Overcoming Emptiness (Anhedonia)

Right now, I'm outside of this nothingness for the first time in four years, everything is peaceful, calm, there's a pleasant undertone of love and I'm able to see the beauty in all things, where previously I held nothing but disdain for almost everyone and everything. Truthfully this state feels extremely unusual and I'm not sure how long it will last, but I feel compelled to state my piece if it can help anyone get free of that all swallowing anhedonia.

I had been emotionally dead, empty, a husk; animus, simply existing with this body for the past four years. I'd only managed to cry twice in that time, and one of those was for five seconds before regaining complete composure as if nothing had happened. It was completely deafening and left me detached from not just the outside world, but everything, especially myself.

Other people cannot relate to this, they cannot understand or accept you unless they've been through it themselves, they can endure it alongside you but the change has to come from within. You are the mind and you can change perspective. You are what you believe you are.

My childhood was extremely troubled, always being an outsider, emotional neglect, constantly moving homes and being excluded from schools left me unable to connect with the vast majority of people from an early age. I didn't get along with my (half)brother and sister who were ten years older than me and my father committed suicide before I ever got to meet him. I'd always been depressed and planned to end it all from a young age. (12)

All that time I'd felt trapped, and this I believe is important.

I met somebody who I completely connected with from the get go, lost myself in that person for years in an extremely complicated and destructive relationship. But because of them I know what love is, the kind that binds you to someone for the rest of your days.

Since losing them, all feeling and meaning had disappeared, no matter who I tried to find myself in or with, nobody's love could stir a spec of dust, so I began to avoid others as not consume them in the whirlpool of misery. This leaves you even more isolated but that's what comes alongside being a killjoy.

So what changed? From being homeless, I got somewhere to live, furniture, possessions; that didn't help, but after a while it gave me stability. Now the only thing keeping me trapped was myself. I've limited the time I spend gaming or performing any distractions, anything that is _supposed_ to give you 'joy' or entertainment, and only do so when it's okay by me. If you find any interest, take it up even if at first it gives you no pleasure.

I started to spend more time reading, forcing it as I'd picked out subjects that I knew had an appeal to me personally, even if all desires had long fled, there was a part of me in there. General exercise became a thing, nothing strenuous, not for anybody else or to be attractive. Just getting up to scratch and keeping the body in working order, again, for myself. You don't even have to go outside, just push-ups and crunches. Once you've got this general stability you feel as if you can take opportunities again. You have the belief and know that there's a foundation in place.

I changed my diet to eating for my body, considering the long-term instead of the fat/sugar cravings which in reality don't satisfy you anyway. Relapsing just shows you what you weren't missing.

I spoke to the woman I'd loved for the first time in years and laid everything bare, asked for help with the situation and while they could give me advice and understanding, having been there themselves, it offered no new incite or understanding. There was no magical solvent. We both knew there was no future and she wont even speak to me now, but again, I'd done what I wanted. I'd expressed my mind, and over the next few days I continued to force myself to engage with real life, ticked swimming off my to do list and allowed my being to come out.

This was that miracle cure I'd been seeking. Everything is so calm now, peaceful, a resting smile has become default. Still I'm clueless as to my direction in life, but there's this knowledge of being comfortable in myself that can't be stripped by anyone or anything.

I'd also like to recommend the book *Siddhartha* that touches on all of these issues. Things such as seeing everything in life as false; social interactions being nothing but role-play, losing yourself and finding acceptance. As well as Meditations by Marcus Aurelius, a man who held the position of Emperor while seeing life as worthless, holding lessons such as:

"Let opinion be taken away, and no man will think himself wronged. If
no man shall think himself wronged, then is there no more any such thing
 as wrong."
"Why deprive yourself of the time for some other task? I mean, thinking about what so-and-so is doing, and why, what is he saying or contemplating or plotting, and all that line of thought; makes you stray from the close watch on your own directing mind."


Sincerest apologies for blogposting, but hopefully this can help some of you. I've spent nearly nearly my entire life being miserable and had ascertained that this was my destiny. You can certainly breach this emptiness too. It is possible and it's for you to change. It is all in your perspective.