CHAPTER 1:
In the beginning there was matchmaking. Then lpkane said, "Let there be pugs," thus ESEA was born. First he created stats and with these stats came special properties. The subhumans, a class of puggers with consistantly under 6 rws and under 50 adr. They are a sad people, consisting of stoners and 12 year olds they make up 10% of the esea population. Next he created the shit tier CT side awpers. They have more kills with an awp than any other gun and struggle to get above 9 rws. Their faction consists of 25 year old vrigins, overweight teens, and kennys 14 year old fan boys. They make up 25% of the population of ESEA. Next few made the respectable humans, they have a career rws of 10 and don't shit talk or make a fool of themselves. They make up 60% of the ESEA population. Then lpkane made the king of the other factions, puggers. The puggers are 11+ rws 90+ adr and are usually competitive, normal humans that contribute to society outside of counter strike. These players will consistently dominate pugs. but
when enraged, will throw a pug just to spite a teammate. They make up the top 5% of ESEA and are the most respected and feared group of them all. Of these groups he bestowed special powers unto them. To the shitters he bestowed the power of: shitter luck. Thia allows even the most disgusting of humans to defeat the puggers and to help even distribute the power amongst the diciples of his new kingdom. For the 9 rws awpers he bestowed the power: gaying. When gaying an enemy it increases their level of tilt and empowers the awper making him even better for the next round. To the respectable humans he bestowed the power: knowledge. This allows every average player to know every flash, smoke, molly, nade and angle for every map. At last he he bestowed the puggers with the power: pug out. This power allows puggers to either go 0 - 30 or 30 - 0 depending on the amount of 9rws awpers on the other team. This power can single handedly win a pug for the user, but uses almost the entire energy reserves of said user.
After lpkane established the factions and bestowed powers to each one, he created the ego. The most precious and sacred part of every player on ESEA despite his or her faction. Any potential harm to a player's ego is taken as a direct threat and the player will instinctively retaliate. For this retaliation lpkane created: .block. The .block power was given to all players and it allows them to create an invincible shield against any other player attempting to lay seige to their ego. All players have an ego, but only some have an ego equal to their skill level. For this lpkane created ranks. He allows each player to feel special in his or her rank while unbeknownst to the player there are many more skilled players above their range of vision. At the top of this ladder is rank S. The most prestigious rank available, only pro players and the elected representatives of the puggers can achieve this status. But not all was good in the land of ESEA, for an evil had begun its rise to power. Few, once a trusted
advisor to lpkane, is a malevolant being. His sloppy, bulbous figure distinguishes him from others of his kind, the admins. Of all the admins Few was the strongest. He was lpkane's right hand man and trusted friend, but that all changed when he was given too much power. It began slowly, without notice from lpkane or the other admins, the beginning of the end, the rise of the SJWs. It began with small bans for racism, a fear spread throughout the community that they would no longer have a right to the freedom of their own speech. Soon is became more powerful, saying any offensive term or phrase could result in banishment to matchmaking. It kept growing until all of the players began to live in fear of few and his multiple chins. This fear grew into anger and then hatred, but no amount of hatred could slow down few, for he already hated himself. This reign of terror continues to this day, but it is prophesied that an ancient warrior will destoy this ancient evil. The prophecy speaks of a player named 1egg, but he disguises himself in many ways. It is said that he will team up with more warriors and together they will return lpkane to his throne and free all players from the iron rull of few. After his power fades, few must return to his life as just another obese basement dweler. With that our story comes to a close, the factions lived in harmony forever after. The end.

CHAPTER 2:
In order to move between factions, as water flows between bottles, one must pass the test. The test is a series of events and psychologically taxing processes that are designed to weed out week willed players. The test will start with what some people call, "a slump". Everything you do will feel wrong and nothing will work, nothing. This may make you feel as if you have lost skill through some unknown force that is out of your control, but it is actually a test devised by few and his henchmen. The feeling that is caused by this "slump" is one of anxious energy and hopeless remorse. There is no escape from the first part of test and it is created to get the weak willed to change settings or quit altogether. The next part of the test is to have artificial intelligence invade your pugs and let loose their false prophecies and pessimistic energy. This will lead you to block many people, but it is actually a way for esea to get you to fill your block list with fake people, the test administrators. These "people"
will do anything in their power to ruin your game and crush your already weakened psyche. The final part of the test is facing the pinnacle of annoyance, omnicient shitters. These shitters have the knowledge of past, future and present in complete clarity. Anything you do, no matter how random, will be stopped. At this point your aim and will to live has returned, but the shitters are there to remove those things. They will kill you in the most random spots, prefire the most off of angles and molly you from any crevice you can find. This will end when you manage to finish a game like this without breaking something or killing somebody. After the final phase you will be bestowed with all of the skill that was taken from you, as well as the power to improve rapidly. Many fail this test and will stay the same skill level for months, even years, but those who pass are given the oppurtunity to surpass their peers faster than thought imaginable. Once you are faced with the test you have two options, fight its power
or give in, and like a small tree in the wind, you can bend to the test's will and survive, or you can stand stiff and be blown down by the force. That is the test.

CHAPTER 3:
Now I will give you the 10 commandments of all ESEA puggers that you must follow to achieve the status of "pug lord". The first commandment is:Never trust somebody worse than you. If you believe that somebody worse than you is covering the angle they are supposed to, they aren't. The next commandment is:"If it works once, do something else". Chances are that if you push palace once and get a kill, it won't work again. The next commandment is:"Never push a shitter with a pistol". If you are on a buy round and think it is safe to push out mid with your rifle, it's not. The next commandment is:".block any shitters with an ego". Ever had to deal with that one 9rws awper that thinks hes good and keeps talking in chat, yeah him. The final commandment is:"If you are going to lose anyways, take some adr with you". If you are going to lose a game you might as well bait the other retards on your team and achieve personal success considering your superiority. These commandments, if followed, will lead any 10 rws player into the status of "pugger" within a month's time.

CHAPTER 4:
This chapter will be a sort of list to go by, do not just block these people, but instead use them as a template for who to befriend and who to block and wish disease upon. The first person is: superlit. A 13 thousand, yes, 13 thousand, hour player with 9 rws on esea. He yells when he dies and struggles to communicate with others, despite his knowledge of the human language. He is fat and stupid(like few) and struggles to complete even the most basic of human functions, essentially a walking leech that can talk. The next person is: vaxity. He streams 12 hours a day while hitting his bong, doesn't have a job, gets mad at teammates even if they win the round and can't seem to get his dick wet. This sad representation of human life was born inside a testing facility that was attempting to understand the development of autism in a young child. He is, what is better known as, a "test tube baby". This subhuman will contaminate your healthy functioning brain cells with nasty disabled ones. Close proximity to a
creature such as vaxity can lead to: autism, pancreatic cancer, down syndrome, hemophilia and aids, avoid at all costs. This next person is actaully the embodiment of everything cancerous and subhuman: lolokaybot. If you get this kid on your team just afk or team flash him every round for the entire game. The next person is: chuti. This mexican manlet is the definition of subhuman. Born in a poverty stricken country that is subject to a government run by the cartel, he lives a life of fear and yelling at teammates in spanish. This 5 foot 4 midget continues to play counterstrike in the hopes he can pull a Luminosity and get a paying job in a country that isn't infested with drug lords and organized crime. He has a hair trigger temper and seems to play endlessly. Any action that would make normal human lightly salted, will spiral chuti into a redundancy of making himself angrier and angrier as the pug progresses. People like chuti should be blocked immediately and without regret. Next up is sundancerQ_Q:
alright this one is fresh and I got all the details of this disgusting creature. So first he starts acting hard towards my friend and that does not go over well for me. So he starts talking about money and how ptr makes at least 100k a year, which is not true at all. ptr makes 60k a year because his is essentially the shit tier of the professional CSGO scene and will never make a 6 figure salary because he isn't interesting and he isn't good. So after calling out this subhuman blob he claims "I have a 7 figure bank account and retired at 29." Quite a claim from somebody who looks like this: https://gyazo.com/271bbc1adabc71d53955f04d42377a24. So this gross representation of a ball of fat and cancer claims he "was the best shadow priest in WoW." From he disgusting appearance it would seem that he would be telling the truth, except WoW pros don't make any money. The total prize money for all tournaments ever done for WoW is 3.6M and the most won by an American player is 55k. So after shutting down his lies the
30 year old man child starts crying on the mic, yelling on it, trying to pretend I didnt shit right on his ego and crush his delusions immediately. If you meet a delusional subhuman like sundancer .block them immediately and you will be blessed with eternal happiness. The final person(and the worst): monke. Monke has been playing for 10 years and struggles to get 10 rws in B+ and also refuses to communicate throughout the pug. His own insecurities and disgusting demeanor carry over to esea and it is easy to see that his silence is due to his low ego. He can't seem to improve at anything and has managed to get blocked a total of 4 times. His best years were at the end of high school and due to his inability to improve, ended up playing counter strike and watchin college football in his parents basement. These people are the mosquitos of society and seem to serve no purpose except to obtain feelings of pity from those around them. Avoid these kinds of people at all costs and use the power of the .block to
shelter yourself from their contagious stupidity.

CHAPTER 5:
This chapter is about shitters with egos and how to publicly humiliate them and single handedly crush their pathetic ego. If you are with the shitter you have some options. First you can just explain that you are carrying him and that if he left you would still win without him, make him understand how insignificant he is and that he is the definition of a waste of space. Next is the classic route, stats. First just look at his stats with .players to make sure you have the backup to your shit talk. Next .stats him when everybody can see you do it and after just type "ew". The shitter will proceed to attempt to defend himself, but when he does just type in chat "hahahaha delusional shitter" then "how original" or "what a suprise". The next method is to just sotomize the shitter with sarcasm. Agree with everything the shitter says and just say "ok" and "mhm" and"yeah for sure". He will keep talking and his tiny brain will begin to overheat until he malfunctions. The next method is to have everybody on the team
hate him with you. First you have to convince them that they are better than him. This step is pretty easy just use your teammates egos and inflate them to the point where they think they are the best and make all of them feel special. Then start to humiliate the shitter by saying "holy shit this kid is actually just an anchor" or "wow this kid is about 10 minutes by car below the rest of us" or "hahaha (insert shitter name here) is actaully useless look at him play". All of these will just counteract the reason the shitter developed an ego in the first place: recognition. As soon as you turn the shitter's recognition into hate and mockery, you win. He will voice enable 0 and just cry the rest of the game. He will start to feed so you have the other team make fun of him and he will start to troll and then you kick him and he goes and cries in his room after. If the shitter is on the other team you just have to use the same methods that are mentioned above except you get the other team to hate him with you.
The best way to avoid any of these subhuman nobodies is to deploy the best command available in csgo until you are A+, cl_mute_all_but_friends_and_party 1. That command will save you brain cells in the end and prevent the spread of cancer throughout your body.

CHAPTER 6:
Here the ESEA bible must come to a close. In this final paragraph I will bestow all of the wisdom I have acquired from my 2 years of playing. The first tip: don't switch your settings, switch your play style. If you are slumping and it has come from a recent rank up, chances are you are playing wrong for the current skill level. For example, if B+ I could run with my dick taped to my eye through 3 smokes and find 5 awps waiting for me and still manage to kill all 5. But in A+ people have a lot more time to kill people like that and just like the wastes of human space they are, will sit for up to a minute and a half waiting for a play such as the one I mentioned. The next tip: if you are planning on going pro, but won't put in 12 hours a day, you won't go pro. You should take the game seriously, especially when you are playing on a site that makes you pay monthly, but if you are treating like a job, just stop. The next tip: don't think you are good until you are in A+ or above. If you go through csgo always
thinking you are good, bad things will happen. The final tip I can offer is: don't talk shit behind a friends back, even if you are sure they will never hear it. This tip is especially important. If you want to keep friends and make a good impression on everyone you meet, this rule is the most important. If you follow all these tips you will be that much closer to achieving your csgo related dreams. And with that the ESEA bible ends. Thank you for reading through this piece of fine literature and have a wonderful day.