OFFICE OF NON-EUCLIDEAN INTELLIGENCE [O.N.I] part 3

from /hhg/ Helluva Hotel general #834
part 1: https://pastebin.com/FzQzfw8E
part 2: https://pastebin.com/9cDsjHu9
https://desuarchive.org/trash/thread/41480040/#41483087
the ICON for ONI: https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/643545780967309333/885170253766746152/1631080836976.png
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>more ONI posting

[OFFICE NON-ECULIDIAN INTELLIGENCE]
[CREDENTIALS ACCEPTED]

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COMMANDER: -----@### ooonnnnnn the the h-- their track record to date, we believe these Imps are assassins. However they don't follow any normal assassination criteria since their targets have no logical consistency, rich, poor, no difference. We have working theories but at this junction its just conjecture.
THE CHAIRMAN: Speculate for us then.
COMMANDER: Our primary working theory is that these Imps are taking assassination contracts from individuals in Hell, specifically deceased Humans who were sent to Hell. While its still too early to make that formal claim, as we know almost nothing about Hell. But I've had my teams run background checks on the assassinated targets and we found some correlations.
MR. BRATT: Correlations?
COMMANDER: Almost every single assassinated target had some kind of negative relationship or encounter with another person who died some time before they were assassinated. The, er, Martha case as an example, she had an affair with that school teacher, Mrs Mayberry, who committed suicide after a failed murder attempt.
THE CHAIRMAN: And what does this information give us?
COMMANDER: As I said, its still early days, but we've been compiling a list of all suspected individuals who may have ordered the assassinations to try and collate a list of criteria for how a Human is sent to hell and weeee'veeee ##@@#!--------

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THE CHAIRMAN: -------@$##$$##... wwwwaaawaaaa---a wannnt your opinion regarding the, err, predecessor organization to yours commander.
COMMANDER: You mean DHORKS? Yes, the demonological hazard and observation reconnaissance service. I'm positive whoever thought up that name was doing it to demean the members of it.
MR. BRATT: Commander.
COMMANDER: Right. DHORKS is... was a, er, subsidiary organization under the command group five, if you have the pertinent clearance you know which organization that is, otherwise, yeah.
THE CHAIRMAN: We know who they are commander, continue.
COMMANDER: It's an enigma of an organization. Its official mission statement is the observation and reconnaissance of anything demonic in nature. However, factually it was created as an a group to relocate personal that were deemed not fit for service within group five, but were somewhat useful enough to keep on a payroll. Personally I suspect the group was intended as a fall agency if group five ever screwed something up.
MRS. COBB: So, a red herring?
COMMANDER: Maybe how it was envisioned, but not how it came to be. Under the leadership of Agents one and two, the organization was, somehow simultaneous competent and a massive joke bordering on something you'd see in some kind of cartoon. They operated on a budget that somehow was at least five times larger than what they were allocated, had operational bases across the continental United States and a world wide spanning intelligence network that could seemingly make out a demon from four pixels in a fuzzy CCTV camera.

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COMMANDER: Yet simultaneously they lack even the most basic knowledge of counter-intelligence operations, could not interrogate a cooperative turncoat to save their own lives, horrifyingly inept security measures, and seemingly operate on the school that edo period Japanese melee weapons are more effective than modern firearms. Which is why over eighty melee armed agents died to four demons, yet two agents with guns almost captured them.
COMMANDER: It was an organization that should never have existed, yet it somehow gained real, practical, knowledge of the existence of demons.
THE CHAIRMAN: And its members?
COMMANDER: You could divide their members into three groups. Those that genuinely believed in the occult and hell and wanted to learn about it. Those hoping to gain workplace experience in the intelligence world and could not care less about the organization. And those who saw the group as a great opportunity to accept a very competitive salary while working in a low risk, safe, environment. Ironically those in the latter two categories were the one's who generally survived the incident.
THE CHAIRMAN: And Agents one and two?
COMMANDER: Borderline incompetent, I'd fire them but I'm more afraid of what they'd do if they go solo than if I can keep a leash on them, I've already sent them in for re-traaaaaa..as2@###-------

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