Bruce Almighty (2003)

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1
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Ally, can we get recap?

2
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You remember the Kowolskis.

3
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They've owned this shop for 30 years,
and they are attempting to set a record

4
00:00:47,163 --> 00:00:51,398
by making Buffalo's largest cookie.
And you have to wear this.

5
00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:52,900
- A hair net?
- Health department.

6
00:00:52,901 --> 00:00:54,526
- You're kidding me.
- If you're working around the cookie,

7
00:00:54,604 --> 00:00:55,904
you have to have it on.
It's the law.

8
00:00:55,946 --> 00:00:59,116
I just did the hair.
The hair is perfect.

9
00:00:59,120 --> 00:01:00,579
All right. Give it to me.

10
00:01:03,396 --> 00:01:06,899
God, why do you hate me?

11
00:01:06,983 --> 00:01:09,443
We're rolling. And speed.

12
00:01:09,819 --> 00:01:12,654
For three decades,
the Kowolski family bakery

13
00:01:12,739 --> 00:01:15,491
has been a mainstay
in downtown Buffalo,

14
00:01:15,575 --> 00:01:19,578
known for their sinfully sweet,
cream-filled Polski Pierogis,

15
00:01:19,662 --> 00:01:23,457
and the occasional sugar-induced
coma that follows.

16
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But today, in honor of
their 30th anniversary,

17
00:01:26,503 --> 00:01:30,923
they've invited us to ride along
as they go for the record

18
00:01:31,007 --> 00:01:33,592
on Buffalo's biggest cookie.

19
00:01:36,012 --> 00:01:40,015
Vol. Vol. You need a
tissue or something?

20
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:42,726
Can we get Vol a tissue
or a spoon?

21
00:01:42,811 --> 00:01:44,561
It's a good thing
we're wearing these today,

22
00:01:44,646 --> 00:01:46,146
'cause I wouldn't want
any stray hairs

23
00:01:46,231 --> 00:01:48,148
to fall into the booger.

24
00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:51,026
Are we gonna do this again?
No. We can cut to B-roll.

25
00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:57,199
Moving on! So tell me, Mama. Why
make Buffalo's biggest cookie?

26
00:01:57,283 --> 00:02:00,494
Well, man from health department

27
00:02:00,578 --> 00:02:06,041
say he find rat pellet in our
pastry, but I say, "No."

28
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:11,839
ls big chocolate sprinkle.
But he shut store down.

29
00:02:11,923 --> 00:02:16,051
So we clean up, make big cookie

30
00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:19,888
for to bring customers back.

31
00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:24,017
Well, I admire your candor.
Let's try that again, shall we?

32
00:02:24,102 --> 00:02:28,897
So tell me, Mama. Why make
Buffalo's biggest cookie?

33
00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:33,318
So the children of the
neighborhood will be happy?

34
00:02:33,403 --> 00:02:38,282
That's right. It must be wonderful
seeing the smiles on their little faces.

35
00:02:38,366 --> 00:02:40,826
I work in back.
I see no smiles.

36
00:02:43,788 --> 00:02:46,790
The previous Buffalo record
was eight feet, seven inches,

37
00:02:46,875 --> 00:02:48,333
baked by Gladys Pelsnick.

38
00:02:48,418 --> 00:02:51,503
If this cookie beats Gladys's,
it will prove once and for all

39
00:02:51,588 --> 00:02:53,964
that the Kowolskis
have much more free time.

40
00:02:54,048 --> 00:02:57,676
And the cookie is 10 feet,
four inches.

41
00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:00,679
We have a new record!

42
00:03:00,763 --> 00:03:04,224
Cue the cheesy
inspirational music!

43
00:03:21,492 --> 00:03:24,161
But what are we
really looking at here?

44
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Is it just a big cookie, or does this
cookie represent the pride of Buffalo,

45
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its dedicated and hardworking
citizens the key ingredient,

46
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with a few nuts thrown in,

47
00:03:35,965 --> 00:03:40,802
and, finally, the love of our families,
which provides the warm, chewy center,

48
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making our beloved Buffalo
the sweetest place to live.

49
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And that's the way
the cookie crumbles.

50
00:03:48,353 --> 00:03:53,315
I'm Bruce Nolan, Eyewitness News.
And cut it.

51
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What do you think?

52
00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:59,780
I think it's really good.
It sucks.

53
00:03:59,864 --> 00:04:01,615
It's a story about a cookie.

54
00:04:01,699 --> 00:04:04,409
The Pillsbury Doughboy
will be riveted.

55
00:04:04,994 --> 00:04:07,412
Honey, it was funny.
It made me laugh.

56
00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:09,414
There's nothing wrong
with making people laugh.

57
00:04:09,499 --> 00:04:11,667
I'll never be an anchorman,
not with this.

58
00:04:11,751 --> 00:04:13,471
The job's right there,
but I can't reach it,

59
00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:15,545
because every time
they make me do this stuff,

60
00:04:15,630 --> 00:04:18,507
I have to act like a total
goof in order to make it work.

61
00:04:18,591 --> 00:04:22,052
I have no credibility.
Not good. Not good.

62
00:04:22,136 --> 00:04:23,553
You know what? Now you're
just sounding silly.

63
00:04:23,638 --> 00:04:24,638
Know what? Forget it.

64
00:04:24,722 --> 00:04:27,266
It's not important, right?
It's not important.

65
00:04:27,350 --> 00:04:29,142
Let's watch it one more time.
Oh, no.

66
00:04:29,227 --> 00:04:31,353
Just once more. Please?
No. No.

67
00:04:31,437 --> 00:04:35,023
Bruce, you promised you
would help with this album.

68
00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:37,484
Now, you get
your goofy butt over here.

69
00:04:39,362 --> 00:04:40,362
Uh-uh.

70
00:04:41,781 --> 00:04:43,031
Okay.

71
00:04:44,450 --> 00:04:48,036
Okay. Okay. Now, you just
go through this stack,

72
00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:50,205
and you pick your favorites.

73
00:04:54,419 --> 00:04:57,462
Oh, come on. This is fun.
Right? Isn't this fun?

74
00:04:57,547 --> 00:04:58,880
This is nice.

75
00:04:59,882 --> 00:05:01,802
Evan's gonna get that
anchor job, I just know it.

76
00:05:01,884 --> 00:05:03,510
Ah, Bruce!
He's the favorite.

77
00:05:03,594 --> 00:05:06,074
All right. You know what? Just forget it.
Let's just forget it.

78
00:05:06,097 --> 00:05:10,475
This is just our life. We can always
just have some kid do it for us.

79
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:16,148
Whoa! Hold the phone! I like this one.
Our weekend at the lake.

80
00:05:16,232 --> 00:05:18,792
How did you get that? That's
supposed to be in our private stash.

81
00:05:18,901 --> 00:05:21,987
You look perky, hon. It must've been cold.
All right. Just give it to me.

82
00:05:22,071 --> 00:05:23,471
I think I'll put this
on my computer

83
00:05:23,489 --> 00:05:24,781
and use it as wallpaper.
No, no, no.

84
00:05:24,866 --> 00:05:26,992
Okay. Give it to me. Come on!
No, no, no.

85
00:05:27,076 --> 00:05:31,079
All right. Fine. Do with it what you will.
I don't care.

86
00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:33,790
I will do with it what I will.
Jesus.

87
00:05:35,752 --> 00:05:38,253
You know, I might even
send this in to Playboy.

88
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:42,132
I hear their layouts can be quite tasteful.
Give that to me right now!

89
00:05:42,216 --> 00:05:43,300
Jesus.
Right now!

90
00:05:43,384 --> 00:05:45,677
Rough stuff!
I'm gonna hurt you...

91
00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:53,018
Sweetie? Time to get up.

92
00:05:55,772 --> 00:05:58,482
Good dream. No. No.

93
00:06:07,617 --> 00:06:11,995
Well, the Buffalo Sabres lost again last night
at the hands of the Toronto Maple Leafs.

94
00:06:12,121 --> 00:06:15,165
It was a shootout on the ice for our home...
Of course. They're my team.

95
00:06:15,249 --> 00:06:17,417
And that's the way
the cookie crumbles.

96
00:06:17,502 --> 00:06:20,379
You know, I think there might be
something to this cookie line.

97
00:06:20,463 --> 00:06:23,590
All the greatest anchors have had
their own signature sign-off,

98
00:06:23,674 --> 00:06:26,218
like Wal-ter Cron-kite.

99
00:06:27,970 --> 00:06:33,433
And that's the way it was. That's
the way the cookie crumbles.

100
00:06:33,518 --> 00:06:37,312
And that's the way...
l like it...

101
00:06:39,774 --> 00:06:42,234
Oh, no. Grace, the dog!

102
00:06:42,318 --> 00:06:43,944
I'm in the shower!

103
00:06:47,740 --> 00:06:50,409
No, Sam! Bad dog!

104
00:06:50,493 --> 00:06:55,038
Inside, bad. Outside, good.

105
00:06:59,502 --> 00:07:02,337
Oh, you're done now. Great.

106
00:07:03,047 --> 00:07:06,133
B-E-A-utiful.

107
00:07:07,552 --> 00:07:10,429
Come on. Let's go back
inside and have a shit.

108
00:07:15,852 --> 00:07:19,354
What is the deal-io?
We are having a blood drive.

109
00:07:19,939 --> 00:07:21,481
Creepy. Needles. Yuck.

110
00:07:21,566 --> 00:07:24,526
Well, they need my blood.
I have a very rare blood type.

111
00:07:24,610 --> 00:07:26,945
I'm AB positive.
Really?

112
00:07:27,029 --> 00:07:28,363
I'm IB positive.

113
00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:32,617
I be positive, they ain't touching
me with no needle. It's just so...

114
00:07:32,702 --> 00:07:36,246
Helpful and lifesaving? No.
It's your blood. It's blood.

115
00:07:36,330 --> 00:07:39,207
Blood's supposed to stay inside the body.
That's where it's meant to be.

116
00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:41,877
Besides, they stockpile this
stuff in a warehouse somewhere.

117
00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:44,713
It's all frozen on ice, and they
tell everybody there's a shortage.

118
00:07:44,797 --> 00:07:47,174
That's just not true.
Where did you hear that?

119
00:07:47,258 --> 00:07:49,759
From a very reliable
friend of a friend of a girl,

120
00:07:49,844 --> 00:07:52,846
whose sister's going out with someone
very high up in the government.

121
00:07:52,930 --> 00:07:55,370
But for your own protection, I
cannot discuss it at this time.

122
00:07:55,391 --> 00:07:57,017
Now, get out
before they see us together.

123
00:07:57,101 --> 00:07:58,310
Oh, no.

124
00:08:01,397 --> 00:08:04,858
Oh. Here. Hold on a second.
You need these more than I do.

125
00:08:04,942 --> 00:08:07,235
What is these?
Prayer beads.

126
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:11,239
The kids made them for me.
They will keep you safe.

127
00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:12,657
I hope they're powerful.

128
00:08:12,742 --> 00:08:16,244
I'm gonna need a frigging
miracle to get to work on time.

129
00:08:26,797 --> 00:08:30,759
This isn't happening. Not now.
Not during sweeps week.

130
00:08:30,843 --> 00:08:33,678
Not during sweeps week!

131
00:08:34,931 --> 00:08:36,598
Oh, God.

132
00:08:37,475 --> 00:08:40,268
Yeah. Yeah.
Meeting's started without me.

133
00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:43,396
This is my luck.
This is my luck!

134
00:08:45,733 --> 00:08:47,234
Shit.

135
00:08:49,403 --> 00:08:51,863
Oh, come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on!

136
00:08:55,326 --> 00:08:59,454
Jesus. Get out of there!

137
00:09:03,918 --> 00:09:07,462
"R Ewe Blind."
No, but I'm late.

138
00:09:09,090 --> 00:09:12,217
Is your child in dire jeopardy?

139
00:09:12,301 --> 00:09:14,052
Find out tonight after the game.

140
00:09:14,136 --> 00:09:15,595
Okay. Promos are approved.

141
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,180
Now, let's...
Uh, Jack,

142
00:09:17,265 --> 00:09:19,516
shouldn't we be focusing
on Pete's retirement?

143
00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:20,800
I mean, this is his last week.

144
00:09:20,851 --> 00:09:23,311
Yeah, Jack. Any word on
the open anchor position?

145
00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:26,439
Evan, when I know something,
you'll know something.

146
00:09:27,149 --> 00:09:30,193
Sorry I'm late. Traffic was...

147
00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:34,114
Did you guys already play the spots?
It's a nice story, Bruce,

148
00:09:34,198 --> 00:09:36,074
but we're gonna go
with Evan's piece,

149
00:09:36,158 --> 00:09:39,369
sex scandal in the mayor's
office for sweeps.

150
00:09:39,453 --> 00:09:42,664
Oh, yeah. Sweeps.

151
00:09:44,125 --> 00:09:46,960
And that's the way
the cookie crumbles.

152
00:09:48,296 --> 00:09:50,255
I'm just messing with you, Bruce.

153
00:09:50,339 --> 00:09:56,761
See, you just got to remember that
the newsroom is like a big cookie.

154
00:09:58,514 --> 00:10:00,640
Do you like jazz, Evan?
Yeah.

155
00:10:00,725 --> 00:10:02,350
Let me play something for you.

156
00:10:09,525 --> 00:10:12,611
I can hold that note all day, buddy.
Knock it off, guys.

157
00:10:12,695 --> 00:10:14,863
Bruce, we're gonna
keep your story in reserve.

158
00:10:14,947 --> 00:10:16,364
Now, can we get back to the board,

159
00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:19,159
so we'll have something
to put on the air today?

160
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:22,537
Great choice, Jack. This is
the Cadillac of bolognas.

161
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:25,165
Okay. Thanks. Jack, can
I talk to you a second?

162
00:10:25,249 --> 00:10:27,792
Yeah. Sure, Bruce. What do you need?
Sweeps.

163
00:10:27,877 --> 00:10:30,462
Bruce. Jack. Jack!
Hear me out here.

164
00:10:30,546 --> 00:10:31,921
I'm starting
to get desperate, man.

165
00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:34,382
I'm pushing 40, and what
have I got to show for it?

166
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,134
I've hit some kind
of a ceiling here.

167
00:10:36,218 --> 00:10:38,803
There's an anti-Bruce barrier
I can't get past.

168
00:10:38,888 --> 00:10:42,182
And Evan is loving it,
by the way. Loving it.

169
00:10:42,266 --> 00:10:46,186
He gets the stories. He gets on sweeps.
Maybe I should be more like Evan.

170
00:10:46,270 --> 00:10:48,730
You don't wanna be like Evan.
Evan's an asshole.

171
00:10:48,814 --> 00:10:51,650
I can be an asshole.
No, Bruce. You can't.

172
00:10:56,572 --> 00:10:59,407
You gonna pick that up? Yeah. I'm sorry.
It's... I'm losing it.

173
00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:02,994
It's just this whole anchor thing
opening up has got me nuts.

174
00:11:03,079 --> 00:11:04,079
Hi, Susan.

175
00:11:04,163 --> 00:11:05,955
Hi, Susan.
Hi, Jack.

176
00:11:07,541 --> 00:11:10,669
Look, Bruce. You're a good reporter.
You make people laugh.

177
00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:17,801
All right. I'll tell you what. Today is the
156th anniversary of the Maid of the Mist.

178
00:11:17,885 --> 00:11:19,886
I want you at Niagara Falls
in an hour.

179
00:11:19,970 --> 00:11:22,681
Maid of the Mist?
That's always live.

180
00:11:23,766 --> 00:11:25,350
But Evan always does live feeds.

181
00:11:25,434 --> 00:11:28,228
Now you and Evan
get the live feeds.

182
00:11:28,312 --> 00:11:31,731
I'm going live? During sweeps?
But watch your step, Bruce.

183
00:11:31,857 --> 00:11:36,027
I've seen your outtakes. Jack,
you will not regret this.

184
00:11:36,112 --> 00:11:39,823
And I won't forget you when I go national.
Uh, can you...

185
00:11:41,283 --> 00:11:42,742
Thanks, pal.

186
00:11:43,828 --> 00:11:47,580
Can I have your wish now? I'm gonna
put it in the wish jar. Thank you.

187
00:11:47,665 --> 00:11:49,874
Okay. Put your wish in there.
Me too.

188
00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:53,795
Put your wish in there. Look at that.
Looks like a big wish.

189
00:11:53,879 --> 00:11:57,006
Oh, no, no. Oh, no. Martin, don't...
Don't eat that. Don't eat that.

190
00:11:57,091 --> 00:12:00,176
Don't put that in your mouth.
That's paste, honey.

191
00:12:01,971 --> 00:12:05,724
That must've tasted awful.
Mommy!

192
00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:09,728
Oh, Zoe-Baboey! Did you have a
good time with Aunt Crazy today?

193
00:12:09,812 --> 00:12:13,398
Yeah? See how nice this is?
Baby on the hip?

194
00:12:13,482 --> 00:12:15,275
Oh, it's amazing.
You've become Mom.

195
00:12:15,359 --> 00:12:17,902
The transformation is complete.

196
00:12:19,029 --> 00:12:20,447
Oh.
I'll get it.

197
00:12:20,531 --> 00:12:22,240
- Small Wonders Day Care.
- Grace?

198
00:12:22,324 --> 00:12:24,826
No. It's Debbie, the sister
whose life you're not wasting.

199
00:12:24,952 --> 00:12:27,912
Oh, all right. Okay, okay, okay.
Bye, Debbie!

200
00:12:27,997 --> 00:12:32,917
Hi. Hi. Sorry. Debbie forgot to
take her meds today. Where are you?

201
00:12:33,002 --> 00:12:38,006
Oh, a little place called the winner's circle.
I'm at the falls doing a live report.

202
00:12:38,090 --> 00:12:41,259
Live? That's great!
Yeah! It's happening, hon.

203
00:12:41,343 --> 00:12:43,052
I got sweeps, and I'm live.

204
00:12:43,137 --> 00:12:45,638
You know what that means? They're
seeing if I can think on my feet,

205
00:12:45,723 --> 00:12:48,558
you know, like, I might have to do
in a live news anchor situation.

206
00:12:48,642 --> 00:12:50,185
Oh, my gosh.

207
00:12:50,269 --> 00:12:52,687
Yeah. It's what we've
always talked about, Grace.

208
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:55,607
Jack practically came out and told me.
Practically?

209
00:12:55,691 --> 00:12:58,401
Well, he didn't spell it out,
but legally, he can't.

210
00:12:58,486 --> 00:13:00,278
But this is exactly
what happened to Susan Ortega

211
00:13:00,362 --> 00:13:03,072
just before they bumped her up.

212
00:13:03,157 --> 00:13:05,241
It's good. It's good.
It's good.

213
00:13:05,326 --> 00:13:07,452
Okay. Well, honey,
I just don't...

214
00:13:07,536 --> 00:13:09,662
I don't want you
to get too ahead of yourself.

215
00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:12,123
Bruce? Oh, I got to go.
They're calling me in.

216
00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:14,292
Oh. Okay, honey.
Good luck. I love you.

217
00:13:14,376 --> 00:13:16,377
Love, love, love, love, love.

218
00:13:17,087 --> 00:13:18,671
Let's do it.

219
00:13:18,756 --> 00:13:21,925
They want you close to the falls.
Really?

220
00:13:22,009 --> 00:13:23,802
I'm gonna get soaked.
That's the point.

221
00:13:23,886 --> 00:13:25,470
They want you to put this on.

222
00:13:25,554 --> 00:13:28,389
Part of the condition of us
getting the exclusive.

223
00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:32,477
You know what? Nothing can
bother me today. Nothing.

224
00:13:32,561 --> 00:13:36,523
Okay. Now, remember. It's their
156th-year anniversary.

225
00:13:36,607 --> 00:13:38,650
149 capacity.
Right.

226
00:13:38,776 --> 00:13:42,362
They cater to tourists, honeymooners...
And people insanely thirsty.

227
00:13:42,446 --> 00:13:43,488
I get it.
Okay.

228
00:13:43,572 --> 00:13:46,324
And you are gonna be
interviewing lrene Dansfield.

229
00:13:46,408 --> 00:13:49,285
Irene! Pleasure to meet you.
Truly.

230
00:13:49,411 --> 00:13:52,455
You look beautiful. Irene's
mother rode on the maiden voyage.

231
00:13:52,581 --> 00:13:54,833
Wow. Rub that in my face, why don't you?
Ninety seconds!

232
00:13:54,917 --> 00:13:58,753
Ninety seconds? Holy hell.
Uh, yeah. Okay. 90 seconds?

233
00:13:59,088 --> 00:14:04,217
Because of the fast response, the toxic
chemicals were cleaned up without incident.

234
00:14:04,301 --> 00:14:07,345
Susan? Bruce Nolan is
standing by at Niagara Falls,

235
00:14:07,429 --> 00:14:10,431
but before we go live to Bruce,
we have an announcement to make.

236
00:14:10,933 --> 00:14:16,187
As everyone knows, after 33 years, our
beloved Pete Fineman is retiring.

237
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:21,609
Pete's shoes are virtually impossible
to fill, but the show must go on,

238
00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:27,073
and we could think of no one better
than our very own Evan Baxter.

239
00:14:27,491 --> 00:14:30,577
Oh... Oh, boy.

240
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:33,872
Congratulations, Evan. Thanks, Susan.
I'm thrilled and honored.

241
00:14:33,956 --> 00:14:34,956
And as you said,

242
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:38,710
no one can replace the great Pete
Fineman, but I will do my best.

243
00:14:38,794 --> 00:14:43,423
I have to say, I am so proud to be a
part of our local community of Buffalo,

244
00:14:43,507 --> 00:14:48,595
and I think, in a lot of ways, a great
city is like a great recipe, really.

245
00:14:48,679 --> 00:14:54,225
You take hardworking citizens, add
some caregivers, maybe a few nuts,

246
00:14:57,479 --> 00:15:01,274
all sprinkled with the love and
support of our good families.

247
00:15:01,358 --> 00:15:05,570
Ultimately, that makes
one sweet place to live.

248
00:15:05,654 --> 00:15:07,405
That was amazing.
I meant it.

249
00:15:07,489 --> 00:15:10,074
I wish I'd written something.
And now let's go live

250
00:15:10,159 --> 00:15:12,827
to that wacky Bruce Nolan
out at Niagara Falls.

251
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:14,537
Hey! Wacky Bruce!

252
00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:20,877
Bruce? Talk, Bruce. Hello?

253
00:15:20,961 --> 00:15:22,962
Talk, honey. Talk.
What's going on?

254
00:15:23,047 --> 00:15:24,964
We got a Walt Disney.
He's frozen solid.

255
00:15:25,049 --> 00:15:26,758
We may not have audio.
Check the feed.

256
00:15:26,842 --> 00:15:29,177
We may be having a bit
of technical difficulty.

257
00:15:29,261 --> 00:15:30,261
Feed's good, Jack.

258
00:15:30,346 --> 00:15:33,306
Move. Come on. Come on. Come on.
Talk, Bruce, damn it!

259
00:15:33,390 --> 00:15:36,142
All right. Get ready to pull the plug.
Come on, baby. Say something.

260
00:15:36,226 --> 00:15:39,687
Say something.
Bruce, talk.

261
00:15:42,733 --> 00:15:44,484
Hi, Susan.
Oh, thank you, God.

262
00:15:44,568 --> 00:15:46,861
Bruce Nolan here
aboard the Maid of the Mist

263
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:49,530
in fabulous Niagara Falls,
New York.

264
00:15:50,074 --> 00:15:54,452
First off, let me just add another
congratulations to Evan Backstabber...

265
00:15:54,536 --> 00:15:56,829
Pardon me. Bastard.
Baxter, rather.

266
00:15:56,914 --> 00:15:59,707
It is good to see what
someone with talent can do,

267
00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:02,877
when great opportunities are
given to them instead of me.

268
00:16:04,296 --> 00:16:08,383
Anyway, I'm here with Katharine
Hepburn's mom. Tell me.

269
00:16:08,467 --> 00:16:10,718
Why did you throw the blue
Heart of the Ocean jewel

270
00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:13,012
over the railing of the Titanic?

271
00:16:13,097 --> 00:16:15,390
Did you feel bad at all
letting Leo DiCaprio drown,

272
00:16:15,474 --> 00:16:18,101
while you were safe,
floating on the door?

273
00:16:18,185 --> 00:16:19,686
Could you have taken turns,

274
00:16:19,770 --> 00:16:23,189
or were you just too afraid to
freeze your big, fat ass off?

275
00:16:24,233 --> 00:16:25,984
I guess that's how life is,
isn't it?

276
00:16:26,068 --> 00:16:30,863
Some people are drenched, freezing to death
on a stupid boat, with a stupid hat,

277
00:16:30,948 --> 00:16:34,325
while others are in a comfy news
studio, sucking up all the glory.

278
00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:37,829
- Oh, well. No big deal.
- Oh, boy.

279
00:16:37,913 --> 00:16:39,998
Oh, look. It's the owner
of the Maid of the Mist.

280
00:16:40,082 --> 00:16:42,083
Let's have a talk with him, shall we?
Come on in here, Bill.

281
00:16:42,167 --> 00:16:43,376
That's all right.
No, no, no, no. No, no.

282
00:16:43,460 --> 00:16:44,669
Come on. Let's have a talk.

283
00:16:44,753 --> 00:16:46,671
Come on. What are you doing?

284
00:16:46,755 --> 00:16:49,549
Bill, you've been running the Maid
of the Mist for 23 years now.

285
00:16:49,633 --> 00:16:51,753
Tell me. Why do you think
I didn't get the anchor job?

286
00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:54,637
Hey, man. I don't want problems.
Is it my hair, Bill?

287
00:16:54,722 --> 00:16:56,180
Are my teeth not white enough?

288
00:16:56,265 --> 00:17:03,187
Or like the great falls, is the bedrock
of my life eroding beneath me?

289
00:17:03,439 --> 00:17:08,776
Eroding! Eroding! Eroding!

290
00:17:10,070 --> 00:17:11,487
Cut the feed. Go to black.

291
00:17:11,572 --> 00:17:12,822
Go to black.
I'm on it.

292
00:17:14,450 --> 00:17:18,453
I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News.
Back to you, fuckers!

293
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:21,706
Oh, boy.
Oh, my God.

294
00:17:26,795 --> 00:17:31,632
That is perfect. That is the
motivation that I needed!

295
00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:34,135
Right there! Thank you.

296
00:17:35,137 --> 00:17:38,264
Thank you, W. K. B. W.!

297
00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:42,143
Wimpy Kitty Baby Whiners!

298
00:17:42,227 --> 00:17:44,353
That's what that stands for!

299
00:17:45,773 --> 00:17:49,984
I'll see you on Channel 5,
where they do the real news.

300
00:17:51,278 --> 00:17:54,322
Do I look blind to you?
Do I look blind to you?

301
00:17:55,282 --> 00:17:58,910
Hey. Let's go, man. Come on.
Let's go.

302
00:17:59,703 --> 00:18:04,290
What are you doing over there? Come on.
Leave the poor guy alone.

303
00:18:05,125 --> 00:18:06,584
You okay, man?

304
00:18:08,545 --> 00:18:10,588
Yeah, you'd better keep walking.

305
00:18:10,672 --> 00:18:12,757
What? What'd you say, ése?

306
00:18:12,841 --> 00:18:15,426
Run, man! Run!

307
00:18:17,054 --> 00:18:18,971
Oh, God!

308
00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:25,144
Okay, okay, okay! I didn't mean it!
I was just kidding!

309
00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:27,188
Hey, you forgot your things.

310
00:18:31,777 --> 00:18:34,153
Say something to that.
Say something.

311
00:18:37,199 --> 00:18:43,454
B-E-A-utiful.

312
00:18:47,292 --> 00:18:49,919
That's what I get...

313
00:18:50,003 --> 00:18:53,297
That's what I get
for trying to help someone.

314
00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:57,677
Oh, don't look at me, Walter.

315
00:18:57,761 --> 00:18:59,512
Oh, no!

316
00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:08,855
Well, that's my payment, I guess.
That... That is my reward.

317
00:19:13,735 --> 00:19:16,863
Just? Just get a clue!

318
00:19:18,198 --> 00:19:19,907
Thank God you're all right.

319
00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:22,493
God. Yeah.
Let's thank God. Shall we?

320
00:19:22,578 --> 00:19:25,037
For his blessings
are raining down upon me.

321
00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:28,166
Wait! That's not rain! Bruce,
please don't do that, honey.

322
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:30,835
You know that everything
happens for a reason.

323
00:19:30,919 --> 00:19:34,505
That I don't need. That is a cliché.
That is not helpful to me.

324
00:19:34,590 --> 00:19:36,632
A bird in the hand
is worth two in the bush.

325
00:19:36,717 --> 00:19:40,011
I have no bird. I have no bush. God
has taken my bird and my bush.

326
00:19:40,095 --> 00:19:43,306
Oh, I see. So God is picking on
you, is that what you're saying?

327
00:19:43,390 --> 00:19:46,684
No. He's ignoring me
completely.

328
00:19:46,768 --> 00:19:50,188
He's far too busy giving
Evan everything he wants.

329
00:19:50,272 --> 00:19:53,774
Oh, that's great, Sam, but you
missed your target. I'm over here!

330
00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:56,235
Don't get mad at the dog.
It's not the dog's fault.

331
00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:58,988
No. It's God's fault. I gave
him the wrong coordinates.

332
00:19:59,072 --> 00:20:00,406
All right. You know what?
Enough. All right?

333
00:20:00,490 --> 00:20:02,116
Will you stop being such a martyr?

334
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:04,785
I am not being a martyr.
I'm a victim.

335
00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:06,621
God is a mean kid
sitting on an anthill

336
00:20:06,705 --> 00:20:08,789
with a magnifying glass,
and I'm the ant.

337
00:20:08,874 --> 00:20:11,083
He could fix my life in five
minutes if he wanted to,

338
00:20:11,168 --> 00:20:14,170
but he'd rather burn off my
feelers and watch me squirm!

339
00:20:14,254 --> 00:20:17,048
Sweetheart, I know you're mad.
It's understandable.

340
00:20:17,132 --> 00:20:22,887
What Evan did is slimy and wrong, but
this day could've been so much worse.

341
00:20:22,971 --> 00:20:27,683
I'm just glad you're okay. Okay?
News flash! I'm not okay.

342
00:20:27,768 --> 00:20:31,229
I'm not okay with a mediocre job! I'm
not okay with a mediocre apartment.

343
00:20:31,313 --> 00:20:34,148
I'm not okay with a mediocre life!

344
00:20:42,366 --> 00:20:45,826
So is that what you think that we have?
A mediocre life?

345
00:20:45,911 --> 00:20:49,163
Don't make this about you.
About me?

346
00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:54,502
How could I make this about me? It's
about you! It's always about you!

347
00:20:54,586 --> 00:20:57,213
Perfect. Perfect.

348
00:20:57,297 --> 00:20:59,257
I'll have the worst day of my life

349
00:20:59,341 --> 00:21:01,926
with a side order of guilt,
please!

350
00:21:04,805 --> 00:21:05,846
Oh.

351
00:21:07,266 --> 00:21:11,102
Okay, God.
You want me to talk to you?

352
00:21:11,186 --> 00:21:14,397
Then talk back.
Tell me what's going on.

353
00:21:14,481 --> 00:21:17,358
What should I do?
Give me a signal.

354
00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:23,572
Oh, I need your guidance, Lord.
Please send me a sign.

355
00:21:27,703 --> 00:21:30,121
Ah, what's this joker doing now?

356
00:21:35,752 --> 00:21:39,255
Okay. All right.
I'll try it your way.

357
00:21:39,339 --> 00:21:44,427
All right.
Lord, I need a miracle.

358
00:21:45,554 --> 00:21:49,140
I'm desperate.
I need your help, Lord.

359
00:21:49,224 --> 00:21:53,144
Please reach into my life.
Hey!

360
00:21:54,563 --> 00:21:58,482
What the he... I got you!

361
00:22:24,801 --> 00:22:25,926
Hey!

362
00:22:42,444 --> 00:22:45,780
Fine! The gloves are off, pal!

363
00:22:45,864 --> 00:22:48,366
Come on!
Let me see a little wrath.

364
00:22:48,450 --> 00:22:52,119
Smite me, O mighty smiter!

365
00:22:53,205 --> 00:22:55,664
You're the one
who should be fired!

366
00:22:55,749 --> 00:23:00,419
The only one around here
not doing his job is you!

367
00:23:01,171 --> 00:23:03,631
Answer me!

368
00:23:18,397 --> 00:23:20,564
Sorry. Don't know you.

369
00:23:21,483 --> 00:23:23,567
Wouldn't call you if I did.

370
00:23:27,489 --> 00:23:28,739
Oh.

371
00:23:36,331 --> 00:23:38,833
Oh, God. Oh.

372
00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:47,341
Hello, "5550123."

373
00:24:11,700 --> 00:24:16,162
Oh, no! Sam,
this has got to stop.

374
00:24:18,748 --> 00:24:20,332
All right.
Now, get it straight here.

375
00:24:20,417 --> 00:24:23,461
That's the house. This is the bathroom.
House. Bathroom.

376
00:24:23,545 --> 00:24:26,630
Bathroom. House. House. Bathroom.
Bathroom. House.

377
00:24:29,050 --> 00:24:30,634
What's the point?

378
00:24:55,410 --> 00:24:58,245
"5550123"

379
00:25:00,624 --> 00:25:03,667
Denied that promotion at work?
Is life unfair?

380
00:25:03,752 --> 00:25:06,795
Is there someone less talented
than you reaping all the benefits?

381
00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:10,966
Is your name Bruce? Then do
we have the job for you.

382
00:25:11,051 --> 00:25:14,345
We're located at 77256 23rd Street.

383
00:25:14,429 --> 00:25:18,015
So come on down, or we'll
just keep beeping you.

384
00:25:35,075 --> 00:25:36,700
"Omni Presents."

385
00:25:37,911 --> 00:25:40,996
Oh, yeah.
The glass is half full.

386
00:25:41,456 --> 00:25:42,790
Oh, geez!

387
00:25:44,751 --> 00:25:50,005
Come on! Look!
What is that? What is that?

388
00:25:51,466 --> 00:25:54,802
Ah, geez! Thank you.
Thank you again.

389
00:26:02,644 --> 00:26:04,061
What the...

390
00:26:11,820 --> 00:26:13,821
You're looking for Room 7.

391
00:26:16,491 --> 00:26:18,409
Yeah. I figured.

392
00:26:18,493 --> 00:26:20,703
You want me
to even those up for you?

393
00:26:24,332 --> 00:26:25,916
How do I get to Room 7?

394
00:26:26,001 --> 00:26:29,587
That'll be on the seventh floor.
Stairs are right over there.

395
00:26:29,671 --> 00:26:32,047
I'd rather take the elevator.
Out of order.

396
00:26:32,132 --> 00:26:35,259
I love the stairs though.
They were my second choice.

397
00:26:35,343 --> 00:26:37,761
Do you mind giving me a hand
with this floor?

398
00:26:37,846 --> 00:26:40,764
What? That's good.

399
00:26:42,058 --> 00:26:43,517
Are you serious?

400
00:26:43,602 --> 00:26:46,895
Oh, I'm kind of busy.

401
00:26:46,980 --> 00:26:51,025
Um, rain check.
I'll hold you to it.

402
00:26:52,277 --> 00:26:55,446
I'm free on the seventh
at 7:00.

403
00:26:58,158 --> 00:26:59,992
Seventh at 7:00 it is.

404
00:27:03,330 --> 00:27:05,122
This looks promising.

405
00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:17,176
Hello? Another "hugantic,
ginormic" waste of my life.

406
00:27:17,886 --> 00:27:19,136
Hello?

407
00:27:20,972 --> 00:27:24,433
Yo! I'm looking for whoever runs
this joint. Be right with you.

408
00:27:24,517 --> 00:27:28,145
I'm trying to fix a light.
Tell me if it's working.

409
00:27:28,229 --> 00:27:30,481
Yeah. Seems to be.

410
00:27:30,565 --> 00:27:34,443
Kind of bright, though.
Yeah. It is for most people.

411
00:27:34,527 --> 00:27:38,781
Spend their lives in the dark
trying to hide from me.

412
00:27:40,492 --> 00:27:42,660
Oh, the elevator's broken, huh?

413
00:27:42,744 --> 00:27:45,663
Yeah, but I'll get around to it.

414
00:27:47,123 --> 00:27:50,793
You install the Clapper? No,
but catchy jingle, isn't it?

415
00:27:51,586 --> 00:27:56,090
Clap on, clap off.
Clap on, clap off the Clapper.

416
00:27:57,425 --> 00:27:59,593
Just can't get it out of my head.

417
00:28:00,303 --> 00:28:03,847
Good luck with that.
I'm gonna go now.

418
00:28:03,932 --> 00:28:06,767
Okay. But the boss'll be
right out.

419
00:28:14,693 --> 00:28:19,071
You must be Bruce.
I've been expecting you.

420
00:28:21,491 --> 00:28:23,117
This is hilarious.

421
00:28:23,201 --> 00:28:25,953
So you're the boss and the
electrician and the janitor?

422
00:28:26,037 --> 00:28:29,206
Must be a killer Christmas party.
Don't get drunk, though.

423
00:28:29,290 --> 00:28:31,166
One of you might need a ride home.

424
00:28:33,002 --> 00:28:37,256
You always were funny, Bruce,
just like your father.

425
00:28:37,340 --> 00:28:40,050
He didn't mind rolling up
his sleeves, either, son.

426
00:28:40,135 --> 00:28:43,595
People underestimate the benefit
of good old manual labor.

427
00:28:43,680 --> 00:28:46,724
There's freedom in it. Some of
the happiest people in the world

428
00:28:46,808 --> 00:28:50,436
go home smelling to high
heaven at the end of the day.

429
00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:52,563
All right. What is this?

430
00:28:52,647 --> 00:28:55,315
How do you know my father, and
how did you get my pager number?

431
00:28:55,400 --> 00:28:58,110
Oh, I know quite a lot
about you, Bruce,

432
00:28:59,362 --> 00:29:01,989
just about everything
there is to know.

433
00:29:02,323 --> 00:29:07,035
Everything you've ever said or
done or thought about doing,

434
00:29:08,288 --> 00:29:10,497
right there in that file cabinet.

435
00:29:11,750 --> 00:29:15,127
Wow. A whole drawer just for me.
Yeah.

436
00:29:15,211 --> 00:29:19,173
Mind if I take a look?
It's your life.

437
00:29:20,508 --> 00:29:22,342
This ought to be good.

438
00:29:37,025 --> 00:29:39,693
Now, this last entry
was a little disturbing.

439
00:29:51,456 --> 00:29:53,540
"The gloves are off, God.

440
00:29:53,666 --> 00:29:56,251
"God has taken my bird
and my bush.

441
00:29:56,336 --> 00:29:59,671
"God is a mean kid
with a magnifying glass.

442
00:29:59,756 --> 00:30:03,258
"Smite me, O mighty smiter!"

443
00:30:03,343 --> 00:30:07,554
Now, I'm not much for blaspheming,
but that last one made me laugh.

444
00:30:07,639 --> 00:30:09,515
Are you spying on me?

445
00:30:13,061 --> 00:30:14,478
Who are you?

446
00:30:15,647 --> 00:30:17,231
I'm the one.

447
00:30:17,816 --> 00:30:21,485
Creator of the heavens and
the earth, alpha and omega.

448
00:30:22,529 --> 00:30:24,822
Oh, I see where this is going.

449
00:30:24,906 --> 00:30:27,866
Bruce, I'm God.

450
00:30:27,951 --> 00:30:31,119
Bingo! Yahtzee!
Is that your final answer?

451
00:30:31,204 --> 00:30:35,833
Our survey says, "God!"
Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing!

452
00:30:35,917 --> 00:30:37,626
Well, it was
nice to meet you, God.

453
00:30:37,710 --> 00:30:39,086
Thank you for the Grand Canyon,

454
00:30:39,170 --> 00:30:41,255
and good luck with the apocalypse.

455
00:30:41,339 --> 00:30:44,591
Oh, and by the way, you suck!

456
00:30:45,260 --> 00:30:47,177
You know what would've been a
little more impressive, though?

457
00:30:47,262 --> 00:30:50,722
If you hadn't used the cheesy
file cabinet illusion.

458
00:30:50,807 --> 00:30:52,516
Anybody with a brain stem
can tell that

459
00:30:52,600 --> 00:30:55,519
that drawer is being fed through
the wall from the other side.

460
00:30:55,603 --> 00:30:59,106
All you have to do is find the
crease, right around here.

461
00:30:59,190 --> 00:31:02,860
There is a seam here
or a hollow spot.

462
00:31:07,282 --> 00:31:11,201
Where? Through the drywall
and concrete?

463
00:31:14,289 --> 00:31:17,457
Okay. That is a good one.
That is a good one.

464
00:31:18,167 --> 00:31:21,044
Okay. How many fingers am I holding up?
Now, Bruce.

465
00:31:21,170 --> 00:31:24,130
Thou shalt not tempt the Lord... Hey,
if you can't do it, man, that's cool.

466
00:31:24,132 --> 00:31:28,969
Three. Two. Four.
Nine. Six. Eight. One.

467
00:31:31,097 --> 00:31:32,389
Okay.

468
00:31:33,516 --> 00:31:36,268
How many now?
Seven.

469
00:31:42,901 --> 00:31:45,527
You've been doing a lot of
complaining about me, Bruce.

470
00:31:45,653 --> 00:31:48,780
And quite frankly, I'm tired of it.
Wait. Don't come near me.

471
00:31:48,865 --> 00:31:50,699
When I'm backed into a corner,
I'm like a wild animal.

472
00:31:50,783 --> 00:31:52,242
I don't wanna hurt you,
but I will, out of instinct.

473
00:31:52,327 --> 00:31:55,954
You haven't won a fight since grade
five, and that was against a girl.

474
00:31:57,373 --> 00:32:00,417
Yeah, but she was huge.
She had been held back.

475
00:32:00,501 --> 00:32:04,755
And the sun was in your eyes.
Oh, there you go.

476
00:32:04,839 --> 00:32:07,382
In a way, I brought you here
to offer you a job.

477
00:32:07,467 --> 00:32:09,718
Job? What job?
My job.

478
00:32:10,345 --> 00:32:13,555
You think you can do it better,
so here's your chance.

479
00:32:13,640 --> 00:32:18,101
When you leave this building, you
will be endowed with all my powers.

480
00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:21,063
Whatever you say, pal.

481
00:32:23,608 --> 00:32:27,903
Okay. That did not happen, and
no one needs to hear about it.

482
00:32:27,987 --> 00:32:29,696
I'm deleting the program.

483
00:32:31,783 --> 00:32:35,327
No. No. I'm having a
breakdown, that's what it is.

484
00:32:35,411 --> 00:32:39,957
Normal, everyday psychotic episode
caused by a tumor or brain lesion.

485
00:32:40,041 --> 00:32:41,792
Come on. Start!

486
00:32:43,711 --> 00:32:44,711
That was lucky.

487
00:32:50,885 --> 00:32:52,594
Come on, man. Calm down.

488
00:32:52,679 --> 00:32:56,264
You did not meet God,
you do not have his powers.

489
00:32:56,391 --> 00:32:58,976
If that was God,
then I'm Clint Eastwood.

490
00:32:59,060 --> 00:33:00,519
Holy hell!

491
00:33:06,818 --> 00:33:10,028
Be careful
what you wish for, punk.

492
00:33:10,113 --> 00:33:12,698
No. No. No.

493
00:33:12,782 --> 00:33:18,662
I am a reasonable, sane human
being with a .44 Magnum,

494
00:33:18,746 --> 00:33:21,540
the most powerful handgun
in the wo...

495
00:33:22,166 --> 00:33:25,252
I'm not Clint Eastwood.
I'm Bruce Nolan.

496
00:33:25,336 --> 00:33:28,338
Bruce Nolan. I'm Bruce No-lan!

497
00:33:42,270 --> 00:33:44,438
Oh, it's not real.
It's not real.

498
00:33:46,899 --> 00:33:49,609
Coffee?
Yeah. Uh, coffee. Yeah.

499
00:33:49,736 --> 00:33:53,363
We have a special on soup today.
No. That's fine. Thank you.

500
00:33:53,448 --> 00:33:55,866
It's tomato. I made it myself.

501
00:33:57,201 --> 00:33:58,785
Okay.
Okay.

502
00:34:33,321 --> 00:34:35,655
Excuse me. I need a sp...

503
00:34:42,497 --> 00:34:44,164
it's okay. I found one.

504
00:34:51,839 --> 00:34:53,423
Here's your soup.

505
00:34:53,508 --> 00:34:56,718
Oh, soup. Right.
Uh, yeah. Right.

506
00:35:47,228 --> 00:35:48,645
Having fun?

507
00:35:51,482 --> 00:35:56,278
Thy... Thou... Come. Take
a closer walk with me.

508
00:35:57,655 --> 00:36:00,031
Let me explain the rules.
Rules?

509
00:36:00,116 --> 00:36:03,702
Yeah. You left in such a rush, I
didn't get a chance to explain.

510
00:36:05,163 --> 00:36:08,331
Two extra fingers
freaked me out a little bit.

511
00:36:08,416 --> 00:36:10,750
I just figured
I'd get your attention.

512
00:36:10,835 --> 00:36:13,795
I did the same thing to Gandhi,
he didn't eat for three weeks.

513
00:36:15,423 --> 00:36:17,174
Anyway, here's the deal.

514
00:36:17,258 --> 00:36:20,218
You have all my powers.
Use them any way you choose.

515
00:36:20,303 --> 00:36:23,638
There are only two rules. You
can't tell anybody you're God.

516
00:36:23,723 --> 00:36:26,016
Believe me, you don't want
that kind of attention.

517
00:36:26,100 --> 00:36:28,101
And you can't mess with free will.

518
00:36:31,856 --> 00:36:36,776
Can I ask why? Yes, you can!
That's the beauty of it!

519
00:36:44,452 --> 00:36:48,121
This is amazing. Speaking of amazing.
Excuse me.

520
00:36:48,581 --> 00:36:49,831
Oh.

521
00:36:52,126 --> 00:36:55,170
Holy sh... Cow.

522
00:36:55,796 --> 00:36:59,049
Since you're through with
these, I think I'll keep them.

523
00:36:59,133 --> 00:37:01,218
Might come in handy someday.

524
00:37:02,303 --> 00:37:03,970
See you around, kid.

525
00:37:05,056 --> 00:37:08,558
Where you going?
I'm taking a vacation.

526
00:37:08,643 --> 00:37:12,687
God doesn't take vacations,
does he? Do... ye?

527
00:37:12,772 --> 00:37:16,483
Did you ever hear of the Dark Ages?
Besides, I'm covered.

528
00:37:16,567 --> 00:37:20,612
You can clear everything up in five
minutes if you want to, right?

529
00:37:22,531 --> 00:37:23,740
Ciao.

530
00:37:57,149 --> 00:37:59,067
♪ I've got the power ♪

531
00:37:59,193 --> 00:38:01,152
Boom!

532
00:38:05,992 --> 00:38:07,450
♪ I've got the power ♪

533
00:38:07,535 --> 00:38:10,287
And he saw that it was good.

534
00:38:10,371 --> 00:38:12,205
♪ I've got the power ♪

535
00:38:15,584 --> 00:38:16,876
Whoa.

536
00:38:26,762 --> 00:38:31,391
♪ Getting, getting ♪
♪ getting kind of heavy ♪

537
00:38:33,436 --> 00:38:34,519
♪ I've got the power ♪

538
00:38:34,603 --> 00:38:38,356
B-E-A-utiful.

539
00:38:43,571 --> 00:38:47,365
Hey. Check it out. Check it out.
Hey. Check it out.

540
00:38:47,450 --> 00:38:50,327
Oh, look. It's the hero.
What's up, homie?

541
00:38:50,411 --> 00:38:54,956
Yo, brethren, what up with thee?
Blessings on your alley.

542
00:38:55,041 --> 00:38:57,375
Looking for another can
of whoop-ass?

543
00:38:57,460 --> 00:39:00,879
You didn't get enough, Mr. Hero?
He wants some more.

544
00:39:00,963 --> 00:39:05,133
Surely I say unto you dudes,
I do not wish to fight.

545
00:39:05,217 --> 00:39:09,179
So as soon as you apologize and make a
full reckoning of your transgressions,

546
00:39:09,263 --> 00:39:13,516
I shall absolve you and continue
along the path of righteousness.

547
00:39:13,601 --> 00:39:16,436
What are you talking about, man?

548
00:39:16,520 --> 00:39:18,855
Straight up. You talk kind of
funny, you know what I mean?

549
00:39:18,939 --> 00:39:22,233
I don't know if you've lost it all up in
here or what, but check this out, homie.

550
00:39:22,318 --> 00:39:24,486
You want me and the homies
to apologize, right?

551
00:39:24,570 --> 00:39:26,529
Cool. Tell you what.

552
00:39:26,614 --> 00:39:28,734
We'll apologize the day a
monkey comes out of my butt.

553
00:39:28,783 --> 00:39:30,992
Then you get your "sorry."
How about that?

554
00:39:33,704 --> 00:39:36,998
What a coincidence,
because that's today.

555
00:39:46,384 --> 00:39:47,717
Oh!

556
00:39:54,809 --> 00:39:57,852
Hey, did that monkey just
come out your crack, man?

557
00:40:01,232 --> 00:40:02,357
Oh.

558
00:40:03,692 --> 00:40:06,569
This is some voodoo shit, man.
Let's go!

559
00:40:06,654 --> 00:40:08,488
Are you guys leaving?

560
00:40:09,907 --> 00:40:12,367
Hey, don't forget
your parting gifts!

561
00:40:39,103 --> 00:40:43,857
Hey, little anal-dwelling butt monkey.
Time for you to go home, little buddy.

562
00:40:48,863 --> 00:40:52,157
No!

563
00:40:57,037 --> 00:41:00,248
I am Bruce Almighty!

564
00:41:00,332 --> 00:41:03,293
My will be done!

565
00:41:13,345 --> 00:41:16,681
♪ What if God was one of us ♪

566
00:41:17,224 --> 00:41:20,393
♪ Just a slob like one of us ♪

567
00:41:20,895 --> 00:41:23,646
♪ Just a stranger on a bus ♪

568
00:41:23,731 --> 00:41:26,649
♪ Trying to make his way ♪

569
00:41:26,734 --> 00:41:29,986
♪ Home ♪

570
00:41:30,070 --> 00:41:32,113
My God.
You can call me Bruce.

571
00:41:32,198 --> 00:41:34,741
What happened to you?
You seem so...

572
00:41:39,538 --> 00:41:40,788
...happy.

573
00:41:40,873 --> 00:41:42,832
Why shouldn't I be
on a night like this?

574
00:41:42,917 --> 00:41:46,377
Wow. Those are amazing.
What are these?

575
00:41:46,462 --> 00:41:47,545
They're a new breed.

576
00:41:47,630 --> 00:41:50,256
Cross-pollination
between tulips and daisies.

577
00:41:50,341 --> 00:41:53,218
I call them tu-daisies.

578
00:41:54,428 --> 00:41:55,637
Okay.

579
00:42:02,603 --> 00:42:06,356
Honey, these flowers are really
beautiful, but last night...

580
00:42:06,440 --> 00:42:08,608
Last night, I was only human.

581
00:42:13,989 --> 00:42:15,615
Barry, help me out here.

582
00:42:23,249 --> 00:42:24,666
♪ Oh, baby ♪

583
00:42:25,584 --> 00:42:29,462
♪ Oh, baby Yeah, I'll be here ♪

584
00:42:33,968 --> 00:42:37,470
♪ Forever and ever
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

585
00:42:38,013 --> 00:42:40,848
♪ I'll see you through ♪

586
00:42:45,854 --> 00:42:50,233
♪ Making love to you right now
That's all I wanna do ♪

587
00:42:50,317 --> 00:42:53,444
♪ 'Cause I found ♪

588
00:42:53,529 --> 00:42:56,990
♪ What the world is searching for ♪

589
00:42:57,074 --> 00:43:02,829
♪ For someone just like you
make me feel the way you do ♪

590
00:43:02,913 --> 00:43:05,248
♪ Never, never gonna give you up ♪

591
00:43:05,332 --> 00:43:08,084
♪ I'm never, ever gonna stop ♪

592
00:43:08,168 --> 00:43:10,878
♪ Not the way I feel about you ♪

593
00:43:10,963 --> 00:43:14,132
♪ Girl, I just can't
live without you ♪

594
00:43:14,216 --> 00:43:16,092
Honey. Hi. Wow.

595
00:43:17,261 --> 00:43:19,929
I've never seen the moon that big!
Yeah.

596
00:43:20,014 --> 00:43:21,347
♪ Oh, baby ♪

597
00:43:21,432 --> 00:43:23,057
We really shouldn't waste it.

598
00:43:34,028 --> 00:43:37,238
Bedroom?
Five minutes.

599
00:43:47,166 --> 00:43:49,208
Let there be light.

600
00:43:52,671 --> 00:43:53,755
I'll be out in a minute.

601
00:43:55,382 --> 00:43:56,799
Don't rush yourself.

602
00:43:56,884 --> 00:44:00,970
Sometimes anticipation
can heighten the pleasure.

603
00:44:01,055 --> 00:44:03,348
Oh, God! Oh!

604
00:44:05,643 --> 00:44:08,436
It's a funny thing about pleasure.

605
00:44:08,520 --> 00:44:14,609
Wow.
It can be quite pleasurable!

606
00:44:16,904 --> 00:44:18,404
Oh, my God!

607
00:44:19,490 --> 00:44:22,617
Pleasurable.
Oh, God!

608
00:44:25,079 --> 00:44:26,496
Oh, God!

609
00:44:26,580 --> 00:44:28,790
Pleasurable. Pleasurable.

610
00:44:36,382 --> 00:44:40,510
In international news, Japanese relief
workers are staging a desperate effort

611
00:44:40,594 --> 00:44:46,140
to rescue hundreds of people stranded by a
freak tidal wave that hit Kitamoto City.

612
00:44:46,225 --> 00:44:48,976
Scientists say the tsunami
may have been caused

613
00:44:49,061 --> 00:44:52,980
by what they're describing
as unusual lunar activity.

614
00:44:53,065 --> 00:44:55,108
More on this as it develops.

615
00:44:58,904 --> 00:45:03,700
Please bless my mommy, my daddy
and especially my little sister.

616
00:45:05,619 --> 00:45:08,663
Please help me, Lord.
Please get me through this.

617
00:45:14,628 --> 00:45:16,212
All I'm asking
is would you help me?

618
00:45:16,296 --> 00:45:19,549
Thank you for everything
else in my life. Amen.

619
00:45:22,803 --> 00:45:24,220
Sam!

620
00:45:45,284 --> 00:45:46,659
Good boy.

621
00:45:48,996 --> 00:45:50,538
Forget something?

622
00:45:54,251 --> 00:45:57,378
Good boy. There are girls
in the house, huh?

623
00:46:01,759 --> 00:46:04,010
Morning.
Morning!

624
00:46:04,094 --> 00:46:07,138
I made you grilled cheese.
Ooh, my favey!

625
00:46:08,015 --> 00:46:11,684
Honey, last night was just...
Heavenly? I know. I know.

626
00:46:11,769 --> 00:46:13,436
I mean, I woke up this morning,

627
00:46:13,520 --> 00:46:15,980
and I felt like
my boobs were bigger.

628
00:46:16,064 --> 00:46:20,651
I mean, do they look bigger to you?
Uh, what? Your... No.

629
00:46:21,820 --> 00:46:26,365
Bigger?
Oh, come on! Look at them!

630
00:46:26,450 --> 00:46:31,287
Please. They are definitely bigger.
I mean, look. They feel huge.

631
00:46:31,371 --> 00:46:36,542
Well, listen, I have to go, but this
has been the breast bek... Breast...

632
00:46:37,753 --> 00:46:40,546
Thank you.
Where are you going?

633
00:46:40,631 --> 00:46:42,507
To get my job back.

634
00:46:44,176 --> 00:46:46,469
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

635
00:46:46,553 --> 00:46:48,679
♪ I am great ♪

636
00:46:48,764 --> 00:46:52,183
♪ Yeah, yeah, I am... ♪

637
00:46:52,267 --> 00:46:54,894
Good grief.
Is that what I'm driving?

638
00:47:04,947 --> 00:47:07,824
Whoa. Nice car, man.

639
00:47:07,908 --> 00:47:10,409
Yeah. It gets me
from "A" to "B."

640
00:47:23,549 --> 00:47:27,510
Oh, darn. All this horsepower
and no room to gallop.

641
00:47:30,430 --> 00:47:33,641
Heigh-ho, Silver, away!

642
00:47:41,733 --> 00:47:44,777
I certainly wouldn't want to be a
fugitive on the run with Hank,

643
00:47:44,862 --> 00:47:47,446
Buffalo's number-one
police dog on the job.

644
00:47:47,531 --> 00:47:50,950
This is Phil Sidleman reporting from
the Police Canine Training Center,

645
00:47:51,034 --> 00:47:52,702
Channel 5 News.

646
00:47:52,786 --> 00:47:53,953
And cut it.

647
00:47:58,208 --> 00:48:02,211
Hey! Hey!
Look what the cat coughed up!

648
00:48:02,296 --> 00:48:03,462
Channel 7, right?

649
00:48:03,505 --> 00:48:06,257
You're the guy that went crazy?
I had a bad moment.

650
00:48:06,341 --> 00:48:09,385
What are you doing here?
Just looking for a story.

651
00:48:09,469 --> 00:48:13,014
There's no story here.
This pond is all fished out.

652
00:48:13,682 --> 00:48:16,726
Pretty standard stuff anyway.
I don't know.

653
00:48:16,810 --> 00:48:18,936
My instinct tells me
there's something more.

654
00:48:19,021 --> 00:48:22,148
Yeah? Well, go with that. It served
you well in the past, right?

655
00:48:30,198 --> 00:48:33,659
Hey! Hank found something!

656
00:48:33,744 --> 00:48:36,370
- Hey, we got a body!
- Over here!

657
00:48:37,205 --> 00:48:39,665
Get the camera! Now!

658
00:48:39,750 --> 00:48:41,417
It's locked,
and the keys are inside!

659
00:48:41,501 --> 00:48:43,961
I guess every dog has his day.

660
00:48:44,046 --> 00:48:46,380
Hey, kid. You wanna make 10 bucks?
Sure.

661
00:48:46,465 --> 00:48:47,840
You know how to use one of these?

662
00:48:47,925 --> 00:48:48,966
Duh.

663
00:48:51,011 --> 00:48:53,596
Seems to be in tune.
Let's do this.

664
00:48:53,680 --> 00:48:56,641
The body of Jimmy Hoffa
was uncovered in a field today

665
00:48:56,725 --> 00:48:59,810
outside of a canine training
center in Buffalo, New York.

666
00:49:00,187 --> 00:49:03,522
Bruce Nolan was the first on the scene.
Thank you, Jane.

667
00:49:03,607 --> 00:49:06,943
As you can see behind us, the
body is being carefully exhumed,

668
00:49:07,027 --> 00:49:09,028
and will be transported
to a medical facility,

669
00:49:09,112 --> 00:49:11,739
where DNA testing
can confirm the identity.

670
00:49:11,823 --> 00:49:14,492
That, however, merely a
formality at this point,

671
00:49:14,576 --> 00:49:18,120
as in a bizarre twist, the body was
found buried with a birth certificate

672
00:49:18,205 --> 00:49:20,456
and complete set
of dental records.

673
00:49:20,540 --> 00:49:24,961
I'd call that a red-letter day for any K-9
unit, but was that enough for old Hank here?

674
00:49:25,045 --> 00:49:29,465
No, sirree. Moments later, he
busted a local news camera crew

675
00:49:29,549 --> 00:49:32,718
with 220 pounds of marijuana.

676
00:49:32,803 --> 00:49:35,846
I never saw it before, I swear!

677
00:49:38,809 --> 00:49:43,729
I'm Bruce Nolan, and that's
the way the cookie crumbles.

678
00:49:47,693 --> 00:49:49,902
Yeah! Did you like that?

679
00:49:52,322 --> 00:49:54,865
Yes. Thank you. Thank you.

680
00:49:54,950 --> 00:49:57,118
Hi, Bruce.
Oh, hi, Susan.

681
00:49:57,202 --> 00:49:59,453
Good work. I'm impressed.

682
00:50:03,917 --> 00:50:06,794
Jack, did you need me for something?
Bruce! Bruce!

683
00:50:06,878 --> 00:50:08,754
Just the man I wanna see.
Hey.

684
00:50:08,880 --> 00:50:13,217
Hoffa? What are the odds of that?
What are the odds of that?

685
00:50:13,301 --> 00:50:15,594
Bruce, why don't you sit down?
Okay.

686
00:50:15,679 --> 00:50:19,348
I'm gonna be straight with you.
We want you back, Bruce.

687
00:50:19,433 --> 00:50:23,561
But I want you to understand it was
not my decision to let you go.

688
00:50:23,645 --> 00:50:25,312
When the big guy
gives the order, you got to...

689
00:50:25,397 --> 00:50:26,856
No harm, no foul, Jack.

690
00:50:26,940 --> 00:50:28,524
I needed some time
to reassess my goals

691
00:50:28,608 --> 00:50:30,234
and get in touch
with my true self.

692
00:50:30,277 --> 00:50:33,404
You did that in a day? Imagine
what I could do with seven.

693
00:50:34,823 --> 00:50:37,783
Look, Bruce. It is not in my
power to give you anchor.

694
00:50:37,868 --> 00:50:40,828
Now, as far as field reporting goes,
if you're looking for a bump...

695
00:50:40,912 --> 00:50:44,457
Jack, let's just cut the crap and
get down to brass tacks here.

696
00:50:46,960 --> 00:50:49,211
I'm kidding with you, and you...

697
00:50:49,296 --> 00:50:54,300
I had you going, Jackie. Don't
even worry about it, old friend.

698
00:50:54,384 --> 00:50:57,553
You just give me a camera,
Jack, I'll give you the news.

699
00:50:59,473 --> 00:51:03,726
♪ A little less conversation
a little more action ♪

700
00:51:03,810 --> 00:51:06,520
♪ All this aggravation
ain't "satisfactioning" me ♪

701
00:51:06,605 --> 00:51:11,650
My secret is that I let the
jalapeños marinate in a spicy sauce

702
00:51:12,152 --> 00:51:16,197
for at least 24 hours before
I stir it into the chili.

703
00:51:16,281 --> 00:51:20,659
Then I let it all come
to a simmer b... Oh!

704
00:51:23,914 --> 00:51:25,247
Hold that thought, Hazel!

705
00:51:25,332 --> 00:51:29,126
It seems as if an asteroid
or some kind of meteorite

706
00:51:29,211 --> 00:51:33,839
has just hit ground right outside
the Mark Twain Chili Cook-Off.

707
00:51:33,924 --> 00:51:36,675
This should certainly
spice things up a bit.

708
00:51:37,094 --> 00:51:39,220
His stories are all over town.

709
00:51:39,304 --> 00:51:40,763
From unearthing Jimmy Hoffa...

710
00:51:40,847 --> 00:51:42,681
To a meteor crashing to earth...

711
00:51:42,766 --> 00:51:45,976
Bruce Nolan is rapidly
becoming known as...

712
00:51:47,687 --> 00:51:51,607
♪ Yeah a little less conversation
a little more action ♪

713
00:51:51,691 --> 00:51:55,111
♪ All this conversation
ain't "satisfactioning" me ♪

714
00:51:55,904 --> 00:51:58,030
♪ A little more bite
and a little more bark ♪

715
00:51:58,115 --> 00:52:00,074
♪ A little less fight
and a little more spark ♪

716
00:52:00,867 --> 00:52:04,453
And that's the way
the cookie crumbles!

717
00:52:09,167 --> 00:52:11,335
Was this Bruce's idea?

718
00:52:11,419 --> 00:52:16,549
He said he wanted me to have a day
of beauty and luxurious serenity.

719
00:52:17,884 --> 00:52:21,220
I got to tell you. He is
really impressing me lately.

720
00:52:21,304 --> 00:52:23,681
You know where he's taking me
to dinner tonight?

721
00:52:24,724 --> 00:52:26,058
Where?

722
00:52:28,478 --> 00:52:30,062
The Blue Palm?

723
00:52:31,898 --> 00:52:34,775
Oh, my gosh. I just got chills.
I know.

724
00:52:34,860 --> 00:52:38,904
And he told me to prepare for the most
memorable night of our entire lives.

725
00:52:38,989 --> 00:52:41,991
Oh, my gosh.
Grace, he's gonna propose.

726
00:52:42,075 --> 00:52:44,451
Stop it. No. Really?

727
00:52:44,536 --> 00:52:47,997
Yeah. Really. Come on.
You do the math.

728
00:52:48,081 --> 00:52:49,874
He sends you all day
to a beauty spa.

729
00:52:49,958 --> 00:52:52,042
He's taking you to
the most romantic restaurant,

730
00:52:52,127 --> 00:52:54,336
where you had your first date.

731
00:52:54,421 --> 00:52:56,741
You know, I never thought I'd
say this, but Bruce is right.

732
00:52:56,756 --> 00:52:57,798
This is your big night.

733
00:52:57,883 --> 00:53:00,509
Relax and enjoy it.
Oh, God.

734
00:53:05,849 --> 00:53:09,268
Welcome to Eyewitness News
at 6:00 with Susan Ortega,

735
00:53:09,644 --> 00:53:12,396
Evan Baxter, Fred Donohue, sports,

736
00:53:12,480 --> 00:53:13,731
Dallas Coleman, weather.

737
00:53:13,815 --> 00:53:16,275
And now, Buffalo's
number-one news team.

738
00:53:16,359 --> 00:53:19,486
Good evening, and welcome to Eyewitness
News at 6:00. I'm Susan Ortega.

739
00:53:19,571 --> 00:53:22,531
And I'm Evan Baxter, and
here's what's making news.

740
00:53:22,616 --> 00:53:25,910
A potential scandal with the Buffalo P.
D. Surfaced today,

741
00:53:25,994 --> 00:53:27,036
when the mayor...

742
00:53:37,380 --> 00:53:39,548
I'm sorry. I'm seem to
have something stuck in my...

743
00:53:39,633 --> 00:53:41,467
Somebody get him some water.

744
00:53:41,551 --> 00:53:44,386
Looks like my new co-anchor
may need a glass of water.

745
00:53:48,642 --> 00:53:51,518
Oh. There we go.
Sorry about that.

746
00:53:51,603 --> 00:53:54,897
In other news,
the prime minister of Sweden

747
00:53:54,981 --> 00:53:56,482
visited Washington today,

748
00:53:56,566 --> 00:53:59,485
and my tiny little nipples
went to France.

749
00:54:00,737 --> 00:54:03,572
What did he just say?
Check the prompter.

750
00:54:06,451 --> 00:54:09,411
The prompter's fine.
Evan, read the copy, please.

751
00:54:09,496 --> 00:54:11,830
The copy's good. Just read it.

752
00:54:11,915 --> 00:54:15,334
The White House reception committee
greeted the prime rib roast minister,

753
00:54:15,418 --> 00:54:19,129
and I do the cha-cha
like a sissy girl.

754
00:54:20,840 --> 00:54:25,219
I "lika" do the cha-cha.

755
00:54:30,058 --> 00:54:34,103
I'm sorry. We seem to be having
some technical difficulties.

756
00:54:34,187 --> 00:54:35,271
In other news...

757
00:54:39,067 --> 00:54:40,526
My apologies.

758
00:55:33,079 --> 00:55:36,081
♪ If I ruled the world ♪

759
00:55:37,542 --> 00:55:40,961
♪ Every day would be
the first day of spring ♪

760
00:55:43,465 --> 00:55:48,260
♪ Every heart would have
a new song to sing ♪

761
00:55:49,304 --> 00:55:51,555
♪ And we'd sing ♪

762
00:55:51,639 --> 00:55:55,392
♪ Of the joy every morning
would bring ♪

763
00:55:56,853 --> 00:55:59,104
♪ If I ruled the world ♪

764
00:56:01,441 --> 00:56:04,485
♪ Every man
would be as free as a bird ♪

765
00:56:05,153 --> 00:56:06,445
May I?
Certainly.

766
00:56:06,529 --> 00:56:07,529
Thank you.

767
00:56:07,614 --> 00:56:11,367
♪ Every voice would be
a voice to be heard ♪

768
00:56:12,619 --> 00:56:14,870
it's perfect.
She'll love it.

769
00:56:14,954 --> 00:56:19,625
♪ We would treasure each day
that occurs ♪

770
00:56:20,210 --> 00:56:24,213
You know, I was gonna...

771
00:56:24,297 --> 00:56:26,882
I was gonna wait
until after the meal,

772
00:56:26,966 --> 00:56:29,566
but it's gonna burst out of me like
an alien if I don't do it now.

773
00:56:29,636 --> 00:56:34,056
Oh, God. Oh, my God. Okay.

774
00:56:34,140 --> 00:56:38,977
This is it, isn't it? I don't know.
I don't know if I'm ready for this.

775
00:56:39,062 --> 00:56:41,438
I mean, I'm ready for this. I
just don't know if I would...

776
00:56:41,523 --> 00:56:43,982
I didn't think I would have...
I'm sorry. Go on.

777
00:56:44,067 --> 00:56:48,821
I didn't know this was so important to you.
Me neither. Me neither.

778
00:56:48,905 --> 00:56:50,364
Oh.

779
00:56:51,533 --> 00:56:56,328
Grace.
Yes.

780
00:57:01,501 --> 00:57:03,210
I got anchor.

781
00:57:07,340 --> 00:57:08,757
Yes.

782
00:57:08,842 --> 00:57:11,635
Apparently, it wasn't
working out with Evan,

783
00:57:11,719 --> 00:57:16,056
so he's gonna finish out the
week, and I go live on Monday.

784
00:57:17,934 --> 00:57:22,020
That's great, honey. That's great.
I know. I know.

785
00:57:22,105 --> 00:57:23,689
Wow.

786
00:57:26,025 --> 00:57:27,985
So that's what this is all about?

787
00:57:28,069 --> 00:57:30,612
Well, yeah.
Yeah.

788
00:57:30,697 --> 00:57:32,030
Grace, we got anchor.

789
00:57:32,115 --> 00:57:33,657
Jack's throwing me a party
Friday night

790
00:57:33,741 --> 00:57:35,784
at the Vanderbilt estate
to celebrate.

791
00:57:35,869 --> 00:57:38,495
What's the matter?
Nothing.

792
00:57:38,580 --> 00:57:40,747
Now I lay me down to sleep.

793
00:57:40,832 --> 00:57:42,291
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

794
00:57:42,375 --> 00:57:43,917
Oh, I feel so stupid.
I feel stupid.

795
00:57:44,002 --> 00:57:45,836
Wow, it is kind of
loud in here, isn't it?

796
00:57:45,962 --> 00:57:49,673
No, it's not loud. Geez, can you
keep it down to a dull roar?

797
00:57:49,757 --> 00:57:51,467
What are you...
Thank you.

798
00:57:51,551 --> 00:57:52,711
Is that supposed to be funny?

799
00:57:52,760 --> 00:57:54,470
'Cause that is not funny. If
I should die before I wake.

800
00:57:54,554 --> 00:57:56,805
I pray the Lord my soul to take.
What are you saying?

801
00:57:56,890 --> 00:57:59,141
What is wrong with you?
Stop yelling!

802
00:58:00,602 --> 00:58:05,606
Uh, would you excuse me? I think
I'll take a little trip to the...

803
00:58:07,108 --> 00:58:09,776
The wine is going
right through me.

804
00:58:09,861 --> 00:58:13,113
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

805
00:58:13,198 --> 00:58:15,199
Keep going, Tony! You're great!
Oh, God.

806
00:58:17,994 --> 00:58:23,582
What is going on here? Oh, what is this?
Give me a break!

807
00:58:29,130 --> 00:58:30,881
Really something, isn't it?

808
00:58:33,676 --> 00:58:35,719
Is this heaven?

809
00:58:35,803 --> 00:58:38,347
No, this is Mount Everest.

810
00:58:38,431 --> 00:58:41,892
You should flip on the Discovery
Channel from time to time.

811
00:58:41,976 --> 00:58:45,604
But I guess you can't now,
being dead and all.

812
00:58:46,689 --> 00:58:49,775
I'm dead? Nah, I'm
just messing with you.

813
00:58:49,901 --> 00:58:54,530
That's not funny, man.
That is not funny! Okay.

814
00:58:54,614 --> 00:58:56,990
And what about the voices
in my head?

815
00:58:57,075 --> 00:59:00,118
Is that part of the hilarity?
No, those are prayers.

816
00:59:00,203 --> 00:59:03,288
And you keep ignoring them, they're
gonna build up on you like that.

817
00:59:03,373 --> 00:59:06,792
But it's just noise.
I can't understand them.

818
00:59:06,876 --> 00:59:09,378
Well, you're not listening, son.

819
00:59:09,462 --> 00:59:11,213
Let's see.

820
00:59:11,923 --> 00:59:14,550
You've had my powers
for a little over a week now.

821
00:59:14,634 --> 00:59:16,802
How many people have you helped?

822
00:59:20,473 --> 00:59:22,349
I took care of a few things.

823
00:59:22,433 --> 00:59:25,811
I righted a few wrongs
in my own life first, okay?

824
00:59:25,895 --> 00:59:27,980
I was gonna help the others.

825
00:59:28,106 --> 00:59:31,441
I think I could help the world.
The world?

826
00:59:31,526 --> 00:59:33,360
That wasn't the world.

827
00:59:33,444 --> 00:59:36,863
That was just Buffalo between
57th Street and Commonwealth.

828
00:59:38,533 --> 00:59:39,575
Oh.

829
00:59:39,659 --> 00:59:43,036
I didn't want to start you off
with more than you could handle.

830
00:59:43,121 --> 00:59:46,707
Well, you took the job, Bruce,
so I suggest you get to it.

831
00:59:48,167 --> 00:59:51,086
Seeing him smile
would make me so happy.

832
00:59:51,170 --> 00:59:54,673
Prayers, prayers.
Okay, prayers. Oh!

833
00:59:54,757 --> 00:59:56,675
This creepy whisper thing
has to end.

834
00:59:56,759 --> 00:59:59,011
Organization and management
is what I need.

835
00:59:59,095 --> 01:00:03,724
I need a system. Something concrete.
Concentrate!

836
01:00:04,559 --> 01:00:06,226
Files.

837
01:00:06,311 --> 01:00:09,521
Let all prayers
be organized into files.

838
01:00:13,901 --> 01:00:17,654
Well, that takes care of the voices.
Not exactly a space saver though.

839
01:00:18,781 --> 01:00:23,619
Grace might notice.
I know. Prayer Post-lts!

840
01:00:31,377 --> 01:00:32,753
Shh!

841
01:00:38,551 --> 01:00:42,929
Okay, I need something with a lock,
security, combination, a password.

842
01:00:44,265 --> 01:00:45,766
A password.

843
01:00:46,100 --> 01:00:47,267
Yahweh!

844
01:00:49,687 --> 01:00:51,146
You've got prayers.

845
01:00:52,398 --> 01:00:55,734
"Welcome to the revelation
superhighway.

846
01:00:55,818 --> 01:00:59,029
"We bless. No mess."
Downloading now.

847
01:01:02,367 --> 01:01:04,076
It's good. It's good.

848
01:01:06,996 --> 01:01:09,081
This is gonna take a while.

849
01:01:14,754 --> 01:01:16,505
One million and five hundred
forty seven thousand

850
01:01:16,589 --> 01:01:19,216
five hundred and three
prayer requests?

851
01:01:21,928 --> 01:01:24,012
I'd better manifest some coffee.

852
01:01:27,016 --> 01:01:29,434
Hola, Juan Valdéz.

853
01:01:30,687 --> 01:01:32,396
Buenos días.
Buenos días.

854
01:01:32,480 --> 01:01:35,357
Disfrute un buen café.
Gracias, señor.

855
01:01:35,441 --> 01:01:38,151
Adiós.
Adiós.

856
01:01:44,158 --> 01:01:48,245
Now, that's fresh mountain-grown
coffee from the hills of Colombia.

857
01:02:09,559 --> 01:02:12,310
It's good. It's good!

858
01:02:16,357 --> 01:02:19,985
Okay, I had to have made
some kind of a dent by now.

859
01:02:22,405 --> 01:02:24,156
Oh, come on!

860
01:02:26,409 --> 01:02:29,995
What a bunch of whiners. This
is gonna suck up my whole life.

861
01:02:31,664 --> 01:02:33,248
You know what?

862
01:02:35,835 --> 01:02:37,878
Yes to all!

863
01:02:38,963 --> 01:02:42,966
Yeah, there you go.
Now everybody's happy.

864
01:02:51,851 --> 01:02:55,854
I'll drink to that. My tech
stocks tripled in five days.

865
01:02:55,938 --> 01:02:58,356
You know something, Joe?
You seem taller.

866
01:02:58,441 --> 01:02:59,441
I am.

867
01:02:59,525 --> 01:03:00,942
My daughter pitched
a no-hitter.

868
01:03:01,027 --> 01:03:04,112
I lost 47 pounds
on the Krispy Kreme diet.

869
01:03:04,197 --> 01:03:07,324
Hey, there he is,
the man of the hour!

870
01:03:07,408 --> 01:03:11,369
Bless you. Bless all of you.

871
01:03:11,454 --> 01:03:15,707
Be fruitful and do long
division or something.

872
01:03:16,334 --> 01:03:18,502
Hey, try that.
It's an excellent year.

873
01:03:18,586 --> 01:03:20,295
Hey, Bruce.
Hey.

874
01:03:20,379 --> 01:03:21,588
Who do you like
in the game tonight?

875
01:03:21,672 --> 01:03:25,133
I like the Sabres. Coach
prays a lot. Okay.

876
01:03:27,512 --> 01:03:31,181
♪ And I hear it in the windy storm ♪

877
01:03:31,265 --> 01:03:34,726
♪ And I feel it in the icy dawn ♪

878
01:03:35,937 --> 01:03:39,564
♪ God gave me everything I want,
now, come on ♪

879
01:03:39,649 --> 01:03:43,235
♪ I'll give it all to you, babe ♪

880
01:03:43,402 --> 01:03:45,987
♪ God gave me everything I want ♪

881
01:03:46,572 --> 01:03:49,407
Hey, this is Bruce, Grace
and Sam. Leave a message.

882
01:03:49,492 --> 01:03:51,201
Grace, are you there?

883
01:03:51,285 --> 01:03:52,786
Hello. It's me.

884
01:03:53,120 --> 01:03:55,622
Hello? Hello, hello,
hello, hello, hello.

885
01:03:55,706 --> 01:03:57,958
Come on, Grace.
Come to the party.

886
01:03:58,960 --> 01:04:00,627
I'll call you later, okay?

887
01:04:03,422 --> 01:04:04,923
Come on, Sam.

888
01:04:08,261 --> 01:04:09,302
Help me out here.

889
01:04:09,720 --> 01:04:11,805
Nature's not doing it.

890
01:04:11,889 --> 01:04:14,641
What'd you wish when you...
Oh, Sam, don't! Come on!

891
01:04:14,767 --> 01:04:17,352
Come on. Tell me. If I told
you, it might not come true.

892
01:04:17,436 --> 01:04:20,397
What is it you want, Mary?
What do you want?

893
01:04:20,481 --> 01:04:22,232
You... You want the moon?

894
01:04:22,316 --> 01:04:25,694
Just say the word, and I'll throw a
lasso around it and pull it down.

895
01:04:25,778 --> 01:04:28,029
Hey, that's a pretty good idea.

896
01:04:28,114 --> 01:04:30,574
I'll give you the moon, Mary.
I'll take it.

897
01:04:31,659 --> 01:04:33,034
Then what?

898
01:04:33,119 --> 01:04:36,705
Well, then you could swallow it,
and it'll all dissolve, see?

899
01:04:36,789 --> 01:04:40,292
The moonbeams would shoot out
of your fingers and your toes

900
01:04:40,376 --> 01:04:41,751
and the ends of your hair...

901
01:04:54,181 --> 01:04:56,641
Hey, this is Bruce,
Grace and Sam...

902
01:04:58,144 --> 01:04:59,644
Hi, Bruce.

903
01:05:02,356 --> 01:05:04,107
What are you doing in here
all alone?

904
01:05:04,191 --> 01:05:07,944
Oh, I was just gonna...
Oh, I mean...

905
01:05:10,823 --> 01:05:13,700
I was gonna give Grace a call.

906
01:05:13,784 --> 01:05:15,493
Yeah, I didn't see her in there.

907
01:05:15,578 --> 01:05:18,496
So, how are you and Grace doing?

908
01:05:18,581 --> 01:05:21,875
Well, actually,
we had a bit of a fight.

909
01:05:21,959 --> 01:05:24,794
Kind of...
I'm not sure if she's...

910
01:05:24,879 --> 01:05:26,463
You're on fire, Bruce.

911
01:05:27,465 --> 01:05:29,758
Some women can't handle the fire.

912
01:05:30,676 --> 01:05:32,177
Some can.

913
01:05:32,845 --> 01:05:37,223
That's interesting, 'cause, you know,
I never thought we would ever talk.

914
01:05:48,069 --> 01:05:49,569
Grace!

915
01:05:56,077 --> 01:05:57,994
♪ Everything so confusing ♪

916
01:05:58,079 --> 01:06:01,957
You might wanna stop touching me.
Now isn't a good time. Grace!

917
01:06:02,041 --> 01:06:03,625
♪ Maybe I'm just out of my mind ♪

918
01:06:03,709 --> 01:06:06,711
Grace! Grace, come here!

919
01:06:07,296 --> 01:06:10,173
Grace, this is so weird.
I was just calling you.

920
01:06:10,257 --> 01:06:11,257
Oh, yeah. What?

921
01:06:11,342 --> 01:06:13,885
And you thought, like,
Susan's mouth was the phone?

922
01:06:13,970 --> 01:06:15,929
She kissed me. I didn't...
I'm the "kissee."

923
01:06:16,013 --> 01:06:17,055
Oh, please.
Grace...

924
01:06:17,139 --> 01:06:18,598
Yeah, you were putting up
a really big fight.

925
01:06:18,683 --> 01:06:21,483
I tried to fight her off. I tried to
stop her, but she's really strong.

926
01:06:21,560 --> 01:06:23,979
Okay, I screwed up.
Can I make it up to you?

927
01:06:24,063 --> 01:06:27,148
Yeah! Why don't
you get me a boat, Bruce.

928
01:06:27,233 --> 01:06:28,692
What?
Yeah, a big boat.

929
01:06:28,776 --> 01:06:32,821
And then maybe two big bags of cash.
Then... Then I'll be happy.

930
01:06:32,905 --> 01:06:34,990
Lots of money and lots of stuff.

931
01:06:35,074 --> 01:06:38,118
Other people want idiotic crap like
getting married or having babies

932
01:06:38,202 --> 01:06:40,043
with the man that
they've loved for five years.

933
01:06:40,121 --> 01:06:43,248
But not me, Bruce.
Just give me the boat.

934
01:06:43,332 --> 01:06:45,000
No wonder you stayed single!

935
01:06:45,084 --> 01:06:48,670
Oh! Grace, don't do this!
I'm not doing this.

936
01:06:48,754 --> 01:06:50,672
I'm undoing it.
I'll be at Debbie's.

937
01:06:50,756 --> 01:06:52,756
You take care of Sam
until I can make arrangements.

938
01:06:55,928 --> 01:06:57,887
You can't leave me.

939
01:06:59,432 --> 01:07:03,977
I'm the alpha, lady!
I'm the omega, baby!

940
01:07:05,146 --> 01:07:07,564
Okay, fine. I don't need you.

941
01:07:13,779 --> 01:07:18,241
What's the matter, Bruce? She can't
handle a little competition?

942
01:07:19,285 --> 01:07:21,661
The game's been called
on account of rain.

943
01:07:37,261 --> 01:07:41,890
An unusually high number of lottery
winners has New York officials concerned.

944
01:07:41,974 --> 01:07:44,768
So far, 1,100 winning tickets
have been turned in,

945
01:07:44,852 --> 01:07:47,645
all strangely
from the Buffalo area.

946
01:07:48,647 --> 01:07:50,648
More on this story as it develops.

947
01:07:51,817 --> 01:07:53,693
Enjoying your party?

948
01:07:53,778 --> 01:07:56,988
Nothing like spending quality
time with great friends, huh?

949
01:07:59,075 --> 01:08:01,242
Grace left me.

950
01:08:01,327 --> 01:08:03,203
Yeah, I know.

951
01:08:03,287 --> 01:08:04,788
She'll take me back.

952
01:08:08,167 --> 01:08:11,669
She'll take me back, right?
Would you take you back?

953
01:08:15,424 --> 01:08:16,925
Oh.

954
01:08:17,718 --> 01:08:21,930
How do you make somebody love you
without affecting free will?

955
01:08:22,014 --> 01:08:24,140
Welcome to my world, son.

956
01:08:24,225 --> 01:08:27,769
You come up with an answer to
that one, you let me know.

957
01:08:37,029 --> 01:08:39,280
Rise and shine, Buffalo.

958
01:08:39,365 --> 01:08:43,284
It's 70 and sunny, and the
perfect day to forgive Bruce.

959
01:08:43,369 --> 01:08:45,870
♪ I don't know much ♪

960
01:08:46,956 --> 01:08:49,833
♪ But I know I love you ♪

961
01:08:53,629 --> 01:08:55,964
Bye.
Have fun.

962
01:08:56,048 --> 01:08:57,298
You got it.

963
01:08:57,383 --> 01:09:01,761
♪ Every point of view
has another angle ♪

964
01:09:02,388 --> 01:09:05,682
♪ And every angle has its merit ♪

965
01:09:05,766 --> 01:09:09,227
♪ And do you ever feel ♪

966
01:09:09,728 --> 01:09:13,231
♪ That there is something missing ♪

967
01:09:15,151 --> 01:09:19,654
♪ There's a God-shaped hole
in all of us ♪

968
01:09:19,738 --> 01:09:20,989
♪ And the restless soul is searching ♪

969
01:09:21,073 --> 01:09:23,449
Hi. Can I get
a small coffee to go?

970
01:09:23,534 --> 01:09:24,659
Sure, hon. Just a sec.

971
01:09:24,743 --> 01:09:29,664
K-Tel Records brings you the 100
greatest love songs of all time.

972
01:09:29,748 --> 01:09:33,168
You'll hear such classics as
"All You Need Is Bruce."

973
01:09:33,252 --> 01:09:37,005
"If You Can't Be With The One
You Love, Then Love Bruce."

974
01:09:37,089 --> 01:09:39,465
"Do That To Bruce
One More Time."

975
01:09:39,550 --> 01:09:44,512
And who can forget that classic, "Bruce
So Horny, He Love You Long Time."

976
01:09:44,597 --> 01:09:49,893
Order today and we'll throw in at no extra
charge the video Sweatin' To Bruce.

977
01:09:49,977 --> 01:09:56,107
Just dial 1-900-4GIV HIM. That's
1-900-4GIV HIM. Do it now.

978
01:09:56,192 --> 01:09:59,569
♪ Do you ever feel ♪

979
01:09:59,653 --> 01:10:02,780
♪ That there is something missing ♪

980
01:10:04,950 --> 01:10:09,787
♪ There's a God-shaped hole
in all of us ♪

981
01:10:09,872 --> 01:10:14,209
♪ And the restless soul is searching ♪

982
01:10:14,293 --> 01:10:19,005
♪ There's a God-shaped hole
in all of us ♪

983
01:10:19,089 --> 01:10:24,594
♪ And it's a void only he can fill ♪

984
01:10:24,678 --> 01:10:27,222
Oh, no, no, no. Honey, no. Oh, gosh,
please don't put that in your mouth.

985
01:10:27,306 --> 01:10:29,182
We don't eat that.
Oh, that's not food.

986
01:10:29,266 --> 01:10:33,937
Go to the bathroom, please. Wash out
your mouth. Wash off your hands.

987
01:10:34,021 --> 01:10:36,689
God, I swear that kid
is gonna poop an ornament.

988
01:10:36,774 --> 01:10:39,984
One more time, you're gonna
be in a lot of trouble.

989
01:10:40,986 --> 01:10:43,446
All right.
That's it! That's it!

990
01:10:44,281 --> 01:10:45,657
Hi.

991
01:10:46,408 --> 01:10:50,286
I surrender!
I surrender! I surrender.

992
01:10:54,166 --> 01:10:55,667
Hi.
Hi.

993
01:10:59,838 --> 01:11:06,094
I'm doing my first anchor tonight.
Oh, wow! That's great!

994
01:11:06,178 --> 01:11:07,929
So how have you been doing?
Good.

995
01:11:08,013 --> 01:11:09,847
Yeah?
Yeah. Good.

996
01:11:10,766 --> 01:11:14,686
Just... Debbie won the lottery.
Oh, yeah? You're kidding.

997
01:11:14,770 --> 01:11:20,275
But I guess so did 400,000 other
people, so she only won, like, $17.

998
01:11:23,737 --> 01:11:25,029
I miss you.

999
01:11:28,784 --> 01:11:30,660
Okay.

1000
01:11:30,744 --> 01:11:34,580
I took the first step.
Jumped out on the ledge.

1001
01:11:36,333 --> 01:11:37,959
Feeling pretty vulnerable too.

1002
01:11:38,043 --> 01:11:39,252
I don't know
what you want me to say.

1003
01:11:39,336 --> 01:11:40,976
Just say you love me
and you want me back.

1004
01:11:41,005 --> 01:11:44,382
No, Bruce. Come on. What
about all the signs?

1005
01:11:44,466 --> 01:11:48,303
How did you know about that?
Did you talk to Debbie?

1006
01:11:48,387 --> 01:11:51,431
Look, would it help if I just
said that I was a complete ass?

1007
01:11:51,515 --> 01:11:54,183
Hey, you said "ass."
Yeah, but it's okay

1008
01:11:54,268 --> 01:11:55,560
if I'm talking about a donkey.

1009
01:11:55,602 --> 01:11:58,855
I didn't say "hole." if I said "ass"...
Wait! Wait!

1010
01:11:58,939 --> 01:12:01,107
Okay, you know what, honey?
Let's go. Let's go inside.

1011
01:12:01,191 --> 01:12:04,235
All right, kids. Everybody inside.
Time to go inside.

1012
01:12:04,320 --> 01:12:08,990
Grace, please, none of this
seems right without you.

1013
01:12:13,495 --> 01:12:14,954
Yeah, I got to go.

1014
01:12:15,789 --> 01:12:17,081
Wait!

1015
01:12:24,006 --> 01:12:25,673
How do you feel now?

1016
01:12:29,011 --> 01:12:31,804
Have you completely
lost your mind?

1017
01:12:31,930 --> 01:12:35,558
What? Are you drunk? Yeah, I'm drunk.
Drunk with power.

1018
01:12:40,731 --> 01:12:43,900
Love me. Love me.

1019
01:12:44,735 --> 01:12:47,945
Love me. Love me!

1020
01:12:49,823 --> 01:12:51,074
I did.

1021
01:13:03,962 --> 01:13:06,964
Yeah, I know, free will.
Oh, God.

1022
01:13:07,383 --> 01:13:11,844
More power outages reported today
caused by last week's meteorite strike.

1023
01:13:11,929 --> 01:13:15,681
Officials are desperately trying
to repair several transformers

1024
01:13:15,766 --> 01:13:18,059
damaged by
the ensuing electrical surge.

1025
01:13:18,143 --> 01:13:19,685
The scene nearly turned violent

1026
01:13:19,770 --> 01:13:22,105
when hundreds of
disgruntled Buffalo residents

1027
01:13:22,189 --> 01:13:25,191
protested last week's
lottery results.

1028
01:13:25,275 --> 01:13:28,736
And doomsayers are pointing to last
week's strange celestial events

1029
01:13:28,821 --> 01:13:31,906
as signs that prophesy
is now being fulfilled

1030
01:13:31,990 --> 01:13:34,325
and the world as we know it
may be coming to an end.

1031
01:13:35,994 --> 01:13:37,036
World's gone mad.

1032
01:13:37,454 --> 01:13:39,330
Bruce, 30 seconds to air.
Okay. Okay.

1033
01:13:39,415 --> 01:13:42,542
There you are. It's your big debut.
How are you feeling?

1034
01:13:42,626 --> 01:13:46,170
You know what? Fine.
Never better.

1035
01:13:46,255 --> 01:13:47,713
Show must go on, right?

1036
01:13:51,635 --> 01:13:55,430
The Sabres just won the Stanley Cup.
You're kidding me!

1037
01:13:55,514 --> 01:13:58,015
Was that tonight?
That's great, isn't it?

1038
01:13:58,100 --> 01:13:59,934
It's getting pretty crazy
out there.

1039
01:14:00,018 --> 01:14:02,770
We're gonna kick live to Fred
at the stadium, okay?

1040
01:14:02,855 --> 01:14:05,273
Five seconds to the open.
This is it.

1041
01:14:05,357 --> 01:14:07,316
You ready?
Born that way.

1042
01:14:07,401 --> 01:14:10,570
Welcome to Eyewitness News
at 6:00, with Susan Ortega,

1043
01:14:11,447 --> 01:14:12,947
Bruce Nolan,

1044
01:14:13,031 --> 01:14:15,908
Fred Donohue, sports,
Dallas Coleman, weather.

1045
01:14:15,993 --> 01:14:18,119
And now, Buffalo's
number-one news team.

1046
01:14:18,203 --> 01:14:20,329
I'm Susan Ortega.
I'm Bruce Nolan.

1047
01:14:20,414 --> 01:14:22,582
And here's what's making news.

1048
01:14:23,709 --> 01:14:26,210
What happened? What the hell happened?
We lost power.

1049
01:14:26,295 --> 01:14:28,504
Transformer's down again.
Oh, geez.

1050
01:14:28,589 --> 01:14:30,631
Ever since that
damn meteorite hit.

1051
01:14:32,718 --> 01:14:34,010
It's okay. We're back up.

1052
01:14:34,261 --> 01:14:35,261
We apologize for the interruption.

1053
01:14:35,554 --> 01:14:37,138
And now back to the news.
Bruce.

1054
01:14:37,222 --> 01:14:38,639
Thank you, Susan.
I'm sorry.

1055
01:14:38,724 --> 01:14:40,975
We're going live
to H. S. B. C. Arena,

1056
01:14:41,059 --> 01:14:44,312
where the Buffalo Sabres
have won the Stanley Cup.

1057
01:14:44,396 --> 01:14:45,605
Great.
Fred.

1058
01:14:45,689 --> 01:14:47,565
We're about to uncork
some champagne

1059
01:14:47,649 --> 01:14:53,196
because the Sabres have won their
first championship in 22 years!

1060
01:14:55,616 --> 01:14:57,241
What in the blue blazes...

1061
01:14:57,326 --> 01:15:01,996
We'll be back with the Sabres' Stanley
Cup victory in just a hot second.

1062
01:15:02,080 --> 01:15:05,124
In other news... Bloody hell!

1063
01:15:05,250 --> 01:15:07,543
For the love of God, what is it now?
The whole booth is down.

1064
01:15:07,628 --> 01:15:11,964
No, it's not! In other news,
fighting erupted

1065
01:15:12,049 --> 01:15:17,053
in the Gaza Strip today, as
lsraelis and Palestinians...

1066
01:15:17,137 --> 01:15:18,346
Bruce.
What?

1067
01:15:18,430 --> 01:15:21,682
We've got a situation here. They're
rioting right outside the station.

1068
01:15:21,767 --> 01:15:25,061
You're kidding.
The whole town has gone crazy.

1069
01:15:29,942 --> 01:15:32,693
Come on, Bruce.
Say something.

1070
01:15:32,778 --> 01:15:36,239
Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
this just in.

1071
01:15:36,949 --> 01:15:42,328
Possibly, the biggest breaking news
story this town has ever seen.

1072
01:15:49,586 --> 01:15:51,379
And I got to go.

1073
01:15:52,673 --> 01:15:54,298
I'm sorry, Jack.

1074
01:15:55,592 --> 01:15:57,802
Susan, it's all yours.

1075
01:16:01,306 --> 01:16:05,268
Sabres! Sabres rule!

1076
01:16:08,146 --> 01:16:11,899
Repent!
The end is near! Repent!

1077
01:16:16,488 --> 01:16:19,448
Come back
with my bubble gum machine!

1078
01:16:24,288 --> 01:16:29,208
The lottery sucks!
I only won 17 bucks!

1079
01:16:31,169 --> 01:16:33,879
Channel 7 fries!

1080
01:16:33,964 --> 01:16:36,716
Oh! Oh, no!

1081
01:16:48,854 --> 01:16:52,398
God!

1082
01:16:53,692 --> 01:16:55,151
God?

1083
01:16:56,528 --> 01:16:58,029
Are you here?

1084
01:17:01,491 --> 01:17:07,622
Hello? I need your help.
Clap on. Clap on.

1085
01:17:07,706 --> 01:17:11,417
Clap on! Clap on! Clap on!

1086
01:17:15,297 --> 01:17:16,672
Figures!

1087
01:17:20,302 --> 01:17:23,638
Well, hello there, Bruce Almighty.

1088
01:17:26,224 --> 01:17:30,019
Not as easy as it looks, is it, son?
This God business.

1089
01:17:30,979 --> 01:17:32,730
They're all out of control.

1090
01:17:33,649 --> 01:17:36,359
It's mayhem.
I don't know what to do.

1091
01:17:36,443 --> 01:17:39,403
Well, you're
right on time, 7:00.

1092
01:17:42,491 --> 01:17:44,283
The seventh at 7:00.

1093
01:17:59,007 --> 01:18:01,467
All righty then.

1094
01:18:03,553 --> 01:18:07,098
There we are.
It's good. It's good!

1095
01:18:08,725 --> 01:18:10,601
It's a wonderful thing.

1096
01:18:10,686 --> 01:18:15,481
No matter how filthy something gets,
you can always clean it right up.

1097
01:18:16,733 --> 01:18:19,819
There were so many, I just gave
them all what they wanted.

1098
01:18:19,903 --> 01:18:21,112
Yeah.

1099
01:18:22,322 --> 01:18:25,991
But since when does anyone have
a clue about what they want?

1100
01:18:28,662 --> 01:18:30,830
So what do I do?

1101
01:18:33,959 --> 01:18:37,503
Parting your soup is not a miracle, Bruce.
It's a magic trick.

1102
01:18:39,089 --> 01:18:41,590
A single mom
who's working two jobs

1103
01:18:41,675 --> 01:18:44,468
and still finds time to take
her kid to soccer practice,

1104
01:18:44,553 --> 01:18:46,053
that's a miracle.

1105
01:18:46,138 --> 01:18:48,013
A teenager who says no to drugs

1106
01:18:48,098 --> 01:18:51,809
and yes to an education,
that's a miracle.

1107
01:18:53,478 --> 01:18:55,521
People want me
to do everything for them.

1108
01:18:55,605 --> 01:18:58,941
But what they don't realize
is they have the power.

1109
01:19:00,110 --> 01:19:04,155
You wanna see a miracle, son?
Be the miracle.

1110
01:19:08,326 --> 01:19:10,161
Wait. Are you leaving?

1111
01:19:11,163 --> 01:19:13,998
Yeah. I see that
you can handle things now.

1112
01:19:14,082 --> 01:19:17,168
But what if I need you.
What if I have questions?

1113
01:19:17,252 --> 01:19:21,589
That's your problem, Bruce.
That's everybody's problem.

1114
01:19:21,673 --> 01:19:23,174
You keep looking up.

1115
01:19:27,637 --> 01:19:31,766
Order has been restored in Buffalo
after this evening's downtown riot.

1116
01:19:31,850 --> 01:19:36,687
State officials have suspended all lottery
sales pending further investigation.

1117
01:19:36,772 --> 01:19:40,733
No injuries were reported in the
melee, however, there were dozens...

1118
01:20:19,815 --> 01:20:24,193
♪ I've got to be honest
I think you know ♪

1119
01:20:24,736 --> 01:20:29,198
♪ We're covered in lies
and that's okay ♪

1120
01:20:29,282 --> 01:20:30,324
Okay.

1121
01:20:30,408 --> 01:20:32,368
♪ There's somewhere
beyond this I know ♪

1122
01:20:32,452 --> 01:20:34,495
Well, thanks a million.
Oh, not a problem.

1123
01:20:34,579 --> 01:20:35,788
God bless.

1124
01:20:35,872 --> 01:20:38,415
♪ Hope I can find the words to say ♪

1125
01:20:39,751 --> 01:20:41,335
♪ Never again, no ♪

1126
01:20:41,419 --> 01:20:45,339
Bruce giveth
and Bruce taketh away.

1127
01:20:45,423 --> 01:20:48,342
If you don't like it, megabyte me.

1128
01:20:48,426 --> 01:20:53,264
♪ 'Cause you're a god and I am not ♪

1129
01:20:53,348 --> 01:20:56,851
♪ And I just thought
that you would know ♪

1130
01:20:56,935 --> 01:20:59,478
Evan.
Bruce.

1131
01:21:02,065 --> 01:21:04,817
I suppose you're here to gloat
about the anchor position.

1132
01:21:04,901 --> 01:21:08,779
Go ahead. Take your best shot.
Actually, I...

1133
01:21:10,574 --> 01:21:13,868
I just came to tell you
that I've been a royal prick.

1134
01:21:13,952 --> 01:21:17,496
The anchor position is yours.
I turned down the job.

1135
01:21:17,581 --> 01:21:20,666
Oh, and I never really congratulated
you in the first place.

1136
01:21:21,960 --> 01:21:23,294
Congratulations.

1137
01:21:23,378 --> 01:21:26,255
♪ 'Cause you're a God and I am not ♪

1138
01:21:26,339 --> 01:21:28,090
Thanks, Bruce.

1139
01:21:28,174 --> 01:21:31,093
In the financial world, things
are settling back to normal

1140
01:21:31,177 --> 01:21:34,388
in what analysts are calling
a fluke market fluctuation.

1141
01:21:34,472 --> 01:21:37,224
You made the right move, Jack.
So what about you?

1142
01:21:37,309 --> 01:21:39,435
Are you ready
to go back out there?

1143
01:21:40,353 --> 01:21:43,188
And do the cutesy stuff?
The lighter side of the news?

1144
01:21:43,273 --> 01:21:47,192
Lower and debase myself for the
amusement of total strangers?

1145
01:21:47,319 --> 01:21:50,779
Yeah, I could do that.
Sounds like fun. Good.

1146
01:21:52,032 --> 01:21:55,534
Okay, Sammy, let's do it right,
like all the other dogs.

1147
01:21:55,619 --> 01:21:58,078
I don't wanna make you feel bad,
but they're laughing at you.

1148
01:21:58,163 --> 01:21:59,288
They're laughing at you.

1149
01:21:59,372 --> 01:22:03,709
Come on. Concentrate. There you go.
Come on. Pump it out if you have to.

1150
01:22:03,793 --> 01:22:05,669
What am I gonna do with you?

1151
01:22:08,632 --> 01:22:11,258
I know this seems kind of crazy,

1152
01:22:11,343 --> 01:22:15,888
but desperate times
calls for desperate measures.

1153
01:22:15,972 --> 01:22:19,600
Yeah. Okay. Okay, Sammy.

1154
01:22:19,684 --> 01:22:21,435
Do your thing.

1155
01:22:21,519 --> 01:22:25,439
That's it. That's it.
Good boy!

1156
01:22:27,150 --> 01:22:28,567
Training my dog.

1157
01:22:30,445 --> 01:22:35,491
♪ 'Cause you're a God and I am not ♪

1158
01:22:35,575 --> 01:22:40,245
♪ And I just thought
that you would know ♪

1159
01:22:40,330 --> 01:22:45,125
♪ You're a God and I am not ♪

1160
01:22:45,210 --> 01:22:48,629
♪ And I just thought I'd let you go ♪

1161
01:22:48,713 --> 01:22:52,466
Yes, we did it! We did it!

1162
01:22:52,592 --> 01:22:54,718
Bow-wow-wow
Yippee-yo, yippee-yay.

1163
01:22:54,803 --> 01:22:57,596
We're doing it doggy style.

1164
01:22:59,474 --> 01:23:03,727
I'll alert Penthouse Forum.
Hi, Deb. How are you?

1165
01:23:04,562 --> 01:23:05,854
How's Grace?

1166
01:23:05,939 --> 01:23:08,732
I really didn't come to chat, okay, Bruce?
I came for Grace's stuff.

1167
01:23:14,906 --> 01:23:18,367
You need...
No, it's okay. I've got it.

1168
01:23:25,250 --> 01:23:29,420
I don't... I don't know if she... l
don't know if she wants that or not.

1169
01:23:33,508 --> 01:23:36,468
This is full.
You did all this?

1170
01:23:47,856 --> 01:23:50,024
You know what I do every night
before I go to bed?

1171
01:23:50,108 --> 01:23:54,278
I tuck my kids in, maybe have a
scoop of ice cream and watch Conan.

1172
01:23:55,822 --> 01:23:57,448
You know what Grace does?

1173
01:23:58,950 --> 01:24:00,451
She prays.

1174
01:24:02,620 --> 01:24:04,204
Most of the time for you.

1175
01:24:26,311 --> 01:24:29,480
Find Grace Connelly.

1176
01:24:32,817 --> 01:24:34,526
The woman does pray a lot.

1177
01:24:36,196 --> 01:24:39,615
Find Grace, then Bruce.

1178
01:24:40,617 --> 01:24:45,079
"Dear God, please help Bruce find
himself, find contentment, find you.

1179
01:24:45,163 --> 01:24:48,665
"Dear God, please help Bruce.
He seems to be struggling.

1180
01:24:48,750 --> 01:24:50,751
"Dear God, give Bruce strength.

1181
01:24:50,835 --> 01:24:52,377
"Dear God, bless Bruce."

1182
01:24:52,462 --> 01:24:54,004
Bruce. Bruce. Bruce.

1183
01:24:57,675 --> 01:24:59,093
It's her.

1184
01:24:59,928 --> 01:25:03,680
Sammy, it's her. She's logging on.
She's praying right now.

1185
01:25:05,600 --> 01:25:07,017
Grace.

1186
01:25:10,688 --> 01:25:12,523
Please, God.

1187
01:25:14,109 --> 01:25:17,569
Please. I still love him.

1188
01:25:19,864 --> 01:25:22,449
But I don't wanna
love him anymore.

1189
01:25:23,076 --> 01:25:25,994
I don't wanna hurt anymore.
Please.

1190
01:25:26,079 --> 01:25:27,704
Help me forget.

1191
01:25:28,790 --> 01:25:34,962
Please help me let him go.

1192
01:25:55,733 --> 01:25:57,151
You win!

1193
01:25:58,611 --> 01:26:00,320
I'm done!

1194
01:26:00,405 --> 01:26:03,949
Please, I don't wanna
do this anymore.

1195
01:26:05,243 --> 01:26:07,411
I don't wanna be God.

1196
01:26:08,037 --> 01:26:10,956
I want you to decide
what's right for me.

1197
01:26:11,457 --> 01:26:14,293
I surrender to your will!

1198
01:26:44,782 --> 01:26:45,949
Am I...

1199
01:26:46,034 --> 01:26:47,701
You can't kneel down
in the middle of a highway

1200
01:26:47,785 --> 01:26:50,078
and live to talk about it, son.

1201
01:26:50,580 --> 01:26:52,122
But why?

1202
01:26:53,458 --> 01:26:55,167
Why now?

1203
01:26:55,251 --> 01:27:00,005
Bruce, you have a divine spark.

1204
01:27:00,757 --> 01:27:04,635
You have the gift for bringing
joy and laughter to the world.

1205
01:27:05,803 --> 01:27:07,971
I know. I created you.

1206
01:27:09,474 --> 01:27:10,515
Quit bragging.

1207
01:27:10,600 --> 01:27:14,102
See. That's... That's
what I'm talking about.

1208
01:27:14,187 --> 01:27:16,063
That's the spark.

1209
01:27:21,194 --> 01:27:23,070
What do you want me to do?

1210
01:27:24,322 --> 01:27:26,740
I want you to pray, son.

1211
01:27:26,824 --> 01:27:29,451
Go ahead. Use them.

1212
01:27:35,833 --> 01:27:39,169
Lord, feed the hungry.

1213
01:27:39,254 --> 01:27:43,674
And bring peace to

1214
01:27:43,758 --> 01:27:46,009
all of mankind.

1215
01:27:48,012 --> 01:27:50,347
How's that?
Great.

1216
01:27:50,431 --> 01:27:53,350
If you wanna be Miss America.

1217
01:27:53,434 --> 01:27:56,979
Now, come on.
What do you really care about?

1218
01:28:01,484 --> 01:28:03,068
Grace.

1219
01:28:03,861 --> 01:28:07,364
Grace. You want her back?

1220
01:28:13,329 --> 01:28:14,788
No.

1221
01:28:16,541 --> 01:28:18,750
I want her to be happy.

1222
01:28:20,920 --> 01:28:23,088
No matter what that means.

1223
01:28:23,172 --> 01:28:25,882
I want her to find someone

1224
01:28:25,967 --> 01:28:28,635
who will treat her

1225
01:28:28,720 --> 01:28:31,513
with all the love

1226
01:28:31,597 --> 01:28:33,890
she deserved from me.

1227
01:28:36,102 --> 01:28:38,395
I want her to meet someone

1228
01:28:43,651 --> 01:28:46,695
who will see her always

1229
01:28:46,779 --> 01:28:49,239
as I do now

1230
01:28:53,578 --> 01:28:55,412
through your eyes.

1231
01:28:56,414 --> 01:28:59,666
Now, that's a prayer.
Yeah?

1232
01:29:00,335 --> 01:29:01,877
Yeah.

1233
01:29:02,587 --> 01:29:05,672
It's good.
It's good.

1234
01:29:05,757 --> 01:29:07,382
It's good!

1235
01:29:08,968 --> 01:29:10,927
I'm gonna get right on it.

1236
01:29:12,096 --> 01:29:13,805
Clear!
Whoa!

1237
01:29:13,890 --> 01:29:16,350
That didn't feel very good.
Clear!

1238
01:29:17,435 --> 01:29:19,311
Got a rhythm.

1239
01:29:19,395 --> 01:29:21,271
All right. I got a pulse.
All right. Let's set him up.

1240
01:29:21,356 --> 01:29:23,899
Yeah. Get the backboard
and brace.

1241
01:29:27,612 --> 01:29:29,154
Bruce?

1242
01:29:31,115 --> 01:29:32,407
Bruce?

1243
01:29:34,077 --> 01:29:35,535
Welcome back.

1244
01:29:36,454 --> 01:29:40,499
You're lucky to be alive, son.
Someone up there must like you.

1245
01:29:55,890 --> 01:29:59,226
I hear all that stuff winds
up in a warehouse somewhere.

1246
01:30:02,647 --> 01:30:04,481
Grace.

1247
01:30:06,109 --> 01:30:07,818
Hi, baby.

1248
01:30:09,821 --> 01:30:13,073
Oh. Oh, my God,
look at you.

1249
01:30:14,158 --> 01:30:17,744
I was such an idiot.
It's okay.

1250
01:30:17,829 --> 01:30:21,331
It's okay.

1251
01:30:24,544 --> 01:30:27,921
I don't know
what I would have done.

1252
01:30:28,005 --> 01:30:32,676
Oh, God. I swear I wanted
to be mad at you forever.

1253
01:30:44,856 --> 01:30:47,149
Now you're just showing off.

1254
01:30:58,202 --> 01:31:02,497
This is Bruce Nolan here at Buffalo's
First-Annual "Be the Miracle" Blood Drive.

1255
01:31:02,582 --> 01:31:06,543
It's a B-E-A-utiful day,
so come on down here.

1256
01:31:06,627 --> 01:31:09,212
Because the life you save
could be mine.

1257
01:31:09,297 --> 01:31:12,799
Let's go over here, where the Kowolskis
have baked a very special cookie

1258
01:31:12,884 --> 01:31:14,259
just for this occasion.

1259
01:31:14,343 --> 01:31:17,429
Sure, it's a little creepy and a
shameless plug, but we love them.

1260
01:31:17,513 --> 01:31:20,557
Thank you, Mama.
Vol, finger... lose.

1261
01:31:21,726 --> 01:31:24,311
I myself, will have given
blood twice this week.

1262
01:31:24,395 --> 01:31:26,646
For those of you
who haven't heard,

1263
01:31:26,731 --> 01:31:32,277
I'd like to introduce you to the
future Mrs. Exclusive, Grace Connelly.

1264
01:31:32,361 --> 01:31:36,907
There she is. Look at her!
Isn't she beautiful?

1265
01:31:38,201 --> 01:31:42,287
She just gave blood, and she still
has enough left to fill up her face.

1266
01:31:42,371 --> 01:31:46,333
Yes, behind every great man, there's
a woman rolling her eyes, folks.

1267
01:31:46,417 --> 01:31:48,168
I'm Bruce Nolan
for Eyewitness News,

1268
01:31:48,252 --> 01:31:51,254
with all the folks down here at the
blood drive, reminding you to...

1269
01:31:51,339 --> 01:31:54,382
Be the miracle!

1270
01:31:55,092 --> 01:31:56,510
You heard them.

1271
01:31:56,594 --> 01:32:00,222
Okay, cut it. Thank you, Bruce.
Thanks, Ally.

1272
01:32:01,516 --> 01:32:04,851
Hey. How was that?
That was great.

1273
01:32:04,936 --> 01:32:06,686
Yeah?
That was really great.

1274
01:32:06,771 --> 01:32:08,855
Now, you still have to go over there.
The nurse is waiting.

1275
01:32:08,940 --> 01:32:11,525
Oh, do I have to?
Oh, it's not gonna hurt.

1276
01:32:11,609 --> 01:32:14,194
In fact, I think you'll
find it quite pleasurable.

1277
01:32:14,278 --> 01:32:15,654
Ooh, baby.

1278
01:32:39,929 --> 01:32:42,013
♪ Are you ready for a miracle? ♪

1279
01:32:42,098 --> 01:32:44,266
♪ Ready as I can be ♪

1280
01:32:44,350 --> 01:32:47,852
♪ Are you ready for a miracle?
It's ready to set you free ♪

1281
01:32:47,937 --> 01:32:53,108
♪ Are you ready?
Ready ♪

1282
01:32:53,192 --> 01:32:56,611
♪ Are you ready for a miracle? ♪

1283
01:32:56,696 --> 01:32:57,196
♪ Oh ♪

1284
01:33:01,409 --> 01:33:04,077
♪ Are you ready? ♪

1285
01:33:04,161 --> 01:33:06,746
♪ Ready for a miracle
Ready, ready, yes, I am ♪

1286
01:33:06,831 --> 01:33:09,082
♪ Are you ready, are you ready
Yes, I am ♪

1287
01:33:09,166 --> 01:33:11,543
♪ Are you ready for a miracle?
Yes ♪

1288
01:33:13,671 --> 01:33:18,675
♪ Who can take a rainbow,
wrap it in a sigh? ♪

1289
01:33:18,759 --> 01:33:24,055
♪ Soak it in the sun and
make a groovy lemon pie ♪

1290
01:33:24,140 --> 01:33:27,225
Oompah.
Loompah.

1291
01:33:28,102 --> 01:33:31,438
Doompah. Oh, geez.

1292
01:33:33,524 --> 01:33:34,608
I'm sorry.

1293
01:33:34,692 --> 01:33:38,028
I'm a very rare blood type.
I'm AB positive.

1294
01:33:39,488 --> 01:33:41,072
Sounds delicious.

1295
01:33:44,660 --> 01:33:47,495
Yeah, well, there, you know, there
are storehouses all over the world.

1296
01:33:47,580 --> 01:33:50,498
You know, all over the...
With tons of stuff on ice.

1297
01:33:50,583 --> 01:33:53,543
And it's... Sorry.
You're like this.

1298
01:33:53,628 --> 01:33:56,421
Sorry. Go on.
Okay.

1299
01:33:56,505 --> 01:33:58,840
Positive. IB positive.
Okay, sorry.

1300
01:33:58,924 --> 01:34:01,468
I have a "rarey"...
Oh!

1301
01:34:02,386 --> 01:34:04,804
She has a "rarey." Okay.

1302
01:34:04,889 --> 01:34:07,307
Well, they need my blood.
I have a very rare blood type.

1303
01:34:07,391 --> 01:34:10,226
I'm AB negative.
I'm IB positive.

1304
01:34:10,353 --> 01:34:13,855
- Am I AB negative or am I...
- I don't know what you are anymore.

1305
01:34:13,939 --> 01:34:17,192
I'm gonna need a fricking
miracle to get to work on time.

1306
01:34:30,081 --> 01:34:31,206
Shit.

1307
01:34:34,794 --> 01:34:35,919
Shit!

1308
01:34:40,424 --> 01:34:41,633
That won't work.

1309
01:34:41,926 --> 01:34:43,176
Other stories in the...

1310
01:34:50,226 --> 01:34:53,520
The prime minister of Sweden
visited Washington today.

1311
01:34:53,604 --> 01:34:55,105
And in other...

1312
01:34:58,901 --> 01:35:00,276
In other...

1313
01:35:02,279 --> 01:35:03,947
In other news...

1314
01:35:08,411 --> 01:35:11,121
I'm Bruce Nolan
for Eyewitness No...

1315
01:35:13,457 --> 01:35:17,127
Eyewitness Nose.
Okay, and clear.

1316
01:35:18,713 --> 01:35:22,382
Be the miracle.
That's right.