The following is a transcription-via-spell from questioning sessions involving the individuals responsible for the events taking place at Mayor Mare’s residence and the Heavenly Hooves Day Spa. Punctuality the Unicorn is the recorder, and all actions are taken from her own observations and those of fellow policeponies. Police dialogue was later added to give a wider view of events. All swear words have been edited out to spare our wonderful Princess’ sensitive eyes from vulgar police dialogue.
 [BEGIN TRANSCRIPTION]
*click*
[RECORDER’S NOTE: Sergeant Blue Shield is a tall, blue-coated unicorn stallion of broad build and close-cropped black mane, cutie mark is of a pair of handcuffs. It is this recorder’s opinion that he is a total hunk.]
Blue Shield: “This is Sergeant Blue Shield of Ponyville Police Department speaking with the individual known as Gilda T. Griffon regarding the events surrounding the destruction of Mayor Mare’s bathroom, along with several other pieces of public and private property and associated charges. Now, Miss Griffon, would you care to add your version of events to the record?”
Gilda Griffon: “Yeah. There’s no ‘T.’ in my name. It’s just Gilda Griffon.”
BS: “Anything else you’d care to add?”
GG: “Yeah. I wanna talk to my lawyer.”
[RECORDER’S NOTE: Subject ‘Gilda Griffon’ is a juvenile griffon just recently of majority age. Her plumage is mousy and tattered, her coat dirt brown, and has acted like a total [REDACTED] toward this recorder.]
BS: “Is that all?
[RECORDER’S NOTE: No, she also smells.]
GG: “I know how this works, buster. I know my rights as an Equestrian citizen. I wanna talk to my lawyer.”
BS: “Then you don’t want to answer any of the charges against you. Not one of the counts of…” *shuffling papers* “Three counts of destruction of public property, five counts of destruction of private property, two counts of interrupting a citizen while engaged in ablutions—“
GG: “What?”
BS: “Interrupting someone taking a bath.”
GG: “…there’s actually a law against that?”
BS: “It’s an old law. I use it on my sister’s kids all the time.”
GG: “Heh. I’ll have to remember that.”
BS: “I’ll continue. A dozen counts of disturbing the peace, and two counts of public indecency.”
GG: “Hah! Yeah, I bet that geezer got a good show, huh? Kind of impressive considering nobody around here wears clothes.”
[RECORDER’S NOTE: Eeewwwww…]
GG: “Wait a second, two?”
BS: “Yes. There’s also one charge of corruption of a minor.”
GG: “What?!”
BS: “A filly by the name of ‘Scootaloo’. Do you know this filly?”
GG: “Well duh. She’s only my roommate. What’s this crap about ‘corruption of a minor’?”
BS: “You were seen with her late at night behind Heavenly Hooves Day Spa in a heavy coat, a suspicious hat, an even more suspicious package, and have been charged with performing highly questionable activities.” *rustle of uniform across studly chest as BS leans toward GG* “Are you sure there is nothing else you'd like to add to the record, Miss Griffon?”
GG: “…you’re good.”
BS: “Thank you.”
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[RECORDER’S NOTE: The following takes place at the same time as this questioning session; between Officer North Face (a slate grey earth pony with a gruff demeanor and a boxing glove cutie mark), and Sergeant Lickety-Split (a sharp-tongued earth pony with an ice cream cone cutie mark who has been with the department since before I was born). Location is Interrogation Observation Room, adjacent to both of Ponyville PD’s questioning areas.]
 North Face: “He is good.”
Lickety-Split: *wipes ice cream from upper lip* “Better than the ‘good-cop, bad-cop’ routine you always try to pull, anyway.”
NF: “Hey it works, doesn’t it? So what if a perp gets a black eye in the process? It gets the job done.”
LS: “No it doesn’t, because inevitably someone’s gotta pull your fat [REDACTED] out of there because you don’t have a ‘good-cop’ to counter you. And confessions made under duress aren’t admissible, anyway.”
NF: “Well…”
LS: “Just watch them, North. Maybe you’ll learn something and get through your probation with your badge in one piece.”
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[RECORDER’S NOTE: The following session involves Ponyville hero Rainbow Dash, and has been included at this point to give clarity for later events. Her involvement in this issue is unfortunate, as her record of service to Ponyville is long and storied. Her questioner is Blue Shield’s equally-hunky twin brother, Sergeant Blue Line.]
[RECORDER’S NOTE: Make outline of the pros and cons of dating twins.]
 Rainbow Dash: *rattling hoofcuffs* “Where’s Gilda? I wanna talk to her! And tear her feathers out! I’m gonna murder-lize her! I’m gonna put my hoof so far up her [REDA—“
Blue Line: “Miss Dash! Please. I know you’re upset but we need your cooperation to find out what went on.”
RD: “You bet we’re gonna find out what happened, RIGHT AFTER I RIP HER BEAK OFF! I’ll pound it outta her so hard she’ll be eating through a straw! I’ll—“
BL: “Scootaloo’s fine, by the way.”
RD: “Who? Oh, right, yeah.” *blows sigh* “Sorry. Got carried away. The last guy who was in here just got on my nerves. I mean, what kinda cop tries to punch a town hero, huh?”
[RECORDER’S NOTE: Who let North Face in with Rainbow?]
RD: “And another thing. Are the cuffs necessary? I mean, I’m not gonna be running off am I? Gotta respect the law, and all that.”
BL: “Yes, they are necessary. Now if we could get back to the original question.”
RD: “What question?”
BL: “How are you?”
RD: “Oh. Well besides a black eye and couple of bruised ribs I’m just peachy. Oh, and my pride’s kinda stingin’ because I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA APOLOGIZE! But no! She has to go and turn out to be some kind of… eugh, I can’t even say it.”
BL: *sounds of jaw creaking* “This is something we’re trying to clear up. Could you please go and tell us what happened to you?”
RD: “Sure. So there I was—“
BL: “Miss Dash please get down off of the desk or I will have to restrain you further.”
RD: “But how am I gonna tell it right if I can’t do all the hoof-motions?”
BL: “Please just… just tell it without the hoofmotions.”
RD: “Oh fine… but it’s not gonna be awesome enough.”
BL: “I think we’ll manage.”
RD: “Right, now as I was saying.” *clearing of throat* “So there I was! I was in my bathtub when I figured ‘hey, maybe I should give that backstabber Gilda another chance. She’s cool, right?’ Well, I go over to her house, since I heard she’d moved into Ponyville a couple weeks back. Still can’t figure out why. I mean, not like there’s much in the way of jobs for her here, right? And she’s never liked weather-work. All the math made her dizzy, she told me. Good thing I was good enough for both of us. N-Not that I like something as geeky as math, I’m just awesome enough to… anyway. So I fly over to her house, but she’s not there. Okay, cool. I’ll wait a bit. Five minutes later, I’m bored, so I go looking for her, and a good thing I did! I caught the [REDACTED] flashing her goodies at some old guy, and then Scootaloo walks up and she does it again!”
BL: “Which is why you tried to levy a charge of corruption of a minor against her.”
RD: “I’d rather punch her beak in!”
BL: “I know the feeling. Now if you could contin—“
RD: “That’s just disgusting, right? Would you want your kids hanging around someone flashing ponies in darkened alleyways?”
BL: “Well no—“
RD: “And how do you even do that? Nobody wears clothes, so you’ve gotta be some kinda pervo to pull that off.”
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LS: “Wow. Poor guy.”
NF: “Hah! So is this how I should handle things Sarge? She’s walkin’ all over him!”
LS: *through a mouthful of hot fudge sundae* “Sdill doingh bhedder dhen yhou.”
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GG: “I was… geez, how do I explain this. Yeah, I was meeting her back there. It was her idea, honest. Well, not the spa. That was mine. The coat and hat, was hers. And meeting her at night was mine. The uh... the old guy was my fault. …I’m just digging myself deeper, aren’t I?”
BS: “I was about to offer you a shovel.”
GG: “Haw haw.”
BS: “You were doing an admirable job of digging yourself into a hole, there. Anyway, please continue.”
GG: “Jeez… look. I wasn’t back there flashing people, and I was meeting her. I… Well…” *passes a sharp, wicked-looking claw through her head-feathers* “I’m gonna have to go back a ways to tell this right.”
BS: “I have nothing but time, Miss Griffon.”
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NF: “How is Line better than me? I can at least get the perp to stay on topic.”
LS: “He lhishens. Yhou jhushd—“ *gulp* “You just bluster and rant and threaten. And they’re not ‘perps’. Nothin’s been proved yet.”
NF: “We caught them in the act! There were witnesses! Well-known and well-regarded witnesses! Those two are guilty and you know it!”
LS: “There’s a thing called ‘due-process’, kiddo. You wanna be a vigilante, go sign on with Mare-Do-Well. Just leave the actual criminals to professionals. Now where’s my flask?”
NF: “Here. What’s in that thing, anyway? You carry it everywhere.”
LS: “A&W’s Finest Root Beer Float. Now shut up and watch.”
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 RD: “Look. I care about the kid, really. She’s my friend, and I gotta look out for her. I know I’ve been kinda keepin’ my distance lately, but she does get kinda stalkerish with her whole fangirl thing. I mean last summer I tossed an apple core away and she carries it to the trash like it was made of gold or something. I mean, I know I’m awesome, but come on. Creeeeepyyyyy.”
BL: “Of course.”
RD: “She’s been getting less creepy, though. Which is good. I mean, I love attention, who doesn’t? But she just goes overboard sometimes.”
BL: “You were saying about the events leading up to you fighting Miss Griffon in Mayor Mare’s bathtub?”
RD: “I don’t know why, but I thought Gilda might have something to do with it. She was cool, y’know? Even when we fought, she was still cool. AND THEN SHE GOES STALKING LITTLE GIRLS IN BACK ALLEYS IN A CREEPER OUTFIT AND FLASHING OLD PEOPLE!”
BL: “Ma’am, I—“
RD: “I mean come on! I thought we could be cool again and she does that?”
BL: “If you could just—“
RD: “But it just goes to show what happens when you think you know a gal. …jeez, I feel so stupid.”
BL: “This is gonna be a long night…”
RD: *rattling handcuffs* “Well I’m not going anywhere soon. You should really stay on topic. It’s kinda unprofessional to just jump off on tangents, y’know?”
BL: *audible grinding of teeth*
[RECORDER’S NOTE: Shhh… shhh… Don’t worry, Blue Line. I’ll make it all better. Just you wait.]
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NF: “Now I just feel sorry for the guy.”
LS: *sipping from her root beer float flask* “Line’s got a lot to learn, but not as much as you. He’s getting somewhere with her, watch.”
NF: “Sarge, you need to lay off the ice cream. That [REDACTED] ain’t healthy for you.”
LS: “Where do you get off telling me I have a [REDACTED] ice cream problem, squirt? I’m old enough to be your grandmother, and I’ve been eating ice cream since before your parents even thought about making you.”
NF: “I’m just sayin’!”
LS: “Well don’t. Got enough problems from my kids telling me to cut back, I don’t need my partner doing it, too. Now move aside, fat-[REDACTED], I’ve got a kid to talk to.”
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[RECORDER’S NOTE: The following is from the questioning session for Scootaloo. She was held only for her testimony and insight into the individuals Rainbow Dash and Gilda Griffon. Her questioner is Sergeant Lickety-Split, who really needs to admit she has an ice cream problem.]
LS: *opening door and muttering* “Stupid [REDACTED]’s not gonna get me fired, not this close to retirement… Hi sweetie!”
Scootaloo: “Uh, hi officer-ma’am. Are Rainbow and Gilda okay?”
LS: “They’re just fine, honey. Do you know why you’re here?”
Scootaloo: “Because I caught the Mayor and Miss Hooves doing something naughty?”
LS: “N-no.”
Scootaloo: “Because Apple Bloom and I are smugglers?”
LS: “No, sweetie-pie. You’re here because we want to hear what happened to you tonight. Now, are you doing okay? How’s your eye?”
Scootaloo: “Yeah! I’m doing great. It hurts a little, but it’s okay. Mr. Blue Line brought me soda and cupcakes and helped me take all the spitballs out of my fur. I think I still have some glitter on me, though.”
[RECORDER’S NOTE: Awwww…]
LS: “Wasn’t that nice of him? Now tell me, lamby-kins. What happened?”
Scootaloo: “Well, I was just getting back from our big fight with Spike when I remembered that I was supposed to meet Gilda tonight behind the spa, which was really dark and no one could see anything except her, since she’s got eagle eyes!”
LS: “Did she say why you were supposed to meet her there, dearie?”
Scootaloo: “Hmm… oh yeah! It was to hide from the pigs.”
LS: “The pigs?”
Scootaloo: “You know! The po-po! The fuzz! You guys!”
LS: “I see…”
Scootaloo: “So anyway, I went back there and she’s got her coat open already, which is kinda unprofessional if you ask me, but she’s older so I didn’t say anything. And then Rainbow Dash swoops outta nowhere and knocks me flat and says ‘GET AWAY FROM HER!’ It was so, cool. I can’t describe how awesome it was!”
LS: “And that’s where you got your black eye?”
Scootaloo: “Huh? No, I got that from Spike. He’s a lot better in a fight than we thought.”
LS: “Ms. Sparkle’s assistant?”
Scootaloo: “That’s him.”
LS: “What were you and Gilda doing behind the spa, little bit?”
Scootaloo: “She was gonna ‘give me the goods’, if you know what I mean. Heh heh. That’s smuggling talk. I learned it from Miss Twilight’s old movies that Spike showed us.”
LS: “’Give you the goods?’ Could you be more specific, lambycakes?”
Scootaloo: “Yeah. She had somethin’ real good she wanted to give me, but I couldn’t tell anyone.”
LS: “…o-oh dear.”
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[RECORDER’S NOTE: Bleugh. I have to look away. Back to Miss Griffon and how amazing Blue Shield is.]
GG: “It was a birthday present for Rainbow. I had a photo of us from the last time she was in school framed and was gonna give it to her myself, but our fight last summer put the kibosh on that. So I asked Scootaloo to do it.”
BS: “Why were you behind Heavenly Hooves Day Spa?”
GG: “Because the little idiot’s been watching too many old detective movies and wanted to do the handoff like those old black and whites. It was silly, but hey, I like the kid. She’s cool. So I figure why not? So I put on some ratty old coat and hat I had laying around and went to meet her.”
BS: “How do you know Scootaloo?”
GG: “Like I said, she’s my roommate. And I was getting’ to that part.” *sigh* “It started back about eight months ago. I’d been outta school and flight camp for a while, and Rainbow’s [REDACTED]hole pops finally kicked the bucket. Just up and croaks from a burst vessel in his head right in my apartment trying to get me to tell him where Rainbow was. I told her about it, and we agree to meet once I got settled someplace new.”
BS: “I’m sorry.”
GG: “Don’t be. He was a complete nutcase and I’m glad he’s dead, and I’m pretty sure everyone else is, too.”
BS: “I see. How did you come to Ponyville?”
GG: “Well I had to quit my job because apparently there was nowhere else in Cloudsdale that’ll rent an apartment to a student, and I’m not living in a place where a dead guy, y’know, died. Had to burn my favorite rug ‘cause he [REDACTED] all over it when he went. Ugh. And since I could, or so I thought, move closer to my school now that I wasn’t covering for Rainbow, I tried to find a place here. Biggest mistake I ever made…”
BS: “That still doesn’t explain how you met Scootaloo.”
GG: “I’m getting to it! Keep your hat on! ANYWAY. As I was sayin’, I swung by through town to scope out some new places to live, and of course to see Rainbow again. She’s my best friend, so I gotta at least show my face, right? But then…” *bitter sigh* “Well, I guess ponies change on ya, don’t they?”
BS: “So it was you we saw flying out of Sugarcube Corner last summer? There was a call from there about an altercation between a griffon and several ponies.”
GG: “Probably me, then.”
BS: “You have my sympathies, then. I heard what went on. It can’t have been easy for you.”
GG: “Don’t try and butter me up, pal. I don’t even do the hoofcuff thing in the bedroom.”
BS: “I’m sorry if that’s how it came out. Please continue.”
GG: “Anyhow… So now I can’t move back to Cloudsdale because it’s too expensive and far away and I can’t live in Ponyville because Rainbow’s a flip-flop and it’d be way too awkward trying to tiphoof around each other every day. It’s already hard enough flying past there to Canterlot for school.”
BS: “Then where have you been staying?”
GG: “In a cave.”
BS: “A cave?”
GG: “Yeah, but it doesn’t feel like a cave. My new buddy Harry fixed it up so nice it feels more like a house. He even fit a Hex-Box in there somehow. He lets me stay so long as I clean up and walk Scootaloo to school.”
BS: “How does… How does Harry know Scootaloo?”
GG: “He’s her uncle.”
BS: “Her uncle’s a bear?”
GG: “Yep. He’s a bear alright.”
[RECORDER’S NOTE: Wait, there’s a bear around here that lives in house-cave?]
BS: “…continue.”
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NF: “They’re not actually related, are they? ‘Cause that says all kinds of weird things about Scootaloo’s parents.”
[RECORDER’S NOTE: …remind me to buy some mind-soap after this, North.]
NF: “Only if I can get it after you’re done.”
[RECORDER’S NOTE: Sure.]
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 RD: “Look, I’m sorry. I’m just having a rough night, bro. I wake up earlier thinking, ‘hey, maybe I should give my best friend another chance’, only to find out she’s some kinda sick freak who [REDACTED] to little fillies.”
BL: *rubbing his jaw* “That’s not what we heard from Scootaloo.”
RD: “It’s not? Whaddayou mean it’s not? I saw it with my own two eyes! She had her coat open and was saying some weird junk about ‘I got da goods little lady’ and was reaching into it! I even heard that old goat Sweepy saying she’d been molesting him!”
BL: “I can’t speak for Gilda, but I spoke with Scootaloo earlier. I found out that she’s been a part of this ‘Junior Mob’ game that all the kids in town have been playing since school started. You might want to ask Pinkie Pie about it, since she’s been the one running it.”
RD: “Wait, Pinkie runs a… a kids game?”
BL: “She’s also been helping keep the streets safe for kids by turning her ‘speakeasy’ into a safe house. Just in case there are creepers out there like you’ve accused Miss Griffon of being.”
RD: “But—“
BL: “