Thoughts on Highest Weight

TL;DR at bottom
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I've hit it.
I've hit my all-time low by hitting my all-time high.
To say I'm depressed would be an insult to those who suffer from real depression.  If I had to throw a label on it I'd say I'm disappointed.  Sad.  Angry even.

Around the end of last year, probably September or October, the scale I had broke.  At that time I weighed ~290 lb (~131.5 kg).  I checked my weight at least once a week at that point and that caused me to see when I started gaining weight which slowed down my eating.  From the time that scale broke until yesterday, January 31st, I had no scale to use.  I didn't realize any changes to my body or diet without access to a scale.  Unfortunately there were changes.  I had purchased a digital scale about a week ago with no instructions on how to calibrate it so when I stepped on and it read 365 lb I didn't believe it.  My dad did the same and it read 198 lb, which is more than expected so we chalked it up to a defective model and returned it for a non-digital version.

I stepped on that scale yesterday.

It read 365 lb.

At no point in my life did I ever think I'd hit 300 lb.  Let alone blow past it to 365 lb.  I'm now keeping track of the calories I take in so I have means to limit them as well as walking home from work, and soon walking to and from work.  I need to use all of my willpower to change my diet.  To change my life.  I've always ate at will.  Being in school or being forced to walk to and from work 4 days a week, back when I had a full-time job, everything with my weight tended to even out and I was a consistent 260 lb, which is still large, but I could live with that.  After I graduated, and when I lost my job, I sat in my room 24/7.  Only leaving when my dad made me go to the store with him.  In this time I shot up to 290 lb before getting my old job back in a part-time fashion a year later.  Walking to work 2 days a week was decent exercise and my diet was steady because of the previously mentioned scale.  I was staying at 280-295 lb.

After AGDQ Michigan got cold.  I had begun getting rides in the morning to work and my exercise had ceased.  I ate when I felt like it rather than when I was hungry.  Sometimes without even realizing so.  I'd have double, triple servings for breakfast, lunch, and dinner; with snacks in between.  I work 4 hours and that alone causes harsh pain in my feet and back.  I get winded from standing up.  I'm as unhealthy as someone disease-free can be.  I have no medical conditions, nothing preventing me from being healthy.  It's all me and I hate myself for it.

Now, why I say I'm not depressed is because I'm pretty happy with my life outside of my weight.  I have friends I talk to on a daily basis on TeamSpeak.  I love them all even if some annoy me.  I don't hate anyone really.  People like Ace or MySora that think I hate them are wrong.  I love everyone in the KH community.  Streaming is great when I make time for it.  My love life is nonexistent, but that's because I accepted a long time ago that I'm not fit to make anyone happy or fulfill anyone's needs at this point in my life.   I'm not really self-conscience to be honest.  I don't care how others see me.  People can see me as a fatass or a dick because, well,  I am.  I don't care about that petty outside view.  I care about how I see myself and, at this time, I see myself as a disappointment with no willpower.  I will be working hard to get back under three bills and, ultimately, to 200 lb - which is my goal weight at this moment in time.  By next AGDQ I want to be able to walk around without dying.

I think that's all I have  to say at this point.  I'll continue speedrunning and streaming and all that.  I'll just do so without stuffing my face.

Thanks for reading friends,
Ya Boy B-True

*****TL;DR*****
I've hit my all-time high weight of 365 lb
I'm going to count calories and walk to and from work to help lose weight.
I'm not depressed, but disappointed.
Michigan got cold so I was getting rides to and from work.
I'm going to get back under 300 and down to 200 if it kills me.
I love everyone in TeamSpeak and the KH community in general.
Peace.