 00:27:47,138
where there could be
a lot of improvement.

697
00:27:47,291 --> 00:27:49,251
The first is your
overall unwillingness to do

698
00:27:49,418 --> 00:27:51,271
high-concept recurring bits--
you know, where you have to

699
00:27:51,295 --> 00:27:52,922
physically leave the studio.

700
00:27:53,089 --> 00:27:55,209
Those are the ones that can
go viral if executed well.

701
00:27:55,299 --> 00:27:59,095
The second is your total lack
of presence on social media.

702
00:27:59,261 --> 00:28:01,501
You seem to have contempt
for it, which feels ill-advised

703
00:28:01,639 --> 00:28:04,100
because most of your audience
is watching on their phones.

704
00:28:04,266 --> 00:28:06,227
The third:
I think people get very excited

705
00:28:06,394 --> 00:28:08,020
when you share your beliefs.

706
00:28:08,187 --> 00:28:10,165
So, what you just said
about the Miss America pageant,

707
00:28:10,189 --> 00:28:11,649
that was awesome.

708
00:28:11,816 --> 00:28:13,651
When you reveal those kind
of strong opinions,

709
00:28:13,818 --> 00:28:15,820
it's when you really
come alive as a performer.

710
00:28:15,986 --> 00:28:18,322
That's when I come alive
as a performer?

711
00:28:18,489 --> 00:28:20,116
- Yeah.
- Can I see that?

712
00:28:20,282 --> 00:28:22,201
Absolutely.

713
00:28:23,953 --> 00:28:25,704
I just want to say,
I'm no longer attached

714
00:28:25,871 --> 00:28:27,373
to this idea
in any shape or form.

715
00:28:27,540 --> 00:28:29,792
Thank you so much.

716
00:28:34,046 --> 00:28:35,756
Mm-hmm.

717
00:28:35,923 --> 00:28:38,926
So, what's the solution?

718
00:28:39,093 --> 00:28:41,137
Oh, I don't have one.

719
00:28:41,303 --> 00:28:43,722
Just to be clear, you don't
have any new ideas or jokes?

720
00:28:43,889 --> 00:28:45,766
No.

721
00:28:45,933 --> 00:28:47,643
Okay,
I've been doing this job

722
00:28:47,810 --> 00:28:49,413
for nearly 30 years,
and I know what works.

723
00:28:49,437 --> 00:28:51,188
And I'll tell you
what doesn't work:

724
00:28:51,355 --> 00:28:53,375
an absurdly confident newcomer
coming in, criticizing my show

725
00:28:53,399 --> 00:28:56,527
and giving me her assessment
of my comic persona

726
00:28:56,694 --> 00:28:59,447
without doing the hard work of
presenting me with solutions.

727
00:28:59,613 --> 00:29:01,490
This-this room is a ship.

728
00:29:01,657 --> 00:29:03,159
I am the captain,
and you have barely

729
00:29:03,325 --> 00:29:04,702
earned the right to be an oar.

730
00:29:04,869 --> 00:29:07,913
Do I make myself clear, Eight?

731
00:29:09,081 --> 00:29:11,625
I have not changed.

732
00:29:11,792 --> 00:29:13,687
The audience has changed.
They don't want smart comedy.

733
00:29:13,711 --> 00:29:15,546
They want Kevin Hart
on a Slip 'N Slide,

734
00:29:15,713 --> 00:29:17,233
so let's just give them
what they want.

735
00:29:17,381 --> 00:29:19,383
Who's the most tacky
famous person out there?

736
00:29:19,550 --> 00:29:20,926
Reality star?

737
00:29:21,093 --> 00:29:22,779
No, a YouTube celebrity.
There was one at the club

738
00:29:22,803 --> 00:29:24,513
I was at last night,
and I got trampled.

739
00:29:24,680 --> 00:29:26,366
It was the most glamorous thing
that's ever happened to me

740
00:29:26,390 --> 00:29:27,784
- in my entire life.
- What?

741
00:29:27,808 --> 00:29:29,244
Wait. Come on,
we're-we're not really

742
00:29:29,268 --> 00:29:30,370
considering doing this,
though, right?

743
00:29:30,394 --> 00:29:31,854
- Mimi Mismatch.
- Who?

744
00:29:32,021 --> 00:29:33,781
She is a YouTube star
who does comic sketches

745
00:29:33,898 --> 00:29:35,399
in the basement
of her parents' house.

746
00:29:35,566 --> 00:29:37,109
- Oh, my God.
- Uh, uh, she has

747
00:29:37,276 --> 00:29:38,796
- 25 million Twitter followers.
- Okay.

748
00:29:38,861 --> 00:29:40,661
My daughters are obsessed
with her. She, um...

749
00:29:40,779 --> 00:29:42,615
Just book her,
book her, book her.

750
00:29:53,959 --> 00:29:56,003
Sorry.

751
00:29:58,923 --> 00:30:00,841
I really got to go.

752
00:30:01,008 --> 00:30:02,885
- Oh, God.
- I'm sorry. Yeah.

753
00:30:03,052 --> 00:30:05,429
- Or I can... you can...
- I... Okay, okay.

754
00:30:05,596 --> 00:30:07,389
Okay.

755
00:30:12,061 --> 00:30:14,021
Oh, my God.

756
00:30:16,774 --> 00:30:19,026
Okay.

757
00:30:21,320 --> 00:30:23,280
This has to stop.

758
00:30:26,242 --> 00:30:28,244
I don't know.

759
00:30:28,410 --> 00:30:30,871
Maybe I should just move
back to Pennsylvania.

760
00:30:31,038 --> 00:30:33,123
Can I give you some advice?

761
00:30:33,290 --> 00:30:34,833
You need to shut the fuck up.

762
00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:36,418
Excuse me?

763
00:30:36,585 --> 00:30:38,546
If you hear something
you don't agree with,

764
00:30:38,712 --> 00:30:41,215
you have to resist the urge
to give your opinion.

765
00:30:41,382 --> 00:30:42,841
I will not be marginalized

766
00:30:43,008 --> 00:30:44,969
by the iron fist
of white privilege

767
00:30:45,135 --> 00:30:47,012
that pervades
this work environment.

768
00:30:47,179 --> 00:30:49,932
I am not trying to silence
your strong female Indian

769
00:30:50,099 --> 00:30:52,560
woman of color spirit,
hashtag MeToo,

770
00:30:52,726 --> 00:30:54,186
TransIsBeautiful,
blah, blah, blah.

771
00:30:54,353 --> 00:30:57,064
You're still a new writer
with no experience.

772
00:30:57,231 --> 00:31:00,526
You need to stop giving advice
and write something.

773
00:31:00,693 --> 00:31:02,486
You're a writer, so write.

774
00:31:02,653 --> 00:31:04,238
Okay.

775
00:31:04,405 --> 00:31:05,948
Come on.
You get more work done

776
00:31:06,115 --> 00:31:07,700
on top of the desk
than under it.

777
00:31:07,866 --> 00:31:10,703
- It's gonna be all right.
- Thank you.

778
00:31:10,869 --> 00:31:13,080
...because of a coyote warning.

779
00:31:13,247 --> 00:31:15,047
Not to worry, though--
they managed to get out

780
00:31:15,165 --> 00:31:17,626
in the nick of time.
Beep, beep.

781
00:31:17,793 --> 00:31:20,045
I don't...
I don't understand that.

782
00:31:20,212 --> 00:31:22,274
Meep, meep. Meep, meep.

783
00:31:22,298 --> 00:31:23,757
Burditt, what are they doing?

784
00:31:23,924 --> 00:31:25,467
They're practicing
the monologue.

785
00:31:25,634 --> 00:31:27,279
- It's the Road Runner thing.
- Oh, the Road Runner.

786
00:31:27,303 --> 00:31:29,223
- What, the enemy of
Wile E. Coyote? -Meep, meep.

787
00:31:29,346 --> 00:31:30,848
Yeah, exactly.

788
00:31:31,015 --> 00:31:32,826
Today, while President Bush

789
00:31:32,850 --> 00:31:35,644
underwent a medical procedure,
Vice President Dick Cheney

790
00:31:35,811 --> 00:31:37,771
was acting president
for two hours and 15 minutes,

791
00:31:37,896 --> 00:31:40,816
which is longer than any woman.

792
00:31:40,983 --> 00:31:43,193
That's it. That's the joke.

793
00:31:52,703 --> 00:31:54,431
Okay, so I think we're good
for the monologue

794
00:31:54,455 --> 00:31:55,775
unless I'm, uh,
missing something.

795
00:31:55,873 --> 00:31:57,333
I have some jokes
for the monologue.

796
00:31:58,751 --> 00:32:00,878
Uh, well, you don't write
the monologue.

797
00:32:01,045 --> 00:32:02,588
Yeah, but I wrote
some jokes for it.

798
00:32:02,755 --> 00:32:03,773
And I have some ideas
for Katherine's hair,

799
00:32:03,797 --> 00:32:04,632
but that's not my job.

800
00:32:04,798 --> 00:32:06,300
Seven, shut up.

801
00:32:06,467 --> 00:32:08,135
Eight, for God's sake, go.

802
00:32:09,720 --> 00:32:12,014
I shouldn't do this
in an English accent, should I?

803
00:32:12,181 --> 00:32:13,807
No.

804
00:32:13,974 --> 00:32:16,018
Three Republican senators
are proposing a bill

805
00:32:16,185 --> 00:32:17,936
to yet again defund
Planned Parenthood.

806
00:32:18,103 --> 00:32:20,689
As always, the men most
obsessed with women's sex lives

807
00:32:20,856 --> 00:32:22,256
are the ones getting laid
the least.

808
00:32:22,399 --> 00:32:23,918
I never thought I'd say this,

809
00:32:23,942 --> 00:32:25,503
but thank God I'm going
through menopause.

810
00:32:25,527 --> 00:32:27,279
Good Lord, Eight.

811
00:32:27,446 --> 00:32:29,286
Well, you're the only
late-night talk-show host

812
00:32:29,406 --> 00:32:30,574
who can make that joke.

813
00:32:30,741 --> 00:32:31,885
Plus, you're pro-choice,
aren't you?

814
00:32:31,909 --> 00:32:33,577
I am. What do you think, Seven?

815
00:32:33,744 --> 00:32:35,597
My philosophy is that the show
is generally better

816
00:32:35,621 --> 00:32:37,057
without the specter
of abortion in it.

817
00:32:37,081 --> 00:32:38,281
But, you know, that's just me.

818
00:32:38,332 --> 00:32:40,125
I think it's audacious.

819
00:32:40,292 --> 00:32:42,920
Do... do people really want
to hear about menopause?

820
00:32:43,087 --> 00:32:44,380
'Cause I-I don't.

821
00:32:44,546 --> 00:32:45,826
I don't know,
I kind of liked it.

822
00:32:45,923 --> 00:32:47,508
No, no, it is too political.

823
00:32:47,675 --> 00:32:49,802
- We don't do that.
- We haven't done that in a while.

824
00:32:49,968 --> 00:32:51,288
Okay, so we'll start
with fracking

825
00:32:51,345 --> 00:32:53,055
and we work our way up
to abortion.

826
00:32:53,222 --> 00:32:55,766
People would talk about it,
for sure. And you believe it.

827
00:32:56,809 --> 00:32:58,227
It's a bit long.

828
00:32:58,394 --> 00:33:00,979
Trim it and put it
in the monologue.

829
00:33:02,231 --> 00:33:03,482
Okay.

830
00:33:03,649 --> 00:33:05,859
...to Vegas,

831
00:33:06,026 --> 00:33:07,319
40 tourists were...

832
00:33:07,486 --> 00:33:09,113
Listen, you've written
it out with 40.

833
00:33:09,279 --> 00:33:10,489
No, not make it bigger.

834
00:33:10,656 --> 00:33:12,376
- Make it wide...
- That's got to be a word.

835
00:33:12,491 --> 00:33:14,291
- Yeah.
- Okay, but don't change it now.

836
00:33:14,326 --> 00:33:15,661
There's no point. Okay.

837
00:33:15,828 --> 00:33:17,388
Today, in Las Vegas,
40 tourists were...

838
00:33:17,413 --> 00:33:18,773
Burditt,
I'm going to the bathroom.

839
00:33:18,872 --> 00:33:21,083
You never have to tell me that.

840
00:33:33,804 --> 00:33:36,390
"I have spread my dreams
under your feet.

841
00:33:36,557 --> 00:33:39,935
Tread softly because
you tread on my dreams."

842
00:33:40,102 --> 00:33:41,979
Is that William Butler Yeats?

843
00:33:42,146 --> 00:33:44,148
Oh.

844
00:33:44,314 --> 00:33:46,692
- Uh, yeah, it is.
- You're not supposed to be here.

845
00:33:46,859 --> 00:33:49,987
What?

846
00:33:50,154 --> 00:33:51,613
All right.

847
00:33:59,371 --> 00:34:00,914
Mimi Mismatch is here.

848
00:34:01,081 --> 00:34:02,708
I got a selfie.

849
00:34:02,875 --> 00:34:05,085
Maybe now my daughters
will start talking to me again.

850
00:34:05,252 --> 00:34:07,755
So, you're doing
the Planned Parenthood joke?

851
00:34:07,921 --> 00:34:10,424
- Mm-hmm.
- Be careful of showing who you are.

852
00:34:10,591 --> 00:34:12,217
Once you turn that switch on,

853
00:34:12,384 --> 00:34:14,094
you can never
turn it off again.

854
00:34:21,685 --> 00:34:24,438
Katherine Newbury.

855
00:34:24,605 --> 00:34:26,231
Yeah.

856
00:34:26,398 --> 00:34:29,860
And I have not seen anyone
so poorly received

857
00:34:30,027 --> 00:34:31,463
since I took
a peanut butter sandwich

858
00:34:31,487 --> 00:34:32,613
into an elementary school.

859
00:34:37,326 --> 00:34:39,912
It was announced today
Starbucks will no longer

860
00:34:40,078 --> 00:34:41,997
be requiring a purchase
to use their restrooms.

861
00:34:42,164 --> 00:34:44,875
Oh, no. I'm worried
they might get disgusting.

862
00:34:46,293 --> 00:34:47,544
My joke's next.

863
00:34:47,711 --> 00:34:48,796
Yeah.

864
00:34:55,511 --> 00:34:58,305
So, there's an owl that's been
dive-bombing tourists

865
00:34:58,472 --> 00:35:00,057
- in Times Square.
- She skipped it.

866
00:35:00,224 --> 00:35:01,600
Very dramatic.

867
00:35:01,767 --> 00:35:03,407
Not the only species
angry about the price

868
00:35:03,477 --> 00:35:07,105
of Hamilton tickets, I see.

869
00:35:09,441 --> 00:35:10,859
We're back. I'm excited.

870
00:35:11,026 --> 00:35:13,987
I'm here with YouTube
phenomenon Mimi Mismatch.

871
00:35:19,660 --> 00:35:22,663
And the bit that launched you
into superstardom, really,

872
00:35:22,830 --> 00:35:26,166
was you with your dog...
Lenny. Here he is.

873
00:35:26,333 --> 00:35:28,836
And you sniffing his butt,
sniffing Lenny's butt,

874
00:35:29,002 --> 00:35:31,463
and you pretend to faint.

875
00:35:33,924 --> 00:35:36,343
Because it smelled real bad.
Yeah.

876
00:35:36,510 --> 00:35:40,305
And, um, how on earth
did you come up with that?

877
00:35:40,472 --> 00:35:42,641
My dog Lenny had colitis

878
00:35:42,808 --> 00:35:46,395
and, for a while,
had a real smelly butt.

879
00:35:46,562 --> 00:35:49,356
So I took my life,
and I filmed it,

880
00:35:49,523 --> 00:35:52,734
because I find that the
best comedy comes from truth.

881
00:35:52,901 --> 00:35:54,236
How wise.

882
00:35:54,403 --> 00:35:56,613
And these little videos
of yours

883
00:35:56,780 --> 00:35:59,283
are your, as it were,
contribution to the world?

884
00:35:59,449 --> 00:36:02,619
Your way of pushing
mankind forward?

885
00:36:02,786 --> 00:36:04,413
Well, they're fun.

886
00:36:04,580 --> 00:36:07,749
What would you say
was your calling?

887
00:36:07,916 --> 00:36:09,626
My calling?

888
00:36:09,793 --> 00:36:11,873
Yes, I mean, what is it
you're most passionate about?

889
00:36:11,962 --> 00:36:14,798
Is it dog butt videos,
or would you ever expand

890
00:36:14,965 --> 00:36:17,593
into... cat butt videos, say?

891
00:36:20,304 --> 00:36:21,889
I know what you're doing.

892
00:36:22,055 --> 00:36:23,932
- Excuse me?
- You're mocking me.

893
00:36:24,099 --> 00:36:27,019
You think that because
my videos are light and silly

894
00:36:27,185 --> 00:36:29,605
that I'm somehow
intellectually inferior to you?

895
00:36:29,771 --> 00:36:31,857
The only reason that I said yes
to this talk show

896
00:36:32,024 --> 00:36:34,443
is because my mom said
you were smart.

897
00:36:34,610 --> 00:36:36,987
But now I see that you are just
a bitter, out of touch,

898
00:36:37,154 --> 00:36:39,074
- old lady who's mean
to people she's... -Go, go.

899
00:36:39,114 --> 00:36:40,800
- ...never even met before.
- Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

900
00:36:40,824 --> 00:36:42,343
- -And the fact
of the matter is...

901
00:36:42,367 --> 00:36:44,167
is that you need me,
not the other way around.

902
00:36:44,244 --> 00:36:45,078
Bye.

903
00:36:48,665 --> 00:36:50,584
Uh, I don't know.

904
00:36:50,751 --> 00:36:52,628
- I'm sorry about that.
- Did you not prep her?

905
00:36:54,838 --> 00:36:56,381
- Who here is good at sex?
- Yeah!

906
00:36:56,548 --> 00:36:58,151
Oh, all right, okay.

907
00:36:58,175 --> 00:37:00,093
Now, I think

908
00:37:00,260 --> 00:37:02,220
that we're all about the same.

909
00:37:02,387 --> 00:37:05,974
All right? 'Cause the truth is
there are like ten sex acts.

910
00:37:06,141 --> 00:37:08,518
And-and if you're... if you're
an average American guy,

911
00:37:08,685 --> 00:37:10,604
you only need to do
the first five.

912
00:37:10,771 --> 00:37:12,147
That thought is

913
00:37:12,314 --> 00:37:13,914
entering your head:
"I'm gonna go to six.

914
00:37:13,982 --> 00:37:15,233
I'm going..."
Especially you.

915
00:37:15,400 --> 00:37:17,653
Do not go to six.

916
00:37:17,819 --> 00:37:21,865
'Cause everybody's number six
is different.

917
00:37:22,032 --> 00:37:23,158
What was your favorite part?

918
00:37:23,325 --> 00:37:24,660
You assumed I had one?

919
00:37:24,826 --> 00:37:26,787
Yeah. I was watching you,
and you liked it.

920
00:37:26,954 --> 00:37:28,205
I did like it.

921
00:37:28,372 --> 00:37:30,415
I-I like how relaxed you are.

922
00:37:30,582 --> 00:37:32,501
Like you're not doing it
for them.

923
00:37:32,668 --> 00:37:34,086
You know,
you're doing it for you.

924
00:37:34,252 --> 00:37:36,380
I've never been relaxed
a day in my life.

925
00:37:36,546 --> 00:37:38,131
No, I know,
you're the hardest worker

926
00:37:38,298 --> 00:37:39,800
I've ever met, besides Tom.

927
00:37:39,967 --> 00:37:42,010
Which is probably why
he's so threatened by you.

928
00:37:42,177 --> 00:37:43,905
Well, he shouldn't be.
Katherine cut my joke.

929
00:37:43,929 --> 00:37:46,139
It was so embarrassing.
I told my mom to watch.

930
00:37:46,306 --> 00:37:48,266
Oh, God.
Oh, no, no, no, no.

931
00:37:48,433 --> 00:37:50,310
Never tell your parents
to watch the show.

932
00:37:50,477 --> 00:37:53,063
That's like guaranteeing
that they cut your joke.

933
00:37:53,230 --> 00:37:56,024
Also, um, get ready for this.

934
00:37:56,191 --> 00:37:58,860
Like, you'll spend all day
writing 50 jokes,

935
00:37:59,027 --> 00:38:02,155
and they'll cut all of them,
and you will have achieved

936
00:38:02,322 --> 00:38:06,159
as much as if you just stayed
at home and called in sick.

937
00:38:06,326 --> 00:38:07,536
Okay.

938
00:38:07,703 --> 00:38:09,621
- So let me get this straight.
- Mm-hmm.

939
00:38:09,788 --> 00:38:11,581
- Never use the women's restroom.
- Mm-hmm.

940
00:38:11,748 --> 00:38:13,388
Never tell your parents
to watch the show.

941
00:38:13,458 --> 00:38:15,043
- Mm-hmm.
- Don't decorate your office.

942
00:38:15,210 --> 00:38:16,771
And be fine being completely obsolete.

943
00:38:16,795 --> 00:38:18,880
So just don't enjoy your job.

944
00:38:19,047 --> 00:38:22,300
- Uh, exactly. Yeah.
- Oh.

945
00:38:22,467 --> 00:38:24,469
Oh, Tom tells me
you do stand-up.

946
00:38:24,636 --> 00:38:26,138
- Are you good?
- Oh, no.

947
00:38:26,304 --> 00:38:28,557
No, it's just a way for me
to test out material.

948
00:38:28,724 --> 00:38:30,142
I am emceeing a show soon.

949
00:38:30,308 --> 00:38:32,477
It's a benefit for lung cancer.

950
00:38:32,644 --> 00:38:34,646
That's random.

951
00:38:34,813 --> 00:38:37,399
Not really.
My dad died from it.

952
00:38:37,566 --> 00:38:39,192
Oh, fuck.

953
00:38:39,359 --> 00:38:41,069
Uh, were you close?

954
00:38:41,236 --> 00:38:42,404
- With my father?
- Well...

955
00:38:42,571 --> 00:38:43,771
Yeah, I was. I was.

956
00:38:43,905 --> 00:38:45,385
- Now I feel I bad.
- Fuck. I'm sorry.

957
00:38:45,532 --> 00:38:46,634
- I'm sorry.
- No, I'm sorry.

958
00:38:46,658 --> 00:38:49,077
Do you need a-a good-looking,

959
00:38:49,244 --> 00:38:52,456
moderately funny stand-up
to-to close out the night?

960
00:38:52,622 --> 00:38:54,499
- Wait, really?
- Do you know any?

961
00:38:54,666 --> 00:38:56,460
That would be amazing.

962
00:38:56,626 --> 00:38:58,253
Why would you do that for me?

963
00:38:58,420 --> 00:38:59,546
Because I'm a nice guy.

964
00:38:59,713 --> 00:39:01,256
Okay, I know you're not.

965
00:39:01,423 --> 00:39:03,425
Look, I know what everyone
thinks of me.

966
00:39:03,592 --> 00:39:05,844
But just because I was
lucky enough to get this job

967
00:39:06,011 --> 00:39:07,651
doesn't mean I'm stupid enough
to lose it.

968
00:39:07,721 --> 00:39:09,473
So, if you think
you can sleep with me

969
00:39:09,639 --> 00:39:10,839
'cause you're not gonna see me

970
00:39:10,974 --> 00:39:12,326
after three months,
you're mistaken.

971
00:39:12,350 --> 00:39:15,145
Who said anything
about sleeping together?

972
00:39:19,608 --> 00:39:21,151
- ♪ Oh, my, my, my... ♪
- Okay.

973
00:39:21,318 --> 00:39:22,438
Thank you.
I had a nice time.

974
00:39:22,569 --> 00:39:23,737
"Thank you"?
Wait, whoa, whoa.

975
00:39:23,904 --> 00:39:24,922
Wait, wait.
Where are you going?

976
00:39:24,946 --> 00:39:26,031
Come over.

977
00:39:26,198 --> 00:39:27,616
Oh. No.

978
00:39:27,783 --> 00:39:29,159
No. Thank you. Thank you.

979
00:39:29,326 --> 00:39:30,726
I just don't think
it's a good idea.

980
00:39:30,827 --> 00:39:32,788
Uh, yeah, no, sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

981
00:39:32,954 --> 00:39:33,997
We-we can do this dance.

982
00:39:34,164 --> 00:39:35,832
- Dance?
- Yeah.

983
00:39:35,999 --> 00:39:38,293
You won't sleep with me now,
but you will in three weeks.

984
00:39:38,460 --> 00:39:40,170
That's... I get it.
It's a feminist thing.

985
00:39:40,337 --> 00:39:41,421
Are you kidding?

986
00:39:41,588 --> 00:39:43,090
Has this ever worked before?

987
00:39:46,551 --> 00:39:47,928
Oh, no.

988
00:39:48,095 --> 00:39:49,387
What?

989
00:39:49,554 --> 00:39:52,140
The Mimi interview
went viral in a bad way.

990
00:39:56,645 --> 00:39:58,980
You are just a bitter,
out of touch, old lady

991
00:39:59,147 --> 00:40:02,442
who's mean to people she's
never even met before, and...

992
00:40:07,948 --> 00:40:11,201
The Mimi thing will blow over.

993
00:40:11,368 --> 00:40:13,370
Am I like
your least favorite aunt?

994
00:40:13,537 --> 00:40:15,580
All my aunts are dead.

995
00:40:18,291 --> 00:40:20,669
I need a publicist.

996
00:40:20,836 --> 00:40:23,296
Making you accessible
to the average American--

997
00:40:23,463 --> 00:40:24,464
that's what I do best.

998
00:40:24,631 --> 00:40:25,871
I told Leo, "You want an Oscar?

999
00:40:25,966 --> 00:40:27,134
Fight a bear."

1000
00:40:27,300 --> 00:40:28,700
You're not above
the American public

1001
00:40:28,802 --> 00:40:30,971
or looking down at them.
You are one of them.

1002
00:40:31,138 --> 00:40:32,990
You're America's sweetheart, baby.

1003
00:40:33,014 --> 00:40:35,076
But you got to put in face time
with these journalists,

1004
00:40:35,100 --> 00:40:36,577
because they don't want to talk
to me, and they certainly

1005
00:40:36,601 --> 00:40:37,394
don't want to talk to Brad.
No offense.

1006
00:40:37,561 --> 00:40:38,770
Yeah, no, no. None taken.

1007
00:40:38,937 --> 00:40:40,248
I've been told
I have no charisma.

1008
00:40:40,272 --> 00:40:42,649
Exactly.
So, what if we threw a party

1009
00:40:42,816 --> 00:40:44,651
at your house
and invited the press?

1010
00:40:44,818 --> 00:40:46,653
They could see you
in your element.

1011
00:40:46,820 --> 00:40:49,281
You are not some cold witch
who hates children.

1012
00:40:49,447 --> 00:40:51,950
You're cozy and domestic.

1013
00:40:52,117 --> 00:40:53,719
- I don't entertain.
- You're an entertainer.

1014
00:40:53,743 --> 00:40:55,513
- I'm bad at small talk.
- You're a talk-show host.

1015
00:40:55,537 --> 00:40:57,640
- I'm not a people person.
- Oh, honey, that's ridiculous.

1016
00:40:57,664 --> 00:40:59,207
If you want to turn
this ship around,

1017
00:40:59,374 --> 00:41:00,625
you're gonna have to be.

1018
00:41:00,792 --> 00:41:02,794
How do you feel
about extensions?

1019
00:41:07,424 --> 00:41:10,468
Holy shit, honey.

1020
00:41:12,345 --> 00:41:15,223
Oh, what am I doing here?

1021
00:41:15,390 --> 00:41:17,309
That's right. What's up, baby?

1022
00:41:17,475 --> 00:41:18,786
- Yes. Blah...
- Hey, Daniel.

1023
00:41:18,810 --> 00:41:20,312
Daniel, you're funny, man.

1024
00:41:20,478 --> 00:41:22,522
Is that, um,
that comedian, Daniel...

1025
00:41:22,689 --> 00:41:24,441
- Daniel Tennant.
- Hmm.

1026
00:41:24,608 --> 00:41:27,194
Billy Kastner's done
amazing things with his career.

1027
00:41:27,360 --> 00:41:28,486
"You're welcome, America."

1028
00:41:28,653 --> 00:41:29,905
Oh.

1029
00:41:30,071 --> 00:41:31,431
We're gonna get you
some face time.

1030
00:41:31,573 --> 00:41:33,742
You got to just,
you know, be cool about it.

1031
00:41:38,830 --> 00:41:40,081
Steve Martin gave it to her.

1032
00:41:40,248 --> 00:41:41,583
Costs more than my apartment.

1033
00:41:41,750 --> 00:41:44,085
It's so beautiful.

1034
00:41:44,252 --> 00:41:45,462
Mm.

1035
00:41:45,629 --> 00:41:46,880
Is that a tag?

1036
00:41:47,047 --> 00:41:48,423
Hmm? No.

1037
00:41:48,590 --> 00:41:50,717
- Well...
- Oh, God.

1038
00:41:50,884 --> 00:41:52,427
Fuck.

1039
00:41:52,594 --> 00:41:54,262
Um, what are you doing
after this?

1040
00:41:55,555 --> 00:41:57,098
I don't know.

1041
00:41:57,265 --> 00:41:59,059
But I w-will keep you posted.

1042
00:42:03,396 --> 00:42:04,814
- Hello.
- Oh, God.

1043
00:42:04,981 --> 00:42:07,025
- I thought you could use this.
- Oh, I could.

1044
00:42:08,735 --> 00:42:12,280
I have never fake-smiled
so much in my life.

1045
00:42:12,447 --> 00:42:14,574
- Is it obvious?
- Very. Yeah.

1046
00:42:14,741 --> 00:42:16,910
It's-it's the same smile
you had

1047
00:42:17,077 --> 00:42:18,870
when you lost your first Emmy
to John Oliver.

1048
00:42:20,497 --> 00:42:22,016
- Thank you so much for reminding me.
- Yeah.

1049
00:42:22,040 --> 00:42:23,684
- Have you got a cigarette?
- Yeah.

1050
00:42:23,708 --> 00:42:26,336
I was... yeah, I was
wondering if I'd get a...

1051
00:42:26,503 --> 00:42:28,880
- a chance to talk to you alone.
- Stop it, Charlie.

1052
00:42:29,047 --> 00:42:31,549
It was a mistake,
and it'll never happen again.

1053
00:42:33,760 --> 00:42:36,179
And that's how I got involved
in that charity.

1054
00:42:36,346 --> 00:42:38,515
I'm gonna go talk
to some other people.

1055
00:42:40,016 --> 00:42:41,977
- Oh! -Oh, God.
- Oh, shit.

1056
00:42:42,143 --> 00:42:44,771
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, I just got this blazer.

1057
00:42:44,938 --> 00:42:46,648
I need it for "Lampoon" hazing
next week.

1058
00:42:46,815 --> 00:42:48,233
Hayes, remember Molly?

1059
00:42:48,400 --> 00:42:51,278
Yes. Hey, I'm so happy
that you got that job.

1060
00:42:51,444 --> 00:42:52,696
It's really cool they did that.

1061
00:42:52,862 --> 00:42:53,863
- It's important.
- Yeah.

1062
00:42:54,030 --> 00:42:55,699
Yeah, I think it's important

1063
00:42:55,865 --> 00:42:58,868
that they hire the funniest,
most qualified people, too.

1064
00:43:22,517 --> 00:43:24,394
Damn it.

1065
00:43:29,274 --> 00:43:30,942
Can I help you?

1066
00:43:31,109 --> 00:43:33,278
Uh, sorry, I just thought
this was an empty room.

1067
00:43:33,445 --> 00:43:35,113
Why were you looking
for an empty room?

1068
00:43:35,280 --> 00:43:38,491
Uh, just to be alone
for a minute.

1069
00:43:38,658 --> 00:43:40,368
Not to steal anything.

1070
00:43:40,535 --> 00:43:43,371
Uh, although you have a lot
of really nice stuff in here.

1071
00:43:43,538 --> 00:43:45,832
I'm not a thief, though.
My name is Molly.

1072
00:43:45,999 --> 00:43:47,876
Hello, Molly,
who's not a thief.

1073
00:43:48,043 --> 00:43:50,420
I know who you are, by the way.

1074
00:43:50,587 --> 00:43:52,422
You're Walter Lovell.

1075
00:43:52,589 --> 00:43:55,425
It's such an honor to meet you.
You were one of the greats.

1076
00:43:55,592 --> 00:43:56,926
"Were." Jesus Christ.

1077
00:43:57,093 --> 00:43:58,428
Oh, no, no.

1078
00:43:58,595 --> 00:44:01,139
No, I mean, you're still
amazing.

1079
00:44:01,306 --> 00:44:03,892
I mean, aren't you
a professor emeritus at NYU?

1080
00:44:04,059 --> 00:44:05,286
"Emeritus" is what
they call you

1081
00:44:05,310 --> 00:44:06,561
when you're not dead yet

1082
00:44:06,728 --> 00:44:08,229
but they don't want you
to come in.

1083
00:44:09,731 --> 00:44:11,566
I actually know
what that's like.

1084
00:44:11,733 --> 00:44:12,984
I write on the show.

1085
00:44:13,151 --> 00:44:14,611
Your wife doesn't like me
very much.

1086
00:44:14,778 --> 00:44:16,529
- Mm.
- Why aren't you downstairs

1087
00:44:16,696 --> 00:44:18,114
with the rest of the party?

1088
00:44:18,281 --> 00:44:20,116
I think people have
a better time

1089
00:44:20,283 --> 00:44:23,244
when they don't have to pretend
they don't notice me twitching.

1090
00:44:23,411 --> 00:44:24,829
It's called neuropathy.

1091
00:44:24,996 --> 00:44:27,707
One of the symptoms
of Parkinson's disease.

1092
00:44:27,874 --> 00:44:29,125
A piece of advice:

1093
00:44:29,292 --> 00:44:31,252
don't marry a man
until he gives you

1094
00:44:31,419 --> 00:44:33,421
a complete genetic profile.

1095
00:44:33,588 --> 00:44:35,840
Luckily for me, there is

1096
00:44:36,007 --> 00:44:37,801
literally no interest
from any man.

1097
00:44:37,967 --> 00:44:40,804
About Katherine:

1098
00:44:40,970 --> 00:44:42,680
Be useful.

1099
00:44:42,847 --> 00:44:45,392
Make it so that
even if she doesn't like you,

1100
00:44:45,558 --> 00:44:47,060
she needs you.

1101
00:44:49,646 --> 00:44:51,064
If it's okay with you,

1102
00:44:51,231 --> 00:44:52,941
I'd like to stay here
a little while

1103
00:44:53,108 --> 00:44:54,484
and just listen to you play.

1104
00:44:54,651 --> 00:44:56,319
All right.

1105
00:45:02,742 --> 00:45:04,994
You have said "the only true
meritocracy is in comedy."

1106
00:45:05,161 --> 00:45:06,641
Indeed, yes.
I mean, it doesn't matter

1107
00:45:06,704 --> 00:45:08,184
where you're from,
what you look like,

1108
00:45:08,248 --> 00:45:09,833
how much money
your parents have.

1109
00:45:09,999 --> 00:45:11,960
Funny is funny,
and that's meritocracy.

1110
00:45:12,127 --> 00:45:13,420
As long as you're white,

1111
00:45:13,586 --> 00:45:15,630
male and from
an elite college, right?

1112
00:45:15,797 --> 00:45:17,917
Because that's all your
writing staff is comprised of.

1113
00:45:19,634 --> 00:45:21,594
I write on the show.

1114
00:45:21,761 --> 00:45:24,472
And I definitely didn't go
to a fancy college.

1115
00:45:24,639 --> 00:45:26,159
Tell me, does Katherine
know your name?

1116
00:45:26,266 --> 00:45:28,393
I heard she refers
to the writers by number.

1117
00:45:30,311 --> 00:45:32,230
I am called Eight.

1118
00:45:32,397 --> 00:45:33,791
Because Katherine said

1119
00:45:33,815 --> 00:45:35,084
she couldn't be bothered
to learn

1120
00:45:35,108 --> 00:45:36,484
everyone's name, so she just

1121
00:45:36,651 --> 00:45:38,736
pointed at the writers
and shouted numbers

1122
00:45:38,903 --> 00:45:40,822
and named me Eight.

1123
00:45:42,532 --> 00:45:45,243
Yeah, she also keeps us
in cages and doesn't feed us.

1124
00:45:45,410 --> 00:45:48,079
But she does let us

1125
00:45:48,246 --> 00:45:49,956
go to the bathroom once a day.

1126
00:45:50,123 --> 00:45:51,958
No, of course she knows
our names.

1127
00:45:52,125 --> 00:45:54,627
My name is Molly.
You have some bad information.

1128
00:45:54,794 --> 00:45:57,130
Yes, you do.
This is, of course, Molly.

1129
00:45:57,297 --> 00:45:59,377
- Hi. Hello, Brad.
- Everybody, let's make some room.

1130
00:45:59,466 --> 00:46:00,758
Mm...

1131
00:46:00,925 --> 00:46:03,136
One of the writers, everybody.

1132
00:46:03,303 --> 00:46:05,430
- Hi.
- How would you describe Molly?

1133
00:46:05,597 --> 00:46:07,098
Molly? Molly...

1134
00:46:07,265 --> 00:46:09,893
Molly is...

1135
00:46:10,059 --> 00:46:12,145
She said I was
the vibrant splash of color

1136
00:46:12,312 --> 00:46:14,981
on the gray canvas
of our writing staff.

1137
00:46:15,148 --> 00:46:16,483
I was really touched.

1138
00:46:16,649 --> 00:46:17,960
- Mm. -And then she said
something to me

1139
00:46:17,984 --> 00:46:19,211
- that I will never forget.
- Mm-hmm.

1140
00:46:19,235 --> 00:46:20,528
She said to me that,

1141
00:46:20,695 --> 00:46:22,405
despite our very different
backgrounds,

1142
00:46:22,572 --> 00:46:24,407
that I reminded her

1143
00:46:24,574 --> 00:46:26,618
- of a younger her.
- Younger me.

1144
00:46:26,784 --> 00:46:27,845
Isn't that wonderful?

1145
00:46:27,869 --> 00:46:29,704
I mean...

1146
00:46:29,871 --> 00:46:31,956
- Huge.
- Mm...

1147
00:46:32,123 --> 00:46:33,976
You know what? Everybody's
gonna want to get this.

1148
00:46:34,000 --> 00:46:35,710
Let's get a picture

1149
00:46:35,877 --> 00:46:38,838
of Katherine and her beautiful
Indian protégée...

1150
00:46:39,005 --> 00:46:40,340
- Molly.
- Molly.

1151
00:46:44,093 --> 00:46:45,279
Oh. You guys getting that?

1152
00:46:46,429 --> 00:46:48,765
Thank you.

1153
00:46:48,932 --> 00:46:51,017
Yeah, it's pretty good.

1154
00:46:51,184 --> 00:46:53,019
Oh, I think it's going
beautifully.

1155
00:46:53,186 --> 00:46:54,187
Mm-hmm.

1156
00:46:54,354 --> 00:46:55,605
You haven't killed anybody yet.

1157
00:46:55,772 --> 00:46:57,166
Nope.

1158
00:46:57,190 --> 00:46:59,651
But it's still early.

1159
00:47:03,404 --> 00:47:05,198
You want to come over?

1160
00:47:05,365 --> 00:47:07,659
- Uh, yeah, sure.
- Oh, excuse me.

1161
00:47:07,825 --> 00:47:09,911
Thank you.

1162
00:47:11,204 --> 00:47:12,330
Oh.

1163
00:47:12,497 --> 00:47:14,040
Three weeks. Right on time.

1164
00:47:14,207 --> 00:47:15,792
Wait, really?

1165
00:47:15,959 --> 00:47:18,378
No, I just set that
before I came over.

1166
00:47:18,545 --> 00:47:20,147
- Very funny. Very, very funny.
- Come on.

1167
00:47:20,171 --> 00:47:22,632
Billy Kastner.

1168
00:47:22,799 --> 00:47:24,026
- Hey.
- I guess everybody can get

1169
00:47:24,050 --> 00:47:25,051
invited to this party.

1170
00:47:25,218 --> 00:47:26,553
Uh, I would like

1171
00:47:26,719 --> 00:47:28,680
to introduce you two
to Danny Tennant.

1172
00:47:28,846 --> 00:47:30,557
- Danny, Walter Lovell.
- Hey, man.

1173
00:47:30,723 --> 00:47:31,975
How you doing, Walter?

1174
00:47:32,141 --> 00:47:33,226
- And, of course...
- Wow.

1175
00:47:33,393 --> 00:47:34,894
- Katherine Newbury.
- Wow.

1176
00:47:35,061 --> 00:47:36,341
Classiest couple
in New York City

1177
00:47:36,437 --> 00:47:37,837
since Diane Sawyer
and Mike Nichols.

1178
00:47:37,981 --> 00:47:39,524
Danny here--
very funny, very famous,

1179
00:47:39,691 --> 00:47:41,568
and currently,
every female coed

1180
00:47:41,734 --> 00:47:43,361
in the United States
wants to lose

1181
00:47:43,528 --> 00:47:45,631
- their virginity to him.
- Stop. That's... Just half.

1182
00:47:45,655 --> 00:47:47,365
- Well, that's gonna keep you busy.
- Mm.

1183
00:47:47,532 --> 00:47:49,813
And, Katherine, I'm sorry,
I have to say, I am such a fan.

1184
00:47:49,909 --> 00:47:52,120
I mean, you were such an
inspiration for me growing up.

1185
00:47:52,287 --> 00:47:54,122
And your comedy is so smart.

1186
00:47:54,289 --> 00:47:55,891
You know, I'll-I'll be watching
your show, and I have to, like,

1187
00:47:55,915 --> 00:47:57,393
look up half the words you say.

1188
00:47:57,417 --> 00:47:59,502
That's so kind.

1189
00:47:59,669 --> 00:48:02,463
Did you take a shit
in anyone's shoes yet?

1190
00:48:02,630 --> 00:48:04,150
- Um...
- You know, from your stand-up.

1191
00:48:04,299 --> 00:48:06,139
When you're at parties,
you like to take a shit

1192
00:48:06,217 --> 00:48:07,736
in other people's shoes.

1193
00:48:07,760 --> 00:48:09,520
That's from the special.
You saw the special.

1194
00:48:09,637 --> 00:48:10,739
- Yeah, well...
- Remember that?

1195
00:48:10,763 --> 00:48:12,724
Diarrhea!

1196
00:48:12,890 --> 00:48:15,226
Did you enjoy talking
to my writing staff?

1197
00:48:15,393 --> 00:48:18,313
- Yes. Talented guys.
- They are.

1198
00:48:18,479 --> 00:48:20,356
Charlie Fain, especially.

1199
00:48:20,523 --> 00:48:23,776
So, Danny, what's next for you?
Prank show on MTV?

1200
00:48:23,943 --> 00:48:25,743
Or an arena tour
sponsored by an energy drink?

1201
00:48:25,862 --> 00:48:27,155
No, I think, actually,

1202
00:48:27,322 --> 00:48:28,990
I'm gonna take
a little bit of time off,

1203
00:48:29,157 --> 00:48:30,908
you know,
and work on some new material

1204
00:48:31,075 --> 00:48:33,620
and just kind of kick around
some new ideas and stuff.

1205
00:48:33,786 --> 00:48:35,431
You're at the height
of your stand-up career,

1206
00:48:35,455 --> 00:48:37,123
and you're stopping
to kick around ideas?

1207
00:48:39,334 --> 00:48:40,877
Yeah.

1208
00:48:43,296 --> 00:48:44,547
Oh.

1209
00:48:44,714 --> 00:48:46,424
Daniel Tennant?!

1210
00:48:46,591 --> 00:48:49,719
You're replacing me
with Daniel fucking Tennant?!

1211
00:48:49,886 --> 00:48:51,488
We're in negotiations with him.
Thank you, Margaret.

1212
00:48:51,512 --> 00:48:52,722
You cannot do this.

1213
00:48:52,889 --> 00:48:54,409
We are working
on something back there.

1214
00:48:54,557 --> 00:48:56,557
- You have to give us a chance.
- You had a chance.

1215
00:48:56,684 --> 00:48:59,062
That's what ten years
of ratings decline is.

1216
00:48:59,228 --> 00:49:00,788
Look, you can make it easy
for yourself.

1217
00:49:00,938 --> 00:49:02,774
You can welcome him in,
make it seem like

1218
00:49:02,940 --> 00:49:04,192
you were part of the decision.

1219
00:49:04,359 --> 00:49:05,568
Or it can be hard.

1220
00:49:05,735 --> 00:49:07,111
The choice is
entirely up to you.

1221
00:49:07,278 --> 00:49:09,030
Believe me,
I take no pleasure in this.

1222
00:49:09,197 --> 00:49:10,823
Oh, for God's sake,
do me the courtesy

1223
00:49:10,990 --> 00:49:12,825
of at least not lying
to my face.

1224
00:49:12,992 --> 00:49:15,286
Fine. I take a
great deal of pleasure in this.

1225
00:49:15,453 --> 00:49:18,331
Katherine, did you ever wonder
if I think you're funny?

1226
00:49:18,498 --> 00:49:19,874
No.

1227
00:49:20,041 --> 00:49:21,477
Do you think I should think
you're funny,

1228
00:49:21,501 --> 00:49:22,895
as president of the network
you're on?

1229
00:49:22,919 --> 00:49:25,463
I've seen six presidents
of this network

1230
00:49:25,630 --> 00:49:27,215
come and go
while I've been here.

1231
00:49:27,382 --> 00:49:30,385
Somalian fucking warlords
have more job stability.

1232
00:49:30,551 --> 00:49:32,261
You didn't answer my question.

1233
00:49:32,428 --> 00:49:35,640
If you're asking me if I've
ever respected your taste,

1234
00:49:35,807 --> 00:49:38,142
then the answer, Caroline,
is no.

1235
00:49:38,309 --> 00:49:40,978
And if you want
to replace me with a meme--

1236
00:49:41,145 --> 00:49:42,939
a T-shirt of a man
who hides his xenophobia

1237
00:49:43,106 --> 00:49:44,691
and, by the way,
his hatred of women

1238
00:49:44,857 --> 00:49:47,485
behind a congenial
frat-boy persona--

1239
00:49:47,652 --> 00:49:49,570
just to make yourself
seem relevant,

1240
00:49:49,737 --> 00:49:51,447
then, by all means,
you go ahead.

1241
00:49:51,614 --> 00:49:54,075
But I will not allow you to
destroy the show that I built.

1242
00:50:11,968 --> 00:50:13,688
You know what's funny?
You remember how kids

1243
00:50:13,720 --> 00:50:15,239
used to have those, like,
little games in their pocket.

1244
00:50:15,263 --> 00:50:17,223
We passed on that.

1245
00:50:17,390 --> 00:50:19,100
Oh.

1246
00:50:20,101 --> 00:50:21,644
Where are you going?

1247
00:50:21,811 --> 00:50:23,980
Oh, uh, Four and I have
that charity comedy event.

1248
00:50:24,147 --> 00:50:26,190
- I'm the emcee.
- Well, you're not going.

1249
00:50:26,357 --> 00:50:28,985
I'm so sorry. I have to go.
It starts in 30 minutes,

1250
00:50:29,152 --> 00:50:30,862
and there would be no one
to replace me.

1251
00:50:31,028 --> 00:50:32,697
And who's going to be
replacing you here?

1252
00:50:32,864 --> 00:50:34,591
Look around the room--
all these guys are staying.

1253
00:50:34,615 --> 00:50:36,826
Four's not going.

1254
00:50:36,993 --> 00:50:39,412
- Molly, it's not worth it.
- I would listen to that.

1255
00:50:39,579 --> 00:50:41,247
That's pretty good advice.

1256
00:50:42,915 --> 00:50:45,960
I have stayed late
every single night this month.

1257
00:50:46,127 --> 00:50:47,795
It's for a charity.

1258
00:50:47,962 --> 00:50:50,243
- I'm sorry, I'm very torn.
- Well, you shouldn't be torn,

1259
00:50:50,381 --> 00:50:52,276
and you shouldn't be letting me
know that you're torn.

1260
00:50:52,300 --> 00:50:54,069
You can't just download
your emotional state onto me

1261
00:50:54,093 --> 00:50:56,763
and hope that your honesty
will somehow exonerate you.

1262
00:50:56,929 --> 00:50:58,890
"Upload."

1263
00:50:59,056 --> 00:51:00,516
What?

1264
00:51:00,683 --> 00:51:02,602
Uh, it's-it's
"upload your emotional state."

1265
00:51:02,769 --> 00:51:04,395
So, if, um...
if you take something

1266
00:51:04,562 --> 00:51:05,873
off the Internet,
that's "download."

1267
00:51:05,897 --> 00:51:07,648
If you put something on,
that's "upload."

1268
00:51:07,815 --> 00:51:09,668
So, like, if this conversation
were the Internet...

1269
00:51:09,692 --> 00:51:12,570
- Shut up, Seven. What the fuck?
- Yeah.

1270
00:51:12,737 --> 00:51:15,740
Eight, if you leave,
don't come back.

1271
00:51:18,284 --> 00:51:21,162
I made a commitment.
I'm sorry.

1272
00:51:24,499 --> 00:51:26,501
Okay. Okay.

1273
00:51:26,667 --> 00:51:28,711
- Okay, so...
- Yeah, continue.

1274
00:51:30,922 --> 00:51:32,799
Hey, hey, hey.
Give me the lineup.

1275
00:51:32,965 --> 00:51:34,717
Thank you.

1276
00:51:42,850 --> 00:51:45,019
Okay, so...
okay, so here's the pitch.

1277
00:51:45,186 --> 00:51:46,854
You are a pirate.

1278
00:51:47,021 --> 00:51:48,481
It's 1860s.

1279
00:51:54,195 --> 00:51:55,905
Yeah, no, look,
I mean, that's, like,

1280
00:51:56,072 --> 00:51:57,365
well, if it's, like she's got

1281
00:51:57,532 --> 00:51:59,867
- the parrot on her shoulder...
- Right.

1282
00:52:00,034 --> 00:52:01,577
My day sucked.

1283
00:52:01,744 --> 00:52:03,246
I was fired from my job.

1284
00:52:03,412 --> 00:52:04,664
No, yeah.

1285
00:52:04,831 --> 00:52:06,457
Really, really,
like 15 minutes ago.

1286
00:52:06,624 --> 00:52:10,336
I was actually fired for coming
here to be with you guys.

1287
00:52:10,503 --> 00:52:12,338
And now, looking out
in the audience,

1288
00:52:12,505 --> 00:52:14,399
I'm not sure
I made the right decision.

1289
00:52:14,423 --> 00:52:16,133
No, but really,

1290
00:52:16,300 --> 00:52:18,094
I got fired, and, um,

1291
00:52:18,261 --> 00:52:19,846
I didn't think
that was possible.

1292
00:52:20,012 --> 00:52:23,182
I mean, look at me, guys.

1293
00:52:23,349 --> 00:52:26,853
Look. I am a dark-skinned
Indian woman.

1294
00:52:27,019 --> 00:52:28,688
Aren't I un-fireable?

1295
00:52:28,855 --> 00:52:31,399
I mean, I'm a token,
for God's sakes. You don't...

1296
00:52:31,566 --> 00:52:33,192
Why is this for lung cancer?

1297
00:52:33,359 --> 00:52:35,611
I think the emcee girl's dad
died from it.

1298
00:52:35,778 --> 00:52:38,155
- Who's the emcee?
- I think she works at Colbert.

1299
00:52:38,322 --> 00:52:40,074
- She works for me.
- See, now

1300
00:52:40,241 --> 00:52:42,135
I'm convincing myself that
I-I should've been fired.

1301
00:52:42,159 --> 00:52:43,804
- -Thank you so much
for being here, and thank you

1302
00:52:43,828 --> 00:52:45,228
for coming out
for this great cause.

1303
00:52:45,329 --> 00:52:48,666
Let's keep it going.
Our next performer is...

1304
00:52:54,213 --> 00:52:56,507
Our next performer, uh, uh...

1305
00:52:56,674 --> 00:52:59,135
Okay, this is surprising
for a-a variety of reasons.

1306
00:52:59,302 --> 00:53:02,221
Our next performer is
Katherine Newbury, everyone.

1307
00:53:06,893 --> 00:53:08,853
Thanks.
Thank you. Thank you.

1308
00:53:09,020 --> 00:53:10,646
Thank you so much. Thank you.

1309
00:53:10,813 --> 00:53:12,064
Thank you very much.

1310
00:53:14,275 --> 00:53:15,475
Thank you.
Thank you very much.

1311
00:53:15,568 --> 00:53:16,944
Thank you. Now shut up.

1312
00:53:18,237 --> 00:53:19,488
So, I joined Twitter.

1313
00:53:19,655 --> 00:53:21,407
I didn't want to.
My publicist made me.

1314
00:53:21,574 --> 00:53:23,868
And...
I was okay at first.

1315
00:53:24,035 --> 00:53:25,912
I was... with the twittering
and the tweeting,

1316
00:53:26,078 --> 00:53:27,830
but do you know
where it lost me?

1317
00:53:27,997 --> 00:53:30,833
Fave-ing. Fave-ing.

1318
00:53:31,000 --> 00:53:34,712
Because "fave" is short
for "favorite," right?

1319
00:53:34,879 --> 00:53:37,757
But you can only have
one favorite.

1320
00:53:37,924 --> 00:53:39,383
You can only have one.

1321
00:53:39,550 --> 00:53:41,636
You can't have lots
of favorites. It's stupid.

1322
00:53:43,179 --> 00:53:44,263
F-Faves. Faves.

1323
00:53:44,430 --> 00:53:46,265
They can't all be
your favorite.

1324
00:53:46,432 --> 00:53:47,934
It's stupid.

1325
00:53:51,854 --> 00:53:56,192
Lot of Twitter fans
in the audience tonight, I see.

1326
00:53:56,359 --> 00:53:59,445
So, that's not working.

1327
00:54:02,323 --> 00:54:05,076
Well, shit, guys.

1328
00:54:05,242 --> 00:54:08,454
I don't know.
I just don't know.

1329
00:54:10,039 --> 00:54:11,999
I guess that's why

1330
00:54:12,166 --> 00:54:15,169
they're taking my show
away from me.

1331
00:54:15,336 --> 00:54:17,755
- Yeah.
- Whoa.

1332
00:54:17,922 --> 00:54:19,966
Yeah, that's happening.

1333
00:54:21,926 --> 00:54:24,887
They're taking my show away,
and the thing is...

1334
00:54:29,141 --> 00:54:33,688
The thing is,
if they take my show away,

1335
00:54:33,854 --> 00:54:37,608
I do not know
what I am going to do.

1336
00:54:39,568 --> 00:54:42,697
I am a woman in my 50s
in Hollywood.

1337
00:54:44,657 --> 00:54:46,575
I don't know
what I'm going to do.

1338
00:54:46,742 --> 00:54:50,329
In Hollywood,
what am I going to do?

1339
00:54:54,333 --> 00:54:56,460
You know what? I've got it.

1340
00:54:58,421 --> 00:55:00,172
I could play
Sean Penn's grandmother

1341
00:55:00,339 --> 00:55:02,466
in the movie where he
is married to Emma Stone.

1342
00:55:02,633 --> 00:55:05,594
His childhood sweetheart.

1343
00:55:05,761 --> 00:55:07,304
It's so unfair.

1344
00:55:07,471 --> 00:55:09,265
I mean, Tom Cruise
is the same age as me.

1345
00:55:09,432 --> 00:55:10,850
We're the same age.

1346
00:55:11,017 --> 00:55:12,697
He gets to fight the Mummy.
I am the Mummy.

1347
00:55:12,768 --> 00:55:14,246
You know what? No, no, no.

1348
00:55:14,270 --> 00:55:15,646
I'm too old to play the Mummy.

1349
00:55:15,813 --> 00:55:17,573
They'd get Anne Hathaway in
to play the Mummy

1350
00:55:17,648 --> 00:55:19,008
and put, like,
Mummy makeup on her.

1351
00:55:19,150 --> 00:55:20,544
- -I'm probably
gonna have to have

1352
00:55:20,568 --> 00:55:22,111
a facelift
just to do voice work.

1353
00:55:22,278 --> 00:55:24,655
I'm gonna have to have, like,
Botox and lip filler

1354
00:55:24,822 --> 00:55:28,451
just to play the voice of a
wise old tree in a Pixar movie.

1355
00:55:28,617 --> 00:55:30,337
You know when you're watching

1356
00:55:30,369 --> 00:55:32,538
an awards show, and they play
people off with music?

1357
00:55:32,705 --> 00:55:34,582
You know, when they've gone on
for too long?

1358
00:55:34,749 --> 00:55:36,476
I feel like that's what they're
doing to my life right now.

1359
00:55:36,500 --> 00:55:38,794
They're just,
"Get off. Time to die.

1360
00:55:38,961 --> 00:55:40,463
"Just fuck off.

1361
00:55:40,629 --> 00:55:43,257
"Take that old face
and just go.

1362
00:55:43,424 --> 00:55:46,177
"Go sit.
Go sit in the dark somewhere.

1363
00:55:46,343 --> 00:55:48,012
"You remind us all
of our ex-wives.

1364
00:55:48,179 --> 00:55:49,764
Yeah. The older ones."

1365
00:55:51,807 --> 00:55:53,225
Thank you. Yeah.

1366
00:55:53,392 --> 00:55:55,728
I hope I earned
the privilege of your time.

1367
00:56:05,362 --> 00:56:07,114
Thank you, Dee, so very much.

1368
00:56:07,281 --> 00:56:09,492
- Get in the car.
- Okay.

1369
00:56:09,658 --> 00:56:11,660
She's coming back.
She's coming back!

1370
00:56:11,827 --> 00:56:13,621
Come on, come on, you guys.

1371
00:56:15,748 --> 00:56:17,583
Don't push me. Don't push me.

1372
00:56:17,750 --> 00:56:19,752
She's coming back.

1373
00:56:19,919 --> 00:56:22,463
- Uh, um...
- Uh...

1374
00:56:25,549 --> 00:56:27,760
Hey, hey. Look who's back.

1375
00:56:27,927 --> 00:56:29,279
Oh, my God.

1376
00:56:29,303 --> 00:56:31,180
- Hey.
- Hey.

1377
00:56:31,347 --> 00:56:33,390
This is my fault.

1378
00:56:33,557 --> 00:56:36,393
You were too scared to tell me
what you really think,

1379
00:56:36,560 --> 00:56:38,771
and I think I was too scared
to hear the truth.

1380
00:56:41,107 --> 00:56:44,527
I am the only woman in
late-night network television,

1381
00:56:44,693 --> 00:56:48,280
but I have been doing the same
format and the same jokes--

1382
00:56:48,447 --> 00:56:52,076
hell, even the same cadences--
as some of these other guys.

1383
00:56:52,243 --> 00:56:53,577
So, what are you saying?

1384
00:56:53,744 --> 00:56:54,888
You want more jokes
about female issues?

1385
00:56:54,912 --> 00:56:56,152
No, Seven, I-I'm not asking you

1386
00:56:56,247 --> 00:56:57,847
to write me a tight five
on menstruation.

1387
00:56:57,998 --> 00:57:00,167
I just want to say only things
I can talk about.

1388
00:57:00,334 --> 00:57:01,978
Nothing is off-limits.
If you think it's funny,

1389
00:57:02,002 --> 00:57:03,462
I don't care
how personal it is.

1390
00:57:03,629 --> 00:57:06,423
I am a 56-year-old Englishwoman

1391
00:57:06,590 --> 00:57:09,593
who has never given birth
or seen a superhero film.

1392
00:57:09,760 --> 00:57:11,303
Write to that.
You cannot offend me.

1393
00:57:11,470 --> 00:57:13,931
If you don't know enough
about me, come and talk to me.

1394
00:57:14,098 --> 00:57:15,724
I swear I will not
scream at you.

1395
00:57:15,891 --> 00:57:18,644
I want it to be specific,
and I want it to be political.

1396
00:57:18,811 --> 00:57:20,747
I'm gonna do the abortion joke
tomorrow, and, Seven,

1397
00:57:20,771 --> 00:57:22,124
she's writing monologue jokes
with you.

1398
00:57:22,148 --> 00:57:23,524
Uh... sorry, I'm not

1399
00:57:23,691 --> 00:57:25,568
a screenwriting course
at the JFK Radisson.

1400
00:57:25,734 --> 00:57:27,963
I can't teach a total novice
how to write jokes overnight.

1401
00:57:27,987 --> 00:57:30,030
No. I hate
to break this to you, Seven,

1402
00:57:30,197 --> 00:57:31,837
but you're not gonna be
teaching anything,

1403
00:57:31,907 --> 00:57:33,909
because I want someone
who doesn't think in exactly

1404
00:57:34,076 --> 00:57:36,036
the same way as everyone else
in the goddamn room.

1405
00:57:36,078 --> 00:57:37,472
So she's writing
monologue jokes with you.

1406
00:57:37,496 --> 00:57:40,207
Listen to me,
no matter what you hear--

1407
00:57:40,374 --> 00:57:42,459
online, from your agents,
wherever--

1408
00:57:42,626 --> 00:57:44,712
believe only this:

1409
00:57:44,879 --> 00:57:46,881
This is my show,

1410
00:57:47,047 --> 00:57:48,841
and I'm not going
fucking anywhere.

1411
00:57:50,259 --> 00:57:51,886
Thank you.
Thank you so much.

1412
00:57:52,052 --> 00:57:53,888
We've got a great show
for you tonight.

1413
00:57:54,054 --> 00:57:55,514
More good news from Washington.

1414
00:57:55,681 --> 00:57:58,350
Three Republican senators
have yet again proposed

1415
00:57:58,517 --> 00:58:00,895
a bill to defund
Planned Parenthood.

1416
00:58:01,061 --> 00:58:04,356
As always, the men most
obsessed with women's sex lives

1417
00:58:04,523 --> 00:58:06,358
are the ones getting laid
the least.

1418
00:58:08,402 --> 00:58:09,778
I never thought I'd say this,

1419
00:58:09,945 --> 00:58:11,548
but thank God
I'm going through menopause.

1420
00:58:11,572 --> 00:58:14,158
♪ It's how you dance now ♪

1421
00:58:14,325 --> 00:58:16,493
♪ Shakin' your hair around ♪

1422
00:58:16,660 --> 00:58:18,204
♪ Oh, yeah ♪

1423
00:58:18,370 --> 00:58:21,207
♪ There's only one you,
so do it like you do... ♪

1424
00:58:21,373 --> 00:58:24,001
What exactly is wrong
with my bits?

1425
00:58:24,168 --> 00:58:25,711
To be honest,

1426
00:58:25,878 --> 00:58:28,130
you're a little old
and a little white.

1427
00:58:28,297 --> 00:58:30,382
Okay. Those are facts.

1428
00:58:30,549 --> 00:58:32,760
What the fuck can I do
about that?

1429
00:58:34,428 --> 00:58:37,514
So, recently,
someone accused me of being,

1430
00:58:37,681 --> 00:58:40,809
quote, "a little bit old
and a little bit white."

1431
00:58:40,976 --> 00:58:43,854
To which I responded:
"I'm very old and very white."

1432
00:58:44,021 --> 00:58:46,523
I never do things halfway.

1433
00:58:46,690 --> 00:58:48,567
But what can a person like me
do about that?

1434
00:58:48,734 --> 00:58:51,028
If I try and fix it,
I can come across

1435
00:58:51,195 --> 00:58:53,405
as trying to be some sort
of white savior.

1436
00:58:53,572 --> 00:58:55,199
Then I decided
I was okay with that,

1437
00:58:55,366 --> 00:58:58,994
so let me introduce you
to a new series on Tonight:

1438
00:58:59,161 --> 00:59:01,163
"Katherine Newbury:
White Savior."

1439
00:59:01,330 --> 00:59:03,499
My name is Katherine Newbury.
Do you watch my show?

1440
00:59:03,666 --> 00:59:04,833
- No.
- Nah.

1441
00:59:05,000 --> 00:59:08,003
Okay.
Well, that's demoralizing.

1442
00:59:08,170 --> 00:59:10,547
Could you tell me if there's
been any instance recently

1443
00:59:10,714 --> 00:59:12,716
where you feel that you've been
treated differently

1444
00:59:12,883 --> 00:59:14,385
because of the way you look?

1445
00:59:14,551 --> 00:59:17,054
- Yeah. -I feel like
I can never hail a cab.

1446
00:59:17,221 --> 00:59:19,515
You feel like you can
never hail a cab?

1447
00:59:19,682 --> 00:59:21,850
Let's see what we can do
about that.

1448
00:59:23,310 --> 00:59:26,397
Here we go. Ah.

1449
00:59:26,563 --> 00:59:27,982
Hey, um...

1450
00:59:28,148 --> 00:59:29,733
I actually didn't need
to go anywhere.

1451
00:59:29,900 --> 00:59:32,278
That doesn't matter.
This is how white saviors work.

1452
00:59:33,779 --> 00:59:35,447
♪ It's how you move now ♪

1453
00:59:37,199 --> 00:59:38,426
- ♪ Gettin' your groove out... ♪
- Okay.

1454
00:59:38,450 --> 00:59:39,743
Okay.

1455
00:59:39,910 --> 00:59:41,590
I don't understand
why people wouldn't want

1456
00:59:41,745 --> 00:59:44,415
to get to know about
great journalists and writers.

1457
00:59:44,581 --> 00:59:46,834
Because that shit is boring.
This is a comedy show.

1458
00:59:47,001 --> 00:59:50,004
And now your host,
Katherine Newbury.

1459
00:59:50,170 --> 00:59:54,091
Now, you are in a show
about teen vampires

1460
00:59:54,258 --> 00:59:56,593
called Van Helsing Prep.

1461
00:59:56,760 --> 00:59:59,513
And you play a character
called Lydia Stoker.

1462
00:59:59,680 --> 01:00:03,017
I can see they did a lot...
a lot of research for this.

1463
01:00:05,102 --> 01:00:07,271
It's-it's silly.
Whatever. It's for teens.

1464
01:00:07,438 --> 01:00:09,440
She actually seems very smart.

1465
01:00:09,606 --> 01:00:11,501
...even though
she's always in a bikini,

1466
01:00:11,525 --> 01:00:13,628
- which doesn't even really make sense.
- I'd watch that show.

1467
01:00:13,652 --> 01:00:15,487
- I'll start to watch that show.
- Mm-hmm.

1468
01:00:15,654 --> 01:00:17,614
Kind of a guilty pleasure?

1469
01:00:17,781 --> 01:00:19,033
Well, you know what I think?

1470
01:00:21,368 --> 01:00:23,954
There's no such thing
as guilty pleasures--

1471
01:00:24,121 --> 01:00:25,873
only pleasures--

1472
01:00:26,040 --> 01:00:29,418
and I think Van Helsing Prep
is a real pleasure.

1473
01:00:29,585 --> 01:00:30,878
You've seen it?

1474
01:00:31,045 --> 01:00:32,546
Yes. And your character
is reminiscent

1475
01:00:32,713 --> 01:00:34,798
of Tess of the d'Urbervilles.

1476
01:00:36,550 --> 01:00:38,969
I... What I mean is
that it is, um...

1477
01:00:39,136 --> 01:00:40,304
it's very hard to pull off.

1478
01:00:40,471 --> 01:00:43,682
Thank you so much
for saying that.

1479
01:00:43,849 --> 01:00:45,618
I mean, I haven't seen every episode.

1480
01:00:45,642 --> 01:00:47,144
Can I hug you?

1481
01:00:47,311 --> 01:00:48,311
I... Sorry?

1482
01:00:48,395 --> 01:00:50,397
Hug you?

1483
01:00:50,564 --> 01:00:51,764
- She wants to hug you.
- Yeah.

1484
01:00:51,857 --> 01:00:52,691
- Hug her.
- Yeah.

1485
01:00:52,858 --> 01:00:55,277
Um, yeah, sure.

1486
01:00:55,444 --> 01:00:56,444
♪ La-la la la ♪

1487
01:00:58,572 --> 01:01:00,240
♪ I'm gonna dance
till I die... ♪

1488
01:01:00,407 --> 01:01:02,076
Heavens to Betsy.

1489
01:01:02,242 --> 01:01:04,745
Th-th-there, there, there.
There, there.

1490
01:01:04,912 --> 01:01:05,912
Hey.

1491
01:01:05,996 --> 01:01:07,289
Burditt's outside smoking.

1492
01:01:07,456 --> 01:01:09,833
No, I came to talk to you
about a bit.

1493
01:01:10,000 --> 01:01:11,418
Katherine helps people

1494
01:01:11,585 --> 01:01:14,171
complain about a messed-up
Meal Kwik order?

1495
01:01:14,338 --> 01:01:15,774
I don't even know
if it's a thing yet,

1496
01:01:15,798 --> 01:01:17,278
but do you want to work
on it with me?

1497
01:01:17,341 --> 01:01:18,884
- With me?
- Yeah.

1498
01:01:19,051 --> 01:01:20,528
Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.
Yeah, of course, of course.

1499
01:01:20,552 --> 01:01:21,804
Please. Come in. Welcome.

1500
01:01:21,970 --> 01:01:23,323
- I'll-I'll go get a chair.
- Yeah.

1501
01:01:23,347 --> 01:01:24,866
Or even, like,
a trash can or whatever.

1502
01:01:24,890 --> 01:01:26,725
- Very funny.
- ♪ I'm gonna do it... ♪

1503
01:01:26,892 --> 01:01:29,686
One of the best parts
about being a celebrity

1504
01:01:29,853 --> 01:01:32,898
is that if you complain about
something on social media,

1505
01:01:33,065 --> 01:01:35,275
the company actually
takes care of it

1506
01:01:35,442 --> 01:01:37,778
because they're scared
of bad publicity.

1507
01:01:37,945 --> 01:01:39,585
Nobody cares
if your flight gets canceled,

1508
01:01:39,696 --> 01:01:42,366
but if Chrissy Teigen's does,
watch out.

1509
01:01:42,533 --> 01:01:45,994
So, I've decided to file
your grievances for you.

1510
01:01:46,161 --> 01:01:47,704
So, millennial,
how did you feel

1511
01:01:47,871 --> 01:01:50,040
when your burger arrived
without fries?

1512
01:01:50,207 --> 01:01:51,727
I-I forgot about it,
and then I saw you

1513
01:01:51,875 --> 01:01:53,103
on the street,
and you asked me...

1514
01:01:53,127 --> 01:01:55,421
Devastated. Devastated.

1515
01:01:55,587 --> 01:01:57,965
We're so happy we avenged you.

1516
01:01:58,132 --> 01:01:59,800
Great. Great.

1517
01:01:59,967 --> 01:02:01,093
Enjoy your fries, everyone.

1518
01:02:01,260 --> 01:02:02,553
"Playful viral bits

1519
01:02:02,719 --> 01:02:04,638
and an overall
more engaged demeanor."

1520
01:02:04,805 --> 01:02:06,449
- Uh-huh.
- "Tonight with Katherine Newbury

1521
01:02:06,473 --> 01:02:08,225
is becoming a must-see
once again!"

1522
01:02:10,060 --> 01:02:12,354
Now, tell me how you feel
you're treated differently

1523
01:02:12,521 --> 01:02:13,856
because of the way you look.

1524
01:02:14,022 --> 01:02:15,375
- Yeah...
- Something small, not systemic.

1525
01:02:15,399 --> 01:02:17,039
There's nothing I can do
about getting you

1526
01:02:17,067 --> 01:02:18,294
approved for a bank loan.

1527
01:02:18,318 --> 01:02:20,821
Into the cab, into the cab.

1528
01:02:20,988 --> 01:02:22,531
♪ You like it
when I do it like that ♪

1529
01:02:22,698 --> 01:02:24,092
♪ And I know when
we're moving like that ♪

1530
01:02:25,742 --> 01:02:27,053
♪ Ain't nobody else
do it like that... ♪

1531
01:02:27,077 --> 01:02:29,037
- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.

1532
01:02:29,204 --> 01:02:31,123
♪ You like it
when I bring it right back ♪

1533
01:02:31,290 --> 01:02:33,542
♪ And I know when
we do it like that... ♪

1534
01:02:33,709 --> 01:02:35,002
No, don't wait up.

1535
01:02:35,169 --> 01:02:37,254
Okay, yeah, I love you.
It's all good.

1536
01:02:37,421 --> 01:02:39,298
I'm proud of you, Katie.

1537
01:02:39,465 --> 01:02:41,383
Hello, everyone.

1538
01:02:41,550 --> 01:02:42,926
My name is Katherine Newbury.

1539
01:02:43,093 --> 01:02:45,596
Now, let me ask,
does anyone in the audience

1540
01:02:45,762 --> 01:02:47,264
suffer from depression?

1541
01:02:47,431 --> 01:02:49,183
No? Nobody?
I can't really be the only one.

1542
01:02:49,349 --> 01:02:51,069
Well, I guess depressed people
aren't really

1543
01:02:51,101 --> 01:02:53,020
the call-and-response type.

1544
01:02:53,187 --> 01:02:55,039
Now, schizophrenics,
on the other hand, they're...

1545
01:02:55,063 --> 01:02:56,773
they're all like,
"Here, here, here."

1546
01:02:56,940 --> 01:02:58,358
And that's just one person.

1547
01:03:00,194 --> 01:03:02,613
Speaking of depression,
this week for me

1548
01:03:02,779 --> 01:03:06,200
has been a total series
of disasters.

1549
01:03:08,202 --> 01:03:09,912
It's late.

1550
01:03:10,078 --> 01:03:11,556
It's been
particularly irritating.

1551
01:03:11,580 --> 01:03:13,832
You should be going home.

1552
01:03:16,710 --> 01:03:19,379
Were you really depressed?

1553
01:03:19,546 --> 01:03:21,340
Or was it just part of the act?

1554
01:03:21,507 --> 01:03:22,841
I'm sorry?

1555
01:03:23,008 --> 01:03:25,010
I've watched this stand-up
so many times

1556
01:03:25,177 --> 01:03:27,513
when I was growing up, and...

1557
01:03:27,679 --> 01:03:29,097
it always made me feel better.

1558
01:03:29,264 --> 01:03:30,784
You know, like,
she's talking about it,

1559
01:03:30,933 --> 01:03:33,727
and she's being so funny, so...

1560
01:03:33,894 --> 01:03:37,147
I must not be weird
for feeling this way.

1561
01:03:39,775 --> 01:03:41,610
Yes, I was.

1562
01:03:41,777 --> 01:03:43,237
Depressed.

1563
01:03:43,403 --> 01:03:44,905
I still am.

1564
01:03:45,072 --> 01:03:46,448
Come with me.

1565
01:03:52,037 --> 01:03:54,081
And here we are.

1566
01:03:54,248 --> 01:03:56,041
Oh, my God.

1567
01:03:56,208 --> 01:03:58,377
How many Emmys do you have?

1568
01:03:58,544 --> 01:04:00,337
And a Golden Globe?

1569
01:04:00,504 --> 01:04:01,922
You were knighted?

1570
01:04:02,089 --> 01:04:04,174
You're Dame Katherine Newbury?

1571
01:04:04,341 --> 01:04:06,218
Mm-hmm.
"Knight" sounds so much better

1572
01:04:06,385 --> 01:04:07,625
than "Dame," though,
doesn't it?

1573
01:04:07,761 --> 01:04:09,137
"Knight"
is Lancelot and romance,

1574
01:04:09,304 --> 01:04:11,056
"Dame" just the old bag
who takes too long

1575
01:04:11,223 --> 01:04:12,599
in the grocery checkout line.

1576
01:04:15,269 --> 01:04:17,104
Wow.

1577
01:04:17,271 --> 01:04:19,189
Burditt is a baby
in this photo.

1578
01:04:19,356 --> 01:04:21,733
That was the first year
we won the Emmy.

1579
01:04:21,900 --> 01:04:23,694
It was good stuff back then.

1580
01:04:23,860 --> 01:04:26,196
Oh, that must be Tom's dad--
I-I mean Seven's dad.

1581
01:04:26,363 --> 01:04:29,116
Must be nice to inherit a job
from your father.

1582
01:04:29,283 --> 01:04:31,493
You know, he's not terrible
just 'cause he's privileged.

1583
01:04:31,660 --> 01:04:34,746
If his very worst qualities
are elitism and snobbery,

1584
01:04:34,913 --> 01:04:36,748
that's not really
all that bad, is it?

1585
01:04:36,915 --> 01:04:39,668
Yeah, well, he thinks
I'm a diversity hire.

1586
01:04:39,835 --> 01:04:41,336
You are a diversity hire.

1587
01:04:42,713 --> 01:04:44,089
What?
You think no one ever

1588
01:04:44,256 --> 01:04:46,008
accused me of sleeping
my way to the top?

1589
01:04:46,174 --> 01:04:47,634
I mean, the point is,
you're here.

1590
01:04:47,801 --> 01:04:49,601
And if you want people
to see you as something

1591
01:04:49,678 --> 01:04:53,473
other than a diversity hire,
you have to make them.

1592
01:04:53,640 --> 01:04:57,603
It's not fair,
but it never is for women.

1593
01:04:57,769 --> 01:05:00,856
I want you to know that you
have changed my life forever.

1594
01:05:01,023 --> 01:05:03,108
- No, look...
- And I want...

1595
01:05:03,275 --> 01:05:07,029
No. I don't want you to
take this the wrong way, but...

1596
01:05:07,195 --> 01:05:10,157
your earnestness can be
very hard to be around.

1597
01:05:11,700 --> 01:05:15,037
God, why can't I express
my admiration for you?

1598
01:05:15,203 --> 01:05:17,664
Because successful people
hate their own admirers,

1599
01:05:17,831 --> 01:05:20,709
and we're suspicious
of people who compliment us.

1600
01:05:20,876 --> 01:05:22,437
That's horrible.
How do you have any friends?

1601
01:05:22,461 --> 01:05:25,130
I don't think I have any.

1602
01:05:31,261 --> 01:05:33,722
Ah, it's getting late.

1603
01:05:42,856 --> 01:05:44,775
I have bad news.

1604
01:05:44,941 --> 01:05:46,902
For sweeps, they...

1605
01:05:47,069 --> 01:05:51,865
want you to introduce Tennant
as your replacement.

1606
01:05:54,785 --> 01:05:56,119
We tried.

1607
01:06:00,040 --> 01:06:01,958
I was watching
Game of Thrones.

1608
01:06:02,125 --> 01:06:05,003
And I'm watching
with my girlfriend, right?

1609
01:06:05,170 --> 01:06:08,131
And she's like, "Oh, my God.

1610
01:06:08,298 --> 01:06:10,175
"This is so unfair.

1611
01:06:10,342 --> 01:06:11,802
"All the women are nude,

1612
01:06:11,968 --> 01:06:13,679
but, like,
none of the men are nude."

1613
01:06:13,845 --> 01:06:15,565
So I whipped out my nuts.

1614
01:06:15,681 --> 01:06:17,391
And she's like,
"Oh, my God, balls!"

1615
01:06:17,557 --> 01:06:19,935
And I'm like, "Hypocrite much?"

1616
01:06:20,102 --> 01:06:21,662
Yeah, but that other one
got cut, right?

1617
01:06:21,728 --> 01:06:23,568
Uh, we can cut it,
and we can put this in there

1618
01:06:23,730 --> 01:06:25,130
- in its place, so if, um...
- Okay.

1619
01:06:25,190 --> 01:06:26,750
- Oh, good.
- So, if we're running long,

1620
01:06:26,817 --> 01:06:28,711
- we can end on the Supreme Court joke.
- Okay. Yeah.

1621
01:06:28,735 --> 01:06:30,672
- And if not, then we have two
more cards ready to go. -Here.

1622
01:06:30,696 --> 01:06:33,156
- Okay. -All right. So, why
don't we, uh, I don't know...

1623
01:06:33,323 --> 01:06:34,950
Okay, I just have to say--

1624
01:06:35,117 --> 01:06:37,994
no, no, I-I need to say--
that you don't have to do this.

1625
01:06:38,161 --> 01:06:39,496
Stop.

1626
01:06:39,663 --> 01:06:42,249
Listen to me.
You need to do this.

1627
01:06:42,416 --> 01:06:43,936
Introducing Tennant
is the classy move.

1628
01:06:44,000 --> 01:06:45,395
You make it look like
it was your decision.

1629
01:06:45,419 --> 01:06:46,562
I mean, it's-it's the best
we can do.

1630
01:06:46,586 --> 01:06:47,713
No, it's not.

1631
01:06:47,879 --> 01:06:49,256
This is your show.

1632
01:06:49,423 --> 01:06:51,758
It's an expression
of who you are.

1633
01:06:51,925 --> 01:06:55,345
Is handing the show over
to Daniel Tennant who you are?

1634
01:06:57,264 --> 01:06:59,558
I have to prepare.

1635
01:07:00,726 --> 01:07:02,144
That's not cool.

1636
01:07:02,310 --> 01:07:04,187
Hey. Hey!

1637
01:07:04,354 --> 01:07:06,690
Are you out of
your fucking mind?

1638
01:07:06,857 --> 01:07:07,983
Okay.

1639
01:07:08,150 --> 01:07:09,460
You can't tell her
stuff like that.

1640
01:07:09,484 --> 01:07:10,944
They made a decision, Molly.

1641
01:07:11,111 --> 01:07:13,238
Now it's our job--
our-our actual job--

1642
01:07:13,405 --> 01:07:15,282
to find a way for our boss

1643
01:07:15,449 --> 01:07:16,843
to tell America
that she's stepping down

1644
01:07:16,867 --> 01:07:18,118
and to do it in a way

1645
01:07:18,285 --> 01:07:20,370
that makes her look classy
and smart,

1646
01:07:20,537 --> 01:07:22,456
and for all of us
to save a little face.

1647
01:07:22,622 --> 01:07:24,666
Yes, saving face:
the most important pillar

1648
01:07:24,833 --> 01:07:26,209
in the WASP handbook to life.

1649
01:07:26,376 --> 01:07:28,056
Oh, okay. There's no pillars
in a handbook,

1650
01:07:28,086 --> 01:07:29,421
so get your metaphors straight.

1651
01:07:29,588 --> 01:07:31,315
And do you think we want her
to give the show

1652
01:07:31,339 --> 01:07:33,192
to a douche like Tennant, no,
but we don't go rogue

1653
01:07:33,216 --> 01:07:34,426
and just say anything we feel.

1654
01:07:34,593 --> 01:07:35,844
That's not how things work.

1655
01:07:36,011 --> 01:07:37,554
You know what?
Fuck how things work.

1656
01:07:37,721 --> 01:07:39,449
If I cared how things work,
I wouldn't have this job.

1657
01:07:39,473 --> 01:07:42,309
Which would be
absolutely fantastic.

1658
01:07:42,476 --> 01:07:45,103
Do I remind you of a girlfriend
that dumped you or something?

1659
01:07:45,270 --> 01:07:47,981
Oh, yes, yeah. I-I had a long
string of failed relationships

1660
01:07:48,148 --> 01:07:50,776
with semi-talented women
who overdress for work.

1661
01:07:50,942 --> 01:07:52,527
It must be so hard for you.

1662
01:07:52,694 --> 01:07:53,694
What?

1663
01:07:53,737 --> 01:07:56,239
That we have the same job.

1664
01:07:56,406 --> 01:07:57,783
Not the same job, Molly.

1665
01:07:57,949 --> 01:07:59,451
You write jokes
for the monologue.

1666
01:07:59,618 --> 01:08:02,120
- I'm the head monologue writer.
- Whatever, Seven.

1667
01:08:02,287 --> 01:08:04,265
Walk into a dead end-- that's
a... that's a great finish.

1668
01:08:04,289 --> 01:08:05,832
Nope, go-go that... Yep, yep.

1669
01:08:05,999 --> 01:08:07,852
No, no, you showed me.
Walking into-into a closet.

1670
01:08:07,876 --> 01:08:09,294
That's great.

1671
01:08:15,175 --> 01:08:17,260
And in five,

1672
01:08:17,427 --> 01:08:20,263
four, three, two...

1673
01:08:20,430 --> 01:08:22,557
Katherine Newbury.

1674
01:08:22,724 --> 01:08:25,310
Now, there are some rumors
out there

1675
01:08:25,477 --> 01:08:27,395
that you might be
replacing me.

1676
01:08:30,941 --> 01:08:33,318
Uh, well, uh...

1677
01:08:33,485 --> 01:08:34,486
you're a legend, okay?

1678
01:08:34,653 --> 01:08:36,488
I would be beyond honored.

1679
01:08:36,655 --> 01:08:37,948
Thank you.

1680
01:08:38,114 --> 01:08:41,827
The thing is, I...
I don't want to go.

1681
01:08:45,747 --> 01:08:48,250
I get it. I mean, who would
want to leave here, right?

1682
01:08:48,416 --> 01:08:49,835
Your name's on the drum.

1683
01:08:50,001 --> 01:08:52,045
Hey, give it up for
Katherine Newbury, y'all.

1684
01:08:52,212 --> 01:08:54,047
Make some noise!

1685
01:08:59,135 --> 01:09:01,888
Thank you for the noise.

1686
01:09:02,055 --> 01:09:04,349
I find myself in a genuinely
strange position, though,

1687
01:09:04,516 --> 01:09:06,393
because I truly
do not want to go.

1688
01:09:06,560 --> 01:09:09,312
- Do you want me to go?
- No!

1689
01:09:13,525 --> 01:09:16,194
Uh, we all wish
she could stay, right?

1690
01:09:16,361 --> 01:09:18,488
I mean...

1691
01:09:18,655 --> 01:09:19,990
Right.

1692
01:09:21,283 --> 01:09:22,784
You really wish I could stay?

1693
01:09:23,952 --> 01:09:25,161
Sure. Yeah.

1694
01:09:27,080 --> 01:09:28,999
You really mean it?

1695
01:09:30,750 --> 01:09:32,627
Yeah. Yes.

1696
01:09:32,794 --> 01:09:34,713
Well, you know what, Daniel?

1697
01:09:34,880 --> 01:09:36,423
I'll stay.

1698
01:09:38,800 --> 01:09:40,640
But only because you really,
really want me to.

1699
01:09:40,719 --> 01:09:42,429
Thank you, Daniel.

1700
01:09:42,596 --> 01:09:44,848
Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate!

1701
01:09:45,015 --> 01:09:47,100
Kate! Kate! Kate!
Kate! Kate!

1702
01:09:47,267 --> 01:09:48,518
You're welcome, America.

1703
01:09:48,685 --> 01:09:50,312
Well, that's...

1704
01:09:50,478 --> 01:09:52,856
- Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate!
- If you agree with me,

1705
01:09:53,023 --> 01:09:54,816
why don't you show me
some love on Twitter.

1706
01:09:54,983 --> 01:09:56,067
We have to take a break.

1707
01:09:56,234 --> 01:09:57,569
We'll see you back here
shortly.

1708
01:10:02,157 --> 01:10:03,533
You did great.

1709
01:10:05,994 --> 01:10:07,954
- I got this.
- What was that, man?

1710
01:10:08,121 --> 01:10:10,665
That sucked. We're done.

1711
01:10:11,750 --> 01:10:12,792
Did you enjoy that?

1712
01:10:12,959 --> 01:10:14,169
'Cause now you're fucked.

1713
01:10:14,336 --> 01:10:15,837
I don't know, Billy,
I think it really

1714
01:10:16,004 --> 01:10:17,297
shook the dust off this place.

1715
01:10:17,464 --> 01:10:18,715
Don't you?

1716
01:10:18,882 --> 01:10:21,009
Now get the fuck off my stage.

1717
01:10:24,054 --> 01:10:25,722
She did what?

1718
01:10:25,889 --> 01:10:27,349
Oh, oh, another thing.

1719
01:10:27,515 --> 01:10:29,327
I'm part of, um, um,
something called a hashtag

1720
01:10:29,351 --> 01:10:31,019
in which over half
a million people

1721
01:10:31,186 --> 01:10:34,564
participated or liked it or did
whatever they do with it.

1722
01:10:34,731 --> 01:10:36,399
I don't know.

1723
01:10:38,360 --> 01:10:39,360
What's wrong?

1724
01:10:39,402 --> 01:10:40,528
Nothing.

1725
01:10:40,695 --> 01:10:42,113
You were spectacular.

1726
01:10:42,280 --> 01:10:44,616
Walter, I'm not afraid
of Billy Kastner.

1727
01:10:44,783 --> 01:10:46,159
And you shouldn't be.

1728
01:10:46,326 --> 01:10:48,078
I'm going to open a champagne.

1729
01:11:06,972 --> 01:11:07,972
Hi.

1730
01:11:08,056 --> 01:11:09,516
- Hey.
- So, to celebrate

1731
01:11:09,683 --> 01:11:11,768
the single best day
of my professional career,

1732
01:11:11,935 --> 01:11:14,729
I thought I would surprise you
with vodka and with cupcakes.

1733
01:11:14,896 --> 01:11:16,496
Cupcakes are for me.
The vodka's for you.

1734
01:11:16,606 --> 01:11:18,042
Uh, actually,
the vodka's for me, too,

1735
01:11:18,066 --> 01:11:19,168
if I'm being completely honest.

1736
01:11:21,403 --> 01:11:23,822
You should call
before you come over.

1737
01:11:23,989 --> 01:11:25,309
Yeah, but where's
the fun in that?

1738
01:11:25,407 --> 01:11:27,909
I know, but I-I can't tonight.

1739
01:11:29,786 --> 01:11:31,371
Do you have someone over?

1740
01:11:34,457 --> 01:11:36,710
Oh, my God,
this is so embarrassing.

1741
01:11:36,876 --> 01:11:38,586
- No, no.
- Oh, this fucking sucks.

1742
01:11:38,753 --> 01:11:40,588
- Oh, God. Oh...
- No, no. Molly.

1743
01:11:40,755 --> 01:11:42,590
Molly. Molly.

1744
01:11:44,509 --> 01:11:46,069
- I think we should get a drink.
- Yeah.

1745
01:11:46,219 --> 01:11:48,930
We should drink and maybe
talk about "73 Questions."

1746
01:11:49,097 --> 01:11:51,057
- Yes.
- Hey.

1747
01:11:51,224 --> 01:11:53,393
Uh, Molly, uh...
Molly, you want to

1748
01:11:53,560 --> 01:11:55,040
- go somewhere and talk?
- No, thanks.

1749
01:11:55,186 --> 01:11:57,605
- Come on, Molly.
- You should ask someone else.

1750
01:11:57,772 --> 01:12:00,567
Maybe it won't take you
three weeks to fuck them.

1751
01:12:06,489 --> 01:12:08,408
Hey.

1752
01:12:09,617 --> 01:12:11,578
So, that was the other shoe.

1753
01:12:11,745 --> 01:12:13,163
What?

1754
01:12:13,329 --> 01:12:15,290
The other shoe dropping--
with Charlie.

1755
01:12:15,457 --> 01:12:17,577
Oh, no, I really don't want
to talk to you about this.

1756
01:12:17,667 --> 01:12:19,145
- Can I tell you a story?
- No, thanks.

1757
01:12:19,169 --> 01:12:20,521
All right, so the summer
after freshman year,

1758
01:12:20,545 --> 01:12:21,939
Charlie and I saved up
all of our money

1759
01:12:21,963 --> 01:12:23,403
to go to Pearl Jam
in Chicago, right?

1760
01:12:23,465 --> 01:12:25,025
And it was gonna be
this epic road trip.

1761
01:12:25,091 --> 01:12:26,509
The drive out was pretty great.

1762
01:12:26,676 --> 01:12:28,720
We just got high every day.
We laughed a lot.

1763
01:12:28,887 --> 01:12:31,181
We even got these matching
compass tattoos on our thighs.

1764
01:12:31,347 --> 01:12:33,308
Anyway, we get there,
I go to get a T-shirt

1765
01:12:33,475 --> 01:12:36,352
at the merch stand,
I come back, and he's gone.

1766
01:12:36,519 --> 01:12:37,771
Gone?

1767
01:12:37,937 --> 01:12:39,147
What do you mean, gone?

1768
01:12:39,314 --> 01:12:42,358
He met a girl, left with her.

1769
01:12:42,525 --> 01:12:43,943
I never saw him again.

1770
01:12:44,110 --> 01:12:46,071
I mean, you saw him again
later that night?

1771
01:12:46,237 --> 01:12:48,437
- I never saw him again that summer.
- That is horrible.

1772
01:12:48,531 --> 01:12:50,033
Why are you still friends
with him?

1773
01:12:50,200 --> 01:12:51,800
Well, I know that you
wouldn't be, right?

1774
01:12:51,951 --> 01:12:53,995
No, you're too principled
for that.

1775
01:12:54,162 --> 01:12:55,789
Teach you that at the factory?

1776
01:12:55,955 --> 01:12:56,790
It's a chemical plant.

1777
01:12:56,956 --> 01:12:58,666
All right. Look.

1778
01:12:58,833 --> 01:13:01,544
When you work with someone
that you've known for 18 years,

1779
01:13:01,711 --> 01:13:04,005
you can either be best friends
or mortal enemies.

1780
01:13:04,172 --> 01:13:06,508
I mean, you can't be
lifelong acquaintances.

1781
01:13:06,674 --> 01:13:08,885
Mortal enemies just felt like
a lot more work.

1782
01:13:11,596 --> 01:13:14,390
- You still have that tattoo?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

1783
01:13:14,557 --> 01:13:16,059
Compass points
right to my balls.

1784
01:13:16,226 --> 01:13:18,478
It's fucking horrible.

1785
01:13:18,645 --> 01:13:20,688
I-I don't want to wear it.
That's all.

1786
01:13:20,855 --> 01:13:22,065
No, I get that. I do.

1787
01:13:22,232 --> 01:13:23,792
- Let me explain, though.
- It's stupid.

1788
01:13:23,817 --> 01:13:25,537
No, no, no,
but the bit is the idea

1789
01:13:25,610 --> 01:13:26,796
- that you're a pirate that
everybody knows. -Katherine.

1790
01:13:26,820 --> 01:13:27,838
- Katherine. Katherine.
- This...

1791
01:13:27,862 --> 01:13:29,072
- Uh, sorry.
- What?

1792
01:13:32,867 --> 01:13:33,952
Oh, my God.

1793
01:13:34,119 --> 01:13:35,995
Okay.

1794
01:13:37,997 --> 01:13:42,210
We don't...
we don't have to do the hook.

1795
01:13:42,377 --> 01:13:44,003
Hey. I got your McNuggets.

1796
01:13:44,170 --> 01:13:46,381
But I'm not gonna lie--
I had a few.

1797
01:13:46,548 --> 01:13:48,174
Look at this.

1798
01:13:55,515 --> 01:13:57,684
No. It can't be true.
It's not possible.

1799
01:13:57,851 --> 01:13:59,519
They hacked his e-mail.

1800
01:13:59,686 --> 01:14:01,354
It has to be true.

1801
01:14:01,521 --> 01:14:03,064
He hasn't returned
any of my calls.

1802
01:14:03,231 --> 01:14:04,232
And why Charlie?

1803
01:14:04,399 --> 01:14:05,608
- Why him?
- Because he's hot.

1804
01:14:05,775 --> 01:14:07,318
Do you think
it should have been you?

1805
01:14:07,485 --> 01:14:09,028
No, I don't.

1806
01:14:09,195 --> 01:14:11,155
And, by the way, looks and fame
aren't everything.

1807
01:14:11,239 --> 01:14:12,907
They're definitely everything.

1808
01:14:13,074 --> 01:14:14,951
Guys, can we not be glib
about this, please?

1809
01:14:15,118 --> 01:14:16,758
I mean, I thought
she really loved Walter.

1810
01:14:16,870 --> 01:14:18,621
She does love him.

1811
01:14:18,788 --> 01:14:20,724
- "In sickness or in health."
- And you know what?

1812
01:14:20,748 --> 01:14:23,126
People always make those vows
in health,

1813
01:14:23,293 --> 01:14:24,878
so let's cut her some slack.

1814
01:14:25,044 --> 01:14:26,921
Let's get back to work.

1815
01:14:35,013 --> 01:14:37,182
Katherine Newbury is
in the news for allegedly

1816
01:14:37,348 --> 01:14:39,475
carrying on an affair
with a much younger man

1817
01:14:39,642 --> 01:14:41,603
who, uh, also happens to be
an employee of hers.

1818
01:14:41,769 --> 01:14:43,188
Did you see this?

1819
01:14:43,354 --> 01:14:44,939
I guess she took
the advice to get

1820
01:14:45,106 --> 01:14:48,026
more of the younger male
demographic to heart.

1821
01:14:58,745 --> 01:15:00,580
This is Walter.

1822
01:15:00,747 --> 01:15:02,123
Leave a message.

1823
01:15:02,290 --> 01:15:04,000
Walter, please call me back.

1824
01:15:04,167 --> 01:15:06,211
I need to see you.

1825
01:15:17,972 --> 01:15:20,725
Katherine?

1826
01:15:21,935 --> 01:15:24,062
Oh, my God.

1827
01:15:25,772 --> 01:15:28,942
Open a window, for God's sakes.

1828
01:15:33,613 --> 01:15:35,073
It happened three years ago.

1829
01:15:35,240 --> 01:15:38,243
Walter had just been diagnosed,

1830
01:15:38,409 --> 01:15:40,536
and he was so depressed
and angry,

1831
01:15:40,703 --> 01:15:42,497
and I got angry with him

1832
01:15:42,664 --> 01:15:44,666
for being angry,

1833
01:15:44,832 --> 01:15:48,962
and Charlie was so warm
and funny and persistent and...

1834
01:15:49,128 --> 01:15:50,546
and gorgeous.

1835
01:15:50,713 --> 01:15:52,149
It's hard when there's
someone that gorgeous

1836
01:15:52,173 --> 01:15:54,842
just knocking about.

1837
01:15:55,009 --> 01:15:56,809
Just a couple of months,
but I've regretted it

1838
01:15:56,970 --> 01:15:58,930
every single second since.

1839
01:15:59,097 --> 01:16:01,599
You know what? It actually...
it doesn't matter,

1840
01:16:01,766 --> 01:16:03,369
because I-I've been working
on the monologue,

1841
01:16:03,393 --> 01:16:04,936
and I think we have
an opportunity

1842
01:16:05,103 --> 01:16:06,729
to really say something here.

1843
01:16:06,896 --> 01:16:08,314
I'm not addressing it.

1844
01:16:08,481 --> 01:16:10,441
- What?
- No, we'll go dark for a week,

1845
01:16:10,608 --> 01:16:12,860
and then I'll come back on,
and I won't mention it.

1846
01:16:13,027 --> 01:16:16,489
And then, in a month,
I'll be gone.

1847
01:16:16,656 --> 01:16:19,367
You'll be gone?
Why are you doing that?

1848
01:16:19,534 --> 01:16:21,136
Because of my complete
and utter humiliation

1849
01:16:21,160 --> 01:16:22,800
in the eyes of
the American public, maybe?

1850
01:16:22,954 --> 01:16:24,664
No. You're being demonized,
Katherine,

1851
01:16:24,831 --> 01:16:26,291
- and it's not fair.
- It is fair.

1852
01:16:26,457 --> 01:16:28,501
I should be demonized.
I'm Katherine Newbury.

1853
01:16:28,668 --> 01:16:30,308
I stand for excellence
without compromise.

1854
01:16:30,336 --> 01:16:32,380
I fucked up.
I don't deserve the show.

1855
01:16:32,547 --> 01:16:34,716
- I think that you're wrong.
- You...

1856
01:16:34,882 --> 01:16:36,801
with over two months
experience in television.

1857
01:16:36,968 --> 01:16:39,679
I get it. You are ashamed
of what you did,

1858
01:16:39,846 --> 01:16:42,307
and you don't want to face it,
but everybody makes mistakes.

1859
01:16:42,473 --> 01:16:43,599
You need to talk about it.

1860
01:16:43,766 --> 01:16:45,518
I need to talk about it?

1861
01:16:45,685 --> 01:16:49,856
You know, what's so fascinating
about your generation is...

1862
01:16:50,023 --> 01:16:52,025
your obsession with catharsis.

1863
01:16:52,191 --> 01:16:53,484
It's so narcissistic.

1864
01:16:53,651 --> 01:16:54,986
In fact, we might as well

1865
01:16:55,153 --> 01:16:57,113
just go ahead
and call it catharcissism.

1866
01:16:57,280 --> 01:16:59,490
Where, for some reason,
just because

1867
01:16:59,657 --> 01:17:01,034
you confess something publicly,

1868
01:17:01,200 --> 01:17:02,994
you automatically get
redemption.

1869
01:17:03,161 --> 01:17:04,555
Well, I'm not gonna
play that trick.

1870
01:17:04,579 --> 01:17:06,289
I owe it to him,
and I owe it to me.

1871
01:17:06,456 --> 01:17:07,915
And that's
what's called backbone.

1872
01:17:08,082 --> 01:17:10,001
That's what's...
that's what's known as grit.

1873
01:17:10,168 --> 01:17:13,463
You want to talk to me
about grit?

1874
01:17:13,629 --> 01:17:15,590
I don't have any friends.

1875
01:17:15,757 --> 01:17:17,508
I don't come
from a rich family.

1876
01:17:17,675 --> 01:17:20,678
I didn't have a man whisk me
away when I was 20 years old

1877
01:17:20,845 --> 01:17:22,805
and tell me that I was
beautiful and a genius.

1878
01:17:22,972 --> 01:17:25,850
And guess what--
I'm probably not a genius.

1879
01:17:27,518 --> 01:17:31,606
And this show...
this is all I have.

1880
01:17:31,773 --> 01:17:34,150
So fuck you for giving it up.

1881
01:17:35,610 --> 01:17:38,488
You are selfish,
and you are scared,

1882
01:17:38,654 --> 01:17:40,615
and you have deluded yourself
into thinking

1883
01:17:40,782 --> 01:17:43,284
that is somehow the moral
high ground, but it's not.

1884
01:17:43,451 --> 01:17:45,262
Well, you don't have to worry
about that anymore,

1885
01:17:45,286 --> 01:17:46,606
because you no longer work
for me.

1886
01:17:46,704 --> 01:17:47,830
You're fired.

1887
01:17:47,997 --> 01:17:49,290
You know, it's funny.

1888
01:17:49,457 --> 01:17:50,917
You know everything about me,

1889
01:17:51,084 --> 01:17:52,752
and I don't even think
about you.

1890
01:17:52,919 --> 01:17:54,462
Bye-bye.

1891
01:17:59,217 --> 01:18:02,512
Look, please don't make fun
of where I live.

1892
01:18:02,678 --> 01:18:04,597
I know it sucks.

1893
01:18:04,764 --> 01:18:06,057
No, it's cool.

1894
01:18:06,224 --> 01:18:07,725
It's like you're in
witness protection

1895
01:18:07,892 --> 01:18:10,395
and your secret identity
is an elderly Indian woman.

1896
01:18:11,687 --> 01:18:14,190
Good amount of glitter.
I like the ponies.

1897
01:18:14,357 --> 01:18:16,984
So, are you super excited about
getting your first period?

1898
01:18:17,151 --> 01:18:18,611
Oh, come on, man.

1899
01:18:18,778 --> 01:18:19,946
Wait, are you...?

1900
01:18:20,113 --> 01:18:21,239
Oh, please don't do that.

1901
01:18:21,406 --> 01:18:23,032
Okay? I-I'm not...

1902
01:18:23,199 --> 01:18:25,076
I'm not good with...
I'm not good with that.

1903
01:18:25,243 --> 01:18:26,911
It's-it's not what I do.

1904
01:18:27,078 --> 01:18:29,163
I just got fired after working
less than three months

1905
01:18:29,330 --> 01:18:30,790
on the job of my dreams.

1906
01:18:30,957 --> 01:18:33,167
Now I have to go back
to Pennsylvania

1907
01:18:33,334 --> 01:18:35,086
and work in a factory.

1908
01:18:35,253 --> 01:18:36,493
Thought it was
a chemical plant.

1909
01:18:36,546 --> 01:18:38,172
It's basically the same thing.

1910
01:18:38,339 --> 01:18:39,966
Come on.

1911
01:18:40,133 --> 01:18:42,301
You're not going back there.

1912
01:18:42,468 --> 01:18:43,886
Who will hire me?

1913
01:18:44,053 --> 01:18:45,430
I'm such a fucking loser.

1914
01:18:45,596 --> 01:18:48,474
I make such a bad
first impression on people.

1915
01:18:50,101 --> 01:18:52,728
Well, there is some truth
to that, but, I mean...

1916
01:18:52,895 --> 01:18:54,939
I hate everybody,
and you made me like you, so...

1917
01:18:56,858 --> 01:18:58,860
Honestly, you just need
to stop being such a pussy.

1918
01:18:59,026 --> 01:19:01,529
Hey, that was
incredibly offensive.

1919
01:19:01,696 --> 01:19:04,490
Maybe, but, I mean,
it's also pretty true.

1920
01:19:04,657 --> 01:19:06,784
What? You can't give up

1921
01:19:06,951 --> 01:19:09,579
just 'cause Katherine Newbury
was mean to you.

1922
01:19:09,745 --> 01:19:11,539
Come on, suck it up. Okay?

1923
01:19:11,706 --> 01:19:14,000
Stay in New York.
Get a... different apartment.

1924
01:19:14,167 --> 01:19:16,252
Not this one. Anything
but this one, honestly.

1925
01:19:16,419 --> 01:19:19,046
- O-Okay. -Okay? And find
another show to work on.

1926
01:19:21,299 --> 01:19:23,342
You're too good, Molly.

1927
01:19:25,845 --> 01:19:27,638
Do you really think that?

1928
01:19:27,805 --> 01:19:29,783
You know how hard it is for me
to compliment people,

1929
01:19:29,807 --> 01:19:31,684
so just don't make me
say it again.

1930
01:19:53,456 --> 01:19:55,833
Good luck. Yeah?

1931
01:19:56,834 --> 01:19:58,252
Oh, you-you can leave that.

1932
01:19:58,419 --> 01:20:00,505
I kind of like it.

1933
01:20:12,642 --> 01:20:14,727
I'm on Zillow,
and in your price range,

1934
01:20:14,894 --> 01:20:16,694
you can't really afford
to live anywhere nice.

1935
01:20:16,771 --> 01:20:18,314
Okay, well,
where can I afford to live?

1936
01:20:18,481 --> 01:20:20,691
SoGo? It's the neighborhood
south of Gowanus.

1937
01:20:20,858 --> 01:20:23,027
Remember on the news?
They found that corpse there.

1938
01:20:23,194 --> 01:20:25,613
God, Parvati,
how is that helpful?

1939
01:20:27,406 --> 01:20:29,534
So, you left
after ten weeks, huh?

1940
01:20:29,700 --> 01:20:31,202
I was fired.

1941
01:20:31,369 --> 01:20:33,746
Yeah, I figured.
I was just trying to be polite.

1942
01:20:33,913 --> 01:20:36,832
I wasn't a good
personality match with my boss.

1943
01:20:36,999 --> 01:20:38,543
What is she like, anyway?

1944
01:20:38,709 --> 01:20:40,711
Because she's nice to me
at the Emmys,

1945
01:20:40,878 --> 01:20:42,463
but I can also tell on her face

1946
01:20:42,630 --> 01:20:44,882
that niceness
is very hard for her.

1947
01:20:45,049 --> 01:20:47,969
She was the least compassionate
person I've ever met.

1948
01:20:48,135 --> 01:20:50,429
She could be so casually cruel,

1949
01:20:50,596 --> 01:20:53,641
all in the name
of excellence and efficiency.

1950
01:20:53,808 --> 01:20:55,935
Sounds like
a laid-back place to work.

1951
01:20:56,102 --> 01:20:57,979
I thought your jokes
were really good.

1952
01:20:58,145 --> 01:20:59,397
And yet, every morning,

1953
01:20:59,564 --> 01:21:00,874
I would wake up
with this yearning

1954
01:21:00,898 --> 01:21:02,233
to impress her, you know?

1955
01:21:02,400 --> 01:21:04,000
Like, somehow,
if I could make her laugh,

1956
01:21:04,151 --> 01:21:07,280
that meant that I was reaching
my greatest potential.

1957
01:21:07,446 --> 01:21:09,156
So, anyways, your jokes...

1958
01:21:09,323 --> 01:21:10,783
God, and the sound
of her laugh,

1959
01:21:10,950 --> 01:21:12,451
it would just light up
the whole room.

1960
01:21:12,618 --> 01:21:14,328
It was like a thousand
church bells.

1961
01:21:14,495 --> 01:21:15,580
It was incredible.

1962
01:21:15,746 --> 01:21:18,249
Well, I want to hire you,

1963
01:21:18,416 --> 01:21:20,793
but if you ever want to say
something like that again,

1964
01:21:20,960 --> 01:21:23,462
it should definitely be...
to a therapist.

1965
01:21:23,629 --> 01:21:25,464
Oh, my God.
Okay, I-I would never...

1966
01:21:25,631 --> 01:21:26,924
I would never say that
about you.

1967
01:21:27,091 --> 01:21:28,360
- Yeah, no, please don't.
- Oh, my God.

1968
01:21:28,384 --> 01:21:29,510
Okay, thank you.

1969
01:21:29,677 --> 01:21:31,679
Thank you so much. Wow.

1970
01:21:31,846 --> 01:21:33,889
Fans on social media
are all wondering

1971
01:21:34,056 --> 01:21:35,474
whether Katherine Newbury

1972
01:21:35,641 --> 01:21:37,518
will announce her retirement
tomorrow night.

1973
01:21:37,685 --> 01:21:39,854
This comes after weeks
of mostly tabloid reporting

1974
01:21:40,021 --> 01:21:41,856
on her alleged
extramarital affair

1975
01:21:42,023 --> 01:21:44,609
and her pointed silence
on the matter.

1976
01:21:44,775 --> 01:21:46,777
This caps off one of
the most interesting seasons

1977
01:21:46,944 --> 01:21:49,030
in late-night television
in recent years.

1978
01:21:51,824 --> 01:21:54,285
Dogs with, like, people names?

1979
01:21:56,370 --> 01:21:57,370
- Hey.
- Hey.

1980
01:21:57,413 --> 01:21:58,247
Hi.

1981
01:21:58,414 --> 01:21:59,665
No, it's fine.

1982
01:21:59,832 --> 01:22:01,751
- You need help with the speech?
- No, no.

1983
01:22:01,917 --> 01:22:05,963
I'm sure you've all got
something lined up after this.

1984
01:22:07,798 --> 01:22:10,343
I just came to say thank you.

1985
01:22:12,553 --> 01:22:15,348
Brad.

1986
01:22:15,514 --> 01:22:17,391
Tom.

1987
01:22:20,770 --> 01:22:23,814
Mancuso. Reynolds.

1988
01:22:23,981 --> 01:22:25,733
Burditt.

1989
01:22:25,900 --> 01:22:29,487
Mendelsohn. Weber.

1990
01:22:32,406 --> 01:22:34,158
Six.

1991
01:22:38,329 --> 01:22:40,122
How did John Phillips die?

1992
01:22:40,289 --> 01:22:43,501
Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

1993
01:22:48,047 --> 01:22:51,509
I remember being
so hard on him.

1994
01:22:52,968 --> 01:22:55,137
You gave him a job.

1995
01:22:55,304 --> 01:22:57,515
I wasn't nice to him.

1996
01:22:59,266 --> 01:23:01,602
We're not here
because you're nice.

1997
01:23:01,769 --> 01:23:04,605
We're here because you're good.

1998
01:23:05,898 --> 01:23:08,234
She cried.
And thanked us.

1999
01:23:08,401 --> 01:23:10,194
- What?
- It was crazy.

2000
01:23:10,361 --> 01:23:12,321
When she said my name,
I almost got an erection.

2001
01:23:12,488 --> 01:23:13,715
Look, I really think

2002
01:23:13,739 --> 01:23:15,116
you should watch
the show later.

2003
01:23:15,282 --> 01:23:16,909
I mean, you worked
so hard on this.

2004
01:23:17,076 --> 01:23:18,595
Tom, go to work.
I'll talk to you later.

2005
01:23:18,619 --> 01:23:19,745
All right, all right.

2006
01:23:19,912 --> 01:23:21,497
Bye.

2007
01:23:28,963 --> 01:23:32,299
- Walter.
- Yeah.

2008
01:23:32,466 --> 01:23:34,760
I'd like to see you.

2009
01:23:34,927 --> 01:23:36,846
Okay.

2010
01:23:37,012 --> 01:23:38,657
Oh, but
there's press at the house.

2011
01:23:38,681 --> 01:23:40,808
Um, I'll think of somewhere.

2012
01:23:50,901 --> 01:23:52,903
When I left my wife and family

2013
01:23:53,070 --> 01:23:55,906
for a beautiful young
English girl,

2014
01:23:56,073 --> 01:23:59,243
they told me
there would be karma.

2015
01:23:59,410 --> 01:24:01,328
That I would pay for it.

2016
01:24:01,495 --> 01:24:03,330
And then...

2017
01:24:03,497 --> 01:24:05,750
years passed,
and nothing happened.

2018
01:24:05,916 --> 01:24:08,169
And I thought, "Well...

2019
01:24:08,335 --> 01:24:11,005
I'm the luckiest bastard
alive."

2020
01:24:12,381 --> 01:24:15,342
I guess I was wrong.

2021
01:24:17,344 --> 01:24:21,015
It's hard enough for me
to live with a disease

2022
01:24:21,182 --> 01:24:23,434
that's probably going
to kill me

2023
01:24:23,601 --> 01:24:27,313
without knowing
that the woman I love...

2024
01:24:28,647 --> 01:24:30,149
...decided one night,

2025
01:24:30,316 --> 01:24:32,902
instead of staying at home
with her invalid husband,

2026
01:24:33,068 --> 01:24:35,029
she would rather fuck
a comedian.

2027
01:24:37,782 --> 01:24:40,409
I want to say...

2028
01:24:40,576 --> 01:24:42,620
it didn't mean anything...

2029
01:24:44,580 --> 01:24:47,541
...but it meant everything
because it hurt you.

2030
01:24:47,708 --> 01:24:49,460
Yes, it did.

2031
01:24:53,464 --> 01:24:55,508
I know.

2032
01:24:55,674 --> 01:24:58,052
The thing is...

2033
01:24:58,219 --> 01:25:01,680
you can't just take away
one terrible thing you did

2034
01:25:01,847 --> 01:25:04,225
any more than you can take away

2035
01:25:04,391 --> 01:25:07,520
the million beautiful things
that we had together.

2036
01:25:07,686 --> 01:25:09,897
That's a million to one.

2037
01:25:11,315 --> 01:25:14,068
If you can live with that ratio

2038
01:25:14,235 --> 01:25:16,445
for another few years...

2039
01:25:18,405 --> 01:25:20,199
...then so can I.

2040
01:25:37,174 --> 01:25:38,843
But I'm not here
as your husband.

2041
01:25:39,009 --> 01:25:41,554
I'm here as a man
who has advised you

2042
01:25:41,720 --> 01:25:43,889
your entire adult life.

2043
01:25:44,974 --> 01:25:46,475
Are you sure that you're making

2044
01:25:46,642 --> 01:25:48,602
the right decision
about the show?

2045
01:25:50,771 --> 01:25:54,483
If it's over in one year
or ten years,

2046
01:25:54,650 --> 01:25:56,485
what's the difference?

2047
01:25:56,652 --> 01:25:58,487
It'll be over.

2048
01:25:58,654 --> 01:26:00,990
And what did I leave behind?

2049
01:26:01,156 --> 01:26:04,201
No... friends or children,
no...

2050
01:26:04,368 --> 01:26:05,578
You didn't want them.

2051
01:26:05,744 --> 01:26:07,371
You wanted excellence,

2052
01:26:07,538 --> 01:26:10,374
which almost no one gets
in their lifetime.

2053
01:26:10,541 --> 01:26:13,502
Just be sure you're ready
before you give it up.

2054
01:26:13,669 --> 01:26:16,463
I don't know
what to say to them.

2055
01:26:19,341 --> 01:26:21,886
When the time comes, Katie,

2056
01:26:22,052 --> 01:26:24,096
you'll know.

2057
01:27:12,353 --> 01:27:14,438
Thank you.

2058
01:27:14,605 --> 01:27:16,857
Thank you very much.

2059
01:27:17,024 --> 01:27:18,984
Well...

2060
01:27:20,361 --> 01:27:22,738
What a boring few weeks
it's been.

2061
01:27:22,905 --> 01:27:25,532
Although...

2062
01:27:25,699 --> 01:27:27,326
it's kind of refreshing

2063
01:27:27,493 --> 01:27:29,203
for a woman
to be the perpetrator

2064
01:27:29,370 --> 01:27:32,081
in a Hollywood sex scandal
for once, isn't it?

2065
01:27:34,041 --> 01:27:36,961
I am, of course, referring
to the multiple reports

2066
01:27:37,127 --> 01:27:39,838
that came out this week,

2067
01:27:40,005 --> 01:27:43,926
saying that I had been
unfaithful to my husband

2068
01:27:44,093 --> 01:27:46,887
with one of my writers.

2069
01:27:47,054 --> 01:27:49,264
Spoiler alert:

2070
01:27:49,431 --> 01:27:51,100
It's true.

2071
01:28:01,026 --> 01:28:04,780
I've learned
an interesting term:

2072
01:28:04,947 --> 01:28:07,741
"slut-shaming."

2073
01:28:07,908 --> 01:28:11,578
My supporters have said
that if I were a man,

2074
01:28:11,745 --> 01:28:13,585
I wouldn't be subject
to this kind of scrutiny.

2075
01:28:13,747 --> 01:28:15,374
Well, here's what I think.

2076
01:28:15,541 --> 01:28:17,701
If it were a man doing this,
it would be reprehensible,

2077
01:28:17,751 --> 01:28:19,670
but guess what--
it's a woman doing it,

2078
01:28:19,837 --> 01:28:21,922
and it's still reprehensible.

2079
01:28:22,089 --> 01:28:25,926
And none of this
would even matter

2080
01:28:26,093 --> 01:28:28,262
if I were not so...

2081
01:28:28,429 --> 01:28:33,434
so hard on everyone,
with such high standards

2082
01:28:33,600 --> 01:28:37,980
that I've defined
my career by it.

2083
01:28:39,648 --> 01:28:43,193
Um, the fact of the matter
is that...

2084
01:28:45,404 --> 01:28:46,864
...my husband is my family.

2085
01:28:47,031 --> 01:28:48,866
I...

2086
01:28:49,033 --> 01:28:52,786
have no one else in my life,
so...

2087
01:28:54,997 --> 01:28:56,540
...so when this happened,

2088
01:28:56,707 --> 01:28:58,542
I felt worse
than I have ever felt.

2089
01:28:58,709 --> 01:29:00,854
And I am clinically depressed,
so that's saying something.

2090
01:29:02,004 --> 01:29:03,505
And I thought,

2091
01:29:03,672 --> 01:29:06,383
"I don't deserve
these things anymore.

2092
01:29:06,550 --> 01:29:08,552
Him or the show."

2093
01:29:08,719 --> 01:29:13,515
But it doesn't matter
if I deserve you or not.

2094
01:29:13,682 --> 01:29:15,142
I need you.

2095
01:29:15,309 --> 01:29:17,519
And I've let you down.

2096
01:29:17,686 --> 01:29:20,647
I've taken you for granted
for years,

2097
01:29:20,814 --> 01:29:22,024
underestimating you

2098
01:29:22,191 --> 01:29:24,401
and thinking
that you wouldn't notice.

2099
01:29:25,778 --> 01:29:27,613
But you did.

2100
01:29:27,780 --> 01:29:31,992
And the other thing
I've learned is that this show

2101
01:29:32,159 --> 01:29:34,286
is the source of my energy.

2102
01:29:34,453 --> 01:29:37,331
It's, um, the reason
I get up in the morning.

2103
01:29:37,498 --> 01:29:40,292
It's my life. It's my blood.

2104
01:29:40,459 --> 01:29:44,797
Yes, and entertaining you...

2105
01:29:44,963 --> 01:29:48,217
has been the joy of my life.

2106
01:29:50,427 --> 01:29:52,596
Yeah.

2107
01:29:52,763 --> 01:29:56,391
Dear God, I hope I've earned
the privilege of your time.

2108
01:30:23,961 --> 01:30:26,130
I hope I'm not interrupting.

2109
01:30:27,339 --> 01:30:29,174
You know,
I got into this business

2110
01:30:29,341 --> 01:30:31,218
because I love television,

2111
01:30:31,385 --> 01:30:33,971
and I want to make
relevant television.

2112
01:30:34,138 --> 01:30:35,889
And I know,
when I say "relevant,"

2113
01:30:36,056 --> 01:30:39,351
you think I mean "pandering" or
"lowest common denominator."

2114
01:30:40,644 --> 01:30:42,312
I've dreamed of this day.

2115
01:30:42,479 --> 01:30:44,541
- Caroline, please, I beg you...
- You've been so abrupt.

2116
01:30:44,565 --> 01:30:47,151
But as I watched you out there,
I realized

2117
01:30:47,317 --> 01:30:50,445
I want to hear your take--
on the world, on everything--

2118
01:30:50,612 --> 01:30:52,197
and so does everyone else.

2119
01:30:52,364 --> 01:30:54,575
So, the show is yours.

2120
01:30:54,741 --> 01:30:56,410
But I'm watching you,
Katherine.

2121
01:30:56,577 --> 01:30:58,328
Just give a damn.

2122
01:30:59,705 --> 01:31:03,167
It's pretty fucking surprising,
isn't it?

2123
01:31:07,254 --> 01:31:08,755
Hey, is this my Thai food?

2124
01:31:08,922 --> 01:31:10,402
I hope you brought
extra peanut sauce.

2125
01:31:10,549 --> 01:31:11,675
I hate when you forget.

2126
01:31:11,842 --> 01:31:13,218
This isn't your Thai food.

2127
01:31:13,385 --> 01:31:14,845
This is Ms. Newbury's driver.

2128
01:31:15,012 --> 01:31:18,390
Ms. Newbury would like you
to come down to the car.

2129
01:31:18,557 --> 01:31:21,351
You can tell her that I don't
want to see her. Thank you.

2130
01:31:22,644 --> 01:31:25,564
She said what?
Oh, for fuck's sake!

2131
01:31:31,778 --> 01:31:34,239
Come on.

2132
01:31:43,957 --> 01:31:46,126
♪ Would you believe me now ♪

2133
01:31:46,293 --> 01:31:48,795
♪ If I told you
I got caught up in a wave? ♪

2134
01:31:48,962 --> 01:31:50,672
Son of a bitch.

2135
01:31:50,839 --> 01:31:52,966
♪ Almost gave it away ♪

2136
01:31:53,133 --> 01:31:56,094
♪ Would you hear me out ♪

2137
01:31:56,261 --> 01:31:59,389
♪ If I told you
I was terrified for days? ♪

2138
01:31:59,556 --> 01:32:01,391
♪ Thought I was gonna break ♪

2139
01:32:01,558 --> 01:32:02,893
Good afternoon, sir.

2140
01:32:03,060 --> 01:32:05,062
♪ Oh, I couldn't stop it ♪

2141
01:32:05,229 --> 01:32:07,439
- ♪ Tried to slow it all down ♪
- Nice.

2142
01:32:07,606 --> 01:32:09,441
♪ With everyone around me ♪

2143
01:32:09,608 --> 01:32:11,360
♪ Saying, "You must be
so happy now" ♪

2144
01:32:11,526 --> 01:32:13,946
Oh, goddamn it.

2145
01:32:14,112 --> 01:32:16,323
♪ Keep reaching out

2146
01:32:16,490 --> 01:32:19,618
♪ Then I'll keep coming back,
and if you're gone for good ♪

2147
01:32:19,785 --> 01:32:21,536
Oh, fucking hell.

2148
01:32:21,703 --> 01:32:24,081
- ♪ Then I'm okay with that... ♪
- Oh, God.

2149
01:32:24,248 --> 01:32:26,750
Molly, open up. It's me.

2150
01:32:26,917 --> 01:32:28,627
No.

2151
01:32:28,794 --> 01:32:30,337
I have just driven

2152
01:32:30,504 --> 01:32:32,589
to this horrid little corner
of Brooklyn

2153
01:32:32,756 --> 01:32:35,175
and climbed up six flights
of stairs to talk to you.

2154
01:32:35,342 --> 01:32:37,511
Now open the bloody door.

2155
01:32:42,140 --> 01:32:45,227
What do you want?
I-I'm very busy right now.

2156
01:32:45,394 --> 01:32:48,397
Why on earth do you live
in Coney Island?

2157
01:32:48,563 --> 01:32:49,731
Huh.

2158
01:32:49,898 --> 01:32:51,692
Maybe it's the Ukrainian
food scene,

2159
01:32:51,858 --> 01:32:54,152
or perhaps it's the endless
subway commute.

2160
01:32:54,319 --> 01:32:56,363
Not all of us can live
in a townhouse

2161
01:32:56,530 --> 01:32:58,949
- on Gramercy Park, Katherine.
- Point taken.

2162
01:32:59,116 --> 01:33:02,244
I heard you got an offer
from Seth Meyers.

2163
01:33:02,411 --> 01:33:05,706
I don't think you should take it.

2164
01:33:05,872 --> 01:33:07,749
Really?
Because I was considering it.

2165
01:33:07,916 --> 01:33:10,085
Mostly because
I don't have a job.

2166
01:33:10,252 --> 01:33:12,963
Also, he didn't call me
a racial quota

2167
01:33:13,130 --> 01:33:15,108
whose existence was completely
inconsequential to him.

2168
01:33:15,132 --> 01:33:16,216
Here.

2169
01:33:16,383 --> 01:33:19,219
- You remember that. Shit.
- Yeah.

2170
01:33:19,386 --> 01:33:21,346
Look, I'm sorry.

2171
01:33:21,513 --> 01:33:23,849
I'm sorry.

2172
01:33:24,016 --> 01:33:26,601
The thing is,
when you hate yourself,

2173
01:33:26,768 --> 01:33:28,854
the only thing
that makes you feel better

2174
01:33:29,021 --> 01:33:32,232
is to get other people to feel
the same way as you do.

2175
01:33:32,399 --> 01:33:33,859
Is this filtered?

2176
01:33:37,112 --> 01:33:39,823
I didn't mean what I said.

2177
01:33:41,575 --> 01:33:43,410
Thank you...

2178
01:33:43,577 --> 01:33:45,412
for saying that...

2179
01:33:45,579 --> 01:33:47,414
and for coming here.

2180
01:33:47,581 --> 01:33:49,708
- Do you like the color of my wall?
- No.

2181
01:33:49,875 --> 01:33:52,252
You know what, I'm not gonna
go back and work for you,

2182
01:33:52,419 --> 01:33:54,546
because that was a very toxic
work environment.

2183
01:34:00,677 --> 01:34:02,637
I need you, Molly.

2184
01:34:04,097 --> 01:34:06,641
I need your pushiness
and lack of boundaries.

2185
01:34:06,808 --> 01:34:08,602
I need the annoying way
you light up

2186
01:34:08,769 --> 01:34:10,103
every time I walk
into the room.

2187
01:34:10,270 --> 01:34:12,522
It makes me feel
like I'm not a fraud.

2188
01:34:12,689 --> 01:34:14,691
But mostly, I need your talent.

2189
01:34:16,276 --> 01:34:17,986
You love me.

2190
01:34:18,153 --> 01:34:19,863
No, I didn't say that.
I... No.

2191
01:34:20,030 --> 01:34:21,510
I mean, not in those words,
but you...

2192
01:34:21,656 --> 01:34:23,217
No, I didn't say it
in any of those words.

2193
01:34:23,241 --> 01:34:25,118
But you have made
an impression on me.

2194
01:34:25,285 --> 01:34:26,328
A very big impression.

2195
01:34:26,495 --> 01:34:27,496
Please, Molly, come back.

2196
01:34:27,662 --> 01:34:29,122
It won't be the show you left,

2197
01:34:29,289 --> 01:34:32,209
but I need you
to help me change it.

2198
01:34:35,170 --> 01:34:37,381
- If I do...
- Hmm?

2199
01:34:37,547 --> 01:34:38,882
No more tantrums.

2200
01:34:39,049 --> 01:34:40,342
- Mm.
- No more hiring people

2201
01:34:40,509 --> 01:34:42,094
- who all look the same.
- Okay.

2202
01:34:42,260 --> 01:34:43,553
No humiliating people.

2203
01:34:43,720 --> 01:34:45,180
And no withering looks.

2204
01:34:46,181 --> 01:34:48,016
- Like that one.
- That's my face.

2205
01:34:48,183 --> 01:34:49,226
Can you try smiling?

2206
01:34:50,894 --> 01:34:52,121
Okay, forget it, forget it.

2207
01:34:52,145 --> 01:34:53,522
Okay. Yes.

2208
01:34:53,688 --> 01:34:54,689
Oh, yes?

2209
01:34:54,856 --> 01:34:57,025
Well, good.

2210
01:34:57,192 --> 01:34:59,486
Well, I guess I better go
if I want to get

2211
01:34:59,653 --> 01:35:01,738
to the bottom
of the stairs this century.

2212
01:35:01,905 --> 01:35:03,448
Thank you. All right.

2213
01:35:07,035 --> 01:35:09,162
God, I hate Brooklyn.

2214
01:35:12,541 --> 01:35:13,625
♪ Everybody got a nine ♪

2215
01:35:13,792 --> 01:35:15,627
♪ Everybody is a bad boy now ♪

2216
01:35:15,794 --> 01:35:17,963
♪ Everybody wanna shine ♪

2217
01:35:18,130 --> 01:35:19,650
♪ Everybody,
drink your champagne now ♪

2218
01:35:19,756 --> 01:35:21,216
♪ Everybody is the shit ♪

2219
01:35:21,383 --> 01:35:23,009
♪ Everybody is
the big thing now ♪

2220
01:35:23,176 --> 01:35:24,761
♪ Everybody is the boss ♪

2221
01:35:24,928 --> 01:35:26,721
♪ Everybody rocking
gold chains now ♪

2222
01:35:26,888 --> 01:35:29,808
♪ Ain't nobody wanna work,
ain't nobody wanna open up ♪

2223
01:35:29,975 --> 01:35:32,102
- Thank you.
- ♪ Ain't nobody wanna give ♪

2224
01:35:32,269 --> 01:35:33,854
♪ Ain't nobody wanna
wrap shit up ♪

2225
01:35:34,020 --> 01:35:35,945
- ♪ in't nobody wanna fail ♪
- Hey. -Hi.

2226
01:35:36,106 --> 01:35:37,899
♪ Ain't nobody
do it real these days ♪

2227
01:35:38,066 --> 01:35:39,484
♪ Ain't nobody being true ♪

2228
01:35:39,651 --> 01:35:41,611
♪ Ain't nobody ever go my way ♪

2229
01:35:41,778 --> 01:35:45,198
♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh ♪

2230
01:35:45,365 --> 01:35:48,577
♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪

2231
01:35:48,743 --> 01:35:52,038
♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh ♪

2232
01:35:52,205 --> 01:35:55,750
♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪

2233
01:35:55,917 --> 01:35:57,419
Okay.

2234
01:35:57,586 --> 01:35:59,963
♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh ♪

2235
01:36:00,130 --> 01:36:03,383
♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪

2236
01:36:03,550 --> 01:36:07,179
♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh ♪

2237
01:36:07,345 --> 01:36:10,891
♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪

2238
01:36:11,057 --> 01:36:13,393
♪ Ain't nobody wanna work ♪

2239
01:36:14,603 --> 01:36:16,980
♪ Ain't nobody wanna give ♪

2240
01:36:18,398 --> 01:36:20,775
♪ Ain't nobody wanna fail ♪

2241
01:36:22,152 --> 01:36:24,154
♪ Ain't nobody being true ♪

2242
01:36:26,698 --> 01:36:29,284
♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh ♪

2243
01:36:29,451 --> 01:36:33,121
♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪

2244
01:36:33,288 --> 01:36:38,210
♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh. ♪

2245
01:36:39,794 --> 01:36:41,338
Katherine Newbury.

2246
01:36:56,436 --> 01:37:00,732
♪ Don't let the negative
ever get in your way ♪

2247
01:37:00,899 --> 01:37:03,485
♪ Don't let it
mess up your life ♪

2248
01:37:03,652 --> 01:37:06,738
♪ Don't let it fuck up
your day ♪

2249
01:37:06,905 --> 01:37:11,034
♪ Don't let the shit they do
get in under your skin ♪

2250
01:37:11,201 --> 01:37:13,620
♪ Gotta push it aside ♪

2251
01:37:13,787 --> 01:37:17,040
♪ And keep pushing ahead ♪

2252
01:37:17,207 --> 01:37:20,585
♪ Ooh, when this life
knocks you on your ass ♪

2253
01:37:20,752 --> 01:37:24,464
♪ Keep up,
just keep coming back ♪

2254
01:37:24,631 --> 01:37:26,466
♪ Don't let it get you down ♪

2255
01:37:26,633 --> 01:37:28,093
♪ Gotta get going ♪

2256
01:37:28,260 --> 01:37:30,637
♪ Keep moving
in forward motion ♪

2257
01:37:30,804 --> 01:37:34,683
♪ Keep moving in
forward motion ♪

2258
01:37:34,849 --> 01:37:37,185
♪ Don't let nothing
ever slow you down ♪

2259
01:37:37,352 --> 01:37:38,687
♪ eep on ♪

2260
01:37:38,853 --> 01:37:40,981
♪ Hit the gas,
get your speed on ♪

2261
01:37:41,147 --> 01:37:44,859
♪ Never look back, no reason ♪

2262
01:37:45,026 --> 01:37:47,445
♪ No, no, nothing's gonna
stop you now ♪

2263
01:37:47,612 --> 01:37:51,032
♪ Stop you now, stop you,
stop-stop-stop you now ♪

2264
01:37:51,199 --> 01:37:53,618
♪ Stop you,
stop-stop-stop you now ♪

2265
01:37:53,785 --> 01:37:55,203
♪ Stop you, stop-stop ♪

2266
01:37:55,370 --> 01:37:57,205
♪ No, no, nothing's gonna
stop you now ♪

2267
01:37:57,372 --> 01:38:01,167
♪ Don't let the darkness get
in the way of your light ♪

2268
01:38:01,334 --> 01:38:04,129
♪ Don't let it mess
with your head ♪

2269
01:38:04,296 --> 01:38:07,215
♪ Don't let it
shut off your shine ♪

2270
01:38:07,382 --> 01:38:08,883
♪ You're on the fast track ♪

2271
01:38:09,050 --> 01:38:11,511
♪ hey're just stuck in reverse ♪

2272
01:38:11,678 --> 01:38:14,306
♪ Leave 'em under your wheels ♪

2273
01:38:14,472 --> 01:38:17,517
♪ Kick 'em all to the curb ♪

2274
01:38:17,684 --> 01:38:21,104
♪ Ooh, when this life
knocks you on your ass ♪

2275
01:38:21,271 --> 01:38:24,858
♪ Get up,
just keep coming back ♪

2276
01:38:25,025 --> 01:38:27,152
♪ Don't let it keep you down ♪

2277
01:38:27,319 --> 01:38:28,820
♪ Gotta keep going ♪

2278
01:38:28,987 --> 01:38:31,364
♪ Keep moving
in forward motion ♪

2279
01:38:31,531 --> 01:38:35,368
♪ Keep moving in
forward motion ♪

2280
01:38:35,535 --> 01:38:37,704
♪ Don't let nothing
ever slow you down ♪

2281
01:38:37,871 --> 01:38:39,205
♪ eep on ♪

2282
01:38:39,372 --> 01:38:41,833
♪ Hit the gas,
get your speed on ♪

2283
01:38:42,000 --> 01:38:45,420
♪ Never look back, no reason ♪

2284
01:38:45,587 --> 01:38:47,964
♪ No, no, nothing's gonna
stop you now ♪

2285
01:38:48,131 --> 01:38:51,635
♪ Stop you now, stop you,
stop-stop-stop you now ♪

2286
01:38:51,801 --> 01:38:54,137
♪ Stop you,
stop-stop-stop you now ♪

2287
01:38:54,304 --> 01:38:55,680
♪ Stop you, stop-stop ♪

2288
01:38:55,847 --> 01:38:57,557
♪ No, no, nothing's gonna
stop you now ♪

2289
01:38:57,724 --> 01:38:59,976
♪ So any time the drama comes ♪

2290
01:39:00,143 --> 01:39:02,520
♪ Don't let it get
anywhere near you ♪

2291
01:39:02,687 --> 01:39:05,106
♪ Just go and leave it
in the dust ♪

2292
01:39:05,273 --> 01:39:07,609
♪ Just disappearing
in the rearview ♪

2293
01:39:07,776 --> 01:39:10,487
♪ You're on a ride
that's just beginning ♪

2294
01:39:10,654 --> 01:39:13,156
♪ No, you got no limits ♪

2295
01:39:13,323 --> 01:39:15,575
♪ Oh, so just go with it ♪

2296
01:39:15,742 --> 01:39:17,661
♪ Don't let it get you down ♪

2297
01:39:17,827 --> 01:39:19,829
♪ Gotta keep going ♪

2298
01:39:19,996 --> 01:39:21,998
♪ Going, going ♪

2299
01:39:22,165 --> 01:39:24,334
♪ Gotta keep going ♪

2300
01:39:24,501 --> 01:39:27,504
♪ Going, going, going ♪

2301
01:39:27,671 --> 01:39:29,464
♪ Gotta keep going ♪

2302
01:39:29,631 --> 01:39:31,841
♪ Keep moving
in forward motion ♪

2303
01:39:32,008 --> 01:39:34,094
♪ Keep moving in
forward motion ♪

2304
01:39:34,260 --> 01:39:36,012
♪ Keep moving in forward ♪

2305
01:39:36,179 --> 01:39:38,515
♪ Don't let nothing
ever slow you down ♪

2306
01:39:38,682 --> 01:39:40,016
♪ eep on ♪

2307
01:39:40,183 --> 01:39:42,352
♪ Hit the gas,
get your speed on ♪

2308
01:39:42,519 --> 01:39:45,980
♪ Never look back, no reason ♪

2309
01:39:46,147 --> 01:39:48,066
♪ No, no, nothing's gonna
stop you now ♪

2310
01:39:48,233 --> 01:39:49,693
♪ Gotta keep going ♪

2311
01:39:49,859 --> 01:39:51,945
♪ Keep moving
in forward motion ♪

2312
01:39:52,112 --> 01:39:54,698
♪ Keep moving in
forward motion ♪

2313
01:39:54,864 --> 01:39:56,324
♪ Yeah ♪

2314
01:39:56,491 --> 01:39:58,702
♪ Don't let nothing
ever slow you down ♪

2315
01:39:58,868 --> 01:40:00,203
♪ eep on ♪

2316
01:40:00,370 --> 01:40:02,580
♪ Hit the gas,
get your speed on ♪

2317
01:40:02,747 --> 01:40:06,292
♪ Never look back, no reason ♪

2318
01:40:06,459 --> 01:40:08,962
♪ No, no, nothing's gonna
stop you now ♪

2319
01:40:09,129 --> 01:40:12,549
♪ Stop you now, stop you,
stop-stop-stop you now ♪

2320
01:40:12,716 --> 01:40:15,051
♪ Stop you,
stop-stop-stop you now ♪

2321
01:40:15,218 --> 01:40:16,594
♪ Stop you, stop-stop ♪

2322
01:40:16,761 --> 01:40:18,930
♪ No, no, nothing's gonna
stop you now ♪

2323
01:40:19,097 --> 01:40:22,726
♪ Stop you now, stop you,
stop-stop-stop you now ♪

2324
01:40:22,892 --> 01:40:25,103
♪ Stop you,
stop-stop-stop you now ♪

2325
01:40:25,270 --> 01:40:26,646
♪ Stop you, stop-stop ♪

2326
01:40:26,813 --> 01:40:29,941
♪ No, no, nothing's gonna
stop you now. ♪