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- >Be Anon
- >Walk through Ponyville town square, with a bag of groceries.
- >There is a beautiful day, without any scheduled rains.
- >Celestia's Sun shines brightly from a clear azure sky.
- >Warm, gentle wind carries cheerful tunes of bird's singing. And a spicy but not unpleasant smell of hundreds of civilized horses.
- >And just a bit of manure. Seems like somebody's foal got an emergency.
- >SUDDENLY, loud sound of something crashing into the slate roof.
- >You begin to spin around, to discern what's going on and whether any danger is coming.
- >But adjacent ponies just make frustrated faces and go about their business.
- >You see a familiar gray mare sitting on the ground near the Sofas and Quills shop. Her blond mane is disheveled. With a pieces of broken slate tangled in.
- >She winces from pain and rolls her out of sync eyes in attempt to look at the large lump on her forehead, adorned with bleeding scratches.
- >Door opens and light amber Earth pony stallion steps out.
- >"Hi, Davenport! I've got a mail for you." says the mare.
- >She gets up and begins to rummage through her saddlebags.
- >"Oooooooohhhhhh, Derpy! Not again! I fixed the roof only a week ago!"
- >"Am thorry! I jus dunno wha whenron'!" she answers through an envelope in her mouth.
- >"Oh, gimme that already!" stallion stomps his front hoof and takes envelope in his mouth, trying hard not to connect lips with the mailmare. And walks back into the shop.
- >"What, no tip for the fast delivery?" asks Derpy, sadness in her voice.
- >Davenport spits the mail inside through the door.
- >"Who would've given ME some tips for the frequently ruined roof? This slate isn't exactly a two-bit bauble!" he snorts and slams the door shut.
- >Some more slate rubble fall from the roof.
- >Derpy sighs and tries to wobble. Then winces in pain again and decides against it.
- >You shake your head and sigh.
- >Of course you know the unfortunate gray mailmare. Although you are not acquainted with her very well. But you always feel a strange sympathy for her. You don't know why.
- >Maybe you are just a contrarian and act in spite of the mostly universal irritation that accompanies her.
- >Maybe it's the fact that she hasn't crashed into your roof or a window yet.
- >Anyhow, something nudges you and makes you to step closer.
- "Hey, miss Derpy..."
- >She turns her face to you and looks at the window and at the nearby ash tree at the same time.
- >"Hi, Anon! Sorry, I don't have any mail for you."
- >You shake your head again.
- "Are you alright?"
- >"Eh? Oh, yeah!"
- "Are you sure? Your forehead is bleeding."
- >She refocuses her gaze so now one of her eyes look at you.
- >"I'll manage. I'm a pegasus."
- >You sigh.
- >You take a glass flask out of your bag. Thankfully a chlorhexidine solution is available from the local alchemists. And you was buying medical supplies for your home among other things.
- >You soak a piece of cotton in a flask and carefully apply it to the scratches on Derpy's head.
- >Injuries aren't serious, ponies have a skin almost 2 mm thick and rather durable. Others just going for their business as usual in the face of a scratched pegasus mostly because of this.
- >But it still isn't settles right with you to not offer any help.
- "Here you go!"
- >"Thanks a bunch, Anon! Well, I should go now. I'll drop by if there will be any mail for you!"
- >She opens her large wings and takes off, raising a cloud of dust.
- >You cough, but still stare at her go.
- >You just can't get over this. The majesty of a gracious equine shape getting airborne, with a steady, hasteless flaps of the elegant feathery wings.
- ***
- >Some time later.
- >You are going through Ponyville marketplace. With a bag of groceries and a bag of vegetables.
- >Going past the small street food stand you see Derpy.
- >She buys a muffin. A pony-sized one, which means it's about as large as a whole bread loaf from your home.
- >She holds it with her dexterous wings and sniffs, with an expression of delight.
- >Too bad she was walking all the time while doing this.
- >She stumbles and then collides with a stallion hauling crates.
- >Muffin falls straight under his foreleg...
- >Derpy looks like she wants to say something, but then she just sighs and flies away.
- ***
- >Later that day.
- >You walk from the laundry, hugging the basket of your washed clothes.
- >Near the riverbank you spot Derpy sitting in a tree.
- >Looks like she's got another muffin somewhere.
- >She licks her lips and prepares to take a bite.
- >But the strong gust of wind shakes the tree.
- >Derpy loses her grip on muffin. She frantically tries to catch it with her wingtips but fails.
- >It falls on the ground, right in a mud puddle.
- >The blond mailmare tries to focus her eyes to look at muffin, now ruined and smeared in mud.
- >Her ears drop.
- >Even from a distance you can see the sorrow on her face.
- >You want to go closer, to say something. But again, she opens her wings and takes off.
- >The muffin is left lying in the puddle.
- >Some sparrows land near it, look around suspiciously and begin to peck.
- ***
- >You have some free time from your errands and decide to chill out near the fountain.
- >You marvel at sunshine diffracting through the water drops.
- >Birds are bathing and drinking in a shallow basin.
- >Ponies are either strolling around or laying on a benches around the fountain, chatting or just enjoying the weather.
- >Out of a corner of your eye you see the familiar gray silhouette.
- >Derpy somehow procured the third muffin, which she currently admires while walking past the square.
- >Some foals are playing tag around.
- >Your guts freeze.
- >You want to jump up! To run to her! To make sure that her and her backed treat will be together this time!
- >One of the foals, a little unicorn colt, miscalculates the sharp turn and plops on the stone paving.
- >He collects himself up and begins to cry. His friends stop, unsure what to do.
- >Other ponies approaching the scene, concerned.
- >But Derpy is the nearest one to the foals.
- >She looks at the crying foal, then at her muffin, then at the foal again. Each time managing to look at both of them simultaneously.
- >The mailmare lets out a sigh. She walks up to the little unicorn and nuzzles him gently. He tones the sound down a bit.
- >Derpy holds out the muffin for him, smiling. This time her movements are sharp and precise. Her wingtips are holding the muffin like a vise.
- >The colt looks at her, sniffing. Then smiles timidly and takes the muffin with his telekinesis.
- >Derpy pats his head with her wing and trots away.
- >Third time this day without a muffin.
- ***
- >You open the Sugarcube Corner's door.
- >To be immediately greeted with a radiant cheerful smile, adorned with a cloud of puffy pink mane.
- >"Hi, Nonnie!"
- "Hello, Pinkie. Where's Mrs. Cake?"
- >"Oh, she went somewhere with Mr. Cake. I'm ponning the register for now."
- "Right."
- >She leans on the counter, ears forward.
- >"Sooooooo, wanna something sweet? Or something juicy?" She flutters her eyelashes."Or something sweet and juicy?"
- >Well, it's the springtime after all.
- "Pinkie, I want to buy some ingredients."
- >She cocks her head to the side.
- >"Ingredients? For what?"
- "I want to make muffins."
- >"I can just get you some. There is a fresh batch just out of the oven!"
- "No, I- I want- I need to make some muffins. It's... Personal."
- >She looks at you intently. Her ears do a full circle.
- >"Alright, Anon. Have you ever baked anything?"
- >She asks in an uncharacteristically serious tone.
- "No."
- >She somehow rummages through her mane with her tail and produces a book.
- >"Read this first. It's a very good baking book, with through explanations."
- >But... But! You want to make the muffins and you want to make them now!
- >You open your mouth.
- >And close it.
- >She's right. You want to make muffins and not some kind of Sweetie Belle's culinary chef-d'oeuvre.
- >She extends her tail to you.
- >You take the book and riffle the pages briefly.
- >"Is it OK?"
- >You look at the hieroglyphs. Then at her.
- "Twilight taught me how to read ponish universal. I think I'll manage."
- >"Okie dokie! Read it and then return to me!"
- "Will do."
- >You take the book under your arm and grab the doorknob.
- "Bye!"
- >"See you, Nonny!"
- ***
- >On your way home you go past a huge tree with the windows and the balcony.
- >The Golden Oaks Library, Ponyville's main depository of knowledge and entertainment.
- >When you walk alongside one of the windows you hear voices.
- >"Spike!"
- >"What is it?"
- >"Where's the Big Book of Baking?"
- >"Which one?"
- >"The 3rd edition, published in 2108.
- >"Hmm... 2108 AC... Hey, what the hay?! I could swear it was right here on the shelf just a few hours ago!"
- >You decide to walk faster.
- ***
- >You approach Sugarcube Corner, whistling a tune.
- >You have a basket of mixed berries in one hand and a repurposed saddlebag loaded with the baking foliant over your shoulder.
- >You open the door.
- >"Hello and welcome to Sugarcube Corner!"
- >This time it's not Pinkie but the owner herself, Mrs. Cake.
- >A stocky and powerful azure earth pony mare with a light crimson mane somehow styled in a bun.
- >She smiles at you with a warm gentle smile.
- >Looking at her from the front you can clearly see her massive backside standing out from beyond the lines of her chest.
- >Quite a few times you have overheard stallions calling Mr. Cake 'lucky bastard'.
- >"What would you like, Anon?"
- "Um, hello Mrs. Cake! Is Pinkie around?"
- >"Oh she is, she is!" exclaims Pinkie Pie from behind you, although a moment ago she wasn't there.
- >"Well, yes, very much." Agrees Mrs. Cake.
- >"Have you read it, Nonny?" Pinkie looks you in a eye with a deadpan expression and suddenly you feel chill crawling down your spine.
- "Yes, Pinkie. I've read it. I understood almost everything."
- >"Alrightie then!" her face becomes cheerful and mellow once again.
- >Sometimes, in fact quite often, this pink mare scares you.
- >You take the book out and hand it to her. Pinkie hides it in her mane.
- >"Well, go ahead and buy what you need!" she nudges you towards the counter and looks at you expectingly.
- "Right. "
- "Mrs. Cake, please, I need 2 Kg of white flour, a pack of baking powder, a pack of soda, some ground cinnamon, a pack of brown sugar and a bottle of vanilla extract."
- >"Right away!" Mrs. Cake nods and goes to the shelves to collect what you need.
- >She takes an item after item with her teeth and puts them onto the counter.
- >Then presses some buttons on a cash register with her nose. Register goes 'ding'.
- >"All in all it'll be 10 bits, Anon."
- >You take out two large, golden disks engraved with the Sun out of your purse bag and put them near the goods.
- >"Thank you for your patronage!"
- >You smile at Mrs. Cake and begin to stuff everything into your bag.
- >It comes out rather weighty, but life in Equestria made you much stronger than you was at home so it's OK.
- >"Packed up everything? Now, let's go to your place!" says Pinkie from over your shoulder.
- "You going to help me?"
- >You wanted to do it yourself. But you also want the result to be edible.
- >"Of course I do, silly. I wouldn't want to miss your first time!" her smile becomes a Cheshire Cat-tier one.
- >Damn Pinkie Pie and her innuendos!
- >But again, she's a temperamental mare. Spring is probably doing a number on her.
- ***
- >"Hey Anon, do you have milk and butter?"
- "It's in the coldbox, Pinkie."
- >"Sour cream?"
- "Same."
- >You light the oven, while Pinkie zaps around your kitchen.
- >By the time you finish with the firewood and coal she has already unpacked the goods. And prepared the kitchenware. And a chief's hat.
- >She promptly puts it on.
- >"Okie dokie! Now, wash your front limbs-"
- "Hands."
- >"-And let's start!"
- >You wash your hands over the sink and join Pinkie over the table.
- >"First, we should prepare the dry ingredients!"
- >You pick a pack of flour. Sturdy paper pack calls for some effort to open.
- >Then you carefully unload it into the bowl, trying not to cause the dust armageddon.
- >Pinkie nuzzles the baking powder, standing on the table along with other things. You nod and add it. Then there goes the soda, cinnamon and salt.
- >You mix the mound a bit with your hand.
- >"Put it aside for a while. Oh, by the way, do you have any cupcake liners?"
- >Well, shit.
- "No, I don't think so. Can you wait, I'll go and-"
- >Pinkie bounces away into the living room and returns with a large multicolored things that ponies call cupcake liners.
- "Where did you-"
- >"I have them stashed around the town in case of baking emergencies, Nonny! Don't you worry."
- >You shrug and unwrap the butter you left on the table earlier to thaw it a bit. It goes into another bowl.
- >You take a paddle. It, of course, is fucking big and has a wide and thick handle, suited for mouth hold.
- >"Should've asked Twilight to get you some griffin utensils from Canterlot. There is a shop in the Diplomatic District." Pinkie comments. "Anyway, now beat it a bit."
- >You oblige and begin to vigorously work the paddle in the bowl.
- >Well, fuck! It turns out to be tiresome.
- "Can't you conjure it like you did with the book and liners?"
- >"Silly Nonny, I'm a pony. Not a griffin." she answers matter-of-factly as if it gonna explain anything.
- >Oh, well.
- >You stop and shake off sweat.
- >Pinkie approaches you with a pack of brown sugar.
- >"Let me do it for a while."
- >She takes the paddle in her mouth and begins to impersonate a stand mixer.
- >"Add the sugar, apprentice of mine!"
- >Somehow she manages to speak clearly with the paddle in her mouth.
- >You begin to pour sugar into a bowl.
- >"Not everything at once! Divide it into batches!"
- >You do as said. Pinkie works the paddle, making the mixture nice and creamy.
- >"OK, good. Bring me the other stuff."
- >You bring a jug of sour cream, a jug of milk and a half dozen eggs.
- >Eggs take some time to break. Good thing you dont need to separate white from yellow, like for some recipes in the Book.
- >Then you pour a tablespoon of a vanilla extract.
- >Pinkie beats it into.
- >Pleasant aroma of vanilla immediately spreads throughout the kitchen.
- >"Anon, now add the dry ones!"
- >You empty the other bowl into the mixture.
- >A mushroom cloud of flour dust raises high into the sky...
- >Congrats! You fucking did it!
- >Pinkie huffs, but nevertheless continues her movements. She even begins to emit a high grumbling noise. Like an actual mixer.
- >You stare at her.
- >"Something familiar?" she smiles without letting the paddle go, "I thought it would be comforting for you."
- "Pinkie, how the f-"
- >"It super-duper secret so don't you dare to tell anypony! My mom may seem like a prude nowadays, but actually, before she got married to my dad she had a wild encounter with Discord..."
- "What? A statue in the Royal Garden?"
- >Pinkie chuckles.
- >"Indeed, a statue. It was rock hard, as my sister Maud would say." her expression becomes smug.
- "Very funny."
- >You say, but actually chuckle as well.
- >Pinkie's just being Pinkie. Well, you suppose in the magical land one should expect even the silliest of magic.
- >"OK, the batter's good." says Pinkie spitting the paddle out on the table. "What kind of muffins do you want to make?"
- "You mean filling?"
- >"Yeah."
- >You go to the corner and bring the basket with berries.
- >"Hmm, raspberries, black- and blueberries. Splendid! I heard pegasi love berries for some reason."
- >You look at her suspiciously.
- >"Now, mix it in. Carefully." She doesn't even blink.
- >You add berries, fistful by fistful. Then take the paddle, trying to ignore Pinkie's saliva, and gently mix berries into the batter.
- >After this, without a prompt, you take the cupcake liners and begin to fill them. Trying not to make them too full.
- >Pinkie nods.
- >You arrange the liners on the baking pan and stuff it into the oven.
- >While you were preparing the batter oven got heated good enough.
- "I should bake it about seven minutes closer to the flame and then twenty minutes further away?"
- >"Yep!"
- >You take a thick piece of cloth and stand ready near the oven, looking at your pocket watch.
- >"Don't worry, Anon! You did alright for the first-timer."
- "Gee, I hope. Thanks for your help, Pinkie!"
- >"That's what friends are for, silly."
- ***
- >You walk towards the Ponyville post office.
- >Carrying a large paper bag with a three pony-sized muffins.
- >You still can't decide if it was a right thing. However, muffins are here and you should do what's needed to be done.
- >Your whole previous life taught you that random acts of kindness are pointless and borderline harmful.
- >But the magical land of Equestria took a toll on you.
- >Derpy Hooves is a good soul. You hate to see her misadventures in a land much more nice and happy than was your own shithole.
- >Something makes you want to right the wrongs, to bring a well deserved treat to her. And to make sure she can enjoy it.
- >You take out the pocket watch. It's 5:30 PM. You know that postponies should report to the office after the workday.
- >Hopefully Derpy adheres at least to some regulations.
- >The office is almost deserted besides a mare at the counter and a couple of stallions sorting the correspondence.
- >"Hello mister! If you want to send a letter or a package please fill the form! Although it's already rather late so I'm afraid we would have to postpone it for a day."
- "Oh, never mind. Is Derpy Hooves around?"
- >"Derpy? She should've been here already. You can wait for her if you want."
- >You nod and lean on the wall.
- >"Have she done something wrong, though?" asks postpony, "Lost your letters? Broke a package? The Equestrian Royal Post Service will compensate your expenses in an amount equal to the estimated value of-"
- "Oh, no! Nothing of sorts! On the contrary, I think she is a good hardworking mare!"
- >Postpony raises her eyebrow.
- >"I'm glad to hear. You can leave a note in the Book of Feedback right here. The Equestrian Royal Post Service would appreciate your input on the quality of our work."
- "Well, um... Yeah, sure, I'll write something after I talk to her."
- >You can read but writing in horse hieroglyphs is a completely different business. And you are ashamed to admit it.
- >There is a loud 'thud' outside.
- >Door opens and Derpy walks in, wincing.
- >She undoes her saddlebags, throws it in the corner and goes to the counter. The mare gives her some paper in which Derpy makes notes with a pen.
- >"By the way, Derpy, there is somebody waiting for you." she says storing the paper in the folder.
- >The gray pegasus turns around, scanning surroundings.
- >You step away from the wall.
- >"Oh, hi Anon! Do you want to send a letter? There weren't any correspondence for you today."
- >For some reason you suddenly feel like you are at high school once again.
- "Um... Miss Derpy, I wanted to talk to you about something..."
- >"Oh. Sure! Let's go outside, the work's over anyway."
- >You both walk out the post office.
- >"So, what did you want to talk about, Anon?" she says in a cheerful tone, but with tired undertones.
- >You extend a bag of muffins to her. It considerably weights your hand down.
- "I thought... You must be tired after a work. So I brought you some muffins."
- >Her adorable face becomes puzzled. She sniffs air, her nostrils flare. And then she brightens up with a tentative joy.
- >"It smells delicious! Is it really for me?"
- >You nod.
- >"Thank you, Anon! Can I try it right here?
- "Of course."
- >Uh, let's find a place to sit."
- >You look around but she beats you to it.
- >"Oh! There is a nice tree right here!"
- >She flares her wings and flutters onto the branch.
- >You look up. Something tells you that's a bad idea, but other something urges you to show everyone (and foremost, her) that you ARE a Great Ape.
- >You take the bag with your teeth and begin to climb. You didn't do this since the childhood, but the genetic memory isn't a thing that can be fooled, apparently.
- >After a few minutes you are sitting in a tree with Derpy.
- >She stomps her front legs, a pony equivalent of applause.
- >"I'm sorry Anon, I shouldn't have done this. You aren't a pegasus, after all. But your climbing, that was pretty awesome!"
- >You blush. And hand her the muffins.
- >Derpy takes one of them with her wings and sniffs once again.
- >Then she gives it a lick and takes a hearty bite.
- >Her eyes lighten with delight.
- >"It's soooo good, Anon! Where did you get it? It's not from Sugarcube Corner. And doesn't tastes like an Apple's ones either... They must be somepony's else homemade!"
- >You smile modestly.
- >"Is it- Is it yours?"
- >You nod.
- >"Anon, I... I really don't know... You went all the way and made it for me? Thank you!" Her face is full of wonder.
- >Derpy shifts her position and hugs you with her wings. You barely manage to catch her muffin.
- >She gasps, but relaxes after seeing that her treat is safe.
- "The other day I saw you trying to get a muffin..."
- >"Oh, that's embarrassing." She let's out a nervous nicker.
- "I'm sorry. I just wanted to do something good for you..."
- >Derpy nuzzles your cheek. Then let's you go out of her feathery embrace.
- >"No, I'm glad. Just surprised. There was a while since somepony made something for me, except Pinkie."
- >You inhale.
- "I think- I think you do deserve a better treatment. That time when you hit your head, and those bastards just were trotting around..."
- >She smiles.
- >"Anon, we, pegasi, are a durable bunch, really. But thank you. You are very kind."
- >"It's not that ponies hate me or something. It's just... I'm a relatively fast flier, but due to my eyes I often misjudge distances. I crash into things. I'm always nervous about it, and when I'm nervous I tend to screw everything up even more. It's no wonder ponies are wary."
- "I- I would be glad if you crashed into me."
- >Yep, just like in the high school. Saying retarded shit to a female you fancy.
- >Derpy chuckles.
- >"I'd rather not. I better hug you."
- >Which she promptly does. Then sees her bitten muffin in your hands and swallow it in one go.
- >Her wings are warm and cozy. You consider it for a moment and then slightly hug her barrel.
- >She doesn't mind.
- "Miss Derpy... Um... Can we sometime go somewhere together? Like for a walk, or something..."
- >Words go out on their own. The ghost of your prom laughs it's ass off at you.
- >But you really want this for some reason. You were kinda by yourself since you arrived here.
- >Never one to approach someone or become too familiar with. (Not that it ever stopped Pinkie though.)
- >Derpy looks you in the eye. Although one of her eyes looks at the branch to the left of you.
- >"I would be glad to. How about the weekend? Would you like the morning or the evening? I personally like mornings the most!"
- "It would be great. Is 10 AM OK?"
- >"Yep. Totally. I'll crash... I mean I'll land at your place!"
- "Deal!"
- >Your smile is as wide as Pinkie's.
- >You take out another muffin from the pack and you both share it, while still hugging on a branch.
- ***
- >Meanwhile in the treebrary.
- >"Oh, my Celestia! Spike!"
- >"Yes, Twi?"
- >"You've found the Big Book of Baking!"
- >"Erm..."
- >"Why didn't you tell me? Now, take a letter. We need to cancel the replacement order I made the other day!”
- >"Well... Yeah, sure!"
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