i really hate it when i think of you
because i know that my life is better when i’m not thinking of you
i know your game i know what you do
yeah it’s insane that i’m used to it, it’s nothing new
let me tell you why i’ve been thinking this lately

yeah there was this girl
she was real crazy
she started talking to me
she would pop up daily
talking about life and shit
she didn’t know i was ready to quit
but she pulled me out of that mindset
she changed my mind real quick, yeah

we kept on talking we soon became best mates
or so i thought
we would always chat about an ideal first date,
we were both socially anxious
we were making ways to work around it
all i would say to her is
“don’t worry about it,
ima make it right,
and if your worried,
i’ll be there for you
every day and every night”
we both said it will be all right

she said she liked the idea of meeting up
we kept on talking, but then there was a hiccup,
she would always respond with “can’t talk, i’m ill”
i caught on and suddenly there was a standstill
she suddenly took long to respond
days after days and all she would say is “i lost my phone”
i clocked on to what was going on
i asked her about it
and then she left me, all alone

i sat there for weeks at a time
thinking why do i bother
i should just go and make my heart flatline
bullet through the chest
would take out my heart, or whatever’s left

but then something happened
she messaged me outta the blue
saying she freaked out like she didn’t know what to do
i gave here a second chance
and that was my second mistake
my first was ever talking to the bitch in the first place
anyway, back to what happened
there was no talks about an ideal first date
but she came up with an idea of moving to LA
i liked the idea
i thought i could get away from all the snakes i was near

i liked the idea of a new life,
leaving all the struggles and everything behind
i was following her footsteps like a fucking konga line
but between all of our chats i noticed something was wrong
she would never talk about it
but i noticed it in her tone
and one day she decided we should call
baring in mind i was busy with my school work,
i thought fuck it a short call wouldn’t hurt
i accepted the call and then that’s when it happened

she had anger in her voice i didn’t know what was wrong
she was going mental at the fact i didn’t wanna call
i sat there in silence not speaking a word
i had my whole future planned out, now it was hanging on by a thread,
the next words out of her mouth were “ i wish you were dead”

i didn’t know what to do
i didn’t know what to say
before i found my words she had ended the call
i had to keep my tears at bay
because i saw her typing
i thought i knew what she was gonna say
something about how it’s my fault and she’s not gonna stay
but what she said instead of that caused the scars i have today
she told me she was going to commit suicide because of me
she said she’d rather die than keep on talking to me
she said it would make her life better
rather than blocking me
before i could do anything she sent me that message
underneath was a picture of a bowl full of pills
i messaged back saying “i’ll see you on the other side mills”

i spent the rest of my night just staring at my phone
i had all these thoughts going through me
i had never felt more alone
i planned to say my goodbyes and then die the following day
i went to school and nothing happened
nobody blinked an eye for me
i didn’t know what to say
hours passed and before i knew it, it was the end of the day
i knew what i had to do and i knew how i was going to do it
i would go home eat some pills and it would be easy
my parents wouldn’t notice they don’t care about me
in their eyes i’m just a failure you see

about 20 minutes before i planned to be dead
this bitch texted me saying “ i blacked out now i’m in a hospital bed “
i didn’t believe her at all so i asked her to send a picture
you wanna know what this bitch did?
she went to google images and sent he first picture of a hospital bed she could find
i called her out on it
she said it was fine
she made up every excuse under the sun
said she was joking about it trying to have some fun
i hit her with some facts
how suicide is not a joke and how mental health is one of the most serious things in life
she said “stop being a whiny bitch and message me when you have calmed down”
i blocked her instead

since that day i haven’t seen light
colours have faded for me
it’s all black and white
i’ve had enough now
it’s been marley
goodnight and peace out