ff

“A date? Tomorrow? Hey now, you can’t just spring that on me without warning. I have a schedule of my own, you know. But I guess there’s no getting around it; I can make some time for you, Onii-chan.”

“Wait, why are you assuming that you’re invited? What exactly do you think your position is here?”

After seeing Senjougahara off, going inside my house, and trudging my way up to my room on the second floor, the one lying in wait for me this time was my roommate, a freeloader in the Araragi household, the shikigami girl Yotsugi Ononoki-chan.

As a doll, she was meant to be staying in my house under the guise of my little sister’s stuffed animal, but lately she seems to be moving around without much inhibition, and today in particular she seems to have let herself into my room, lounging around on my bed and reading some comics I bought before I’ve even had a chance to look at them myself.

Forget “making time,” I don’t think I’ve ever seen a girl with more free time in my life.

She asked me, “A strange girl seemed like she was waiting for you outside the house, so I left her alone, but what was that about?”, so I answered her question honestly—but Kagenui-san left her at my house to serve as my bodyguard, so if there was a strange girl waiting around outside my home, she probably shouldn’t have left her alone.

More pertinently, there are a lot of other things I should be telling Ononoki-chan right now, so it’s a bit strange that the first thing I’m reporting about is my newly scheduled date.

But I don’t know where I should start or how much I should say… Gaen-san didn’t really act like she wanted me to keep my mouth shut, and Tadatsuru even asked me to apologize in his stead… but if I tell Ononoki-chan about my pilgrimage through Hell this morning down to the last detail, will it get in the way of whatever Gaen-san is planning right now? There’s still that lingering uncertainty.

Still, since she was so directly involved in his death, I feel like I ought to let Ononoki-chan know all that about Tadatsuru… Well then, how do I go about this?

“? What is it, Onii-chan the oni?[1] Onii-chan for short. You’re staring at my face. Is there something ‘odd’ about it? Pun intended.”

“No, it’s just…”

I gather my resolve and speak—before Ononoki-chan has the chance to make another joke. It might not be possible to clear away all of my lingering concerns, but I’d like to settle whatever I can before tomorrow’s date.

“Ononoki-chan. Can I talk to you about something serious?”

“I’m always serious. I’ve never talked about anything that isn’t serious. I’m so aggressively serious that people call me Straightjacket Crossface.”

It doesn’t sound the least bit sincere when she says it in that expressionless monotone, and if people are calling her “Straightjacket Crossface” that probably means she’s the opposite of serious, plus it’s probably a total lie to begin with, but I decide to simply ignore all of that and briefly recount my adventure that started at Kita-Shirahebi Shrine this morning, covering only the essential details—I figured it would get too long if I just came out with the whole story, but once I sum it all up, my explanation actually finishes pretty quickly.

It may have felt like a journey that could have spanned 2,000 years to me, but in reality, it did all happen in an instant, so I guess when I tell someone else about it, this is all there is it to it—the emotion associated with something isn’t always directly proportional to the amount of time spent on it.

“Huh.”

But Ononoki-chan barely shows a reaction.

My tale of adventure is absolutely wasted on an audience like her.

“That’s what you get for making a stuffed animal your audience. I’m a little cheesed that you got wasted the minute I took my eyes off you, but I don’t have much of an opinion beyond that.”

“Wait, come on. Hearing all that about one of your creators, Tadatsuru, doesn’t make you feel anything? He told me to send you his regards, you know.”

“I don’t really care. Haven’t I told you before? Don’t expect human emotion from me. Whether he was dead to begin with, whether he was immortal in a sense, or whether he was a living puppet, it doesn’t change the meaning of what I did.”

Ononoki-chan shrugs her shoulders.

“What it meant to you, that is.”

“…”

“Well, I’m sure it gave you a lot to think about it, and you probably feel like you’ve been redeemed, in a sense… But if you had to ask my opinion, hmm, personally, I’d say it doesn’t pass the smell test.”

“Hm? The smell test?”

I’m not sure I completely understand what the term “smell test” means (what smell?), but I can at least tell it’s not a good thing—Ononoki-chan is completely deadpan, meaning I can’t read her expression, so conversations with her require exceedingly high communication skills.

“Oh, it’s nothing. I was just wondering how much of it was part of Gaen-san’s plan. I pretty much only interact with Gaen-san through Onee-chan, so I honestly don’t know the true depths of her shrewdness… It’s possible that she actually expected you to bring Hacchy along, and she was only pretending to be surprised by it.”

“Hacchy?”

You guys are pulling way too much from the commentary tracks. Quit having the time of your lives while I’m not around.

“Well, to be frank, there’s probably more canon in the commentary tracks by now.”

“Stop. Don’t be frank.”

“To begin with, I don’t even believe in the concept of Hell… Maybe it was all just a hallucination you saw on the brink of death.”

“A hallucination? Like a near-death experience? But…”

“Or maybe it was a hallucination Gaen-san showed you herself… Isn’t it scary to think of all the possibilities?”

“…”

It is scary… But why is she going out of her way to say things that might scare me? What’s so fun about freaking me out?

“Hmm, but don’t you think freaking people out is fun in and of itself?”

“You’re downright despicable. You better lay off before I get mad.”

“Making people mad is the most fun of all. It really makes my day. Whenever I get lectured or whatever, I think to myself, ‘Wowee, this guy sure is mad, he sure has lost his cool,’ making a remorseful face while I’m really smiling on the inside.”

“Nobody in the world deserves to be yelled at more than you!”

Yeah right, like she’s ever made a remorseful face or smiled. She’s more than just expressionless, she’s in a perpetual state of rigor mortis.

She’s a real problem child—but if I look like I have a problem, I’m sure she’ll just enjoy it.

“Anyway, to put it the other way around, I’m also not particularly put off by the idea that I might see Tadatsuru again one day. So I’ll give you my thanks for telling me.”

“I see… Well, hearing you thank me makes it feel like it was worth it.”

“I am forever in your debt.”

“That’s an awfully dramatic ‘thank you.'”

“However, I feel there’s a more important matter at hand.”

Ononoki-chan changes the subject with that—and she might be right. If we’re going to talk about one of Ononoki-chan’s “creators,” Tadatsuru, we can’t avoid bringing up another one of those same “creators,” her master as a shikigami, Kagenui-san.

And she is still missing as we speak.

I couldn’t even find her in Hell.

With the situation as it is, it’s hard to feel particularly celebratory—or, that’s what I assumed Ononoki-chan was thinking, but it seems I was completely off the mark.

“I’d like you to tell me all about Kiss-Shot Acerola-Orion Heart-Under-Blade’s full revival, in detail,” Ononoki-chan says. “This has a direct bearing on my personal safety.”

“…”

“I’ve mercilessly bad-mouthed her because I thought she was a washed up little girl, but now that she’s in her full form, it’s time to make an about-face. Onii-chan, can you teach me how to speak formally?”

Oh, now I get it.

She was right that there’s a little thrill in watching someone else freak out—all the more when it’s a certain cheeky shikigami girl.

“Does Heart-Under-Blade-sama most graciously abode within your shadow at the moment?”

“You aren’t using the word ‘abode’ correctly.”

It would seem she really doesn’t know how to speak formally.

I’m pretty sure she’s just asking if she’s in my shadow—well, as long as she’s getting the meaning across, I shouldn’t nitpick about whether she’s being grammatically correct. That’s what I believe, as a man who has put his exams behind him.

“No, she’s not here,” I answer.

I thought about giving her a little bit more a fright, but too much bullying won’t get me anywhere.

“Shinobu’s with Gaen-san, along with Hachikuji. They’re figuring out what we’re going to do from here on out—some sort of meeting, I guess, or a maybe a discussion.”

“Or maybe a destination.”

“Don’t use a word as commonplace as that incorrectly. Leave the confusion for formal speech.”

“Forget misusing it, I really don’t know what it means. I wonder if it has to do with fate.”

“That’s ‘destiny.'”

Destination. The place to which someone goes or is sent.

…I always wondered about when I would actually apply the knowledge I gained while studying for exams, but it’s actually pretty useful.

“I’m curious about ‘what we’re going to do from here on out.’ You finally returned to being a normal boy, and what, now you’re going to get yourself involved in something else? Even if it means you’re dancing in the palm of Gaen-san’s hand?”

“Well, no, I still haven’t agreed to anything yet…”

But still.

I can’t just cover my ears and pretend like I don’t know what’s going on—and besides, no matter what I decide to do from here on out, I’m going to need Gaen-san’s help to figure out what to do with Shinobu and Hachikuji. Gaen-san doesn’t believe in the principle of borrowing without returning—so I have to pay her back whatever I can.

“…Besides, there’s Kagenui-san to think about, too.”

Ononoki-chan has failed to bring up Kagenui-san whatsoever, so I’m forced to timidly mention her name myself. I’m way too considerate…

Anyway, while I couldn’t tell you why I’m being so considerate towards a doll, it’s not like I’m indifferent about what happened to Kagenui-san myself. In fact, you could even call it my number one concern.

Yozuru Kagenui.

And… Meme Oshino. Where are they now?

“As far as Oshino-onii-chan is concerned, isn’t he just living his usual vagabond life? That’s what I think, anyway.”

“Nah, it’s gone far past the point that he would be taking it easy somewhere… After all, we’ve pooled all our resources trying to find him, and we still don’t know where he is, you know? Hanekawa herself is out looking for him, and we still haven’t found him, you know?”

“Oh, right. That girl who doesn’t grow everything.”

“She doesn’t know everything.”

“It’s not as though she’s a professional at tracking people down herself… Well, I don’t really intend to argue with your opinion,” Ononoki-chan says, and then adds, “By the way, as far as Onee-chan is concerned, it’s my theory that she went on a journey to hone her skills,” and goes back to reading her comic book.

Hold it, you can’t end the conversation with that. You’re taking nihil admirari way too far.

She lost her interest way too fast once she found out Shinobu isn’t here. Look, I’m just saying, when she’s in her full form, she can teleport anywhere in the world in an instant, okay?

“I’m a free woman. Just so you know, I can’t do anything without orders from Onee-chan, so I’m not going to help you out no matter what you’re planning to do. Hope you understand.”

“…”

I knew that before she even had to tell me, but why did she have to go out of her way to say it in such an irritating way…?

“But if you insist, I don’t mind accompanying you on your date tomorrow.”

“Why are you so insistent on coming along? Stay out of my love life already. This is going to be the first heartwarming episode we’ve had in a while.”

Strictly speaking, as much as I’d like to hope for a heartwarming episode… I’m honestly not sure how much I can expect from a date penned by Senjougahara.

“Aww. But other people’s dates are hilarious. There’s nothing as dumb as someone else’s love life.”

“I have absolutely no doubt that your current characterization was influenced by my little sisters, so it’s a little hard to criticize you…”

Still, the fact that there’s now one more person out there with that kind of personality is just as sad as it is painful… As an older brother, I have to wonder where I went wrong to raise sisters like that. The both of them are pretty bad, but my littler sister in particular, the one that’s Ononoki-chan’s owner, seems to get worse with each passing day.

“How to put it… When you’re looking on from the sidelines, don’t you think it’s hysterical to watch people get worked up over the silliest things? ‘You may be taking it completely seriously, but I couldn’t care less about it.’ Nothing gets me more pumped up than situations like that.”

“As the person Kagenui-san entrusted you with, I’m starting to feel the responsibility to get you away from my sisters ASAP. …By the way, Ononoki-chan, what things do you take seriously?”

As a specialist specializing in immortal oddities, Kagenui-san seems awfully committed to exterminating said immortal oddities, so I tend to just assume that Ononoki-chan holds the same antipathy towards them… But when I take into consideration the fact that she’s an immortal oddity herself, it’s hard to imagine that being her motivation.

In that case, what does this girl take seriously?

“Don’t you have anything you want to do, or something you want?”

“Nope, nada.”

“A simple ‘no’ would’ve been enough.”

“I’m a combat machine that exists only to fight, just like Onee-chan always says. You’ve gotten a taste of that firsthand, haven’t you?” Ononoki-chan says, without taking her eyes off the comic book.

It really feels like I’m talking to my sister…

“The question you just asked is like asking a mug cup if it prefers being filled with coffee or tea.”

“…”

She’s terrible at analogies. I get what she’s trying to say, but now I feel like I understand it a little less.

“At any rate, I’m going to make the most of the slow life for now. Dance well, Onii-chan—whether it be in the palm of Gaen-san’s hand or someone else’s altogether.”

“…Of course, it’s not like I want to cause trouble for you, either.”

But at this point, there’s something I want to clarify. I want to clarify her intent—or if a doll doesn’t have intent of its own, then her function.

“But Ononoki-chan. What are you planning to do if Kagenui-san never comes back? What if she never comes for you?”

That might be a cruel question to ask depending on how she takes it, and it hurts me to ask, but it’s something I’d have to ask sooner or later—and the girl in question responds with complete composure.

“If that happens,” she answers in a monotone, “then I guess I’ll have to stay in this house forever. Though obviously, if you get married and leave home, I’ll have to go along with you.”

“Drop the crazy life plan, would you? What do you mean, obviously?”

“Should I have said ‘shockingly’?”

Ononoki-chan whips her head around, acting surprised, but her expression remains completely blank while doing so—it’s a surreal image. How come I can get such a good reaction out of her, but her face is the one thing that never changes? That’s taking “poker face” to a whole new level.

“Still, watching over you is the task that was entrusted to me… I can’t leave your side until that order is revoked. In other words, if Onee-chan never comes back, we’re going to be together for the rest of our lives.”

“The rest of our lives…”

“Hey now, don’t look so put out. I’m the one who’s baffled by the job that’s been given to me. It feels like I’ve been placed in a cage with a wild animal.”

“Funny, that’s exactly how I feel about it… We have a lot in common.”

I really need Kagenui-san to return as soon as possible… Yeah, that’s right, I guess things really can’t stay the way they are now.

For the sake of my own future, too.

“By the way, Onii-chan. By the way, by the way, Onii-chan. How did your exam go? I’ve been awfully concerned for your sake, you know.”

“So you were concerned about it… It’s a little annoying that you said it in such a condescending way, but whatever, I’m still happy to hear you were worried for me.”

After all, Senjougahara ended up going home without asking a single thing about how well the exam went—I wonder whether I should take that as a sign of trust or not.

“Well, I did the best I could. Thanks for all your help.”

For whatever reason, I end up saying the line I was saving for Senjougahara or Hanekawa to Ononoki-chan—well, as someone living under the same roof as me, it’s true that she showed a certain amount of consideration towards me while I was studying for my exams, so it’s not like there’s anything wrong with thanking her.

“You’re quite welcome. Hmm, in that case, why don’t we go ahead and check your answers? Go ahead, tell me what questions were on the test. I’ll calculate your score.”

“…”

There’s no way you can do that.

While you may have plenty of specialized knowledge, I hate to say it, but your academic ability is probably no better than what you’d expect from the 12-year-old girl you appear to be.

“You have to go over the answers the same day you took the test, or else you won’t remember them.”

“Don’t make it sound like you know what you’re talking about…”

“You’ll be better off if you start preparing for next year as soon as possible.”

“Don’t assume that I’ll have to take it again next year.”

I wish everyone would stop acting so anxious for my future.

“But really, how did it go? Since you went on that over-the-top journey through Hell in the morning, didn’t you end up taking it in pretty poor condition?”

“I can’t deny that, but I guess with all that, I’m just lucky to have been able to take it…”

“You make it sound like you took it just for the sake of taking it… Those exams aren’t free, you know. Don’t cause too much trouble for your mother and father.”

“Great, now you’re lecturing me like you’re my mom. Still, this may sound like I’m bragging, but I actually feel pretty good about how it went. I even did alright on the subjects that weren’t math…”

“Hmmm.”

“Well, I was blessed enough to have Senjougahara and Hanekawa helping with my studies, so it’d be beyond lame if I didn’t have anything to show for it… I did my best not to drag their names through the mud.”

“Mud wrestling is actually pretty enjoyable, though. I forget, will the results be announced before the graduation ceremony, or after?”

“After.”

“Hm. Then it probably is a good idea to have the date right away. If one of you ends up failing, it’d make things awkward.”

I would like to believe that Senjougahara didn’t plan the date for tomorrow with that in mind…

“She said it was because it’s White Day? And you really believed that white lie?”

“It wasn’t a white lie. It was the honest-to-god truth.”

“Well, I guess all girls look forward to triple the return.”

“Triple the return? Oh, yeah, I forgot about that custom.”[2]

I have no interest in holidays, so I don’t know about all the intricacies of White Day—but I did indeed receive honest-to-god honmei chocolate[3] from Senjougahara last month.

Triple the return.

That seems like an awfully steep interest rate for just a month, but if that’s the rule, I can’t go against it… I don’t have the backbone for that. But does that mean I have to go buy something in time for tomorrow?

“I should buy candy or marshmallows or something, right?”

“I’ll take ice cream.”

“Hold it, I didn’t get any chocolate from you last month. Triple the return of zero is zero.”

“Are you sure? Have you ever actually tested that?”

“…Uh…”

Hesitating for a moment when asked that is the sad fate of someone who loves mathematics. Still, you don’t have to test it to know the answer is obviously zero.

“I’m meeting up with her tomorrow morning, so I guess I have to go buy it today… I’m tired enough that all I want to do is take a nap, though.”

“I’m sure. And instead I’ve occupied your bed, you poor thing.”

“I can just make you move by force, so I don’t care about that. …What should I do here? Should I ask one of my sisters to go buy something for me?”

“But then it won’t be a gift from the heart. Presents are something you really have to pick out yourself.”

“I mean, I can’t argue with that…”

In fact, I probably ought to have prepared for White Day much earlier, but Senjougahara herself is the one who told me to focus on my exams. For someone who’s technically been free since summer break, she’s really been keeping herself in check. I’d like to pay her back with an equal amount of consideration—but what to do?

“It’s not like I have to get hung up on sweets here, right? This isn’t Halloween or anything.”

“You might have to get hung up on ice cream, though. You should pay attention to its milk content in particular.”

“You’re talking about your own preferences.”

“Can you believe that all the Häagen-Dazs stores are closing?[4] I don’t mind having ice cream in a cup, but where am I going to eat those delicious cones now?”

“I don’t know… Overseas, I guess?”

Thinking about it, though, Halloween spread throughout Japan before anyone saw it coming. Perhaps to Oshino, who—unlike me—values ritualistic holidays, that may have been cause for celebration.

At any rate, I figure I’m not going to draw any meaningful conclusions by talking with Ononoki-chan, but as soon as I start scheming about which of the 48 techniques of sumo I should use to remove her from my bed, she suddenly falls flat on her face. She lets go of the comic book she was reading and sinks into the bed face-down and spread-eagle, as though someone suddenly flipped her off switch.

She collapsed almost as if an unseen enemy got in a hard punch to her jaw—here I’d just been thinking about sumo, but was Ononoki-chan boxing with an invisible opponent?

Of course, that’s not what it is.

As a shikigami oddity, her senses are hundreds of times sharper than the average human—in other words, me as I am right now—so she detected someone approaching the room long before I did.

In short, Ononoki-chan went into “stuffed animal mode.”

In the next moment, I hear the cry of: “Onii-chan…!” and, after kicking in my door like some kind of special ops team, in comes none other than my littler sister—that is, Tsukihi Araragi.

She is dressed in Japanese-style clothes and sporting extremely long hair.

It’s frighteningly long, enough to make her look like some kind of ghost whenever she gets out of the bath—and enough that she could trip over her own hair if she’s not careful.

“You took my stuffed animal out of my room again, didn’t you?! Oh, there it is, I knew it! Geez, would you stop going into my room without my permission?!”

She rages like so, entering my room without permission as we speak. Of course, I can’t say I’ve never gone into my sisters’ rooms without asking—though as far as this one time goes, it’s the stuffed animal that came into my room without permission.

The doll in question remains deeply immersed in her stuffed animal act. She’s collapsed in a way that would be impossible for anyone who possesses a body with a mind of its own.

“You even have her laid out on your bed, too. You better not be using my precious stuffed animal for anything weird, Onii-chan.”

“Actually, it wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say I was treating her quite hospitably…”

“I’m not usually the type to have stuffed animals, but weirdly enough, I feel like I have a special affinity for this one. That’s why I’ve told you over and over that you’re not allowed to take her out of my room.”

“An affinity, huh?”

Since I know things about my sister that the girl herself doesn’t, I know exactly what Tsukihi Araragi and Yotsugi Ononoki have in common, and so I can’t deny that if she feels a sense of affinity there, it means she’s got pretty sharp instincts.

Still, while this is another circumstance that the girl herself has forgotten, there was a time when Tsukihi was nearly killed at the hands of Ononoki-chan, so if she’s going to put her instincts to work, I think they ought to pick up on that first.

“But hey, Tsukihi? You keep calling her ‘your stuffed animal,’ but if you really care about her that much, isn’t it about time you at least gave her a name?”

“Hm? No, you see, if I give her a name I’ll get too attached to her, and then I’ll end up hesitating when it’s time to throw her out. It’s precisely because I feel an affinity for her that I have to think about what I’m going to do when that affinity goes away.”

“…”

This sister of mine, I tell you…

On top of showing no emotion to begin with, Ononoki-chan is maintaining her “stuffed animal mode” right now, so I have no way to tell for sure what she’s thinking, but she seems more than a little appalled after hearing her current owner’s true intentions.

I may be projecting my own reaction onto her, though…

“Well, as long as you don’t mind my old hand-me-downs, I could just give her to you instead of throwing her away.”

“Would you call that a hand-me-down…? Since when were you on top?”

“I see you’re back, Onii-chan.”

Tsukihi transitions straight from her temper tantrum into total composure—this special brand of instability is a trait you can’t see anywhere else, completely unique to her.

“Now that you’re done with your exams, you’re free to play all you want! Wow, I can’t believe you’re going to be a college student starting next month! We should celebrate! I’ll start getting everything ready! Tonight I’ll gather up a bunch of junior high girls from around town, and we’ll have a big party!”

“You’re really optimistic…”

Surprisingly enough, this sister of mine seems to be the one who has the most faith in me with regards to my exams—though on the one-in-a-thousand off chance that I do fail, holding a party with all the junior high girls from around town would make the blow unfathomably devastating, so I’d appreciate it if she would hold off on that.

“Karen-chan’s going to be a high schooler starting next month, too… I feel like I’m the only one getting left behind. Ooh, maybe I should just skip a grade!”

“Can you just skip grades on a whim like that?”

Actually, I’m pretty sure we don’t have any way of skipping grades in Japan to begin with. It might be doable with Tsukihi’s level of academic ability, though.

“All joking aside, how about it, Onii-chan? Tomorrow we could finally get together, just us siblings, and go hang out as a combined celebration of your graduation plus Karen-chan’s graduation.”

“Hrm. That isn’t such a bad proposal, but unfortunately for you, I already have plans for tomorrow.”

Of course, I only just made them thirty minutes ago.

“However, if you could settle for doing something today, I don’t mind making some time for you.”

It seems Ononoki-chan’s way of talking is contagious.

I’m essentially talking to Tsukihi while being influenced by Ononoki-chan who was strongly influenced by Tsukihi—what a weird Ouroboros-like set-up.

“Wooow. You’ve really matured, Onii-chan. Not too long ago, if I’d invited you out to play, you would’ve punched me on the spot.”

“Was I that severe a brother?!”

I don’t recall that.

Still, it’s definitely true that I get along a lot better with my sisters than I used to. I guess people—and their relationships—really can’t stay unchanged forever, can they?

A lot has happened over the past year in particular.

Both with Karen and with Tsukihi.

With Tsukihi in particular, during summer break… As I think that, I turn to look at Ononoki-chan, but she’s still immobile, playing dead on top of my bed.

Though I guess it’s not “playing” dead when she really is dead.

“Then let’s go somewhere today.”

“Great. I’ll leave all the planning to you.”

That seemed like the right thing to say in the moment, but leaving the plans to Tsukihi makes me almost as nervous as leaving the date plan to Senjougahara—those two are strangely similar in some ways.

“Generally speaking, Onii-chan, would you rather go to the ocean or to the mountains?”

“I’d rather go to a mountain in the ocean.”

“What, you want to go to Castle of the Undersea Devil?”[5]

That was a good retort.

“But I see… So you’re going on a date with Senjougahara-san tomorrow… Must be nice, being all madly in love. Me, I’ve been dating Rousokuzawa-kun so long now that I’ve sort of cooled off on it, and when he asked me to go out with him on White Day, I just kinda turned him down…”

“…”

I think it’s only a matter of time before my sister breaks up with her boyfriend. You just kind of turned him down…? I can’t help but feel sorry for the guy.

“…Huh? Hold on a second. Did I tell you that my plans were with Senjougahara?”

“You didn’t have to say it. If you have plans for March 14, they’re either with your significant other or with Einstein.”

“We’d all be in trouble if it were with Einstein. That incident would go down in history as a whole new memorial day. He is someone I’d like to talk to if I were able to communicate with him, though…”

There’s an anecdote about how Einstein’s last words were in German, so his nurse couldn’t understand what he was saying, but even setting aside the complications created by the language barrier, I don’t think a guy like me would be able to have an intelligent conversation with him.

While thinking to myself that if it were Oikura, she’d probably say she’d rather chat with Euler, I say, “Well, you’re not wrong.

“Hey, just in case, I’d like to also… I’d like to hear your opinion. What would you want to get as your gift on White Day?”

“Money filled with love from the heart.”

“…”

My sister is pretty damn greedy.

That doesn’t help me at all.

However, rather than a joke serving as an appetizer before the real answer comes, it seems that was the main dish of her feelings, as Tsukihi then changes the topic and says, “Alrighty, then I guess I’ll use tomorrow to go see Nadeko-chan. She’s out of the hospital now, but she’s still holed up in her room recuperating. She says she’ll start going to school again once the new term starts up. I bet she’d be lonely being stuck at home all alone, so I’ll head on over to liven things up!”

“…You’ve been going to see her pretty often.”

I say what’s honestly on my mind. These are my frank impressions.

“Honestly, I’m a little surprised. You two may be friends, but you and Sengoku never seemed quite that close.”

“That’s not true! We’re totally besties!”

Tsukihi says that with a thoughtless laugh, making it hard to believe she’s saying that in any seriousness, but still, it’s no doubt thanks to Tsukihi that Sengoku is more or less ready to reintegrate into society after all she’s been through.

It’s definitely not the accomplishment of that con artist.

Of course, I haven’t done anything for her—I couldn’t. How admirable.

Still, it’s no wonder that this sister of mine, the strategist of the Fire Sisters, has gathered support from all the junior high girls in the area… I guess.

“Plus, she told me a secret of hers the other day.”

“A secret? What’s that?”

“It’s a secret, so obviously I can’t tell you.”

“…?”

“Now, now, you can just leave Nadeko-chan to me and go be all lovey-dovey with Senjougahara-san! I’ll take care of your alibi!”

“I never asked you to make me an alibi…”

“Make sure to change trains a bunch of times!”

“You want me to eliminate the use of the time table trick, huh…?”[6]

What kind of date would that be? I guess a railroad enthusiast might enjoy that sort of thing—I have no idea how much Senjougahara cares about trains, though.

“By the way, is Karen-chan doing anything tomorrow? With, uh, what’s-his-face.”

“Mizudori-kun.”

“Right, is she going on a date with what’s-his-face?”

“You don’t even try to remember the names of your sisters’ boyfriends… Mm, no, she said she’s going to the dojo tomorrow. It sounds like it’s going to be a different kind of graduation ceremony? Thanks to the discretion and arrangements of her master, the owner of the dojo, she’s going to have a go at the 100-man kumite or something.”[7]

“Why is she doing that on White Day of all days?”

My sisters don’t have a shred of sex appeal.

This is making me look bad, like the older brother is the only one going out having the time of his life. Putting Karen aside, when I think about Tsukihi going to visit Sengoku, I can’t help but feel a little guilty…

“It sounds like she’s actually done the 100-man kumite before, but this time she’s aiming to win every single round. She says that if she scores a complete victory, she gets the right to challenge her master to a serious match.”

“That sounds like it’s going to have a story to it…”

Shouldn’t we just make her the protagonist?

With me, I’m always just getting thrown about by the circumstances in a story that’s almost entirely ad-lib, making me seem more like some kind of professional improviser than anything.

“Well, it looks like both you and Karen-chan are slowly but surely growing up, and like you’re both moving forward, too. As the youngest sister of the bunch, I couldn’t be prouder.”

So says Tsukihi.

“I guess I’m the only one who never changes…”

————————————————————–

[1] An oni  is a creature from Japanese folklore, variously translated as demon, devil, ogre, etc. In the Monogatari series, vampires are considered a type of oni, so Yotsugi’s nickname for Araragi is a combination of the words “oni” and “onii-chan.”

[2] On White Day, men give return gifts to the girls who bought them chocolate for Valentine’s Day, typically expected to give gifts three times as valuable as what they received (thus, “triple the return”).

[3] There are many different types of chocolate you give to people on Valentine’s Day depending on their relationship to you. “Honmei chocolate” is the chocolate you give to someone you have romantic feelings for.

[4] While they still sell pre-packaged ice cream in supermarkets and convenience stores, the last Häagen-Dazs shop in Japan closed its doors in 2013.

[5] This is a reference to the movie Doraemon: Nobita and the Castle of the Undersea Devil. It’s based on the myth of Atlantis.

[6] The “time table trick” is an alibi trick that shows up in a lot of Japanese mystery novels. It involves using public transportation just the right way to make it look like there’s no way you could’ve gotten to scene of the crime in time.

[7] The 100-man kumite is an intense test of physical and mental endurance in karate. It involves 100 rounds of sparring, typically against similarly or higher-ranked opponents.