this person’s name was period_flood.  her favorite food is spaghetti, she finds cheese to be disgusting and repulsive texture-wise, she likes that one dude from home improvement who is now homosexual or something i think, she’s terrified of snakes, and she hates pizza.  she also likes hula hooping.  this is my message to her.

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its your birthday and your friends bought you a pizza instead of a birthday cake.  “i’m not going to eat any of this,” you yell at them, “what kind of a fucking birthday is this?  THIS IS BULLSHIT.”

“blow out the candles and you’ll see,” they tell you excitedly, motioning towards the pizza.

you blow out the candles.  “surprise!” they exclaim when suddenly the ceiling collapses dropping hundreds of snakes into the room.  immediately the windows all shatter at once and your house begins filling up with blood.  you escape to the roof quickly, wondering what is going on.

your neighbors are yelling at you: “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE” they inquire as everyone struggles to swim in the blood.  as far as you can see, the blood is rising all the way up to the horizon.  your home unroots from the ground for some bizarre reason and begins to float in the blood.

your okcupid profile name became reality.

“BUT I JUST WANTED TO MAKE FRIENDS AND MEET PEOPLE!” you whimper as you collapse to the ground.

“THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT,” all of your neighbors yell at you simultaneously while flinging pizzas from dominos and mozzarella sticks at you.

two days pass.  you are laying on the roof of your home.  the only thing up here for you to eat are the pizza and mozzarella sticks.  you are starving and want to take your mind off of your hunger so you start hula hooping in despair when all of the sudden you see five employees from starbucks struggling to stay afloat.  “I’LL SAVE YOU!” you scream as you quickly make a raft out of the pizzas.  the cheese is coagulated at this point and already turning to mold.  but how will you get to them quickly?  you grab the mozzarella sticks and mash them together to create an oar and throw the pizza raft into the sea of blood.  you begin paddling rapidly and start building up speed.  help is on the way!

BUT OH NO THE RAFT IS FALLING APART!  THEY ARE FUCKING EATING THE PIZZA RAFT AND ITS STRETCHING AND OH JESUS CHRIST IT LOOKS LIKE HAIR WHAT THE HELL THIS IS HORRIBLE!!!!!!!  you try to fend off the hungry people from starbucks but you are vomitting everywhere and struggling to swing the mozzarella stick oar at them to defend yourself.  jonathan taylor thomas rises out of the water slowly and begins speaking into a megaphone:

“your okcupid profile name is gross,” he tells you.  “you are giving people nightmares and god damn it that name scares the shit out of me.”

you wake up.  it was all a horrible nightmare.  but then you realize that you are strapped to your bed.  “WHAT THE FUCK” you scream.

tim allen enters the room.  “i’m putting on galaxy quest and you are going to watch this for eternity,” as he walks towards you and places a stuffed crust pepperoni pizza next to you.  “home improvement was a terrible show and i wasn’t able to push it to the creative limits I would have liked to.  are you hungry?” he declares as he pulls a slice from the pizza and you watch in horror as the cheese stretches before snapping and receding back to its original place on the other slices of pizza.  there are no pillows on this bed.  just pizza, you, and tim allen.

“why couldn’t you just have brought me spaghetti before i die?” you shout as you burst into tears, overwhelmed by defeat.

“because it reminds me of spaghetti.”

THE END