for the fear-full - by Bethany Lyons for Marcy Kurtz

for the fear-full.

I wish you would raise your hand without having anything eloquent or particularly smart to say and speak through a quivering lip and pause in the awkward silences - without fixing a thing.
I want you to listen…to yourself, to the things you say and hide and harbor like a pirate ship ready at a moment’s notice to attack your very soul.

I wish you would write something, from your heart, that challenges your mind to keep your fingers pressing the keys down, one by one - because maybe what you are saying and wishing for - you cannot always deliver yourself.
I want you to do something so bold that the fear that arises physically causes your body to shake, your stomach to turn and you to just about vomit - (perhaps you even do) - before you walk to the front of the room anyway, and take the mic - at the podium of your life.

I wish you would feel the full weight of resistance - yours and mine - and keep the conversation going, because we finally are not talking about the weather.
I want you to look me in the eye an tell me what hurts, what brings you joy, what you say only to yourself in the quietest moments, in a random bathroom stall, with the door locked.

I wish you would be louder, if it’s what’s needed - so more people could hear what you have to say, or you would turn down the  volume and turn up the expression - to be fully heard as a contribution.
I want you to take on a role that causes your body to sweat so profusely from the sheer exhilaration of panic and being very afraid - that you are forced to go change your shirt…twice.

I wish when things got boring or complacent in your career, relationships, life you would rage for the realness and be willing to walk away and begin again or stay… and begin again…over and over and over.

I want you to know in the depths of your being that it is never too late, too hard, too complicated or too anything else to take a stand for what you really want or to create a different story.

I wish you would speak up, without the usual politeness of your silent acquiesce.
I want you to scream, primal-style, or swear like a [fucking] sailor when it’s exactly what’s called for.

I wish you would answer that phone call, or better yet pick up the phone and make the call yourself - even though you don’t know exactly what’s the right thing to say.
I want you to forgive yourself for royally causing pain, for betraying your own word, for hurting those closest to you, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera - you beautiful, perfectly imperfect, human being.

What I don’t want, what I am simply not asking of you - is to be fearless.
I don’t know how to do that. And I certainly am not requesting it of you.

What I do wish, what I Do want…is that you always - in the seemingly darkest moments and hardest cross-roads call upon that very fear you feel so full of - to be a guide and a source of illumination - to steer you into the action of what is needed most desperately in this world.
What I wish, what I want - so badly for you - for me - for we - is to be courageous.

Author: Bethany Lyons for Marcy Kurtz