therapist says what can i introduce that's new - for examples, things such as starting to play piano, talking to ppl in walmart, etc

---2
mindfulness  - mint
focus on what's present (me lying in bed) when falling asleep - i will certainly fail the first time as it requires practice apparently

do something productive within first few hours of waking up (2 hours i say)





---NEXT APPT
12:30 tues

there's a receptionist that's a bit cute btw
pale skin and very red hands, seemed to have fake red hair







---THINGS I MUST TELL HIM




===OUTBACK (SUPER IMPORTANT BECAUSE DEPRESSION WAS BASICALLY GONE)===

this is SUPER fucking important cunt because it encompasses everything
my mothers birthday was four days ago, yesterday my grandmother and uncle wanted to take her to dinner in albany which i tagged along for alongside rihanna for some reason

mother and i went to justins house after getting blu/riley to drop off riley and get gerald/rihanna (of note is that i felt significantly stressed, trapped, and demoralized on the way to blus house)
i saw a new dog that nobody told me about that justin obtained after the obese guy died
i saw rich and his powerstroke dually f350 who asked me if i remembered him and noted that i big now

i let gerald drive and i felt totally different the entire time, actually not really depressed at all
that is to say, no symptoms of depression were present at all
and fully vulnerable to positive emotions and also negative emotions but not to the depressed extent (!!!!)
a revelation
in the car going both ways, many topics were brought up including politics
it CANNOT be understated that CLEARED DEPRESSION =/= FEELING THE EUPHORIA I THINK I'D FEEL, IT'S SIMPLE BEING ABLE TO FULLY ENJOY POSITIVE EMOTIONS
non-depression isn't constantly feeling that euphoria, as you should know
it's being able to feel that euphoria

keeping up with this mood, when blu wanted to enter trader joes which had literally hundreds of people stuffed into a small store, i saw seemingly infinite female specimens
a fuckton were english, which naturally brought me back to meghan (i don't know how badly this line will age)
(i mean, imagine meghan even at jacksons birthday party prior - she'd blatantly be the hottest girl present which has always been desired by me as an ego stroke, people would be like "o shit that's his gf DAMN")

now, i need to say that i feel positive about everything that i normally ruminate about
politics (gerald casually talking about shooting democrats for wanting to take his guns after letting criminals go free for free on bail), zoomers, females, attractive females, life, etc.
i feel legitimately energized as a male with gerald in regards to street racing, which was frequently discussed on the trip with him racing guys in both kia in sport mode and 5.3l dodge caravan while rihanna was present
it's easy to imagine me street racing on the highway then going back to justins to discuss my victory, which is tribalistic

rihanna completely calmed my thoughts on zoomers, even while seeing attractive females (both at outback, a.k.a. the english counter girl and at trader joes which as mentioned previously had hundreds of people)
ok boomer was mentioned, rihanna also mentioned dealing with bullshit in school (she's underage and has no control over anything, blu also yelled at her towards the end for no reason)
this may partially be due to having no one even remotely near my age present anywhere ever, and if they are they're strangers (meanwhile i forget about tweak and literally everybody else there)
this leads to me falsely idealizing shit which must stop because that's now and forever in the most literal sense

```this is why i want a relationship with a girl
go back to the third paragraph where i was not depressed
had a girl been present, i ABSOLUTELY would have fully felt her present - i felt rihanna present despite her not being an option for reasons that go into the triple digits
indeed, i wanted any of the girls i'm looking at to have been with me in a girlfriend role because, at the time, i felt it would make things even better
indeed, when an attractive girl that reminded me of red creep at outback passed me close by i felt it, and when she looked at me i felt it
especially due to the massage literally the day prior, where as i documented i was able to theorize female contact again
you must remember how much joann turned me on when she came out barefoot, this plus with the above sentence = ability to process it properly
attractive uk girls are everywhere, it's easy to see after exposure and statistically objectively correct

then we need to get into actually getting a girls number
if i was in the position to do so right now, i would be absolutely motivated by the dinner scenario not just because of no depression but because of the tribalistic mentality seen present with family member
(this has no relevance to gabe, only me)

then we get into gray albany (C:\Users\Halagini\Desktop\text\room\other\volkswagen golf white.jpg) + asmr ginger + through fire/all that remains
lose weight, get gf





===OUTBACK (SUPER IMPORTANT BECAUSE DEPRESSION WAS BASICALLY GONE)===








-I NEED TO TELL HIM ABOUT SIGNIFICANT MOOD BOOST
one time after getting a major mood boost i documented what i felt compared to depression
i did this in 10+ similar scenarios

-the concept of having a relationship of anyone, sexual/friendly that has any emotional origins is foreign to me after so much isolation

-after seeing hasan, i was vulnerable to positivity

-i used to be so confident and excellent mentally but now i can't even remember that stage or its benefits, i need to return to this

-i feel much less emotion and less close to my environment after moving which i am trying to rectify by making it not look like shit which i've never done before but this isn't working out

-i don't feel like it's the same life since i was 5, and any time i have a modern adult positive (something that i could not experience prior to being depressed) combined with being able to feel my childhood it feels right