Legend of the Wandering Autist - Act I

This story is a sequel to Anon Tried to Kill Himself, the first part of which can be found here: https://pastebin.com/SMwuGbvP

https://8ch.net/gtpone/res/2751.html
https://web.archive.org/web/20190803132546/https://8ch.net/gtpone/res/2751.html

ACT I: Anonymous the Human
Part 1: Anon Fucking Hates Sex

>"What do you mean, 'Not this shit again'?"
"Well, I just mean that the last time you tried this it didn't work out very well."
>Sombra would probably agree with you
>except for the fact that he hasn't spoken a complete sentence since Spike trapped him in that crystal
>Twilight does that thing that ponies do
>you know, where they scrunch up their noses and make a little scowl
>"Yeah, well…"
>she looks straight up into your eyes
>"I have a good feeling about Starlight. I think she's a lot like me."
"Except, you know, a supervillain."
>"Ex-supervillain. And she feels really bad about it. Honestly, her guilt over it is probably going to be the biggest obstacle to reaching her."
"Didn't she just move in with you yesterday?"
>"You know what I think, Anon?"
>oh geez
>she's smugging at you
"What?"
>"I think you're jealous."
>just look at that snarky little smirk
"Huh? No, I'm not-"
>are you?
>"Anon."
>Twilight sits up on her haunches and sets a hoof on your chest
>were her eyes always this…
>purple?
>"You hold a very special place among my friends. I couldn't replace you any more than I could replace Spike, or Applejack, or any of my other friends."
"Uh. Thanks."
>you don't realize just how close she's gotten to your face til a fucking furnace wind escapes her mouth and sets your lips on fire
>"Let me prove it to you."
>and just like that, there's a damn horse tongue in your mouth
>you're all frozen up til she breaks it off and smiles at you
"H-hey, what's this all about?
>"I wasn't going to say anything, but since it looks like we both need this…"
>hey hang on hold up you don't need anything here
>"It's my time of the year."
"What does that mean?"
>Twilight purples her horn up
>apparently it means you spend the next five minutes engaging in activities that go well beyond the bounds of friendship
>Twilight does a pretty good job of satisfying herself, and pretty soon she's passed out on your couch
>and you're standing there without any pants on
>what the fuck
"Huh. Looks like I'll never be a wizard now."
>funny how something silly like that can sound so sad

>Twilight doesn't looks like she'll be waking up any time soon
>you need to get outside
>you locate a t-shirt and a pair of shorts
>and you throw on some shoes
>and you get outside
>and you start running
>you're in much better shape than you were a year ago
>you're probably in better shape than you've ever been in your life
>running was something of an acquired taste for you
>but once you got into it, there really wasn't anything else quite like it
>the nice thing about it was how brainless it was
>your only conscious thoughts are for the cool winds of early spring, the muffled thumping of your own footsteps, and the gradually dimming light of late afternoon
>but on some level beneath your consciousness, an idea is forming
>you still don't really get any of these ponies
>and they still don't really get you
>in spite of Twilight's insistence that you really are her close friend
>in spite of you really being close enough to Twilight for her to turn it into some sort of freaky fucking super weapon last year
>in spite of the thing that just happened
>there is a gulf between you and her, and everyone else in Ponyville for that matter
>words make their way into the forefront of your mind when a somewhat raspy voice shouts at you
>"Hey!"
>Rainbow Dash appears in front of you, doing the scrunchy face thing
>you come to hard stop to avoid running into her
>"What do you think you're doing?"
"Huh? Doing? I'm not doing anyt-"
>"You're going for a run without your workout buddy!"
>oh
>right
>you're in the best shape of your life, and it's largely thanks to the blue pony frowning in front of you now
>Dash's scrunch gives way to a grin as she waves her hoof in front of her nose and laughs
>"How long have you been running, Anon? You reek!"
"Uh, not that long, I think."
>"Not that long? But-"
>she takes in a big whiff
>and frowns
>and trots up closer to you
>and sniffs a few more times
>and she beams a gigantic, toothy smile directly into your soul
>"Oh, you've gotta tell me about this."
"What? Tell you about what? There's nothing to te-"
>"Oh, come on! You smell like I did when I was thirteen and figured out that bathrooms could lock."
"That's gross, Rainbow."
>"Yeah, I guess. Anyway, who was it? Was it that green mare who's always hanging around your house?"
>huh?
>is she still stalking you?
"Yeah, I mean no, it wasn't her. Look, I don't wanna talk about it just yet. Maybe I'll tell you about it later."
>"Tell you what 'Non, go home and take a shower, and meet me at Sugarcube Corner right after. This is great, don't be so weird about it."
>fuck
"Sure."
>Rainbow flits off, leaving you to jog home
>if Twilight has tried to be your mentor in her ideology of friendship
>than Dash has tried to be your tutor in her own brand of "coolness"
>"coolness" has to be in quotes here because Dash actually has some pretty extensive theories on the differences between coolness, awesomeness, and radicalness,
>she'd be displeased to hear you use "coolness" as a blanket term for all three
>Twilight is gone by the time you get back home
>leaving her alone was probably some sort of social faux pas
>whatever
>at least she cleaned up all the sticky shit off the couch before she left

Part 2: The Last Cupcake

>Dash is already waiting for you when you get to the pastry shop
>fortunately, it looks like she's had the tact to choose a table tucked away in a corner
>and as an added bonus, there's already what looks like two dozen cupcakes sitting on the table
>hey, fuck spending money
>"Anon! There you are! Eat a cupcake! Have another! I spent a lot of money on these things!"
>Dash watches you obediently consume a couple cupcakes while having a few herself
>then the grins start
>"All right, Anon, I wanna know everything. Who was she? Anypony I know? Was it good?"
>Rainbow pauses for a moment
>"Actually, you know what? Just tell me everything like it's one of your jack-off stories."
"I don't write jack-off stories!"
>"Uh-huh, sure. How old did you get before you lost your virginity?"
"Shit damnit Rainbow Dash, I don't write jack-off stories!"
>"Okay, fine, no story. But at least give me a name."
"Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope!"
>"All right, that's cool, you don't kiss and tell, I can respect that."
>Rainbow Dash thoughtfully inhales another cupcake
>"But at least tell me what it was like. Did you like it?"
"Uh..."
>"Uh-huh..."
"Well..."
>"Well..."
"I didn't like it."
>"What?!"
>your eyes become very interested in the table for some reason
"I didn't like it. It was weird."
>"Weird? What, like, freaky stuff?"
"No, fuck, it was normal, I think. It was just... I didn't like it."
>"So, was it bad? Did you not get off or something?"
>you rapidly destroy three more cupcakes before answering
"I mean, I guess you could say it was bad. Like, yeah, I got off, but wasn't like, you know, strong or anything."
>Rainbow nods sagely
>"Yep. That'll do it. Honestly, I was gonna take you to a hooker when I thought you were ready. You should have waited, 'Non."
"What-no-that's not the issue here! I'm, like, I'm freaking out here, man!"
>"Freaking out? Shoot, I told Pinkie I only wanted vodka in the cupcakes!"
"No, not like dru- Wait. You had the cupcakes spiked?"
>"Just the frosting."
>shit fucking damnit
>this isn't even the first time she's gotten you with this
>you grab another cupcake, lick the frosting off of it, and set it back down
>you can't even taste the alcohol, Pinkie Pie is a fucking master at this
"Thanks, Dash."
>"No problem, buddy."
"I'm not freaking out like drugs or anything like that. I'm freaking out like... existentially or something."
>"Exi-what-now?"
"I don't even know."
>"Like you're afraid you got her pregnant or something?"
"Geez, I didn't even think about that. Can you imagine the headlines if I got Twilight Sparkle pregnant?"
>Rainbow Dash gasps
>"You slept with Twilight?!"
>FUCK
>"And it was bad?!"
"No, I mean yes, I mean, shush shush shush shush shush shush! Keep it down, fuck! Oh, hey, Twilight."
>wait a second
>Twilight Sparkle is standing just off to the side of the table
>she's got a cake in her magic
>a pony you don't recognize behind her
>and a silly little smile on her face
"Oh, um, hey there, Twilight. Have you been standing there very long?"
>Twilight drops the cake on the floor without blinking or moving in any way
>then she slides her deadened gaze upon Rainbow Dash
>"Hey, Rainbow. I was just wondering if you could show Starlight around town a little bit tonight? I have some things I need to take care of."
>without waiting for a response, Twilight telepoofs herself out of Sugarcube Corner
>Dash nods sagely
>"Yep. That'll do it."

Part 3: Ah, So Long Ago and Far Away

>three days of spaced-out solitude are interrupted by a loud banging on your door
>"Mr. 'Nonermous! We need to talk!"
>oh fuck
>it's Applejack
>"Mr. 'Nonermous! I know you know I can bust down this door!"
>fuckcuntering shitdickers
>just hang on a second you fucking apple horse
>in a moment you have the door open
>you clear your disused throat out to warm it up
"Hey there, Applejack. What's up?"
>you're about 99% you already know what's up
>"You need to talk to Twilight."
>yep
>you groan externally
"Why?"
>"Because neither one of you has shown your face outside in days. And I can think of at least two reasons why Twilight really really needs to go outside right now."
"Oh? What's up with her?"
>"Well, first off, her new student is telling me she's having a real hard time finding her way around the castle. It'd be a big help if Twilight could help her find her way around."
"Okay."
>"Also, word on the street is, her brother's wife just had her foal. Twilight's gonna get an invitation to the Crystal Empire any minute now. I don't even think she knows!"
"Oh. Yeah, that's sort of important."
>"Yeah. It is. Come on."
>in a few minutes, Applejack is banging on the door of one ugly castle
>it's Spike who answers it
>"Hey guys. Are you here to see Twilight? Because she hasn't been seeing anyone lately."
>Applejack gives him a grim look
>"She'll see us."
>Spike shrugs
>"If you say so."
>looks like he doesn't know what's going on
>that's good
>you're led up a few flights of stairs before Applejack flings open the door to Twilight's study
>"Twilight! Anon's here to talk to you!"
>you're roughly shoved in through the door
>Applejack slams the door shut, leaving you alone in the room with Twilight
>Twilight looks up from her desk, which is a mess of papers, quills, and inkpots
>"Uh, hi Anon. What did you want to talk about?"
"Twilight, Applejack told me you haven't been outside in three days."
>"What? Has it really been three days?"
>Twilight looks at a long-spent hourglass, and then at a stubby, melted candlestick, and then out the window
>"Gee, I'm sorry if I worried you, Anon. I just got so caught up in writing these friendship lessons for Starlight!"
>she proudly holds some papers up in her magic for you to see
"Oh. So you were just… busy then?"
>Twilight giggles
>"Yeah, I guess so."
"Oh. All right. I thought maybe you were worried about… you know, the other day."
>"The other…? Oh! Oh, that! No. No, don't worry about that, Anon. I was a little embarrassed walking in on you and Rainbow Dash talking, but it's fine now."
"Well, uh, that's good."
>Twilight smiles sheepishly
>"Yeah, I'm sorry, Anon. Like I said, it was my, you know, time of the year, so, uh, don't think about it too hard."
"What exactly is a 'time of the year'?"
>"Hm? Is that not a thing with humanesses?"
"I don't think so, no."
>"Oh, well, basically, It means I couldn't control myself. I'm sorry if I confused you, Anon. I thought I'd be able to handle a quick visit, but, well, you know!"
>she offers another fit of giggles
"Uh, I guess so."
>you reach for the door
>"Uh, listen, Anon. Honestly, I'd appreciate if you could just forget the whole thing. It really didn't mean anything."
"Yeah, no, totally. Forget what? I already forgot it."
>"Thanks, Anon! That's a big weight off my back, really."
"Yup. See you later."
>you slip out the door probably a bit faster than you normally would have
>Applejack is waiting for you
>"Well?"
"She'll be fine. She was just writing lessons for her new student and lost track of the time."
>"Really?"
"Yup."
>Applejack sighs
>"Well that's a relief and a half, Mr. 'Nonermous."
"Yup."
>you say that
>but somehow
>you don't feel relieved at all

Part 4: The Plan

>you're on your way out of the castle when a purple unicorn who isn't Twilight nervously rounds a corner
>"Oh, hi! You must be Anonymous."
"That's me."
>"My name is Starlight Glimmer, I'm the princess's new pupil. I don't suppose you've seen her anywhere, have you?"
"Yeah, I was just talking to her in her study. She told me she lost track of time writing lessons for you."
>"You realize I haven't seen her in three days, right?"
"Trust me, once you get to know her that sort of thing is perfectly believable."
>"Well, that's good, I guess. I mean, I saw her walk in on you and Rainbow Dash talking-"
>oh
>right
>she was following Twilight around that night
"Oh, no, she doesn't care about that."
>"Um, well, that's good. Uh, anyway, I don't suppose you know where the study is exactly?"
"Yeah, it's um…"
>you turn around and see a twisting corridor lined with identical doors
"Uh, I had Applejack take me th-"
>the orange apple pony has disappeared
"I think it's sort of… upstairs… somewhere."
>a piece of paper telepoofs in front of Starlight's face, and she catches it in her magic
>"Oh, never mind about the study. Princess Twilight wants me to meet her in the library for my first lesson now."
"Well, I'll leave you to that then."
>"You don't know where the library is, do you?"
"I can tell you how to get from Spike's room to the breakfast table."
>Starlight sighs
>"Look, Mr. Anonymous, I'm kind of nervous about this whole thing. The princess told me that she took you under her wing before."
"Yeah."
>"So… I was wondering what it was like. How's the instruction, and all that?"
>oh man
"Well… I think you could call what I had more of a test run than an actual 'instruction' or whatever. She definitely never wrote up formal lessons for me, like I just saw her doing for you."
>"Oh… so… you don't know."
"I guess not."
>"Well, thanks anyway, Anonymous. I'm going to try to find the library now."
"Good luck."
>you get a couple paces away from her when you turn around and almost shout
"It's a school of hard knocks, Glimmer. Sometimes hard feelings too. Twilight's gonna make you do a lot of shit you don't want to do. Like, shit- er, stuff, that makes your chest feel all tight and makes your knees feel all wobbly. You won't want to do it, but you'll know she's right, and she'll know you know she's right, and she'll insist until you do it."
>"Oh. That doesn't sound-"
"You gotta go along with what she says. She knows what she's doing. Twilight never turned me into some kind of friendship wizard, but I think she helped me. She'll help you too. Whatever your issue is, it won't go away, but you'll be able to deal with it."
>"Huh. You really think so?"
"Yeah. Probably."

>you're sitting on your front porch, watching the sunset filtered through the nearly-bare branches of a budding tree of some sort
>Applejack had been right
>Twilight did end up getting an invitation to the Crystal Empire
>some sort of crystal pony baptism for her new niece
>she took off in the train this afternoon with her five best friends, her number one assistant, and her new pupil
>you were left behind
>here in Ponyville
>all by yourself
>well that's only natural, of course
>you didn't exactly endear yourself to Twilight's family the last time you went up there
>it'd just be nicer if you'd taken the time to get know some ponies outside of Twilight's circle of friends beforehand
>but you're starting to get a crazy idea
>and this crazy idea is why you're sitting still here, staring at the sky
>Ponyville feels fucking stifling all of the sudden
>but Equestria is a really big place
>what if you just up and left?

Part 5: The Escape

>it's 2 AM
>fear is gone
>with the help of a little drinking anyway
>you're thinking it's about time to do this
>in fact, it's exactly time to do this
>you're already standing outside the castle
>you've decided that you're not embarking on this adventure alone
>in a quiet little town like Ponyville, even the castle is unlocked at night
>you slip on in
>the breakfast table isn't the only place you can get to in this castle
>there's one more room that you visit on a semi-regular basis here
>and it's through this short corridor here
>and just down this stairwell
>the dungeons beneath the castle have one sole occupant
>and fortunately, it's not a zebra named Rapestripe
>in a manner of speaking, the inmate in question is a rock
>or, more accurately, a crystal
"Hey, buddy!"
>Sombra's face rapidly fills the shard and snarls at you
>"GRAARRRRRRRGGHHH!"
"Sshsshhhhshshshshsh! Do you wanna get out of here or not?"
>"Grar?"
"I don't mean out of the crystal, obviously."
>"GRRRRRRAAAAG!"
"Sshshsssshshshhhhshshssh! Ssh! Ssshhh! Look, you can stay quiet and come with me, or you can stare at these dungeon walls for the next thousand years."
>"G-gragh?"
"We're sneaking out of here, tonight, you and me. We're gonna see the world. The princess has no idea."
>"Ger..."
"All right. Shut up and I'll put you in my bag."
>"Grar!"
"Well I can't exactly be seen stealing possibly the most evil artifact in existence from a princess, now can I?"
>"Grrrrr... rar."
"Good. I'll take you out when the coast is clear."
>you stick the evil crystal king into your saddlebag
>well, it was a saddlebag when you bought it
>when you try to wear it like a backpack, it ends up being some sort of double shoulder-pack
>you throw your wierd bag on your back and head
>honestly, you're not sure why you were so worried about being quiet
>Twilight is in the Crystal Empire right now for her niece's ceremony
>the castle will be completely empty once you leave it
>"Anonymous?"

>oh fuck
>it's Starlight Glimmer
"Uh... hey."
>"What are you doing here?"
"Just, you know, picking up some things that I left here."
>"At... two in the morning?"
"Yup."
>fortunately, she shouldn't know her way around the castle well enough to know that you just came up from the dungeons
>"From... the dungeon?"
>fuck shit damn motherfucking cunt nigger bitch whore
"Uh, aren't you in the Crystal Empire right now?"
>that sets something off in her
>you can see her eyes widen and sparkle
>"Oh, no. We came back from that this afternoon. It was great, you were totally right!"
"What was I right about?"
>"About listening to Princess Twilight! I didn't want to go along with it at first but it all worked out really great!"
"Oh. Yeah, good old Twilight usually knows what she's on about."
>"Mhm. The princess wanted me to meet up with an old childhood friend of mine, and now, not only did we totally reconnect, we also saved Equestria!"
"Whoah. You saved Equestria in your very first lesson?"
>she giggles
>"Yeah."
"That's good. You're gonna do really well with Twilight. Uh, anyway, I gotta go now."
>"Where are you going?"
>fuck
>do you tell her?
"Away."
>she cocks her head
>"What do you mean?"
>you sigh
"I mean, away. Like, out of town. I don't know. I just need to go somewhere."
>"Uh..."
"Look. Can you do me a big favor and just... not tell Twilight you saw me?"
>"Why?"
"Geez, Starlight, just... please don't."
>"Anonymous..."
"Okay, look. I'm not doing well here. In Ponyville, I mean. I just need some space. If Twilight catches me before I go, she's gonna talk me out of it, and I'm just gonna keep... keep ''suffocating'' here. I don't know. I might come back, once my head is sorted out."
>"You're not doing well? I don't understand. You said Princess Twilight helped you."
"She did. She saved my life. Thanks to her, I'll probably never try to kill myself ever again."
>"You... what?!"
"Yeah. Like I said, she helped me out. She helped me out a lot. But this whole friendship thing... I still don't get it. I can't handle it. Or maybe I just can't handle it with Twilight Sparkle looming over me, I don't know."
>Starlight tenatively reaches out at you with her hoof
>"Have you tried... talking to Princess Twilight about it?"
"I can't! I just can't."
>"You know, that's how I felt about talking to my old friend earlier today. Or, yesterday, whatever you want to call it. Anyway, it worked for me."
"I don't think it's the same."
>"Because of... what happened the other day?"
>geez
>on Earth, this horse would have found a better calling as a counselor than a dictator
"Yes... no, yes. Yeah. Because of what happened the other day. Among other things."
>"But you said everything was fine, regarding... that."
"No, I said Twilight was fine. That doesn't mean... look, I'm not fine. I'm leaving now. Don't tell Twilight."
>you briskly make your way to the door
>but she calls out
>"Are you sure that's what you really want?"
>you pause, halfway out the door
"Yeah, that's what I want. Look, Starlight, you remind me of Twilight in a lot of ways. I'm sure you've got a bright future with her. Don't waste any time looking for some monster who's off crying in the middle of nowhere."
>"I don't think Princess Twilight would just let a hurt friend run off like this."
"Yeah, well, here's a lesson Princess Twilight will never teach you: sometimes you need to leave your friends alone."

>well
>you begin walking toward the train station
>that's finally over
>thank fuck Twilight didn't wake up
>you just hope Starlight listens to you and doesn't tell Twilight about this
>with any luck, it'll be a good couple days before anyone even notices you're gone
>all you ever did for bits was little odd jobs that six foot bipeds with hands were well-suited to
>lots of dusting up in those hard-to-reach corners
>and popping open pickle jars
>anyway, it's not like you had anything like regular working hours, so there won't be any nasty surprises for anyone in the morning
>unless someone realizes Sombra is gone
>fuck
>why did you think it was a good idea to steal him again?
>it's too late to put him back now of course
>anyway, even if Starlight does tell Twilight about what happened, you still have one ironclad defense against discovery:
>you never told her where you were going
>actually, where are you going?
>fuck, are there even any trains at the station at this time of night?
>geez, you'd feel like such a faggot if you were still in town in the morning after the conversation you just had with Twilight's new star pupil
>the station comes into view
>and thank fuck
>there's one train there
>you can probably make it if you run
>you make it into the station just as a conductor pony with massive sideburns calls out "All aboard!"
>without bothering to check where the train is headed, you jog onboard and take a seat
>you've got a nice, big, empty car to yourself
>perfect
>in a moment an attendant comes by to collect the train fare
>you hand him some bits from your bag
>and you drift off to sleep