No matter how nicely we say it, goodbyes are always hard. With four years as jam packed as the four I spent with you, I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry a couple times writing this.

But college has been a learning experience for all of us, and it's been an honor to learn some incredible things about you. I know in our hectic lives with even more hectic people, you might forget (or even never recognize) just what makes you so incredible.

So here's a not-so-small list of the amazing qualities I see in Subhakeertana Sivakumar:

Radiant energy - the first thing people who meet you will see is the energy you bring to a room. When you laugh, I can't help but smile from ear to ear, even on my worst days. I know I'm not alone when I say this either: the world is at peace when you're happy!

Smiles - this is really similar to your energy but I think it goes beyond that. Earning a genuine smile from you is gratifying beyond words. When you're stressed out and need comforting from me, getting you to smile is a signal that I did something right. I get into my own head a lot about being "enough" but being there for you and making you smile is something I cherish. I know I am enough and that our relationship is worth every treasured moment.

Glue - you're probably squinting at this, thinking "wtf is glue supposed to mean" but hear me out. I think the first-born of every successful family has an unspoken responsibility: keep the family together. Parents grow closer as they learn to care for you, you're expected to lead younger siblings, every success you have semi-belongs to your whole family because you're probably the first kid to accomplish it, having a kid makes extended family want to visit more (hell since you're the oldest they'll chew you out the most too). It comes with its own hardships as well: you're a test dummy and parents can get stuff wrong the first time around, you get blamed and critiqued a lot more for dumb stuff, and above ALL else: it can be hard to give you freedom. “What if they enjoy it too much and then never want to come home? What if they don't succeed on their own? Will it be my fault?”
I know how much you’ve dealt with this lately, but you’re great at keeping our OSU family and your real family together, as stressful as it’s been. I know we all commend your parents for letting you go 2 states away, but maybe this is why they want you back so badly and say what they do for the slightest mistakes. Being a stellar glue wherever you go is a blessing and a curse, unfortunately.
And it happened to me too: when I left home Rithika would complain about how overbearing the parents had become and how bent they were to see me again. It was all fine until I had my bad stretch in the 1st and 2nd years. They got so bent on me and lost God knows how much sleep. It changed when COVID hit though: I had some of my best opportunities and grades ever and they regained confidence in me during senior year. Even though I got a bad MCAT they now know how much I worked for it and that luck wasn’t on my side on test day. They know they have nothing to fear.
So why do I say this? As hard as it might seem, the glue will have to leave the family for just a little bit. Your parents are going to have years taken off their life worrying about you. But when they see the adult you’ve become and know you’re successful enough to come visit even after you make your mark on the world, those years will come rushing right back. Proving you can still be the glue after entering the real world is the hurdle I think you’re at right now, even though you really shouldn’t need to prove anything: if they could have seen your growth like I did in our time at OSU then they wouldn’t need to fear a thing. But the reality is what it is, so that takes me to the next thing I admire about you:

Independent – you said it before: all your friends have their own moral compass and aren’t going to give them up for the world. Being 2 states away, you’ve spread your independent wings and learned to fly high. Co-director of PIF? All your responsibilities at the Hai Lab? Community leadership that has the power to save lives? I’m not trying to gas up your med school apps when I say it either: you’ve proven on a day-to-day basis that you’re just THAT independent and it’s the Subha I know and love. Of course you have bad days! When you do, I will always have a shoulder to lean on and arms that I hope can make you feel safe. You can talk about ways to remedy your problems to your friends or family but it doesn’t lessen how independent you are. I promise you that one day, every single person who needs to realize that will definitely realize it if you just be yourself :)

Incredibly beautiful – yeah you knew this was coming. When I first met you it took everything in me to not flinch just because I was floored by how damn pretty you are. Perhaps it contributes to your energy I mentioned earlier: who doesn’t like a supermodel genuinely having fun talking to them? Then I learned that your looks aren’t even the half of it: you’re beautiful inside as well! Someone so independent, focused, and daring, and yet also nerdy, sympathetic, and charismatic really exists in this world. And I’m so lucky that I can give that goddess this card and letter!

Strives for better – I was mean this year and I’m so sorry. I came to you with so many demands and grievances, and I know the power of consistency but I’m still so thankful that you stayed consistent with me this whole time when I truly didn’t deserve it. Even at Cedar Point when I was ready to flip my lid after the water ride and you were going through the day you had, you said you would be mindful and you followed through. The wait for the Corkscrew wasn’t worth it to so many of us yet I savored every second in line because you actually listened and talked to me and sat with me on the ride. I hope you realize how little I usually trust people who agree to my face, it’s traumatized me from a young age:
“’I will help you.’ Never have I heard a less reassuring phrase.
When I was first diagnosed with AD (Asperger’s Disorder), I was promised this by my dad who denied mental disorders, school teachers who ignored it due to my smarts, and therapist who, tired of listening, yelled at me.”
This is so important to me that I put this in my Most Meaningful on my med apps. It’s been a story of my life, and for the bulk of the year I simply didn’t believe you when you said you’d try to address my concerns. I just expected you to grow distant and be with people who didn’t make you feel that way because it has happened too often from the people I’m closest with. You didn’t do that: you tried your best to fix it and if you didn’t quite understand, you’d ask questions. If you couldn’t follow through, you felt comfortable around me to tell me that we need to talk more about it and see if it’s something that can really be fixed or if you need something from me. You actually demand better of yourself and take steps to do that. There’s no ego, no gaslighting, no ignorance, nothing. I know how much I must have made you feel sad this year and again, I want to apologize. I respect how resilient you are and how much more fun we end up having because we both want the best versions of ourselves when we work hard and play hard. It’s because you know without a doubt that you are “enough” but also want to keep learning that you can have so much fun, and I have so much fun watching you through every happy moment of it.

Comforting – yeah you knew this was coming too. I listed so much above and I risk repeating myself over and over if I explain why I feel this is your best quality. Your other qualities all combine into this and your ability to comfort permeates the whole room. You know my history and just how many demons are still in my head, but this quality above all else makes them all disappear for even a moment – safety.
Your arms are safe.
Your living room is safe.
Your smile is safe.
Your laugh is safe.
Your car is safe.
Your hands are safe.
Your voice is safe.
Your tears are safe.
Your cooking is safe.
Your affection is safe.
Your lap is safe.
Your everything is safe.
Your impact on the world is safe.
You, Subha. You are safe.

Well, I said it. I’ve thought about all of this for four years and I hope it puts a smile on your gorgeous face, puts your healing laugh out into Room 527 one last time, and puts us in each other’s arms physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Here’s to you, partner.
May fortune always smile on you like it did on me the day we met :)
One last toast to a meal of the heart, a smile of the soul, and the friend of a lifetime.