EqGWritefag

PAPERlight: A Tale of Not Doing It

Sep 2nd, 2015
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  1. "What is this?"
  2. >"It's my research paper!"
  3. >You hold the hefty pile of papers in your hand
  4. >This is definitely not a research paper
  5. "This looks like a novel."
  6. >"Oh... Um, okay, maybe... Maybe it's not the research paper Celestia told me to write. BUT, it's still a lot of writing. It's two hundred thousand words of fanfiction!"
  7. >You do a double take
  8. "Fanfiction? Celestia told you to write a research paper, and you wrote TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND WORDS OF FANFICTION?!"
  9. >Twilight smiles awkwardly, scratching at the back of her head with one hoof
  10. >"W-When you put it that way, it sounds... Bad."
  11. "You think?"
  12. >"Okay, but, so, this is a My Little Human fanfiction. BUT, it's the spin-off where they go to the pony world! And so, the main character, Kristen Stewart, she's like this misanthropic 4channer who hates normies and autists and—"
  13. >You put a hand over her mouth
  14. >Just hearing about her autism fiction was hurting you
  15. "Twilight. Do your fucking work. How long ago were you supposed to start?"
  16. >"Three months ago."
  17. >Jesus...
  18. "How much time do you have left?"
  19. >Twilight rubs a hoof along her chin
  20. >"Uh..."
  21. "Twilight."
  22. >She lets out an awkward laugh
  23. >"Oh, you know. Five days. It's FINE! IT'S FINE! I can write it. I can. It'll take me like three days, tops. Psh. This is baby work, Anon. Trust me. Seriously. I'm going to do it. But, uh, I just, you know, LOVE fanfiction so much. It's just being good with my time. Why waste time on the paper when I can just do it in three days? Celestia already gave me two extensions, and has been telling everyone about how great it is, because I lied about doing it, and—"
  24. "Jesus... JUST DO THE FUCKING PAPER!"
  25. >"FINE! God... See, look! I-I'm writing."
  26. >A quill hovers above a page and you lean over to observe
  27. >'K-Kristen, b-but we're both g-girls! O-Oh~'
  28. "TWILIGHT!"
  29. >"I CAN'T! HELP! SOMEPONY! AH! IT'S FINE. IT'LL GET DONE. WHY WON'T IT GET DONE? CELESTIA IS COUNTING ON ME. IT'LL GET DONE."
  30. >You squat and begin screaming
  31. "JUST DO IT!"
  32.  
  33. >Twilight collapses onto the floor of the Golden Oak Library, screaming
  34. >Then, she begins rolling around
  35. >"FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK," she repeats, over and over
  36. >Ever once in a while she throws in a "I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF HOLY SHIT" just to add some spice
  37. >You watch the small pony as she throws her tantrum on the floor
  38. "Twilight."
  39. >"FUCK FUCK FUCK I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF HOLY SHIT FUCK"
  40. "TWILIGHT!"
  41. >You hold her by the forelegs and shake her
  42. >That seems to get her attention
  43. >There's this 'thousand yard stare' quality to her eyes, staring straight up at the ceiling
  44. "Twilight, pull yourself together. Just do the fucking paper. You told Celestia you were going to do it. She gave you extensions. She's been telling other ponies about it. Just do it, or you'll dig the hole even deeper."
  45. >"The hole's so deep already. I should just dig deeper. Maybe I can come out the other side. Just pout the dirt back in, Anon. Let me die."
  46. >What a fucking drama queen
  47. "Twilight, it's not that bad."
  48. >Without turning her eyes off from the ceiling, she speaks
  49. >"I went to Canterlot yesterday. Celestia had me speak to a journalist about my research. For an hour. The whole time, I just kept talking and talking about how much I loved doing this paper. Then, they brought me to the Grand Library of Canterlot, and took photos of me for a magazine. For a paper that I didn't write. They want me to write about me writing about the paper. I wrote two hundred thousand words of a spin-off fanfiction based on a little fillies' TV show instead."
  50. "What."
  51. >She nods slowly
  52. "What the fuck. How... You... I... W-What?! What?! I... What the fuck?! Are you retarded?! How do you even do that?!"
  53. >"THE PAPER WILL BE COMPLETED. IT WILL HAPPEN. I MADE IT THIS FAR. CELESTIA TRUSTS ME. PEOPLE TRUST ME. THEY THINK I'M THIS GREAT, BOOK LOVING, HARD WORKING HORSE, BUT IN REALITY I'M A RETARD!"
  54. "You can say that again!"
  55. >She begins screaming again
  56. >"HOLY FUCK ANON OH MY GOD DO MY PAPER FOR ME!"
  57. "No."
  58.  
  59. >After a few more minutes, Twilight's yelling stops, as does her tossing and turning
  60. "You done?"
  61. >"Yes," she replies
  62. "Now go do your fucking paper."
  63. >You let go of her and stand up
  64. >And she does nothing
  65. >This is going to be a long five days, isn't it?
  66. "Twilight, why won't you just do it?"
  67. >"I... I don't know. I just don't want to. I want to just write fanfiction and shitpost on the internet about Kirstin Stewart's alternate self from the Ponyverse—which is the Kirstin Stewart from before she became all famous and her personality totally changed, so she's a lot more like ORIGINAL Kristin Stewart, and—"
  68. "OH MY GOD I DON'T CARE."
  69. >Twilight squeals at the boom of your voice
  70. >Too fucking bad, bookhorse
  71. >Time for tough love
  72. "Do your work. Fuck your feelings. Fuck what you want. Even if you're not getting paid, you told Celestia you'd—"
  73. >"I'm getting paid."
  74. "You're WHAT?!"
  75. >Twilight sighs
  76. >She's still not looking you in the eyes
  77. >What a fucking idiot
  78. >"Th-They paid me 4000 bits."
  79. "They paid you 4000 bits."
  80. >"4000 bits."
  81. >Could Twilight be any more retarded?
  82. >You rub a hand against your face
  83. "Well, if you're not going to write the fucking paper, you better not have spent that fucking—"
  84. >"I SPENT IT. OH GOD I SPENT THE MONEY ALREADY!"
  85. >You can't believe this shit
  86. "So. Celestia paid you, Twilight Sparkle, 4000 bits to write a paper. You've been telling her you've been writing it, you've done interviews on it, you're going to be in a magazine. And you wrote a fanfiction about a My Little Human character."
  87. >"Y-Yes..."
  88. >You take a deep breath
  89. >Just help this horse, Anon
  90. "Okay, how long does the paper need to be?"
  91. >"J-Just 25 pages."
  92. "JUST 25?! YOU WROTE A FUCKING GAME OF THRONES NOVEL ABOUT MLH INSTEAD OF DOING A FUCKING 25 PAGE PAPER?!"
  93. >"I-It's not my fault! P-People r-read it!"
  94. "Oh my God, Twilight. What's wrong with you?!"
  95. >"NOTHING!"
  96.  
  97. >There's a knock on the door
  98. >This is NOT the time
  99. >You need to get Twilight to sit down and—
  100. >"YO, MLHWRITEFAG! GOT THAT NEW PART FOR US?! IT BETTER BE SICK!"
  101. >A mare who is clearly Rainbow Dash in a green mask waltzes into the room, accompanied by the rest of the mane 6 in terrible disguises
  102. "MLHWritefag?"
  103. >"Who's that? I don't know who that is..." Twilight says
  104. >The girls form a small semi-circle around you and the prone Twilight
  105. >"Did you know you look a lot like the 4chan mascot from MLH, Anon?" Rainbow asks
  106. "What?"
  107. >"You don't watch MLH? It's pretty awesome. We all get together at Twi—MLHWritefag's house dressed up in our 4chansonas"
  108. >'4chansona'
  109. >If you've ever heard of anything more autistic, you couldn't think of it right now
  110. >"ANYWAYS, I'm Anon."
  111. "I'm Anon."
  112. >"NO, I'm the CHARACTER Anon. From 4chan. You wouldn't understand. It's 6 gorillion percent cooler than anything you like, nerd."
  113. >God damn do you hate that blue pegasus
  114. "We don't have time for this! Twilight needs to do her paper!"
  115. >>"PAPER!" the mares scream in unison
  116. >You cover your ears
  117. "What the fuck is wrong with you guys?!"
  118. >"It's called a meme, darling. You wouldn't understand. Twilight doesn't need to do her PAPER though. She needs to get off her cute, tiny, supply butt and start writing!"
  119. >Twilight grunts
  120. >"STOP TALKING ABOUT ME LIKE THAT! WHY? I DON'T UNDERSTAND! NO BULLY!"
  121. >"I bet y'all understand what cock tastes like!"
  122. >Twilight huffs
  123. >"PLS NO BULLY!"
  124. >The mares all begin bickering, screaming, and throwing sheets of paper covered in 'fanfiction' at each other
  125. >FUCK THIS
  126. "GIRLS! GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE LIBRARY AND LET TWILIGHT WORK!"
  127. >"[User was banned for this post]" Pinkie says, somehow
  128. >"LOL TWILIGHT GOT BANNED AGAIN LMAO DOOD!"
  129. "SHUT UP! GET OUT! THIS ISN'T A '4CHAN'! THIS IS A LIBRARY! GET OUT!"
  130. >The girls groan as you violently shove them through the exit
  131. "AND YOU!" you scream, pointing at Twilight, "DO YOUR FUCKING PAPER!"
  132. >"PAPER!" she screams
  133.  
  134. >She's not moving
  135. >She's not getting up
  136. >She's just yelling over and over now
  137. >Is this even worth it?
  138. >Is it actually worth it to fucking help this idiot?
  139. >Why are you helping this absolutely retarded mare?
  140. >Fucking 200,000 words of fanfiction...
  141. >You walk over to her and pick her up
  142. >A few steps to the right, you plop her plot onto a stool
  143. >In front of her desk
  144. >She sulks and moans
  145. >"Ah, I don't want to! I DON'T WANNA!"
  146. "TWILIGHT YOU ARE GOING TO FUCKING DO THIS WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! YOU HAVE PAPER. YOU HAVE QUILL. WRITE! WRITE A SINGLE FUCKING WORD!"
  147. >"J-Just one?"
  148. >You sigh
  149. "Just one. Starting is the hard part. If you just write, then you'll get sucked into it, okay?"
  150. >Twilight nods
  151. >Next thing you know, a quill dips itself in an inkpot and hovers above the page
  152. >"One word..."
  153. "Twilight, just fucking do it."
  154. >"One.... Word..."
  155. >Twilight takes a deep breath
  156. >Then exhales
  157. >Deep breath...
  158. >Exhale
  159. >"One. Word. One word. One... One—"
  160. "I WILL SNAP YOUR FUCKING NECK YOU STUPID HORSE. DO IT. YOU ARE LITERALLY COMMITTING FRAUD EVERY SECOND YOU DON'T WRITE. WRITE. WRITE YOU FUCKING HACK. WRITE! OH MY GOD!"
  161. >"I-I can't when you're looking at me!"
  162. >You shrug and turn around
  163. >"Yeah. YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! ONE WORD! I CAN DO THIS!"
  164. >There's the definite sound of a quill swishing through the air
  165. >A few seconds pass
  166. "Done?"
  167. >"I wrote the word 'the'."
  168. "Well, that's somethi—"
  169. >You pause as you take a look at her paper
  170. >IT'S FUCKING BLANK
  171. "WHY WOULD YOU LIE ABOUT WRITING THE WORD 'THE'?! JUST FUCKING WRITE 'THE' ON THE PAGE! TWILIGHT!"
  172. >"I have a problem."
  173. >Now YOU scream
  174.  
  175. >Fuck this
  176. >You're done
  177. "Twilight. I'm coming back in five days. If you're not done, then... God help your soul."
  178. >"It'll be done."
  179. >There's a deluded confidence in her voice
  180. >This fucked ACTUALLY thinks her paper will get done
  181. >You didn't sign up for this shit
  182. >You ain't about this life
  183. "Well, goodbye. I'll be back."
  184. >"Psh, it'll be fine. Not like I'm going to write even more fanfiction. It'll be done. Celestia trusts me. People trust me. I got paid to do this. It's my job. I'll do it. I swear I'll do it."
  185. >You squint
  186. "Right."
  187. >With that, you turn and walk out of the Golden Oak
  188.  
  189. *FIVE DAYS LATER*
  190.  
  191. >The sun is shining
  192. >Ponies are literally singing in the streets
  193. >Today is a good day
  194. >Too bad you're supposed to see Twilight today
  195. >The Golden Oak Library comes into view, and a few minutes later, you're at the door
  196. >You can hear... Something going on inside
  197. >You push it open and—
  198. >"'B-But it's t-too big for me!' MLH-chan moans as a large phallus enters her tasty boipussi.'"
  199. >"RAINBOW DASH STOP! I TOLD YOU TO STOP MAKING WEIRD STORIES ABOUT ME FOR YOUR FANFICTION!"
  200. >Rainbow Dash finishes reading up her incredibly strange fanfiction and then throws the paper at Twilight
  201. >And then starts reading more
  202. >The girls are startled by the sound of your gagging
  203. >"A-Anon?!" Twilight exclaims sheepishly
  204. "Oh my God, what's wrong with you guys?!"
  205. >Rarity and Rainbow Dash high five
  206. >"It's called 'smut', darling, and we're writing smut about MLHWritefag's delicious asshole and feminine penis!"
  207. "WHY ARE YOU WRITING SMUT ABOUT A AN ACTUAL PERSON?!"
  208. >"Uh, duh, because it's sick and hilarious? MLH a cute."
  209. >You stomp into the room and pick Rainbow and Rarity up by their suits
  210. "YOU'RE GETTING OUT OF HERE!"
  211. >"[USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST]" Pinkie shrieks
  212. >The others begin to laugh
  213. >WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!
  214. >You toss Rainbow and Rarity out
  215. "You guys too! AND YOU BETTER HAVE THAT FUCKING PAPER DONE, TWILIGHT!"
  216. >Twilight smiles nervously as her friends leave
  217. >"Fucking mods."
  218.  
  219. >You slam the library door shut
  220. >A few books fall off their shelves from the mighty blow
  221. >Twilight knows you mean business
  222. >The ground shakes as you approach her
  223. "Paper."
  224. >She giggles
  225. >"What are you talking about?"
  226. >You kneel down to her, face to face
  227. "Where's that fucking paper Celestia paid you to write? That's due today?"
  228. >"Oh, THAT paper. Well, you see... WHAT'S THAT BEHIND YOU?!"
  229. >Your face flattens
  230. "Twilight, I'm not falling for that."
  231. >She's literally shaking, and you can hear her skeleton clattering together
  232. >"U-U-Uh, A-A-Anon, th-this t-time it's f-f-for real... Th-There's s-s-something behind y-you!"
  233. >A look of complete fear overtakes her
  234. >There's no way that—
  235. >The second you turn, you hear galloping
  236. "GOD DAMN IT TWILIGHT!"
  237. >You chase her up the stairs
  238. >"YOU CAN'T MAKE ME DO IT! YOU CAN'T!"
  239. "YOU'RE LITERALLY RUINING YOUR LIFE!"
  240. >Twilight's a lot faster than she looks, and she scurries into a bathroom
  241. >A medicine cabinet flings open, and magic begins ripping pill bottles from their home
  242. >"OH GOD I'M SO FUCKING RETARDED!"
  243. >You tackle her to the ground and the pills clatter over the tile floor
  244. >"O-Ow..."
  245. >God fucking damn it
  246. >This fucking horse...
  247. >What a fucking hassle
  248. "Twilight, were you going to kill yourself over this? Are you that stupid?"
  249. >She scoffs
  250. >"HOW STUPID DO YOU THINK I AM?! No, I was only going to take enough to make it look like I wanted to kill myself, but NOT actually die. Then, Celestia would have no choice but to let the paper slide!"
  251. "Twilight. Why is it so hard for you to just do your fucking paper?"
  252. >She just starts screaming again
  253. >You lay there on the floor, with Twilight trapped under your body, until she stops
  254. >"C-Celestia wants to see me today... M-Maybe I can get an extension..."
  255. >Is she THIS delusional?!
  256. "You can't get an extension."
  257.  
  258. *ONE TRIP TO CANTERLOT LATER*
  259.  
  260. >"Yay! I got a two week extension!"
  261. "God fucking damn it, Twilight..."
  262.  
  263. >She skips alongside you as you exit the train, heading back to the library
  264. "How the hell did she agree to that?"
  265. >"I just told her that I needed more time to REALLY polish it up! That I just love learning too much, and that's why it's taking so long! Then Celestia smiled at me, and told me she'd never seen a student so in love with their craft before, and gave me that extension."
  266. >Her voice is shaky, like she's trying to pretend to brag in order to hide the fact that, underneath, she's freaking out
  267. "Are you actually going to do it this time?"
  268. >"Of course!"
  269. "Mhm... No more 4chansonas?"
  270. >Twilight nods
  271. >"NO MORE. Ugh, I don't even know why I go there. The girls just keep making lewd comments at me for some reason. And keep calling me a 'trap'. How would they know what I am? It's 4chan! We're anonymous!"
  272. "You meet in a fucking library. They can see you. They know you in real life. You're not anonymous at all."
  273. >"WE'RE ROLEPLAYING AS ANONYMOUS, UGH, GOD ANON!"
  274. >You pinch the bridge of your nose
  275. >Fuck this '4chan' nonsense
  276. >Sounds gay as fuck
  277. "Just do your god damn paper this time."
  278. >"I will... I will. I promise I will. If I don't... Well, I could always kill myself."
  279.  
  280. *TWO WEEKS LATER*
  281.  
  282. >"...Truly, we can say that Twilight Sparkle died as she lived. After trekking deep into Yak territory to help build orphanges, Twilight sadly lost her life protecting the earth from a meteor. She will be missed."
  283. >You roll your eyes
  284. >Yeah, this is a funeral, and maybe everyone around is crying their eyes out, but you know this is a ruse
  285. >Fucking Twilight
  286. >She actually did it
  287. >She faked her own fucking death
  288. >What a fucking—
  289. >"THERE'S NO BODY IN THE CASKET!"
  290. >Gasps rise through the church
  291. >Wait, is that...
  292. >There's a purple mare in groucho marx glasses sneaking along the wall
  293. >Let's take a guess
  294. >She was supposed to hop inside the casket, pretend to be dead, then sneak away for good
  295. >But she's such a fuck up that she was literally LATE TO HER OWN FUNERAL
  296.  
  297. >Twilight walks up to the front of the crowd
  298. >"UH, EVERYONE, TURN AROUND! LOOK, A THREE HEADED MONKEY!"
  299. >'What?!'
  300. >'Woah, a three headed monkey?!'
  301. >'HOLY SHIT NO WAY!'
  302. >Literally EVERY SINGLE PONY in attendance turns to gawk at the non-existent mythical monkey
  303. >Fuck this place
  304. >FUCK THIS PLACE
  305. >Twilight quickly throws her glasses to the ground and hops inside the casket
  306. >'Huh, I guess it must have run away or—OH MY GOD, THE BODY! IT'S A MIRACLE!'
  307. >Everyone begins cheering
  308. >'Twilight really was the best! Even in death we can count on her!'
  309. >'Yeah! Too bad she never finished that paper! I was really looking forward to it!'
  310. "FUCK YOU GUYS! FUCK THIS!"
  311. >You stand from your seat and pick your chair up above your head, tossing it against a wall
  312. >'Hey, this is a sacred place!'
  313. >You rush over to the casket and begin strangling Twilight
  314. >Ponies begin screaming in fear
  315. >'STOP! STOP! SHE'S ALREADY DEAD!'
  316. "TWILIGHT YOU MOTHERFUCKER YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY FROM YOUR PROBLEMS LIKE THIS!"
  317. >Twilight begins flailing in the coffin
  318. >'LOOK, SHE'S COME BACK TO LIFE!'
  319. >'OH MY GOD IT'S MIRACLE!'
  320. >You let go of Twilight and fall back in pure shock at the idiocy surrounding you
  321. >"Yes, my people, it is true. I have risen."
  322. >More cheering
  323. >JESUS CHRIST
  324. >WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!
  325. >JESUS CHRIST?!
  326. "JUST ADMIT YOU DIDN'T DO YOUR FUCKING PAPER!"
  327. >"When I went to the afterlife, well, uh, you see, my paper... It was just SO good that, you know, I was able to, uh, trade the paper for my life. Yeah, that's it. So that's why I don't have it. It doesn't exist anymore. It's in the hands of ghosts now."
  328. >'IT'S OKAY TWILIGHT, WE STILL LOVE YOU!'
  329. >Celestia walks up to Twilight (WHEN'D SHE GET HERE?!)
  330. >"My greatest pupil, I am so proud of you. That paper must've been some fuckin' kickin' shit."
  331. >"It was, Celestia. It was."
  332. "I'm out. I'm done. Fuck you guys. I'm going home."
  333.  
  334. FIN
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