Thread 84: Stories 46-60

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>Celestia
"Pommel"

"Ohshitohshitohshitohshit-"

He was running, oh Faust he was running.

"Ohshitohshitohshit-"

He had fucked up so hard, so very very hard. He was the captain of the guard, he was supposed to be there, he was...

"FUCK!"

...standing in her doorway when he said that.

>...I appreciate your forwardness, Captain, but I believe you're already in a relationship.

He shook away his embarrassment for THAT fuck up, there would be time for that later, right now there was a wholly different embarrassment to deal with.

A walking talking one named Bronze Pommel.

"I am the biggest dickhead in the world and I am so sooooo sorry!"

The Sun Princess blinked as her Guard Captain prostrated himself on the ground before her.

>I...don't follow.

Pommel looked up, fear and more than a little guilt apparent on his face.

"The...the thing with Sunset Shimmer, your highness. You were in danger and I was in my bed-"

>With your marefriend, yes?

"Er, well, yes."

>Well be assured you would have enjoyed what went on in the Empire's dungeon far less than snuggling with Ms. Daw.

"That's not the point-I mean, you obviously know that isn't it but, well. I failed you."

>I suppose in a sense you did, quite unfortunate. But honestly, I didn't receive all that much punishment, though I did get to experience what it's like to be a javelin. You needn't worry yourself too much, the matter has been resolved and believe me, there was precious little you could have done in that situation.

That revelation hit Pommel like a ton of bricks, he shook his head.

"I could have done something, surely. I could have put myself in Princess Applejack's crosshairs until you all figured out a plan. Getting knocked around's in my job description."

>Funnily enough, it's also in mine, I guess I forgot to read the fine print while developing in the womb.

"I just...I'm...expendable."

Now it was Celestia's turn to shake her head.

>That kind of thinking makes me worry about you, Captain, it really does.

"Huh?"

>You aren't expendable, no one is expendable. If I started thinking that way, you'd currently be diving to take bullets for me that I myself fired. You need to remember that there is a line between heroism and suicidal ignorance.

"I'm...I'm no hero, your majesty."

>The ponies you have apparently helped would tend to disagree. Frankly, the fact that you've kept this attitude after besting that horrendous creature that now serves my cake not once but twice is a little disconcerting. It makes me wonder if you require a psych evaluation.

"Princess, I only did what any guard would have-"

>No.

Pommel shrunk back at the bluntness with which Princess Celestia denied his statement.

>You most certainly did not do what any guard would have done. I find it doubtful most of your old peers would have even made it off that island, perhaps even out of Chitania's belly.

Her expression softened.

>Though I suppose it's hard to blame them. Walk with me, Captain, I think you need to see how things are.

She turned and began to walk deeper into her chambers. Dutifully, he followed.

>The Old Guard-with a few exceptions-failed again and again, they failed when the Changelings invaded, they failed against Chitania, they even failed to repel Plush toys without help. But that can be forgiven, if they had just gotten back up. They did not, they wallowed in their failure and allowed it to define them. Cordyceps broke them, and in many ways, I cannot blame them, for it was a fight that they were ill-equipped to handle and in the end they sought the easy way out. Those that remains are those that will stay loyal through thick and thin, and they as well as you are important if we are ever to have a guard that can be respectable again. You say you are not a hero, and I do not need you to be, what I need you to be...

She walked him towards her balcony, bidding him to look out over the castle courtyard with a sweep of her hoof.

>Is a leader.

Down below, he saw them all, the new recruits training under the watchful eye of Lucky Strikes, being shown hoof-to-hoof techniques by Sucker Punch and his changeling friend, even a couple stopping to have what appeared to be-

"Why does that changeling have a rope around his waist?"

>Let's just table that for now, it thankfully doesn't appear to be a lynching. My point is down there are young stallions and mares that share your ideals, a fresh slate without the cynicism and resentment of their predecessors. It is up to you to mold them into what you believe a guard should be, a force that can keep the peace and calm the masses when times are dire. You will not be alone, for even if they haven't seen me, I've noted the mettle of your fellow guard. From Haymaker all the way down to your cousin, they can all make an impact, they can all help pull the guard back into being a noble force again. I have faith in you, Captain, I have faith in all of you, you need only to have faith in yourselves.

"...uh...wow...th-thanks, Princess."

>Think nothing of it, Captain Pommel. Just remember what I said, the rest will hopefully follow.

"I will, Princess, you have my word."

>...

"..."

>...so, the changeling with the rope-

"On it!"

And he was off.

"Pleasedon'tbealynchingpleasedon'tbealynchingpleasedon'tbealynching!"

The Princess, alone again, let out a tranquil sigh.

>There's hope yet it seems-oh, oh the changeling just seems to have wandered off. Captain, Cap-oh well, he'll figure it out when he gets there.

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>Pommel
"Changeling"
~~~~

For being all about subterfuge and spotting subtle things, it was taking a worryingly long time for him to be noticed.

>Okay, so, on closer inspection, it is nowhere near the neck. On the positives, this means that this was almost certainly not a lynching, as moving it past his forelegs would require more work than any of the Canterlot Elite would be willing to do. On the negative, I am now wondering if Applejack has gone bananas and decided to rope a doggy, or however the country slang for that is supposed to go... note to self, if Applejack snaps and goes on a roping spree, retire. There's chaos beings from beyond the beginning of time slowly eating the very soul out of heaven, and then there's that. That is the breaking point... is he actually going to notice-

"GAH!"

>Finally. Uh, changeling? Do you need assistance?... and please tell me it was not Applejack related.

"I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING!"

>Technically, you're spazzing out like a lunatic. Not a problem, just a nut for semantics sometimes.

"LEAVE ME BE!"

>...Oh, Faustdamnit, you're that changeling that punched Steam Gauge in the face.

The changeling's eyes started jolting back and forth, the look of a ling who had been caught eating a face full of pie... more specifically, his neighbors wife's pie. The pie of love. Without warning, he took to the skies, out of reach of the physical grasp.

"HA! FUCK I LOVE BEING A CHANGELING SOMETIMES! WINGS AND HORNS, BITCHES! ALL DAY EVERY DA-GLK!"

Pommel, in retaliation, had been planning to grab him and usher him back to earth. Such an action was unneeded, as a tree branch and that dangling rope did the work for him. Pommel, knowing how changelings were, did not even consider helping him up.

All day every day, after all.

"...FUCK OFF!"

>I was seriously just making sure nobody tried to hang you, this is really unnecessary.

"I don't need to talk to you, okay!"

>Fine. Just fly off again?

"I WILL! AND I'M NOT-HRK!"

He should not be enjoying that. He should really not be enjoying watching the changeling get caught and sent to the ground again.

Fuck it, he was enjoying it.

"...I'm not even doing anything!"

>What a shocker, neither was I, and yet you keep hurting yourself. If this is a cry for help, I have heard you call, please stop.

"FUCK YOU!"

>Please stop insulting the Captain of the Guard, there are so many ways that's just not a good thing.

"That just makes me hate you more!"

>And here I thought you guys had no problems with authority.

"FUCK IT! Mission completed! Mystery solved! Still dicks out here, scouting is done and I'm turning in before I end up locked up again! FUCK OFF!"

He tugged on his rope, and waited. And waited.

And waited a frankly uncomfortable time after that.

>...It's going to hit you eventually, right?

"I... may or may not be stewing in rage at those assholes breaking my lifeline for leaving me out here with the racists."

>Heh.

"Oh come the fuck on! Are you really going to be like that other guy? "Oh no! We were always nice! Whaaaa? What do you mean, the guard are dicks? It's just you acting crazy!" PFFT!"

>...Someone seriously said that? Okay, look, you're not quite in the know, but after you all left there was a huge boom for recruitment, so some of the newbies don't really-"

"It was that guy I punched! That guy who looks like a mare who I also laughed at back when I stole the cakes!"

>...Ah. Should... should probably have a discussion about that, him thinking everything that happened was 'nice' is uh... little worrying.

"No shit! So, if you don't mind, I'm going to do what you won't do, fuck off away, and avoid you assholes so nothing worse happens!'

>And that is totally our fault.

"No shit, it is!"

>Yep. Toooottally our fault we didn't like the guys who literally rained down from the sky, spewing green laser beams and death as they go, beating every single one of us into submission comically easily, and then coming back and literally living in our castle. Our fault we were 'racist' to you guys, and not just 'horribly bitter at you all'.

"...Okay, ignoring that you're essentially saying 'no, we're racist because you beat us, not because we didn't like you', which is not better, that stopped making sense several months into our imprisonment entirely."

>You guys weren't...

"..."

>...Fine. I'll give you that one. I was there when she, well...

"WHAT DO YA" MEAN, WE AIN'T GOT NO ROOM!?"
"I'm sorry, ma'am, we just don't have enough space in the dungeon! No matter how we mashed them, plain and simple they will not fit! We couldn't lock the doors, and they'd just escape!"
"FINE! Then stick 'em in the dang ballroom fer' now! Just lock them critters up till Ah' can figure out how'da deal with them more permanently... This friggen place is fallin' apart! How hard is it ta' make some GADDANG DUNGEON CELLS!? Not like imprisonin' the dangerous is a necessary cornerstone of society or nothin'!... Fer fucks sake!... Discord, if they act up, turn 'em inta' whatever ya' want! Ah' don't care!"
"Oh Hooo! Princess, you know not what you have done..."

The captain clopped his hooves together, applauding the multi-voiced one-changeling show that had been sporadically staged with the help of disguise magic.

Even though he was pretty sure it was mocking him, the changeling still took a bow.

>Fine, I'll admit it, coming in with 'this is where we stuck you instead of a prison' and then remaining in there probably just gave everyone the impression you were still to be treated like prisoners. Doesn't matter if you could be let out occasionally, all about where you 'belonged'. That? I'll agree with you, that wasn't helping... but you guys also really did not help by not, oh I don't know, saying sorry? Probably would have helped.

"Why would I say sorry to a bunch of assholes!? They should say sorry!"

>Why would they say sorry to an asshole?

".."

>...

"...You know what? Fuck it, it doesn't matter. I want to go home already. Just... I want my home to be fixed so I can leave this shithole and go home. You don't have to talk to me, I won't talk to you, we're good. Just try to ignore us for a week then we can go back to not being near each other."

The captain sighed a long, long, long slow sigh, misty breath wafting from him like the smoke from a cigarette he would need right now if he had that habit.

>That sucks.

"Sounds fair to me!"

>Not the ignoring thing, just that... you know, you were here for a year, you fought against robots for this place, battle laser shooting zombies, even defend it from stuffed animals... and yet, it's not even close to being 'home' to you guys. It's 'that place I was forced back to'. Really sucks to hear after all that, this place isn't home, that place that you were barely there a week? That's home.

"Pfft, like they say, home is where the Heart is."

>...that pun was painful.

"Unintentional too."

>Look, as a guy who is really good friends with a changeling, I just need to say that this? This whole thing? It's bad. It's bad, and you guys and Canterlot are never going to like each other at this rate.

"You're only friends with worst-changeling, don't pull that card."

>...the irony is threatening to dissolve me, It will literally eat me alive.

"Don't care."


>Come on... we're not all bad, not every one of us, right? You're seriously telling me not once did anyone in Canterlot not be a jerk to you? Come on... be honest.

The changeling grew silent, save for the occasional buzzes of his wings. He grew silent as he remembered the change in his left foreleg hole, and the familiar taste of a pie still fresh. He remembered these things, and a few interactions more in the year that had passed, as he stayed silent.

"...There's more bad than good."

>Story of the world there, bug-guy. Thing is, it's my job to make it so there's a little less bad and a little more good. Now, I'm well aware how the old guard did it, but that's not quite my style. I'd rather we got rid of more of the bad and brought in more of the good. But, problem is, if both sides are like this, there's going to be nothing but bad, and any good is eventually going to sour and turn bad. Shit happened, it wasn't fun for anyone, but hey... it's the holidays...

A smile began to creep on his face as he looked up, looked to the clouds and the snow falling down.

>Millennia ago, infighting between a bunch of different races nearly caused the extinction of the whole pony race. If they had kept fighting till the end, there wouldn't be an Equstria right now. We got here, we built this city, out of the idea that pegasi, earth ponies and unicorns not only could, but had to live together in harmony if we were to make it. And we did, we flourished, and here we are... maybe history will repeat itself and you guys and the guards and the rest of Canterlot just keep fighting and being enemies and then you just go away in a train, surrounded by a bunch of glaring eyes and angry faces. Or, maybe, just maybe, history can repeat itself in another way... it's up to you, I guess. I can scold and punish them for acting unbecoming of a guard, but I can't make them like you. I can ask Steam Gauge to look the other way, but only you can-

"His name was Quicksilver."

The pony's eyes went comically wide, and much of the sweeping speech he had been forming died right on his tongue.

>...Oh dear Faust I've been calling him by the wrong name this whole time... nobody ever corrected me... see this? You guys and us? More similar than we thought. Bet we could discover all kinds of things if we'd try...

But the changeling had long, long since passed listening.

"...I just want to go home."

He patted the changeling on the shoulder, moving past him and unhooking him from the tree as he went.

>Don't worry, you'll be back before you know it. Happy Hearth's Warming, buddy. I know you don't celebrate it, but hey... everyone deserves to have a good time. Try to enjoy the festivities, they only come once a year after all. Who knows... maybe it'll be really fun now that you guys are here too. Be safe! And if ever you need us, the Canterlot Guard is here to defend. Everyone, this time.

With that, Bronze Pommel made his way away from the changeling, and left him there in the snow. His hoof hooked around his broken rope, dangling limply in a loose grasp, and sitting there as flake after flake of white landed on his skin.

He sat there as the life of Canterlot walked by him. Casting him glances, casting him stares, a hundred faces on the way to a thousand events.

But, he admitted, this was the very first time he had really looked at them, really them, as they glanced to him.

He found it strange... how little looked on in hate.

"...I just want to go home..."

The pony hadn't realized, perhaps never would, just how much that word meant to him. He just couldn't' understand.

But the more he thought about it, the more he realized...

He had never tried to explain.

"...I..."

He had a hoof with some bits.

He had love.

...What was the harm in seeing some of the sights? He was here to scout, after all.

And he was nothing if not one hell of a changeling scout.

"...I wonder if it's possible to put love in a candy cane..."

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Non-Canon
>Pinkie
"Pommel"
~~~~~

>Welcome to VeryLate Night /pa/ with your lovely host Pinkie Pie! It is during this time that content matters, but my usual writer is out cold. And now, for our main guest... BRONZE POMMEL!

"Good evening."

>Pommel, is it true you can't tell mares and stallions apart and thus need private notes constantly reminding you of who is which gender?

"Okay, Miss Pie, I have absolutely NO idea whom you heard-"

>Furthermore, are the rumors true that you hooked up with one Jacqueline 'Jack' Daw, thinking she was a stallion the whole time, only to get a pussy surprise on your first night but now are too embarrassed or afraid over your mistake to break up despite being homosexual?!

"I-whiddya-ahemma-nu!"

>And that's sadly all the time this program slot grants us for studio guests. Cheer up, Pom-Pom. Same Sex marriages are now legal! Tune in next time when none of us remember even having this conversation!

Pommel wakes up

"I DON'T SWING THAT WAY!"

'And I swing a mean right hook!'

SMACK

"Oof!"

'Now get back to sleep!'

"...yes, Ma'am."

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 >Chrysalis
"Mane-Iac"
~~~

"AHHHHAHAHAHAHHAH! THIS HOLIDAY IS MY FAAAAAAVVOOOORRITE!"

>Seriously?

"Hm? Oh, no, not technically, I'm normally trying to destroy they parades with a laser or turning all the presents into wigs, or using it as a scheme to spread my mane-control serum. This is actually the first year I'm not trying to wreck anything!"

>Huh... how many have you been with?

"I've doooonnneeeee.... thirty seven schemes!"

>Did... did you double up?

"What? No! A true Mane-Iac only does one a year!"

>...how long have you been a supervillain?

"Five years."

>...

"..."

>...

"...what?"

>...Nothing! Nothing at all. C'mon, let's try and pick up something for Shiny.

"AH HAHHHH! I've got this one!"

>Where did you pull that wallet out of?

"...where did you pull your wallet out of?"

>...Touché. Question withdrawn.

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>Spike
"??"
~~~

>...Huh. Who's been cleaning this place?

The Gunclub meeting room was spotless, not a speck of dust. Who exactly had been coming into this room and wiping it down from top to bottom eluded him, because it certainly wasn't him. Or Seventy Seven. Or Diamond Tiara. Or...

>Hooo boy... let's hope this place is still stocked- well, what do you know.

Sure enough, the cabinets did indeed have food ready and waiting, even gems for himself. Someone had been keeping the lights on in this place.

He could examine who later. For now, he just wanted to get a doughnut, sprinkle on some gems, and try to have a nice quiet moment to himself.

His one flaw in his perfect plan was that the fact the universe hated him, and actively wished to mock him for the idea it would ever let him have a quiet moment to himself.

"...Wow, you've been studious in cleaning this place."

The dragon kept his vision firmly on the table in front of himself, never looking up from his snack for even a moment, and giving no response but a grunt.

"Was just a compliment."

>Wasn't me who did it.

"I see..."

Time ticked away second by second, and nothing further came forth from the dragon, or the new occupant.

"Have you been well?"

It was a question so stock and neutral, Spike found himself wondering if he would have answered even if it had been a normal encounter. But, obviously, he would never know.

"...Very well. I knew there was always going to be a risk of this happening considering our professions. I'll try to keep it from affecting our mutual friends. Good day."

>Wait.

The other in the room paused, stopping just as they reached the door, a moment later and they would have been gone. Instead, they waited...

>...What did you want to talk about?

It wasn't a second later that someone smoothly slid into the chair next to him, laying down a pair of hooves on the table just on the corner of his vision.

Black, hole ridden hooves.

"I didn't want to talk, but Cadence insisted. She seemed under the impression you were angry at me."

>Can't imagine where she got that idea.

"...are you?"

He shot her a glance, quite flat, yet still very, very irritated.

"I'm being serious, are you? You know now that the orb was affecting her mind."

>Didn't know that back then, and last I checked, neither did you.

"No, I didn't."

>And yet, you still punched me into near concussion.

"That I did."

>...Are you just out of the loop on how this whole friend thing is supposed to work? We've been through a lot together, haven't we? Yet when it came right down to it, you didn't even hesitate. Didn't even think about it before you put me down for threatening her.

"That is correct."

The matter-of-fact, blunt statement made him far angrier than it should have. He huffed, a lick of flame spilling from his mouth as he looked back to the pastry again.

>Forget it, I don't know why I even bothered. Always going to be her first, isn't it?

"...You're rather hypocritical, considering. I very much doubt you would have taken my side if I had started attacking Applejack, even while she was holding the evil looking orb and assaulting others."

>Yeah, well, that's what happens when you're a decent person instead of an annoying asshole, others actually think you're worth protecting and that maybe, just maybe, they're the ones you need to listen to, not the self proclaimed bitch.

"I wasn't under the impression I needed her to act a certain way before I was allowed to protect my friend."

>...Guess not, just thought that included me too.

"It's becoming pretty obvious that's not the case, isn't it?"

The dragon let out another tired, weary sigh, resting his cheek on his claw.

>Can we just go back to how it used to be? Fighting, training, not really worrying about this crap and just having a good time arguing about who has the better fighting techniques? That was fun.

"I don't know. I did all of that under the impression you understood that Chrysalis, for all her many faults, was still my friend, and someone I cared about enough to protect as much as you do Applejack. I never blamed you for picking her first, but you seem hung up on the fact I do the same."

>Yeah, that's kind of what friends do. When they're in a toxic relationship where they're subservient to an asshole, normally it's a good thing to worry.

"...Didn't you used to carry out Rarity's garbage and literally be used as a pin cushion?"

>Long time ago.

She sighed, sliding back until she heard little pops all along her back.

"Is this really just about her attitude? You're rather harsh on someone a lot of your friends like, and who saved at least two of them from certain imprisonment at the very least."

He let out a growl of frustration, throwing his claws in the air.

>Of course it's not just that. It's all the secrets. Secret this, secret that, hide this hide that nobody can ever know then boom. She lives her whole life saying "I know something you don't know, hahahah" and it's infuriating.

"That goes both ways, you certainly trust her with literally nothing."

>I have good reason to.

"Funny, I'm sure she thinks the same."

>...You're just like her, you know. She tells you not to say something and you're mum the whole time.

"I'm not that bad."

>You know, I wish I could trust you... but I can't.

He sighed again, defeated, ready to give up.

>...I guess that's the real reason why we can't be friends, isn't it? Even if you tell me not to go at her, it's really hard to trust and believe it. You're her soldier first, and you trust me with information second. If she doesn't want me in the know, I don't get to be in the know, doesn't matter if it's about only her, or only you, or only Shiny or Cadence or Twilight or whoever... I guess I just don't think you trust me to tell me, that's all. That's... that's no way for friends to act.

"I shouldn't have to trust you with everything. I'm allowed to have my own personal secrets."

>..Yeah, I guess that's not fair. Kind of making it sound like an all or nothing thing, aren't I?... That's not really being a good friend either. Still, it's just... all might be bad, but the 'or nothing' part is just as bad. Just... something, you know? Something that tells me you actually sort of trust me with literally anything. We've been through a lot, we've fought a lot, but right now? I'm not sure you actually think I'm worth believing in. Sorry if that's selfish, it's just... how I feel.

"..."

>...Guess that's it then. Take care of yourself, Forty Two.

He moved to get up.

But a black, chitinous hoof stopped him.

"...I..."

She was shaking, actually seemed to be shaking with some sort of emotion he had never seen on her, not once, not ever.

"...I-I..."

She was forcing it, forcing herself harder than she had ever done. She was battling not just her own instincts, but her nature to her very core. She was fighting herself, hard, and she was just barely winning.

".....I........"

It was new, and he didn't like it at all.

"...I think I'm in love with Cadence..."

He did not like it at all.

>...I beg your pardon?

Her helmeted head hit the table, hard and fast enough to splinter it. He hadn't yet collected his wits enough to respond as she began to bang it on that table over and over and over again.

>Huh... that's what I thought you said.

The awkward silence grew as she lied still, her horn digging in and cracking the wood beneath it as she twisted ever so slightly.

>Uh... not to make this more awkward, but I always kind of thought you had a thing for... like... Shiny. Did I just misread that? Was that always directed at her, and I just misread it?

"No, you did not misread that. That one came first."

>Ah... so uh...

"Yes."

>At the same time?

"Yes."

>...Like... equally?

"Yes, and I don't know what to do."

>I uh... see the issue.

"...I don't want any of this, but it just... won't.... stop. I've tried everything, but it just..."

>D-did... um... did you ask Chrysalis?

"No. Nobody, absolutely nobody, knows."

>Oh... oh...

That was it. Silence. Painful, empty silence.

Not even a sound made as a claw reached out, and grabbed her on the shoulder.

>You... want some help? With... I dunno, I guess just figuring it out? Don't know how useful I'll be, but uh... I'm here, I guess? Can't be easy doing that alone.

"...you sure you still want to?"

>Hey...

The smile was a little forced, a little uncertain, a lot awkward...

But genuine.

>What are friends for?

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>SA
"Cadence"
~~~

>...

"...U-uh, well... I didn't want Chrysalis to see my shopping list, so I had to go back to shopping the regular way."

>...

"H-heeyyy, it's not that bad. Independent! You wanted me to be more independent with this, right? Can't rely on her for everything. I mean, sure, I'm not really good at haggling, and sometimes I even overpay, but I feel like I'm getting better!"

>...

"...S-Shiny? Shiny, your eye is bleeding."

>...

"...Eighteen can do some budgeting, right-"

BLAM!

"OH DEAR MERCY, SHINY!"

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Rarity
"Pinkie"
~~~

>Oh, darling! How nice to see you!

"..."

>Oh my, you've stumbled upon dear Rainbow Dash's gift! How embarrassing, I had been hoping to keep that from you. You'll be a dear and keep mum, won't you? It would be such a bother if she knew of her present before the time is right. Would hate to go through all the trouble of mixing in sparkling gem-prisim into a liquid rainbow falls only to have it all spoiled, wouldn't you say?

"..."

>Oh, I know, it's so expensive, and even then it's SO much effort and precision to do, but tell me she doesn't deserve something nice this year! Tell me, I implore you!

"..."

>As I expected. Have a Happy Heath's Warming, darling!

"...It.... is... ONNNNNNNNNNNN!"

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Twilight
"Dash"
~~~

>Scaaaaning... scaaaaning... scaaaaaannnnniiiiinnnngggggg....

"You're seriously going to do that all over again?"

>I am not having a Faustdamed elder not-a-god show up in my freaking OnO game! No! It's going to be FUN! And LIGHT! And A GOOD TIME INSTEAD OF ALL THIS PROBLEM STUFF! This is my escape WITHOUT sixteen pounds of eyeliner, and maybe, just maybe, EVERYONE will enjoy themselves and IF YOU JINX THIS I WILL BURN YOU ALIVE IN A CAULDRON FULL OF OIL!

"...You seem tense."

>I haven't done any of my shopping yet, I'm freaking out a bit.

"...OH FUCK!"

>I know, isn't it so irresponsible of me-

"HEARTHS WARMING IS THIS WEEK! FUCK!"

>...This isn't about me anymore, is it?

"Pfft, why would it be all about you? That's stupid, who thinks you need to be the focus of every single thing?"

>Fine fair enough. That would be dumb.

"So dumb."

>SO dumb.

"...Did the world just shake?"

>I'm counting that as jinxing, and the oils are coming out.

"LEAVING!

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Pommel
“???”
~~~~

Like lightning he tore through the castle, taking stairs four at a time.

>Nonononononopleasepleasepleaseplease-

And it wasn’t until he was halfway down the last flight that he saw his subordinate, Haymaker, waiting for him at the bottom.

“Oi, cap’!”

And it wasn’t until he was four steps from the bottom that he saw his subordinate, Haymaker, rear back a hoof with every intention of striking him in the face.

“YOU’D BETTER GRIT YOUR TEETH!”

And it wasn’t until he could nearly lick the underside of the hoof of his subordinate, Haymaker, that he realized this surprise attack was more than likely revenge for saddling him with that escort mission.

But what Haymaker did not realize, sorry to say, was that Pommel had somewhere to be, and fast, and so the captain dropped to his knees, praising Celestia on high for the armor, before completely bending over backwards to the point where the back of his skull scrapped the ground.

"What the-"

Haymaker's... haymaker soared by overhead while Pommel slid cleanly through the hindlegs of his subordinate as though greased. Only to hop up and keep sprinting.

>-pleasepleasepleasepleasenonononono...

All without missing a beat in his chant.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>56
“Random mares”
_____

“Ooooo, this breeze is so strong it blew my skirt up!”

>…

Hard-jawed, 56 did not glance over. He knew what he would see and also knew that it would only break his determination, skew his stride.

So on he marched through the snowy lanes of Canterlot, bolstered by a chilly bree-

“Eeeeek! This ground is so slippery I’ve fallen facedown, butt-up!”

>…

Nope.

“Excuse me, changeling thing? Do me a favor and check my rear for me? I think some trickster hung a mistletoe back there.”

>…

Keeeeeep marching.

“Hey, you! Yes, you! Holes McCheese! I’m trying to paint my body like a Hearth’s Warming tree, see? I’ve got every part done except my plot. Help a mare out, yeah? Make sure you don’t miss an inch!”

>…gnh.

N-no… walk away. Walk, darn you!

“Whoa there, bug fella, you look like you could use a pick-me-up! Wanna hug my booty for a quick second? It might be cold out here but you can bet I’m warm!”

>…this is some bullsh-

*ping!*

“Whoa! Where’d that bar of soap come from? It just shot from the sky!”

The struck little changeling couldn’t answer due to the aforementioned bar of soap lodged into his maw.

But he did however glare in a silent fume.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Sunset
"??"
~~~

She didn't know why she was making eggnogg. She couldn't get drunk, she couldn't even feel it or taste it. But it had been so soothing before, back when it was a comfort she could sneak and enjoy. Back then, it meant something.

Not so much now. In fact, in comparison to a lot of things, it was quite... plain?

>Is this what it's like to be a changeling?

Love, she had found, tasted absolutely amazing. It tasted like nothing she had ever had before, less flavor and more sensation. It was like literally being recharged every time, tingling her senses and endowing her with a feeling of elation. In hindsight, it made perfect sense, she was literally being filled with love. That would make anyone feel better under any circumstances, but to compound it with the relieving sensation of hunger warded off and the satisfaction of taste upon her tongue and it was a whole other experience. Food alone, while she could still admit it tasty, was a fine thing to have, but it wasn't an experience, not like that.

>...And they just keep hoarding it.

Despite being freed from the other presence by a changeling, despite accepting that on the whole they probably weren't all that bad, despite all she had been through... she still found herself resenting them a bit. She wished, quite strongly, that at least the Queen had not been so utterly paranoid and left her with the things she fought and suffered to learn. She understood the base logic, that Variolus could teach her a technique without explaining it had the side effect of yet another resurrection or perhaps even mass death, but she still found herself bitter at the act.

She had been the one who was impaled, made a puppet, even nearly wiped clean from existence, what fairness was it that she kept nothing in return?

>Not that I expected them to be fair about it.

Still, she had to accept it, and not fight it. It was for the best... no matter how bitter it was.

Shining Armor had been plenty reasonable to declare changeling material off limits to her. Even excluding all of the events that transpired, she had no doubt it was every bit because of her actions against his sister's information and the way they had left on such sour terms that had spurred the choice. Or perhaps he was merely getting back at her for daring to hurt his wife. All valid reasons that she could not argue, but they made no less a bitter pill to choke down.

Much like this eggnog that, she had to admit, was going to do absolutely nothing. For her taste buds or her spirits.

>...I miss being a human. That was way better than being a zombie.

"Better a human than dead, now that there is a phrase yer' gonna pass on ta' yer' youngin's."

She started, having not even heard the other come in, let alone notice them before she took a seat next to her.

"How ya' holdin' up."

Had it been anyone else, she would have thought that a cruel joke.

"...Yeaah, figured... ya' know Ah'm here iffin' ya' need ta' talk, right? Ah' don't know iffin' Ah' made that clear last time, but Ah'd advise ya' start makin' use of it."

>...I'm just a bit bitter, I guess.

"Now that there is somethin' shockin', Ah' never would'a guessed. Y'all? Bitter? Noooo."

If only she could let out her bitterness as easily as she did her breath. If she could, this would be over in a second. Not like she needed it anyway.

>It's just... it feels like it was a total bust after all that.

"...please tell me that there pun was unintentional."

>Completely. I just mean that after all that... I didn't really learn anything about changelings, did I? All my information was just cut right out of my head and stuck in a little orb I'm not allowed to touch. It feels just... unfair, you know?


"Now, sugar cube, far be it from me ta' take Chrysalis's side over mah' own student, but ya' were literally merged with a dang bug monster there. Much as Ah' don't wanna admit it and have her hold it over me, she was right careful 'bout makin' sure ya' came out okay. She didn't do it ta' punish ya' she did it cause she didn't want ya' ta' be mostly Variolus."

>I get that, but then it's like... "Hey, Sunset! I know you went through all that, and thanks for this giant ball of unprecedented scientific discovery, but you can go. We're good. No, you can't touch it, you might hurt yourself."

The quite more sizable than it had been a year ago apple-dotted rump shifted as Applejack moved uncomfortably in her seat, eyes losing a touch of their focus as she looked to a place so far away.

"No offense, but... wasn't yer'self ya' had ta' worry about. That thing... it didn't let ya' think straight. Ah'..."

She shuddered a bit, the hoof that had struck one of her dearest friends twitching in remembrance.

"...It just ain't good fer' ya' ta' have."

>Oh, but she can have it.

The other pony snorted, bopping her right in her yellow colored ear.

"Now ya'll stop. Ain't fer' her, it's Shinin' Armor and Cadence's now. The dang Queen in there wrecked their castle, their city and their homes, and bout near turned 'em ta' ash. They wanna keep 'er, it's their right. Ain't personal, just politics."

>Oh, and of course they're not going to just give it to her.

Her ear never got the chance to stop twitching before another blow flicked her right in it.

"Now stop, they're not dumb, and they ain't just gonna give her the whole farm cause she found the wolf."

>It's just not fair. She messed up and nearly wrecked a city too. Sure, it wasn't as... bad, but-

"But they also didn't let her have nothin' till she proved she was worth it. Sunset..."

Time seemed to fly by before her very eyes, aging the one she thought ageless with every passing second until she seemed... worn.

"Ya' know what yer' problem is? Yer' too dang impulsive. Ya' want it now now now now, like it ain't gonna be there tomorrow or somethin'. Ya' need ta' stop, take a breath and stop actin' like science is the apple in the fridge that's about ta' go bad. It ain't gonna get toxic in a day if ya' take a step back..."

She shoved her, only a little playful, to shake her from her thoughts.

"Ya' know how many times Ah've seen that dang bug monster think she's got it all figured out, and then her plans just blow up in her face? Ah've seen it a lot. She almost died a bunch'a times because of it. Yer' just the same. Cause Sunset... yer's smart, okay? Accordin' ta' Celestia, yer' onna the smartest there ever was. And Ah' believe it, doubt most could do what'cha did... even if most'a them don't wanna. Truth is, Ah' know yer' smart... but yer' one pony. Ya' can only see things the way ya'll can see them, no other way. It ain't bad, everyone's got their own way o' seein' the world... but yer' just one set o' eyes, Sunny. Yer' just one set in a whole world..."

Shaky, uncoordinated magic ignited on the princesses horn, and with a slow determination a potted plant in the corner of the room floated over, and set itself upon the table in front of them.

"This here... what'dya see?"

A confusing request, sure. But, she decided she could indulge her, at least a little bit.

>Malus domestica, Red Gala variety. Grows it's first fruit in at least four but possibly five years, has essential dietary vitamins and minerals that make it a choice for body growth in younger ponies, only has forty calories, the average yield harvested is twenty crates, and it takes approximately two pounds of apples to make a nine inch pie.

The Princess gave a curt, thoughtful nod, her hoof tapping her chin all the while.

>...What do you see?

The side of her tongue poked out ever so slightly, and her head rocked from side to side slowly, looking in a way that Sunset... just didn't understand.

"...This here plant needs some water, or it ain't never gonna grow. And Ah' don't know who's bright idea it was ta' think that the little window has got the sunlight needed ta' actually provide fer' this thing, but they're as empty as this understuffed pot. Pfft, did they just get a bunch'a dirt from the ground and call it a day? That ain't how ya' fertilize. This thing's gonna be too scrawny to hold up an apple seed, let alone some fruit!"

Dry eyelids fluttered rapidly as she struggled to process everything the princess said, head spinning in the whirlwind of information she had missed so brazenly. How had she not noticed the dry leaves? That the potting soil was barely an inch deep? That the angle of the window was barely even enough to light a book, let alone a plant. She had missed... everything, except...

"We're always gonna need ponies that see the science in things, that can tell ya' how much this here is gonna help, how ta' spread it out so everyone gets fed and how ta' make the money off it ta' keep the farm workin'. But iffin' ya' just look at the science, ya' ain't gonna see it with the eyes of the farmer. Farmers see these things every day, they can tell ya' when ones sick, what the weather's gonna do before it ever starts ta' rain, and when ta' let it go... but ya' get it through years o' honin' yer' craft, learnin' and livin' with the land, just like y'all got all them smarts from readin' books, learnin' and livin' it. It don't matter which way ya' choose, it just meas that sometimes... that's all ya' see. See what Ah' mean? 'Nother set o' eyes... can make ya' see a sickness pretty fast, before the plant dies, and it's too late."

Gingerly, she put the potted plant into those unfeeling, yellow hooves, gently closing them around it.

"We ain't perfect, Sunset, nobody is... but we all see stuff in a different way. Sometimes, ya' can't just go now now now, ya' gotta turn ta' yer friend, and go 'Hey... what do y'all see here?'"

She scooted from her chair, all four hooves hitting the floor mere seconds after a stern pat on the shoulder.

"Iffin' ya' think it was all fer' nothin', then yer' right. Iffin' ya' think ya' didn't learn nothin', ya' didn't. That's mah' outlook, at least. Who knows... ya' might have a different one of yer' own. Yer' call, course. But iffin' it was me? Ah'd say iffin' that whole mess taught me nothin' about changelings, Ah' was never gonna learn."

>...Did it? Teach you, I mean.

"...Ya' know? Ah' think it did... don't go crazy on the waterin', even if it looks kinda dry. She'll heal iffin' ya' give 'er time, but you'll drown it if ya' rush her. Get her some sunlight, stayin' cooped up is gonna stunt the growth somethin' terrible. Give 'er room ta' grow, or that pot's gonna be all she ever gets ta'. Find a place where ya' think she'll do the most good... and get ready for the day she needs ta' take root, and start helpin' ponies. Just a bit of a suggestion, yer' gonna need ta' find yer' own groove. Who knows... she might grow bigger than ya' ever thought possible. Y'all take care now, and iffin' ya' need someone ta' help ya'... Ah've got advice fer' days. And stop frettin', you'll be back ta' normal before ya' know it."

She made her way out after that. Gone with a helpful wave, a cheerful smile, a loving look. Gone with so much said, and so little given back. Gone outside the door...

But not gone away.

A single, yellow hoof cautiously touched a leaf, careful not to break the brown edge. Careful, gentle, as she ran her hoof that could not feel over that which could not feel her back.

>...Looks like you're pretty sick too... but... but maybe you can get better.

It was good, that she couldn't feel her chest, otherwise that pot may have hurt.

It was good, that she could hold her breath, or else she might've choked.

It was good, that she couldn't cry... or else she might've drowned the poor thing right there.

>...maybe we can both get better...

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Vekir
"Watchdog"
'Siegfried'
-Anton-

"Hyup!"

>Wheee!

"Hyyyup!"

>Wheee!

"Hyyyyyy-aw crap."

>Whyfore do you stop, Dog of-...

'...'

-...-

>Hallo catbirds.

'What did I tell you about the throwing thing!?'

>To not be doing it?

'And what are you doing!?'

"Tossing her, totally different...uhhh, did you reproduce why we weren't looking?"

'No, this is my cousin Anton, say hi Anton.'

-...-

>Small catbird does not speak.

'Yeah, that's a thing with him sometimes, ignore it. Now knock it off with the throwing or tossing or whatever, it's going to make her blow chunks again.'

>Not so! Vekir thought ahead and only ate one of the tiny pancakes!

"Crepes."

>Dog of watches! There is child here!

'Just knock it off, will ya? We're down here until my family figures out how we're getting out of this mess, the last thing I need is the cleaning staff in an uproar. Now you wait here, I'm going to get something to make my job of babysitting you two loons easier.'

"Ropes?"

>Small dead animals?

'Whiskey. C'mon Anton.'

The Prince turned on his heel, walking out of the room the would-be ambassador was staying in. He got halfway down the hall when he realized the absence of a small bundled body by his side.

'Anton?!'

The gryphon prince ran back to the room.

'Hey, have you guys seen An-FOR FUCK'S SAKE!'

"Hey! If I can't say crepe you can't say that! Hyupup!"

>-Wheeeee!-

'Living in hell, I am living in hell.'

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Chrysalis
"Changelings"
~~~

>Hey! Are you all... still... aliiivvveee... what the fuck?

"...hello."

>Hello. Your QUEEN comes in the room and- you know what? I'll wait on that. What the fuck are you all doing?

"We're uh... we're getting some rope."

>No no, don't pull that 'here's the thing we're currently in progress of doing', I'm asking you what the fuck you're all doing, and you know what I mean?

"...We're going after the cinnabuns."

"FOR THE HIVE!"

>That part I believe. What I do not believe is why Cinnabuns require rope. At what point did this become necessary? I know of the cinnabun, I have dined on the cinnabun, at no point does the cinnabun have a prerequisite of 'rope'.

"It's just in case they, like, grab 22!"

"WHOA WHAT!? We agreed on 65!"

"WE AGREED NO SUCH THING! I thought we were sending 14! That was if he gets caught and they do horrible things to him, he'll roll with it!"

*Sob*

>...Putting a pin in that last one. Because the more pressing matter is YOU CAN ALL FLY AND SHOOT LASERS!

"We don't wanna fight!'

"WE'RE SORRY!"

>That- okay that's actually reasonable, don't want another... where the fuck is whats-his-face?

"..."

>...

"Did you know the corner of that door is really, REALLY sharp? Like, you don't even know. Could probably take a pony's head off."

>...

"...Not that we WOULD-"

>Shut up.

"Shutting up."

>I-ugghhh... just go get the motherfucking cinnabuns! WE ARE THE HIVE! We do not hide from fucking PONIES! WE ARE STRONGER THAN THEM!

"...aren't... aren't we also mostly about being sneaky too?"

>...

"..."

>...Shut up, I have won this conversation.

*SLAM!*

"...So! Who are we sending out?"

"..."

"...Why are you all looking at me like-NO LINGS NO!"

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Chitania
"??"
~~~~~

Finding her daughter was surprisingly hard in this place. One would think a changeling would stick out like a sore hoof, but instead she had spotted not a bit of chitin in the sea of shopping ponies. As such, she had decided, instead, to sit out on the edge of the castle, near where the garden had been, and wait.

Even the joy of her newest book did nothing to alleviate the sheer, crushing, boredom, and she prayed for something to change the time at all.

...Except someone sneaking up behind her.

>If you are hoping to steal a picture, or some of my hair, or literally anything else those idiots have tried, I will hospitalize you.

"EEP!"

She started at the voice, ears flickering wildly.

Her long, muscle bound neck turned with a practiced ease and grace as she looked behind her. Not to the steps that lead to the doorway as one would expect, but instead up... up...

>...You aren't supposed to be near me.

Above, tucked away and trying to hide from sight, eight little legs shivered a bit in the cold.

"A-Applejack said I could for a second... they aren't so freaked out now if someone knows you."

>I see... you should still be weary.

"Not like they're gonna avoid me more than they do anyway..."

Sharp, angry eyes narrowed in, a familiar burn taking over in her chest.

>Are they hurting you?

"No... they just.. try to avoid me, you know?"

She didn't have the heart to point out the obvious similarity.

>What did you want?

"U-um..."

She descended slowly, extraneous legs holding onto her webbing while her natural ones clutched a box of... something.

"I... I was going to give this to you a while ago, but I had to remake it all over again cause I kind of... tore it apart. T-then I thought about giving it to you on Hearth's Warming, but I'm kind of worried Blueblood isn't going to have anyone with him that day. This is going to be the first one where his family doesn't... want him around, so I thought I could... anyway, h-here."


A package was offered, shakily and unsteadily, but it was taken with a practiced ease.

>Hrm... I don't have anything for you.

"O-oh! Oh no! No I uh, I don't need anything! You used to save me just... Remember when Momma accidentally knocked over her acid cauldron, and then it turned out the gems that dragon had horded were volatile, so everything was exploding and there was an angry dragon chasing us and... I'm sorry."

>Nothing to be sorry for, I remember it quite well.

"So you don't have to get me anything, I'm good. Just wanted to give that to you and... I'll go now."

She made it only a single step before a massive hoof reached out, hooking one of her legs with a curved point from one of her many leg holes.

Not allowing her to move, Chitania's attention remained on the delicately wrapped box, examining the care and time that had obviously been poured into it.

>Do you not want to see me open it?

"N-no, silly! You're supposed to open it on Hearth's Warming!"

>I still don't know what that even is.

"Me either, but it's important!"

>Hrm...

Strangely, she had not let her go yet.

>...You called her momma.

The changeling went pale, feeling an odd tingling in her mouth.

>She would have liked that.

Then, after that... an odd tingling somewhere else.

More in the chest region.

>Well, since I have nothing physical to give you...

She pulled gently, not that she needed to do much considering the comically wide gap between their strengths. All the while, Arana let herself be led, be pulled until she was in the bench as well, looking up with wide, blinking eyes.

>...Did she ever tell you about how she met your father?

Her stunned, straining neck creaked from side to side, barely believing her ears.

>Well, that's a very long story.

"I-I've got time..."

A rare sigh graced the world that day.

The day Chitania looked back on what had been... and smiled.

>It all started with her running headfirst into a yak, and setting a church on fire...

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

NC
'Applejack'
~~

'Arana? Did ya' drop off yer' gift or-'

>And then she decided, fuck it, I'm biting him in the dick! And she did, dissolved it right away. So, long story short, that's why he's your uncle and not your father. Now, after that came his sister, and HO HO HO shiiit that one ended badly when she pulled out the torch...

'...Ah' don't even wanna know...'

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________