kylo hell

tumblr post:
ok but can we discuss chewie being the first one to know about ben being trans……..like over the course of a few weeks/days he starts to notice ben’s really uncomfortable and looks tense and doesn’t seem to be breathing as calmly (or not) as he usually does…..and catching him at a vulnerable moment while he’s fixing his unsafe binding???
chewie obv is upset bc ben’s hurting himself and is uncomfortable but ben isn’t ready to tell anybody and he’s so stressed and upset and angry and he cries bc wtf why do i even have to deal with this this isn’t fair which leads to uncle chewie getting him his first binder bye

bailey:
I'm just imagining Chewie leaving Ben's new binder on the bed because obv Ben was uncomfortable about Chewie knowing

me:
like okay since I'm living in my own headcanons but also need to maximize the trangst what if Ben doesn't know that his Own Father Han Solo who birthed him is trans

bailey:
I was actually thinking that exact thing
like. and then Ben gets Angry because all of that fear and loathing (The power of the Dark Side, he learns later. He can use that.) could have been avoided if Han, his *father*,  had just been honest with him.

me:
and Han thinks it's the best thing for him especially like when he's little and they assume cis
and they obviously coparent with leia and chewie
so it's not like ben is too confused about where he came from
but when Ben finally comes out (and can we Talk About the name thing because he absolutely asked his fathers for help with the name and chose Ben from their lists)
han realizes he made a mistake

b:
and Han Mistakes™ tend to be big ones

me:
classic han! fucking up his kids life forever!
blames himself for everything that ever went wrong with ben

b:
which just drives Han and Ben apart !! because instead of healing Han feels like he's irrevocably fucked up and can never solve his son's dysphoria and no matter what Leia and Chewie tell him Han is just like, better if I steer clear.
and meanwhile all Ben wanted was some goddamn support

me:
that one time ben fell out of the copilot chair of the falcon and busted his eyebrow open
the time ben told luke he hated him
ben's anger, his dysphoria that maybe could have been better if Han had just Said Something
but he keeps messing up
and its finally this child, the achievement he was the most proud of, that breaks and turns to the dark side and drives him and luke and leia apart
and he can trace it back, every tiny crack from every time he failed as a father, culminating in this

b:
and luke is always off somewhere doing Jedi shit so they can't (or won't, Ben thinks bitterly) help either. And then Han and Leia send him off to train with Luke and Luke says that the body is only a tool of the mind and soul and Ben bites back a bitter "then why does my body leave such holes in my spirit"

(I died at this point because that line killed my entire family but I got better)

b:
so like,, when Leia tells Han that Ben needs his father, emphasis on the father.

me:
and Luke tries to mediate ben's pain, his anger, because he knows what it's like from Han (and the other transes in his life, leia is prob trans) (identical twins) and he meditates with him, tries to tell him about the force and life and his body is just a vessel for his true self, what the vessel looks like doesn't matter
but it still burns in Ben and he gets angrier and angrier at Luke and at the Jedi and at the world for making him like this because it still does matter and why can't he just fix it if all things are possible in the force

b:
goddammit I'm just imagining Luke being spiritually burned from Ben's anger and pain while they're meditating together

me:
Luke can feel it and the only thing he wants to do is reach inside Ben and take it away, to let it flow through him because he knows how to deal with this anger but Ben does not

b:
And meanwhile all Ben can feel is this ~serenity~ and he wants it so badly, he's envious, but it's just further proof that no one fucking gets it
and all I can imagine is that snoke is the first one to validate that pain truly, and goes a step further and says that pain will make you strong, boy.

-

b:
Brain: I bet that Kylo doesn't bind in important battles to help that pain and anger
Me: no one asked ur opinion

me:
he doesn't bind or he binds too tight, tight enough to draw blood

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b:
so in killing Han, Ben also killed any chance of reconciliation of those particular trans parent emotions
so that's great

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b:
tbh it's one of the reasons Kylo keeps Hux around. That man has this way of just getting on Kylo's last nerve and flaring his inferiority and making him so angry and upset and he can feel the darkness rising up inside of him.
I mean it's been a close call a couple times, Hux's perfectly gelled hair has been ruffled a few times by Kylo's outbursts getting a little too close, a little too physical

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b:
so
>Kylo definitely wears the mask because he is awkward about his face
>Han tells him to take off the mask, he doesn't need it
>Kylo asks what he thinks he'll see
>"the face of my *son*"
>and Kylo takes it off

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then we have a really long tangent about a headcanon I saw about leia carrying trans kylo who could force sense that her child would be a boy. it involves Luke and leia waving their hands over han's belly and him being pissy.

-

me:
baby ben (who is probably named breha and I die) who just wants to be like their daddy han when they grow up and now he wants anything but
Han is daddy and Luke is dad
playing in the pilots seat of the millennium falcon
I'm imagining baby with long, long messy hair
chops it all off when it starts to hurt too much to keep
grows a padawan braid but that eventually goes too
starts to grow it out again because he always liked it long

b:
see I was thinking more pain-causing with the long hair because I am a trash kid

me:
HMM I feel like it's both honestly
kylo wishes he could have long hair (like anakin lol) without it being a problem
and so sometimes it's empowering but sometimes it hurts
but this baby with long hair that leia braids painstakingly but it always falls out and tangles anyway

b:
they cry the first time they get gum stuck in it and leia has to cut it out but she does a wonderful job of hiding the missing chunk

me:
and for so long it's a battleground because they're a rambunctious kid, wouldn't it be easier to cut it shorter, but NO
and then as they grow into puberty it, like everything, feels wrong and right at the same time but they (not ben yet but not breha, someone in between) have so few things they can control now that they cut it all off

b:
dinner is only a slightly awkward affair that night. someone offers to help clean it up in the back but they shake their head.

me:
and han just gets this sinking feeling and remembers luke and leia waving their hands over his pregnant belly.
he suspects but he says nothing for so long

b:
another mistake, he tells himself.
And when he finally does speak up it's just "is there anything you want to talk about?"
"no."
"...okay."
He should have dug, he knew something was wrong.

me:
Ben thinks he's being mocked.

-

me:
i was like "haha self indulgent give kylo all your problems" and my brain was like "Hey ya ever thought about ed shit" and I don't need my brain rn actually

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this is just a verbatim convo unedited so you can see my thought process

me:
look there's a 100% chance I'm about to go home and draw the ubiquitous naked trans pics of kylo ren which is how you know I'm in too Deep

b:
B) excellent

me:
literally trying to be a normal person while thinking about kylo's boobs?

b:
freckle boob

me:
AWW THE FRECKLE BOOB!!!!

b:
the single freckle boob

me:
just one
no wait I don't need that because I wrote a dragon age fic involving botched medieval top surgery mess
and now I
bye

b:
oh

m:
I'll see myself out

b:
I was thinking about that one really old tumblr post about a single boob floating in the void

me:
and then here I am with the trangst
I've actually written multiple fics involving people trying/succeeding to cut off their own boobs i just realized
wow I need to go

b:
but now I'm just thinking of Kylo slowly cartwheeling through the void of space with a really annoyed expression
where will u go

me:
hell
because I'm thinkin about
(please kill me for this)
I'm thinkin about lightsabers cauterizing wounds and
gonna just Leave That
nooooooo I hate this I don't need to sit here thinking about lightsaber self harm its literally the last thing on my list

-

b:
i've been thinking about hux just casually going up and poking or touching kylo to rile him up and im pretty sure that hair and chest are pretty common places for uninvited prodding

me:
my fucking god that's like this weird combo of cute and terrible

b:
kylo has not come out to hux and is very confused and annoyed because why tf does he know where exactly to touch to set off kylo
hux snaps his binder one time. kylo does not like that one bit.

me:
oh NO

b:
do u think when he is fighting rey that kylo is ever freaked out by how much she kinda looks like him and his younger self, with the dark hair and the fear on her face

me:
that moment when he looks at her and says you need a teacher and part of him is trying to bring her to be his ally but part of him looks at her and sees himself and wants to help her the only way he knows how