Thread 8: Stories 46-60

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Warning: Shippy stuff (I promise, it ends on punchline though)
Canon debatable
>Applejack
"Rarity"
'???'
[???]
~~~~~
>Heya, Rares! Ya'll 're lookin' mighty fine today!

"Oh, thank you, Applejack. I've actually lost enough weight that I can move from this spot now!"

>Well tha's great! Tha's great... Can Ah talk to ya 'bout somethin' serious? 'tween you an' me.

"Well of course, darling. What's on your mind?"

>Ah notice you been gettin' close to Spike again an'... Well... Please. Ah hate to say this but please, slow down...

Applejack touches the band on her foreleg

>Ah'm sorry, Ah ain' ready to give him up. Ah ain' ever had anyone who cared fer my like he ever has an'... Ah'm sorry, nevermind, Ah'm bein' selfish.

"oh, Applejack. I wouldn't dream of taking Spikey from you. Not after you took so much better care of him than I ever did. But, I must apologize for my own selfishness if I do unconsciously try to win him back."

>He's not a bad catch.

"And you know, I would be lying if I didn't say I never thought of my own friends that way."

>... pardon?

"Polygamy, darling. It's legal."

Applejack turns beet red and slowly walks away, revealing a wide eyed Chrysalis who also slowly backs away

Later...

BOOM!

'POLYGAMY! POLYGAMY IS LEGAL!'

[FFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-!!!!]
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>42
"Chrysalis"
~~~~~~

>Majesty, you've been staring at that mug of coffee for an hour now. It has to be ice cold by now.

"Yeah, well, I'm still thinking."

>Highness...

"Ahhhh, fuck, I don't know 42. I feel like I need to be, like, smart and go talk to him again."

>Applejack assured me he appreciated your words when you last spoke.

"I know! But, damn... I just said whatever came to my mind, I didn't think about it."

>I tried to tell you about him, you could have prepared.

"I know! I just... Pfft, I don't know. He's still loyal, that's the worst thing! If someone pulled that shit on me, I'd rip their goddamn throat out! Especially over CAKE! It wasn't even that good a cake! I feel like I should say smart stuff to make him feel better, but..."

>But you don't want to know what smart-you thinks here, do you?

"...I just wanted to scare them."

>Did you?

"..."

>Well, I'll leave you to it. Whatever you choose, my Queen, I shall stand by you regardless.

"Thanks, 42. Anyone ever tell you you're kind of awesome sometimes? You are. You're my favorite Changeling for a reason."

>...Thank you, Majesty. Choose wisely.

Hours later, the mug was still sitting there.
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>Applejack
"Luna"
'Spike'

>Hey Luna. Ah didn't expect you to be in the kitchen. Trying to bake something? Why don't you have the cook do that?

"We are trying to test the application of moon sugar. We had plenty of it while we were on the moon and we think it could possibly be a healthy alternative to regular sugar. It can give one's magic more potency and a resistance to the cold, plus it tastes better, so we are using it to bake some cakes. The only problem with moon sugar is that you have to build up an immunity to it otherwise it will cause hallucinations. That's why we can only trust ourselves to bake it right. Otherwise somepony might accidentally ingest-"

Luna sees Applejack's face stare out into space in bewilderment.
"Uh oh.....um Applejack? Are you okay?"

>Yes Applebloom. Ah'm very fine. Ah've never noticed that you smelled like blue.

"Ooooh dear. How much cake did you have?"

>One

Luna pushes Applejack aside.

"We suppose it won't be too bad if you only ate one slice."
Notices that the cake isn't there.

"You ate the entire cake! We weren't even talking that long how did you-"
Luna turns around and sees that Applejack has disappeared.
"Applejaaack!"

~In the hallways~
'Oh hey, AJ. Going to sleep soon?'

>Wow, Ah've never seen a purple apple before...

"APPLEJACK, WHERE ARE YOU?! WE ARE USING THE CANTERLOT VOICE SO WE HOPE YOU CAN HEAR US! YOU ARE IN A SAFE PLACE SO FOLLOW THE SOUND OF OUR-"
Luna arrives to see Applejack engulfing Spike's head with her mouth.
"DEAR CELESTIA! RELEASE HIM!"
Luna uses her magic and separates them. Spike just stands there shaking uncontrollably .

"PURPLE ONE, ARE YOU OKAY?"

'Her mouth looked like...it unhinged itself. Then it...just went dark.'

"Don't worry little one. We can still fix this."

Applejack teleports away into thin air.

"Oooh boy..."
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>SA
"Chrysalis"
'???'
~~~~~

>Hey, Chrysalis? I'm looking at this receipt here, and it says you-WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING!?

"Like it? Two said she wanted to dress up like a superhero, and I wasn't about to let her outshine me! So I went and bought one first. Cool, huh?"

>Chrysalis, that is NOT a superhero costume!

"...Oh? What is it then?"

>A source of indecency in a world where everyone walks around NAKED! That's what it is! It looks like the sexy school-filly outfit ran headfirst into the circus stripper outfit, RAPED that circus stripper outfit, and then the resulting foal performed a fusion dance with a pile of lingerie!

"...Wait, wouldn't both of those be-"

>Horrifying! That's what they are!

"...Eeeesh, okay, um. Guess the partner reveal should wait, then?"

>...Partner?

'Oooooh, Shiny! Look at my cool outfit! Me and Chrysalis picked it out so we could be matching superheroes! Isn't it amazing!'

>...

'...Shiny?'

"Wow, that is a LOT of drool."

'He's not moving... or breathing. Oh, I didn't think they looked THAT bad!'

"Yep, think we broke him. C'mon, Caddy, let's go take these back to the-"

>NO!

"..."

'...'

>...I mean, uh, noooo. Let's... let's keep it around. Never know when we're going to need it. Let's... let's keep it around. For... reasons. Birthday reasons, maybe.

'..Oh! Okay! Glad you like it. I don't think I'll wear it too much, though, it rides up on me.'

>Oh, I would love to watch you take it off.

'What was that?'

>I said, well then you better go take it off! Don't want to accidentally tear it, right?

'Oh! Good idea. C'mon, Chrissy, I want to show 18 before we take them off.'

"You want to come too, Shiny?"

>No no.. I'll just sit here.

'In the middle of the hallway?'

>It's very comfortable.

'...Okay! If you say so. Bye!'

*After they both walk off*

>...Heart? It's me. You can start up again. They're gone. I haven't felt you for the last five minutes, and I'm getting worried... Heart?... shit.
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>29
"Robot"
'MM'
~~~~~~~

>...

"BZZZT! HELL-O worthless peon. IT IS I, MY YOR! I am in need of SERVICES!"

>...

"I require my SIGNATURE on all these papers, PLEASE! Do not worry, you have my FULL AUTHORIZATION, PEON!"

>...

"...BZZT! ERROR! TIME FOR COMPLIANCE HAS REACHED IT'S LIMIT! YOU ARE FIR-"

*Splash!*

"BZZTERRORLIQUIDINFILTRATINGSYSTEMERRRORERRORERROR-"

*BOOOM!*

>...

With snobbish roll of his eyes, he opened the closet, resulting a bound and gagged Mayor tumbling out.

'Oh thank goodness, you saw straight through that thing! How did you do it!? It was so convincing!'

>...

*CRACK!*

'GAH! Did you just face-hoof so hard you knocked yourself out!?...29? 29! Wake up! I need you to untie me! Please? I'll do the lip service thing!....29!'

>...

'...Please? I was in there a while. I have to use the bathroom.'

>...

'...Crap.'
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>SA
"42"
'Various'
~~~~~~

*BOOOOOOOOOM!*

>What the hell is going on out here!?

"Oh, hello Shining Armor. I am training a small platoon of our soldiers."

>Training!? THAT SIDE OF THE STADIUM IS GONE!

"Oh, that. Yeah, Shatterhoof and his shakes, you know how it is."

>LOOK OUT!

*BOOOM!*

>Was that a rocket!?

"Hm? Oh, yeah, sort of. Did you know we have crystals that ignite like rockets? We have those. They're sharp."

>Why!?

"Canterlot's guard are arming themselves, I see no reason we shouldn't. Our guys actually ahead of the Canterlot guard in discipline and safety, believe it or not. Heh, glad I've been here longer than 77's been around, eh? He's catching up fast, though, can't rest! But don't worry, it's all training stuff. They're just loaded with color bombs."

*BOOOM!*

>That just blew up that statue!

"Yeah, don't get hit with those. They sting."

>I thought you said they were doing well!

"They are! Didn't you see him hit that statue? Nailed it from half a mile back with no targeting system! I'm so proud."

*BOOOM!*

'MY LEG!'

"That means you're out, Crumbles! Don't be a baby about it!"

>...You know what? Have fun with this.

'CRACKLE NO! That's not stable-'

*BOOOOOOM!*

'That's fourteen points for our side!'

'DAMN IT CRACKLES!'

'...Wait, SHIT!'

*BOOOOOOOOOM!*

'HAH! That's FIFTY points for our side!'

'Oh shit, way to go Crackles!'

'It's just like on my favorite cartoon! CARTOONS ARE REAL!'

"Yeah, I think this is going to be fun."
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>Twilight
"77"
~~~~~
>Now, as I understand it, you suffer from a severe case of post-traumatic stress disorder, also known as 'Shell-shock'

"That's what they keep telling me, and according to Celestia and Applejack, you've decided you want to help."

>Yep, I've read all about psychology and am armed with a full array of medications and therapies to help you. but before we try anything chemical, let's start with some basic therapy exercises to help you through.

"Sounds good to me..."

Some hours later

>You certainly know your way around a brush and canvas, 77!

"Thanks, I actually did a bit of art back before the incident... Aaand done! What do you think?"

(See Image)

>...

"... Doctor? It's happening again..."

>... You know, I think you and Cheerlie should meet up sometime.
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>Twilight
"77"
'Cheerlie'
~~~~~
77 and Cheerlie are dancing across a bloody, ballroom floor. The wailing screams of a million innocent souls suffering orchestrates in the background with the gnashing of bones, the tearing of flesh, and the crackles of hellfire.

>I'm starting to think introducing the two of you was a bad idea!

77 dips Cheerlie

'Oh, you dance so divinely. Astaroth will be jealous.'

"You say that to every coal-shelled horror."

'Only the good looking ones. Would you care for a succubi ovary?'

>HELP ME! THEY'RE PULLING OUT MY SOUL!

"The only organ I would like in my mouth is your tongue."

'You charmer!'

As they kiss, the walls of the ballroom fall away revealing the infernal landscape stretching from horizon to horizon, and no demon born in hell could part the pair

NON CANON
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>AJ 18
"AJ 2"
~~~~~~~

>You ever feel underappreciated, Two?

"I might, if I knew what that was. Is that like feeling sneezy? I feel that all the time, but it never comes out."

>Seriously, sometimes I just want to freaking toss Cadence out the window.

"Shiny says he's the only one who's 'sposed to throw Caddy, I asked."

>I do all of her paperwork, but do I ever hear a thank you from her? No. Shiny has to do all the thanking, and he doesn't even thank me in the way I want to be thanked!

"Do you want to be thanked with Marchmalleys? I have Marchmalleys, I'll thank you with them. But I ate most o' the bag, I wish ya' had said somethin' sooner."

>I just feel neglected sometimes, you know?

"I know, sometimes I feel like my head is bigger."

>That's because you're upside down, Two. Be right side up.

"...Why?"

>...

"..Okay!"

*THUMP!*

"Wooo! Everythin's spinnin'!"

>Glad one of us is happy...

Anyone else might have pondered that tone, tried figure out how to best approach the situation, and acted accordingly.

Two wasn't much about pondering, though. She was more about hugs.

>Two...

"Thanks fer' helping Shiny. I didn't like it when he was so tired, it made me feel bad."

>...I'm not crying, damn it. You can't make me cry like that.

"Jus' promise you won't let Shiny get all tired again?"

>...Of course, never again.

"Yer' the best helper, 18. The very best."

She couldn't reply to the idea of her being the best at anything.

But she sure felt like it.
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>Shining Armor
"Spike"
'Poindexter'
[Chrysalis]
-18-
{Cadence}
~Rarity~
~~~~~~

>Hey, where's 42?

"She said something about needing to do her hair, then she jumped out the window and I haven't seen her since."

>So you brought your second marefriend?

"Oh, don't you start-"

'DAMN!'

>...

"..."

'...Just to clarify, that IS one of my many fet-'

*SMACK!*

'OW!'

~Thank you! How ghastly.~

{It's actually nice to have another girl who doesn't want to sleep with my husband here!}

'Wait, I though 42 said she didn't want to?'

The table broke into hysterics, save a confused Poindexter and an annoyed Shining Armor, and did not stop for several minutes.

-Good one, buddy.-

>You know, she might just want to be-

The laughter killed pretty much anything he was going to say after that.

>ANYWAY! Without 42, I can't use my standard character, and have to use my backup. That means no pre-emptive nookie, so-

~I use my advanced seduction trait on Shining Armor!~

{OH COME ON!}

>WHY!?

"Oh, shit, right. Her character is, uh... 'attached' to dragons. Picked the wroooong character for this one."

>SERIOUSLY!? Why didn't you warn me!?

His shit eating grin said it all.

[HAH! Getting crazy now!]

~Oh really, darling! It is just a bit of roleplaying, we're meant to pretend we somebody else! Pretend to be someone else entirely, I know I'm going to.~

>...FINE!

~Good, now, my character's seductive abilities are not for buffs, strictly morale for herself. Poor thing needs to work herself up to use her full stats, so if you don't mind, kindly use that nifty Chameleons Tail on yourself and change to a striking lavender?~

>Lavender? Why?

~It's the color of the head of the clan that... a-hem, broke her in, so to speak? She's quite attached to the color.~

>Oh... okay...

~Splendid! Now ravage me like a whore.~

>...What?

~I said, RAVAGE ME YOU MAJESTIC BEAST! HOLD ME DOWN! PUMP ME FULL OF ALL YOUR DRAGON GOODNESS!~

>Does everyone have to handle my figures like that?

*SMACK!*

>OW!

~ROLEPLAY!~

>Fine! Jeez. My character grabs hold of her, and-

*SMACK!*

>That hurts, damn it!

~What kind of gradeschool acting is this!? Get into it!~

>Rarity I think-

*SMACK!*

>FINE! I SLAM YOUR FUCKING CHARACTER INTO THE GROUND, SHOVE HER SNOUT INTO THE DIRT, HOOK A CLAW UNDER HER LEG AND I *DESTROY* HER ASS IN A FIT OF ABSOLUTE LIBIDO DRIVEN RAGEFUCKING! BETTER!?

~Much! Thank you so much. See? Isn't that much more fun?~

[It was for me!]

-Ten out of ten performance, Shiny!-

'Moved to tears, really.'

"That was equal parts unsettling and somehow hilarious all the same. How to react..."

{I think I hate this game.}

~...OH! I cut you off, Spike, this campaign is in Tristrom, right?~

"Specifically right in the middle of it."

~...Oh, so they-~

"Watched every second of that."

~...Good. I wanted them to watch.~

>...
"..."
'...'
-...-
{...}

[HAH! Okay, you're my new favorite DM partner, really.]

~Shall we enter the magical realm?~

[Lets!]
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>Big Mac
"DT"
~~~~~~

>Now missy, Ah' don't like it when ya' start causin' a ruckus around here.

"Hi, Applebloom's brother, right? Nice to see you again."

>Now don't go tryin' ta' be all sweet now. Ah'm not jus' gonna over-look this.

"Oh, I'm not being sweet. I'm surpressing. I'm surpressing all of the rage that is building, and building and buildingohnohereitcomes SWEETIE BELLE WERE YOU DROPPED ON THE HEAD AS A FOAL OR SOMETHING DON'T TOUCH THAT IT'S A ROCKET ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

>...So do ya'll want me ta' get ya' out of the tree?

"PLEASE. I WOULD ALSO LIKE A SHOVEL."

>...Nnnnoooppe.

"THEN THE TREE THING IS FINE. THANK YOU."
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>SA
"Rarity"
'Chrysalis'
[Poindexter]
{Twilight}
~~~~~
[so... no spike tonight, huh?]

>He said was sick

"Poor dearie, I hope he gets better. But what everyone else?"

'Eh, they probably wimped out. Let's get gaming!'

[But we don't even have a DM!]

>Spike said his substitute will be here soon...

The door flies open dramatically with smoke pouring into the room. In steps Twilight dressed in the regalia of a necromancer complete with a skull helm.

{sorry I'm late, I had to get my bone die ready.}

>...

"Twilight! ... What a charming outfit..."

'I do think she rocks the goth, cultist look.'

Twilight doesn't say a word and just sets up before clearing her throat.

{You all stand before the Cave of Ordeals-}

'I used my advanced initiative for a quickie with Shiny's Paladin!'

{sure you want that? You're a succubus.}

>Oh, shit.

'Hell yeah, I do! Do you know the bonuses I get?!'

{Alright...}

One graphic reenactment with the minatures and some discreet die rolls on Twilight's part...

{Shining Armor, you are now fallen for consorting peacefully with dark forces. Chrysalis, you have been stripped of your demonic powers for consorting with light forces. You are also pregnant because you lost the ability to control your ovulation cycle. And looking over some things from last session, Rarity, you had sex with the slime dragon and are now suffering from Nether Slime Rot, you take 1d4 con damage any time you need to urinate.}

'...'

"..."

[Shining... We're going to die, aren't we?]

>And knowing Twily... It's gonna be slow and painful.

{by the way, your wild, passionate sex screams have alerts a tribe of orcs and a tribe of kobolds to your presence, and a tribe of bugbears are tracking the scent of sex and will arrive in ten rounds.}
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>Spike
"Applejack"
'42'
~~~~~
Spike, AJ, and 42 walk into the game room and find Shining Armor foaming at the mouth, Poindexter unconscious on the floor, Rarity looking like she got smashed against the wall repeatedly, and Chysalis has a small fire burning on her head.

"Holy horse apples! Was there another robot attack?!"

>No... I asked Twilight to DM in my stead, she's a bit... hard core.

'You didn't tell her to go easy on them?'

Spike kneels down and checks pulses

>Their hearts are beating so it looks like she did.

Meanwhile, back in her lab Twilight proudly adds another skull to her TPK record.
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>Applejack
"Celestia"
~~~~~~~

*CRASH!*

>NOOOOOOOOOO!

*FWOOOSH!*

"...Oh sweet me, it finally happened, you snapped."

>Er, no, Ah'm fine.

"Applejack, help me out here. What part of "Blow my door off the hinges and launch a fireball into the bill I was drafting" was sane to you? No, really, I want you to find ONE piece of that sentence that had sanity therein. It's sanity free. It is the Cheerilee of sentences."

>Ah, well... Ah' heard from a certain someone that ya'll were making a certain something illegal, an' well... Ah' kind of want it ta' stay legal?

"...Applejack, do you have friends in the Polygraphing business I am unaware of? I'm sorry, but they're just useless as a lie detection method, it's been researched time and time again, and we need to move on. I'm only making it illegal for use with law enforcement and confessionals anyway. You're taking this "Element of Honesty" thing too far."

>....DAMN IT, CHRYSALIS!
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>Spike
"Shining Armor"
'chrysalis'
~~~~~
The door to Shiny's office is kicked in revealing Spike with a bottle of booze in his claw

>Shhhhhiny!

"Okay, Spike, knock that off. I know you can't really get drunk."

>... Do you have to ruin my fun? Can't I, know, at least have fun pretending.

"No. And besides, I, personally, was already disappointed enough that Twily and Celestia honestly let you play with dangerous weapons, but I'm drawing the line at alcohol! Give that bottle here!"

>C'mon! It doesn't even do anything worse than give me gas and taste like shit!

"I don't care! Everyone else has slacked off enough about keeping you from doing things inappropriate for your age-"

>Hey, I already slipped in the loophole that makes me age-of-consent!

"... There are so many thing wrong with that, I don't know where to start except: legal in Equestria, doesn't fly in my Empire. Now march your scaly ass back to the train!"

>Can I at least have the schnapps back?

"OUT!"

once Spike is gone, Shining Armor sighs.

"Now where am I going to dispose of- this?!"

Chrysalis has somehow wrest it from his grasp and already doing it

'I'm already on it!'

"Ugh..."

'I buck like a comet and drinks till I vomit! I'm drinkin', and sachshy Chrys!'
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