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Facade Stageplay - Adventures of Edward the nub #1

EmZee712
Jul 15th, 2014
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  1. FACADE STAGEPLAY
  2. Tue Jul 15 23 59 19 2014
  3.  
  4. TRIP
  5. Where are the new wine glasses?
  6.  
  7. GRACE
  8. What for?
  9.  
  10. TRIP
  11. That should be obvious!
  12.  
  13. GRACE
  14. Oh God, Trip, don't turn this into a big production, please!
  15.  
  16. ED
  17. Knock, Knock
  18.  
  19. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  20.  
  21. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  22.  
  23. TRIP
  24. Jesus Grace, come on, I'm not asking a lot here! -- (interrupted)
  25.  
  26. TRIP
  27. Uhp, he's here!
  28.  
  29. GRACE
  30. What?! You said he's coming an hour from now!
  31.  
  32. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  33.  
  34. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  35.  
  36. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  37.  
  38. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  39.  
  40. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  41.  
  42. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  43.  
  44. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  45.  
  46. TRIP
  47. No, he's supposed to be here now!
  48.  
  49. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  50.  
  51. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  52.  
  53. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  54.  
  55. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  56.  
  57. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  58.  
  59. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  60.  
  61. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  62.  
  63. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  64.  
  65. GRACE
  66. Trip...!
  67.  
  68. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  69.  
  70. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  71.  
  72. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  73.  
  74. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  75.  
  76. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  77.  
  78. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  79.  
  80. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  81.  
  82. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  83.  
  84. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  85.  
  86. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  87.  
  88. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  89.  
  90. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  91.  
  92. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  93.  
  94. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  95.  
  96. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  97.  
  98. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  99.  
  100. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  101.  
  102. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  103.  
  104. (ED knocks on the front door.)
  105.  
  106. (Trip opens the front door.)
  107.  
  108. TRIP
  109. Ed!!
  110.  
  111. TRIP
  112. Hey! God it's been so long since we've seen you! -- (interrupted)
  113.  
  114. ED
  115. What a terrific audience.
  116.  
  117. TRIP
  118. Uh...
  119.  
  120. TRIP
  121. Well come on in...
  122.  
  123. (ED hugs trip.)
  124.  
  125. TRIP
  126. Uh, it'll be just a sec while I go get Grace...
  127.  
  128. GRACE
  129. No, no, here we are!
  130.  
  131. GRACE
  132. Ed,
  133.  
  134. GRACE
  135. Hi! How are you? I'm so happy to see you after so long!
  136.  
  137. TRIP
  138. Hey, that's what I said! -- (interrupted)
  139.  
  140. ED
  141. Gee, hello
  142.  
  143. GRACE
  144. Oh, ha ha ha!
  145.  
  146. GRACE
  147. And I have to say, you look great.
  148.  
  149. GRACE
  150. Make yourself at home, come on in!
  151.  
  152. ED
  153. I'm stinky.
  154.  
  155. GRACE
  156. Uh...
  157.  
  158. (Trip closes the front door.)
  159.  
  160. TRIP
  161. Ed, let me get you a drink.
  162.  
  163. TRIP
  164. Good news, I just fully -- (interrupted)
  165.  
  166. (ED hugs grace.)
  167.  
  168. GRACE
  169. Oh, heh, you're hugging me...
  170.  
  171. (ED hugs grace.)
  172.  
  173. TRIP
  174. Oh, well that was nice, I'm sure Grace appreciates that. -- (interrupted)
  175.  
  176. (ED hugs grace.)
  177.  
  178. GRACE
  179. Oh, that's --oh
  180.  
  181. TRIP
  182. Oh, that's nice Grace, I think a hug was just what you needed. -- (interrupted)
  183.  
  184. (ED hugs grace.)
  185.  
  186. (ED hugs grace.)
  187.  
  188. TRIP
  189. So! Drinks!
  190.  
  191. TRIP
  192. What would you like?
  193.  
  194. TRIP
  195. How about something fun,
  196.  
  197. ED
  198. Wine
  199.  
  200. TRIP
  201. like margaritas?
  202.  
  203. TRIP
  204. Oh, oh, yeah, that sounds even better! Great!
  205.  
  206. GRACE
  207. No no,
  208.  
  209. GRACE
  210. Ed, maybe you'd like some juice, or a mineral water?
  211.  
  212. TRIP
  213. uhh... -- (interrupted)
  214.  
  215. ED
  216. Martini
  217.  
  218. TRIP
  219. Oh, oh, yeah, that sounds even better! Great!
  220.  
  221. ED
  222. Because I'm gay
  223.  
  224. TRIP
  225. Alright! That's what I wanted to hear! It'll just take me a short minute here. -- (interrupted)
  226.  
  227. TRIP
  228. If that's how you feel... uhh... (annoyed sigh)
  229.  
  230. GRACE
  231. So anyway,
  232.  
  233. GRACE
  234. (little sigh) You know Trip, he never gets tired of making fancy drinks for whoever will indulge him.
  235.  
  236. TRIP
  237. (quiet humming)
  238.  
  239. TRIP
  240. Grace, I assume you want your usual... 'a lovely, very cold glass of Chardonnay'.
  241.  
  242. GRACE
  243. Yes. A glass of Chardonnay would be nice.
  244.  
  245. TRIP
  246. Yes, dear.
  247.  
  248. TRIP
  249. Oh, Ed, take -- (interrupted)
  250.  
  251. PHONE
  252. ** RING **
  253.  
  254. GRACE
  255. Oh, I'll get it --
  256.  
  257. TRIP
  258. No, no no no, our friend's here, we can let the answering machine get it.
  259.  
  260. PHONE
  261. ** RING **
  262.  
  263. ED
  264. Thats for me
  265.  
  266. TRIP
  267. What? Wait, wait, let's just wait for the answering machine...
  268.  
  269. PHONE
  270. ** RING **
  271.  
  272. ED
  273. no
  274.  
  275. (ED picks up the phone.)
  276.  
  277. PHONE
  278. Hello? Hello?
  279.  
  280. TRIP
  281. Ed, no! Don't do that.
  282.  
  283. ED
  284. hi
  285.  
  286. PHONE
  287. Who is this? Travis, is that you? This is your mother.
  288.  
  289. TRIP
  290. Uhh, that's my mother, I can hear her loud voice.
  291.  
  292. ED
  293. Hello mother
  294.  
  295. PHONE
  296. I don't recognize your voice...
  297.  
  298. GRACE
  299. Oh!
  300.  
  301. PHONE
  302. I -- I think I have the wrong number... ** click **
  303.  
  304. TRIP
  305. Okay, she's confused, as usual... just -- just hang it up.
  306.  
  307. (ED puts down the phone.)
  308.  
  309. TRIP
  310. Oh, good, you hung up. I don't want to talk to her.
  311.  
  312. TRIP
  313. You know what I'm just going to put this on the bar for you.
  314.  
  315. GRACE
  316. Anyhow, Trip's parents... They're sweet people, really down to earth --
  317.  
  318. TRIP
  319. Uhh, no, they're ignorant, they wouldn't know what a cumberbund from a cucumber.
  320.  
  321. (ED picks up a player's drink.)
  322.  
  323. GRACE
  324. (frustrated sigh)
  325.  
  326. (ED sips his player's drink.)
  327.  
  328. GRACE
  329. Okay, well, I was worried there for a bit you were on Trip's side tonight, ha ha.
  330.  
  331. (ED sips his player's drink.)
  332.  
  333. (ED sips his player's drink.)
  334.  
  335. GRACE
  336. So, Ed, ha, maybe you can give me your honest opinion about where I went wrong with my new decorating, uhh...
  337.  
  338. (ED sips his player's drink.)
  339.  
  340. (ED sips his player's drink.)
  341.  
  342. (ED sips his player's drink.)
  343.  
  344. (ED sips his player's drink.)
  345.  
  346. (ED sips his player's drink.)
  347.  
  348. TRIP
  349. Oh, Grace, no, no, h -- how can you say that? -- (interrupted)
  350.  
  351. GRACE
  352. (little sigh) -- (interrupted)
  353.  
  354. ED
  355. it stinks.
  356.  
  357. (Trip sips his Trip's drink.)
  358.  
  359. TRIP
  360. W -- wait, wait, wait... uh, take a -- take a closer look... You have to let it soak in a little while before you say anything.
  361.  
  362. (ED puts down a player's drink.)
  363.  
  364. (ED picks up a Grace's drink.)
  365.  
  366. (ED sips his Grace's drink.)
  367.  
  368. GRACE
  369. So, about my decorating... -- (interrupted)
  370.  
  371. ED
  372. No
  373.  
  374. TRIP
  375. Ah, see, I knew he would like it! I knew you would like it, everybody does.
  376.  
  377. GRACE
  378. (little sigh) -- (interrupted)
  379.  
  380. ED
  381. It's really really bad.
  382.  
  383. GRACE
  384. Oh, well...
  385.  
  386. (ED sips his Grace's drink.)
  387.  
  388. (ED sips his Grace's drink.)
  389.  
  390. GRACE
  391. (little sigh) So this couch seemed like the right choice at the time...
  392.  
  393. (ED sips his Grace's drink.)
  394.  
  395. (ED sips his Grace's drink.)
  396.  
  397. (ED sips his Grace's drink.)
  398.  
  399. (ED sips his Grace's drink.)
  400.  
  401. GRACE
  402. but now I can see I should have chosen a simple, comfortable love seat.
  403.  
  404. (ED sips his Grace's drink.)
  405.  
  406. (ED sips his Grace's drink.)
  407.  
  408. (ED sips his Grace's drink.)
  409.  
  410. (ED sips his Grace's drink.)
  411.  
  412. TRIP
  413. Oh no, no... Ed, it's a nice couch...
  414.  
  415. ED
  416. Should have chosen a pink vinyl
  417.  
  418. GRACE
  419. Oh, really?
  420.  
  421. TRIP
  422. Well, well, I was right Grace, you're the only one unhappy with your decorating.
  423.  
  424. (ED puts down a Grace's drink.)
  425.  
  426. GRACE
  427. Oh. Okay. I just thought you understood me, that's all.
  428.  
  429. GRACE
  430. Hmm, I'm going to return most of this anyhow. I have to redo this room. -- (interrupted)
  431.  
  432. ED
  433. No you're just unhappy
  434.  
  435. (ED hugs trip.)
  436.  
  437. GRACE
  438. You...
  439.  
  440. GRACE
  441. You think I'm...
  442.  
  443. GRACE
  444. depressed...
  445.  
  446. TRIP
  447. Ha ha, ha, oh, you're -- (interrupted)
  448.  
  449. ED
  450. Not without my penis you are
  451.  
  452. TRIP
  453. uh... uh, heh heh...
  454.  
  455. GRACE
  456. uh...!
  457.  
  458. TRIP
  459. god, I don't, um...
  460.  
  461. (ED points to the wedding photo.)
  462.  
  463. (ED points to the wedding photo.)
  464.  
  465. GRACE
  466. (nervous coughing)
  467.  
  468. (ED points to the wedding photo.)
  469.  
  470. (ED points to the wedding photo.)
  471.  
  472. (ED points to the wedding photo.)
  473.  
  474. (ED points to the wedding photo.)
  475.  
  476. TRIP
  477. you, um...
  478.  
  479. (ED points to the wedding photo.)
  480.  
  481. (ED points to the wedding photo.)
  482.  
  483. (ED points to the wedding photo.)
  484.  
  485. (ED points to the wedding photo.)
  486.  
  487. (ED points to the wedding photo.)
  488.  
  489. (ED points to the wedding photo.)
  490.  
  491. GRACE
  492. ha ha ha ha ha, heh...
  493.  
  494. (ED points to the wedding photo.)
  495.  
  496. TRIP
  497. ha ha, heh...
  498.  
  499. (ED points to the wedding photo.)
  500.  
  501. (ED points to the wedding photo.)
  502.  
  503. (ED points to the wedding photo.)
  504.  
  505. (ED points to the wedding photo.)
  506.  
  507. (ED points to the wedding photo.)
  508.  
  509. (ED points to the wedding photo.)
  510.  
  511. TRIP
  512. ha ha ha!
  513.  
  514. (ED points to the wedding photo.)
  515.  
  516. (ED points to the wedding photo.)
  517.  
  518. (ED points to the wedding photo.)
  519.  
  520. GRACE
  521. ha ha ha ha ha!!
  522.  
  523. TRIP
  524. Ha ha ha, heh, Ed,
  525.  
  526. GRACE
  527. heh heh heh...
  528.  
  529. TRIP
  530. heh, you had me going there for a sec...
  531.  
  532. ED
  533. What a terrific audience.
  534.  
  535. TRIP
  536. heh, ha ha...
  537.  
  538. TRIP
  539. You're not afraid to say anything, are you?
  540.  
  541. TRIP
  542. push our little buttons...
  543.  
  544. TRIP
  545. heh heh, you're crazy, heh, you know that?
  546.  
  547. TRIP
  548. heh, ha ha...
  549.  
  550. ED
  551. I'm gay.
  552.  
  553. TRIP
  554. (big sigh)
  555.  
  556. TRIP
  557. Anyway... what were we talking about, heh?
  558.  
  559. GRACE
  560. (big sigh)
  561.  
  562. GRACE
  563. Oh God, Ed, I hope you didn't come here tonight to be entertained...
  564.  
  565. TRIP
  566. What?
  567.  
  568. GRACE
  569. Trip, have you noticed, we're fighting in front of our friend. -- (interrupted)
  570.  
  571. (ED hugs grace.)
  572.  
  573. GRACE
  574. W -- well, we're fighting.
  575.  
  576. TRIP
  577. Grace, come on, it's not helping things for you to say that... -- (interrupted)
  578.  
  579. (ED hugs grace.)
  580.  
  581. TRIP
  582. W -- wait, wait, b - but, no no, w - we're -- we're not disagreeing.
  583.  
  584. TRIP
  585. Ed, I -- I want you to look at this photo from our recent trip to Italy...
  586.  
  587. (Trip sips his Trip's drink.)
  588.  
  589. GRACE
  590. (impatient sigh) Trip, maybe our friend would prefer --
  591.  
  592. TRIP
  593. Grace, just because you don't like it, doesn't mean our friend won't... -- (interrupted)
  594.  
  595. ED
  596. Italy stinks.
  597.  
  598. TRIP
  599. What?!
  600.  
  601. GRACE
  602. Trip, Trip, it's alright, our friend is just giving you a bit of a hard time tonight, you're a man, you can take it.
  603.  
  604. ED
  605. Italy is full of poo-poo.
  606.  
  607. TRIP
  608. Ed, w - what's the deal?
  609.  
  610. GRACE
  611. Trip, he's probably just kidding around -- -- (interrupted)
  612.  
  613. TRIP
  614. You know, we didn't invite you over here to hear that...
  615.  
  616. GRACE
  617. Okay, alright, he hears you.
  618.  
  619. TRIP
  620. No no, no no, it's uh, it's fine, it's fine...
  621.  
  622. ED
  623. That sounds like a personal issue.
  624.  
  625. TRIP
  626. Oh, yeah, yeah, uh,
  627.  
  628. TRIP
  629. Ed, I have to tell you about our recent trip to Italy!
  630.  
  631. GRACE
  632. Trip, he doesn't want to hear --
  633.  
  634. TRIP
  635. Y -- yeah, yeah, I'll tell you about it in a sec.
  636.  
  637. (ED comforts trip.)
  638.  
  639. TRIP
  640. Oh, heh, you're hugging me...
  641.  
  642. (ED comforts trip.)
  643.  
  644. GRACE
  645. How nice of you. Isn't it good to see our friend -- (interrupted)
  646.  
  647. TRIP
  648. Oh, ha ha, I --
  649.  
  650. GRACE
  651. Oh, well... you seem to remember how much Trip likes getting attention.
  652.  
  653. (ED comforts trip.)
  654.  
  655. GRACE
  656. Ed, stop that, it's embarrassing already, God! -- (interrupted)
  657.  
  658. ED
  659. He loves my attention.
  660.  
  661. ED
  662. You were never able to satisfy him
  663.  
  664. (ED comforts trip.)
  665.  
  666. (ED comforts trip.)
  667.  
  668. (ED comforts trip.)
  669.  
  670. TRIP
  671. (little sigh) (clears throat)
  672.  
  673. ED
  674. Trip remember, us?
  675.  
  676. TRIP
  677. Y -- y - yeah uh, uh, come take a look!
  678.  
  679. (ED comforts trip.)
  680.  
  681. (ED comforts trip.)
  682.  
  683. TRIP
  684. (little sigh) (clears throat)
  685.  
  686. ED
  687. No, remember... You... and I
  688.  
  689. (ED comforts trip.)
  690.  
  691. TRIP
  692. Y -- yeah -- w -- wait...
  693.  
  694. TRIP
  695. (little sigh) (clears throat)
  696.  
  697. ED
  698. And the sweet butt sex.
  699.  
  700. (ED comforts trip.)
  701.  
  702. (ED hugs trip.)
  703.  
  704. (ED hugs trip.)
  705.  
  706. (ED comforts trip.)
  707.  
  708. TRIP
  709. uhh...
  710.  
  711. (ED comforts trip.)
  712.  
  713. GRACE
  714. Where is...
  715.  
  716. TRIP
  717. What did you...
  718.  
  719. (ED comforts trip.)
  720.  
  721. (ED comforts trip.)
  722.  
  723. GRACE
  724. He's...
  725.  
  726. (ED comforts trip.)
  727.  
  728. (ED comforts trip.)
  729.  
  730. TRIP
  731. You said...
  732.  
  733. GRACE
  734. uh...
  735.  
  736. ED
  737. Don't tell me you forgot Trip.
  738.  
  739. TRIP
  740. It's -- it's really time that we... um...
  741.  
  742. TRIP
  743. We've got to remind the, uh...
  744.  
  745. ED
  746. Don't forget your past.
  747.  
  748. (ED comforts trip.)
  749.  
  750. (ED comforts trip.)
  751.  
  752. GRACE
  753. Yeah, yeah...
  754.  
  755. TRIP
  756. the coffee guy...
  757.  
  758. ED
  759. You're gay.
  760.  
  761. GRACE
  762. make sure... uh, they don't make that mistake again...
  763.  
  764. (ED comforts trip.)
  765.  
  766. TRIP
  767. Oh, yeah, yeah...!
  768.  
  769. (ED comforts trip.)
  770.  
  771. (ED comforts trip.)
  772.  
  773. TRIP
  774. (long release sigh)
  775.  
  776. (ED comforts trip.)
  777.  
  778. TRIP
  779. yeah...
  780.  
  781. GRACE
  782. Uhh, you are impossible...!
  783.  
  784. GRACE
  785. I'm never happy...
  786.  
  787. GRACE
  788. Trip, our whole marriage, you're so... controlling!
  789.  
  790. TRIP
  791. (little impatient sigh) -- (interrupted)
  792.  
  793. ED
  794. Trip, there is something you're...
  795.  
  796. GRACE
  797. Huh? What, what was that?
  798.  
  799. ED
  800. hiding...
  801.  
  802. TRIP
  803. Goddamn... cussing...
  804.  
  805. TRIP
  806. Grace, I -- I just want to be together, and be happy, can you just see that? -- (interrupted)
  807.  
  808. GRACE
  809. Okay, I hear you, I hear you... -- (interrupted)
  810.  
  811. (ED hugs trip.)
  812.  
  813. TRIP
  814. Look, quit taking sides already, it's just going to make it worse!
  815.  
  816. (ED comforts trip.)
  817.  
  818. GRACE
  819. You and your damn parents...
  820.  
  821. GRACE
  822. Sometimes I feel like our whole marriage is just for show! I don't know what you really feel!
  823.  
  824. (ED hugs trip.)
  825.  
  826. TRIP
  827. Oh, come on...!
  828.  
  829. ED
  830. Trip, you're gay.
  831.  
  832. GRACE
  833. Okay, you know what, Ed,
  834.  
  835. ED
  836. Just say it.
  837.  
  838. GRACE
  839. I'm going to ask you something.
  840.  
  841. TRIP
  842. Grace --
  843.  
  844. GRACE
  845. Trip, let me ask our guest a question.
  846.  
  847. ED
  848. I'm stinky.
  849.  
  850. GRACE
  851. Ed, yes or no...
  852.  
  853. (ED hugs trip.)
  854.  
  855. GRACE
  856. If there was a thing about yourself you didn't like, but your husband or wife likes it, is it still okay to hide it? -- (interrupted)
  857.  
  858. ED
  859. No
  860.  
  861. (ED hugs trip.)
  862.  
  863. (ED hugs trip.)
  864.  
  865. GRACE
  866. Look, you don't need answer, I don't need to hear anymore!
  867.  
  868. (ED hugs trip.)
  869.  
  870. GRACE
  871. Trip, I can't take this denial anymore... You're suppressing yourself, you're so... fake! I hate it!
  872.  
  873. TRIP
  874. Oh, come on...!
  875.  
  876. TRIP
  877. Uhh! Yeah, go on, go away!
  878.  
  879. TRIP
  880. I can't even frigging look at you.
  881.  
  882. (ED comforts trip.)
  883.  
  884. TRIP
  885. Goddammit, Grace!
  886.  
  887. ED
  888. Trip, now we're alone...
  889.  
  890. TRIP
  891. Wait, what, are you trying to explain this to me?
  892.  
  893. GRACE
  894. What, Trip? Are you trying to talk to me?
  895.  
  896. ED
  897. Wanna kiss?
  898.  
  899. TRIP
  900. What's it to you?
  901.  
  902. (ED comforts trip.)
  903.  
  904. TRIP
  905. Ed, this has never ever happened before...! -- (interrupted)
  906.  
  907. (ED comforts trip.)
  908.  
  909. GRACE
  910. Ed, (annoyed sigh) Trip can -- (interrupted)
  911.  
  912. (ED comforts trip.)
  913.  
  914. TRIP
  915. No, uhh... Ed, what I need is to figure out what hell is going here...
  916.  
  917. ED
  918. Get out of here Grace
  919.  
  920. TRIP
  921. Alright, Ed, that's it, you've got to leave.
  922.  
  923. (Trip opens the front door.)
  924.  
  925. ED
  926. No Trip, what about us
  927.  
  928. TRIP
  929. We'll be fine -- you just have to go.
  930.  
  931. (Trip closes the front door.)
  932.  
  933. ED
  934. wow what an audience.
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