idk

-Personality-
- I don’t know if its just me, but it seems that my personality doesn’t click with my thoughts, I tend to have a sort of quiet, monotone, and repetitive voice, yet my thoughts through the words I decide to use and I decide to type, such as showing the happy face, or even having a much better conversation than speaking, I don’t hate talking, in fact I love it, I even love singing but I just am terrible at talking or sparking up a conversation and it can end up in terrible awkward silence. I always try to prevent this by just trying to ask simple questions but it even feels like I worsen it, I always wish to be part of the crowd sometimes, especially being isolated in the albw community for so long, and only on some occasions having a fun group and just talk for a few hours is so relaxing, now I don’t really care since I’m used to being alone all the time, and my mind kinda just speaks for itself so I have no issue, but at times I wish I had made connections earlier, and friended them earlier, would have been better for me and socialize. Sometimes I think I have endless thoughts, but when I talk to someone it all just goes away, especially when I started streaming, but obviously it created more experiences that I can even hold, and making friends who have completely different personalities and are so interesting. As for me, I don’t want to change since I enjoy the person I am right now, and that’s one of the greatest benifits of life, accepting who you are, what you are and what you believe in, I learned this the hard way, I was trying to be someone I was not in high school, and it definitely had a mental impact on me and led me to twitch which I guess I would be grateful overall, and I was never ment to be a mean person, of course my sarcastic nature kind of carried on, and I wish I can take it away, but it’s stuck with me so whatever, and my happiness is luckly enough there, only because I’m doing good in school, my internet life is bad, and I’m doing well overall, I guess just fixing my diet would be a thing since I kinda wanna keep my weight loss going. I have also taken an interest in trying out different things, finding out peoples thoughts, and its nothing really except for just interest, and maybe some feedback, which of course is nice. I do want to become someone who can be liked, and truth be told, I do think a lot of people know me, either for good or bad, and like me or not, its pretty rad, I never had recognition, which for my own sakes isn’t really what I wanted, and I personally enjoy having more specific friends rather than a “fan base” which is in my own personal preference, but its always been that way, and no matter how much of a following I have I always will enjoy doing what I do to make some friends and watch video games, I never treat anyone differently just because they have more or less followers than me or a higher intelligence or anything really. I like the stuff I do, and even the game I play, even if I can only do one thing, I wish I can be more entertaining, especially since I do aspire to be a teacher or professor, and not being boring definitely helps. At night, I do tend to have some thoughts or recollections of what I could have done different, what if I did decide to continue being a pro league of legends player, what if I did decide to not speedrun, or not choose a link between worlds, what if I didn’t go to college, what if I actually died in that accident or the roof did fully collapse and killed my at the ToysRUs, I have been grateful since those days and I still am, and of course I always try not to be greedy or selfish, or even braggy. Those sort of sins for me are coming out day by day, and I can’t really stop, but its sort of a reoccurring thing, I never learn from my mistakes until it’s too late to notice, and I mean I’m not harming anyone, or maybe just no one has noticed the stuff I said or say about people, cause in reality they are just opinions, and they shouldn’t be taken seriously as they are mine. I do want to be less self centered however, all I do is talk about myself, or just it seems like it, I hate using the word I, since its all I ever use, even now I used I more times than normal even though its my blog or whatever. I just want to stop having these different thoughts and creating dissonance between what it seems two different halfs of me, one that is telling me, yeah brag, do what you want and what is best for you and you only, dont care about these people! And the other half is trying to be more kind and gentle toward others, and it sort of switches day by day and it wont go away, you can relate these personalities sort of my id and superego trying to battle it put and nothing is getting solved, which is quite unfortunate. Of course its getting to a point of where I’m sort of settling down and being fine for the time being, and I also really dislike when people try to apply some sort of pity, I dont want anyone to read this post and think “ poor ham” cause ill probably get very upset, and not even as a joke, and its very hard to get me upset at you, and note, I am fully aware of when someone is trying to avoid me, I will obviously try to patch things up even if you ignore me or trash talk me further cause I love ya like that, ok. Memes aside , I have really enjoyed 2015, and visiting my family on the 26th till sometime in January will be awesome, I really love them and I hardly get to see them. I am terribly sorry for this super long post, but I just kinda felt like rambling and if someone actually read all this, I’ll be very impressed by your patience and you should marry me, and I guess I should also try to get a girlfriend or something cause my dad thinks I should have one, so expect some crappy tweets by me in 2016, but yeah I’ll end it here.
Tl;dr- Be less annoying and love who I am as a person and dont let others peoples thoughts influence yours heavily, and find an irl waifu.
Next time maybe I’ll talk about my crappy anime experience.
Till then, cya later alligator.
:>
- Ham