[1/14/2014 9:44:38 PM] ♔ 삭시마: I know. Still, it's better to let you know.
[1/14/2014 10:45:44 PM] 「ᴊᴀʏɴᴀʙᴇʟʟᴇ ✿」: He's in the other room now so I may be able to explain things but if I disappear he came back lol.

So basically, I'll try to keep it short, Zac has been sleeping a lot. We haven't spent much time together and all he really does lately is work, eat and sleep all day. We were supposed to spend last night together because today is his day off and he came home, showered then went to sleep. Him sleeping constantly had been weighing on me for a bit because I spend all day alone in his room then he comes home and just wants to sleep, usually, or doesn't want to initiate anything between us. Even though it bothered me I let him go to bed and he went into the guest room so I could record.

While he was sleeping, my mom called and I was kind of dismissive. So she ends up sending me this: [ long text from my mom coming ]
[1/14/2014 10:46:40 PM] 「ᴊᴀʏɴᴀʙᴇʟʟᴇ ✿」: To sum up how you made me feel when we talked earlier...hurt,numb,and extremely sad. The worst part is that you're probably completely oblivious and\or indifferent to this fact. And will be quick to dismiss my feelings as me being overly sensitive but the fact remains that I did NOT Feel As if I were talking to my daughter, you are like a stranger I desire to know but you wont let me close to you...you seem to be making every effort to physically and emotionally distance yourself from me,to maintain a certain level of autonomy does it require you to be so hurtful towards me??? Everytime I go to dial your number I feel as if I'm being invasive or stalkerish...when you left with Zach to Florida, I should say the way that you left sent a loud and clear message to me of how you feel about me and the level of respect you have for me as your mother. It wasn't normal how you left. You didn't
 give me a chance to know Zach and apparently he didn't want to know me either..he was more interested in being your night and shining armor sweeping you away from a life of drudgery. How else could I view this whole chain of events? I've tried to be supportive and  see things your way but I highly doubt that you have put yourself in my shoes as your mother. Why wouldn't I view your actions as selfish and inconsiderate? I don't feel I've deserved you've chosen to deal with me when deciding to leave and little effort you've shown in keeping or establishing or maintaining any connection we may or may not have as mother and daughter...its sad that that our relationship has come to this...as much love, sacrifice, effort, and time I've spent mothering you over the years(good and bad yrs) despite the hard times, I ultimately believed that you and I would become closer as mother and daughter
 at some point..I  NEVER thought our relationship would end up like this. NEVER NEVER NEVER! I have failed MISERABLY as a parent..I wasn't able to foster a loving,caring relationship between you and I...Its sooo heartbreaking to admit, but sooo undeniable
[1/14/2014 10:47:11 PM] 「ᴊᴀʏɴᴀʙᴇʟʟᴇ ✿」: [/end text]
[1/14/2014 10:48:02 PM] ♔ 삭시마: That's . . . heartbreaking.
[1/14/2014 10:48:17 PM] ♔ 삭시마: . . . Your mom's vocabulary is really good.
[1/14/2014 10:48:36 PM] 「ᴊᴀʏɴᴀʙᴇʟʟᴇ ✿」: So that kind I devestated me a bit because mommy issues and I've vented before about it in CB but it's hard for me to express myself with certain people and it's not that I don't care I just have this barrier up and it's really hard to just be like I love you I appreciate you I have no idea what I would do if something happened to you because it tears me up. SO,
[1/14/2014 10:55:11 PM] ♔ 삭시마: Oh. That was supposed to be a period. I was waiting for you to continue because it was a comma. Haaaaha. HA. Sorry.
[1/14/2014 10:55:30 PM] ♔ 삭시마: oh
[1/14/2014 10:55:32 PM] ♔ 삭시마: god ok im sorry
[1/14/2014 10:55:34 PM] 「ᴊᴀʏɴᴀʙᴇʟʟᴇ ✿」: Nooo
[1/14/2014 10:55:37 PM] 「ᴊᴀʏɴᴀʙᴇʟʟᴇ ✿」: It's a comma
[1/14/2014 10:55:39 PM] 「ᴊᴀʏɴᴀʙᴇʟʟᴇ ✿」: I'm typing
[1/14/2014 10:55:48 PM] 「ᴊᴀʏɴᴀʙᴇʟʟᴇ ✿」: Just on phone so derp
[1/14/2014 10:55:49 PM] ♔ 삭시마: sorry sorry im sorry ok i will wait
[1/14/2014 11:06:48 PM] 「ᴊᴀʏɴᴀʙᴇʟʟᴇ ✿」: I was just completely distraught and decided to come into the guest room and wake Zac up to talk. So I woke him up and first let him know that I missed him and wished we could spend more time together and was sad that it seemed like all he wanted to do was sleep. Then, I told him what my mom said and how I felt alone like neither of my parents [ my dad flipped his shit about me being here and told me I was a bad daughter and stupid and just rebelling and disrespected him blah ] needed/ should have  me around and that I just hurt people and on top of that he [ Zac ] doesn't seem to care if we spend time together.

His reaction to this was to ask me what the point of all of that was and basically he said he was mad at me for coming in and waking him up at 4 in the morning to talk about my feelings. He literally said "like, really? I'm tired enough to fall asleep and you just come in here to WAKE me up to complain about me sleeping and talk about your feelings?"

So I apologized and told him I wouldn't have bothered him if I knew it would be a problem and that I thought it would be alright for us to talk and he wouldn't be mad at me. I told him I got advice that I should communicate with him since he's my boyfriend and I thought with what my mom did I should confide in him. I told him if it weren't for her text I wasn't going to bother him about the sleeping thing until later. He then proceeded to get angry at me for talking to people about our relationship and getting advice. He said his ex girlfriend used to bash him with her friends and that I should know better basically because the other day he like went off about how much he hated her to me. So I was like um so i can't talk to my friends because you hate your ex girlfriend? Like I'm not allowed to get advice or talk to you guys without him guilting me.

Then he got mad at me about the spending time together thing because he doesn't feel like we have to do something together to be spending time together. I mentioned something like a movie or date night with us and he said he felt like it was clinical to do things like that. I said "it's not" and explained my intention isn't to schedule love as he put it, but just to have something consistent that we can do together so it's not just eat shower sleep like we've been married for thirty years.

He then got really angry with me for saying "it's not" and told me that he hated when I did that and told him he was wrong. I tried to explain that as the person initiating the activity I was just trying to say it wasn't my intention to make things clinical and he got really pissed and interrupted me to say that I was telling him his feelings were wrong and at that point I flipped my shit.

I have not been as angry as I was last night in years. I told him I was done and said fuck you. Lol. It felt like I was trying so hard in that whole conversation to be calm and rational and work through it with him and he didn't even care he was going to be angry just to be angry. No matter what I said he was interrupting me aggressively and getting mad about every thing.

So I ran into the bathroom and called fuzzy to come and get me. Zac stormed into the bedroom and started helping me pack my stuff. Then he said "it's funny the moment I treat you the way you treat me it's 'fuck you'"
[1/14/2014 11:08:45 PM] 「ᴊᴀʏɴᴀʙᴇʟʟᴇ ✿」: So I explained that I was pushed over my limit by the fact tha despite everything and despite all of the talks we've had, in practice, he was still tantruming at me and being vindictive just to hurt me because he was tired and grumpy and needed a nap like a child.
[1/14/2014 11:09:14 PM] 「ᴊᴀʏɴᴀʙᴇʟʟᴇ ✿」: I talked to Nova, Zac wouldn't let me out of his sight and kept periodically saying dramatic things like that.
[1/14/2014 11:09:37 PM] 「ᴊᴀʏɴᴀʙᴇʟʟᴇ ✿」: He followed me everywhere I went, just staring, and I moved into the guest room.
[1/14/2014 11:10:56 PM] 「ᴊᴀʏɴᴀʙᴇʟʟᴇ ✿」: We talked and 'made up', kind of, but it was more of a ... I'm going to try and be civil while I'm still at your house. Fuzzy is coming to get me one of these days just to talk and spend time together. I'll be going to Nova's on Thursday. Calling my mom tomorrow to figure out a plane ticket.
[1/14/2014 11:12:24 PM] 「ᴊᴀʏɴᴀʙᴇʟʟᴇ ✿」: Zac says he wants things to work and doesn't want me to leave him and blah but I'm just like um. Like things can't change if you won't change and with the way things blow up and the things he's getting upset at me for ... I'm done I think.
[1/14/2014 11:16:19 PM | Edited 11:17:31 PM] ♔ 삭시마: I'm trying to be . . . nice. About this. Err. Ah. I'm really glad you're leaving. I think there might be something in Florida's water. Maybe.

I'm holding my breath until Thursday because Zac's behavior worries me and I'm on the edge of booking the next flight to Florida to bring you home myself.

I'm genuinely sorry that things have turned out like this because I know how excited you were half a year ago about him. This thing that he keeps doing about his ex is really irritating and I feel like there was really a wrong person and it wasn't you.
[1/14/2014 11:16:50 PM] ♔ 삭시마: I'm glad you're going home soon. It sucks ass that this all feels like one big bust, but you'll be in a more healthy enviorment there, I think.
[1/14/2014 11:18:39 PM] ♔ 삭시마: All in all, the Melanie-Conclusion is: Zac has issues and Jayn needs to gtfo while the going's good.
[1/14/2014 11:19:26 PM] ♔ 삭시마: One thing I'm really happy about though, is Fuzzy. I'm very glad he's been supporting you throughout this thing and that you're both still friends.
[1/14/2014 11:21:56 PM] ♔ 삭시마: I hope that things work out with your mom though, and that you make up. I know how hard it is for you to express yourself to other people, but she's your mom, and you love her and she loves you and everything there is bound to work out if you just sit down, have awkward stares for about ten minutes and then breakdown crying and then she'll offer you bacon, and then you can cry while you eat and then happy feels time with momma jayn and baby jayn
[1/14/2014 11:24:15 PM] ♔ 삭시마: But all in all . . . I'm really sorry, Jayn.
[1/14/2014 11:24:54 PM] ♔ 삭시마: It doesn't do much, but I wish things wouldn't have turned out like this because you don't deserve any of the bullshit you've had to deal with for these last few months.
[1/14/2014 11:33:00 PM] 「ᴊᴀʏɴᴀʙᴇʟʟᴇ ✿」: Yeah, I'm really sad too ... This has definitely been an experience though. I wish things had gone differently. I feel like Zac is kind of ... Troubled. He had unresolved issues with his family and past relationship, he has no friends at all, and he seems to blame everyone else for everything. The times he does take the blame, he cries a lot or is just apologizing to shut me up.

Last night when I was explaining the clinical thing he was just like "now you're doing the 'you're always right thing'" which is actually what set me off because ??? ? ?? It's like he can't handle being wrong. He demonizes everyone who has ever wronged him.

I just wish things had worked out ... He blames a lot of the things on my anxiety and depression like I'm ruining everything. The other night after having a breakdown over his relationship with his dad and venting about his ex, he took my hand and looked me in the eyes again "we'll get you help" and I was like whaaaat the fuuuuck cries.

I hope my mom and i have that breakthrough soon, too. Bacon and all. When I get home I'm going to try to be more receptive, she's trying ...

I'm grateful to Fuzzy too. He's been a really great friend and I don't think we'll ever not be friends. He's like family and he's been here for me through everything. It was really horrible when Zac was guilting me into not talking to him. I think I told you about that. The night he punched a tree and told me he was tempted to just dump me as his house and say fuck you and that he wanted me to stop contacting him. He doesnt like it when I tell people about the things he does ... I explained last night to my mom on the phone today while he was in here and he said afterwards "your mom is going to think I'm a violent sociopath" and I was like stares because all I did was explain exactly what happened and even he knows it sounds awful. He'd rather me keep it all to myself.

Thank you for userstanding sorry for the venting I just sigh. Like, thank you a lot.
[1/14/2014 11:33:52 PM] ♔ 삭시마: [Tuesday, January 14, 2014 11:32 PM] 「ᴊᴀʏɴᴀʙᴇʟʟᴇ ✿」:

<<< he took my hand and looked me in the eyes again "we'll get you help" and I was like whaaaat the fuuuuck cries. okay so i kind of just died of laughter im sorry
[1/14/2014 11:34:07 PM] ♔ 삭시마: thats like grade-a tv drama stuff and omfg
[1/14/2014 11:34:33 PM] ♔ 삭시마: Yeah, you told me. That wasn't cool either.
[1/14/2014 11:35:46 PM] ♔ 삭시마: I don't mind. I'm very glad that I've become someone you can talk to like this. It makes me happy.
[1/14/2014 11:35:59 PM] ♔ 삭시마: not the like bad stuff that you talk to me about
[1/14/2014 11:36:01 PM] ♔ 삭시마: but like you know
[1/14/2014 11:36:06 PM] ♔ 삭시마: . . . that you talk to me
[1/14/2014 11:36:16 PM] ♔ 삭시마: . . . . . . . sorry
[1/14/2014 11:36:53 PM] ♔ 삭시마: Your empathy with the Zac thing is holy, I have to tell you. I can see where you're coming from but jesus lord i cannot deal with that
[1/14/2014 11:52:02 PM] 「ᴊᴀʏɴᴀʙᴇʟʟᴇ ✿」: Yeaaaaah. It's all good lol.

I dunno. I just. Aaah. I feel like everyone has issues and I feel like when you commit to someone there's a level of acceptance you need. I've kind of reached my cap because he doesn't seem willing to budge but I feel awful. And he's like integrated himself into KHV and I'm just like aaaaah at the demonizing to come and am worried about my friends hating me. He tried to vent to Nova last night but he wasn't around and I'm just like oh god my Nova thinking I'm some massive bitch.
[1/14/2014 11:52:13 PM] 「ᴊᴀʏɴᴀʙᴇʟʟᴇ ✿」: I can't. v n v