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idk what to call this

a guest Sep 22nd, 2019 81 Never
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  1.  
  2. _OatZToday at 8:31 PM
  3. I dont
  4. want to hear it
  5. I genuinely dont want to fucking hear it
  6.  
  7. CyrusToday at 8:31 PM
  8. im not gonnayell at you(edited)
  9.  
  10. _OatZToday at 8:31 PM
  11. I find that hard to believe considering basically everyone fuckign wants to
  12.  
  13. CyrusToday at 8:32 PM
  14. im here to actually talk
  15.  
  16. _OatZToday at 8:32 PM
  17. First star then cayte all because you and I were explaining why and how I got back in the fucking server
  18. She fucking told me i was going out of my way to attack her
  19. How the fuck was i trying to attack her
  20. I wasnt doing jack shit and i got screamed at
  21. TWICE
  22.  
  23. CyrusToday at 8:33 PM
  24. do you... wanna vc? there maybe some other stuff we should talk about
  25.  
  26. _OatZToday at 8:33 PM
  27. Do you think
  28. Do you genuinely fucking think
  29. Im in a stable enough emotional state to vc out of all things?
  30. Because Im not
  31. I was
  32. But now Im fucking not
  33. I'm tired of that entire god damn server treating me like im some kind of fucking disease that needs to be burned
  34. I should have gone through with my fucking plan when Madison told me i wouldnt be cared for again
  35. I completely wasted caytes time by making her dragm e back into that server
  36.  
  37. CyrusToday at 8:34 PM
  38. do you honestly believe Madison?
  39.  
  40. _OatZToday at 8:34 PM
  41. AT THIS POINT YES
  42. YES I GENUINELY FUCKING DO
  43. AT THIS POINT I BASICALLY BELIEVE EVERYTHING THAT BITCH HAS TOLD M
  44. ME
  45. WHY DO YOU THINK I TOLD HER EVERYTHING SHE TOLD ME WAS RIGHT
  46.  
  47. CyrusToday at 8:35 PM
  48. What about Del
  49.  
  50. _OatZToday at 8:35 PM
  51. LITERALLY EVERYTHING SHE HAS TOLD ME WAS RIGHT
  52. EVERYTHING ABOUT ME AND EVERYTHING THAT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME WAS FUCKING RIGHT
  53.  
  54. CyrusToday at 8:35 PM
  55. Del cares about you
  56.  
  57. _OatZToday at 8:35 PM
  58. Del is one fucking person and I cant live with just one fucking person
  59. I need other people
  60. I cant just live off of one person or else itll become unstable
  61.  
  62. CyrusToday at 8:36 PM
  63. My point is
  64.  
  65. _OatZToday at 8:36 PM
  66. and unhealthy
  67.  
  68. CyrusToday at 8:36 PM
  69. If one person can care for you
  70.  
  71. _OatZToday at 8:36 PM
  72. No I see what your damn point is
  73.  
  74. CyrusToday at 8:36 PM
  75. who is to say more cant?
  76.  
  77. _OatZToday at 8:36 PM
  78. My point is that it feels like no matter what I fucking do I'm never going to change in that server
  79. People will just see me as this fucking thing that needs to be wiped out
  80. And just shoved to the side and forgotten about
  81. All I wanted was my fucking friends back but apparently I cant have that
  82. Apparently I have to be yelled at and screamed at
  83. And blamed for shit that Im not even trying to do
  84.  
  85. CyrusToday at 8:38 PM
  86. This may be a hard pill to swallow, and I had to swallow it too at some point
  87. But maybe for now it's time to move on. Instead of rebuilding bridges, build new ones
  88. I'm not saying it's impossible now to make friends from the past friends again, but maybe now is just not the time
  89. And tbh, it seems like you were on the right path
  90. just jumped in at the wrong moment
  91. You realised to yourself "There is something wrong with me" and wanted to change and come back. Just switched the order a little. In other words: You realised and rushed to come back
  92. I had that too with YNA, when I was banned
  93. Lost a lot of friends there that I chatted in vc with
  94.  
  95. _OatZToday at 8:43 PM
  96. I didnt rush at all to come back I hope you realize that
  97.  
  98. CyrusToday at 8:43 PM
  99. Alright then
  100.  
  101. _OatZToday at 8:43 PM
  102. I thought long and hard on attempting to try and come back
  103.  
  104. CyrusToday at 8:43 PM
  105. it was rushed
  106.  
  107. _OatZToday at 8:44 PM
  108. And technically
  109. I didnt even fucking make the attempt to come back in the first place
  110. Cayte was the one who brought me in
  111. I thought that meant I was ready
  112. but apparently fucking not
  113.  
  114. CyrusToday at 8:44 PM
  115. Why I move to it was rushed
  116. so less on you
  117. and more on that situation, that time period
  118. Because here is what she saw:
  119. Someone who she knew, who lost their friends, who wanted to die
  120.  
  121. _OatZToday at 8:46 PM
  122. And you know what? I still do, I genuinely still fucking do
  123.  
  124. CyrusToday at 8:46 PM
  125. And she, even with what happened in the past, wasn't heartless enough to let that happen
  126.  
  127. _OatZToday at 8:46 PM
  128. There isnt a single fucking day that goes by
  129. That I dont feel overwhelmed by guilt because of the stupid shit that went down in that server
  130. Until I manage to make shit right again and make sure everyone is okay with me its never going to fucking go away and will continue to claw at my life like a wild animal
  131. And that same exact reason is what is hurting del too
  132. Every time she brings me up
  133. Around any of you
  134. Some chucklefuck has the audacity to voice opinions on how
  135. She should stop associating with me
  136. Or explain all the wrong shit Ive done
  137. And it just fuckign tears her apart
  138.  
  139. CyrusToday at 8:48 PM
  140. 2-3 people
  141.  
  142. _OatZToday at 8:48 PM
  143. She wants me to be back as much as I do
  144.  
  145. CyrusToday at 8:49 PM
  146. Not everyone as far as she told me
  147.  
  148. _OatZToday at 8:49 PM
  149. But shes too damn afraid to make any sort of change
  150.  
  151. CyrusToday at 8:49 PM
  152. Wait, why would she need to change? Did I read something wrong?
  153.  
  154. _OatZToday at 8:50 PM
  155. you see how much power she has in the server dont you? she is perfectly capable of starting some sort of change with cayte but shes too scared to
  156. And its not like I can just fucking force her
  157.  
  158. CyrusToday at 8:51 PM
  159. Change how exactly
  160.  
  161. _OatZToday at 8:51 PM
  162. I'd be no different than everyone else who controlled and pressured Cayte into getting rid of me and hating me
  163.  
  164. CyrusToday at 8:51 PM
  165. I need to talk about that in a bit btw
  166.  
  167. _OatZToday at 8:51 PM
  168. What, was that a lie just to keep me alive too?
  169. Because sometimes it really does feel like it
  170.  
  171. CyrusToday at 8:53 PM
  172. In a bit I'll talk about that, okay? What change would be made
  173.  
  174. _OatZToday at 8:53 PM
  175. simply having more control over the situation with me, keeping people off my fucking back
  176.  
  177. CyrusToday at 8:54 PM
  178. i see
  179.  
  180. _OatZToday at 8:55 PM
  181. thats why i called del in the first place because as far as i know she has more power over star
  182. and i thought maybe shed break it up since you were taking your sweet time in doing so
  183. And instead of just all
  184. Jumping up on me
  185. To actually fucking listen to me
  186.  
  187. CyrusToday at 8:56 PM
  188. i dont see how exactly that could help but- alright. And at first I didn't want being involved.
  189.  
  190. _OatZToday at 8:56 PM
  191. Because that entire time I literally
  192. Had no idea what I was fucking doing wrong
  193. I kept saying I had no idea what I was doing wrong
  194.  
  195. CyrusToday at 8:56 PM
  196. it was a misunderstanding
  197.  
  198. _OatZToday at 8:56 PM
  199. I didnt fucking understand
  200. So then why did I continued to get fucking screamed at
  201. All I said was I didnt understand
  202. And then somebody who claims she was just
  203. "trying to help"
  204. Screams at me to let her fucking speak
  205. And when I do, she says nothing
  206. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT IM DOING WRONG IF NOBODY TELLS ME
  207.  
  208. CyrusToday at 8:58 PM
  209. I'm just gonna put it this way
  210. Idk if the server can forgive you now for everything and wont be on edge
  211.  
  212. _OatZToday at 8:58 PM
  213. So what everything I was told beforehand was just out of pity?
  214.  
  215. CyrusToday at 8:59 PM
  216. The night you came back I called Cayte about it and she agree'd, bringing you back was rushed
  217.  
  218. _OatZToday at 8:59 PM
  219. It was just a fucking farse to keep me alive?
  220. OF COURSE
  221. OF COURSE IT FUCKING WAS I FUCKING HAD SUSPICIONS FROM THE START BUT THANK YOU FOR FUCKING CLARIFYING IT FOR ME
  222. THATS ALL I NEEDED TO FUCKING HEAR
  223.  
  224. CyrusToday at 9:50 PM
  225. Have you calmed down?
  226.  
  227. _OatZToday at 9:50 PM
  228. Thomas hasn't, no.
  229.  
  230. CyrusToday at 9:50 PM
  231. Ah
  232.  
  233. _OatZToday at 9:50 PM
  234. But since all seems lost without some sort of intervention here I am.
  235.  
  236. CyrusToday at 9:50 PM
  237. Siscero(?) Hope I am spelling that right
  238.  
  239. _OatZToday at 9:50 PM
  240. Cicero, and yes.
  241.  
  242. CyrusToday at 9:51 PM
  243. Ah
  244.  
  245. _OatZToday at 9:51 PM
  246. Finally somebody who can remember.
  247. Now let me elaborate on what has happened.
  248. 2 hours prior to 10:00 PM EST, The time in which he takes his medication nightly, he had this incident with you all.
  249. He proceeded to have paranoid delusions based on the fact that he seems to be the root of all problems arising from whatever "server" you originate from.
  250.  
  251. CyrusToday at 9:52 PM
  252. Cayte's server
  253.  
  254. _OatZToday at 9:52 PM
  255. Mentally he's drained and also has no sort of trust towards anyone.
  256. Not even his significant other.
  257. Pass this onto anyone who needs to see it.
  258.  
  259. CyrusToday at 9:52 PM
  260. Yeah... Really problematic with blocking Del
  261. And if there is anyone I think should see it, I will
  262.  
  263. _OatZToday at 9:52 PM
  264. Don't worry I'm already working on that.
  265. Anyone he has blocked within the past hour I am unblocking and attempting to add them back to his list of friends.
  266. Which is a lot.
  267.  
  268. CyrusToday at 9:54 PM
  269. Can I just be blunt? With everything? Thoughts and all?
  270.  
  271. _OatZToday at 9:55 PM
  272. I have no say in any of this, nor do I have any will to fix anything.
  273. I am 100% a neutral party but am only intervening because no progress can be made.
  274. So you may.
  275.  
  276. CyrusToday at 9:55 PM
  277. Well- that's the thing
  278.  
  279. _OatZToday at 9:55 PM
  280. Although bear in mind that this may have reprocussions as he will most definitely read about this when he next awakes.
  281. ...Bare?
  282.  
  283. CyrusToday at 9:56 PM
  284. There is no fixing to be done rn with him between the server
  285.  
  286. _OatZToday at 9:56 PM
  287. As in his assumptions were correct?
  288.  
  289. CyrusToday at 9:56 PM
  290. Wdym
  291.  
  292. _OatZToday at 9:56 PM
  293. I read through what he was saying.
  294. And of course we share a consciousness so I know what goes on with him.
  295.  
  296. CyrusToday at 9:56 PM
  297. He thinks everyone hates him?
  298.  
  299. _OatZToday at 9:56 PM
  300. Essentially.
  301. He believes he is the root of the problems arising from that server.
  302. Believes that all he can do is make things worse.
  303. That everyone lied to him to keep him alive.
  304. I'm sure he's all ranted about this to you.
  305. So I won't bother re-elaborating.
  306.  
  307. CyrusToday at 9:57 PM
  308. alright
  309. I mean that right now, in this climax point of his, realising something is wrong with his life, it's not the time to be put into that server and fix things by being there. I tried explaining this with my own experiences
  310. With YNA at least
  311.  
  312. _OatZToday at 9:59 PM
  313. I can understand that.
  314. However I must say that his mentality isn't that by being there he'll fix everything.
  315. It was just a way for him to get closer to the people he knew or thought he knew cared for him most.
  316.  
  317. CyrusToday at 10:00 PM
  318. So: Closure
  319.  
  320. _OatZToday at 10:00 PM
  321. He wanted to be close to his true friends in that server.
  322. Ironically, as much as you two have fought in the past, he deemed you as one of those friends after you accepting him back into the serer.
  323.  
  324. CyrusToday at 10:02 PM
  325. Hm
  326. Alright
  327. So closure with those he thought he could be close to
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