Grave Humor

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I wrote a song about a tortilla..... actually it's more of a wrap. ;
What did the grape say when it was crushed? ... Nothing, it just let out a little wine. ;
Why does the Norway navy have bar codes on the side of their ships? .... So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian. ;
What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? ... A shoe ;
Need an ark built? ... I Noah guy. ;
What car did the apostles drive? ... A Honda, they were all in one Accord. ;
Why wouldn't Cain give a decent sacrifice to God? ... Because he wasn't Abel.;
What did the wise men bring baby Jesus? Gold and Frankincense... but wait, there's myrrh! ;
Who's the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?... The Dmin chord. ;
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? Samson... he brought the house down. ;
Why shouldn't you let kids watch big band performances on TV? ... Too much sax and violins. ;
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.... I replied, 'Is that a fret?' ;
What is Beethoven doing now? ... De-composing. ;
Who was the fastest guy in the Bible? ... Adam, he was first in the human race.;
What's a salesman's favorite Scripture passage? ... The Great Commission.;
What's a dentist's favorite hymn? ... Crown him with many crowns. ;
What's the best way to settle church disputes? .... With canons. ;
Weather forecast, God reigns and Son shines. ;
Seven days without prayer makes one weak. ;
How do you know if your magic sword is blunt? ... When it starts critiquing  your form during combat. ;
How do you get a D&D player to go out with you? ... You ask them for a d8 ;
How does the paladin protect against the heat of a Fire bolt? ... He turns up his AC! ;
What tool helps a wizard with writing the correct runes into their spellbook? ... A spell checker! ;
If the barbarian has ten gold pieces, and the rogue steals half of it, what does the rogue take? ... 1d12 slashing damage. ;
Which body of water do you get bonuses to sail across? ... The proficien-sea! ;
Why was the musician kicked out of the tavern? ... He was bard! ;
Why is the necromancer not always a bad guy?... sometimes they just want to raise a family in peace! ;
Did you guys hear about the magic skillet? ... It's made of cast iron. ;
What happened to the demon when his girlfriend joined the Holy Order? ... He got FIEND-ZONED. ;
Why did the Drow become a comedian? ... For the Lolth. ;
What's a rogue's favorite medium armor? ... Hide. ;
What's the difference between a wizard and a sorcerer? ... Class. ;
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park? ... Bach it up. ;
I'm obsessed with musicals, but it might just be a ... stage. ;
I'm excited to take my wife to this new musical about puns... It's basically a play on words ;
Have you guys been following that Broadway controversy? ... Turns out ALL their plays are staged! ;
Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments often goes undetected.;
CHARISMA MAGIC! ;
If you don't like musical puns... then you have my symphony. ;
Hey, remind me what comes after Do and Re on the musical scale? ... Hello, is it Mi you're looking for? ;
I have a degree in musical theatre. I may not be able to solve a complex math problem, but... I can solve a problem like Maria. ;
What musical group do men join once they get married? ... The Hus Band! ;
What's a musical pirate's favorite thing to steal? ... That sweet lute! ;
Saxophone might be considered the sexiest musical instrument, but nothing sounds more horny than brass. ;
I'm writing a musical work based on Timon and Pumbaa from the Lion King. I'm calling it Hakuna Cantana. ;
What breakfast was a musical sensation? ... A pop tart. ;
My wife was using her sewing machine the other day and started making musical notes, then I realized... she's a Singer songwriter! ;
I recently met a musical group of pirates... They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship. ;
Game of Thrones, a fancy way to call musical chairs. ;
The Kool-Aid man use to be a broadway actor. ... He had to turn to commercials after learning he had the inability to stop himself from breaking the forth wall. ;
Who was the smallest person in the Bible? ... Knee high miah! ;
What was Beethoven's favorite fruit?...  BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA!;
At what time of day was Adam created?... A little before Eve. ;
Did Eve ever have a date with Adam? ... No, just an apple. ;
Why did the hawk sit on the church's steeple? ... It was a bird of pray. ;
How do you know when a priest needs to loose weight? ... When he holds too much mass. ;
When is medicine first mentioned in the Bible? ... When God gave Moses two tablets. ;
Where was Solomon's Temple located? ... On the side of his head. ;
How do we know peter was a rich fisherman? ... By his net income. ;
Choose the Bread of Life or you are Toast. ;
Church might not be Dairy Queen, but we have great Sundays. ;
I don't get why rogues aren't able to learn languages.... I guess Thieves' Cant. ;
What do you call a mountaintop guarded by rogues? ... A sneak peak. ;
I wanted to go jogging, but Proverbs 28:1 says 'The wicked run when no one is chasing them', so there's that. ;
A friend asked me if I've ever met anyone famous.... Well I'm best friends with Jesus soooooo.... ;
Why did the unemployed man get excited when reading his Bible? ... He thought he saw a Job. ;
What's the best way to study the Bible?... You Luke into it. ;
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve... It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. Then everything crashed. ;
What do you call a herd of sheep tumbling down a hill?... A  lambslide. ;
How do you organize a space party? ... You planet. ;
What do you call a cow with a twitch? ... Beef Jerky. ;
Where did Noah keep the old bees? ... In the Ark Hives. ;
6:30 is the best time on the clock.... Hands down. ;
Who built King Arthur's Round Table? ..... Sir Cumference. ;
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed the opportunity to call them substitooths. ;
Don't spell 'part' backwards..... It's a trap. ;
Who was the smartest man in the Bible? ... Abraham. He knew a Lot. ;
What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?... Absolutely Ruthless. ;
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