[00:39] <macrophage> James finds many lulls in his workday. Between being passed around departments, and once again testing plugsuit designs proposed by Janelle and her mentors occasionally, he has lots of time to mill around and otherwise chat or make himself helpful. Currently, in a room on base, Ayanami is rewinding footage of the last Kachina to be fought. That mass of..eyes. She plays a segment where it blasts
[00:39] <macrophage> someone, and then rewinds. Then plays it again. And rewinds. She loops with precision.
[00:41] * HLeviathan passes the door with a glance, then takes a step back and looks again. The eyes. He remembers them. They're somehow more disturbing on film than 'in person'.
[00:42] <HLeviathan> He lingers at the door a bit, watching them.
[00:43] <macrophage> She continues to loop the footage over, and over again.  Ignoring James when he lingers inside the door.  It's not really apparent what she's doing.
[00:43] <HLeviathan> After about a minute, James steps inside. "Are you looking for something Ms. Ayanami?" he asks.
[00:45] <macrophage> She continues looping for a while, and then...rewinds to where she'd been rewinding it to, and turns to look at James.  "I...feel something strange, looking at it.", she will reply.
[00:46] * HLeviathan comes a long side her, and examines the frozen tape. "What kind of feeling?" he asks, trying to remember his own feelings when he fought it.
[00:47] * HLeviathan is now known as James_Arroyo
[00:47] <macrophage> "Madison Garcia told me that it was called Deja Vu.", she gives James that characteristically blank look.
[00:48] <James_Arroyo> "So you feel like you've seen it before?" he asks, looking at her.
[00:50] <macrophage> "Possibly."
[00:51] * James_Arroyo furrows his brow. "You possibly saw it before or you possibly feel like you saw it before?" he asks, uncertain.
[00:53] <macrophage> "The second one is probably the most accurate.", she fidgets slightly.
[00:53] * James_Arroyo considers.
[00:56] <James_Arroyo> "You were an Eva pilot before, right?" he asks.
[00:57] <macrophage> "Pilot candidate.", she will correct.
[00:57] * James_Arroyo nods. "Did you evern synchronize with an Eva?" he asks, taking a seat if one is available.
[00:58] <macrophage> "I did.  My synch ratio was considered exceptionally stable, but low."
[00:59] <James_Arroyo> "Were you in any of the Evas we use?" He asks, one eye occasionally wandering back to the screen. Even the presence of a dead enemy is unsettling.
[01:00] <macrophage> "00 was used for all preliminary synchronization tests."
[01:00] <macrophage> "....Is there something you want to know?", he's asking questions like he usually does.
[01:02] * James_Arroyo shakes his head. "I mean, maybe you got some sort of impression from the Eva? Ai, Anthony and Jane pick up feelings from theirs."
[01:03] <macrophage> She goes motionless.  Perhaps she's thinking.  "I'm not good with feelings."
[01:04] <James_Arroyo> "Sensations? Thoughts? Memories?" He offers.
[01:06] <macrophage> "It gave me a headache."
[01:07] <James_Arroyo> "Maybe not, then," he says, turning back to look at the screen. "Did the other candidates ever talk about what synchronizing was like?" he asks.
[01:10] <macrophage> "Ikari said he felt like he was being watched.", she'll volunteer.
[01:12] <James_Arroyo> "Hm."
[01:12] <James_Arroyo> "Is this the only Kachina where you felt this?" he asks.
[01:15] <macrophage> "Yes.  None of the others have made me feel like this.  I am not sure if it means something."
[01:17] <James_Arroyo> "It IS dead, right?" he asks, looking at her again.
[01:20] <macrophage> "Surya Banerjee has run extensive analyses of the footage.", Rei pushes a button on the remote control she's been holding, and the footage suddenly has a layer of colors to it.  Brilliant indigo, yellow, and orange.  Scatterings of colors where neutralization is undoubtedly occuring.  "It showed the characteristic signs of Kachina death."
[01:23] <James_Arroyo> "I don't know, then," James admits defeat.
[01:25] <macrophage> "Are you worried that it is not dead?", she'll then ask.
[01:27] <James_Arroyo> "I don't think it is," he says, "I was just trying to think of why it might be different somehow," he says.
[01:28] <macrophage> "It's probably just me.  I'm not normal, so..."
[01:29] * James_Arroyo smiles a little. "Well. You're not alone," he says.
[01:32] <macrophage> It takes her a few seconds to process.  "You're trying to be nice.  Thank you.", she offers...a cautious smile.
[01:34] <James_Arroyo> His smile widens a little, then looks back to the Kachina on screen. "You know what I feel when I look at it?"
[01:35] <macrophage> "No.", her reply comes quickly this time.
[01:37] <James_Arroyo> "I feel apprehensive. Like its right there and I need to fight it," he answers. "Even though I know its dead, I have to focus to talk to you, because I keep shutting everything out."
[01:39] <macrophage> "It is reasonable to be afraid of something like that.  Perhaps it is...post-traumatic stress disorder."
[01:41] <James_Arroyo> "...Do you think so?" he asks, looking back at her, concerned.
[01:42] <macrophage> She gives about the least helpful answer ever.  "I'm not a psychologist."
[01:43] <James_Arroyo> "Do you sleep okay at night?" James asks her.
[01:44] <macrophage> "I have problems sleeping.  I cannot...", a frown works itself onto her face.  "I do not know how to express it."
[01:45] <James_Arroyo> "Anxious. Oppressed. Trapped," James offers.
[01:47] <macrophage> "I don't know."
[01:48] <James_Arroyo> "Thats how I feel," James says.
[01:51] <macrophage> "Is there anything you feel anxious about?"
[01:53] <James_Arroyo> "When I sleep, I don't dream, but I wake up anxious," he says. "Its from the way I was raised," he says.
[01:55] <macrophage> "That's...", she tries to work up the correct words here.  "I'm.....sorry."
[01:56] * James_Arroyo shakes his head. "I was wondering if it was the same for you. Since you said you were trained like me."
[01:57] <macrophage> "I'm different from you and Jane.  I think my conditioning was different.  And I...was given this injection when I was very young.  That made me like this."
[01:58] <James_Arroyo> "What did you do?" asks tenatively.
[02:00] <macrophage> "I was raised by GEHIRN.  Dr. Akagi and Shinji's father raised me.  I was allowed to do what I wanted for many years, and was given lessons.  I...was put through a lot of tests.  And was praised when I did well."
[02:02] <James_Arroyo> "Can I ask what kind of tests?" he asks.
[02:06] <macrophage> "Synch tests...personality evaluations.  Academic exams.  Fitness exams.  I was shown video footage of images that were supposed to bother people, and my reaction was measured...one time, I was placed in a room and was shocked and had my fingers pricked with needles and my pain response was measured."
[02:06] <macrophage> She says all this with no sign of distaste.
[02:06] * James_Arroyo nods.
[02:07] <James_Arroyo> "Do you like dogs?" he asks.
[02:08] <macrophage> "I don't dislike dogs.", she'll reply.
[02:10] <James_Arroyo> "When I was little, I was put in a room with an angry dog. It was bigger than me," he says. "It was behind a fence, so it couldn't get to me, but I was left alone with it."
[02:11] <macrophage> "It was a test.", she will say.  "How did you react?"
[02:13] <James_Arroyo> "I was scared. I cried, and I cried, and I cried. And the dog kept barking. I begged to be let out, for someone to let me out, but no one came," even as he recalls this calmly, his eyes start to mist up. "I don't know how the kept the poor dog barking and angry the entire time. Eventually I couldn't cry any more."
[02:16] <macrophage> Rei thinks for a moment, and then gives the calmest, most honest response she can manage.  "I would have killed it.  Because it was probably a test on one's willingness and capability to fight physically imposing enemies."
[02:19] * James_Arroyo looks at her for a time, scrutinizing her face for emotion, but then eventually gives up. "I wanted to," he admits. "It never got that far. They made the room scarier each time I went in. A smaller room. No fence. Another dog. They stopped that test when I punched the dog."
[02:22] <macrophage> "This is why you have trouble sleeping?"
[02:25] <James_Arroyo> "Not specifically," he says. "But yes," he says. "I feel like that. Helpless."
[02:28] <macrophage> "But you aren't helpless.", she will offer.  "You're one of the few people who has more influence on humanity's destiny than the rest."
[02:29] * James_Arroyo nods. "Its a feeling," he explains, "And if I wasn't raised the way I was, I might not be able to fight the Kachina like I do. I just hope that one day I can make these feelings stop," he says.
[02:33] <macrophage> "I hope you do, too.", she will volunteer.  "You are already far more advanced than I am.  I would like to see you become entirely normal."
[02:34] <James_Arroyo> "You don't think you can?" he asks her.
[02:34] * macro (~stuff@53D6A227.541D731A.89284EC.IP) has joined #fourcorners
[02:35] <macro> "I hope you do, too.", she will volunteer.  "You are already far more advanced than I am.  I would like to see you become entirely normal."
[02:35] <James_Arroyo> "You don't think you can?" he asks her.
[02:37] * macrophage (~stuff@DB0CFECA.541D731A.89284EC.IP) Quit (Ping timeout: 240 seconds)
[02:39] <macro> "I don't know.  I..have tried.", she frowns a bit.  "I do not believe that I experience emotions as intensely as others do."
[02:40] <James_Arroyo> "But you feel them," he offers. Or hopes.
[02:42] * Janine_Shepard (~chatzilla@Rizon-2B8A49F9.sctnpa.east.verizon.net) Quit (Remote host closed the connection)
[02:43] <macro> "Yes.", she will reply.  "I have felt...exhilaration.  Fear.  Hope.  Shame.  Sexual arousal...and maybe infatuation or love.  Among other things.  But I am told that I am...cold.  I was told that I exhibit telltale signs of autism."
[02:46] * James_Arroyo considers her words. "Are you happy?" he asks her.
[02:47] <macro> "I'm not unhappy.  I want to be here.  And help.", perhaps not the answer he'd hope for, but it's something, right?
[02:48] <James_Arroyo> "I mean, are you satisfied with your life? At least so far?"
[02:51] <macro> "No.  I'm unable to have meaningful relationships.", she doesn't lie, it seems.
[02:52] <James_Arroyo> "...I think our relationship is meaningful," he says.
[02:53] <macro> "I fear that I'm not emotionally responsive enough to meet your expectations.  But that isn't what I meant."
[02:54] * James_Arroyo listens.
[02:55] <macro> "There are things I should have done, that I can not do anymore, and there are things I have done that I should not have done.  And there are things I mean to do, but haven't."
[02:56] * James_Arroyo waits, hoping she'll be forthcoming with specific details.
[02:58] <macro> She's not so oblivious that she doesn't realize that he's fishing for personal details.  "I was unable to protect Wilhemina, and I did not get to apologize for hurting her feelings when we were young.  And I've hurt other people's feelings before."
[03:01] <James_Arroyo> "We can't change the past," James says. "So your missed opportunities, the things you regret doing, its too late," he says.
[03:02] <macro> "Knowing that I cannot change things does not make it any less unsatisfying."
[03:02] <James_Arroyo> "The things you mean to do? You can do them still. Even if its hard," he says.
[03:03] <macro> "I understand what you're saying.  However, I am not sure I will be happy once I have finished accomplishing those things."
[03:05] <James_Arroyo> "Would you rather regret missing your chance?" he asks her.
[03:06] <macro> She starts to sound a little flustered.  "We are not debating whether I am going to accomplish my goals.  We are discussing my current emotional state.  I do not know what you want me to say."\
[03:09] <James_Arroyo> "I mean, you might not be happy. But is the risk of disappointment worth the regret?" he holds her gaze, clearly more affected by his own words than she is.
[03:11] <macro> She tears her gaze away from his.  "I don't know the answer to that question."
[03:13] <James_Arroyo> "If I could answer for you, I'd say take the risk," he says. "..." he stands up suddenly.
[03:14] <macro> Her gaze turns back to him.  What's he doing?
[03:15] * James_Arroyo looks back down to her. "I'm sorry," he says. "Um. If I understand if this is uncomfortable, but talking with you is really important to me," he says.
[03:17] <macro> "I do not mind...but why do you find it very important?", she looks up at him, perhaps looking just a little confused.
[03:20] <James_Arroyo> "Its because we're a lot alike," he smiles faintly, "I'm sorry but I-I got to go tell my dad I love him."
[03:22] <macro> "You're a good person, James.", she will close with that, and turn back to the screen to stare at the picture.
[03:25] <James_Arroyo> James makes his way directly to the Commanders office, and looks at the S2 Agent posted on the door. "Is the Commander available?" he asks.
[03:27] <macro> "Michael's out.", the S2 agent will reply.  Times are changing, and James might have forgotten that.  His father's moved offices and is now working in at least three different departments.
[03:28] * James_Arroyo winces slightly, realizing his mistake, and makes his way to the former Commander's new office.
[03:29] <macro> He's in his office.  The door is partway open.  You hear typing inside.
[03:30] * James_Arroyo knocks on the door lightly, hoping to get his attention.
[03:31] <macro> "Come in.", a shuffling of papers is heard.  When James enters, the former commander has a large textbook opened, and a sheaf of papers is spread out over the pages.  He's typing something.  When he notices it's James, he stops.  "James.", he'll say.
[03:33] * James_Arroyo nods, "Do you have a moment?" he asks.
[03:34] <macro> "Yes, do you need something?", his eyes are a bit unfocused.  Like he's been staring at small text and a computer screen for too long.
[03:37] * James_Arroyo nods again and closes the door behind him as he comes up to the desk. He stands there for a bit, fidgiting. "Um."
[03:38] <macro> "What.", he's a bit confused by whatever James is doing.  He'll wait for him to speak.
[03:40] <James_Arroyo> "Um," he starts again. "...Dad," he winces slightly when he uses the word. "...I" he stops and clamps his mouth shut, averting his eyes. "Dad... I... love you dad," he says, managing to keep his eyes locked on to the former commander, his body ramrod straight.
[03:43] <macro> And...that confused look on his face grows a bit more confused.  "I...", he knows what James is trying to pull.  "You're going to get offended, but...I'm not really the type to say things like that in return.", he tries to look apologetic.
[03:44] * James_Arroyo shakes his head, the only part of him that will move. "Its okay," he says. "I... I just wanted to say it while I still had the chance." He clamps his mouth shut again, trying to remain composed.
[03:48] <macro> "I'm not going anywhere yet.", he'll reply.  "So don't worry.  I know I haven't had enough time to give you and Jane much attention, but maybe you two will join me later when I have some free time.  Dinner.  No alcohol."
[03:50] * James_Arroyo nods. "I'm sorry..." he says. "I was talking to Ayanami... and, I don't want to live... or die... with regrets."
[03:52] <macro> "It's a good policy to have.  Just...don't try to think about death too much.  Not healthy.  Now...I hate to do this, but I need to get this report out as soon as possible.  Later tonight, okay?"
[03:53] * James_Arroyo nods again, and smiles tenatively. "I'll tell Jane," he says, and excuses himself.
[03:53] <macro> End mini