I'd Be Lost Without My Stalker

I’d Be Lost Without My Stalker

The thing you don’t know, is how much it turns me on.
Knowing you’re out there, in the woods just beyond my line of sight. In the small grove across the street from my apartment. The next aisle in the grocery store.
You make me feel safe. Protected. Because I know you would do anything for me. If I were ever in danger you would be the first to rescue me.
You’d be the only one who’d rescue me. And you would do it every single time.
I walk through the center of town fearless because of you.

Do you know what it means to me to feel like that? To feel strong? Like there’s a shield around me?
I’ve always been alone. You are the first person in my *** years who makes me feel protected.
Most of all, though, you make me feel wanted.
Before I met you, I was a ghost in this world.

And when you aren’t around I still am. In the office I’m the shy girl in the demurrer grey skirt.
I’m the one who refills the coffee pots while people who matter talk about things that matter.
I’m the one who could enter and exit the room a dozen times before anyone notices the air move.

Last month I went to a club dressed like a common whore. You could see my nipples, and I had a camel toe that would’ve made a Kardashian envious.
No one so much as offered to buy me a drink.

I wasn’t always this way.
There was a time when I did matter. Even to myself. There was a time….[voice drifts off]

It’s not hitting rock bottom that hurts. It’s the bounces.
Everyone has their limit. I hit mine.
As my ex would say, I tapped out.
Hey, happens to the best of ‘em.

But you.
You would have bought me that drink. You would have bought me that drink and swept me onto the dance floor…
You would have held me up when I needed it most.
You want me.
Even if you never let me see your face.
Except that I do.
I’ve learned your movements nearly as well as you’ve learned mine.
I saw you for the first time last month. I was walking back from my yoga class, and I saw your reflection in a storefront window. When I turned you were gone, but it was enough.
Salt and pepper hair cut close, like a boxer. Stubble the same color. A square jaw and deep brown eyes.
That’s what got me the first time: Your eyes. Like looking into my soul. Into the deepest parts of me.

I see your face when I’m alone in the dark.
I see it when I’m on my way to work, gazing absently at the passing scenery.
I see it when I’m all alone.
I see it in my most vulnerable moments. Then most of all.
Could you possibly imagine how you make me feel?

[slowly, w great emotion and feels] I’ve made love to you in my fantasies.
I’ve felt you…all of you…all of myself. I’ve felt how…[trail off in a moan]

Other times we didn’t make love.
Other times, we were ravenous. We were animals. Inhuman. But in those moments our most human.

I’ve been cornered by you in the woods on my way home from the park.
You dragged me behind a tree, legs flailing helplessly, like a schoolgirl about to be punished.
I’ve thrashed, and fought, and struggled.
I’ve tried to scream
You slapped a hand over my mouth to muffle me.
Because you knew.
You knew my resistance would be a complete fantasy and yet completely genuine.
Knowing I want you to take me that way.
Knowing I want to feel you tear at my jogging shorts, tear at my little cotton panties, rake your fingernails across the backs of my thighs as you….[trail off with an exquisite moan]

Do you know that I actually want what you want?
Do you know that I would give every part of myself? That my resistance would be…delicious?

There’s the rub, though. I’m afraid if you found out that I am yours, the danger would be gone and you would lose interest.
I’m afraid that without the risk, I’m just the same old ghost to him.
I can’t lose him.

I WON'T lose him.

No matter what.

I would be lost without my Stalker.