Jump 027: Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Jump 027: Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Location: Sunnydale, California
Age: 29
Identity: [-50] Watcher
Drawbacks: None

[50/950]  Swordplay
[150/950] Pop Culture 101
[Free]    Cunning Linguist
[Free]    Demonology
[450/950] Green Tongue
[650/950] Slayer Handbook
[950/950] Vorpal Sword

Sunnydale is one weird city. Lucky me, though, I got hired to be the substitute at the local schools; I was aiming to be around just often enough to cameo and throw monkeywrenches in everyone's plans. And being a Watcher, I knew all kinds of annoying British things; probably best to not bother to adopt the accent, though. I'd never had an English accent before and I saw no reason to start now. Though with the local mortality rate, it didn't take but a few weeks before I went from temporary substitute teacher to permanent science teacher.

Still, it kept life interesting. The local Slayer was decidedly a thot, but had an entourage instead of working solo. This was all well and good, right up until I got roped into chaperoning a field trip to the zoo that the former science teacher was supposed to attend to; had it not been me, it would have been the principal stuck with the task. There were no casualties, as I'm not an idiot that lets students lead me into zoo exhibits, but apparently a number of students got possessed anyways. As I found out later, at least, because one of the students started hanging out with a different crowd and was otherwise being a jerk about things. And then the school mascot disappeared. And then I called four out of the five possessed students into my classroom to have a word with them, and knocked them out harmlessly when they tried to take action against me. And then I walked into the library while there was a discussion between the librarian and a couple students about dealing with said possession.

"Why not just pull the spirit out of the affected students?"
>"I, uh. What? Oh, no, you misunderstood, this was a creative writing exercise-"
"Mr. Harris is acting out of character, and I don't think he's on drugs."
>"Er... likely not, that is true."
"Also, the other four possessed students are in detention in my classroom. And slightly unconscious."
>"... ah."
"...Do you have him locked up in the restricted section?"
>"Er. Possibly."
"Oh good, that simplifies things. Bring him into my classroom and we'll get this fixed up in a jif."
>"W-wait, you know the ritual to fix this situation?"
"Nah, but it can't be harder than pulling someone's soul out of their body at the moment of their death and creating a brand new body for them so they can live out the rest of their scheduled days in peace, right?"
>"...Oh dear."

So... yeah. Rather than playing around with idiots and rituals, I pretty much just yanked the spirits out, tethered them, and threw them back into the hyenas later in the afternoon. And then explained to them that I'm a Watcher ("...no, not Giles' kind, I'm the Highlander kind, and do you really think immortal humans are the weirdest thing that can exist in a world of vampires and demons and magic? You haven't heard of them because they're better at hiding than demons."), but even Watchers need a day job. Basically making myself available to be a resource in case of problems, and otherwise just taking it easy. And incidentally making sure everyone in the school learns their sciences.

And angering the Vice Principal as often as possible, of course, since his authority was constantly undermined without being the top dog.

But after that was over and done, I started a fencing club at the school. Which had all of three members. Eventually it grew to have a few more, and there was plenty of focus on more than mere fencing, but... well. Fighting. Tactics. In a city with PCP gang problems, it didn't hurt to have students know how to defend themselves, was my argument. Even if they had nothing more to use than a sharpened stick.

I got more involved from that point with everything, and the plot slowly began to tilt off kilter. One of the slayer's little hangers-on got into magic, and I gave her plenty of advice about being responsible with magic. Which she promptly ignored, of course, so I assigned her piles of homework on critical thinking. Eventually, that actually sank in for her, which had amusing repercussions. Among them, things like "not dragging souls out of the afterlife" came into play. So, say, a certain vampire's soul going on to its reward? I talked them all out of bringing him back, because that would be cruel beyond measure. It would be like someone getting out from under their abusive alcoholic parents, I argued, and then being forced back into living with them after knowing there are better things to come. Which nipped the whole Angelus thing in the bud, even if Buffy was not a fan of the fact that Angel was dead and it was technically her fault. Except it wasn't her fault, it was the fault of a bunch of gypsies who were currently burning in the great beyond because chaining a mortal soul to a vampire is a really bad thing to do.

And then the Mayor tried to ascend into being an Old One at graduation. Which ended predictably: a giant snake may be scary to ordinary people, sure, but when a giant gold dragon abruptly appears on the stage behind it, it's much less scary. Well, not really, considering the snake got its its head bitten off, then the school was burned to ash along with that crowd of vampires who were about to storm the graduation.

Also, the whole thing with Glory was a hilariously aborted arc.

"Huh, you're an interesting one. You're the source of the crazy people I've been having to share liquid reason with, to fix them?"
>"What are you talking about?"
"Not talking to you, snowflake, I'm talking to the one watching from behind your eyes."
>"Hey, now-"
"Shut it, before I run you through. And... ah, you must be Glory. Hey there, good looking, what'cha got cooking?"
>"Kneel, worm, and I may spare your life."
"A king bows to no one, mortal or otherwise. Besides, you wouldn't kill someone who would send you home."
>"You... no, you are not the Key. You know where it is?"
"Yeah, but I'm dating her mom, so I'd rather just pick the lock."
>"I'm not certain you understand how this works."
"Sure I do. Just understand that this is conditional to you keeping the riffraff from your home from bothering this dimension. Boom, have a portal home."
>"...What. How."
"Does it matter?"
>"No, no it does not. We have a deal."
"Toodles!"

Also around this time, Buffy met this guy who called himself The Immortal in Italy. And so I got the chance to play Highlander, complete with twisting a little magecraft for the lightning storm after I chopped that little shit's head off.

"In the end... there can be only one."
>"What the actual hell!"
"Uh, hi. Er. The vorpal blade went snicker-snack?"
>"You said you were a Watcher, not some kind of, of, I don't know what!"
"Immortal? As long as I don't lose my head, I'll come back for the most part."
>"Seriously?"
"Dying still hurts so please don't test it. Anyways, there are rules, but it's only breaking the rules if you get caught. And that guy was a bad egg, believe me."
>"So... wait a minute. How old ARE you then? Are you from Scotland? Do you know that MacLeod guy? ...can I have his number?"
"Scotland wasn't even a gleam in mankind's eye when I was born. And Duncan lives in Canada these days, you couldn't afford the long distance charges."

And then later there was the First Evil.

It turns out that the First Evil was able to come back simply because Buffy was revived via CPR, rather than magic - turns out that bringing a Slayer back is different from bringing an ordinary person back, which is really stupid, but then, so is this entire world and the railroad the plot tends to travel on. But the First Evil is way less intimidating when one hangs out with the gang and acts as ranged support. Ranged support also includes launching a spear from the Gate through a wall and also through Caleb's smug face, incidentally. Which angered her enough to appear to me wearing his smug face a few moments later.

"Ha. Went down like a bitch."
>"What the- HOW the- WHAT DID YOU DO?"
"Speaking of bitches, c'mere."
>"I'm incorporeal. Do you really think you can hurt me?"
"Well..."

And then it turns out that the ethereal First Evil taking a hind-blood dagger to the face makes the Powers That Be call a time-out because the First Evil just got smited and that shouldn't have even been possible.

They call it unbalanced. I call it satisfying my personal victory conditions.