Squidward copypasta

A few weeks ago, I worked up the courage to tell my best friend IRL about my orientation and my love for Squidward. Decided I’d share this story here to show anyone thinking about coming out that while it may be scary, it can also be very funny. And sharing for anyone who needs a laugh today!

I wanted to open with some background, so we had this exchange.

Me: “Do you know what schediaphilia is?”

Her: “No.”

“Do you know what waifuism is?”

“No.”

“Do you know what Objectum Sexuality is?”

“No.”

“Do you know who I am?”

“Yes!” 😄

“Now we’re getting somewhere.” 😅

I stopped blatantly stalling and we discussed what waifuism is. I told her that most people in the waifuism community have partners from anime, but that I always preferred western animation. She went quiet, looked at me, and said, “Like... Woody from Toy Story?”

I thought that was an odd example, but I said, “Sure, I guess.” She had some great and thoughtful questions about how waifuism works, but her biggest question was my lover’s identity. She asked if it was anyone she would know. “Yes,” I told her, “and if I tell you, your life won’t be the same. Once you know, you can never unknow.”

She took a long look at me again and said in a little voice, “Is it Yosemite Sam?”

“What?”

“Yosemite Sam. With the red moustache and big hat.”

“I know who he is. But why would you guess him?”

“I can’t think of anyone else that’s western animation!”

“Western animation doesn’t mean cowboys. It means animation made in the Western Hemisphere as opposed to anime from Japan!” 😆

“Ohhhhh. Right.” 😅 “But there are so many! I’ll never guess. You have to tell me now.”

I stalled some more. Not that I was ashamed, mind you, but it was surreal to be talking about this out loud and in person for the first time. My parents certainly have some idea because I was naïvely open about it when I first fell for him, and I’ll still make little suggestive comments if we’re watching the show, like “That’s one lucky clarinet.” But I’ve never had a sit-down with them about it. Plus, they don’t want to hear details about my love life any more than I want to tell them!

So I spun a tale of purple prose leading to the dramatic reveal.

“It was the hot summer of 1999. The sun wasn’t the only reason temperatures were rising. I was 11 years old, in the summer of my adolescence, body afire with my burgeoning womanhood. Maybe it was serendipitous that he made his debut that summer. When my eyes met his, it was as if Eros had struck me with a whole quiver of arrows, igniting an inferno in my veins.”

We were both laughing uncontrollably by this point. Near the end of my monologue, she pulled out her phone. I asked, “Are you recording this?” 😂

“No, I’m looking to see what came out in 1999!” She stops and looks at me. “SpongeBob! Is it SpongeBob?”

“Well, you’re on the right track.”

“...Patrick?”

To give her a hint, I held up my hand and pointed to my clarinet ring.

“It’s Squidward!” 😄 “That explains a lot.” She said I was blushing like crazy, going through several shades of red and nearly purple. We met at work, and she’s used to me being no-nonsense and confident. Even though I’m more relaxed when I’m not in work-mode, she had never seen me like a high school girl giddy over her first love. It makes sense though; Squidward is my first love! My friend has been supportive during and since, even though she stated truthfully that she didn’t understand, she could “see how much [I] love him.” I’m grateful to this community for being friendly and enlightening, giving me the boost I needed to be open about myself and my love.

Every good relationship has funny stories. This is definitely one to tell the grandsquids!

TL;DR: I told my best friend about my orientation, and that it involves western animation. She misunderstood and thought I was attracted to Yosemite Sam. Hilarity ensues.