PAPERlight: A Tale of Not Doing It

"What is this?"
>"It's my research paper!"
>You hold the hefty pile of papers in your hand
>This is definitely not a research paper
"This looks like a novel."
>"Oh... Um, okay, maybe... Maybe it's not the research paper Celestia told me to write. BUT, it's still a lot of writing. It's two hundred thousand words of fanfiction!"
>You do a double take
"Fanfiction? Celestia told you to write a research paper, and you wrote TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND WORDS OF FANFICTION?!"
>Twilight smiles awkwardly, scratching at the back of her head with one hoof
>"W-When you put it that way, it sounds... Bad."
"You think?"
>"Okay, but, so, this is a My Little Human fanfiction. BUT, it's the spin-off where they go to the pony world! And so, the main character, Kristen Stewart, she's like this misanthropic 4channer who hates normies and autists and—"
>You put a hand over her mouth
>Just hearing about her autism fiction was hurting you
"Twilight. Do your fucking work. How long ago were you supposed to start?"
>"Three months ago."
>Jesus...
"How much time do you have left?"
>Twilight rubs a hoof along her chin
>"Uh..."
"Twilight."
>She lets out an awkward laugh
>"Oh, you know. Five days. It's FINE! IT'S FINE! I can write it. I can. It'll take me like three days, tops. Psh. This is baby work, Anon. Trust me. Seriously. I'm going to do it. But, uh, I just, you know, LOVE fanfiction so much. It's just being good with my time. Why waste time on the paper when I can just do it in three days? Celestia already gave me two extensions, and has been telling everyone about how great it is, because I lied about doing it, and—"
"Jesus... JUST DO THE FUCKING PAPER!"
>"FINE! God... See, look! I-I'm writing."
>A quill hovers above a page and you lean over to observe
>'K-Kristen, b-but we're both g-girls! O-Oh~'
"TWILIGHT!"
>"I CAN'T! HELP! SOMEPONY! AH! IT'S FINE. IT'LL GET DONE. WHY WON'T IT GET DONE? CELESTIA IS COUNTING ON ME. IT'LL GET DONE."
>You squat and begin screaming
"JUST DO IT!"

>Twilight collapses onto the floor of the Golden Oak Library, screaming
>Then, she begins rolling around
>"FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK," she repeats, over and over
>Ever once in a while she throws in a "I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF HOLY SHIT" just to add some spice
>You watch the small pony as she throws her tantrum on the floor
"Twilight."
>"FUCK FUCK FUCK I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF HOLY SHIT FUCK"
"TWILIGHT!"
>You hold her by the forelegs and shake her
>That seems to get her attention
>There's this 'thousand yard stare' quality to her eyes, staring straight up at the ceiling
"Twilight, pull yourself together. Just do the fucking paper. You told Celestia you were going to do it. She gave you extensions. She's been telling other ponies about it. Just do it, or you'll dig the hole even deeper."
>"The hole's so deep already. I should just dig deeper. Maybe I can come out the other side. Just pout the dirt back in, Anon. Let me die."
>What a fucking drama queen
"Twilight, it's not that bad."
>Without turning her eyes off from the ceiling, she speaks
>"I went to Canterlot yesterday. Celestia had me speak to a journalist about my research. For an hour. The whole time, I just kept talking and talking about how much I loved doing this paper. Then, they brought me to the Grand Library of Canterlot, and took photos of me for a magazine. For a paper that I didn't write. They want me to write about me writing about the paper. I wrote two hundred thousand words of a spin-off fanfiction based on a little fillies' TV show instead."
"What."
>She nods slowly
"What the fuck. How... You... I... W-What?! What?! I... What the fuck?! Are you retarded?! How do you even do that?!"
>"THE PAPER WILL BE COMPLETED. IT WILL HAPPEN. I MADE IT THIS FAR. CELESTIA TRUSTS ME. PEOPLE TRUST ME. THEY THINK I'M THIS GREAT, BOOK LOVING, HARD WORKING HORSE, BUT IN REALITY I'M A RETARD!"
"You can say that again!"
>She begins screaming again
>"HOLY FUCK ANON OH MY GOD DO MY PAPER FOR ME!"
"No."

>After a few more minutes, Twilight's yelling stops, as does her tossing and turning
"You done?"
>"Yes," she replies
"Now go do your fucking paper."
>You let go of her and stand up
>And she does nothing
>This is going to be a long five days, isn't it?
"Twilight, why won't you just do it?"
>"I... I don't know. I just don't want to. I want to just write fanfiction and shitpost on the internet about Kirstin Stewart's alternate self from the Ponyverse—which is the Kirstin Stewart from before she became all famous and her personality totally changed, so she's a lot more like ORIGINAL Kristin Stewart, and—"
"OH MY GOD I DON'T CARE."
>Twilight squeals at the boom of your voice
>Too fucking bad, bookhorse
>Time for tough love
"Do your work. Fuck your feelings. Fuck what you want. Even if you're not getting paid, you told Celestia you'd—"
>"I'm getting paid."
"You're WHAT?!"
>Twilight sighs
>She's still not looking you in the eyes
>What a fucking idiot
>"Th-They paid me 4000 bits."
"They paid you 4000 bits."
>"4000 bits."
>Could Twilight be any more retarded?
>You rub a hand against your face
"Well, if you're not going to write the fucking paper, you better not have spent that fucking—"
>"I SPENT IT. OH GOD I SPENT THE MONEY ALREADY!"
>You can't believe this shit
"So. Celestia paid you, Twilight Sparkle, 4000 bits to write a paper. You've been telling her you've been writing it, you've done interviews on it, you're going to be in a magazine. And you wrote a fanfiction about a My Little Human character."
>"Y-Yes..."
>You take a deep breath
>Just help this horse, Anon
"Okay, how long does the paper need to be?"
>"J-Just 25 pages."
"JUST 25?! YOU WROTE A FUCKING GAME OF THRONES NOVEL ABOUT MLH INSTEAD OF DOING A FUCKING 25 PAGE PAPER?!"
>"I-It's not my fault! P-People r-read it!"
"Oh my God, Twilight. What's wrong with you?!"
>"NOTHING!"

>There's a knock on the door
>This is NOT the time
>You need to get Twilight to sit down and—
>"YO, MLHWRITEFAG! GOT THAT NEW PART FOR US?! IT BETTER BE SICK!"
>A mare who is clearly Rainbow Dash in a green mask waltzes into the room, accompanied by the rest of the mane 6 in terrible disguises
"MLHWritefag?"
>"Who's that? I don't know who that is..." Twilight says
>The girls form a small semi-circle around you and the prone Twilight
>"Did you know you look a lot like the 4chan mascot from MLH, Anon?" Rainbow asks
"What?"
>"You don't watch MLH? It's pretty awesome. We all get together at Twi—MLHWritefag's house dressed up in our 4chansonas"
>'4chansona'
>If you've ever heard of anything more autistic, you couldn't think of it right now
>"ANYWAYS, I'm Anon."
"I'm Anon."
>"NO, I'm the CHARACTER Anon. From 4chan. You wouldn't understand. It's 6 gorillion percent cooler than anything you like, nerd."
>God damn do you hate that blue pegasus
"We don't have time for this! Twilight needs to do her paper!"
>>"PAPER!" the mares scream in unison
>You cover your ears
"What the fuck is wrong with you guys?!"
>"It's called a meme, darling. You wouldn't understand. Twilight doesn't need to do her PAPER though. She needs to get off her cute, tiny, supply butt and start writing!"
>Twilight grunts
>"STOP TALKING ABOUT ME LIKE THAT! WHY? I DON'T UNDERSTAND! NO BULLY!"
>"I bet y'all understand what cock tastes like!"
>Twilight huffs
>"PLS NO BULLY!"
>The mares all begin bickering, screaming, and throwing sheets of paper covered in 'fanfiction' at each other
>FUCK THIS
"GIRLS! GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE LIBRARY AND LET TWILIGHT WORK!"
>"[User was banned for this post]" Pinkie says, somehow
>"LOL TWILIGHT GOT BANNED AGAIN LMAO DOOD!"
"SHUT UP! GET OUT! THIS ISN'T A '4CHAN'! THIS IS A LIBRARY! GET OUT!"
>The girls groan as you violently shove them through the exit
"AND YOU!" you scream, pointing at Twilight, "DO YOUR FUCKING PAPER!"
>"PAPER!" she screams

>She's not moving
>She's not getting up
>She's just yelling over and over now
>Is this even worth it?
>Is it actually worth it to fucking help this idiot?
>Why are you helping this absolutely retarded mare?
>Fucking 200,000 words of fanfiction...
>You walk over to her and pick her up
>A few steps to the right, you plop her plot onto a stool
>In front of her desk
>She sulks and moans
>"Ah, I don't want to! I DON'T WANNA!"
"TWILIGHT YOU ARE GOING TO FUCKING DO THIS WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! YOU HAVE PAPER. YOU HAVE QUILL. WRITE! WRITE A SINGLE FUCKING WORD!"
>"J-Just one?"
>You sigh
"Just one. Starting is the hard part. If you just write, then you'll get sucked into it, okay?"
>Twilight nods
>Next thing you know, a quill dips itself in an inkpot and hovers above the page
>"One word..."
"Twilight, just fucking do it."
>"One.... Word..."
>Twilight takes a deep breath
>Then exhales
>Deep breath...
>Exhale
>"One. Word. One word. One... One—"
"I WILL SNAP YOUR FUCKING NECK YOU STUPID HORSE. DO IT. YOU ARE LITERALLY COMMITTING FRAUD EVERY SECOND YOU DON'T WRITE. WRITE. WRITE YOU FUCKING HACK. WRITE! OH MY GOD!"
>"I-I can't when you're looking at me!"
>You shrug and turn around
>"Yeah. YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! ONE WORD! I CAN DO THIS!"
>There's the definite sound of a quill swishing through the air
>A few seconds pass
"Done?"
>"I wrote the word 'the'."
"Well, that's somethi—"
>You pause as you take a look at her paper
>IT'S FUCKING BLANK
"WHY WOULD YOU LIE ABOUT WRITING THE WORD 'THE'?! JUST FUCKING WRITE 'THE' ON THE PAGE! TWILIGHT!"
>"I have a problem."
>Now YOU scream

>Fuck this
>You're done
"Twilight. I'm coming back in five days. If you're not done, then... God help your soul."
>"It'll be done."
>There's a deluded confidence in her voice
>This fucked ACTUALLY thinks her paper will get done
>You didn't sign up for this shit
>You ain't about this life
"Well, goodbye. I'll be back."
>"Psh, it'll be fine. Not like I'm going to write even more fanfiction. It'll be done. Celestia trusts me. People trust me. I got paid to do this. It's my job. I'll do it. I swear I'll do it."
>You squint
"Right."
>With that, you turn and walk out of the Golden Oak

*FIVE DAYS LATER*

>The sun is shining
>Ponies are literally singing in the streets
>Today is a good day
>Too bad you're supposed to see Twilight today
>The Golden Oak Library comes into view, and a few minutes later, you're at the door
>You can hear... Something going on inside
>You push it open and—
>"'B-But it's t-too big for me!' MLH-chan moans as a large phallus enters her tasty boipussi.'"
>"RAINBOW DASH STOP! I TOLD YOU TO STOP MAKING WEIRD STORIES ABOUT ME FOR YOUR FANFICTION!"
>Rainbow Dash finishes reading up her incredibly strange fanfiction and then throws the paper at Twilight
>And then starts reading more
>The girls are startled by the sound of your gagging
>"A-Anon?!" Twilight exclaims sheepishly
"Oh my God, what's wrong with you guys?!"
>Rarity and Rainbow Dash high five
>"It's called 'smut', darling, and we're writing smut about MLHWritefag's delicious asshole and feminine penis!"
"WHY ARE YOU WRITING SMUT ABOUT A AN ACTUAL PERSON?!"
>"Uh, duh, because it's sick and hilarious? MLH a cute."
>You stomp into the room and pick Rainbow and Rarity up by their suits
"YOU'RE GETTING OUT OF HERE!"
>"[USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST]" Pinkie shrieks
>The others begin to laugh
>WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!
>You toss Rainbow and Rarity out
"You guys too! AND YOU BETTER HAVE THAT FUCKING PAPER DONE, TWILIGHT!"
>Twilight smiles nervously as her friends leave
>"Fucking mods."

>You slam the library door shut
>A few books fall off their shelves from the mighty blow
>Twilight knows you mean business
>The ground shakes as you approach her
"Paper."
>She giggles
>"What are you talking about?"
>You kneel down to her, face to face
"Where's that fucking paper Celestia paid you to write? That's due today?"
>"Oh, THAT paper. Well, you see... WHAT'S THAT BEHIND YOU?!"
>Your face flattens
"Twilight, I'm not falling for that."
>She's literally shaking, and you can hear her skeleton clattering together
>"U-U-Uh, A-A-Anon, th-this t-time it's f-f-for real... Th-There's s-s-something behind y-you!"
>A look of complete fear overtakes her
>There's no way that—
>The second you turn, you hear galloping
"GOD DAMN IT TWILIGHT!"
>You chase her up the stairs
>"YOU CAN'T MAKE ME DO IT! YOU CAN'T!"
"YOU'RE LITERALLY RUINING YOUR LIFE!"
>Twilight's a lot faster than she looks, and she scurries into a bathroom
>A medicine cabinet flings open, and magic begins ripping pill bottles from their home
>"OH GOD I'M SO FUCKING RETARDED!"
>You tackle her to the ground and the pills clatter over the tile floor
>"O-Ow..."
>God fucking damn it
>This fucking horse...
>What a fucking hassle
"Twilight, were you going to kill yourself over this? Are you that stupid?"
>She scoffs
>"HOW STUPID DO YOU THINK I AM?! No, I was only going to take enough to make it look like I wanted to kill myself, but NOT actually die. Then, Celestia would have no choice but to let the paper slide!"
"Twilight. Why is it so hard for you to just do your fucking paper?"
>She just starts screaming again
>You lay there on the floor, with Twilight trapped under your body, until she stops
>"C-Celestia wants to see me today... M-Maybe I can get an extension..."
>Is she THIS delusional?!
"You can't get an extension."

*ONE TRIP TO CANTERLOT LATER*

>"Yay! I got a two week extension!"
"God fucking damn it, Twilight..."

>She skips alongside you as you exit the train, heading back to the library
"How the hell did she agree to that?"
>"I just told her that I needed more time to REALLY polish it up! That I just love learning too much, and that's why it's taking so long! Then Celestia smiled at me, and told me she'd never seen a student so in love with their craft before, and gave me that extension."
>Her voice is shaky, like she's trying to pretend to brag in order to hide the fact that, underneath, she's freaking out
"Are you actually going to do it this time?"
>"Of course!"
"Mhm... No more 4chansonas?"
>Twilight nods
>"NO MORE. Ugh, I don't even know why I go there. The girls just keep making lewd comments at me for some reason. And keep calling me a 'trap'. How would they know what I am? It's 4chan! We're anonymous!"
"You meet in a fucking library. They can see you. They know you in real life. You're not anonymous at all."
>"WE'RE ROLEPLAYING AS ANONYMOUS, UGH, GOD ANON!"
>You pinch the bridge of your nose
>Fuck this '4chan' nonsense
>Sounds gay as fuck
"Just do your god damn paper this time."
>"I will... I will. I promise I will. If I don't... Well, I could always kill myself."

*TWO WEEKS LATER*

>"...Truly, we can say that Twilight Sparkle died as she lived. After trekking deep into Yak territory to help build orphanges, Twilight sadly lost her life protecting the earth from a meteor. She will be missed."
>You roll your eyes
>Yeah, this is a funeral, and maybe everyone around is crying their eyes out, but you know this is a ruse
>Fucking Twilight
>She actually did it
>She faked her own fucking death
>What a fucking—
>"THERE'S NO BODY IN THE CASKET!"
>Gasps rise through the church
>Wait, is that...
>There's a purple mare in groucho marx glasses sneaking along the wall
>Let's take a guess
>She was supposed to hop inside the casket, pretend to be dead, then sneak away for good
>But she's such a fuck up that she was literally LATE TO HER OWN FUNERAL

>Twilight walks up to the front of the crowd
>"UH, EVERYONE, TURN AROUND! LOOK, A THREE HEADED MONKEY!"
>'What?!'
>'Woah, a three headed monkey?!'
>'HOLY SHIT NO WAY!'
>Literally EVERY SINGLE PONY in attendance turns to gawk at the non-existent mythical monkey
>Fuck this place
>FUCK THIS PLACE
>Twilight quickly throws her glasses to the ground and hops inside the casket
>'Huh, I guess it must have run away or—OH MY GOD, THE BODY! IT'S A MIRACLE!'
>Everyone begins cheering
>'Twilight really was the best! Even in death we can count on her!'
>'Yeah! Too bad she never finished that paper! I was really looking forward to it!'
"FUCK YOU GUYS! FUCK THIS!"
>You stand from your seat and pick your chair up above your head, tossing it against a wall
>'Hey, this is a sacred place!'
>You rush over to the casket and begin strangling Twilight
>Ponies begin screaming in fear
>'STOP! STOP! SHE'S ALREADY DEAD!'
"TWILIGHT YOU MOTHERFUCKER YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY FROM YOUR PROBLEMS LIKE THIS!"
>Twilight begins flailing in the coffin
>'LOOK, SHE'S COME BACK TO LIFE!'
>'OH MY GOD IT'S MIRACLE!'
>You let go of Twilight and fall back in pure shock at the idiocy surrounding you
>"Yes, my people, it is true. I have risen."
>More cheering
>JESUS CHRIST
>WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!
>JESUS CHRIST?!
"JUST ADMIT YOU DIDN'T DO YOUR FUCKING PAPER!"
>"When I went to the afterlife, well, uh, you see, my paper... It was just SO good that, you know, I was able to, uh, trade the paper for my life. Yeah, that's it. So that's why I don't have it. It doesn't exist anymore. It's in the hands of ghosts now."
>'IT'S OKAY TWILIGHT, WE STILL LOVE YOU!'
>Celestia walks up to Twilight (WHEN'D SHE GET HERE?!)
>"My greatest pupil, I am so proud of you. That paper must've been some fuckin' kickin' shit."
>"It was, Celestia. It was."
"I'm out. I'm done. Fuck you guys. I'm going home."

FIN