Deferment (Day 174)

Day 174

I still don’t know what I’m going to do. I just stayed in my room most of the day. I think I slept most of the morning. There’s no longer a guard outside my door but it’s obvious I’m being watched. I don’t really blame them. If I don’t know what I’m going to do how do they know I’m not going to snap and try and do something drastic.

I am allowed visitors now. Blue Moon and Willow stopped by. They seem almost as bad as I am, maybe worse. It’s obvious to me now that most ponies didn’t know what was happening either. According to them after ponies figured out what was going on everything around camp started falling apart. A fight broke out near the officers cabins between some of the guards and a few of the ponies. A few are still being detained. Others have outright quit.

It’s even worse for the ex-humans within the radius. A much higher percentage of ponies out there couldn’t take the transformation. Willow said it reminded her of the days when they were doing the first transformations and about 50% wound up rejecting it at first. Most of those that are stable don’t want any help. The fact they’re so understaffed probably isn’t helping either. The other camps helped in these efforts but it’s still only a few thousand ponies to help over six million people.

Yeah 6,000,000, that’s how many more equines there are now, and that’s a low estimate. That’s what 1/1000 of the world’s population? None of us know if Equestria will be able to win this war or not. Just today 6 Equestrians were already killed by a human who was just out of range and then returned home after the blackout. In the other areas they were a bit luckier. Equestrians could blend in amongst the new ponies. It’s going to be even worse if ponies have to move in and attack directly. But they must think they have a chance otherwise I don’t think they’d start this attack no matter how desperate they were.

Me, I’m worried about more direct attacks. Yes our big WMD’s are offline. I don’t even know if it would be possible to rebuild them safely with all the radioactive material. But it doesn’t take a nuclear physicist to get a ride close enough on a bicycle and piece together a mortar out of a backpack and blow us all to pony hell.

I still can’t figure out what my choice is going to be. I could leave this place and try and hide out in the wilderness until I get found again. I could get turned into a pony and just live in Equestria. I’m sure I could find work somewhere that would keep me out of this war. Or I could stay here and work towards the transformation of Humanity into something it never wanted. Pretty fucking stellar choices I have there. How will I possibly pick which wonderful option is best?

There is a fourth one of course. One that was tempting in my first day back but the more I think about it the more I realize I could never do it. And I’m not just saying that because I’m almost certain that you are once again reading this journal. That is to try and kill Rarity. It seems like it would be the most logical way to try and save humanity but that doesn’t justify it. Think for a moment if I could pull it off, what would happen.

Equestria would no longer be able to use the Elements of Harmony so Earth could begin rebuilding technology including weapons that would likely be capable of holding Equestria back. Humanity wins but then what. Magic entropy continues and every pony dies. Not just every pony in camp but every pony in Equestria too. If that’s not enough every human that has been transformed into a pony, including pretty much everyone I have met in my life, also dies.

So in summary I wish you fucking ponies never came through your damn portal because now my only choices are to leave millions to die or assist in killing millions of others.

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(Day 174) - Image here: http://imageshack.us/a/img515/4743/day174calculations.png

I still don’t know I’m going to do. Well that’s not quite right. I know what I’m going to do just not how I’m justifying it. Backwards it is. I know I should be forming conclusions based on facts and not facts based on conclusions but I can’t possibly stay unbiased in this. On one hand I’m human and humanity has done some great things and we certainly don’t deserve to be all unceremoniously converted into another race. On the other 99% of the sentients in my life are ponies. Either they’ve always had been or they lived within the radius of those already transformed.

I mean the optimal solution would be to close the portal right? According to Willow that’s not possible though. As in ponies physically cannot close it, only make it larger. Apparently it’s been there for some time it was just smaller then. It was part of an experiment for interdimensional travel about 30 years ago. Back then it was smaller. The magic being sucked out was about equal to Equestria’s surplus. As time went on the portal slowly grew on its own to the point where some action had to be taken and that brings us to where we started.

I’m not the only one who has to make a choice though. I’m supposed to stay in my room for the time being but other ponies can visit me. Only had Blue Moon and Willow so far though. They don’t want this conflict any more than I do. Most ponies didn’t know about it until I did. There was a big mess right afterward. A few ponies are still in custody though I don’t think anypony got seriously hurt. A few have already quit and went back to Equestria.

Not that I blame them. Signing up to help humans adjust to a new body vs helping humans deal with involuntary transformation are very different things. Blue Moon and Willow got a taste of that today. Small town about 40 miles from here.  No human/pony wanted anything to do with us. Not suprising, when a pony bombs you you’re likely not to trust any pony for a long time. I don’t know how they plan on getting around that problem. It’s only going to get worse when more transformations start.

There was even a close call today with some human that managed to somehow get 50 miles back to one of the towns. Maybe they were outside the range and had some really old vehicle. Or maybe they stole a bike I don’t know. Took a few shots with a rifle at the ponies flying overhead. We’re not sure what happened to the transformees there. The team broke off right away. It’s only going to get worse when ponies try to get to the towns closer to the radius. Even with the other camps working with us we still only have 1600 ponies altogether for probably aroud 6,000,000 people. Theres no way to cover that many with so few.

Willow and Blue Moon are thinking of leaving some time soon. They don’t want any part in this war and if the ex humans don’t want any help there isn’t much they can do. They’re thinking they’ll stick around a week or so in case there’s some sort of breakthrough. I don’t blame them. I mean even if they could do much good around here theres also the risk of some human getting close enough to the camp to do some damage. Sure WMD’s and a lot of complex weaponry are out. Doesn’t stop anyone from chucking dynamite or some makeshift explosives over the wall in the dead of night. And I know just the ponies who might be willing to help them get materials, the ones who weren’t ponies a few days ago. I hope they aren’t just sticking around for my sake.

It’s not like I don’t have my own problems. They can’t really help me choose how to act here. I mean I could go an hide for the rest of my life out in the ruins of civilization. Go out see humans one last time before I die of dysentery. It’s not really an option. Even if I did survive I would always wonder if I could have done more. Of course I might always just end up captured again anyway.

Option two is the same thing but do it as a pony in Equestria. That might be a bit better but I don’t know. It just feels like it would be giving up. If I’m going to wager on pony victory in this battle I may as well do it from the front lines where I can do some good to help the humans and the ponies. Plus if we lost. Well I’d be in the same boat as them when the magic dried up.

Option three. Stay here. Honestly I don’t even know what would happen then. I mean if I could help people it would be the obvious choice. But with them out there and I in here what can I do. Send ‘Get Well Soon’ cards? Be supportive of the ones who go out and transform people into ponies. That might not be so easy. I can’t imagine it would do much for the ponies who have that for their job. Offer advice on how humans are going to make it as difficult as possible for Equestrians? Who knows.

Option four. Which I’m including for the sake of completeness. I’m not actually considering it. And I’m not just saying that because I’m pretty sure you’re reading this again. But is to try and kill Rarity. Unpleasant but it would give humanity its best chance. Stop the elements, rebuild our technology, strike back. For one I don’t think its within my ability to do so. Even though there’s no longer a guard at my door I don’t believe for a second that I’m not being watched. Not to mention Rarity is probably being guarded at all hours.

Even if I could I don’t think I would. Or rather I couldn’t bring myself to. I don’t know if I can consider her my friend anymore but I don’t think she likes this anymore than I do. Not to mention if humanity somehow did fight back it would mean everyone I know would die. I couldn’t live with that. Look at my calculations. Yes they point to the fact that you’re evil and despicable for what you’ve done but it also shows that no matter what I do those lives aren’t coming back. In fact less will die if Equestria wins.

Look at that number again. It’s a 1 followed by nine 0’s. That’s a billion and that’s a low estimate for how many will die from this. Food and water are going to be the biggest problems. It’s not like Equestria where you can just make it rain when you need it and it’s all mostly clean. Maybe if we’re lucky we’ll be able to plant with the fuel that’s left in our equipment that still works but after that, everything by hand. Not to mention problems of distribution with half our population packed into cities. I have no idea how they’re going to survive without abandoning what homes they have to try and live out in the countryside.

So yeah, 1,000,000,000. That’s what, twice the entire population of Equestria? I don’t have exact numbers but I know they’re probably not too far off. Though I guess humanity as a whole is pretty expendable aren’t we? Just you know. Sitting on Earth minding our own business when you opened a portal that sucked all your magic away. So instead of devoting your lives to closing the portal you decide. Hey. There are 6 billion people on the other side of this hole. Why not turn them into ponies. Who cares if we have to kill a billion of them to do it. Its them or us right?

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(Still day 174)

I really need to quit this whole passive aggressive thing that I do. Is that the right term? This harassing everypony without actually doing anything has got to stop. I guess it’s better than just being passive though. I’d probably be moping for weeks before getting around to a decision that way. The best option would probably have just to be straight with them from the beginning. At least in a few hours it’ll all be sorted out. Nothing to really do but wait, might as well write.

So yes, after that last entry I decided to make sure it was read by placing it outside the cabin in front of the door. I’m so goddamn brilliant. I just sometimes do things without thinking about them. Maybe I owe some apologies. A lot of apologies.

It goes without writing that making vague threats to Rarity in my writing wasn’t the best idea if I didn’t want to get apprehended. I’m a little mystified that it didn’t happen sooner. Probably a good thing though or I might have said some things I’d regret. About two hours after placing my journal outside my window slammed shut and there was a pounding at the door before it was forced open. I didn’t so much struggle as glower as I was led to Cadence’s office.

Cadence wasn’t happy to see me obviously. She looks terrible. I’m guessing she’s probably just as stressed as I am. I don’t think she’s been sleeping well if at all. From what I understand the war hasn’t been an easy sell to the average Equestrian either. I mean for them its survival but still. I can’t even fathom how I’d feel if humanity suddenly decided to convert all the ponies into humans. I guess you could make an argument that it’s their fault in the first place but really I can’t blame them for that.

According to Cadence I’m making things more complicated. I’m a security risk. On the other hand/hoof I could be a great asset as a human who could be trusted. Even though we’re at war smaller scale negotiations are still a possibility. Until then I could help out with the other ponies trying to assist the new transformees in nearby towns.

There was some logic to the time picked for the attack. It’s being hoped that knocking out most technology in very early spring will cause planters to focus on staples instead of other crops that might not stay fresh as long. Planting will be difficult yes, but a lot of manpower has also been freed up. I don’t really know. Even if people did have the foresight to think of these things where are they going to get the seeds? I suppose Equestria is in mid fall right now so they might have excess but that’s a lot of seeds needed not to mention you have to transport it across the world. I guess I don’t really know enough about agriculture to know how this will work. I really need to focus on what I can do instead of hypothesizing about things I don’t know anything about.

Anyways, Cadence wanted me to know I had a fourth option available. Besides running away or fighting for Equestrians or Humans I could also bypass most of the transformation process. Willow and Blue Moon are quitting as soon as everything that can be done for the people who’ve already been transformed is taken care of. They don’t think it’ll be safe and this is completely different from what they signed up for. Not to mention the Ponyville hospital is understaffed thanks to so many ponies leaving to help with this. They even might be willing to accept a new pony with little to no training if a few others were to put in a good word for him.

I would be transformed and be out of here in a week. I wouldn’t even have to go to the other camps if I didn’t want to. Just skip right on to working at Ponyville medical. I could keep helping ponies like I was, keep working with my friends, and be safer myself. Blue Moon and Willow would kind of adopt me. I was really close to taking that option. Still kind of considering it actually. It’s just, I feel like I’d be letting humanity down then. Not that I’m a traitor but the fact that I can do something to help the suffering of billions of people and just walk away.

Cadence seemed surprised when I turned it down. She said it was probably my best option. She might be right. I mentioned that I can choose this option later as well. Then came the cravat. And it was a big one. Based on what I wrote in here they couldn’t just let me work here. Even though I was pretty clear that I wouldn’t do anything the fact I had considered it was an issue. An issue that was almost impossible to just dismiss. They had to bring in a mind reader. I’m pretty sure the term ‘Orwellian Bullshit’ crossed my thoughts for a bit there.

So now I’m waiting for this pony. I have to say, I’m worried about the whole thing. I mean I do want to help here but do I really? Is that what they’ll find. Maybe I’m overreacting. It’s not like I harbor some deep hatred of Ponykind. I’m just frusterated with this whole situation. Of all the people I consider my friends only one probably isn’t a pony right now. And while I’d like to give whichever pony approved this war a piece of my mind I’m not going to take it out on those around me. Still, a mindreader. It’s kind of scary.

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(Day 174 ish)

That was an exhausting ordeal. My limbs feel like they’re made of lead but my brain is jittering jittering like a caffeine addict. I guess I’m still feeling some of the side effects. It feels like someone reached into my brain and wiggled their hands around, except they knew what they were doing and hit more pleasure nodes than pain ones. I’m over stimulated but not in a bad way. Ponies is a hell of a drug.

Anyway it was only about an hour later. Must have been close to midnight though if I have my timezones right it was probably early afternoon Equestrian time. At least that’s my guess. She didn’t seem like she had been pulled from bed or anything. I’m getting ahead of myself. I was actually escorted back to Cadences office where they had me lie on a couch. I’m not sure if I was being too nervious or not enough. Now that I think about it, probably not enough. Had this kind of thing ever been tested on a human? How could they be sure it wouldn’t lobotomize me.

Before I had a chance to think that thought the doctor showed up with Cadence. She was actually fairly large for a unicorn. That or I misjudged her size since I was lying on a couch the whole time. Could be either really. They seemed to be all business. After a short greeting she explained the process to me. At that point it really sounded more like a lie detector test than anything. Cadence would ask a question, I’d answer, an she would confirm the truthness of the statement.

Of course then she touched her horn to my forhead and it felt like a Pan Galatic Gargle Blaster. That is to say like being smashed with a slice of lemon tightly wrapped around a gold brick. Well maybe not that bad, but close. Of course then it felt like someone was plucking at the pleasure centers of my brain and I just kind of went numb. I’m not sure how this was supposed to help me answer truthfully but after a minute or so the sensations started to even out and Cadence started asking questions.

First it was just a few control questions. Name, species, age. And a few controlled falses where they asked me to lie, standard stuff I guess. Then came the questions that were actually relevant. First being did I intend to harm Rarity. No. Then did I intend to harm anyone else in camp. Again, no. Ran into a bit of trouble with the next one. Would I harm either Princess Celestia or Luna. I answered no. The doctor reported that that statement was only half true, so I was asked to elaborate.

Not exactly an easy topic to be frank about in front of ponies. I mean I wouldn’t kill them but the question was harm and well those are two entirely different things. Honestly I’d like to smack Celestia one in the jaw, a solid hook. She’s treating us as expendable. Of course as I was mulling about this all I was interrupted by the mind reader relaying this onto Cadence. I may have swore. I thought I had brown it at that point but Cadence assured me that it was acceptable. Then the mind reader told her I didn’t believe her.

According to Cadence if I hadn’t had any feelings of resentment towards the Princesses she would have been a little concerned. My response was a little more ‘direct’ than she was expecting but still within allowable bounds. Last question was do you trust us? Answer was a resounding ‘Not sure’. This time I rambled without thinking. Just to stick it to the mind reader. I said some things about wanting to trust them but they did lie to me in the past. On an individual level most ponies seem honest and mean the best but the grand plan that was in motion was screwing humanity over. I’d like to think there’s no reason to lie to me anymore but just because I don’t know of any reason to lie to me there could be reasons I don’t know about that would be just as valid. Of course I could have said something completely different. I don’t remember that last one so well but the answer was acceptable apparently.

Actually there was one more. And that was if I had any questions. I said no and it was revealed to be a lie but the mind reader was on top of that one. I wasn’t exactly in the condition to do any asking with her hoof in my think pan. So she deferred to tomorrow. I could ask questions then. Something about the least she could do. I was escorted back to my cabin though more because I’m pretty unbalanced and not so much a threat. So now I need to think what I’m going to ask and I really have no ideas. I think my brain is crashing or something. A few minutes ago I felt super energized and now I realize that I’m almost out of oil and the sun is starting to come up. I should try to get some rest.