idk what to call this

_OatZToday at 8:31 PM
I dont
want to hear it
I genuinely dont want to fucking hear it

CyrusToday at 8:31 PM
im not gonnayell at you(edited)

_OatZToday at 8:31 PM
I find that hard to believe considering basically everyone fuckign wants to

CyrusToday at 8:32 PM
im here to actually talk

_OatZToday at 8:32 PM
First star then cayte all because you and I were explaining why and how I got back in the fucking server
She fucking told me i was going out of my way to attack her
How the fuck was i trying to attack her
I wasnt doing jack shit and i got screamed at
TWICE

CyrusToday at 8:33 PM
do you... wanna vc? there maybe some other stuff we should talk about

_OatZToday at 8:33 PM
Do you think
Do you genuinely fucking think
Im in a stable enough emotional state to vc out of all things?
Because Im not
I was
But now Im fucking not
I'm tired of that entire god damn server treating me like im some kind of fucking disease that needs to be burned
I should have gone through with my fucking plan when Madison told me i wouldnt be cared for again
I completely wasted caytes time by making her dragm e back into that server

CyrusToday at 8:34 PM
do you honestly believe Madison?

_OatZToday at 8:34 PM
AT THIS POINT YES
YES I GENUINELY FUCKING DO
AT THIS POINT I BASICALLY BELIEVE EVERYTHING THAT BITCH HAS TOLD M
ME
WHY DO YOU THINK I TOLD HER EVERYTHING SHE TOLD ME WAS RIGHT

CyrusToday at 8:35 PM
What about Del

_OatZToday at 8:35 PM
LITERALLY EVERYTHING SHE HAS TOLD ME WAS RIGHT
EVERYTHING ABOUT ME AND EVERYTHING THAT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME WAS FUCKING RIGHT

CyrusToday at 8:35 PM
Del cares about you

_OatZToday at 8:35 PM
Del is one fucking person and I cant live with just one fucking person
I need other people
I cant just live off of one person or else itll become unstable

CyrusToday at 8:36 PM
My point is

_OatZToday at 8:36 PM
and unhealthy

CyrusToday at 8:36 PM
If one person can care for you

_OatZToday at 8:36 PM
No I see what your damn point is

CyrusToday at 8:36 PM
who is to say more cant?

_OatZToday at 8:36 PM
My point is that it feels like no matter what I fucking do I'm never going to change in that server
People will just see me as this fucking thing that needs to be wiped out
And just shoved to the side and forgotten about
All I wanted was my fucking friends back but apparently I cant have that
Apparently I have to be yelled at and screamed at
And blamed for shit that Im not even trying to do

CyrusToday at 8:38 PM
This may be a hard pill to swallow, and I had to swallow it too at some point
But maybe for now it's time to move on. Instead of rebuilding bridges, build new ones
I'm not saying it's impossible now to make friends from the past friends again, but maybe now is just not the time
And tbh, it seems like you were on the right path
just jumped in at the wrong moment
You realised to yourself "There is something wrong with me" and wanted to change and come back. Just switched the order a little. In other words: You realised and rushed to come back
I had that too with YNA, when I was banned
Lost a lot of friends there that I chatted in vc with

_OatZToday at 8:43 PM
I didnt rush at all to come back I hope you realize that

CyrusToday at 8:43 PM
Alright then

_OatZToday at 8:43 PM
I thought long and hard on attempting to try and come back

CyrusToday at 8:43 PM
it was rushed

_OatZToday at 8:44 PM
And technically
I didnt even fucking make the attempt to come back in the first place
Cayte was the one who brought me in
I thought that meant I was ready
but apparently fucking not

CyrusToday at 8:44 PM
Why I move to it was rushed
so less on you
and more on that situation, that time period
Because here is what she saw:
Someone who she knew, who lost their friends, who wanted to die

_OatZToday at 8:46 PM
And you know what? I still do, I genuinely still fucking do

CyrusToday at 8:46 PM
And she, even with what happened in the past, wasn't heartless enough to let that happen

_OatZToday at 8:46 PM
There isnt a single fucking day that goes by
That I dont feel overwhelmed by guilt because of the stupid shit that went down in that server
Until I manage to make shit right again and make sure everyone is okay with me its never going to fucking go away and will continue to claw at my life like a wild animal
And that same exact reason is what is hurting del too
Every time she brings me up
Around any of you
Some chucklefuck has the audacity to voice opinions on how
She should stop associating with me
Or explain all the wrong shit Ive done
And it just fuckign tears her apart

CyrusToday at 8:48 PM
2-3 people

_OatZToday at 8:48 PM
She wants me to be back as much as I do

CyrusToday at 8:49 PM
Not everyone as far as she told me

_OatZToday at 8:49 PM
But shes too damn afraid to make any sort of change

CyrusToday at 8:49 PM
Wait, why would she need to change? Did I read something wrong?

_OatZToday at 8:50 PM
you see how much power she has in the server dont you? she is perfectly capable of starting some sort of change with cayte but shes too scared to
And its not like I can just fucking force her

CyrusToday at 8:51 PM
Change how exactly

_OatZToday at 8:51 PM
I'd be no different than everyone else who controlled and pressured Cayte into getting rid of me and hating me

CyrusToday at 8:51 PM
I need to talk about that in a bit btw

_OatZToday at 8:51 PM
What, was that a lie just to keep me alive too?
Because sometimes it really does feel like it

CyrusToday at 8:53 PM
In a bit I'll talk about that, okay? What change would be made

_OatZToday at 8:53 PM
simply having more control over the situation with me, keeping people off my fucking back

CyrusToday at 8:54 PM
i see

_OatZToday at 8:55 PM
thats why i called del in the first place because as far as i know she has more power over star
and i thought maybe shed break it up since you were taking your sweet time in doing so
And instead of just all
Jumping up on me
To actually fucking listen to me

CyrusToday at 8:56 PM
i dont see how exactly that could help but- alright. And at first I didn't want being involved.

_OatZToday at 8:56 PM
Because that entire time I literally
Had no idea what I was fucking doing wrong
I kept saying I had no idea what I was doing wrong

CyrusToday at 8:56 PM
it was a misunderstanding

_OatZToday at 8:56 PM
I didnt fucking understand
So then why did I continued to get fucking screamed at
All I said was I didnt understand
And then somebody who claims she was just
"trying to help"
Screams at me to let her fucking speak
And when I do, she says nothing
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT IM DOING WRONG IF NOBODY TELLS ME

CyrusToday at 8:58 PM
I'm just gonna put it this way
Idk if the server can forgive you now for everything and wont be on edge

_OatZToday at 8:58 PM
So what everything I was told beforehand was just out of pity?

CyrusToday at 8:59 PM
The night you came back I called Cayte about it and she agree'd, bringing you back was rushed

_OatZToday at 8:59 PM
It was just a fucking farse to keep me alive?
OF COURSE
OF COURSE IT FUCKING WAS I FUCKING HAD SUSPICIONS FROM THE START BUT THANK YOU FOR FUCKING CLARIFYING IT FOR ME
THATS ALL I NEEDED TO FUCKING HEAR

CyrusToday at 9:50 PM
Have you calmed down?

_OatZToday at 9:50 PM
Thomas hasn't, no.

CyrusToday at 9:50 PM
Ah

_OatZToday at 9:50 PM
But since all seems lost without some sort of intervention here I am.

CyrusToday at 9:50 PM
Siscero(?) Hope I am spelling that right

_OatZToday at 9:50 PM
Cicero, and yes.

CyrusToday at 9:51 PM
Ah

_OatZToday at 9:51 PM
Finally somebody who can remember.
Now let me elaborate on what has happened.
2 hours prior to 10:00 PM EST, The time in which he takes his medication nightly, he had this incident with you all.
He proceeded to have paranoid delusions based on the fact that he seems to be the root of all problems arising from whatever "server" you originate from.

CyrusToday at 9:52 PM
Cayte's server

_OatZToday at 9:52 PM
Mentally he's drained and also has no sort of trust towards anyone.
Not even his significant other.
Pass this onto anyone who needs to see it.

CyrusToday at 9:52 PM
Yeah... Really problematic with blocking Del
And if there is anyone I think should see it, I will

_OatZToday at 9:52 PM
Don't worry I'm already working on that.
Anyone he has blocked within the past hour I am unblocking and attempting to add them back to his list of friends.
Which is a lot.

CyrusToday at 9:54 PM
Can I just be blunt? With everything? Thoughts and all?

_OatZToday at 9:55 PM
I have no say in any of this, nor do I have any will to fix anything.
I am 100% a neutral party but am only intervening because no progress can be made.
So you may.

CyrusToday at 9:55 PM
Well- that's the thing

_OatZToday at 9:55 PM
Although bear in mind that this may have reprocussions as he will most definitely read about this when he next awakes.
...Bare?

CyrusToday at 9:56 PM
There is no fixing to be done rn with him between the server

_OatZToday at 9:56 PM
As in his assumptions were correct?

CyrusToday at 9:56 PM
Wdym

_OatZToday at 9:56 PM
I read through what he was saying.
And of course we share a consciousness so I know what goes on with him.

CyrusToday at 9:56 PM
He thinks everyone hates him?

_OatZToday at 9:56 PM
Essentially.
He believes he is the root of the problems arising from that server.
Believes that all he can do is make things worse.
That everyone lied to him to keep him alive.
I'm sure he's all ranted about this to you.
So I won't bother re-elaborating.

CyrusToday at 9:57 PM
alright
I mean that right now, in this climax point of his, realising something is wrong with his life, it's not the time to be put into that server and fix things by being there. I tried explaining this with my own experiences
With YNA at least

_OatZToday at 9:59 PM
I can understand that.
However I must say that his mentality isn't that by being there he'll fix everything.
It was just a way for him to get closer to the people he knew or thought he knew cared for him most.

CyrusToday at 10:00 PM
So: Closure

_OatZToday at 10:00 PM
He wanted to be close to his true friends in that server.
Ironically, as much as you two have fought in the past, he deemed you as one of those friends after you accepting him back into the serer.

CyrusToday at 10:02 PM
Hm
Alright
So closure with those he thought he could be close to