Conduit: Chapter 2 - Ponyville Intoductions

>A faint amount of light finds it's way into your eyes, following what seemed like the longest night ever. You weren't sure what was worse; the dull pain periodically keeping you just barely on the cusp of consciousness, or the numerous, bizarre, and altogether entirely too real dreams in the intermittent times of actual sleep. Pulling yourself up with a heavy grunt, you notice that this darkened room looks nothing like the empty living room that usually greets you every morning. Did you get blackout drunk again last night? Did someone slip you some drugs and steal you away to the exciting and fast paced world of human trafficking? Whatever the hell was going on, you'd figure it out after coffee.

>Swinging yourself out of bed and standing up brings a call from your old friend intense pain, just letting you know that everything was still totally horrible for you. You could walk, though, with a bit of effort, which is more than you could say if some of those wild dreams actually happened. You run over a few of them, at least what you could remember, while stumbling around the unfamiliar environment trying to find an exit. Falling from great heights, being chased by a menagerie of terrifying beasts, getting trapped in an immense war between nations, finding yourself naked in front of a packed auditorium as all your teeth fall out before you have to take a test you didn't study for; every brand of nightmare you could think of. But by far the strangest was the one where you woke up in a strange, alien world full of talking, colorful pon-

>”SURPRISE!!”

>The force of the six voices nearly sends you tumbling back down the staircase. Bracing against the wall, you look up to find there is apparently a party going on inside this tree. A pink manifestation of unbridled happiness bounces into your line of sight. []

>”Good morning Anonymous! Or should I say 'good afternoon', since you slept straight through the morning. But I guess that makes sense, what with that nasty fall you took yesterday. Hey! You must be feeling much better if you came up here all by yourself; Twilight said it's probably be another few days before that happened. In fact, I was just on my way down to get you and carry you up here when I heard you wake up, so instead I got everyone to hide and-”

>In desperation you clamp the hyperactive horse's mouth shut with one hand, before you evolved into an entirely new lifeform graced with a lack of ears while waiting for her to stop. You look around the room to see the five other p0ny things from the night before standing around looking at you, one or two giggling at your direct approach to making things silent. You let go of the pink motormouth, a blinding smile still streaked across her face. You posit an important question.

“The hell's all this?”

>”It's a surprise 'Welcome to Equestria' party, silly! I set it up while you were asleep. I just couldn't let you drop in to a whole new world without a welcoming party!”

>Sure enough, a banner was draped on the wall opposite your entrance from the basement, on it a crude, human shaped stick figure surrounded by six even cruder p0ny stick figures, and the words “Welcome, Anonymous”, all lovingly rendered in the finest of crayons. Your gaze drifts between a few places, finally resting on a table adorned with an amazing array of sweets and other such delectables, reminding you just how long it's been since you last ate.

>”Oh! Before I forget, you need your party essentials!”

>Pink p0ny jumps backwards a bit, and beyond all possibility pulls a full-sized bright pink cartoon cannon out of the space directly behind her. The expression of shock plastered across your face only intensifies as you realize she's pointed it straight at you. []

“Whoa, whoa wait a minute!”

>You bring your arms up to guard your head in futility as the cannon fires with a loud squeaking explosion. You find this somewhat odd, almost as odd as the fact that you still had a chest for your arms to be attached to. Letting them drop you discover the blizzard of confetti surrounding you, the cardboard party hat now strapped to your head, and the rolled up noisemaker sticking out of your mouth. You breathe a sigh of relief, coming out as a “fweee” through the classic party device.

>Pink Pastry or whatever her name was wheels the confusing device off to some other part of the party, presumably to scare the living daylights out of some other unfortunate soul. Your attention returns to the snack table, where you notice that purple unicorn is sitting, Twilight, you think her name was. Perfect, now you could sate your aching hunger, and also maybe get some more coherent answers about things. As crazy as this ridiculous situation you found yourself in was, Twilight seemed like the most sane sapient creature you've come across, at least so far. Somewhat dismayed by the complete lack of chairs existing anywhere, you take a seat on the floor with another pained grunt and place the party hat and noisemaker on the table while scanning for what seemed the most edible.

>”Sorry about Pinkie, I know she can seem a little... wild to newcomers.” She giggles somewhat knowingly while levitating the cupcake she was eating back to a solid surface.

“Yeah...”

>You glance over to find the cannon again being fired, this time at the light blue flying p0ny, who deftly dodges out of the way while laughing. Pinkie says something about “partying her up whether she likes it or not” while aiming for another shot.

“Is she always like that?” []

>”You get used to it.” The half-eaten cupcake finds it's way back to her mouth, reminding you again that a fresh one should do the same for you.

>Grabbing one with light green icing, you tentatively take a bite. It tastes faintly of apples, which while kind of odd, isn't that bad at all. Though you'd probably say that of just about anything right now. You greedily scarf down the rest of it before Twilight resumes conversation.

>”Your kind must have a remarkable capacity for recovery. Already being able to walk again would put your rate of healing at about twice as fast as I had estimated.”

>A simple shrug is all you can think to answer with, before going for another cupcake. It was a bit strange that you were already up and about again, if that fall really did happen. Almost as strange as the fact that you survived it at all; you recall stories of many a skydiver with failed chutes not faring nearly as well. Evidently the reaper wasn't ready to take you in just yet. You wipe some of the icing off of your face before moving on to a more immediate social concern.

“So, last night was a bit... hectic. I don't think I've been properly introduced to the rest of your, uh, friends here.”

>”Oh, of course! Well, I'm sure you remember that I'm Twilight Sparkle, and I can tell you've already met Pinkie Pie. There's also-”

>”There's also me, Rainbow Dash!” Some kind of blunted pole comes to rest on your head. You look up to find the rainbow-haired wingp0ny balancing by one foreleg on top of it. “I'm the fastest Pegasus in all Equestria! Check this out.” []

>Before you even have time to protest her odd placement she's already zipped out the window at a speed you'd wager fighter jets would have a hard time keeping up with. Napkins and party favors fly off the table from the sudden gust of wind, as well as the loose bandaging about your head. And then hardly a second later, the pegasus was back, having come in from another window on the other side of the house, balancing on her other foreleg this time.

>”Pretty cool, huh?”

“Spectacular. Please get off of me.”

>She takes slight offense to your lack of outward amazement, but brushes it off and flaps over to some other part of the party. In all honesty you were very amazed; you've never seen a living creature move anywhere near that fast, at least unassisted. But the constant, dull pain and the oppressively saccharine environment you found yourself in was leaving you in a less than cheery mood. The orange p0ny that you now notice had three small apples somehow tattooed on her backside approaches the table. Twilight sparks back up and continues her introductions.

>”And this here's Applejack. She works at Sweet Apple Acres, providing our town with the best apples this side of Appleoosa.”

>The startlingly apple-centric p0ny blushes slightly, an act you find strange considering the thin coat of orange fur covering her entire body.

>”Aw, shucks, Twi. No need to go buildin me up like that. Anyhow, pleased to meet ya, Anonymous. I see yer enjoyin them apple cupcakes.”

>You finish jamming another one into your insatiable gullet before responding, speech somewhat muddled by it's presence.

“Sohry, missed dinner lah nigh.” You strain to gulp down the mass of sugary dough. “I was gonna order Chinese, but then the whole 'falling out of the sky into a crazy world of talking p0nies' thing happened. Really puts a damper on a guy's schedule.” []

>Applejack, as you now know her, smiles a bit at your animated arm waving during the brief regaling of times past. She adjusts her hat idly, in a sort of unconscious, habitual way.

>”Well, might wanna go easy on em besides; I'm not too clear on ya'lls normal diet, but nothin but cupcakes prolly ain't doin you any favors.”

>Rainbow casually drifts overhead, relaxing on a bed of nothing. “Are you kidding? Pinkie once ate a whole 30 cupcakes before she even STARTED to feel nauseous.”

>”Yeah, but that's Pinkie,” Twilight interjects, “She has a sugar tolerance higher than I thought was even possible for p0nykind. Among other things I thought not possible for p0nykind.”

>You idly glance around the room to find the mare in question seemingly unhinge her lower jaw and consume an entire birthday cake whole at another table. You stare wide eyed in shock for the second time today.

>”Now I KNOW you've not started formal introductions without me, Twilight dear.”

>A stunningly sophisticated voice snaps you back to attention. It was the p0ny with a blinding white coat and contrasting dark violet mane, whom you recognized as the only other unicorn of the group. She also looks to take even greater care of her appearance than all the rest, a fact you almost thought impossible; y'know, besides all the OTHER impossible things that have been going on lately.

>”Well, I'm Rarity, as Twilight may have told you, and I run that darling little boutique across the way.” A gift-wrapped package levitates up from behind her, supported by a light blue aura. “Now, I know this wasn't really one of those gift-giving soirees, but I couldn't sleep at all last night, knowing a creature as interesting as yourself would see fit to trounce about in such plainclothes attire. That and I took it as sort of a challenge to design an outfit for something I never knew existed.” []

>A bit of her flowery language sort of just passes right through your head without stopping to get acquainted, but you definitely got the “gift” bit. The present drifts into your grasp, and you tentatively begin opening it with an involuntary smile. After all, it's always nice to get gifts.

>Well, almost always. Out of the box you pull what can only be described as “the foppest damn thing you've ever laid eyes on”. It's a formal jacket and pants, in some capacity, but each piece is adorned with so much lace, frills and gemstones of all shapes, sizes and colors you could probably use it to become a feared pirate captain that blinded his opponents with gaudiness before running them through with a cutlass. You stare blankly at it at arms length for a moment, then look back to find the ivory equine looking at you with intense anticipation. You search desperately for the right words for a response to this situation.

“It's... fancy. It's very fancy.”

>To your relief she seems to take this as a compliment, emitting a high pitched squeal and nearly bouncing up and down giddily, something you would have expected from her wilder compatriot. Carefully folding the dangerously ostentatious garment back into it's box, you almost immediately begin thinking about what dark corner of your closest you'd be burying it in. Not to mention that you needed a closet, preferably one with very deep, very dark corners.

>After that dangerous brush with fashion far more intense than you were used to, nothing else seems to jump out at you as important. Though you can't help but think there was something else, like another p0ny or- oh, the other pegasus, with the yellow and the quiet and all that. You spot her way across the room, sitting at a table with... a bunny and a squirrel? You gently nudge at Twilight to regain her attention. []

“What about her?” you ask, gesturing in the distant p0ny's direction.

>”That's Fluttershy. She's... well, shy around newcomers. But she'll come around soon enough.”

>You come to realize that some of these p0nies names were almost scarily demonstrative of their personalities and habits. While noting the three pink butterflies in roughly the same spot as applep0ny's apples, she suddenly becomes aware of your gaze. You give a simple wave. She responds by attempting to make herself smaller than the white rabbit sitting on her head. You look away and rest your head on your hand with a sigh.

“Twilight?”

>”Yes?”

“Your friends are weird.”

>She giggles knowingly. “Tell me about it.”