I'm not good at ranting, I never am that great at expressing my emotions. I don't want to bother people with them. But I'm not sure where to turn. But for the past few years I've been in so much pain. I had it all, therapy, medication, help with depression through therapy. But I'm so numb that any emotion I really feel feels overwhelming, as if I'm trying to savour the feel of feeling it. Whether it's laughing or crying, It's been overwhelming and I feel like I am forcefully trying to prolong it.
I've been suicidal before, but it's gotten to a point where it's just an up and down switch on whether I feel as such. But it hurts so bad, everything I do is for progression. But I don't think I've ever progressed, I've been told it's okay to cry. But whenever I do I get shunned for it. There's a few I can cry to, but I don't want to bother them with my shit. They have their own things to worry about, but my life hasn't felt like living. More like moving on and surviving another issue to the next. I saw a picture of my youngest sister with my mother today and it did nothing. Normally I at least feel a bang of pain or emotional hurt, But for the first time in years I felt completely indifferent and even had trouble recognizing them. Everything positive I've tried to prolong but I accidentally push people away, I truly care about people but I have so much issues actually showing it that I am just distant even if I truly care. Like I lost the ability to really connect to people.
I sometimes feel like I never lived for myself, but for others. And when others disappear, so does my reason to live. It's been a while since I truly cried. But the past two weeks I cried, twice. One I'm currently still dealing with.
I've been told before to contact suicidal hotlines or something of the support but I always feel terrible for giving people my rant, even like this I'm uncomfortable. And I just don't know if I can even gather my thoughts and feelings to a conclusion aside from help.
I've been retreating to a shell I haven't been in a while, I feel like I've been losing my voice again. The last time I had that I was 12. As if I'm once again losing the desire to use my literal voice. It's scary yet I'm somehow accepting it.
On one hand there's all these thoughts and emotions brewing inside of me. Yet none truly hurt me somehow, as if I'm purposefully being numb to them while not really.
And with what happened with Reagan, I'm overly laughing it off. But it was a big reason of moving forward and just existing.
I think the thing that scares me the most is my own feelings, for I don't think I want to feel them.
But at the same time.
Everything I've tried in my life so far was for someone else, even if I thought I did it for myself. I always had some reason in regards to someone else for it.