August 7th 2019

It seems like a lot of these messages either start with an apology, or have one somewhere in the middle. But, theres another apology with this one, anyway.

I’m sorry, for the mini-breakdown I had last time we spoke. I am.. aware, that the way things are, it isn’t something that I could fix, or *could have* fixed.

I can generally accept when things can’t be changed. Gambit match isn’t going our way? Whatever, we’re going to lose and no matter how much I carry my team, I can’t change it. I can usually accept those sort of things, but.. It seems, when it comes to the inevitabilites between us, I have more difficulty accepting it.

I know that you’ve accepted that, and have for a while, most likely, but it’s been harder for me to accept it myself. Part of me still clings to what could have been, what our future could have been like if circumstances weren’t how they are. I’ve accepted that I’ll always cling to it and suffer for it, and that’s okay. You won’t be happy with me saying it, but I feel like I deserve to suffer, for everything I’ve done in my life. I deserve the suffering that comes with this, but.. you don’t. You don’t deserve any of the pain that’s come with this, and it bothers me that you’ve been dealing with it as well.

Thank you, for staying with me for all these years, even if things have been painful. Some day I’ll make sure it was worth it for you, but just being able to talk to you has already made it worth it for me. I’ll make sure the future is better, for the both of us.