-  Train goes to the opposite direction than Rowan Atkinson's head movements would indicate

 - There's no way the helicopter wouldn't have been heard by the boyfriend from MILES away

 - The whole cow-sequence is one convenience after another in perfect order and completely unrealistic

 - Every time you predict something's gonna happen, it happens exactly as you predicted

 - The superwoman pilot Kung-Fu Master race driver Mechanic hag (OF COURSE every woman knows what every single part of an internal combustion engine is called and means), claims the car is HERS, but yet has passionate anger in damaging and destroying it. Now, this is the ONLY weird thing that makes sense - this IS exactly how a woman's mind works, heated emotions from moment to moment instead of any logic.

 - 'May god strike me down' and then something strikes him down (sigh)

 - The train jump would never work, Rowan's character would be either dead or badly injured

 - Why does Newman care about the heart receiver guy and getting in trouble for not delivering the heart in time, but not care at all about the trouble he would get in from MURDERING someone?

 - The whole 'nazi' thing where he ends up 'looking and sounding like Hitler' is just so convoluted, stupid, and would never happen that way, and in the end, not funny (it was done funnier in Seinfeld and numerous other things)

 - The whole 'Barbie Museum' thing is SO stupid, it would never happen, the Nazis would never expect people to casually just come to the museum as if it's just another museum, and expect people to think 'Barbie Museum' is a normal and logical name for it

 - That particular 'museum' would've been shut down a long time ago and the Nazis would've been beaten up multiple times before such a museum could even be erected

 - Hitler's car ends up in some backwater 'Barbie Museum'??? What??

 - John Cleese disappears after the beginning, only to appear for a very short glimpse much later

 - How are they monitoring the 'race', except by the key trackers? Why not have proper monitoring set up along the way?

 - How the hell does a hooker charge THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS for a completely easy, sexless job? I mean, come on, that's not a luxury escort by any means anyway, and would probably give you a BJ for 50 bucks or less - even if it is Las Vegas, that post-wall hag would be out of business with those prices. What the F? Are we being brainwashed to think the coochy is more valuable than it actually is?

(wouldn't surprise me in this fema-fascist crap turd that shows women as invincible pilots that can beat muscular men easily and survive helicopter crashes - in ADDITION to having a boyfriend that spends HER money (when usually it's the GF that spends HIS money) and so on - role reversal doesn't quite work when you take it this far - it COULD work for comedy purposes, but it's not used like that in this movie)

 - Even if it is a Lucy Show convention, WHY the hell would EVERY Single attendant:

 - Look, make-up and dress like Lucy
 - Sound, react, behave, think and act like Lucy
 - Cry like Lucy in an actual, serious, problematic situation
 - Use the name 'Lucy' instead of their own, so no one can ever know who anyone is talking about

I am all for cosplay and roleplaying and all that, but there's NO WAY EVERY SINGLE INDIVIDUAL WOULD BE LIKE THAT and not break character 100% of the time! COME ON! This is BEYOND ridiculous!

 - WHAT the !@%&!* is Rowan Atkison playing here? He's brilliant as Mr. Bean, he's amazing as Black Adder, he's pretty good as Johnny English - but what is this unbelievable, weird 'foreign man' character? It's like a bad impression of Mr. Bean combined with a completely unbelievable, badly done impression of some doofys trying to do a 'foreign accent' and it isn't funny. It's as cringy as possible, and you only feel shame for Rowan's behalf for doing this crap. Was he this desperate for cash?

 - There's no way an incoherent baby can lose a key that big that quickly without any sound or anyone noticing, what the..??

 - There's no way anyone would be able to see 'two guys in the car' and NOT see them get out before they were crushed, so the two guys should ABSOLUTELY not be able to steal that truck with the big tires. This movie IS SO STUPID! You can't have it both ways - either the two guys are seen 100% of the time, or they're seen 0% of the time! How the hell does someone see them to know 'there were two guys in there' and then suddenly _NOT_ see them get out just before impact - what were they watching at the moment of the impact, when the whole point of the spectacle was to have everyone see it, so everyone's eyes would be on the landing car, AND consequently see the two guys not getting crushed by ..

You know, this movie is _SO_ INCREDIBLY stupid, it sucks the energy out of me.

 - Why does the hot air balloon go up instantly after Seth's character takes the rope in his hands, so the car doesn't end up hitting him? Why?

 You see this same thing in 'Back to the Future II', but it makes sense there, as the Doc is waiting and instantly pulls up when Marty grabs the rope so Biff's car doesn't hit him. But here, who makes the balloon go up instantly and rapidly (and how is it even possible to do so with a hot air balloon)?

 - I REALLY hope those were not real cows being hit, I mean, what the F is with these insane, cruel a-holes wanting to cause innocent animals to suffer in movies? Look at that cow scene and tell me no animals were harmed! What the F??

 - These betting guys are REALLY rich, right? WHY would they have such an inadequate, REALLY bad, really slowly updating, low-resolution tracking system? Wouldn't that defeat the whole purpose, if they can't accurately and in-real-time measure who got there first, etc.?

 It doesn't make sense from any angle you think about it. "THey've stopped!" (zooms in slightly) "They're moving". WHAT? Would you bet anything with a system like this?? Why not at least have Google Maps-caliber system that you can FREELY zoom and see accurately and in real time where everyone is and it would update multiple frames per second, instead of multiple seconds per frame (if that!)?

This makes no sense!

 - What the !@%&!* is the black guy feeding the bus driver in the toilet? You need pants and hat for pregnancy because of some scientific names for female genitalia? What? How would he even know all that terminology, isn't he just a football player with NO reason to know or at least remember those terms?

 WHAT KIND OF SENSE DOES IT MAKE ANYWAY THAT HE WOULD NEED HIS PANTS AND HAT FOR .. WHAT ?? WHAT?? WHAAAATTT!!!

 I can't even finish asking the question because it's SO nonsensical and stupid! WHAT were they thinking?! Couldn't they come up with anything better? Couldn't he just ask if he can ride with them on the bus? Couldn't he have told him the truth, or at least some of the truth, and promise him like 2000 bucks for his trouble? WHY do all that nonsensical crap instead?

 - Why do all the "participants" to this race just try to get there as fast as possible, instead of trying to sabotage each other properly? There's a LITTLE bit of that, but shouldn't that have been the first priority from the beginning?

1) Stop everyone else from going or at least slow them down considerably
2) Then go there as fast as you can

But no.. people are using unrealiable methods of travel and trusting some 'squirrel hag' when she is clearly pissed off and then she tells them that 'small dirt road leads to highway' - listen, NO ONE should believe that ANY small dirt road would EVER lead to any highway! Don't they have GPS? Don't they have a compass? It makes no sense from any aspect or angle...

What kind of a maniac would drive like that anyway, so their car would just go down the hill like that? What kind of sense does it make for the cars to be in such a pile there, if all cars pass those signs - shouldn't they all be in basically the same place instead of being spread around like that? Also, HOW would someone have died in there, still holding that bag intact?

How does someone die and his/her body rot so bad there's only a squaky clean skeleton left, but the _BAG_ remains completely untouched by ravages of time and animals, and looks completely fresh?

Also, the convenient 'jump scare' they get immediately from the skeleton, as if someone had placed it EXACTLY so it can fall on them is just a bit much to swallow. This movie is SO full of RIDICULOUS conveniences like this, how can anyone enjoy it??

- When everyone is running near the end, why does everyone run so weirdly and so slowly as well? Look at how they run, just look at it. Realistic?! InterestinG? Funny? It's NONE of those things, it's just PUZZLING. Why??!

 - These EXTREMELY RICH people rely on one guy with a cell phone instead of having cameras, streaming, SOME kind of remote camera/TV system installed to the very place they had no hurry in installing anything they wanted to. Makes sense? ABSOLUTELY NOT.

 - The train stops at SUCH a convenient location, it's hard to swallow. Come on, at least have the train car end up far away from the station door! But no, of course, EXACTLY at the point where it 'needs' to be for.. aagh, this movie is SO STUPID!

 How many times has YOUR train car stopped 'too far away' from where you need to be, and you had to walk there, regardless of how well you tried to select a good car? Now, granted, the guy might've walked inside the train, but how is he going to know where EXACTLY the train is going to stop until the train is very close to stopping already?

 - How does he fall asleep JUST at the 'most exciting moment'? I don't think that's how sleep apnea (or whatever it is) works. People get tired and sleepy for all kinds of reasons, but when you have something stimulating and exciting happening, the likelihood of falling asleep is rendered much lower than in boring situations where nothing happens.

 Also, wouldn't his character KNOW he has this problem and have medication for it?

 How can he fall asleep standing up and remain standing up? Wouldn't he just fall to the floor? Look at the old Mr. Bean sketch, where he falls asleep on a chair. It takes him awhile, but eventually, he basically falls towards the floor (albeit slowly). The audience can relate, and realize how realistically funny the sleeping sketch is, even if it's slightly exaggerated, because we've all been there - the body goes a bit more limp, and you start to 'nod' and do all kinds of involuntary 'relaxation' movements.

 We all know this, so we find it funny and immersive.


 But here, he falls asleep completely unrealistically, and the audience can no longer relate, so it's no longer funny. It's just ANOTHER CONTRIVED CONVENIENCE so the plot can happen exactly as it does.

 *SIGH*!!!

 - Why doesn't the tongue wound heal AT ALL during the whole movie? It's like everyone is a gimmick, and that gimmick will be there for the full duration. I was expecting the wound to heal so he could speak at some point, but when I realized how STUPID this movie is, and how illogical and groan-inducingly audience-insulting it is, I knew 'that guy is never going to be able to speak properly, because THAT is his gimmick for the movie'.

Sadly, I was right.

 - What kind of sense does it make (I am SO tired of asking this, but this damn movie!) that everyone is trying 'forcefully to insert their key' when they know full well everyone else is going to try to do the same? Wouldn't they just SHOVE EACH OTHER or talk to each other, persuade, sabotage, or use violence, deception or SOMETHING instead?

 But no, these supposed adults just gather in a tight group and try to haphazardly point their key to the general direction of the lock and expect to be able to insert and turn the key without anyone interfering?!

 WHAT?

 WHAAATTT??!!!

 How? How can anyone write a movie this bad??? How is it even possiblE? Who did they give this job to, the producer's son's newborn cat? WHAT?! IT MAKES NO SENSEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- WHY would Vicky even know about the thing, let alone how can she get there in time, and why would she even be in the picture (on any meaning of the word)?? She did her job, they paid her, she goes to some other client, why the HELL and HOW the hell could she even be there, when all the rich folk NEED THE GUY to be there to keep them up to date as to what's happening?!

 Wouldn't it mean that the rich guys are so far away from the locker that they couldn't get there in time to witness this whole thing unfold in person?

Also,

 - HOW does the servant guy get there so fast, before EVERYONE ELSE that's trying to get there as fast as possible?  If it's that quick, easy and convenient to get there, why don't ALL the rich guys go there to witness things for themselves instead of HAVING TO RELY ON A GUY WITH A CELL PHONE AAERRGGH I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!!!!


 - Doesn't Vicky know that taking that bag would be STEALING and she would end up in jail? Why is this movie perpetuating the stereotype that prostitutes are all criminals? Why would SHE even think she can get away with stealing 2 million dollars AND ruining a big, powerful rich people's bet they invested a lot to participate in?

 Anyone IN the race could legitimately take the bag and thus win, but how and why would Vicky be able to take the bag, she's NOT a participant, so all she's doing is common robbery there!

 - HOW would Vicky even get a key to open the locker? Why would she stick and hang around anyway?

Oh holy cow, the explanation is "Vicky told the servant guy she likes him"? WHAT?! What experienced rich people's servant would

 1) Fall for that
 2) Care about ANYTHING someone that looks like that has to say
 3) Not realize that a hooker is instested in money in exchange for sexual services, and even if she likes him, it doesn't mean anything

 How? So the trusted servant guy that was completely fine with fooling the hooker for a bet, suddenly falls for the simplest trick in the book that SHOULD BE EXPECTED anyway? Why didn't he immediately just pay the hooker and send her away? Why .. AAAGGH!! MY BRAAAIIN HURRRTTSS!!

 He doesn't even suspect the hooker might be miffed and want some kind of revenge for being fooled? What? How naive can this guy be? How can ANYONE be this naive? I don't think the simpiest nerd virgin would believe a hooker if the hooker says she likes him. Come on!

So then the servant is simply manipulated by a damn KISS and 'come with me', to become the hookers accomplice in basically stealing an enormous amount of very powerful, wealthy and rich people's money, and ruining their whole bet, and EXPECTS TO GET AWAY WITH IT??!

This movie is so stupid that it surprises me by being even more stupid than it was a few seconds ago - EVERY FEW SECONDS! I am frankly amazed.. every 'twist' is stupider than the next.

I can't believe they got THIS kind of cast and Zucker for movie _THIS_ stupid, what were they on when they signed their contracts? Was someone blackmailing them? What's going on, how did this turd get made?! HOW??

Yes, it happened again. So just when I thought it couldn't get stupider, first the whole group CHASES the hooker + servant, but when the car turns towards them, THEY ALL RUN AWAY, as in "they will run over us with that car"?!

WHAT?!

 Are they seriously expecting that they move from robbers to murderers in 1 second without any thinking?! WHAT?!

 Also, woudn't they be so furious about the 2 million and stuff, they would just get them regardless of what the car is doing - a few might jump on the car, a few would circle and get the driver, manipulate the wheel, maybe turn off the carn engine, etc.?!

IF the car decides to run someone over, it will seriously slow down the movement that wasn't so fast to begin with, as the whole situation starts from 0 mph anyway - - - WHO WOULD RUN AWAY in that situation, seriously?! And why would they just try to run them over, do they really think they will get away scott-free when the police and wealthy people would be after them, know what they look like, where they were, what kind of car they have, etc. etc.? WITHOUT ANY PRE-ARRANGED PLAN?!

There's NO WAY they would even THINK they would get away with that!

Also, a servant is well-chosen, their psychology wouldn't be THAT fragile, fluctuating, and easily-manipulated by some common hooker hag! Come on, this is just too much! A man like that would NEVER end up being in the position he is in - and there would DEFINITELY be at least a couple of armed guards at the locker! Anyone could've broken in and taken the money!

 There would be a constant guard at the locker at ALL TIMES from the beginning to end, they wouldn't let some hooker just come and waltz in and take the money, how the .. aagggh!!

"This thing's got a mind of its own" - WHAT kind of line is that to say about something that ACTUALLY DOES HAVE A MIND?! IT MAKES NO SENSE!

It only makes sense when you're talking about inanimate things, or things that DO NOT HAVE A MIND, like smoke of a camp fire that always seems to follow you, for example. Talking about a cow makes.. I AM SO TIRED OF SAYING IT!!

This damn thing is worse than the stupidest saturday morning cartoons ever made! I don't even know if I can finish this, it has broken through the barrier of 'farce' and is in the 'completely random stupidity' wasteland already. I can't wait to vomit about the next inane idiotism.

 - AND THEY ACTUALLY DECIDE TO GO TO SILVER CITY ANYWAY?! What was the point of NOT going, if they were going to go there anyway?! AAAGGH STOP, MOVIE, STOP BEING SO STUPID!!


 - It becomes night faster than it becomes day in Back to the Future.. so stupid and sudden.

 - Oh crap.. it keeps going? This is worse than Howard the Duck! It just keeps going. End already, please end, what's with this stupid concert crap, just when I thought it couldn't get worse.

 - Stupid, stupid movie, don't try some 'heart-tug' at the end with the 'feed the kids' crap. Just END already... EEEENND!!

 - Some kid that can't even speak english, compares them to the twelve apostles? WHAT? The twelve apostles didn't give 2 million dollars to some 'starving kids'. What the heck?

 - Then everyone acts as if they have a CHOICE in the matter and the money is somehow shared between all of them but then they put 'their share' in the bag. THAT WAS NEVER THE RULE! The rule was that ONE of them wins and gets the money and that's what they were betting on.

 - The injected romance syndrome ruins whatever else might have been decent about this stupidity.

 - The audience in the concert is in no way patient to see a performance or hear music, because that's not what they came for, right? What the ??


I have more, way, way WAY more, but I am TRYING to do my best to forget this crap forever.

I suggest everyone do the same for their own sanity, which I think I might have lost at some point during this fecal fest of turdific vomitdom.