This will probably a really long text. But I need to get rid of some stuff which chase me now for a really long time. Everytime I want to start anew, I get chased by my past (which is all ingame). It all started when I met someone through the forum marriage post  on Odin. We talked a lot ingame, spend some time together, which was all nice and all. But in the end I felt that he wasnt the one I looked for, his personality mirrored somehow myself and scared me. He did mention something about a certain FC, having some other lgbt people in it, but also told me he has a bad past with the leader of the FC. Few days later I decided to stop writing him, but also felt pretty lonely again. I was dumb, I admit, but I thought I might find new people and maybe make other friendships. So I thought it was a good idea to send an application to the said FC. I ended up talking to the FC Leader, which asked me why his fc, how did I found about them, why I would like to join them. I was thinking that being honest would be best, so I mentioned the name of that person I met few days before, which resulted in big drama, making myself vulnerable, and that other guy. I wish I wouldnt of get involved in them, but whats past is past.
Few months later, I met someone on Shiva who also posted something in the marriage thread. Contacted him through discord and thought I would make a new friend. In the end, with all things done in the past, I wanted to start a new sort of start. So I moved to Shiva, which was maybe hasty, but also kind of needed. I met with that new person on shiva, 2 other gay people. In the end, I was like cool, I'll make even more friends, but it turned out completely wrong once again... That said 3 persons had some weird relationship ongoing, which wasnt an official "relationship". I thought I could control it and keep myself out of their business. But I got involved in it, by allowing myself to like someone who's being like by 2 others. You could see them how they would chase him in dutys, how they would sit on him, how they would ask him to be alone. At first I thought that I dont care, but the more I spend my time with that one, I ended up liking him. He responded to me the same when I actually confessed, but also mentioned that everything would be "open" nothing is binding and we can still meet we want.
At first, I was okay with it, but as you all probably now the more time you spend with someone, the more you fell for them. So I did. But at the same time, the one person who introduced me to them started noticing, and I didnt want to lie and hide it from him also. I thought it wouldnt be fair, but in which position am I to be fair anyway? He fell for him in first place alongside that other guy, but knowing he wouldnt be ready for a relationship, I thought it wouldnt work out with them anyway. Then again, nothing is "promised", everythings "open" right? I thought I could do whatever I want, so I decided to keep going and to look for my own "happiness". This kept going maybe for 2 weeks, with other bothersome moments and also weird situations with that person who introduced me to others. He kept bugging me with questions everyday, on whatsapp, on discord, ingame - if I ever did certain things with him, if I could show him some chat logs cause he would like to see how he's writing me, which just got more and more on my nerves. Telling him to stop asking me these things, stop being nosy - he never listened and respected what I asked him.
Then again  at same time, you would see how they're all still sitting on him and chasing him like crazy. I couldnt help it, I didnt like it, I told him (the person I liked) that Im against it and that if I like someone, I would like to make things more clear. Why would you keep someone "waiting" if you like him as well? In the end, I made another mistake. That nosy, curious person texted me one more time on whatsapp, asking me again stupid things, I couldnt help it. I literally exploded, I was being an asshole, I said things Im not proud of I admit. But then again, I had to get rid of these things, cause everything piled up so much. But also at same time, he used everything I wrote and copy/pasted to the person, I had no chance to explain things, I had no chance to make things clear, in a good way. I probably didn’t deserve it anyway, but what would you do if someone’s keep bugging you, keep asking you, keep chasing you like crazy?
I couldn’t do much, so I stopped playing FF14 for a while, logged in maybe for events and that’s it.
The thing I wanted to talk about is, that I keep meeting new people, either here on the dc server, or the forums, that they’re kinda connected or befriended to those people I met. I had 2 times the pleasure to make such acquaintances. Both of them resulting telling me Im a nice guy but my past being to “colorful” and with that message an immediate block and “running away”. I know I did mistakes, I know I got involved in things I wish I kept my distance to. But how can I make things good again? How can I atone for it? Do I have to fear that those persons will always strike in my life? So they would protect others from me, cause Im such an evil person? I met a lot of unfairness with all these situations as well. Wouldn’t I involved myself into those both situations, maybe I wouldn’t have to worry about it right now and type this wall of text in here. I feel exhausted trying to start a new, trying to find someone to play together. Even though I said I just want friends to hang out with, most here come up with being in that mood and asking for things. While I don’t say it’s a bad thing, Im male too and I know what it means. But still, whats wrong here please? I really don’t know what to do anymore. Making a new character? Why should I, my main is geared, is raiding, has a house, crafters.. Moving to another server? No chance, those people still stalk/chase me through Lodestone or they still have me on their friendlist.. All I want is just to leave my past being past and not to worry about those things when I meet new players. Im sorry for the huge texts, hope to see some answers though..