1-07 Withdraw

	By this point, the rain and cold had soaked so thoroughly through my socks that I'm beginning to wonder if I did really have toes, for I certainly can't remember a time when I could feel them. Droplets of water freshly shake of my clean shoes as I sway them back and forth in my hand, not pausing my ascent for a second to ask myself why I'd taken them off. My other hand is firmly grasped around Lilly's umbrella, folded up neatly in my fist. Stretching where I think my toes are in my socks, I can feel the old mud crack and flake off to be immediately replaced by more as step by step, I make my way through the woods.

	It was an alternate path back to Yamaku I'd discovered one day with Saki. Going out with her is much like walking a dog that is much stronger than you, pulling you along to wherever she thinks is interesting. On the particular day we discovered this, we had intended to go out to the park in town for a picnic, but Saki declared the park "lame" half-way there and set out to find a better spot in the woods. We wandered up a winding trail, snaking through the underbrush towards a gap she spotted at the crest of the mountain. The memory of her pouting face when it turned out we'd looped back to Yamaku brings the beginnings of a smile to my face, but the more painful, more recent memories quickly set it back. The whole point of that stupid trip was to ease the situation with Nakai, and not only did I make it much worse, but I may have succeeded in making Lilly upset with me as well. The rush of panic when I ran out, the pang of shame when I saw Lilly look at me with genuine pity, it's all too fresh in my mind to wish away with happy memories.

	As the hill begins to get steeper, I know I'm almost home. The thought of seeing Saki eagerly awaiting news makes my stomach turn with dread, but I can hardly wander through the woods all night. Suddenly, I see the muddy ground coming up to greet me as my foot catches on something and I fall onto my hands and knees, narrowly avoiding landing face-down in the slippery dirt. Crouched stock-still, I stare down at it, my neatly combed hair in tangles and knots spread throughout it. I wonder when my braid came loose. Almost sliding in the mud and falling again, I push myself to my knees and sob. Nakai, Lilly, I'm sorry I'm such an idiot, I don't know what's wrong with me. If I could just understand, just get a foothold somewhere in this sodden mess of my mind lately, maybe I could try and fix things. The little red cross of my medical bracelet looks up at me, half concealed by the mud, snapped off in the fall. I ball it up in my fist and hurl it into the dusk, shimmering as it flies through the rain. Useless thing just reminds me I'm useless. The thought makes me begin to well up with tears again, but I forcefully shake them away and rise to my feet. Tonight is the last night I feel this way. With purpose, I carefully make the last bout of the climb, guiding my steps with caution on the slippery ground. Before long, I emerge from the trees to see the streetlights shining blurrily in the rain against the school gate, illuminating Saki standing with an umbrella staring down the road. Lilly must have beat me here.

	The sudden, now familiar, urge to flee becomes evident but I clench my hands into fists and walk on anyway. It's a funny thing, watching someone's face transition through so many emotions at once. Concern, shock, anger and empathy all flashed across Saki's face as she spotted me, to be replaced with a simple look of bitter worry. Wordlessly, I ducked under her umbrella and stood beside her, forcing something that I hoped resembled a smile.

	'It went well.' I offer. Saki opens her mouth to speak, closes it, opens it again and then just sighs.

	'Let's go inside and get you in something dry, huh?' Saki says, looping her arm around mine and heading to the dorms. We don't encounter many people on the way, but I catch the stares of the few do. Looking down at myself, I do look quite a sight; drenched by rain, with mud and grass stains running up the legs of my tights and all over my coat. Endeavouring to ignore them, I fix my eyes on the entrance to the dormitories. Saki is quiet as we walk, so the only sound to distract me is the ever-present rain pattering on her umbrella. I listen to it, and close my eyes, imagining I'm sitting beside my window in my old room, wrapped up in a blanket beside the window on a rainy day, laughing about a joke with a friend whose face I can't remember.

	'Rika? You there?' I open my eyes to Saki standing inside the dormitory hall, waving her hand at me with her umbrella folded and leant against the wall.

	'Of course, sorry, lost in thought.' I mutter offer her an apologetic smile. She returns it, but it's not her usual carefree grin that she seems to wear everywhere. Stopping to pick up her umbrella, she reaches for my hand; I pull away, beginning to protest due to the matter of my hands being caked in mud, but she cuts me off.

	'Don't be silly.' She assures me as she snatches my hand and drags me down the hall. Pausing at the stairs, Saki looks me up and down. 'You know, you should probably shower off the dirt you've got on your everywhere,' she tuts, running a strand of my hair through her fingers, 'even in your hair! Although I can't remember the last time I saw you with it down.' Saki adds, before dragging me to the bathrooms and practically tossing me through the door, a towel shortly following.

	'And come straight up to my room when you're done! We have some talking to do!' She shouts through the closed door. I nod, before I realize there's a door between us. My head's processing things with a several second delay. As is to prove that, I only now notice the steam clouding my vision. I feel my body ease with the warmth, but it does mean that the bathroom's not as unoccupied as I had assumed it would be. Walking down the stalls where the showers are, I see two small bare feet through the gap of the one furthest to the wall, and a peaceful snoring carrying out from it. While I'm curious, I'm more concerned.

	Knocking twice on the door, I hear a sleepy 'Yeeeeeah?' come from inside. It's enough to content me that mystery sleeping shower girl is alright, so I head off to my own stall. My clothes practically have to be peeled off of me, and I throw them haphazardly over the stall door. The warmth of the water feels pleasant on my skin and running through my hair, but I can't shake the feeling of numbness despite the heat. Saki's demeanor was hard to read, and I feel as though I should brace myself for a scolding. I wonder what Lilly told her? Does she know I ran out? Does she know how I was outside the Shanghai? The last remnants of my make up run down my face and into the drain in a murky black puddle and I wring the dirt out of hair. Maybe all Lilly did was ask if I got home okay, and Saki went out looking for me when I hadn't. Did Nakai ask after me? No, that's not going to help, I shake my head as though manually shaking out any thoughts of him. Idly, I finish scrubbing the last of the foliage off myself and allow my mind to settle into quiet. Better to think of nothing at all than to make myself upset again. With on a mild strain of effort, I manage to turn the water off and the pipes creak in response. The door is opened a crack as I grope about for my towel beside the stall, and I pull it around myself before grabbing my muddy clothes into a sort of ball in my hands. The mystery sleeping shower girl has plodded off to the sink while I was in the shower, and as I walk up beside her to inspect myself in the mirror I see she's the girl from Nakai and Hanako's class I often see sleeping on the bean bags in the library.

	'Hey, mud-feet.' She mumbles in greeting as she buttons up her pajamas.

	'Mud-feet?' I ask, not sure whether to be offended.

	'S'all I could see in the stall. You possessed very muddy feet,' She looks down before continuing, 'look clean now though. Good job.'

	'... Thanks?' I reply, a little stunned. She gives a thumbs up gesture and plods down out the door, humming some non-discriminate tune. I look out the door after her for a while, trying to process the brief encounter before simply giving up and turning my attention to the mirror. The bags under my eyes certainly don't look better than they did this afternoon, and my eyes themselves are still puffy from crying. Terrific. I hate looking how I feel. Nothing for it I suppose, and turn to walk out the bathroom, throwing my dirty clothes in the general direction of the laundry room's open door. There aren't any more strange encounters as I head up the stairs to my room, turning the door handle to see my pajamas freshly folded on my bed.

	The small gesture warms my mood a bit, and I slip them on then knock on Saki's door. It opens without a moment's delay to reveal her standing with her arms crossed.

	'You took your time.' She says, frowning.

	'I had a run-in with the blue-haired girl from Hanako's class. Nice girl, strange girl.' I answer, walking past her to sit on her bed. Saki decides not to inquire and sits down beside me, regarding me sternly.

	'What happened today, Rika?' She asks, voice still held stern but with sympathy creeping in.

	'Lots of stuff, you know. Had tea, went for a walk in the rain, pleasant day all in all.' I joke, unsmiling. With a deep breath, Saki looks down then regards me again.

	'Honestly, Rika. Lilly came in asking if you were in your room. She wouldn't tell me anything other than that you "weren't feeling at yourself", but you were supposed to be out with her. Between this and the hospital visit I don't know what to think. What happened today?' She asks again, worry now evident in her voice. At least Lilly didn't rat me out. Although I want to talk, the words simply won't come, so I just stare back at Saki, trying to stop my mouth from quivering. After a while Saki stands up, hands on hips. 'How about I brew us up some tea while you think about it, huh?' She sweetly says, patting my hand before she heads into my room to fetch my teapot. I take the opportunity to lean back on the bed and push my hands to my temples. What can I tell her? "I broke down in tears seemingly out of random while having tea and cake and then walked bare-foot through a forest in the freezing rain"? Although she probably figured out the last part already.

	Saki returns with teapot in one hand and a tin of tea labelled Nilgiri in the other. I smile at her opting for something strong, and she catches me and smiles back. 'Now that's more like it. Ready to talk?' She requests over her shoulder, busying herself with brewing the tea at her counter.

	'Ready as I'll ever be.' I reply, taking the cup she offers as she sits down beside me. Pressing it to my lips, I can't help but think back to the night Nakai arrived and I tried to explain how I felt to Saki. So much has happened in so little time.

	I take a deep breath, 'Have you ever felt like you don't know who you are anymore? Not just in a typical day-to-day adolescent manner of it, but having something come and topple over everything that you thought made you who you are?' Saki furrows her brow, then takes a long sip of her tea.

	'If I follow like I'm pretty sure I don't, this is about Nakai, right?'

	'Yes? Maybe? I don't know. I think it is, but then I think it's my heart, and then I think it's my future, and I've been reading all these books...' I trail off, stumbling over my words.

	'Well, when did this all start?' She softly asks, resting her hand on my shoulder.

	'Around when Nakai arrived, but that doesn't have to mean it was him, right? At the same time as that the tests were coming up, and I was very upset Winter was over because you know I like snow--'

	'Rika, you're rambling. You know full well that it was Hisao arriving.' Saki interjected.

	'What if I do? What does that mean?' I moaned, falling back onto the bed. Saki looked down at me and raised an eyebrow.

	'No, it does not mean that.' I clarified, folding my arms in protest.

	'Alright, alright, ignoring that you obviously have a massive schoolgirl crush on Hisao, what else could it be?' She demands playfully, pulling me back up to the edge of the bed.

	'It'd be so simple if I knew the answer to that, wouldn't it? Much too simple, which is of course why I don't know. It could be one thing, it could be a combination of things, it could be none of those things and something entirely different that hasn't even crossed my mind yet, despite how long I've been torturing myself with this!' I get a little heated as I explain my circumstance, almost spilling my tea as I throw my arms up. Saki is silent as I take a sip and continue, 'and you know what the worst bit of it all is? I'm helpless. Every time I try and fix things I end up running down a hallway like an idiot or in a damn hospital bed.' The sounds of Emi screaming for help echoes through my head again, accompanied by the thudding of my heart that day and I have to turn my head to hide the tears welling up again.

	'Oh, Rika, it's alright.' I hear the soft clank of Saki setting her tea down before she throws her arms around me and squeezes me in a hug, head resting on my shoulder. 'Sometimes life takes you in unexpected directions. You know that, I know that, everyone in this school has first hand experience with it. And you know what we do, Rika? We roll with whatever is thrown our way. We always have, and this isn't any different.'

	She turns me around and pulls my chin up when I try and hide away. Wiping the tears off my cheeks, she continues, 'And you know you'll figure this one out, you always do.' With a sniff I look at her and manage a weary smile.

	'Maybe I will.' I say, voice cracking.

	'There's my girl! We'll figure this out bit by bit, but how about some sleep for now?' Saki suggests. I nod, and she hurries into my room, shortly returning with my blankets. 'I'll sleep on the floor, but you're sleeping here tonight. I'm not leaving you to torture yourself tonight.' She insists, laughing at the last part. Nodding stupidly again, I burrow my way under Saki's blankets as she arranges the blankets to a makeshift bed on the floor.

	'Good-night, Rika. Cheer up, alright?' Saki calls out as she switches off her lamp.

	'I'll try.'