kel angst

“What’s up, Sunny?”

Kel looked down at Sunny, who was set on the side of their bed, melancholic and deep in thought. Sunny snapped out of his haze at the sound of Kel’s voice, and looked up to meet his bright gaze.

“...It’s just the usual.”

“It’s not stuff you want to talk about?” Sunny shook his head. “Well, that’s okay. Hey, I’ve got a plan!” Kel put his can down (Sunny wished he’d drink healthier, but hey, cola is better than the coffee-orange abominations he used to chug down), and made his way over. Before Sunny could protest, Kel effortlessly lifted him into a bridal carry and began rattling off a list of things he was going to do to cheer Sunny up. Maybe Sunny would’ve actually paid attention if he weren’t so flustered at the sudden handling. “...and then we’ll all be okay! How does that sound?”

Kel only noticed how flushed Sunny’s face was when he looked down to see Sunny, who was aggressively staring at the wallpaper. “...You don’t have to pick me up like that...”

“But I can’t help it! You’re just so portable!”

“It’s your fault, you’re too tall.” Sunny’s face lit up as he made the slight jab, and he finally mustered the strength to look up and meet Kel’s eyes.

He only barely noticed that Kel wasn’t smiling at first, before he put on his signature, patent-pending grin. Huh.

“Well, I’ve got to be tall! How else am I going to play basketball? Come on, let’s get you set up.” Sunny wanted to press, but maybe it’d be best to let Kel carry on with... whatever over-the-top routine he had planned. With Kel leaving for basketball practice in an hour, Sunny would have plenty of time to think of a way to cheer him up.

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“I’m hoo-oome!” Kel opened the door with a dramatic flair, only to find a particularly startled audience and the sound of a pan dropping. With a bit more caution, he quickly closed the door and rushed to Sunny’s side. “Are you okay?! I’m sorry, I didn’t realise you were cooking...”

“I’m okay.” Sunny picked up the pan, then looked up to Kel. “I’m making burgers. To thank you. For looking out for me earlier, as in.” He felt childish, struggling to get his words out when even slightly caught off-guard, but Kel always waited patiently as he spoke.

“Hey, it’s alright, you don’t need to do that... Say, why don’t you let me take it from here? You’ve already got the burgers ready, I just need to cook them.”

...Why wasn’t he enthusiastic? Any other day, and Kel would be bouncing off the walls. Did Kel feel that bad about scaring him?

“...I want to do it. For you.” Sunny was met with a thankful, if reserved, grin.

“Okay, I’ll let you handle it! Maybe you should wait for me to take a shower first, I kinda smell of sweat right now...”

Kel shot off before Sunny could respond. Truthfully, Sunny was a bit thankful that Kel was sparing his senses, but this all feels so fake. If this wasn’t going to work, what else could Sunny do?

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“Man, you really know how to cook!” Kel leaned back, patting his belly in an almost comedic fashion, leaving Sunny relieved that Kel still had some spark in him. “You know, you could teach Hero a thing or two!”

Good things don’t last, it seems, and the cheerful mood in the room quickly faded, with Sunny’s slight smile fading and Kel quickly regretting the accidental topic shift, making way for a thick tension that oozed between the two.

“...He’ll come around eventually, Sunny. He just needs time, I promise... You know, last time I called, he asked how you were.” Kel paused for a moment, expecting Sunny to speak up, but was met with silence. “He still cares about you and stuff, he just... he needs time to process it.” Both boys in the room knew that Hero had had more than enough time to make the first step in repairing their friendship, but with neither Sunny nor Kel being brave enough to risk upsetting Hero further, their only option was passive acceptance and fragile hope. Another moment of silence passed between the two, only masked by the ambience of the television.

“I’ll go do the dishes.” Maybe Sunny shouldn’t ditch Kel so quickly, but any escape from the situation was welcome. Kel nodded in return, seemingly too lost in thought to give a verbal response, so Sunny took both dishes and his leave.

As Sunny began filling the basin, his mind quickly began to wander. The situation with Hero was... uncomfortable, but more pressingly, Kel was guarded about something. Moments of suspicion had passed by Sunny here and there for the past few months, but the past day alone was more than enough to make him worry - not just about if something was upsetting Kel, but also about why Kel didn’t seem to want Sunny to know.

Was it to do with Hero? Kel had just brought him up, but that seemed accidental, and if he wasn’t lying, it sounded like Hero was at least thinking about him. Maybe Sunny had done something himself? That might make sense, but why was Kel not willing to tell him what he did? Was it that bad?

...Maybe it wasn’t the best idea to leave Kel on his own after he brought up a sour topic. Sunny silently sneaked around the countertop to see if Kel was alright, and found Kel absently soaking in whatever television show the two accidentally picked earlier, looking uncomfortably dispirited.

Sunny didn’t want to intrude, but Kel evidently wasn’t going to bring anything up by himself - at least, not intentionally. The washing up can wait.

“Kel.”

“AAH!”

Sunny really should’ve expected a basketball player to be able to jump high, but somehow Kel’s over-the-top reaction surprised Sunny just as much as he’d surprised Kel. Kel put a hand on his heart, as if he were checking if he had a heart attack, and chuckled.

“Don’t sneak up on me like that, Sunny! It’s not funny!” A slight smirk betrayed Kel’s attempt at seriousness, but when Sunny’s frown didn’t falter, Kel’s smile did. “...What’s up? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it...”

Sunny shook his head. “...You can talk to me.”

“Huh?” Perplexed couldn’t begin to describe how Kel looked; it was as if Sunny just told him that Basil had dyed his hair. “What are you talking about? Everything’s A-okay! ...Is Hero bothering you?”

Sunny stared. He wasn’t wrong, but Sunny wasn’t letting him change topic that easily.

“...Sunny, I’m fine. Honestly!” He looked up to Sunny, and gave him the cheesiest grin he could. It looked identical to every other cheesy grin Kel had ever given, and it was hard for Sunny to not feel the slightest pang of guilt at that realisation. He watched as Sunny walked around the sofa and sat down next to him, and when Sunny held his hand, Kel trembled a bit.

Kel didn’t speak up at first - he just tried to shoot Sunny a reassuring glance. That was okay. Sunny was patient, so he gave a small smile in return, and the two sat in silence for a minute.

“...Hey, Sunny.” Kel looked at Sunny again, his face solemn and downcast. “Am... am I a bad boyfriend?”

...Sunny had a slight hunch, but he still wasn’t quite expecting this question. He furrowed his brow, shook his head, then asked his own question back - “What makes you think that?” As Kel formulated his answer, Sunny felt unnerved by the uncharacteristic silence, but he decided that he preferred this over Kel filling the air with distractions to hide how he felt.

“I... I feel like I’m not good enough for you. You’re so wonderful. You always support me, you never forget anything I tell you, you’re like a shining light for me... and I’m not. I should be here for you, but... I’m just burdening you. Again.” Sunny felt almost blindsided; he had no idea where any of this was coming from. He made this known.

“That’s not true. ...You do so much for me.” It was the truth, so why did Kel look pained as he shook his head?

“I don’t do enough. Anybody can do what I do. I’m too stupid to do much right... and what I do right is just making up for all the things I’ve done wrong.” Things Kel has done wrong? Whatever confused emotion just passed over Sunny’s face was caught by Kel, and he responded with his own expression shifting unidentifiably.

“Not just the small things, like never paying you your money back... but the big stuff, too. You... You always used to be taller than me as a kid. As much as I wanted to be taller than you, it felt... right.” Kel’s expression soured even more at whatever thought entered his head. “It’s wrong now. You’re so short and... and that’s my fault. I wasn’t there for you when you needed somebody. I just kept knocking on your door, like a stupid idiot, knowing you weren’t going to answer.”

“I could’ve done anything else. Thrown rocks at your window. Snuck in when the door was unlocked. Just... just something. Anything. But I didn’t. And now you’re... I did that to you.” Tears were welling up in Kel’s eyes, but if he didn’t say as much as he could now, he didn’t know if he ever would. He took a small breath, knowing the next topic was dangerous.

“And when you told the truth... I just walked out. I told myself it was because I wanted to look after Hero, but... but that wasn’t true. You saw me when you dragged me out of the house. I didn’t want to even look at you. And over what? An accident that took away somebody I evidently didn’t love?”

Sunny knew that wasn’t true. Both of them were at the funeral. He knew how Kel wailed, how he struggled to distract himself from the pain as his brother lay motionless in bed, how even to this day he’d occasionally be reminded of Mari, and be lost in a momentary wave of grief.

Even still, a primal part of Sunny wanted to shut Kel up there and then for what he said. Sunny silenced that part of himself as quickly as it rose up.

“I didn’t even look after Hero. He had to look after me. After I shouted at Aubrey for looking out for you, I just copied Hero, and lay in bed all day. And I didn’t talk to him about you, either. I just keep taking. From you, from Hero, from.... from everybody. And I’m not giving anything back to make my presence worthwhile. I’m sorry...” The tears were flowing freely now. “I’m really sorry...”

Sunny knew that there weren’t any words that could fix everything here and now, let alone undo any of Kel’s pain, but he couldn’t help himself from trying to find them anyway as he quickly latched onto Kel, feeling his back slowly dampen as he returned the favour. How long had Kel been feeling like this, and why wasn’t he good enough to have seen the signs earlier?

After a minute, Sunny worked up the strength to say the only thing he felt was right to say. “I hate that you believe any of that.”

Kel sniffled, muttering “I’m sorry...”, to which Sunny responded by tightening his grip.

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for.” Sunny let go of their embrace, took Kel’s hands in his own, and looked into his watery eyes as he searched for his next sentence. “...I’m sorry I don’t do enough to make you feel appreciated. I’m going to fix that.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I want to. ...And I do. Need to.” Sunny’s grip tightened. No matter how hard he gripped, he wasn’t going to have the strength to hurt Kel, but he hoped it hurt all the same to punish Kel for daring to try and stop him. “I don’t want you to feel like that... ever.”

The two held onto each other again, taking in each other’s warmth and the drone of the television to ground and recollect themselves. Soon, the two were strong enough to look each other in the eyes and smile again. Kel’s smile was weak and almost bitter, but it was the most genuine smile Sunny had seen in a long, long time. Sunny’s confidence dropped, however, when Kel seemingly remembered something, and looked at Sunny with a stern seriousness.

“...Sunny, the plug isn’t in the sink, right? I can hear the tap running.”

Wait. ...Fuck.