Lonkero (Noita, solo F)

Mina bit her lip.  All the Noita wanted was a moment of solitude.  Yet, this dungeon provided no peace for her.  Around every corner were crazed gunmen, and the corridors behind her quickly filled with more and more monstrosities.  She could find relative sanctuary in the Holy Mountain, her home away from home.  However, the next jump point there felt like it was miles away from where she now stood.

Looking down at her alchemist’s belt, she began to shift through her overflowing pouches of junk in hopes of finding something useful.  Her compulsive greed had led her to this peculiar predicament, but she couldn’t stop to mourn over it now.  There.  A flask of Teleportium.  That was her best bet at this point.  A little breathing room was all she needed.

With a few droplets of the formula on her head, she found herself whisked uncontrollably from one corner of the dungeon to the next.  The experience was jarring to say the least, especially with the personal problem she was currently dealing with.  Eventually, the draught evaporated from her hood, and the Noita stabilized inside of yet another treasure chamber.  Her eyes immediately fixated on a pedestal in the center of the room that housed yet another wand, but it could wait.  A more pressing matter was at hand.

Until now, Mina had been moving rather bow-legged in her attempts to find privacy.  Breathing a sigh of relief, she fell to her knees and braced herself against the pedestal.  She then traced her free hand up her robes.  Her thighs were still slick from the slime pool that she waded through to get what was lodged inside her now.  It seemed like a good idea to her at the time.  The gunners were hot on her tail, and her belt had no space for another trinket.  She couldn’t just leave it behind.  Where else could she have stashed that wand?  She didn’t even have the chance to see what spells it was enchanted with before the perverse idea crossed her mind.

At the very least, the slime was decent enough as an improvised lubricant.  The problem now, however, was getting the wand back out.  Of all the shapes and sizes the wand could have been, it had to be an oblong gourd.  Only its tiny handle stuck out of her rear now.  Fortunately for Mina, this wasn’t the first time she found herself in such a predicament.  At her academy, her professors would, in an overly defensive manner, lecture on end about the values of celibacy when it came to the arts of alchemy.  They claimed that relationships only hindered the pursuit of the Work, and that a woman’s maidenhead was the only reason that they could perform as well as their male counterparts.  Thus, Mina and her sorority took up more deviant habits to relieve stress. Without that dormitory experience, she figured that the wand would have torn her in two the moment it went inside her.

The bent-over Noita let out a long sigh and tried to relax.  It was only a few inches in diameter.  She had dealt with larger insertions before.  Her grip couldn’t be too firm.  It didn’t take much to set off a wand, and she still didn’t know what it could do exactly.  Slow, steady pressure, and quiet whispers of prayer.  Despite, or perhaps because of the danger of the situation, she couldn’t help but get a little wet from the stimuli.  Her bracing hand soon slipped under robes as well to work at her long-neglected button.  She had far too many brushes with death today.  A little break couldn’t hurt.

With her face now pressed against the pedestal, her breaths quickened, and her excitement only caused her to clench even harder upon the makeshift prosthesis.  In her joy, she failed to notice just how dusty the surface of the pedestal was.  One sharp gasp later, and she found herself jolted from a sudden sneeze.  The wand then went off.

Her blood went cold.  This was it.  In a blink of an eye she surely should be reduced to a paste, shattered to bits, turned inside out, or worse.  She clenched at her stomach, expecting it to burst from the unleashed spell.  Instead, it felt as if something was working its way up her guts.  She was being violated, yet the ordeal wasn’t entirely unpleasant.  The thing twitched, setting off nerves that she never knew she had.  That alone was enough to send her cascading over the edge, leaving her a writhing heap on the cold metal floor.  She should have been dead, yet the thing inside her continued to playfully jostle about instead of tear her to shreds.  One climax after another then racked her brain, causing all logic to slowly drain out down her legs.

Quivering hands slowly reached for the handle once more.  As much as she enjoyed it, she couldn’t stay here and be some forgotten god’s finger puppet forever.  The Work was calling.  Since the spell refused to deactivate, there was no worry for the amount of force she could use to yank the wand back out. With one strained push and all the strength she had left, the bulbous rod finally came out with a wet pop.  What trailed with it, thankfully, weren’t her organs, but instead some horrifying tentacle-like appendage.  Its length fought to stay within her, failing about like some dire, bloated tapeworm.

Eventually Mina gave up.  The wand now hung between her legs like an obscene toy as she took another look at her belt.  Nothing on there looked like it could be of any use for this situation.  She couldn’t teleport the thing away without getting pulled along with it.  More oil and slime would just ease its operandi.  Aphrodisiacs?  Completely out of the question.  Her mind drifted back to the pedestal in the room.  Maybe its wand had something useful for this predicament?  She crawled over and picked it up without a second thought.

Something in the room clicked, and ancient mechanisms roared to life.  Of course it had to be trapped.  How else would luck treat her today?  Electricity arced from the corners, and suddenly she realized that the entire chamber was made out of steel.  With a loud crack, the room flashed with a blinding white light, and a brutal shock coursed through Mina’s body.  How many more brushes with death would she have to suffer down here?  Why was it all turning her on so much?  While she reveled shamefully from the electrocution, the trap proved to be a bit too much for her unwelcome visitor.  It quickly retracted back into its wand, leaving Mina feeling empty, yet overwhelmingly relieved.

She stayed prone for awhile.  How was she still alive?  The gods couldn’t have favored her this much.  Surely, the moment she stands up, her organs would fall out, and that would finally be the end of her.  It would only be fitting at this point.  Instead of chancing that, she looked over at the wand she took from the trapped pedestal.  Its spell runes read out:

CIRCLE OF VIGOUR

A healing spell.

Fortune smiled again.