“joe on the Outside”
Episode 1 of Joe on the Inside
by
Rog
A ROUGH DRAFT










1234 Your Street
City, State  ZIP Code
Telephone Number
FAde In:
joe is up for parole and being reviewed by the board, as well as his parole officer, jenny
parole boardman 1
Let’s see, Vanetten Joe… you’ve served 17 years on a 20 year sentence, aside for some… speed bumps here and there you’ve maintained quite a clean record.
	Joe [imagining]
Speed bumps. Heheheh. (a thought bubble appears with joe snorting coke)
parole board woman
Our staff has a lot of great things to say about you as well, from Librarian Donna, to Parole Officer Jenny
jenny
Yes, I believe my client is fully rehabilitated. To keep him behind bars any longer is to deny the success the system has had on Mr. Vanetten here.
parole board man 2
How sure are we, Jenny, that your client is able to assimilate with society on such a whim having not taken any rehabilitation classes? We’re not even sure he’s capable of managing his anger.
Parole board man 1
I’m looking through your files and I can’t even find anything regarding prison employment…
joe
Well, I did volunteer at the library in exchange for free liquor from Donna. We kept it on the DL for those reasons…
parole board woman
I dunno…
parole board man
According to the prison reverend you’ve been attending study meetings almost religiously.
Joe
I was just slingin’ him some yayo
Parole board woman
Excuse me?
Joe
I was just singin’ hymns to YHWH
parole boardman
Well, you’re going to need to do some kind of community service, and if you’ve been learning the teachings of our savior, I see nothing wrong with the state sanctioning community service work at a church! It’ll be the perfect way for you to join society!
parole board woman
I can talk to the Bishop of my church and set something up! I always love to help someone get in touch with the gospel.
parole boardman
Parole granted. We’ll put you on reporting probation, randoms, and 500 hours community service at the church.
jenny
Congratulations Joe, you’re a free man.
parole boardwoman
We have a trailer set up for you at ghetto estates trailer park as well as 80 dollars cash and two months rent. We require employment from you afterwards so you can pay for it on your own. Head into the next room to receive your personal effects.
Joe is grabbing the stuff he went to jail with
prison guard
One bic lighter. One pack of Stonies cigarettes. Is… is this a crack pipe with a rose in it?
joe
No, it’s an undistinguished vial with a rose in it, you can buy them at gas stations…
prison guard
Is this all you had on you?
joe
All I had on me that wasn’t contraband. Oh, and my shoelaces please…
prison guard
… and one pair of shoelaces. That should be all Mr. Vanetten, the bus is waiting to take you to the outside.
joe
Thank you, kindly.
Joe swiftly ties the shoelaces around his neck and attempts to hang himself
prison guard
We got a 513 in progress, a 513
joe
I don’t wanna go to the outside! You can’t make me go! You can’t make me!!!
[intro sequence]

Joe is depressed and on the bus back home.
Inmate
First thing I’ma do when I get back is cash out my ladies food stamps on pop, empty the cans in the parking lot and use the deposit to buy LIQUOR!!!

joe (thinking)
It’s been a looong time… I’m not ready for this.
Other Inmate
One time only clearance sale! I’m selling all my crack, in bulk, 45 dollars.
joe
I’ll take that action!

Other Inmate
Woah, woah, woah! Didn’t you used to sell crack to me in the prison library?
joe
Yeah… that’s me… the guy that used to be somebody…
Other Inmate
Tough break my shattered honkey. Here, I got you for 30.
joe
Thanks man.
[joe opens the door to his new .5 wide trailer]
Joe
So this is my new home then… fuckin’ smaller than my cell. Maybe it wont be so bad on the outside!
[joe walks into his bathroom]
Joe
Are you kidding me? A .75 bathroom? At least now that I’m not in prison I can finally wash my asshole.
[Cut to the shower is running an JOE doing just that]
Joe [orgasmic face]
Seventeen years.
[cut to joe’s living room]
Joe
Christen this place! Bust out that crack! Where did I put that rosebud crack pipe? AH!
[he puts the crack pipe up to his lips and toasts]
Joe
To freedom! *lighter flick*
[suddenly comes a knocking, knocking on the trailer door]
Joe
GodDAMN IT! [waving the smoke with his hand]
[the knocking continues, louder…]
Joe
Jesus Christ! I’m coming! Hold on a goddamn second!
[outside, we see a Bishop, slightly put off. joe opens the door, angry]
Joe
WHAT?! A blessed day today, reverend. How are you today?
Bishop manning
Oh, I’m doing wonderful! And it’s Bishop, actually. Bishop Manning. And you are Joe? It’s a pleasure to meet you, Karen’s told me all about you. Karen from the parole board? You’re not busy are you? I pray I wasn’t interrupting anything!
Joe
Not at all, I was just getting ready to christen the new house.
Bishop manning
Oh, I can do that for you while I’m here! Shall we say a prayer?
Joe
Well, uh… m-maybe later, actually, I haven’t eaten since yesterday.
Bishop manning
Why don’t you come to the church? We’re celebrating the big Feast of the Ascension tonight, and well, I kinda wanted to talk to you about your service? Whadaya say?
Joe
Sounds great! (Thinking: Goddammit goddamn it goddamn it!)

[cut to church scene, Joe is staring at a womans ass]

bishop manning
Are you getting along with our humble Flock?
Joe [snapping out of it]
The gander is good to my goose, I’ll say that.
Bishop manning
Have you got enough to eat? I was actually hoping to start talking to you.
Joe
Please!
bishop manning
Well, I actually had a chance to talk to the reverend at the prison and he said you had an unsurpassed passion for the gospel! ESPECIALLY the iffy Leviticus stuff…
Joe
Well, I weigh ‘er in favor of that rascal, Blaise Pascal’s wager, I can tell you that. And Jesus himself said he came to fulfill the law of the Old Testament, and NOT repeal it.
bishop manning
This is WONDERFUL THEN! See, we’re not cherry pickers here either and well… teen attendance is down. They’d rather close their ears to god and worship the gangster criminal thugs on their iPods. The worst part is, their teacher converted to a new religion! He’s an atheist!
Joe
That’s a religion now? News to me.

bishop manning
Since they idolize rap artists who are in and out of prison constantly, we think an ex-criminal on the straight and narrow… well, if you’re half as passionate about Christ as the reverend said you were, we think you’d be a perfect role model for our Teen Crusaders! Whadaya say! Do you think you’d be able to deliver a sermon this Sunday, directed at the kids?
Joe
Well, it beats cleaning the shitters! Sign me up!
[cut to Joe, tossing and turning in bed]
Joe
This is the most comfortable bed I’ve been in in 17 years and I still can’t sleep… I might as well prepare my lesson plan. I want these kids to get in touch with the REAL God, the God that wrote these words.
[cut to sunday church]
bishop manning
I don’t think I have to remind you that the souls of our youth are on the line!
Joe
I won’t let you down Bishop Manning. I let God do all the talking…
Bishop manning
They’re waiting for you. Go on up to the podium…
[Joe takes the stand]
Joe
Good morning saints and sinners in the house of God! My name is Joe Vanetten and I come before you in the presence of the Lord today to share with you the message of divinity and salvation. I see a lot of young faces here today! Can I get a halleluiah from the Church YOUTH!
TEEN
HALLE-LOU… Jah…
Joe
I was told this congregations’ youth had trouble getting excited for the risen Christ. I was told that somehow, God isn’t good enough for the youngbloods. That the Lord needs some spicing up! THIS TRULY- is the God Delusion my friends. The Delusion that God isn’t enough a spectacle to keep the attention of his holy children. Rid yourself of this taint and see the light of the true Lord and Savior of the Cosmos. A badass motherfucker who kicks ass and literally takes names, who don’t take no shit from nobody, and can create a FUCK so big he himself cannot give it! Ladies and gentlemen this is the God of the Bible. This is the God of Abraham and the God of nature. Where to start brothers and sisters, but nature? I’m talkin’ about bears. That’s right, those brutally relentless blood-thirsty killing machines. God not only created them, but he controls and commands them like a carnivorous and jealous ventriloquist. Children jeered and mocked the Prophet Elijah, 2 Kings 2:23 ladies and gentlemen, an embarrassed and balding Elijah called on God to curse these little fucking brats making fun of his prophet and God did send a MOTHERFUCKING BEAR, which mauled the shit out of the little atheist brats. I defy you youngin’s in the congregation to find ANYBODY more badass than that in the heathenish lexicon of Un-Holy-Wood California! If you answered “The Terminator” I have only one reply… God is a more efficient Terminator than a whole fucking ARMY of Terminators. When the whole world turned their backs on their creator, God committed genocide on every single plant and animal species he had created just a few short generations earlier. Death by WATERBOARDING which is not so much a form of torture as it is a form of DROWNING! This shit was real fucking genocide too, not like that pussy Darfur shit. He killed all dinosaurs, FUCKING DINOSAURS! And God’s never one to turn down a good orgy! Lord no! In fact, God told the Israelites to spare the virgin Midianite women so His chosen people could get their rape on! You might think to ask of God, “Why? If you are truly just oh Lord, how can you command such evil” but God don’t want you prying into his shit. That’s why he killed 50,000 men for peeking inside the Ark of the Covenant. Imagine the ending to the only good Indiana Jones times like 25 hundred! You can’t say that’s not badass, I don’t wanna hear it, because that Indiana Jones shit was badass and this shit actually happened. God is the cosmic paradox, real talk… real talk… for only a paradox could possibly be a causeless-cause. I have already shared with you, my brethren, the divine paradox wherein lies God. God can create a fuck so BIG even he cannot give it! Job was probably the strongest most devout believer ever to walk the Earth save Jesus himself. Do you think God gave a fuck? FUCK NO! God ground glass into Job’s eye and Job did not flinch in his unwavering love for the Lord. It was even Satan’s idea! That’s how much God don’t give a fuck. Youth today don’t give a fuck about shit and practically worship satan! How could they not hear the story of Job and not see that their God is the most badass nigger in the motherfucking universe. He even has a badass beard, as did his son, Jesus Christ (who, need I remind the youth, was a fucking zombie, reinforcing his divine badassery) AMEN.

CONGREGATION
Intense, unrepentant applause.