jokes 3/9/15

I’ve always wanted to deliver a slick one liner and then drop the mic. Something like, “this microphone is slippery.” *drops mic*

It wasn’t easy for me; I died a poor black child.

Does anybody here like impressions? A couple of you; I think they’re all right sometimes. How about French fries? I’m just trying to get a grasp on what kind of audience is in here tonight. I’d do an impression of you guys when you realized that I was just setting up a joke and not actually intending to do any impressions, but I do not have the special effects at hand to reenact brains exploding.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? I don’t know because I don’t watch super weird farm pornography.

It’s always surreal when you come across a racist person who is also a huge fan of professional basketball. They’re obsessed with a program that showcases black superiority. It’s like a homophobic person doubling as a Broadway aficionado or a sexist person reading Bossypants by Tina Fey.

The best things in life are free…for now. I don’t know if the person who first uttered that phrase understands global marketing trends, but we’re like 5 years away from paying for oxygen usage. Also, side note, getting punched in the balls is free and that is nowhere near the best thing in life. I think that phrase needs to be reevaluated and erased from our zeitgeist. Here’s a suggestion for a better phrase: the best things in life are ice cream.

Not to be crude, but my mother is getting pussy surgery next week. No I don’t mean like a hysterectomy or anything like that; I just think that triple bypass surgery is for pussies.

Whenever successful comedians talk about doing stand up, they talk about how terrible they were at it for the first 10 years. I want to somehow speed that part up, so my plan is to just be like really fucking terrible. Like, much more efficiently terrible than those guys so that it doesn’t take me 10 years to get through it. If I’m bad enough I could push through it in like 6 months I’m sure. I don’t know why nobody ever thought of this. What’s sad for me is that some of you probably are thinking, “oh now this all makes sense. He’s being terrible on purpose!” Thanks a lot, guys.

I kept forgetting my email password so I decided to change it to “how to ride a bike.” If that doesn’t work, I’ll just change my username to “Elephant.” #neverforget

I’m going to do some observational comedy now that some of you might find relatable. Have you ever been doing stand up comedy at an open mic in Newport Kentucky on Monday June 11th at 11:54 PM and realized you were completely out of material and just had to ramble on about nothing for a long enough period of time as to convince everyone that you in fact had planned enough material to adequately fill up your time slot? Me neither man.

My dad’s getting asshole surgery next week. No I don’t mean he’s getting a colon transplant or anything like that. I just think that only assholes get triple bypasses.

Whenever successful stand up comedians talk about their career I get a little weary about the path I’ve set in front of myself. Stand up comedy seems really hard, man. Also I’m slightly terrified of being in a crowd. Since I’ve been up here, I’ve actually planned out multiple escape strategies in case you guys form an angry mob and ambush me. Unfortunately none of these strategies would pan out with my physique. You know how people say things like, “if you and your friends are being chased by a bear, it’s your friends you must outrun, not the bear.” I’m the friend that gets outran in that situation. I think what I'm trying to say here is that if I don't somehow become instantly successful doing comedy, I'll sacrifice myself to a bear.

Now that I’m in my mid twenties, I’ve entered another introspective phase in my life and I’ve been looking into Christianity a lot and it’s honestly kind of appealing to me. I’ll dedicate my life to anything that claims that the end of the world is coming soon because I have not been taking care of my body and I don’t want to live to regret it.

Has the United States government been overthrown by the 99% yet? I was kind of banking on things going that way, no pun intended. I guess I’ll have to file my taxes after all.