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So after learning that somebody took pictures of me suffocating from the fucking vape, we go to the panel Bad Horse, Wanderer D, and Jaxie are hosting. It’s on advanced writing tips.

It’s a good panel! I feel I say that about every panel, but to be honest, I only attended three of them and they were all top-notch (eat your heart out, Galacon). I’m sitting with Octavia Harmony, and when Bad Horse mentions using geography to advance your story thematically – characters move forward literally and metaphorically, is the gist of it; wait for Bad Horse’s blog on the issue to know more details – and what that means if you make your character literally return to the place whre the story started, Octavia Harmony leans towards me.

“Isn’t that from the Hero’s Journey?” he asks.

And I nod. “Yeah,” I say. “Returning home is the last part of the traditional Hero’s Journey, actually. Hmm.”

So when they say, ‘any questions?’ I get up and get in queue. R5h is right behind me, and we’re both waiting for our chance to ask something. Mind you: I have no joke in mind this time. I’ve learned my lesson. I fully intend to ask a serious question. I am ¬not gonna fuck this up.

It’s my turn. I walk up to the microphone.

Bad Horse speaks before I can say anything. “Ah, this time do not use the word, please.”

They snicker, I snicker back. We’re having fun! Question time.

“Okay,” I start. So far so good. “Bad Horse, you mentioned that geographical movement can be used as an indicator of the way the characters have evolved, and that returning to a previous place can cause contradictory elements. But the Hero’s Journey—I don’t know how you guys feel about it—traditionally ends with the hero’s return to the place where it all started.”

Right, good explanation. Now, the question.

“So, wouldn’t it actually be fitting for the hero to return to a previous place, sometimes? To create contrast? I mean, I suppose you did mention coming back to a room where the heroes have been previously defeated to invoke that old sense of dread, and that could be used.”

Wait.

Hold on did I just answer my own fucking question as I was asking?

Oh shit.

Oh shit, I did. Fuck. Okay I can deal with this. I can, uh, I can buy time—what if I just. What if I just keep talking, right, and eventually I’ll find something to ask. Yes. Yes, good idea.

“…So the fact that returning to a previous place can metaphorically bring the characters back and undo their ongoing growth might actually be part of the story, if they, uh, if they need to grow past their past failures, and coming back might be a step forward.” THAT IS NOT A QUESTION. ASK A QUESTION. “No?” OKAY GOOD SAVE.

The three panelists look at me.

Total fucking confusion in their eyes.

“Uh…” Wanderer D is a brave man: he picks up the mic. “Uh, okay. So you’re asking if returning to a previous place actually undoes the character’s growth?”

YES. “Not really.” FUCK. WHY DID I SAY THAT. “I’m asking, uh.” YEAH NO SHIT YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHAT TO SAY. YOU DON’T ACTUALLY HAVE A QUESTION. “I’m saying, okay. So, let me start again.” WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS. “The Hero’s Journey involes coming back to the starting place. This is so there’s a contrast between how they started the story and how they ended it. By coming back, you finish the story as a circle—and it can feel somewhat unfinished if stories don’t wrap up like this, so the question is, uh. So, right, they come back, right?”

The three panelists look at me.

Again.

Bad Horse squints. “I don’t… I—what?” He cocks his head to the side. “What?”

“Okay. So what I’m asking is—”

Jaxie leans in. “We’ve got one minute before the panel ends.”

“—and that was all!” I give the mic to R5h, still waiting behind me, and I shoot some fingerguns at the panelists. “Great panel, guys! Heyoo.”

I go back to my seat.

“Well,” I say, sitting down. Octavia Harmony and Majin are there with me. “That went we—”

“That was fucking undecipherable.”