Thread 86: Stories 31-45

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>29
"MM"
'Zecora'
~~~

>BLAST! SHOOT THE DONKEY IN THE HOOF TAP DANCING SUGAR BOTTOMS RUNNING IN A FIELD OF MEADOWS!

"...Your swearing has become very interesting with the inclusion of the children, I wish you to know."

>These blasted runes are as befuddling as the setting sun on a winters midnight! On what earth would I need to gaze upon sixteen different intricate lines to forge but a single rune of meaning! There are algorithms less complicated, and I would know!

'In working with the dead, complicated measures are to be expected. I feel your anger may be a little misdirected. Your teacher as crass as she is did not make these runes out of spite. She did it because it is the only way to tap into the other sides light. A mathematician does not say two times two means four out of a desire to confuse. He does it because that is the answer, there is no deeper ruse.'

>...Hrmph! It's just... hard.

"Niney? You're literally trying to forge a power out of the souls of lost children to allow them easier access to the other side of existence, I don't quite think 'easy' factored in."

>...

"..."

'...'

>...Thanks for bareing it.

"Awww, Niney! You know we're here for you."

'Of course, we could do nothing else beside. We're here to help thee find your stride.'

>...I wish you could see them. They always say nice things about you two.

"Well... that would be kind of cool..."

'Seeing the souls of the dead? That which brings so many dread?... Hrm...'

"You could always ask Luna if it's possible."

>BAH! That befuddling starry maned viper would rather see me squirm.

"But only for a bit, right?"

>...Hrmm...

"..."

'...'

>...Worth a shot. Even though I'm sure thou only want to watch her lord it over me.

"Cool!"

'Hmm.'

>...Put down the snowball.

"What snowball?"

'We do not know of what your speak. You must be tired, your mind weak.'

>Put it down.

"He does seem to be a little warm, doesn't he?"

'...'

>PUT IT-

*SPLAT!*

>...this... means... WAAARRRR!

'BRING IT!'

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Non-Canon
>Pinkie
"Cadence"
'DT'
~~~~
>Welcome to Not Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during this time that content does matter, but I need to spend some time with my Pinks! Join the Pink Pony Club as we discuss things on our segment...THE PERSPECTIVE!!!
Crowd cheers.

"I'm the pretty one. <3"

'I'm the grumpy one...I guess? Who'd be grumpy on-'

>And I'm the crazy one! So what's the news today?

"I'm spending time with my husband and daughter...plus a lot of guests."

'I'm about to give gifts to my friends. They're going to love it. Oho ho ho ho!'

>I've been spreading cheer with my cheer army and we might see the results of our gift war! ...Hmm, I'm not doing anything big yet, maybe I should visit you two in the waking world.

'...why?'

>Just for that 'what are you doing here' look on your faces before I disappear into the snow.

"You'd have to be white, like Shiny or Celestia though. We tend to lose Shiny a lot in the snow and in a pile of Marchmalley."

>Then maybe I should be dressed as Surprise...it'd be appropriate I guess.

"Who?"

>Don't worry about it. That's all the time we have here, so long everypony!

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>Ya'll wouldn't believe the stuff Ah' had ta' put up with!

"Pfft."

>OH YEAH!? Let's her 'em!

~~~~~~

>...Huh... but did they ever-

~~~~~

"Huh..."

>...

"...I uh... I'm not sure who's worse."

>Yeah, mah' apple tree ain't full of as many fruits who wanna drop and set themselves on fire, but uh...

"...Mine are lacking in those who would ramp a mountain to plant appletrees up there."

>....

"..."

>...Wanna hoof-wrestle?

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'GRANNY WHY!'

>BAH! Ah' could'a taken 'er iffin' the weather wasn't wrong.

'YER HOOF GOT RIPPED OFF!'

>Pfft, Ah've had worse.

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>Pinkie
"Changelings"
~~~

>MUSH! MUSH! HY-YAH! HY-YAH! GETTYUP!

"...Okay, why a sled?"

"What?"

"Why are we carrying this stuff in a sled?"

"What else would we carry her with? There's snow out."

"Carts work in snow."

>WHEEE! GETTYUP!

"And why are we letting her mush us?"

"She paid for us to pull the sled, we're pulling the sled."

"Just feels really demeaning that, like, eight of us are pulling this thing full of presents for guys way more important than us while being mushed like dogs."

>HEY! I'll have you know dogs are awesome!

"...'

>...What?

"See what I mean?"

"Yeah, but... paid."

"...Fair enough, but why's she dressed like the Crimson Spirit?"

>What? It's just a red coat, it's cold.

"Oh, that makes sense."

"...None of us are wearing coats-"

"Will you shut up and mush!"

"......So... so demeaning......."

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NC
>GS
~~~

>That there was Applestalk, he got himself impaled when he tried ta' do a trick with a pitchfork for his youngin'... that there was a sad birthday, Ah'll tell ya'. Then there was old Big Gold, he got drunk and thought he could outrun a bull.... Bull tried ta' warn him and tell him it was a cliff, but he wasn't named "big listener", then there was old Appleseed... he uh... well, he got real 'sick' from some... 'activities'... Yes, that is, in fact, the words "Worth it" on his tombstone, he was real clear 'bout that one.

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"Chitty"
~~~~~

"Oh wow, we do have something in common!"

>...

"...Yeah, we were all pretty surprised it was transmittable too."

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>Primrose
"Brahmos"
'Cordy'
-Red-

"Okay, explain this to me, please."

>This unit is following 'Holiday Cheer' programming by wishing all inhabitants of the castle a Happy Hearthswarming.

"Oh joy."

'Holiday?'

"It's what organic creatures do about every three months so they forget how much they suck."

>This unit observes that holidays are important as a function of maintaining psychological health.

"You could just say I'm right. So are we-"

-Hearthswarming.-

"FUCK! HE'S TALKING AGAIN!"

'Hurray! Welcome back!'

-Gone?-

>This unit has measured it as being nearly a month since you were last active. Aberrant program has been functioning as intended aside from silence.

-Sleeping.-

"We're data, we don't sleep."

>Incorrect-

"Yeah, you go into rest mode but we're still active in here, why does he get to sleep?"

-Hearthswarming.-

"That doesn't answer anything!"

-Hearthswarming. Heh...heh heh heh...-

"What's so funny?"

-Windigos.-

"...I don't get it."

>Windigos are a type of magical spirit that feed on-

"I KNOW that, what's got him all cheery about 'em?"

-Family.-

>"'...'"

"What?"

-...heh heh heh heh.-

'...creepy.'

>Muting aberrant program, continuing on with spreading of Holiday Cheer.

'SPREAD!?'

"Oh no, you just had to say it, didn't you-?"

'SPREEEEAD!'

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Non-Canon
>Pinkie
"Big Mac"
~~~~~
>Welcome to Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during this time that content doesn't matter and I'm back on schedule! Now for our main guest...BIG MAC!!!
Applause

"Eeeyup."

>Do you have a secret desire to become a princess?

"...nope."

>C'mon wouldn't you like a horn to use magic and wings to fly?

"...nope."

>Alright, alright. That's the show for tonight! G'night everypony!
Big Mac wakes up. He looks around for a moment and puts a crown on his head.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hqSM1m3NDR4

"Ima kayoubi desu.
Princess Big Mac korosu.

Naze matta?
Naze osoi?
Big Mac-chan kawaii princessu."

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NC
>Cadence
"SA"
~~~~

She hadn't known exactly what she expected when she walked into that bedroom.

She could smell it, hell, she could practically see it glowing from across the castle, she knew what she would find, but she hadn't known what she expected.

Chrysalis again, perhaps? Maybe he had finally given in to his obvious passion for Celestia, and taken advantage of her 'exception' rule? Or perhaps he had spent the most inopportune time ever to experiment with a stallion, she didn't know. She just didn't know what to expect.

But, no matter what she had expected, it wouldn't have mattered. Nothing would have matched what she saw.

With an "EEP!" and some kind of rushed, incomprehensible words, the partner in the bed with Shining Armor vanished in a sea of ethereal, otherworldly light, and left only a horrified, embarrassed and shamed stallion in its wake.

"Are you cheating on me!?" she cried, more out of a need to confirm than anything else, pointless when she got close enough to see it on him as strongly as she smelled it.

"Cadence, I can explain." He tried to say, but it was far, far too late.

Though she loved him with all her heart.

Though she believed in the sanctity of marriage and the importance of faithfulness to each otehr above all others.

Though she hadn't wished this, it's true.

There was no stopping what came next.

"Gold star!"

Because even she, as staunch and monogamous as she was, would have been utterly furious with him if he hadn't hit that.

When GOD HERSELF comes down for a booty call, you pick up the phone.

That's just a fact.

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 >GS
~~~~~

She had been searching for what felt like days now, weeks perhaps, months if the sun was right. A time spent trekking and wandering and looking and seeking and examining. She had walked more in this event than she had run in every marathon on her life.

It had, simply put, been the most trying thirty minutes or so of her life.

>BUT AH' FOUND YA'!

She had tracked those, er, tracks, to the very source. Until at last she stood before a gigantic mouth of a cave, and she could hear the rustling within to tell her that indeed she had found her prey.

>WELL LOOK WHO AH' FOUND! IFFIN' IT AIN'T THE SLIMEY SIDEWINDER WHO THINKS THEY CAN RUN OVER OLD GRANNY SMITH, EH!? WELL, GIT YER' SORRY HIDE OUT OF THERE AND COME TAKE YER' LICKIN'S! CAUSE GRANNY SMITH DON'T TAKE THIS LYIN' DOWN!... COME ON, COME... on... out?

She heard the buzzing at first.

Then came the rumbling.

Then came the sound of stone cracking.

Then it occurred to her that she might have been a touch hasty.

....Then she saw it, and knew she had been very, very, VERY hasty in choosing this course of action, and she had regrets.

>Uh oh...

Many... many... many regrets.

>HIP DON'T FAIL ME NOW!

CRACK!

>WHAT DID AH' JUST SAY!?

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NC
>Celly
"FM"
' Her dad '
~~~~

>YOU WHAT!?

"Well, I wanted to see what all the fuss was about!"

>How did you even get him to agree to that!?

"I told him it was part of the alicorn transformation ritual for stallions, and it was necessary."

>MOTHER!

"It might be, you don't know."

>IT'S NOT!

"Well, you didn't know that."

>HOW COULD YOU!

"Like I said, I wanted to see what all the fuss was about."

>...And?

"Ohhh, I SAW what all the fuss was about, I felt what all the fuss was about when my hooves curled... I didn't even know hooves could do that!"

>....Wait, how's dad going to take this?

".......hm?"

*BOOM*

"OH CRAP!"

'DIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!'

"NO WAIT! NOT HIM! SHOOT THE BUG THING INSTEAAAAAaaaaaadddd..."

>...Great, now I'm going to have the image of Shiny railing my mom stuck in my head forever...

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>AJ
"AB"
'BM'
[???]
~~

>...Alright, we're lost.

"FINALLY!"

>Well, ya'll didn't help with nothin'! Yer' goin' off every which way weren't exactly helpful!

"Ah' was scoutin' the area!"

>That entails ya' seein' two inches in front'a yer' face, and seein' how many things ya' ran into-

"LIBEL!"

>Ya'll don't even know what that means!

"Ah' know it means PLPLPLPLPLP!"

>Don't you sass me! We gotta find Granny!

'Why dont'cha fly?'

>...

"..."

'...ya' know, fly? With them fancy wings ya' got?... Which Ah' kinda wish Ah' had...'

>...Huh...

"Ya'll forgot!?"

>Ah' don't use 'em that much!

"Ya' came down here with them!"

>Don't be silly, Ah' took a train!

"WHAT!? Why ya' wastin' money when ya'll can FLY!?"

>...Meh.

"UGGHHHH! Just go fly!"

>Why didn't ya' make me do this before!?

'...Didn't think Ah' had to...'

>Ya' know what whatever!... Just gonna go up, up and- Oh there she is! GRANNY! GRAN... uh oh.

"Uh oh?"

[GANG WAY YOUNGIN'S!]

'Uh oh.'

>...DANG IT, GRANNY! HOW!?

[AH' DON'T EVEN KNOW!]

"...So we're not openin' our presents yet-"

>'[NO!]'

"Awww..."

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 >Spike
"Fluttershy"
'Rarity'
~~~~~

>...Okay, so, what are the odds that explosion was unrelated?

"Remote."

>What are the odds we're NOT going to have a big battle?

'Unlikely.'

>...What are the odds it's not going to be awesome?

"..."
'..'

>....That's what I thought.

CLICK!

>LET'S DO THIS!

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>10
{BBB}
~~~~~~

>Heyyyyyy! Happy Hearts Warmiiing! Gotcha a gift! Like it? Pfft, know you like it! It's awesome!... Yep! New lenses! This way we got Infared!... No idea what that means but we got it!

{BZZT! Error!}

>Wha? What's wrong, don't you like it?

{Error, changeling not mentioned in Hearth Warming lore, celebration incompatible!}

>... Oh, yeah. Well, teeeechnically I don't, buuuuuut-

{Error, machines not present either.}

>...oh, yeah. Well, I mean... Just cause machines didn't exist, I guess, doesn't mean-

{ERROR!}

>...

{... This unit did not obtain gift...}

>Awwww, BBB, you didn't have to get me nothing! You... You're the best gift I ever got, a friend that literally came outta the sky to be the best buddy there ever was! You're.... You're best camera pony...

{...Bzzt...}

>...

{... Unit Ten is best reporter changeling.}

>AWWWW! Love you too, big guy! Lets go report on some holiday cheer!

{AFFIRMATIVE!}

He grabbed her, rockets popping up In seconds. An instant later....

>Wheee!

{...wheee!}
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