Ten Years Chasing A Dream (ch6)

EARLY RELEASE FOR ALL MY PATRONS!!

Maya's tunnel vision on her goals has already proven fatal once, and now she doesn't realize the same thing is happening...

Disclaimer: I do not own Shoujo Kageki Revue Starlight.

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						Chapter 6. Conflicted Feelings

It's Friday evening after a long week. There had been two revues earlier in the week, both of which Maya had fought in and won, though thankfully neither had been against Claudine this time.

She's grateful that everyone remains very close friends in spite of the fights.

They've all been working hard in their classes and lessons for an upcoming play, so Maya and Claudine had stayed particularly late in the studio as per usual to train this evening. Once they've finished their practice, both girls are sweaty and breathless, so Maya fetches Claudine her towel and water. Claudine narrows her eyes, but accepts.

"I can get them myself, you know."

"Of course."

Maya is quiet for a moment, watching her drink and clean her face off before Claudine catches her.

"Quit gawking and go drink some water before you keel over, you infuriating woman."

Maya dips her head and goes to retrieve her own things. They pack up the CD player they'd used and put their things away into their bags.

Before they end any session, Maya always likes to pull Claudine into a waltz. But tonight as she turns back to seek her, she realizes Claudine has already taken her leave to the locker room. Maya frowns just a little, but gathers her bag and follows.

Claudine finishes changing quickly and excuses herself to wait in the hallway. Maya changes as swiftly as she can so she may join her and begin their walk back to Starlight Hall.

As they step outside into the evening, it's already dark enough that the street lights have come on. Even in the daytime, Maya has gotten into the habit of taking Claudine's hand whenever she can, but at nighttime she likes to bring her even closer. Maya wraps an arm around the small of her back, keeping Claudine brushed up against her side. Claudine says nothing, though she doesn't pull away, either.

As they walk, Maya leads the conversation for the most part, discussing their play and their lessons, though ultimately she just ends up praising Claudine's dancing or acting. Claudine does her best to huff and puff, but she really can't do much in terms of retaliation when all Maya does is say sweet things to her.

By the time they make it back to the dorms, Claudine's face has become almost permanently pink.

"Let's go shower," she mutters. "I need to cool down."

Maya walks with her to their dorm rooms so they can fetch their nightgowns, then walks back to the communal baths with her.

They shower as per usual, though Maya notices Claudine doesn't sing to herself like she normally does. She just hums a bit and that's all.

They soon dry off and change into their sleepwear. Claudine seats herself on a cushioned stool in the changing room and begins drying her hair. Maya does the same for herself before brushing through it. And like always, she offers to brush Claudine's for her, too.

"Claudine? Would you like for me to assist you with your hair?"

Claudine continues looking at her own reflection in the mirror as she turns off the hair dryer.

"Sure."

Maya takes Claudine's brush and happily stands behind her. She's been doing this for weeks now, tending to Claudine's hair after their showers, and Maya also holds plenty of prior knowledge from her past experiences. She knows every curl of Claudine's beautiful locks by heart, and knows exactly how to tend to them without tugging.

She starts at the bottom, pressing her left hand gently over the majority of Claudine's hair over her back so she can brush the ends first before gradually working her way up. She lets the brush follow the waves of her hair, and whenever she meets a slight resistance she eases through it until it's smooth.

Claudine sits quietly as Maya continues her work. Before long, Maya simply has to sing her more praises.

"Claudine, have I ever told you how lovely your hair is?"

Claudine exhales slowly.

"You've mentioned it once or twice…"

"I truly do mean it," Maya hums, brushing up a bit higher to the top of her head. "And it isn't just your hair that's lovely, but all of you." Maya leans forward a little and curls her arm across Claudine's collar, gently resting her chin on top of her head with a contented sigh. She draws in a breath of her scent, fresh and pleasant after the shower.

But only seconds later, Claudine wriggles her way free and stands up.

"That's enough," she mutters, then struts for the hallway. Maya puts down the brush and follows her.

They go back to the lounge they typically share with everyone, though they find they are the only two here tonight. Claudine turns on the television as she takes her usual seat on the couch. Maya goes to the kitchen area to fetch them some water and brings it back to place on the coffee table nearby. Claudine mumbles a "merci" as Maya takes her seat right beside her.

"What are we watching?"

"Just whatever's on."

Maya doesn't mind the vague response, as her attention isn't on the TV anyway. With the couch angled perpendicular to the screen, Maya is seated with Claudine in front of her while Claudine faces forward to watch.

This is one of the few times they've been alone together on such a cozy evening, as they still sleep in separate rooms as of now.

But Maya uses her prior knowledge to her advantage. She knows from experience exactly what sort of thing helps Claudine relax. She hadn't done this for her in what felt to Maya like half a decade or more.

Very softly, Maya reaches out to gently run her fingers through Claudine's hair, just barely letting her nails graze her nightgown and back. Right away, Claudine stiffens and makes a soft sound, but she doesn't say anything nor turn around to face her.

So Maya continues, using one hand to fluff the thickness of Claudine's hair at the nape of her neck, and the other to run slow, soothing patterns down her back. She does this wordlessly for a few moments as the TV becomes unimportant to them both.

Maya feels the exact moment when Claudine's posture slouches, so she opens her arms and leans forward to catch her as she falls asleep on the spot.

Mays wreathes both arms around Claudine, one across her collar and the other across her stomach, pulling her into a light embrace from behind. She rests her head on Claudine's shoulder and holds her like this for a long time.

Once again, she simply can't help herself. Even now, she still has nightmares of the memories, of getting that call, of feeling that doubt turn into dread, of that crushing, devastating realization that Claudine was gone and never coming back to her.

Maya weeps quietly as the guilt and blame and anguish flood through her full-force as if she were losing her all over again. She squeezes her a bit tighter, holding one hand over Claudine's ribs and the other at the center of her chest. She needs to feel her breathing, needs to feel her heartbeat. She needs to know she's alive, and that the failed past never truly happened in any regard except for in her own mind.

She tries to keep it all in, but eventually Maya lets out a sob.

"Oh… Claudine…" She buries her face into the side of Claudine's neck. "Please don't go… please don't leave me again… I love you so much… More than anything…"

And perhaps she'd become too lost in her emotions, so much so that she didn't realize she was holding her a bit too tightly, enough that it rouses Claudine now. Maya gasps the moment she feels her moving and quickly tries to wipe away her tears.

But Claudine has already turned around to face her, and her eyes are stern.

Maya tries to say something, anything. But no words come, only more tears.

Claudine scrutinizes her, noting the position Maya's arms are in around her, and the genuine sadness in her eyes. And at last, Claudine gets to her feet, taking Maya's hands and pulling her up as well.

"Come on," she murmurs. "We need to talk."

Maya isn't sure what that means. But Claudine's grip on her hand as she leads her out of the lounge is firm, enough that Maya understands this has become quite the serious matter.

She doesn't breathe a word as she follows Claudine to her dorm room. Maya hasn't seen it in what feels like over ten years, but the moment Claudine brings her inside, it's as though she'd just seen this room yesterday.

Claudine closes the door behind them, then leads Maya over to the bed. She sits down and pulls Maya with her, putting a bit of distance between them, but still keeping hold of her hand. Maya's tears continue to fall, as there's clearly no use in trying to hide them now.

For a moment, Claudine appears to be composing herself, but eventually she speaks again.

"Listen…" She lifts her gaze, and her eyes search Maya's, only Maya isn't sure what she's looking for. Claudine continues. "I'm not an idiot. I've figured it out by now how you feel about me, Tendo Maya. And I don't just mean as rivals or whatever, or even just as dance partners."

Her grip on Maya's hand loosens just a little, and Maya understands Claudine is giving her the option to pull away. Maya doesn't budge, but more tears fall. Claudine lifts her other hand to brush a few of them away as she continues.

"I know you like me, all right? I get it. I really do. And I… honestly, I really couldn't be sure at first how I felt about you. But even when you were so annoying and arrogant and unbearable… some part of me just couldn't stay away from you. And now recently, you've started looking at me like that… You've started touching me more and saying such kind things… And I appreciate it. I really do. I like you too, Maya-"

And Maya is so awestruck by hearing her say those words that she nearly forgets how to breathe. But when Claudine goes on, she looks away from Maya's eyes.

"I like you too… but… all of this is just… a bit much…"

Maya's heart, which had been slowly lifting, suddenly plummets and crashes down. She tries to swallow, but it gets lodged in her throat, and she can't say anything. She shakes her head, trying to find Claudine's eyes and communicate with her, but Claudine continues staring down at the bed between them.

"I don't know how else to say it. It's just… it's a lot, and it feels like it's coming out of nowhere all of a sudden…" Her fingers tremble as they glide over the back of Maya's hand, and then eventually withdraw.

Maya is left in the heavy silence that follows. And she realizes what she'd done.

For all her desire and efforts to not make any mistakes this time… that's exactly what she'd done. She'd made a terrible mistake.

Because Maya had lived for twenty-eight years before, and she had loved and lived with Claudine for nearly half of them. All of those feelings - all of that love for her - had come with Maya into this new life. And she's been pouring it all out to Claudine.

Maya has been expressing over a decade's worth of love and affection to a Claudine who had only known her for about a year. Maya had been treating her like the mature, confident girlfriend and lover she'd once been - not the puzzled, delicate high-school girl she is now.

It was no wonder Claudine was feeling so conflictingly overwhelmed by Maya's strong affections, and all of her touching and romantic speeches. In trying to ensure Claudine would love her, Maya had given Claudine all of her love at once. And the result was that it had been too much for Claudine to handle or comprehend. Rather than become closer to Claudine, Maya had only succeeded in scaring her farther away.

It all hits her at once, and she feels as though she might be physically sick.

"Cl- …Saijou-san…" She rasps her name, begging to see her eyes again.

It takes a moment, but eventually Claudine looks back up at her.

Maya wants nothing more than to reach out and hold her and kiss her to apologize. But again, she realizes that is something she would have done with Claudine as her girlfriend of several years, not as a classmate who had only just started getting close to her.

So Maya refrains, holding back even though it's killing her, but she won't risk making Claudine any more uncomfortable than she already has.

Maya had wanted to look into her eyes, but when she finally does she's swept away by too much guilt to hold her gaze. Maya drops her head, and more tears drip down into her lap.

"I'm sorry… Truly, I am…"

"That's all right-" Claudine replies a bit hastily. "I didn't mean to make you think I wasn't interested anymore. This doesn't have to be over. I'm not asking you to stop. Just maybe… slow down a bit. I just need a little time, that's all."

Her words flood Maya with relief, but the sting of her guilt is still boiling in her bloodstream. Maya nods quickly.

"I will… I'm sorry-"

"Don't be." Claudine reaches out to touch her hand once more, until Maya understands she wants her to look at her. Claudine presents her with a small, honest smile. "I like you, Maya. I do. I just… don't think I'm capable of returning those feelings to the extent you want me to. Not yet, anyway."

"Of course-" Maya blurts, then lowers her voice again. "Of course. I'm so sorry, Saijou-san."

"I accept your apology. And I'm sorry, too. For not being on the same level as you yet, at least in terms of those feelings."

"Not at all," Maya croaks. "You've nothing at all to apologize for."

Claudine nods, then lets go of her hand.

"I'm glad you understand. You should go get some rest, now."

"Yes." Maya stands right away, and the moment the urge to hug her surfaces, Maya beats it away. Instead, she cranes forward into a bow. "I apologize, Saijou-san. I never meant to overwhelm you like that. Thank you for telling me your honest feelings."

"Lift your head, Tendo Maya. You're fine. Go get some sleep."

When Maya does eventually look back at her, Claudine is still smiling. Maya wipes her face and does her best to reflect that smile.

She then turns and hurries out the door, across the hall, and into her own room.

She barely makes it to the bed before collapsing, her whole body wracked with sobs. Some are of shame, and others of relief. Because, in spite of Maya's thoughtlessness, Claudine had still given her another chance. Claudine still liked her - she just didn't love her. And now Maya understands that's exactly how it should be in this stage of their lives.

She's far too lucky that Claudine had spoken to her honestly about this. She should have just run away and told Maya never to speak to her again, for how overbearing Maya had been to her.

But she hadn't. The girl who would one day hopefully become her Saijou Claudine had expressed herself clearly, in a way that even someone as hard-headed and tunnel-visioned as Maya could understand.

Maya hadn't lost her again. She absolutely could have, in a different sense, but she hadn't. Claudine had made her realize her mistake. Claudine had saved her.

"I love you…" Maya whispers into her pillow. "I love you so much…"

She can't tell this to her. Not yet. She needs to keep her distance a bit and give Claudine room to breathe and feel her emotions on her own time.

Maya won't make any more mistakes. She won't risk losing her again.

Tonight, she lets her emotions overflow, and pours everything out into the fabric of her pillow.

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And so in the days that follow, Maya is consciously mindful of herself.

She once again addresses Claudine only by her last name or her full name, as their current relationship calls for. She doesn't hold her hand in the hallways anymore, or do extra dances with her in their lessons anymore. She doesn't playfully offer to feed her her lunch, or sit too close to her in the lounge, or offer to brush her hair for her in the baths anymore.

Not to say that she completely removes herself, however. Maya continues stretching with Claudine, dancing with her, staying late in the studio to train with her. She still walks back with her in the evenings and harmonizes with her in the shower. She still fights with her seriously in their revues and continues moving higher and higher with Claudine close behind her.

It's just that now, when they are sitting with their friends in the lounge, Maya doesn't just go and bring Claudine her book when she realizes Claudine might want it. But rather, she asks Claudine if that's something she might be interested in, and offers to bring it to her, or she waits until Claudine asks her for it herself. Things of that nature.

Maya does not go out of her way to push herself into Claudine's line of sight; she knows Claudine will look at her on her own time, when she is ready.

Hikari soon transfers in, and the chaos of their revues puts stress on all nine of them. Only Maya knows how and when it will end. Only she knows what even Nana doesn't.

Maya and Claudine face off against Karen and Hikari in their duet revue and are defeated. Only then, when Claudine is at her lowest point, does Maya offer such sweet and romantic gestures. And she is delighted when Claudine accepts her hand.

But immediately afterward, when Hikari suddenly vanishes, the months that follow prove difficult for Karen and all the rest of them.

During those months, Maya continues keeping her fair distance from Claudine. She knows that Hikari will be found and rescued by Karen soon, but she can't mention it. She must live in the same sadness and sorrow as the rest of her friends.

The smallest solace is that, within those difficult months, something finally starts to change in hers and Claudine's relationship.

In the hardships of Hikari's disappearance and the disillusionment of what the revues had truly done to them as Stage Girls, Claudine eventually seeks Maya out for comfort.

Truth be told, she had started missing Maya's attention since the day Maya had taken a step back. Even though Claudine herself had told Maya to slow down, she'd ended up wanting Maya to say something sweet, or to hold her hand again.

Now that Claudine knew of the extent of Maya's feelings…

Now that she had asked her to back off a little, and Maya had so readily honored that request…

Now, Claudine is the one to reach out.

It first happens on the day when Karen bursts into tears in front of their entire class, unable to act or perform due to her grief at having lost Hikari. It's a tense, painful day for all of them, and everyone is miserable. After Nana and the others had brought Karen to get some supper, Maya makes the quiet offer to Claudine to head to the showers, and Claudine accepts.

Maya leads the way with a heavy heart, wishing she could come out and tell Karen and everyone else where Hikari was and that she'd be safely back with them soon. In just a few more weeks Karen will realize it and go rescue her. But Maya can't let on that she knows, no matter how upset her friends might be.

Once again, she's lost in thought as she walks with Claudine to the restrooms. It's when they enter the changing room to find themselves alone when Maya feels a tug on the back of her sleeve. She turns, but before she can even inquire, Claudine has wrapped both arms around her and buried her face into Maya's shoulder without a sound.

It's the first time Claudine had reached out to her first. But Maya understands it's for comfort, and nothing more. So she embraces her and doesn't say a thing.

After that, Claudine comes to her more and more, and Maya accepts her with open arms every time.

And finally, the torment ends with the arrival of the day that Karen brings Hikari back to them. The nine girls celebrate with a hearty meal, all while everyone hugs each other and cries and smiles.

Once they have progressed past Nana's time loops and gotten Hikari back, they can finally start to enjoy the rest of their second year of high school.

Little by little, Claudine begins to come to Maya, no longer just for comfort, but because she wants to.

When Maya answers a particularly difficult question in their lectures, Claudine puffs out her chest and says, "That's Tendo Maya for you."

When they're walking in the hallways or on their way to school, Claudine sometimes slips her hand into Maya's.

After their long practices in the evenings, Claudine is the one to offer a waltz.

After their showers at night, Claudine asks Maya if she would like her hair brushed.

And Maya is so unspeakably overjoyed that every time she can only blush and nod in response. Her heart soars, and she feels as though she is shining at every second.

Once Claudine begins making a few moves, Maya reciprocates, until they are the same flirtatious pair of rivals everyone knew them to be.

For every compliment Maya gives her, Claudine shoots one back. For every admiring gaze Claudine sends her way, Maya gives back one of adoration. Sometimes they even argue about who was first to grab the other's hand in the hallway.

They've finally found their equal ground, with neither pushing or pulling too hard, or giving or taking more than the other could handle.

They land several lead roles in various plays together and astound audiences across town.

And by then, the whole of Seishou's student body has started making assumptions about their relationship.

Maya has successfully put her adult mindset behind her, or rather accepted it into her current life and consciousness in a much healthier way.

And as such, Claudine falls in love with Maya on her own terms, just as it should be.

Though, Maya doesn't know that for certain just yet…

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A/N: It really hurts to imagine the absolute dismay, guilt, and fear Maya must have experienced in this situation. All she ever did was love Claudine (to a fault) and even in trying to redo things and make it right, she still ends up being blinded by her affections to the point where she's making Claudine uncomfortable. Maya barely ever knew how affection worked to begin with, let alone romantic affection.

But... is there hope after all...?