I slowly sat up, shaking the fog from my brain while rubbing my temples. I stood up, stretched, and slowly trotted into the nearby bathroom to wash what was inevitably a crust of vomit from my face.
Surprisingly, I felt perfectly fine. Usually after a night of sucking down gatorade bottles refilled with a mixture of Capri-Sun and Goldschlager, I would awaken with a hangover that would make even Mighty Thor Himself cringe in pain. A hellish price to pay, to be sure, but it was worth it to consume the nectar of the gods. Kate thinks it tastes like rotten fruit diarrhea, but lol she's a girl what does she know.
Anyway... I reared up, and leaned over the edge of the sink to carefully fill the basin with water, and then vigorously dunk my head in it like an overly-excited Golden Retriever in the middle of summer. After sufficiently water-boarding myself, I pulled my head out of the bowl and stared myself down in the mirror, watching as the water dripped from my soaked pastel-pink mane... Waitwut?
I shook my head violently until most of the water was now coating the walls, and stared at the reflection in the mirror.
There was an adorable little light-orange pony with a soaking-wet mane staring back at me.
I blinked, and she blinked.
I stuck my tongue out, and so did she.
I punched myself in the face, and she did too. She also screamed out a string of expletives that would make Bob Saget blush.
Oh, wait, that was me WITH MY FUCKING HORRIFYINGLY ADORABLE TEE-FUCKING-HEE VOICE THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING FROM A LITTLE GIRL'S CARTOON.
Still staring at my reflection, my pupils shrank down to pinpricks as I calmly returned to all-fours and trotted back into the main room of what I was now remembering was actually a library, er tree, I mean a tree-brary. Fuck.
I stopped in the middle of the room, took a deep breath, and let it out. Yes. Calm. Rationality. I'm not gonna lose my shit like every other character finding themselves in a bizarre situation.
Wait, no, I lost my dick, this is fucking bullshit, I'm totally gonna flip the fuck out.
"WHERE THE FUCKING FUCK IS MY FUCKING GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING COCK?!?! SHIT FUCK DICK WHERE IS GODDAMN SHIT FUCK MY ASS WHERE DICK GODDAMN IT FUCKING GAMEST-"
Before I could finish my rant inspired by an anger only possible by the fulfillment of Freudian Castration Anxiety, I found myself floating in midair with my mouth, er, snout clamped shut and surrounded with a purple aura like the rest of my body. This aura happened to match that surrounding the horn on that weird-ass purple pony from last night. Ohhhohoho you sneaky bitch, if I still had fingers you would be flipped off so hard that your great-great-great-grandmother's secret donkey lover could feel it.
So there I was, just floating, my veins bulging in impotent rage, staring at this fucking talking purple horse with wings and magic and shit, with a blue horse standing next to her. Oh right, I lost my dick, and Kate got one when she turned into a cartoon horse. Oh and she had three pineapples on her ass. I snuck a look at my own curvaceous ass, which was bedecked by a pair of blue-handled scissors and a bottle of glue, similar to one of the icons from my favorite photo-editing program. Huh.
I felt my feet touch the ground as Twilight lowered me back to the floor, but she didn't release my mouth. Kate just looked at me blankly. Purple Horse looked like she was about to speak.
"So, I think I'm just going to wait for your blood pressure to drop before I release your mouth. I'm glad to see you're awake, though, Kate here actually woke up pretty quickly after you both passed out. She, er, he tells me you were pretty intoxicated, which I suppose explains why you slept clear through to morning."
I just nodded.
Kate opened her mouth, "Yeah, she-," she blushed, probably at the sound of her deeper, more bass-heavy, sexy-what?!- voice, "Twilight here explained everything to me. Good news is, we can go home, so please calm down, Jason."
"Correct," Twilight added, matter-of-factly, "I think I can get you two home, and probably back to your old selves. Only catch is, the type of fluctuation that brought you here only occurs every couple of weeks, so..."
"We're kinda stuck here for a bit."
Fuck. On the plus side, this isn't permanent. I feel the veins in my neck receding a bit, at which point Twilight's lock on my jaw is released.
Kate tried unsuccessfully to stifle a chuckle.
"What's so goddamn funny, Kate?"
"N-nothing, ehheheheh... Just... Your foul mouth with that adorably sweet voice, it's just surreal!"
I just plopped backwards onto my furry orange ass with a huff.
Twilight looked at both of us awkwardly. "AAaaannyywwwayyy... So... You're gonna need a cover story and pseudonyms unless you want everyone being suspicious of you, you know, the annonimii?"
I nodded. "...'Kay."
"It'll be easiest for me to say one of you is a distant cousin of mine," Twilight craned her neck to look at Kate's rear, and then my own, "So it looks like your transformations took care of your cutie marks, what are your special talents?"
Kate shook her head. "Well, I worked for an 'edible arrangements', you know, flower arrangements but with fruit."
"Oooh! That sounds lovely. So... Why don't you take the name 'Pineapple Pop'?"
Kate shrugged. "Whatever."
Twilight turned to me. "What about you? What did you do before all this?"
"Uh, I was the photo editor for my university's newspaper."
"Perfect!" She clapped her front hooves together, "You're 'Quick Collage'."
"Ok. Quick, Pop? I should probably give you a little tour of the town if you're up for it, also I have no breakfast food so I figured we could get some pancakes at the cafe near the market place."
Twilight glowered at me, before turning to Kate, or Pineapple Pop now, I guess. "Pop, you're going to have to help me keep track of her, I can tell you're the level-headed one in this relationship. Just follow me, and simply answer 'good morning' to anyone who greets you."
Pineapple nudged me. "Come on, Quick, let's go, I'm hungry!"
I absent-mindedly followed Pop and Twilight out into the bright morning sunlight. Pop managed to keep composed enough to do as Twilight said and greet the other ponies back. Me? I just kinda stared around wide-eyed like I just caught the ghost of my weird uncle Phil jacking it to a picture of three rats fornicating in a jizz-crusted gym sock. I was shocked and confused, is what I'm trying to say. Adding to that was the ever-so-faint moaning I could hear nearby.
Eventually, as we continued walking, we passed a pair of ponies rutting in plain sight, a veritable puddle of fluids already having formed beneath them, with others passing by and paying them no mind aside from a few friendly greetings.
"Mornin' Thunderlane, Cloud Kicker!" a mint green unicorn said with a wave.
"*squeak*Hiya Lyra! OOOhhh~," the mare managed to moan out.
"*Grunt* Hey LyrrAAAAAHHHHFUCK," the stallion groaned out as a splatter of thick white fluid burst out from the pair's groins.
What. The. Fuck? All I could do was just ogle them mindlessly, my body still cantering along while my head slowly panned to keep my eyes locked on them. I wanted to pipe up and say something, but... Well, have you ever seen something so surreal, that no matter how much of a loud, obnoxious, smart-mouthed asshole you are, you are at a total loss for words? Yeah, well, me neither, until that point anyway.
"That was fucking odd, literally," I muttered, kinda drifting in and out of paying attention to Twilight's nerdy-ass voice, still staring at the happily-dazed couple from earlier, when suddenly I ran smack into Pineapple's ass.
"...And here's what's basically the social center of Ponyville, the town market!" Twilight exclaimed cheerfully.
Oh, right, more ponies. It was a big, open air area with rustic wooden stalls and a few covered tents, all shouting out what wares they were selling. The whole scene was like the town square of whatever cartoony town Belle from Beauty and the Beast lived in. Quaint, kinda comfortable looking in a way, with the pleasantly warm morning sun shining down and the scent of fresh baked goods and recently-picked vegetables filling the air, and actually pretty crowded relative to the size of the town. There must be a lot of residents that live in the surrounding countryside, I figured.
But yeah, the ponies, winged ones, horned ones, and in just about every color imaginable. It'd be kinda cute if it weren't actually part of some fucked up joke of a twist of fate, though out of the corner of my eye, over towards one of the alleys, I could've sworn I could see a mare crouched underneath a stallion. Maybe she was picking something up for him, or checking his horseshoes, they *were* standing right next to the local farrier's booth, but that stallion's looking WAY too enthusiastic about new shoes... Suddenly, my attention was drawn to some of the stallions walking nearby, hauling their purchases on their backs.
Frankly, it was kind of strange how sexual dimorphism worked with these ponies; it was similar to how it worked in humans. It seemed that the average mare had a sort of softer figure, rounder features, and a bit smaller in stature, while the stallions... I barely noticed the shiver down my spine... Their strong, blunt features, squared jaws, they looked like they could easily protect their mares...
Suddenly, an orange hoof lightly connected with my temple. "Hello? Earth to Quick Collage? What's with the dreamy-lip-bitey look all of a sudden?"
I shook my head. "Uhh..."
Fuck, was I just starting to fantasize about the male ponies? The fuck is going on here? I looked at Twilight, hopefully conveying my confusion.
"Are you ok, Quick? Do you want to skip the tour for now and go on for breakfast?"
Shit, words. That warm fuzzy feeling in my head was making it hard to verb nouns and shit, so I just nodded.
"Is that alright with you, Pine?"
"Sure," he nodded. I coulda sworn I could hear his stomach growling.
We turned to head towards the diner, Twilight leading, of course, with me following her and Quick, when suddenly, I felt a huge weight fall on my back. I turned around to see - WHAT THE FUCK?!
A goddamn stallion was on top of me!
Before I could open my mouth to ask him what in the bloody butt-fuck his cream-colored ass thought he was doing, he leaned down and said, "Hey! Haven't seen you around here before! I'm Java Joe," I felt something prod my new female genitalia, "What's your name?"
I felt the head slip in, oh god why did that feel good and why was I already wet?! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuuuuuuck.
I calmed myself, drew in a deep breath, let it out, and drew it in again, before gathering up all of my strength, and screaming "GET YOUR FUCKING DICK OUT OF MY SNATCH YOU GODDAMN PERVERT WHAT THE FUCKING GLORIOUS FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING HOLY SHIT GET OFF ME FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUUU-" all whilst bucking like a goddamn rodeo bronco.
I continued thrashing like an epileptic metalhead at a Slayer concert, until suddenly I'm floating in the air again with Twilight's magic clamp on my muzzle again, with the very confused, very dazed stallion also floating in the air.
Twilight lowered him, with me still magically gagged in mid-air, and quietly spoke to him. "Uhh, look, sorry about that,"
SORRY?! THAT BASTARD TRIES TO RAPE ME AND *WE'RE* SORRY?!
"Quick Collage is my cousin, she and her coltfriend Pineapple Pop here are from, from, uh, the Crystal Empire! Yeah, that's about right."
A look of understanding overtook Joe's troubled expression, as did every other pony in the surrounding area. "Oh. Ohhhhh. I see, goodness I'm so sorry, I forget how old-fashioned the Crystal Ponies are," he looked confused again, "Wait, why doesn't she look all... Crystal-y?"
Twilight shrugged. "The effect wears off when you leave the territory."
"Right," Joe looked up at me, "Terribly sorry, Miss, I didn't mean to startle or offend you. Please stop by my coffee shop sometime if you can forgive me, coffee and dessert on the house for you and your stallion."
Pop just nodded hesitantly. "Yeah........"
Twilight set me down, and gave her best faked smile. "Okay then! Well, Joe, I'm going to take Pop and Quick back to my place, I'll see you around, alright?"
Joe nodded, and went on about his way, his slowly-softening erection dangling freely beneath him.
Speaking of, I couldn't help but notice the similar state that Pineapple's own equipment was in, along with the obvious blush on his face.
A cream-colored mare with a rose-pink mane spotted Pineapple's predicament as she trotted by, licked her lips and went to lean down before being shooed away by Twilight.
"Uhm, er, Rose, not a good time for that," she awkwardly spat out, "I've actually got to get him and his marefriend back to my place, they're not from around here..."
The mare she called Rose looked mildly disappointed, "Awh, well," she looked back up, beaming innocently, "I'm Rose, maybe I'll see you and your S.O. around later during your visit? Nice to meet you!" She finished with a bright, friendly grin, and went on about her business like nothing was out of the ordinary.
Twilight jerked her head to the side, like she was pointing out something. I looked to my left and saw some very, *ahem*, "interested" stallions looking on curiously at my rear. My face was probably redder than the admittedly hefty ballsack of that stallion selling apples on the other side of the courtyard.
Twilight moved closer to me and whispered, "Lower your tail, now."
I looked back. What do you know? It was raised higher than normal. No idea what's up with that...
Twilight lit her horn up again, and in an instant, the three of us found ourselves back in the library.
Having finally released my snout again, I stomped over to Twilight. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ABOUT, HUH?! That guy tries to rape me, and it's all 'oh sorry, see you later'?! What gives? Why didn't we get the police or guards or whatever?" I looked over towards Pop, "And why are you sporting enough wood to build a small A-frame house?!"
Blushing even more intensely, Pop stammered out, "I-I-I don't know?!"
Twilight sighed. "Really it's me who should be sorry. Two reasons. One: walking around with your tail lifted is basically the 'I'm down for coitus' signal,"
I raised an eyebrow. "Are you saying it's MY fault I basically got violated?!"
Her eyes wide, she reared up and waved both forelegs frantically, "Ohhh no no no no no! No! Let me finish. Like I said, you were giving one of the universal signs that you were a willing partner, and the second thing is that I'm guessing sex is a much more private thing in your world than here."
"Wha?" Pop and I droned in unison.
"Well, yeah, here, sex is a really casual thing, it's almost how we greet each other, for the most part."
I raised my hoof.
"What the fuck?"
Twilight giggled awkwardly. "It's really not as complicated as it sounds."
"Really?!" I yelled, "What about unplanned pregnancy? How do relationships and marriages work, then!?"
"Oh! Well, we can only get pregnant during estrus season, which only happens during the spring and summer months, really. And it ended about a month ago, and you don't smell like you're in season, so you won't be having any little surprises any time soon. That's actually how this works with marriages and such, out of season sex with others is no big deal, but in-season sex outside of a relationship is generally viewed as cheating if it's supposed to be a monogamous relationship. A pretty significant number of couples actually keep their relationships open even during breeding season, they usually kinda clump together in a big family. But, like I said, some couples like to stay exclusive during that time, and that's fine too!"
My eye twitched a little bit.
Pop spoke up, almost a little too eagerly, given that Pop Jr. was standing at *full* attention. "So, Twilight," he started, speaking slowly and deliberately like he was trying to curb his enthusiasm, "what you're saying is, it is perfectly normal and acceptable to get it the fuck on in public, anywhere, any time?"
Twilight nodded. "Yes, more or less, I guess."
"Well, then, why didn't I see anyone besides Joe and Pop 'getting it on' in the market?"
Twilight shrugged. "Well, *most* ponies tend to kinda take it out from the middle of the market, it sort of gets in everyone's way. And most of us don't want to step in a puddle of the byproducts. It's about as rude as chewing with your mouth open, I suppose, though."
I shook my head. "You mean neither of you saw that lavender blue pegasus mare getting railed like there's no tomorrow earlier?"
Twilight shrugged, and Pop still looked like 2000 volts had just passed through him.
"I just want to make sure I am reading you loud and clear, Twilight," Pop still had this star-struck look on his face, "I could approach any mare, introduce myself, and lay some pipe? That's what you're telling me here?"
Twilight nodded, unsure of how to handle his reaction.
Pop scooted over closer to me, wearing a shit-eating grin reminiscent of the one worn by SpongeBob SquarePants upon discovering Squidward's newfound penchant for scarfing Krabby Patties.
He was close enough to me that I could feel his throbbing boner poking my ribs. "I think I just found my fetish, Quickie~."
Oh fuck my life.