Taako Magic 11

Justin: Okay, I grow bored with this fight.

[Travis laughs]

I’m casting Polymorph on myself.

Griffin: Oh fuckin’ wowww.

Justin: Griffin, I’m textin’ you.

Griffin: Oh!

Justin: Because you’ll need this information. If you could just describe to everybody what they see.

Griffin: [frustrated] Oh my God, Justin.

Justin: [innocently and expectantly] Yes?

[dramatic, epic music begins to play]

Griffin: [reading Justin’s description] Taako’s arms sink into his chest so that he’s just got sort of little arms, and his head gets really big and really long and his teeth get very sharp and he grows a tail, and he turns into a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

[Clint sounds like he’s collapsed from laughter]

A huge beast--

Travis: Meanwhile, Magnus setting a fire to--

Taako as Dupree: [in a slow, growling, beastly voice] MYYY NAME ISSSSS… DUPREE. [Clint continues laughing deeply and hysterically] DU-PREEEEE.

Griffin: [struggling to maintain composure] Uhh, Dupree can... Multi-attack using its bite and its… okay, and also its tail - its T-Rex tail so, all right---

Dupree: FUCK ALL HATERRRRRSSS. I’M DUP--

Griffin: --What are ya doin?

Clint: [delighted] Can it be givin’ the finger with its little tiny hands?

Justin: Imma bite its dumb shit off!

Griffin: All right.

Justin: Imma bite the motherfucker.

Griffin: Okay, that’s a plus 10 to hit.

Justin: Yeah.

[Rolls dice]

Justin: Uh, that’s a nat 20.

Griffin: Oh my God.

Clint: Ohoho!!

Griffin: That means you roll 8d12 plus 7 for that attack.

Justin: m’kay.

[Clint laughs himself into a coughing fit]

Travis: So should we all just like take a break? While Justin rolls his twelve dice?

[epic music fades out]

Justin: Which one’s d12?

Griffin: 8, it’s the one with the 12 on it, but no-- it doesn’t have 13. If it has 13, you’ve gone too far.

[sound of rolling dice]

...

Justin: Is that… all of ‘em?

[Griffin laughs in amazement]

Justin: It’s 4d12, right?

Griffin: Yeah.

Justin: So it’s just the first 4 numbers, right?

[Clint is counting in the background]

Clint: I thought he said 8.

Griffin: It’s 8d12, bud.

Clint: Well, one more.

Justin: Wait, why’s it 8d12?

Griffin: Because you critted.

Justin: Oh, that’s right, okay, groovy.

[rolls again]

11.

Clint: 56.

Justin: 56 points of damage plus 7.

Clint: 63.

Justin: Or is it plus 14 since I critted?

Griffin: Uh, nah, I think it’s just plus 7-- it is enough to fuckin’--you bite the fuckin’ head off this shark tank--

[Travis cackling with glee]

And as you rip the top off this shark tank you also see the body of… I think it was Marvey? was the driver. You see the legs of Marvey sitting in the pilot’s seat that you chomped in half, as you pull back. And---

Travis: Like the lawyer?

Griffin: Huh?

Travis: Like the lawyer from Jurassic Park?

Griffin: Very much like the lawyer from Jurassic Park. That poor guy, I always felt bad for him, he’s just tryin ta poop!

[laughter]

Justin: Can we please...?

Griffin: Anyway, uh, you’ve destroyed the shark tank. Hey, how long do you get to stay a fuckin’ T-Rex, ‘cause I’m worried these balance issues might pop up!

Justin: Yeah that’s what, I was kinda thinkin’ about it, I mean I’m concentrating.

[Clint laughs]

Griffin: Fair.

Justin: I can’t cast other spells, but I can do it for an hour.

Griffin: Okay!

-Ep. 56, The Suffering Game, 22:28