Shipping Roulette

Pairing: Cassandra/Puritus

No, not again. Of all her luck, to be captured by the one man who could possibly be worse than her previous rapist? They say fate has a cruel sense of irony, but no one ever put enough emphasis on the cruel part.

At least her mind hadn’t been dulled again. Yet. Keeping her wits about her was the first step to escape and fight.

Her captor entered the room. Puritus slowly approached her. Technically he had the body of Arman, but the true soul showed through, twisting his features to look like a completely different person.

“Well now, if it isn’t the woman my son was so obsessed with,” Puritus greeted her. Cassandra only replied back with a scowl.

“Now now, don’t be like that,” Puritus said, getting uncomfortably close. “Unlike my son, I don’t enjoy hurting my lovers… as long as you keep complient.”

*

Pairing: Midnight/Cameron

“Um, I’m not sure about this…” As far as first dates went, going cliff diving off a waterfall wasn’t Midnight’s idea of a nice and easy way to get to know someone. “You do know I have a busted leg, right?”

Cameron, who had quickly stripped down into nothing but a bathing suit, just smiled. She walked up to the cliff beside her date.

“It’ll be fine! Any leg you can walk on, you can swim on, right?”

Giving Midnight a kiss on the cheek, Cameron leaped off the cliff. Seconds later, she hit the water with a splash. When she resurfaced, she was laughing.

“If you want more of that, you’ll have to come get it!” she yelled back up to Midnight.

*

Pairing: Ank/Nintendria

Of all the places to meet one of the Grim Reaper’s assassins, a blind date meet-up was not what Nintendria had expected.

Ranthael had forced him to do this. “Loosen up,” he said. “Go have fun,” he said. This wasn’t fun. He was on a date with not only someone he didn’t know, but also someone who sounded like a real piece of shit from what he’d heard. At least it seemed like Ank was having just as good of a time as he was, what with him leaning on the palm of his hand and tapping his fingers against the table.

“So…” Nintendria broke the silence between them. “What uh… dating.” Good job, N.

“…My coworker made me,” Ank replied.

“You too huh?”

Ank snorted. “Good to know we have such good people looking out for us. Mine told me specifically not to come back until I ‘fucked the guy’s brains out.’”

“Your coworker sounds like an asshole,” Nintendria said. “We should go fuck him up instead.”

Ank smiled. “That sounds like a far better idea than sitting around here all day.”

*

Loner: Ranthael

Gods fuck it all! As if being single in canon wasn’t good enough, the RNGsus of the shipping meme just had to get another laugh at him and deny him even a non-canon cuddle! And not even just ignore him like the others who weren’t picked for this meme, but to actually be chosen SPECIFICALLY for the loner.

Ranthael flopped to the ground in disgust. Well, now what? Continue writing about his loner status? Oh yeah? Well too bad, he could just imagine his own pairing. Who needed the RNGsus to tell him who to smooch?

…Except Zora and Flareth would be reading this and that would be kind of embarrassing. It’s not like he, you know, liked anyone. Just… you know, it would be cute to have a crack ship for a few paragraphs. Really.

…Well, there was always next time.

*

Threesome: Teruchi/Suprema/Talia

I’m going to be honest with you, I have no idea how this would even work out. I could see Suprema and Talia, doing some sort of perverted queen thing, or Teruchi and Suprema. She’d have a field day with him. But the three of them? Really the only thing that works out is that Suprema got drunk one night and kidnapped Teruchi and Talia and forced them to make some weird porno with her. Like… That’s all I got for you. Teruchi can be the pizza man. There’s always a pizza man in pornos.

*

Pairing: Denzia/Cherry

“So I’m going to be honest with you, I’m not sure how you intend to make this work…”

Denzia poked and prodded between his legs, but it wasn’t going to do him any good. Not to mention, there was little chance he could give Cherry a good time either, considering his long, claw-like fingers might not feel so great in more sensitive areas. Unless she was into that.

“Ha! You don’t think I came prepared?” Cherry opened a drawer in her nightstand, and pulled out a device of her own making tied onto a rubber strap.

“You, my ingenious animus, were made for strap-ons.”

“Aha! It’s just my size too!” With surprising ease, the animus slipped into his new dongle with pride. “And purple too! Aw Cherry, this is a wonderful gift.”

“You’re welcome,” Cherry said, unzipping her pants. “Now let’s see if you can out perform the melons.”

*

Last ditch pairing: Kaj/Dante

“Well… that didn’t work.”

Kaj and Dante watched as the end of the world ripped and tore across the horizon.

“And in the end… I didn’t even get to see it with the one I love…”

Dante nodded solemnly. “…I mean, I kind of lucked out on that regard.”

“What?”

“Well I’m just saying, you’re pretty good looking. I think, I mean I really can’t tell behind the hood and heavy jacket but you got a nice jawline.”

“Thanks?”

“…I mean, if we’re headed towards oblivion, I think one of us should get a nice goodbye.”

“Excuse me!?”

“No reason we both have to die miserable. Oh don’t give me that look, you can just take your shirt off that’s cool.”

Kaj grumbled, but whatever. He slipped his arms out of his jacket and pulled his shirt over his head. Dante leaned back and whistled.

“You want a hug?”

“Are we dead yet?”