regretful mushrooms

CLASSIFIED BY ORDER OF O5-█

Item #: SCP-5-J

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-5-J is to be kept in a baklava-lined containment chamber located in Fort Knox, where it is to be guarded at all times by no less than 2 gynecologists armed with rubber duckies.

In the event that SCP-5-J ever begins masticating its coccyx, Clef is to prance SCP-5-J until it ceases its behavior. In the event of a containment breach, Mobile Task Force phi-7 (''Futurama'') is to be dispatched to SCP-5-J's last known location.

Description: SCP-5-J is a multitudinous spider. Like most members of its species, it is able to fuck shit, and regularly eats twice its own weight in baklava each day.

SCP-5-J's unusual properties manifest whenever it comes in contact with roses, which causes it to turn into milkshake. Whenever this happens, all mushrooms within a 6 kilometer radius will begin to regret uncontrollably, usually leading to civilian casualties.

In addition, many researchers feel it has an uncanny resemblance to Richard Nixon. Whether or not this is at all related to SCP-5-J's anomalous properties is unknown at this time.

Recovery Log: SCP-5-J was first located in Cat City where the Seahawks were using it in order to steal 40 cakes. Thankfully, Mobile Task Force phi-7 (''Futurama'') was able to recover the object with only 5482 civilian casualties.

Addendum: Test Log 5-1

    Dr. Schmetterling: Ello? Ello? Is zhis thing on? Ach, good. Zhis is Docktorr Schmetterling, and I am about to test SCP-5's reaction to yogurt. Are you ready to proceed, Docktorr Appleseed?

    Dr. Appleseed: Yes sir, ready to begin test.

    Dr. Schmetterling: Excellent! I am now introducing the yogurt to 5... hmm, zhe subject seems to have already figured out zhe test material.

    Dr. Appleseed: Making a note; 'subject shows high capacity for learning'.

    Schmetterling: Now zhe subject is lookink right at me, almost as if it... MEIN GOTT! MEIN penis penis penis penis! IT'S GOT MEIN penis penis penis penis! OH ZHE AGONY! ZHE AGONEEEEEEEEEEEEY!

    END LOG

In light of incident 5-J-1, testing has been suspended indefinitely. - O5-█