Thread 2: Stories 16-30

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>Ugh….

“Oh, yay! I know that sound! That’s a ‘someone kill me now’ sound, not a ‘blame Princess Celestia’ sound! Come in, come in, Applejack, what’s wrong?”

>Well, it’s about mah… um, ever since becomin’ an alicorn, my, uh, assets have gotten a tad bigger…

“A tad? My dear, they’ve positively blossomed, and quite nicely, if I do say so. It’s a standard perk of becoming a princess!

>Perk, huh? To y’all maybe. Ah already had big hips and a fat plot... havin' 'em doubled in size makes flyin' cumcbersome, Ah couldn't keep straight right for apples! And the starin’… ever since Ah started wearin’ them chaps y’all suggested, Ah’ve got the entire town oglin’ mah body like they'd rut me right then an' there! Ah feel foolish an’… an’ why’re y’all laughin’?

“N-no reason, dear, just remembering a funny story.”

>…

“Yes?”

>Y’all suggested them chaps on purpose! Ya knew this would happen!

“By the beard of Starswirl, I sure did. Might I suggest some tasteful socks?”
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>I'm going with the second pony's idea, I always like the idea of a local militia, long as they which end is the pointy one.

'Not my problem'

*A couple weeks pass*

>Hey Tia , I've got good news!'

'When will you leave me alo-wait, what?'

>Yeah, I've got reports about those monsters. They're saying they've managed to fend them off quite easily once they got the hang of it!

'That's nice, I guess.'

>One of the militias did so well that they have an excess of pelts and skins to sell. You thinking what I'm thinking?

'No, I already have 50 fur coats and hats'

>Not exactly what I had in mind, I was thinking we could open up to those other countries, y'know, trade for spices and tools..

'Yeah, I'm not all that interested'

>Did I mention all the sweets they could have?

'Sweets? Yes, I'm always in short supply of those.'

>Well, I was thinking of rewarding the militias, but I suppose we could share.
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"Fuck."

>Applejack! Such language!

"Stuff it, those Gryphons are going ta' send me up a wall."

>Now now, their queen is normally perfectly reasonable-

"She wants Spike."

>.....Please clarify before I hurl with such force I launch myself two continents over.

"She think's we're hoardin' too many super-weapons, and she wants one."

>Hoarding super-weapons!? That's absurd!

"An army of magic users, five Alicorns-and Ah'm not countin' Fluttershy- who can move mountains when we want, a host of magical artifacts like the Alicorn Amulet, and of course... Discord. Oh, and she's convinced we still have tha' Elements of Harmony."

>Well, when you put it like that, I guess we can spare..... what? Why are you looking at me like that?

"Ah'..... Ah' told her no! Ah' just said ya'll adopted him and she was essentially askin' you ta' give up family, and she backed off. Gryphons are huge on family after all."

>Uh huh.....

"Did ya'll really just-"

>Oh my, look at the time! It's 'never speak of this again' o' clock! My my, how the time flies!

"When he grows up with a complex, Ah'm blamin' you. "
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>Have we got tha' name situation under control?

>.....

>Don't even pretend ya' don't know that's a word!

>No no, I know, it's just... I'm not sure how to break it to you.

>....Jus' give it ta' me straight.

>It's Applejack. The name they chose is Applejack.

>....Which 'they'?

>All of them. All of the 'they' are now named Applejack. There are somewhere between fifty and eighty Applejacks in this room.

>.....

>Counting them is hard, I thought we established this?

>Why?

>Why what?

>Why'd they all want my name?

>I told them Queen Chrysalis was taken.

>.............I'mma go cry in the corner now. Can, Ah' just get, like, five minutes? Please?

>Sure, go right ahead.

>Thanks.

>.....Now, what's the word for "really helpful"? Because I nailed it!
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>So, how is it coming, Applejack?

>*every Changeling in unison" How's what coming?

>....No, I'm looking for Applejack.

>*IU* Yes?

>No no, Applejack.

>*IU* I am Applejack!

>The Applejack with the wings and horn.

>.......

>Okay, bad example. Looking for the orange one.

*Every Changeling shifts until they are orange colored*

>I-Ugh...

>I know, my... denizens ability to.... metamorphosis is quite.... majestic!

>Well, seems someone found the Thesaurus.

>It was actually way less impressive than I thought it was going to be.

>I am going to strangle Applejack, I swear it.

>*IU* GASP! NO!

>NOT! YOU!
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>Princess, Ah' have a question.

>Dance.

>...what?

>Dance. You, me, right now, we're gonna dance.

>....S'finally happened, Ah' drove ya' crazy. Ah am so sorry, Equestria!

>Nope, not crazy. Not insane, snapped, angry, stalling or anything. You've been on edge and doing nothing for months now, and you know what? When I get too stressed out, like I have been for... a while now, I dance. So you know what we're gonna do?

>Dance?

>We're gonna Applebucking dance. DISCORD! THE MARIACHI MUSIC!

*poof!*

>At once, my dear!

>...jes, humor her, Applejack, she probably ain't gonna hurt no one....

>And a one, two, three- ~It's all my faaault!~ ~Celestia's to blaaame!~ Da da da da!

>...hopefully.
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>Applejack.

>No.

>Applejack, you have to.

>Ah I don’t gotta do a buckin’ thing, actually.

>It’s your duty as a princess. Quit being so stubborn.

>Y’all must’ve forgot who Ah am. Princess Stubborn Flanks.

>It’s really not that bad—

>Oh the buckin’ hell it ain’t! There’s a bunch of pyromaniac Changelings all over the ballroom, Ah’ve lost track of whether that’s actually Shinin’ or some prop dummy thing, Cadance is about as useful as a bag full’a parasprites, Chrysalis’s vocabulary extends to ‘bout one hundred words- an’ half of ‘em are her own buckin’ name, and Ah’ve got the liaison from the Griffin territory clawin’ mah back to set up joint greetin’ between them and Saddle Arabia!

>Then might I make a suggestion?

>WHAT?

*sweeps all the paperwork to the floor, replaces it with cake*

>In the next ten minutes, I’m going to show you that all your problems can be solved with cake, dear Applejack.

>...Yer nothin’ but a bad influence on me.

>I see you’re digging into that cake, tho’.
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> = Princess Applejack
"..." = Celestia
'...' = Chrysalis
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>Celestia!

“...One day I swear I’m going to build another castle elsewhere, move, and tell nobody where I’ve gone. Yes, Applejack? What news have you from the hellish pits of tartarus this time?”

>Ah’m a mite confused about this educational system y’all got here.

“Oh Starswirl, help me, she’s even brought crates of paperwork, I just… What’s not to your liking then?”

>Nothin' is. It seems the fillies and colts start schoolin’ at around six, makes sense, same fer me but after three or so years they jus’… it’s blank. No more schoolin’. Ah’m at a loss. What happens after that?

“...Uh...Well, obviously after that they, erm...it’s a complicated system, really, and I don’t-

>Y’all don’t have the slightest clue, do ya?

“Not a one.”

>How can you not know? Y'all made the system! All the paperwork with the allowed curriculum has yer hoofprint on it, Celestia!

“To be completely honest, I don’t even remember half the rules I've set into motion.”

>UGH!

“Oh dear, you’ve popped a blood vessel.”

>YA THINK?

‘What’s going on here? What’s all the yelling about?’

>Oh fer cryin’ out loud, go away, Chrysalis, we’re discussin’ our schools educational system. Or lack thereof, apparently!

‘…’

>Fuckin’- what do y’all do with those dictionaries? Eat ‘em? It means lessons fer our schools!

‘Oooooh, well why didn’t you say so! I’m an expert at teaching!’

“Are you really?”

>No, she’s not. Her name is half her species vocabulary, she couldn’t teach a dolphin to swim!

‘Dolls don’t have fins, Applejack, they have legs. See? I just taught you something right there!’

>AAAGH!

“And there goes the other eye. I think it’s time we, uh, just let this be.”

>Ah blame you, Celestia.

‘Blame rhymes with rain! I’m full of lessons to teach!’

(2/2)
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"Princess Applejack, Your Highness-"

>What is it, Raven?

"I... would I be imposing on you if I spoke my opinion in this affair?"

>Go ahead, please. If you have some sort of magical solution that will suddenly give all eighty Applejacks some sort of individuality, Ah might split part of my cake budget to fund your vacation to Hinnny-ti.

"I've read some of the reports sent by Princess Twilight concerning your days in Ponyville, when Princess Twilight was just a unicorn. A certain incident regarding Applebucking season, if I remembering correctly."

>Darn it, Celestia. I told you to lock those reports with a higher security clearance, still not listening... So?

"I'll cut it short. You should delegate some of your duties regarding the Queen. It's becoming clear you cannot handle all of them by yourself."

>... Pffft! Hahahahaha, oh, Raven, that was good. Phew-y! That was good.

"Princess?"

>That was actually the reason Celestia made me a Princess, to split part of her duties to the only p0ny who knew how to get some work done. Instead, I kept piling more work on her because I was getting a bit too eager. Perhaps I wasn't much of a good leader and was just lucky everything went fine until now?

"That is the reason I am the secretary of both you and Princess Celestia, Your Highness. To organize and assist in the affairs. I may also have an idea regarding the changelings."

>Do tell.

"The reason all the changelings chose your name as theirs is because you are the only other individual the changelings have interacted so far. If we were to expose them to a more varied team of caregivers, it would help develop their sense of individuality."

>I like what I hear so far. You know the castle staff better. Would you be up to creating a caregiving task force for the changelings?

"Of course, Your Highness."
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>The Queen will still be my responsibility. I would have to personally tutor them.

"A wise decision, Your Highness, but that still poses a question on the budget constraints that comes with taking care of them. Your cake budget has been increasing steadily over the last year, and even with all the cake budget put into the caregiving we may come short in this fiscal year, at least until a new budget is approved."

>I guess you have a suggestion for that issue as well?

"The Crystal Empire operates on the abundance of Love, so sending a few changelings down there would ensure their survival and well being. I have a list of candidates chosen at random, comprising about eight of them, Your Highness."

>... Wouldn't Cadance and Armor object to the idea, considering their past... interactions with the changelings?

"If they were to rule the Crystal Empire as independent sovereigns, taking care of these changelings and fostering inter-species relations would be a good starting point for their experience."

>Then it's settled. Provide me with a list of possible caregivers and the paper work needed to send the changelings. I will explain the situation to them myself, right now. See you in an hour.

"Of course, Your Highness. I will meet you there."

---------------------------------------------

"......"
"Mmmmf! Mmmmf... Mmrrmm... Mmmm..."
"... I am deeply sorry for your incarceration, my dear Raven, but I think it's about time Shining Armor be reunited with his son and come to his senses."
"Mhhhmmm...Nmmmm..."
"The dictionary you lent me has been most helpful. For that price alone I may be willing to provide you with a surrogate companion of your size, should you ask. I fear you should stay here for another day, however."
"Mmmm! Mmmmm! Hmm-"

"Incarceration... in-car-cer-a-tion... rolls in the tongue... mmm..."
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>Heya Shinin' Armor, hate to disrupt the trainin' exercises, but there are a coupla discrepancies here in yer budget.

KEEP FIRING! AIM FOR CENTER MASS! REMEMBER TO CALL YOUR RE-LOADS AND CO-ORDINATE SUPPRESSIVE FI... Oh! Hello Princess, what's the problem?

>Ah figure it's probably a clerical error or sumthin', but you're overbudget by %40,000 percent this month. Figure maybe one of your folks misplaced some zeros?

Let me take a look... m'hmm... yep yep... that's right...

Nope, everything's right there!

>WHAT THE HAY! HOW ARE YOU THAT FAR OVER?! Gimme that back!

*Applejack looks over the papers*

>150,000 bits for 'bolter rounds'? a quarter million bits fer a "Hoofstrike pattern boltgun"? FOUR HUNDRED THOUSAND FOR 'TERMARENATOR ARMOR'?!!

Actually that last one's an installment plan, we'll have it paid for in only 98 more months!

>.... How in the hay can somethin' even COST so much in the first place?!

Well I talked it over with Twily and she got me in touch with some unicorn artisans, we have 800 of them working around the clock to get this stuff made! I drew all the plans myself!

>Where's the normal gear? Helmets, chestplates, spears? The stuff y'all are TRAINED ta use?

They don't use that stuff in Hyperspace Hyperwars! We need to advance our tactics and equipment Princess! Besides, look, they're training with the new weapons right now. FIRE IN BURSTS TO CONSERVE AMMO! Those bullets are like 40 bits each.

>Yer... Yer seriously basin' our new military equipment around yer silly little dollset!?

T-They aren't dolls! They are serious models for serious tacticians! General Clawthroat of the Griffon kingdoms plays it too! I'm facing his Slurgenoid army next week...

>Ya damned fool, Ah'm cancellin' all this! We'll be bankrupt within the month if we keep spendin' at this rate, even if Ah slash every cake budget AND reserve cake budget!

But... But...

>No butts!

*Whistles loudly*

>ALRIGHT EVERYPONY, END THE EXERCISE, WE'RE RETURNIN EVERYTHING.
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>......

"......."

>.......

"Aren't you going to ask about this?"

>........Er.... Shining Armor....

"You're not, are you?"

>Jus'....just promise me it's not a sex thing.

"It's not a sex thing."

>Okay, that is both a relief.... and pretty depressing.

"To be honest, I'm not *surprised* that you're more worried that I'm trying to hang myself to get off instead of... you know, the real reason, but I am nontheless more resolved to go through with it."

>Ya' know Twi'll just punch the reaper itself and get ya' back, ya' get that right?

"Applejack, I'll be frank with you. I want that. I want some pony to care about me enough to actually do something like that. I would honestly prefer if it was my WIFE who was so concerned about my safety she asked why I needed a noose and a step-stool, but you know what? I'll take whoever. I just want someone, ANYONE, to care and pay attention to me. I am that childish."

>.....Well have fun with that! I'm teachin' Applejack's 24 through 53 how ta' play soccer today. Cadence said we could use yer' stadium. And yer' ball.

"The signed ball I've had since I was eight?"

>Ah' guess?

"Of course she did... of course she did. Have fun with that."

>Will do!

"...and she just walks away.... because she knows I'm not going to do it, of course I'm not going to-OH SHIT!"

*chair slipping noise*
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>Don't eat the god-dang ball!

"But it's just sooo tasty! There is so much love attached to this ball!"

>Well still, we only got the one!

'Princess Applejack, Applejack is hogging the ball!'

"Nuh uh!"

'Yuh huh!'

>No, Applejack number... whatever the hay you are, is right. Ya'll are hogging it. And trying ta' eat it.

"You say that like it's a bad thing!"

>...Ah figured Ah' was bein' clear there.

'Princess Applejack, I wanna eat the ball next! give me a turn!'

>This was the dumbest Idea.
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>No, other Celestia, I'm sure they'll come around eventually!

"....Princess?"

>Applejack! How are you?

"Pretendin' ta' be crazy ain't gonna stop the questions."

>I'd ask you to let me dream, but my sister has seen to that never happening.

"Jus' wanted ta' ask a question about the Wonderbolts."

>Because my sanity can clearly take it.

"How many are there?"

>....I beg your pardon?

"How many are there? I see, like, three at a time, but there were over a dozen at the Gala."

>How should I know? Really Applejack, while I am overseeing the vast majority of my kingdom, minute details such as how many individuals on a sports team there are seem quite petty.

"...Aren't they our airforce?"

>....It's never really explained.

"Anyway, Ah' was jus' askin' you because, well... Spitfire ain't kept no records. She says paperwork is hard."

>Ugh.

"...And also, they're eatin' up a nifty chunk of our military budget."

>Uuuugh!

"Aaand... there's a bunch of complaints about team unity in here."

*pop*

"....Ah."

>Apple family tradition, Applejack. Kindly exit the room.

"Ah'll.... Ah'll get it under control."

>I thank you.
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>Alright, Applejack, give it to me straight.

"Ya' sure ya' want it straight up? Ah' can sugar-coat it for you."

>That you would even offer fills me with more dread than you can imagine.

"Alright, the results were about twenty ta' one."

>....what?

"We put five Applejacks up against one hundred of our soldiers, and the Applejacks won."

>What?

"Though Ah' don't know if we should be so hard on some of them, Applejack forty two is a scrappy little bugger. Just dove right into the crowd and went berserk."

>You're telling me ONE HUNDRED of our soldiers couldn't handle FIVE Changelings?

"No no, our soldiers won!... barely. Only one of our guys was still standin', and Ah'm pretty sure he was hidin' for most of it."

>I just....Ugh, how could this have gotten so bad?

"Well, you DID put a unicorn who only knows shield spells in charge of trainin' them... shield spells only he can use, mind."

>So what you're saying is...."

"Ah' ain't gonna say it, but we both know what Ah'm thinking."